Editor's Prescript To THE GRATE BOOK OF MOO I came by this document, written on old parchm
Editor's Prescript To
THE GRATE BOOK OF MOO
I came by this document, written on old parchment in a fine
calligraphic hand, and signed in an illegible scrawl, in the back
of an old book shop, sold as a package with a volume on the
Copernican solar system. The signature I later took to a
handwriting analyst, who determined it to be that of one "Egbert B.
Gebstadter". After reading the document carefully several times,
I returned with the book to the shop where I had bought it, and
asked where the owner had obtained it. It seems that he had bought
it off a certain translator named Gebstadter who, being hard up for
money, had brought in a stack of books from his private collection,
all of which were very antique. He was reluctant to part with
them, but needed the cash. With some difficulty, I was able to
track down this Gebstadter, and in exchange for the return of his
book on Copernicus, I was able to extract from him the information
of whence came this mysterious parchment. It seems Gebstadter
himself had translated the work about ten years earlier, and that
he had obtained it from a friend named Marcus.
I sought out Marcus, who reported that he had found the
document in the bottom of an ancient steamer trunk. This would
have been the end of my trail, except that Marcus happened to have
been curious about what such a document would be doing underneath
the false bottom that concealed the inside of the trunk. Although
Marcus himself could not translate the document, the original of
which he showed me, Gebstadter had helped him, hence his curiosity.
He had returned to his uncle, from whom he had obtained the trunk,
and eventually dragged the secret out of him. Marcus' uncle had
been visiting in Sweden some years previously, and hidden the
document in his trunk to ensure its safety during the voyage.
Marcus asked where his uncle had found the document, and discovered
that it was sold to him by a fortune teller in Stockholm. She had
obtained it in lieu of payment from a mysterious customer in a long
dark coat, and having no use for it, sold it immediately to Marcus'
uncle.
Fortunately, Marcus' uncle had had the good sense to demand to
know what it was, and so had the fortune teller, who wasn't ready
to accept anything short of cash without a good explanation. The
mysterious customer had told the lady that it was a translation
into Swedish of an ancient Atlantean manuscript known only as the
"Voynich Manuscript". He told her that he had "liberated" it from
the hands of the tightfisted Atlantis scholar who had translated
it. The scholar himself had obtained it from a peddler in England,
who had sold him many works of Atlantean art, and the occasional
manuscript, and the peddler, on pressure from the scholar, admitted
to stealing it from the Temple of Atlantis, which survived in
London, handing down the tradition of the Atlantean faith from
"High Preest" to "High Preest". These Atlantis Templars professed
as an article of faith, when the peddler joined under false
pretenses in order to steal the Atlantean art, that they had had
them since the fall of Atlantis, and a few surviving members
rescued some of the islands more important and portable treasures
in their boat. This particular manuscript, they elaborated, was a
transcript of the original, taken during the fall of Atlantis from
the palace of the Great King Norble-Goop the Seventh, who reigned
during the Fourth Dynasty of the House of Norble, the final dynasty
of Atlantis.
Investigating the Atlantis Templars, I discovered that King
Norble had neither written nor found the manuscript himself, but
that it had been in the Royal Archives for the past several
thousand years before the final collapse of Atlantis. It was
originally purchased by Queen Dorble-Sneep the Fifth, of the
Seventh Dynasty of the Dorbles, from a travelling Flying Saucer
pilot, and translated by the Alien Contact specialists of Atlantis.
The pilot explained that he was an Intergalactic Merchant Broker,
and that this document was of no use to him, having been purchased
from a Time Travel Technician as a novelty item for his wife, just
before learning that she'd filed for divorce. The Time Travel
Technician, in turn, had picked it up as a sample from some time in
the future, and translated it for study. After finding out what it
was, he began selling the translated copies. It later turned out
that the "some time in the future" happened to be some hundred
thousand years after the Intergalactic Merchant Broker got it, and,
after further study, I found that the exact dates given by the
Atlantis Templars explained their horror at finding the manuscript
stolen by the peddlar.
Apparently the Technician explained to the Intergalactic
Merchant Broker that the present civilization on Earth (that is,
Atlantis) would eventually collapse, and 10000 years would pass
before civilzation emerged again, somewhere in Africa or possibly
the Mediterranean (he wasn't quite sure), and a long time after
that, this very book would appear somewhere in one of the major
countries of the world. The Atlantean Templars assumed he meant
THEIR copy of the book, which he would then return to his own time
and translate into Galactic, since the given date for the theft was
in 1998, known to be the year of the X-ist arrival on Earth. As it
turns out, it is most likely to be this very manuscript. Guard
yours carefully, and don't let any aliens steal it!
Enough of the story... On with the Book of MOO!
MOOism has nothing to do with COWs.
We just like the sound they make.
Released 1355670401.55555 DPP
Final Release
Version 3.141592653589793238462543383
It has been said that King Kong died for your sins
this has been confirmed
The One Commandment
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law
Unless Thou Wilt Not Follow The Law
(in other words)
Do What You Want Unless You Don't Want To
(or)
Never Mind
(or simply)
MU!
"If It Ain't Ranted, It Ain't True"
-W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. Motto
DISCLAIMER
Don't trust anyone. If they tell you something, it's a lie.
In fact, every sentence ever written or spoken is a lie. No,
that's a lie. Or maybe that was. This one is a lie. Actually,
that's not true. The truth IS somewhere in this book. You just
have to find it. Remember: Just because it's deep, don't mean it's
True. This Book has been thouroughly researched. Just that some
of the facts have been changed to protect the guilty. This is a
most blasphemous and heretical and annoying mind drug passing
itself off as a book. So don't blame us if you get addicted or
sent to Hell. Don't read the footnotes. They're dangerous. The
truth isn't in them. THEY LIE! LIE LIKE A RUG! If you experience
side effects from this annoying mind drug, contact your regular
physician. Do not inhale this annoying mind drug while operating
heavy marmalade. This annoying mind drug is not intended to
replace genuine and authorized medical, professional, legal,
political, social, economic, or otherwise authenticated advice.
Consult your regular brainwasher before pulling the wool over your
own eyes.
COPY-RITES
Copyright wheneverthehell this is. We hold all rights to this
work, yes, you heard me, ALL of them. This work may not be
reproduced in whole or in part by any means, photocopy, modem,
reading, understanding, remembering, mentioning, or any other
method without the prior written consent of the High Preest.
That being out of the way, I hereby give written consent for
anyone to do whatever they like to it. Not that I'm the High
Preest or anything.
All rights reserved except the right to reserve all rights except
the one used to reserve most of the rights except the right to
reserve all rights but this one. All rites reversed.
And now for something completely identacle...
INTRODUCTION
This is the current compiled works of MOOism as written by
those who really should know better - The Apostles of MOO, and
compiled, edited and formatted by the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound
101 (who claims no responsability for the contents thereof). It
was then taken by Floyd Gecko, High Preest of MOO, and shamefully
edited beyond all recognition. Finally taken by Half-Mad, Grate
Prophet of MOO, and hacked up into the COW format you see here. It
should be noted that Hellhound 101 has since attempted to leave, on
account of how the others got far too carried away with the whole
thing, and lost track of the point. The others insBLATTT that that
WAS the point. But they're fools. If you thought this was stupid,
just wait till you read the REST of the Book.
Those who take this book at face value are fools.
Those who ignore what this book says are fools.
Those who think this book is a waste of time are fools.
Correct fools, but fools nonetheless.
DEDICATION
This Great Book of MOO is dedicated to itself.
Houtos Biblios MOOei Esti Seauti.
Hic libros MOOi suae dedicatus est.
TABLE OF CONTENTS (In No Particular Order)
HOLY BEGINNING, BATMAN!
