(21) Fri 13 Jan 95 5:49p Rcvd: Fri 13 Jan 6:36p By: Jack Coffee, The Fountain BBS (1:3800/
(21) Fri 13 Jan 95 5:49p Rcvd: Fri 13 Jan 6:36p
By: Jack Coffee, The Fountain BBS (1:3800/13)
To: Alan Jennings
St: Pvt Rcvd
Here's a little something you might enjoy reading. It's quoted from the
Wall Street Journal, Thursday, Jan. 12, 1995 edition.
Heaven Help Us
John F. Brumfeld, a lawyer in Urbana, Ill., has contemplated what would
happen to school prayer after it was filtered through the apparatus of
politically correct educrats. He imagines that the PC brigade might
come up with something like the following memo:
From: School Superintendent P.C. Barnum
To: All Staff and Educators
Re: Proposed School Prayer
As you know, our public school system's great success in
implementing sex education and promoting strong family values and a
moral code in our students has caused Congress to add school prayer to
our mandate. The faculty grievance committee has taken time out from a
busy schedule to draft the attached prayer for us. They did such a fine
job with the school motto ("OK, slowly put your hands over your head")
that it seemed only fair to give them the job. I think you will find
that the obvious deficiencies of the Lord's Prayer have been corrected.
We are all still a little gun-shy after our "Moment of Silence"
experience last year, but with a little cooperation we can make this
work. For purposes of the federal regulation, the prayer "works" if
there is a statistically significant decrease in the casualty rate
during the period the prayer is actually recited. For that reason, it
is of the utmost importance that the prayer be conducted immediately
after the frisking and only on days when the metal detectors are
Directive to all students
This "prayer" is promulgated by our public school district as part
of its ongoing effort to alert students to the fact that some people
believe it is possible that God exists and to the further possibility
that he, she, it or they may be desirous of communication from you.
This should not be construed as an implication that God is of any
particular race, sex or creed.
The following prayer should be memorized, or at least written on
the palm of your hand.
Oh great, but not necessarily superior, being who dwells beyond
this plane of existence and who is accessible only through prayer,
meditation or crystals, we salute you without thereby acknowledging
that you are entitled to greater respect that that accorded any
other endangered species.
We hope to pass through your plane of existence at some point on
your psychic journey to the same exalted states as marine mammals
or even snail darters.
Moreover, to the extent your design for the universe coincides with
the U.S. Constitution and includes low-cost access to cable, we ask
you to provide us our minimum daily requirement of essential
vitamins and nutrients consistent with FDA guidelines, and when
judging us be duly mindful of our status as victim, which provides
full justification for what might appear on superficial examination
to be felonious. In the same vein, we will endeavor to excuse and
forgive those who have transgressed against us, with the possible
exception of our parents, teachers, policemen and clergy about whom
we have just resurrected disturbing memories. We ask all of this
in the name of your prophet ___________, [Here on alternating weeks
substitute names drawn from the consensus of the class. Some
suggestions for early in the year: L. Ron Hubbard, Ayatollah
Khomeni, Patricia Ireland, Mike Wallace.]
This school disclaims any and all warranties of fitness for any
particular purpose and will not be responsible for personal injury
or death that may result from reliance on this prayer.
... Purpose is but the slave to memory. -Hamlet III ii 198
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