--- Following message extracted from HOLYSMOKE @ 1:374/14 ---
By Christopher Baker on Tue Jul 18 14:56:54 1995
From: Robert Jackson
To: ALL
Date: 17 Jul 95 21:40:01
Subj: Wanna be a GOD, babe? (SPECIAL OFFER BY FUHCU!--Order Now!)
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S P E C I A L O F F E R BY F.U.H.C.U. !!
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Hello, you disenfranchised folks out there in echoland! Tired
of not getting the proper respect you only dreamed of deserving?
Do you not even deserve any respect at all? Are you small, petty,
jealous, mean, spiteful, capricious?
Or are you a basically decent person? No matter...
YOU...*regardless* of personality, integrity, or intelligence
can be _THE ONE TRUE GOD_ due to a special one-time offer by
FUHCU (the Fed-Up to Here Corporation, Unltd.). Do you look upon
members of the clergy with envy because of the loftiness their
calling bestows upon them? You can have these people WORK FOR
YOU! Do your bidding! Lie prostrate to you! Raise money for
you and slaughter millions of innocent people in your name! [*]
This special service offered by FUHCU is based on the amazing
technology called Circular Reasoning which hermetically
seals in evidence of one's divinity in a handy, self-contained,
self-referential, easily portable (or suitable for framing)
TEXT which is *cordless* as well. No need to plug it in to
any outside source for complete operability!
Your _Document of Godhood_ is lovingly crafted by a divinely in-
spired scribe, complete with a limited (though extensive) library
of obscurantist iconography and fonts to personalize your One True
Godness from all other False Gods , then carefully
shipped to you via netmail in .JPG format (or .GIF, though costs
and curses by sysops increase) For an extra bonus to the first
ten who apply, a *special clause* will be added to denounce all
other One True Gods and mere demigods or members of panthea
as Satan or a Dark Dualist Half of your choice...absolutely FREE
OF CHARGE!
This Document will establish that you, the One True God, have
inspired the document which loudly, joyously proclaims that you
are indeed the One True God . No need to muck around with mere
demigod status, or content to be simply "a god"--you're Number
One--not just The Big Kahuna, but the one who the Kahuna answers
to! King of Kings! God of All Gods! Judge, Jury, Executioner!
****************************************************************
[*] NOT VOID WHERE PROHIBITED: This Document entitles you to
all perks and privileges of being the One True God on
Earth as it is in Heaven, but a gentle disclaimer must ac-
company this advertisement which warns that:
1) certain heathen nations who govern themselves according
to the doctrine Separation of Church and State may hold
you personally liable for any genocides, murders, or les-
ser felonies and misdemeanors perpetrated by either you
or an adherent to your faith who commits a crime in your
name or according to you, God, speaking to them.
2) other heathen nations who have foolishly cast their lot
with theocracies established on impostor gods may attempt
to justify trying you on grounds established within the
bounds of their false religion. (Sorry Gods-to-be, but
this document only establishes you're God--you and your
followers will have to fight it out in the trenches with
the heathen believers to convince them of their folly.)
****************************************************************
To take advantage of this WONDERFUL OFFER, simply fill out the
form in the next post and send it via netmail to Robert Jackson
at (1:390/87). You will receive a UUencoded .JPG file in return
which will confer instant One True Godhood immediately upon
UUdecoding and saving to your hard disk. You may print out copies
of your Document for distribution to potential believers, but any
subsequent alteration of the Document may hamper efforts to be
perceived as infallible by skeptics and religion debunkers.
****************************************************************
Brought to you by FUHCU: "Hostile Takeovers and LBOs of All the
World's Major Religions by the Year 2020!!"
--- Following message extracted from HOLYSMOKE @ 1:374/14 ---
By Christopher Baker on Tue Jul 18 14:57:04 1995
From: Robert Jackson
To: ALL
Date: 17 Jul 95 21:51:04
Subj: One True God Application Form
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@ APPLICATION FORM @
Must be filled out correctly and accurately for proper results.
Send application via netmail to Robert Jackson (1:390/87).
[ ] YES, I would like to become the ONE TRUE GOD .
[ ] NO, but I would like to establish a friend, acquaintance,
or godfigure of my own design as the One True God
(for the first ten applicants)
[ ] Please add a Holy Writ which establishes other false gods
as Satan or Evil One of my naming (further info below).
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Answer each question briefly and as accurately as possible so
that we may design the document establishing your divinity in
regards to the dictates of your Divine Inspiration.
1. Would you like the Basic Option Holy Text (no ups, no extras,
just the basic facts) or do your aims as the One True God
require a certain degree of hoariness to attract believers?
Yes___ No___
2. If you wish the Deluxe Insta-Hoar Process write
a simple but succinct description of any esoteric symbology,
iconography, foreign alphabet, illustrations, or elaborate
fonts you wish included. Our inspired prophets and scribes
will attempt to interpret your Divine Word to the best
of their human abilities.
3. (for the first 10 applicants) List below any gods, demons,
or people you wish to claim as Satan, Agents of Satan, or
False Prophets. If you have more than three (3) Dark Foes you
wish to claim, you must instead use a vague clause condemning
a Satanic archetype, who is legion. Specify the general terms
of your archetypical enemy below:
a.
b.
c.
Thou shalt know my enemy by this sign:
*************************************************************
For reasons of efficient packaging and shipping, the UUencoded
document will come compressed in .JPG format as a standard. If
you lack a jpeg viewer, these alternate formats can be used, though
the actual graphic will be smaller in order to save bandwidth:
[ ].GIF [ ].BMP [ ].TIF [ ].PCX
**************************************************************
* F U H C U *
"Hostile Takeovers and Leveraged Buyouts of All the World's
Major Religions by the Year 2020! Perfect Vision At Last!!"
* Origin: Orion's Sword - Bush, LA - (504) 867-9701 - V.* (1:390/87)