HOLY DEFENSIVENESS ................... Grate Prophet Half-Mad
TITLE PAGE ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif
DISCLAIMER ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif
COPY-RITES ..................................... Ann O'Nymous
INTRODUCTION ............... Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
DEDICATION ................................ The Prettiest One
TABLE OF CONTENTS ............................... THE AUTHORS
PREFACES
PREFACE I ........................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
PREFACE II .......................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
PREFACE III ................ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
PREFACE IV .......................... Counciltwit Confuse-Ius
PREFACE V .................. Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
PREFACE VI ..................................... Ann O'Nymous
PREFACE VII ........................ Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid
PREFACE VIII ........................ High Preest Floyd Gecko
PREFACE IX ...................... ConfusionBLATTT Confuse-Ius
PREFACE IX .................................... Ann O'Nymous
PREFACE X ...................... Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious
THE BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES
BOOK OF HALFY .................................. Ann O'Nymous
BOOK OF FLOYD ................... I Yemen-Oying I Yemen-Oying
BOOK OF HELLHOUND .................. Monjunior Little Bug Man
BOOK OF TERAFNORD ........... Inner CirclBLATTT Leper Messiah
BOOK OF THE LEPER ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
BOOK OF LITTLE ...................................... Wom Bat
BOOK OF WOMBAT .......................... Reverend Canoe-Head
BOOK OF LLOYD ............................. Prophet TeraFNORD
BOOK OF CID ................ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
BOOK OF ABACAB ............................ Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF CANOE-HEAD ................. Outer CirclBLATTT Abacab
BOOK OF ANN .......................... Grate Prophet Half-Mad
BOOK OF YEMEN ...................... Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid
PLUS ONE BONUS UNLBLATTTED BOOK!
By Confuse-Ius
BOOKS OF RITUALS
MAJOR RITUALS 00001-00011 ........... High Preest Floyd Gecko
MINOR RITUALS 00001-00004 ........... High Preest Floyd Gecko
BOOK OF THE CEREMONIES
MARRIAGE CEREMONY ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
INITIATION CEREMONY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
PROMOTION CEREMONIES ................ High Preest Floyd Gecko
EXORCBLATT CEREMONY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
BAPTBLATT CEREMONY .................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
SNOWBLOWER CEREMONY ....................... Preest Lloyd Taco
ENLIGHTENMENT MANTRAS ..................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF THE REALLY SECRET SECRETS
ALL SECRET BOOKS .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
ADDENDUM ........................... Penguin Poobah Peng-Peng
NOTE ON SECRETS ..................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
POTATOMA OF SYNERGY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
CYBORGANIC CHURCH ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
MULTIVERSE SEQUEL ..................... Lo Proost Confuse-Ius
BOOK OF HBLATTTORY
COMMENTARIES ON HBLATTTORY ................ Preest Lloyd Taco
PROPHECIES OF PENG-PENG ............ Penguin Poobah Peng-Peng
AFTERWORD ........................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
PROPHETS OF MOO .................... Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid
THE ENEMIES OF MOO ................ ConfusionBLATTT Miss Take
tHE mORONS ............................... Preest Fluid Geeko
THE REAL HISTORY OF MOO ............. High Preest Confuse-Ius
SECRET HBLATTTORY OF MOO ....................... Ann O'Nymous
BOOKS OF HONEST TRUTH
BOOK OF HONEST TRUTH ...................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF LIES .............................. Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF AMBIGUITY ......................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF NUMBERS ........................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF MYTHS
WOMBAT ORIGIN ISSUE ................................. Wom Bat
WOMBAT MYTHS ........................ High Preest Floyd Gecko
SNOWBLOWER MYTHS .............................. I Yemen-Oying
WOMBATELLITE MYTH .................... Low Preest Goyd Flecko
CONVOLUTED MYTHS .......................... Preest Lloyd Taco
CYBERMYTHS ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif
PIZZA MYTHS ........................... Unheretic Gettah Leif
TELEVISION MYTHS .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
BOOK OF MISCELLANY
"WORDS" ........................................ Ann O'Nymous
"CONTRACT" .................................. Not Confuse-Ius
"NOSLIW NOTNA TREBOR" ............... High Preest Floyd Gecko
"PARANOIA PAYS" ................ Confuse-Ius And Ann O'Nymous
"RANDOM GIBBERISH" .............................. Confuse-Ius
"HAPPY" ................................... Preest Lloyd Taco
APPENDICITISES
APPENDICITIS I ............. Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
APPENDICITIS II ............ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
APPENDICITIS III ........... Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
APPENDICITIS IV ..................... Saint Fourth Class Yari
APPENDICITIS V ......................... Prophets and Preests
APPENDICITIS VI ........................Preest Jeffrey Morton
APPENDICITIS VII .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
APPENDICITIS VIII.......................... Preest Lloyd Taco
APPENDICITIS IX .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
APPENDICITIS IX ................................ THE AUTHORS
APPENDICITIS X .......................... The Apostles Of MOO
Plus meaningless Confuse-Ing Inter-Raptures
Flip to a random spot to find a meaningless quote that you can read
Starry Wisdom into to shed light on your dark life. Truly. For
the TRUE meaning of this Book, Read Between The Lines.
WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS DOCUMENT AS TOILET TISSUE!!!
=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U
MOO
OMM
PREFACE I
as written by
Floyd Gecko the stoopid
Syntax and general guidelines for MOO:
00001) MOOism and MOOist are the only "ism" and "ist". This is
because all the main problems of the world are blamed on
"isms": the communBLATTTs blame them on the capitalBLATTTs,
and vice versa. The anarchBLATTTs blame it on the
fascBLATTTs, everyone hates consumerBLATT, and sadBLATT is
thought to be a horrible thing. So, all others besides MOOism
and MOOist are replaced by "BLATT" for "ism" and "BLATTT" for
"ist". Half-Mad says to only do this to the ones where ISM
and IST actually MEAN what it seems to, but you can have fun
and do it elsewhere as well... Or even where there's no ISM
or IST. Not like we could stop you.
00002) MOO is always in caps. This is because I say so, and I'm
the High Preest.
00003) Typical spellings are with 2 "O"s and no "!", with one "!",
with 3 "O"s and 2 "!"s and so forth. Other variants, such as
the "as many O's as you can write before you get tired of it"
variant may also be used.
00004) When you flip the identity of its letters...
MOO
OMM
(This is a typical MOOist logoff on BBS's)
5) Always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS (Well, sometimes), use the 5-digit
document numbering system.
The MOOist symbol, named the Halfy after Halfy, our Grate
Prophet, is a V with a mark inside. Often MOO can be spelled out
with little letters. I like to do this with O's for the "M" and
M's for the "O"...
The words "BOOK" and "ANNOYING MIND DRUG" can be used
interchangeably.
If any outsiders ask "WHAT IS MOOISM?", the following
explanation must be given in order to (a) confuse the shit out of
them, (b) protect our real secrets, and (c) satisfy the Law Of
Bullshhim.
"The big doctrine of MOO is that we live in Hell already.
When you die, you get to go to Earth if you're good, or get
reincarnated as a bagel if you're bad. In order to obtain
Salvation and actually get to get sent to Heaven, you must send all
your money and ten cups of coffee, WITHOUT SPILLING, through the
mail by Parcel Post, to "BOB", care of the SubGenius Foundation,
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas Texas, 75214. Unfortunately, there is this
Undead Wombat Horde whose sole job, under the direction of an Evil
Computer called WOMBAT, which uses an evil base-23 psychic system
to control the world through the Alien Mind Beams, is to tip over
and generally abuse all parcels that go through the mail in order
to keep us from obtaining genuine salvation. They also steal
single socks from dryers, plant extra coathangers in closets, and
cause as much confusion and mayhem as possible. Only through
communing with the Grate MOO through the Grate Prophet Half-Mad is
it possible to remove the influence of these Wombats from your
life."
As all MOOists know, this is actually a bunch of Bullshher,
thrown in to satisfy the Law of Bullshthem. Honest. WOMBAT works
FOR us. Really. No, I mean it. Honest. It's true.
Note: ]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U#^T PREFACE II
as written by the
High Preest Of MOO,
Floyd Gecko the deranged
Whassa MOOism?
MOOism is an international Church of Lies, partially not
devoted to non-promotion of the Law of Bullshit.
MOOists support: happiness, freedom, equality, cannibalBLATT,
free sex, anarchy, environmentalBLATT, bureaucracy, socialBLATT,
anarchy, free sex, free sex, and more free sex, a bit more anarchy,
flour, eggs, baking soda, water, and milk.
Mix thoroughly all dry ingredients, stirring rapidly. Throw
in some pyromania, paranoia, general insanity and a bit more free
sex just to be on the safe side. Add liquid ingredients and beat
for a while.
Now add some bestiality, necrophilia, and sadBLATT... or am I
just flogging a dead horse here?
And remember AleBLATTTer Crowley's favourite saying:
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law"
And the stoopid SubGenius Takeoff:
"Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the loophole
in the law"
That is, ya get ta do whatever you like. This means EVERYONE.
Including you.
Actually, that's a lie. It's just that there's always these
taboo things, even if they're so well enforced that you don't know
they're there. So the only thing we stand for is getting rid of
them (HONEST!) even if they're not even fully formed yet, like in
them counter-culture things against yer basic smart-ass, yer basic
televangelBLATTT, and stuff like that there.
Oh, you wanted it in DEEP terms? Okay, I'll give the
"condensed" version of my various "DEEP" explanations I give to
people who aren't sufficiently silly (enlightened) to understand
the REAL one... All people who don't need this in your life at
this time, you can ignore it, or you can fuck off.
Religious Explanation:
MOOism is the worship of "The Grate MOO", which is a composite of
ALL religious Gods and Goddesses, taking the metaphorical form of
a great Mother Goddess... Just as, in HinduBLATT, for example,
there are many lesser gods and so forth, all combined into Brahma,
the Grate MOO does this across sectarian borders. [deeeeeeep]
Mathematical Explanation:
The Grate MOO is the most literal possible representation of
Cantor's Absolute Infinite. When Cantor discovered that there are
infinitely many LEVELS of infinity (the number of levels is the
same as the value of the highest level), he presaged the Grate MOO.
The Grate MOO is, by definition, incomprehensible, because of the
Reflection Principle, which states that any description about the
Absolute Infinite also applies to some smaller level of infinity.
The Grate MOO is the set of all things which exBLATTT, might
exBLATTT, could theoretically be imagined, or aren't even possible.
[deeeeeeeeeeeep]
Psychological Explanation:
MOOism is the attempt to expand the human mind by allowing
participants to dissolve their own reflex-arcs and habitual modes
of thought by using silliness (a well known catalyst for nonlinear
breakdown modes) and a variation of non-morality and a zenlike
satori experience through Godel-like mental tricks and paradoxes,
which is reccomended for all participants.
[deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]
The ArtBLATTTic Explanation:
MOOism is the first religion to recongnize OFFICIALLY the potential
of religion as a GNU art form. In the past, single works of art
might have been treasured and held in devotion. Now, with the
explosion of Pop Art (art on soft-drink cans), art is everywhere,
from billboards by roadsides to the elite galleries of Europe.
Religions were once created painstakingly, and held separately,
apart from the rest. MOO is one of the opening waves of Pop
Religion. Pretty soon, the Revealed Word Of God will show up on
your bottle of Coke...
The Memetic Explanation:
MOOism is the attempt to acheive more rapid human evolution by
preserving as many memetic portions of human society as possible.
It includes all memes which exBLATTT at any one time, as well as
creating memes which don't. Because of this, it includes ALL
COWhuman thought within it as preservation, and comprehension of
the whole by any one human is therefore impossible.
The reason they all seem so different is because of the
Reflection Principle. Any of those descriptions could equally well
apply to any other similar religion as well, because MOO is
transcendental, including ALL human thought.
Of course, the REAL explanation is much more fun, being
extremely silly. PREFACE III
as written by
the Elite High Councilors
of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus
And The High Preest
There are several subdivisions of MOOism. The
First is the religion itself:
A) The many-leveled being of MOO has been
explored in a multitude of ways, and some would
seem to indicate that not all the tiers of MOO
are equal, and are in fact dBLATTTinguished by
name, rank and membership requirements. Here are the titles, in no
particular order. Or maybe some order, but not a very significant
one. Well, something like that.
00001. Omnimalevolent Polly's Father and Grated Leader Of MOO
Title: Grate Prophet of MOO, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): One Half (1/2) (0.5)
Current Title Holder: Half-Mad
Tenure: Infinite. Plus 4 years
Membership Requirements: Unknown
Job: Classified
0001. The Wholly Air-Traffic Controller of Potatoma
Title: The High Preest of MOO, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): One and a bit (1+bit)
Current Title Holder: Floyd Gecko (and a bit)
Tenure: Until eaten by a Cow, or death
Membership Requirements: Write much of the Book of MOO, Be
stupendously silly, and be willing to be eaten by a Cow
when the Cow so decides.
Job: To justify MOO fests, to write about Mints and Wombats,
to call for MOO guidance in times of need.
0001. The Elite Upper Council of MOO
Title: Cardinal Richelieu, Mud, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever the others say (3)
Current Title Holders: Hellhound 101
Tenure: Life
Membership Requirements: Be sexually active, open minded, wise
and knowledgeable about the items of MOO and the many
Heresies. Members must be voted in by the current Title
Holders and nobody else.
Job: To attempt to cancel MOOfests, to hunt down and capture
the heretic unMOO cultBLATTTs to be either destroyed by
MOO vengeance or to be turned over to the MOOists for
re-programming or to be eaten by the Grate Prophet and
the Dinner Circle members.
00002. Prophet of MOO
Title: Prophet, Little Prophet, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever The Grate Prophet sez.
Current Title Holders: Necromancer TeraFNORD
Tenure: Life, or until removed by Grate Prophet
Membership Requirements: To be accepted by The Grate Prophet,
to make prophecies about things surreal.
Job: To attend MOO-Fests, to do silly things in silly places,
to think of neat ways science can be used for personal
entertainment.
00003. Saint First Class
Title: Saint First Class, Wow A Saint
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Current Title Holders: (TOP SECRET)
Tenure: More or less infinite
Membership Requirements: (TOP SECRET)
Job: (TOP SECRET)
00004. Nobody
There is no 4th rank.
Title: None
Number of Title Holders (max): none
Examples: None
Tenure: None
Membership Requirements: None
Job: None
0004. Saint Second Class
Title: Saint Second Class, Saint Bernard
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Spaxter, Yossarian, HAL 9000, Simon MOON, Floyd
Gecko, Harry Gerber, Trurl & Klapaucius
Tenure: as near to infinite as makes no odds
Membership Requirements: To be a fictional character of
interest.
00005. Saint Third Class
Title: Saint Third Class, Saint Patrick's Day
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: All Monty Python characters, Arthur Dent
Tenure: infinite or until they get really boring
Membership Requirements: To be a silly fictional character
0005. Saint Fourth Class
Title: Saint Fourth Class, Jolly Saint Nick
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Yari, John Lennon, St. John The Divine, Richard
Feynman, Pythagoras, Moimos Eursti, Ferenc Puskas, R.
Buckminster Fuller, Alan Turing, Jon von Neumann,
Siddartha Gautama, John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Tenure: until they come back to life
Membership Requirements: be dead, or doing a REASONABLE
facsimile thereof after making a great contribution to
MOOism.
0005. Saint Fifth Class
Title: Saint Fifth Class, Day-Saint
Number Of Title Holders (max): 1729
Examples: Go-Go the Do-Do, Arthur Dent, Dalai Dan, St. John
The Divine, Rudy Rucker, Eric the Half A Bee, Brian
O'Blivious, Daffy Duck
Tenure: Until no longer useful/valid/licenced, but only
during the day, just because I feel like it.
