To: All Msg #51, Feb-04-93 05:41PM Subject: Pain-i
From: Robert Beauchaine
To: All Msg #51, Feb-04-93 05:41PM
Subject: Pain-in-the-assometer
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
From: bobbe@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Robert Beauchaine)
Message-ID: <11294@vice.ico.tek.com>
Newsgroups: alt.atheism
Rather than continue the pointless debating of obnoxious jerks on
alt.atheism, I have concocted a template for a completely
objective analysis of certain types of posters on this group. I
will trot it out whenever I decree that someone has disturbed our
otherwise placid world and I have neither the time nor the
inclination to properly flame them, deserved or not. This metric is
not intended to in any way replace Simon's Wanker of the Week award,
which I heartily endorse.
====================================================================
Official Alt.atheism Pain-in-the-assometer Award.
Do you qualify as a world class Alt.atheism pain in the ass? Do
you post nonsense, insult people you've never met, drool on your
keyboard, or masturbate at the thought of being flamed by the
members of a.a? If you can answer yes to any of the above
questions, you too may qualify as a true AAPASS. To know if you
have what it takes to stand out among your peers, take the
following exam, fashioned in the time honored tradition of
Cosmopolitan's "Is your sex life truly satisfying" genre.
If you're not sure of your qualifications, just post a couple of
messages to a.a strutting your stuff. I'll be sure to respond
in due time to inform you of your score.
Category 1: General Netiquette
Newbie problems:
A. Has read the FAQ......................+5
B. Knows what the FAQ is.................+2
C. Can say FAQ, even haltingly...........+1
D. Read the FAQ and proclaimed it
"irrelevant and useless"..............-2
D. Wouldn't know the FAQ if it jumped up
and slapped him in the face with it's
butt cheeks...........................-5
Posting habits:
A. Trims articles appropriately..........+5
B. Trims articles until no one can even
glean context from what's left.........0
C. Leaves 500 line post intact to
attach a one line incomplete sentence
at the bottom.........................-5
Arguing tactics:
A. Restricts replies to salient points
posted by peers.......................+5
B. Answers questions posed, but rambles
into unrelated and irrelevant material
in midstream..........................+2
C. Replies to what (s)he thought was the
question, but in reality has no clue.
Still congenial, though...............+1
D. Thinks a circular argument is about
geometry...............................0
E. Redefines the words atheist, agnostic,
belief, or Christian to suit argument.-2
F. Calls his opponent "spoo breath" at
regular intervals.....................-3
G. Locks his flame thrower on full auto
while adopting a sheepish grin and
feigning apologies....................-5
Grammar:
(This category must be administered carefully, especially with
non-indigent english speakers).
A. Composes complete paragraphs and
sentences with only occassional typos
and allowed mispellings..............+5
B. All of A., but spells atheist as
athiest..............................+3
C. Uses the words "Jesus", "God", or
"Allah" more then three times in a
single paragraph......................0
D. Starts every sentence with the word
"And...".............................-1
E. Forgets to capitalise the first letter
in a sentence, but always capitalises
the "G" in god.......................-3
F. Couldn't pass an extrance exam to an
ESL class............................-5
Overall effect on group:
A. Contributes thoughtful articles, which
may not be agreed with but are accurate,
clear, and concise...................+5
B. Very politely tells us about the
merits of following Jesus............+1
(OK, I'm a softy).
C. Posts topics starting with the line
" Don't atheists..."..................0
D. Impolitely tells us about the
merits of following Jesus............-3
F. Creates a fire storm roughly equivalent
to the burning of Dresden every time
(s)he opens his(her) mouth...........-5
H. Misc
A. Admits defeat when properly bludgeoned
by a blunt argument..................+5
B. Posts the argument from design........0
C. Posts *anything* with the word
abortion in it.......................-2
D. Repeats the same argument over again
and again, acting as if it hasn't been
addressed at all.....................-3
E. Is named Ted Kaldis..................-5
In an effort to standardize scores, only the one choice that most
accurately reflects the individual can be selected.
Breakdown:
25-30: Obvious free thinker, probably an atheist or at least
an agnostic. Probably works a lucrative job or is in the
process of being trained for one. Gets laid at least every
other day.
15-25: Probably in transition. Likely this person was raised
as a theist and is attempting to break free of the bonds of
religion. There's still hope.
5-15: Crisis area. This person could swing either way. Huge
doses of logic and reality are immediately required. DO
EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO HELP THIS PERSON. Hit them hard with a
couple of Bible contradictions. Hit them hard with a Bible if
necessary. Don't give up on them.
-5-5: Probably a mainstream Christian (Catholic, Protestant,
Mormon, etc). You usually can't win them over to your
viewpoint, but they'll remain civil if you keep them on a short
leash.
-15-5: This person is probably too far gone to help. Don't
hesitate to help them pull the plug if they request your aid.
In rare cases, people in this group have been know to respond
to Thorazine, but will probably never lead a normal productive
life.
Below -15: Fundamentalist Christian or Muslim. Avoid them
like the plague. Flame at will; it provides them with the
proper martyr complex guaranteed to send them smugly away given
enough time. Whatever you do, do not set up too much mental
conflict, as they will likely lose their entire moral code and
start sacrificing their children to Satan.
=========================================================
And for your entertainment, a couple of sample scores compiled from
recent a.a activity.
Bill Conner:
Newbie problems:
D. Read the FAQ and proclaimed it
"irrelevant and useless"..............-2
Posting habits:
B. Trims articles until no one can even
glean context from what's left.........0
Arguing tactics:
G. Locks his flame thrower on full auto
while adopting a sheepish grin and
feigning apologies....................-5
Grammar:
A. Composes complete paragraphs and
sentences with only occassional typos
and allowed mispellings..............+5
Overall effect on group:
F. Creates a fire storm roughly equivalent
to the burning of Dresden every time
(s)he opens his(her) mouth...........-5
H. Misc
D. Repeats the same argument over again
and again, acting as if it hasn't been
addressed at all.....................-3
Raw score:
-10
And Bobby Muzander
Category 1: General Netiquette
Newbie problems:
D. Read the FAQ and proclaimed it
"irrelevant and useless"..............-2
Posting habits:
C. Leaves 500 line post intact to
attach a one line incomplete sentence
at the bottom.........................-5
Arguing tactics:
F. Calls his opponent "spoo breath" at
regular intervals.....................-3
Grammar:
C. Uses the words "Jesus", "God", or
"Allah" more then three times in a
single paragraph......................0
Overall effect on group:
D. Impolitely tells us about the
merits of following Jesus............-3
(Allah, actually, but the two are interchangeable).
H. Misc
D. Repeats the same argument over again
and again, acting as if it hasn't been
addressed at all.....................-3
Raw score:
-16
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank