To: All Msg #206, 26-Aug-93 06:21pm Subject: Twe

From:    Jason Rosendale                          Kill 
To:      All                                      Msg #206, 26-Aug-93 06:21pm
Subject: Twelve Commandments

  
  Okay, my fine fundamentalist friends.  I've helped out your cause immensely
by posting the tenets of scientific creationism, and none of you bastards so
much as thanked me.  Now, I've devoted years of my life to uniting all our
modes of dogmatic debate into one, all-encompassing set of rules.  I call it
:

        = Twelve Commandmants for Proper Fundamentalist Posting =
         
 1. Make things up and lie whenever neccessary:  It's important to make
    your lies sound true, so always try to preface your argument with
    the word, 'clearly'.

    "CLEARLY, you bastards are all members of the Communist party."

 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person.  You've heard of
    Freud.  You took a psychology course in high school.  CLEARLY,
    you're qualified to psycho-analyze your opponent.

    "Steve, by using the term 'hot-Christ buns' in your message, you are
    CLEARLY a racist pig and a child molester."

 3. Cross-post your messages:  Everyone on the net is just waiting for
    the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal.  From AD&D to
    A_THEIST to FILK to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breath
    until your next message.  Therefore, post everywhere!  (Except for
    private areas, since this would deprive many of your 'fans' from
    partaking of your wonderful genius).

 4. Conspiracies abound:  If everyone's against you, the reason can't
    *possibly*  be that you're an asshole.  There's CLEARLY a conspiracy
    against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by
    exposing the diabolical, Satanic plot for what it is.  It should be
    noted that virtually ALL sysops are part of this conspiracy so you
    should try your hardest to make their lives difficult.  De-SysOp them
    if necessary.

 5. Lawsuit threats:  Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be
    in good form.  But refer to rule 12 if it starts getting too
    serious.

    "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Mr. Rice has CLEARLY
    libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me.  Thus, I will see him
    in court!"

 6. Force them to document minor claims: They keep asking you for evidence
    of the existence of your God and the arrest of the Florida man for praying 
    in a restaurant, among other things.  So, get your well-earned revenge!  
    Even if Hector states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, 
    you should DEMAND documentation.  If _Discover_ hasn't written an article
    on Hector's pasta preferences, then Hector is obviously lying.  And if 
    Newsweek HAS written the above article, then Newsweek is CLEARLY run by 
    members of the conspiracy against you, God, and your country (see #4).

 7. Use strange references:  Link everything that's wrong or "bad" to
    atheism and quote chapter and verse from books that exist only in your
    imagination.  That way, they have no way to check and see if you are
    correct or not!  Never tell them that your making it up and
    encourage them to look for the 'book' in their local library or
    'family' bookstore.  If they come back and say they can't find it,
    tell them you'll loan them a 'copy' and then never send them
    anything.  Later, if they ask, tell them that you'll post excerpts
    in ten days ...

 8. Tell 'em how smart you are:  Why use intelligent arguments to
    convince them that they are immoral and Satanic?  All you have to
    do is tell them how smart you are and that you know what's BEST for
    them!  Tell them that you're a doctor, a lawyer, a psychologist, and a
    reverend that owns his own church and theme park.  Tell them that you
    scored an impossible 186 on your I.Q. test!  Also, go ahead
    and state the scores you've received on every exam since high
    school (if any of them were low, then go ahead and add a couple of
    zeros to the end of the score).

    "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I'm telling you, 
    George Washinton was a minister with the Assemblies of God.

 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship.  It is your right as an American
    citizen to post whatever the hell you want to in the net (as
    guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think).   Anyone who tries to
    limit your cross-posting or move one of your messages to Netmail is
    either a communist, a fascist, or both.  (this also applies to those
    annoying "moderators" that seem to be in some echos).

10. Doubt their existence:  You've never actually seen your opponent,
    have you?  And since you're the center of the universe, you should
    have seen them by now, shouldn't you?  Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
    Tell them it is CLEARLY obvious that they are simply manifestations
    of demonic spirits.  If they continue to claim that they aren't
    demons, then demand documentation (see rule 6).

11. Lie, cheat, steal, and burn any book or citizen that doesn't contain 
    biblical quotes.  It's okay to do these things in the name of 
    'goodness' and morality.

12. When in doubt, ramble:  If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
    this one.  At some point during your wonderful career as a rabid
    fundamentalist you will undoubtedly end up in a posting war with 
    someone who is better than you.  This person will expose your lies, 
    tear apart your arguments, and generally make you look like an idiot.  
    At this point, you should immediately attempt to change the subject by
    insulting the person relentlessly, or posting 86 continuous messages
    in which you quote annoying songs by Jane's Addiciton.



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