Membership Requirements: Act EXTREMELY surreal, or just sort
of generally wierd, or act constantly as if hit on the
head by 5 cartoon anvils, or otherwise be confused. Can
be real OR fictional, as required.
005.6. Bishopesse Of MOO
Title: Bishoppesse/Bishop, One Of The Silly Pointy Hat
Number Of Title Holders (joe): 6.3
Examples: MuPPeT (Muppet) (Mup Pet)
Tenure: Until the kitchen sinks
Membership Reqiurements: Get chosen
Job: To complain about Bishops, and act exceedingly cute when
asked. Or don't.
00006. Bishop Of MOO
Title: Bishop/Bishoppesse, Diagonal One, Apostle of MOOism
Number Of Title Holders (max): 11
Tenure: Until Hell Freezes Over
Membership Requirements: Say "I'm A Bishop Now" in the
presence of one of the top five members of MOO without
getting thwacked.
Job: To adminBLATTTrate, to lead, to Preech, and to generally
tell everyone else what to do. To do what you like.
00007. Knight Of MOO
Title: Knight Of The Trapezoidal Table, Llama, Apostle of
MOOism
Number Of Title Holders (max): 23
Tenure: A Long Time, In A Galaxy Far Away
Membership Requirements: Be unable to turn yourself and
others into frogs, but have obvious talent for something
unspecified. Be accepted by higher levels.
Job: Plant plastic cacti in public places, leave
unintelligible messages on BBSes, tell everyone you know
about MOOism. Violently convert random people to Fateor.
00008. Rook Of MOO
Title: Rookie Of The Year, Straight One, Apostle of MOOism.
Number Of Title Holders (max): 83... or maybe 93
Tenure: 23 years, renewable
Membership Requirements: Go through trial period of 23 days
of observation, act surreal, spread the Word.
Job: Continue to Spread The Word. Eat Peanut-Butter and
Banana Sandwiches.
0008. Monjuniorhood Of MOO
Title: Monjunior Of The Church Of MOO, Apostle Of MOOism.
Number Of Title Holders (fred): 93... or maybe 83
Tenure: Ten ures, renewable.
Membership Requirements: Things which are required to become
a member.
Job: What the members do.
00009. The Dinner Circle Of MOO
Title: Inner CirlBLATTT, Virgin, Phred, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): One Hundred And Four (104)
Tenure: four years, renewable
Membership Requirements: Be accepted by the upper levels of
MOO as an Inner CirclBLATTT after serving a term as an
Outer CirclBLATTT.
Job: To attend MOOfests, to set fires, to be silly and to
practise Free and Safe Sex. May act as Preest if it's
important. Or if it isn't, for that matter.
00010. Preest of MOO
Title: Preest of MOOism, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): As many as are needed, keeping
at least one (one) (1) (I) (0.5 + 0.5) per sect of
MOOism.
Tenure: Life, or until quit or removed by the High Preest.
Membership Requirements: To try to be as silly as the High
Preest, to write some stuff for something about very
little.
Job: To find GNU literary and audio/video sources for MOOist
enjoyment, continue to Preech.
00011. The Doubter Circle Of MOO
Title: Outer CircleBLATTT of MOO, Weenie, Goober, SnotBall,
Apostle of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): Eighteen Hundred (1800)
Tenure: one day, renewed automatically until excommunicated or
raised to the level of a Virgin.
Membership requirements: Submit Application, endure ritual.
Job: To attend MOOfests, to impress the higher odours of MOO.
To spread the word (and treacle) of MOO.
QUACK!
0011. Pasteur
Title: Hon. Pasteur, Pasteur, Moloko, The Beast
Number Of Title Holders (max): 666.666
Tenure: Until sourness occurdles
Membership Requirements: Be pure, disease-free, opaque, and
generally uncontaminated.
Job: To ensure the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual
health of all Offical Animals in the vicinity.
00012. Honourable Reverend
Title: Hon. Reverend, Reverend
Number or Title Holders (max): Anyone approved by a higher
level.
Tenure: As long as they appear to give the correct impression.
Membership requirements: Hmm, doesn't take much really.
Job: Do odd things with sheep. Be social. Save large groups
of people from painfully horrid deaths when needed.
00013. Councillor Of MOO
Title: Counciltwit, Some Council Thing Or Other
Number of Title Holders (max): Zillions
Tenure: Determined by the Councils
Membership Requirements: Determined by the Councils
Job: Attempt to protect the Church Of MOO from the
CapriCancer threat.
00014. CapriCancer
Title: Some Loser Guy, Cancerous Growth
Number Of Title Holders (max): A whole bunch
Tenure: Until tenure expires
Membership Requirements: Head a worldwide conspiracy.
Job: Attempt to destroy that horrible and blasphemous MOO
thing. Kill Floyd Gecko. Be utterly despicable.
00015. Acolyte
Title: Scum, Hey You, Silly Twit
Number of Title Holders (max): Infinite. Plus one.
Tenure: As long as the Apostles of MOOism feel like.
Membership Requirements: Submit application, endure tiny
ritual
Job: Do whatever the Inner CirclBLATTTs and above want you
to. Be a gopher to the higher orders.
00016. Fateor
Title: Lazy Twit
Number of Title Holders: Very difficult to estimate.
Tenure: As long as they like.
Membership Requirements: In some way, to actively recignize
MOOism. No application required.
Job: Actively recignize MOOism in any way you choose.
00017. Agnoscere
Title: Idiot, Twit
Number of Title Holders: A lot
Tenure: Life, or until moved to a higher ranking.
Membership Requirements: To have, at some point, recognized
or known that MOOism exBLATTTs. No application required.
Job: To have, at some point, recignized the exBLATTTance of
MOOism, but have not filled out any application, are not
a saint, and do not actively recignize MOOism.
00018. Snacky
Title: Snackie, Unsuspecting Freak
Number Of Title Holders: Dang near 6 Billion
Tenure: Until They're Not A Snacky Anymore
Membership Requirements: To be Un-MOO, Anti-MOO, or to have
no connection with MOO whatsoever.
Job: To be eaten and otherwise destroyed by the Cow and
MOOists in the form of War, Crime, AIDS, and Cheese Whiz.
00019. Evil One
Title: That Evil Guy, Evil Person, Bung
Number of Title Holders (MAX): Twelve
Current Title Holders: Brian Mulroney, Vincent Emond, "BOB"
Tenure: Until no longer evil, or people forget who you are.
Membership Requirements: To be extremely evil. Or at least
a bit evil. At any rate, to be something vaguely
resembling evil for a little while, or maybe not be very
nice to someone at some point or other. Maybe.
Job: To continue to be a bit evil until tenure elapses, or
are eaten by the Great MOO.
00020. Perrennial Heretic
Title: Legend In His Own Mind, I Yemen Oying
Number of Title Holders (max): FIVE
Current Title Holders: I Yemen-Oying, E.D. Brebis
Tenure: Until conversion or onset of senility
Membership Requirements: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist,
but participate in most Fests and Rituals anyways.
Non-application required.
Job: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist, participate in Nomic
ritual, Fests, burning, QUACKBLATT, ConfusionBLATT,
Muk-Funna MOO ritual, and all minor rituals. Protest
violently against being made a category of MOOism.
00021. Everybody Else
Title: Nobody, Worthless Loser, Some Dimwit
Number Of Title Holders: Infinity minus one
Current Title Holders: Almost Everyone.
Tenure: Until finding out about MOOism, or in any way fitting
into one or more of the previous titles.
Membership Requirements: To have never even heard of MOOism.
Job: None.
00022. Other
Title: Other, Nobody Special, Lord High Chancellor
Number Of Title Holders: Don't ask ME
Current Title Holders: Ann O'Nymous, Half-Mad, Bishoppesse
MuPPeT
Tenure: Unclear At This Time
Membership Requirements: To fail to fall into any of the
other categories, or to not even exBLATTT.
Job: Complete the necessary 23rd membership rank.
00023. UberSagan
Title: Billions and Billions
Number of Title Holders: Vast
Tenure: Until shrinkage (Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`-@)
Membership Requirements: To be a very large number
Job: To denumerate things
_
0000Q. Nun Of The Above
Title: Nun Of The Above, High Priestess, Someone
Number Of Title Holders (max): nN
Tenure: No
Examples: High Priestess Indoctrinate-Me
Membership Requirements: To exBLATTT entirely outside the
MOOish ranking system.
Job: To confuse the hell out of people.
B) Another subdivision of MOOism is QUACKBLATT. See
the book of QUACK for information on the QUACKBLATTTs.
The Great QUACK is the rebel son of the Great MOO. His
brother is BOB, and his sBLATTTers are Eris and Aneris.
Fortunately, the QUACKBLATTTs have recently converted
to this. Previously they were MOOists who wouldn't
admit it, which is the worst kind. Now they are
MOOists who DO admit it, which is the... well... the
other kind.
C) The Church Of The Sub-Genius
All MOOists must at least contemplate joining this
Church. There is no problem with belonging to both, at
least according to MOO. What they think about it may be
a different matter.
The central pillar of their belief is that there is
a semi-mystical entity known as "BOB", who will appear
in the X-BLATTT Flying Saucers in 1998 and take all
members of the Church away, and transform them into
OverWomen and Ubermen. Honest.
"BOB" is known to be responsible for the rash of strange or
mystical "BOB"s in the media, such as the "BOB" of the Doritos
commercials, and the "BOB" in Twin Peaks. According to the Church
of the Sub-Genius, these events will become more and more common as
the time of "BOB"'s arrival approaches. For this reason, all
MOOists in this subsect, and those outside who want to get in the
"good books" must actively attempt to create more of these mystical
"BOB"s in the world. If you are able, put ads in the paper with
mysterious overtones about "BOB". If you are a columnBLATTT, say
something odd about him. Basically, do that kind of thing. The
wider the audience the better.
"BOB" is to be held as a secondary deity of MOOism, a son of
the Great MOO. His sBLATTTers are Eris and Aneris, his brother is
QUACK, who is NOT a deity.
Excerpts from the Annoying Mind Drug of The SubGenius would
have been included in an appendix, but weren't.
D) DiscordianBLATT
For the full story, consult the Principia Discordia, which may,
upon much pleading, be borrowed from Hellhound 101 if he's in a
good MOOd, or Floyd Gecko, if he's not. Or bought at a store, if
you feel like being CONVENTIONAL.
Basically, Eris (or Discordia, as she is known
to some) is the Goddess of Chaos. She may be
contacted through your Pineal Gland. She represents
the forces of disorder, chaos, and confusion. Since
this is one of the main purposes of MOOism, members
are advised to join this subsection of MOOism. The
only thing wrong with the story as given in the
Principia Discordia is that it fails to understand
the gospel of Yari.
Here, then, are some revisions:
After the Great Explosion which created the Earth and the
Heavens and the Universe out of the Primordial Tundra in which
flourished the Primordial Penguins, there was also created by the
Great MOO two sBLATTTers from the little bit called Void. These
sBLATTTers were Eris and Aneris. They had THREE brothers, two
of which were oddly not mentioned in Principia, known as "BOB", and
QUACK. The third was mentioned, but didn't have a name.
Eris did not, as has been suggested, create the world, but she
took it to play with it, which was actually what got Aneris upset.
In 1998, "BOB" will take it back from them, and make it a better
place for all of us, but some time after that, QUACK will throw it
on the Tundra (or what is left of the Tundra) and break it. The
great MOO will then have to get a GNU one for her children to play
with. For more information, consult the Principia Discordia. It
should be available somewhere or other.
E) The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin
In the gospel according to Saint Yari, it is revealed that
before the creation of the world there exBLATTTed great penguins.
It is not known where these penguins came from, but those who ask
such questions are surely heretics, as we all know they were made
by the Great MOO, who made herself retroactively, while playing the
Game Of Nomic.
What is not commonly known is that one of these Penguins, a
young fellow whose name may not be spoken, also played the Game Of
Nomic with the Great MOO in the days before Time began. This
Penguin, who was deemed worthy of survival over all other Penguins,
was rescued by the Great MOO (though the heretic followers of a
splinter of this subdivision of MOOism actually go so far as to
suggest that he saved himself from the explosion, and even dare to
suggest that the Great MOO COW was HIS creation, not her own).
When he came into being after the explosion, he found a bit
left over that was very like our World, and filled it with Penguins
created in His image. These penguins, like him, were very smart,
and some escaped out onto the remnants of the Tundra. Some of them
fell from grace, and became mere penguins, but one was a very smart
Penguin named Jehovah, or Yaweh, as some knew him, and he entered
our Earth with his brothers and sBLATTTers, and then pretended to
be God.
The Primordian Penguin, Father Of All Penguins, is another
deity of MOO, but he is not of the family of the Great MOO.
F) ConfusionBLATT.
ConfusionBLATTTs are dedicated to confusing everyone. As part
of this supreme effort, every member of the religion has the Holy
Name of Confuse-ius.
Although the general event is free-form confusing,
participants may also enter the sprint-confuse, in which they pack
as many non-sequiteurs and confusing statements as possible into a
single minute or paragraph of writing. In addition, the Marathon
Confuse is open to all members, in which event they spend their
entire life being generally confusing. However, Free-Form
confusing is by far the most common, in which everyone does
whatever they generally feel like doing, using the name
Confuse-ius.
There are deep philosophical reasons they do this, but they
really are terribly confusing, and nobody could talk to one long
enough to figure out just exactly what they are, except that they
think that it makes the world a better place. Or maybe not.
They seemed rather confused on the issue.
G) (TOP SECRET)
This section has been censored by someone who didn't want
anyone to read it. Also, it's contents contained references to
such things as (CENSORED), (CENSORED), and (CENSORED), and is
therefore considered dangerous and highly subversive. If you would
like a copy of the contents of this section, don't bother calling:
Security Intelligence Review Committe -- 1-613-990-8441
because they won't send it to you.
Operators are NOT standing by to take your call, so don't even
bother trying. It's really not worth it.
H) tHE cHURCH oF mORON
These most blasphemous heretics invented their own little
brand of MOO by the simple expedient of writing a whole bunch more
annoying mind drugs for the Book what they wouldn't give us.
Technically, they worship the Penguins, and particularly Jesus
ChrBLATTT. We're not sure just WHY this is, because they won't let
us read their annoying mind drugs.
The full name is tHE cHURCH oF mORON, jESUS cHRblattt O'
fLATTER dAY-sAINTS, because they wrote the annoying mind drugs
while extremely stoned, and they like the Day-Saints, and
apparently the acid conversation drifted to Go-Go the Do-Do (one of
the Day-Saints), and anvils. Thus the "flatter" bit. Apparently
part of their job is to go around, find anyone who acts surreal,
and drop an anvil on them.
More Churches and the like may be found in the Cult Of The
Month selection of the MOO newsletter MOO-JUICE, when it appears.
Updates follow as GNU Cults are discovered. PREFACE IV
As Written By
Counciltwit Confuse-Ius
1. What Are The Councils?
The Councils of MOO ("Counci. of MOO" for short) are a loosely
connected group of spam fnord organizations whose purpose, set down
many millennia ago in ancient Atlantis by our founder Confuse-Ius,
is to guard the Church of MOO ("Churc. of MOO" for short) against
the vicious threat of the CapriCancers ("viciou. threat of the
CapriCancers" for short). Our secondary purpose is to keep the
Churc. of MOO alive at any cost, and to maintain the proper degree
of fanaticBLATT, so as to resBLATTT any future viciou. threats that
might arise.
Spam: What are the CapriCancers?
Spam.
2. What are the CapriCancers REALLY?
Spam.
3. No, I mean it, WHAT THE HELL ARE THE CAPRICANCERS, YOU SPAM?
The CapriCancers are a group of Devianti AstrologBLATTTs, who
all claim to have been born under the signs Capricorn and Cancer,
simultaneously. This is an article of faith among them, since they
were all actually born under Saggitarius.
Their leader, Capricious Cancerous, is an immortal space alien
artifact from the planet Zorn in the galaxy of Andromeda. It
crashed in the XBLATTT flying saucer which delivered the sentient
supercomputer WOMBAT to Earth. It is not known how a Zorn was able
to sneak aboard an XBLATTT saucer, but it is suspected that it was
able to cloak the bioscanners by using its lifelike appearance
(sculpted from chiseled spam) to fool WOMBAT. If true, this makes
Capricious Cancerous the only known living being to ever fool this
powerful computer.
This has led to the suspicion that WOMBAT actually works for
the CapriCancers, which has yet to be confirmed or disproved.
The CapriCancer threat to the Churc. of MOO lies in the fact
that Capricious Cancerous is now known to have been an infiltrator
in the ancient Atlantean sect of MOOism founded by Grate Prophet
Peng-Peng, and was, in fact, one of those who helped uncover the
WOMBAT computer from its hiding place in the Gobi Desert. It is
suspected that Capricious Cancerous is, in fact, The Miraculous
One, of the original Church Of MOO, and, therefore, J.R. "BOB"
Dobbs. But this is only speculation.
The reasons behind the CapriCancer Conspiracy are unclear,
however. The Conspiracy ("The Con" for short) is an anti-MOO
organization, denounced by "BOB" Dobbs in what is now believed, by
serious MOOish scholars, to be one of the greatest bluffs of all
hBLATTTory, since "BOB" is now presumed to be behind The Con almost
entirely. Whatever the motives of this conglomeration of Space
Bankers, Vampire Potatos, Illuminati Groups, and Coathanger Repair
Conpanies which control all businesses, governments, and 90% of the
human minds in the world, they are out to get every MOOist they can
lay their hands on.
And like it or not, if you're reading this, you're a Fateor of
MOO, and they're after YOU.
4. No, really, what ARE the CapriCancers?
Spam.
5. Why are the Councils so Fanatical?
Well, look at it this way.
Two kids are arguing over a cake. "BOB" wants all of it, and
Floyd wants to share it equally between the two of them. They
whine and bitch about it for a while, until finally an adult called
Fred wanders up, and says "Why don't you compromise? "BOB" gets
three quarters, and Floyd gets one quarter."
Well, it's a compromise between what they SAY they want...
But it doesn't really satisfy which is more FAIR.
IT ISN'T FAIR! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!
DAAAAAD! "BOB" GOT MORE CAKE THAN I DID! HE GOT A BIGGER
PEICE! DAAAAAAAAAAD! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!
Urm. Ahem.
Sorry.
Anyway, the point is, if you want to get anything done in this
world of compromise, you have to be fanatical, and go to extremes
about everything, even if you don't believe in them.
Or, put it another way. Like, everyone keeps brainwashing you
(especially those CapriCancers, with their WOMBAT brain-control
satelites and FLUORIDATION of DRINKING WATER, and those Commies,
and the Nazis on the far side of the moon, and... and...), so if
you act fanatical and brainwash yourself, even if it's into the
things they're trying to convince you of, it'll all sort of balance
out, AS LONG AS you do it for EVERYTHING you believe. Go
overboard.
That the Council's way of Doing Things.
The Tao of Bitching.
6. What Councils Are There?
There are five main councils, and umpty-ump zillion little
councils. The five main councils you really ought to look into
joining if you want to protect yourself from those vicious
CapriCancers are these.
A) Council Of MOOist Intelligence
This council has been seditiously attacked by Caprious
Cancerous himself as a contradiction in terms. But it isn't.
Honest.
Spam spam spam. FNORD!
The purpose of the Council of MOOist Intelligence is twofold:
to increase the average intelligence of MOOists, and to gather
information on the activities of CapriCancer forces throughout the
world.
This council is headed by Confuse-Ius (not ME, HIM), and its
members wish to remain anonymous. The names of the ringleaders,
changed here to protect the innocent (and the guilty) are Ann
O'Nymous, Anno Nymous, A. Nonymous, and Ann O'Nymity. There are a
maximum of 666 members of the Council of MOOist Intelligence at any
one time.
B) The Council of MOOist Mind Control
Since the forces of CapriCancer have their own orbiting Mind
Control Satelites, the Lurch of BOO has decided to set up its own
council for the purpose of brainwashing BACH everyone it can.
In fact, it has been speculated that the SubGenius/Conspiracy
orbiting WOMBAT satelites have so corrupted the minds of EVEN THE
SMIRCH OF GLUE ITSELF that not only does it perform that evil and
heretical act of making fun of itself, but it ACTUALLY allows the
WOMBAT supercompter INSIDE its own archives, brainwashed by
constant mind control satelites into believing that the WOMBAT
supercomputer is a MOOist, and not an XBLATTT.
Which is silly.
The chairbeing of this council is the Late Great Brian
O'Blivious Esq. The ringleaders are made of chiseled spam, and
stick cucumbers up their noses on thursdays, because such is the
divinely revealed word of the saviour O'Blivious. There are
indefinite spaces for positions on this council for anyone willing
to be subjected to a little brainwashing, using the advanced GNU
MOOish brainwashing machine known as VOMBAT, which was discovered
by Brian O'Blivious in the Gobi Desert near a large rendition of
the Sacred Glyph of MOO.
C) The MOOist Military Council
This council is the military council of MOO.
Information was not forthcoming from councillor CENSORED, who
was most unhelpful. The propaganda information which follows below
was released with his kind permission, but it more or less
irrelevant to a real understanding of what's going on in this, the
most mysterious of the five primary councils of MOO.
Slogan: Have GNU will travel.
Purpose: Defeat the CapriCommies on their own ground.
Weapons: Powerful semiautobiographical machine-gnus.
Victories: Many.
Losses: Few.
Brainwashing: Just a rumour.
This information may, however, help to explain the mysterious
sightings in Arkasas and Siberia of large lumbering metallic
wildebeest-like animals murmuring platitudes about their
childhoods.
7. How Can I Join The Councils?
Send a Stamped Self Addressed Envelope addressed to the
Councils of MOO, along with $10 membership dues, to:
The Councils Of MOO
c/o SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas Texas, 75214
or
The Councils Of MOO
c/o Church Of MOO
P.O. Box 26038
72 Robertson Rd.
Nepean, ON, Canada
K2H-9Y8 PREFACE V
as written by
the Elite High Councilors
of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus
The 14 Commandments
These are the Commandments of MOO as drawn from the many Books of
MOO and here set down in a concise format. Prosecutors will be
violated, and vice versa.
00001. MOO!
00002. Thou shalt have fun
00003. Thou shall light fires
00004. Thou mayest partake of human flesh
00005. Thou shalt not post overly meaningful messages
00006. Thou shall respect, in thy own way, the teachings of
those more hip than thou
00007. Thou shalt not take writen documents at face value
00008. Thou may worship other, lesser gods and still value the
word of the Cow
00009. Thou shall burn
00010. Thou shalt not read aloud the full name of the Grate Prophet
00011. Thou shalt not abuse, snack upon, taunt or draw upon the
members of the Elite Upper Counsel of MOO
00012. Thou shall post in area 9, the Mint NES, or thou shall face
some great misfortune
00014. Thou shalt not eat the money of the High Preest of MOO
00015. Thou shalt ignore Commandment 15, for it doesn't exBLATTT.
00016. Thou shalt 'njqlf8`U#^TK-IlLP-@
PREFACE VI
As Written By
Ann O'Nymous
This is me the futurBLATTT now.
Westward urge of civilization. Domestication of farm animals
and primates. Floating free. Space cities. Japan-bashing?
Look, civilization started in China. That's where all this
stuff began, and everyone over there who was GNU and INNOVATIVE
built a great society with wonderful architecture, philosophy,
science (they discovered GUNPOWDER, didn't they?) and lots of neat
little wicker baskets. So what? So after a while the GNU and
innovative stuff got to be old hat. I mean, something that's GNU
now will be old in a hundred years. So the GNU and innovative
people were surrounded by old crap and people who liked the OLD
ways. So they wanted to leave. There was an ocean to the east,
and and ocean to the south, and frozen wasteland to the north. So
they went west. On the whole, a wise move, since horses have
trouble swimming seas.
So then the same thing happened farther west. GNU innovators
poured in, brought GNU ideas, built a great civilization, and then
it became old, and the innovators died off. They couldn't go east,
cause that was even OLDER AND STUFFIER. There was still Sibera to
the North, and desert or ocean to the south. So they kept going
west. This happened EVERY generation, so the GNU ideas, the
advance of, well, advancement, went westwards, so that the east got
older and older, while staying EXACTLY THE SAME. Cause the world
changed.
Anyway, it eventually got to Europe from the middle-east and
then Greece and then Rome... And after Europe, it went to North
America. GNU York, then things like Chicago, then California
became the wonderful GNU Haven O' Science. In the '60s. But the
WAVE was going faster (on account of the first people went on
horses, and the GNU ones went on JUMBO JETS!) They kept going west
because, well, it was like a tradition. Which is strange, because
they were supposed to be innovators. But never mind that. Anyway.
After California, the Haven O' New-Guys moved to Japan. Which
is why all that Made In Japan stuff is now so great in the
135560's.
But there's old-fogeys and there's new-fogeys. Old-fogeys
don't like GNU stuff, and they're REAL territorial about it. Like,
major, dude. I'll get to that in a sec. So this is why the OLD
LOSERS go around JAPAN-BASHING. Not cause the Japanese are evil or
anything, but because they're AFRAID TO ADMIT THE JAPANESE ARE
BETTER NOW! Get real, people. It won't last forever. But Tim
Leary caught on in the Starseed Transmissions his brain sent to
itself (pretending to be an alien) in the '60s... It said the
Japanese were the most superior beings on the planet, and that we
were to leave the planet to rejoin the stars and stuff like that
there. Neat, huh? Well, he was right about both, only excepting
that the Japanese aren't like, INHERENTLY better. Just right now
they are. But that Westward Urge will end as they take us to
space. The Japanese have plans for permanent colonization of Mars,
dude... Pretty quick it'll be the EARTHIANS who are the old-
fogeys. So sign up for space cities now before your brains
calcify.
I mean, it's just classic primate stuff, right?
Look, when our ancestors domesticated farm animals from wild
animals, they discovered certain things... Domestication has
physical effects, like removing hair from the animals, shortening
horns, claws, teeth and other dangerous stuff like that, making the
cow's udder bigger... stuff like that. But it doesn't change the
behaviour. Like, pigs still root in the ground, EVEN IF IT'S
CONCRETE! Chickens still scratch, even if there's no dust to bathe
in (feather cleaning stuff, don't worry) and things like that...
Oh, they're tamer, calmer, less likely to bash your brains out or
bite at your throat, but the same patterns of behaviour are still
there. Same with people. Domesticated apes. Less hair, stand up
straight, smaller teeth and claws, larger breasts on women, things
like that. But still apes in behaviour. Territory. I mean, walk
across someone's front yard in the United States and see if they
don't yell at you.
One difference between us and apes in behaviour is that we're
tamer, don't fight so much on a person-to-person basis. No, that's
why we have tanks and bomber planes. Shit, knife-fights are
DANGEROUS, maaaan. The other big difference is that we have WORDS
and IDEAS on a big scale. Being domesticated gave us time to let
us handle those words that the apes can only sort of vaguely string
together. That and we have better vocal cords. So territory sort
of extended into those, too. Tell someone his religion is wrong,
BLAMMO, you get blown away. Scope out Salman Rushdie if you don't
believe me. He didn't even INSULT the Muslims. They just sort of
THOUGHT he did, so KNEE-JERK, they up and blew him away. Or tried
to. They would have, too, if he hadn't hidden. Smart guy.
But territoriality was an evolutionary response to the limited
space of our environment here on Earth. Like Death was (no, no,
not BIRTH CONTROL, DEATH... much more sensible, right?)... When
we move off Earth, that instinct may go away... No more
ideological wars, no more fighting over stupid dumbshit things.
TRUE SLACK. Check out an explanation later of the Circuits of the
Brain. Neat... Get an EXPLORER circuit in the first one, NO
FIGHTING on the second, the third should develop better too (actual
communication between DIFFERENT PEOPLE! WHAT A CONCEPT!) What
with all this changing of circuits, what will we end up with?
A society of friendly, peaceful, innovative, incredibly
brilliant, morally relaxed, spiritually advanced people who don't
have to do menial work (got robots for that) living with the nearly
infinite resources of the universe to support them.
Sound neat? Good. Sign up now to join the first L5 colonies
in Earth Orbit, or better yet, move to Japan, convince them you
like them (they're paranoid about Japan bashers who want to kill
them all: go figure) and try to get in on the Mars Colony. With
any luck, and life-extension drugs, you'll still be alive and
kicking when it opens up.
You'll find a few things, when you move off Earth. The people
there are a lot nicer, a lot more like you, a lot friendlier. But
you'll spot something more important. Of all those people who
originally went up into Zero-Gravity, EIGHTY PERCENT of them had
whatcha call SPIRITUAL REVELATIONS. Which is cool.
Zero Gravity opens up those extra four circuits, like Robert
Anton Wilson keeps going on and on about. But I won't say what
opens Floyd's Top Secret (Honest) Ninth Circuit. It sure ain't
transferring consciousness out of the universe and into the
Multiverse, THAT'S FER DAMN SURE. It's nothing to do with
spreading your consciousness to other universes and escaping.
Nope. Nothing.
Confuse-Ius Sez:
"One of the warning signs of the end of the world is fast and
efficient postal delivery, generally delivering, perfectly intact,
any package you might send, in less than 12 minutes."
-Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 17
But the best way to get this effect isn't with the
artificially-gravitized rotating space-cities of Gerard O'Niell.
Bah, HUMBUG! No, you need clear plastic BUBBLES floating in space
with air and water and stuff inside. So you can live in zero-
gravity without having to give up lakes and sky and clouds and
birds and things... All we need is a breakthrough in materials to
make 'em out of... Gotta be tough, resilient, electrically
conductive... Might wanna make a pooter out of it... Check out
Floyd's novella "Self Sufficient" for more details on the "Habitat"
idea... S'cool.
Anyway. The only problem is EM field resonance. (ACK! LONG
WORDS!)... THPTHPTHPTHPT! All it is is magnetic fields shuffling
back and forth... On Earth, where we evolved and we're used to,
the magnetic core and the magnetosphere resonate or vibrate at 7.83
cycles a second. And if your brain tunes to that or a multiple of
that (or a fraction), you start to resonate with it, and pick up
energy. That's what causes wierd effects on the Kirlian Photos of
meditating Gurus. That's what causes neat dreams (at half the
frequency, of course), that's what causes the rush of creativity on
certain kinds of drugs. So all you have to do is get the BUBBLE to
resonate at that, too... And the neat thing is, of course, you can
get it to be STRONGER, cause you have control. You don't have to
lose the "Earth Ties" to live in space. Earth Ties are just that
link you make every so often to that flux that's goin' down.
That's why we need to sleep. So we can dream. So we can make THAT
SPECIFIC KIND OF LINK. We evolved getting used to making it in
different forms all over, so we now need that to keep us smart and
clever domesticated primates.
But don't worry, in the bubble, EVERYONE will be a SUPERGENIUS
anyway, because of that third-circuit "clever" imprint. Plus which
the bubble can adapt to make the link with EACH PERSON ALL THE
TIME. It'd be like you're always high, you're always dreaming,
you're always meditating. YOU'RE ALWAYS LUCID.
Wicked idea, eh? No wonder the government is reluctant to go
to space. Imagine trying to lead a population of supergenius
dreaming dopers? Wow, maaan.
So sign up now. And don't forget to tell them where you read
this. That's ANN O'NYMOUS. A-N-N O-'-N-Y-M-O-U-S. In the
ANNOYING MIND DRUG OF MOO!
Okay. All right. Now then, what comes BEYOND that? Looking
to the BIG picture... What do we find?
Well, we've entered the area of MEME production. Memes are
the mental equivalent of genes: single units of thought, maybe an
idea, a tune, an image, whatever it happens to be. Meme evolution,
since it happens inside our brains, with simple little bits of
information, is much MUCH faster than gene evolution was back in
the primordial-soup days. There's so much more competition for
space. After all, in those days, there was lots of food and space
in the oceans, and the little DNA frags just multiplied and
multiplied, and sometimes divided, which was frequently the same
thing for them... But now, well, we only have so much space in our
heads, only so much attention we can pay to this bullshit.
So what's the deal? What's cooking, doc?
The creation of Usenet, Internet, Fidonet, and all the various
other computer nets around the world, along with MASSIVELY huge
Local Area Networks (LANs) with info-storage-space galore, all of
that combined together to make a fast-evolution forum for memes.
Someone throws out a package of memes, most of which will be
recycled, but combined in different combinations (that's sexual
reproduction, one thing that made genes evolve fast) for people to
look at and evaluate. That's Survival-Of-The-Fittest. Whatever is
the best adapted pack of memes (genome, in the gene-talk, or
memome, to coin a phrase, in meme-talk) will survive. All the
different areas are dedicated to evolving different kinds of meme-
packs in different subjects. Computers speed up meme evolution.
But memes mostly exBLATTT inside our heads, right? So what's
the logical step, if we want to increase the evolution of memes, as
all sensible neophiles would? We put our brains in the computers!
Well, there's lots of plans underway trying to figure out how
to do exactly that! There's stuff on copying neuron functions into
little computers made by nanomachines (teeny-weeny-speeny little
machines made of mechanical parts on the size of molecules) and
revving up brainspeed that way. Our rapidly expanding power of
computers (a factor of a thousand every twenty-three years or so)
means that by the 2030's, computers will have the power of a human
brain, and the nanotechnology being developed NOW will mean that by
the time that happens, we may be able to transplant the mind
DIRECTLY into the computers. And beyond that, as our computers get
faster and smarter, so do our minds, so we can design better
computers even faster, so it all accelerates. Our Artificial
Intelligence programs, when they get to be much smarter than we are
now, combined with nanotechnology manufacturers to make our GNU
brains faster than we can imagine today, we'll start being able to
REWRITE our own software, making ourselves smarter, better adapted.
We'll find that our semi-intelligent machine companions can
look after matters of our survivial much better than we ever could,
and as we get smarter and smarter, we'll be able to judge the
consequences of our huge projects more and more accurately, so
there will be much less of a problem with shortsighted lack of
planning causing environmental disasters. Even the eco-freaks
should agree with this vision of the future, or they don't
understand it.
Intelligence increase is all over, these days, with Smart
Bars, and Think Drinks, and Intelligence Increase Drugs popping up
all over, seemingly from out of the woodwork (or, more frequently,
laminated plasticwork). People pop pills, not just to get high,
but to make themselves SMARTER.
And that's just a hardware improvement... It makes more
neurotransmitters (the chemicals that your brain uses for
signalling between brain cells (neurons)), or increases the firing-
rate of the neurons, speeding up thought, or it makes your brain
able to use oxygen better, or provides nutrients, or any number of
similar things. Within 50 years, we'll be able to improve the
SOFTWARE of the brain, make ourselves Godlike Hyperintelligences,
like you always get in 3rd rate science fiction. But this time,
for real.
In the coming posthuman era, those technophobes that still
exBLATTT will just leave themselves behind as the rest of us
sensibly migrate off world, where our industry can't possibly fuck
up the environment. And once the first industry is up there, we
don't even have to use rockets that pollute the air! Just built
the huge brains with nanomachines up on the moon, and radio up our
personality program.
Vastly improved intelligence means much greater efficiency of
use of the resources. What Buckminster Fuller described as
"ephemeralization" will become a way of life. Using fewer and
fewer resources to do more and more things, just as we use a 5-
tonne communications satelite to do the job of hundreds of
thousands of tonnes of wires running to every home. The same will
happen in every facet of life.
Life itself will expand beyond our present ability to
comprehend. The advances currently being made in Virtual Reality,
teaching techniques, and brain development are showing the ability
to learn can be improved remarkably, especially once we discover
how the brain changes with GNU information, and are able to pump it
directly into the brain when needed. Each person will have instant
"memory" access to the collected knowledge of all humanity, all the
opinions of everyone else, a cross-cultural sharing ground that
defies our ability to comprehend.
Even Sex itself may vanish, as children may be created by
combining the parents' ideas and memes, along with their
preferences for the personality of the offspring. But don't
dispair of losing Sex. With an electronic personality, any sensory
inputs you want can be tailored, modified by other people, so you
can interact in any way you choose, without any risk of disease,
unwanted pregnancy, and all the problems that beset sex today.
Stop for a sec... Why, with all the advancement in
civilization, science, quality of life, are MORE AND MORE people
turning to various GNU religions? Because that's what "society"
is... People interacting together. With increase of quality of
life, they have more time and energy to devote to religion, rather
than survivial. So the consequence?
Just as computers are currently becoming the hot GNU medium,
just like books were once a hot GNU medium, MEME SYSTEMS will be
the hot GNU medium of the future. Crafting information structures
that resemble modern day belief-systems like RELIGIONS and
PHILOSOPHIES. Religion will be the art form of the future. Just
like books, paitings, sculptures, all used to be created lovingly,
one at a time, until they became accepted media, and spread
exponentially, so it is, has been, and will be with religion. Old
religions were crafted carefully, over many generations, each
person dedicated to only one.
In the future, our expanded minds will enable us to devote the
equivalent of a modern LIFETIME of effort to a religion in an idle
afternoon, each person will "believe in", or artBLATTTically
appreciate THOUSANDS or MILLIONS of religions in a lifetime, each
person adding their own perspective to the mix in the giant
networks of information.
Surely we'll also see the equivalent of pop-art, trash-art, or
comic-strips, and many other things for which we can HAVE no
analogies, because our art isn't complex enough to hold their
intricacies. Advertising slogans, billboard art, musical jingles,
all suggest what sort of commercial religions we might see. An
entire church dedicated to each GNU slogan for each GNU product
from each company, everyone exposed to them.
The possiblilties for the future are endless and far beyond
our current comprehension. For insights on what to look for in the
future, I can recommend science fiction books written by
knowledgeable authors, and books on futurBLATT of all kinds. Here
are a few of my favourite selections:
FuturBLATT Annoying Mind Drugs:
00001: Mind Children, by Hans Moravec
00002: Engines Of Creation, by K. Eric Drexler
00003: Virtual Reality, by Howard Rheingold
00004: Great Mambo Chicken & the Transhuman Condition, by Ed Regis
00005: Neuropolitics, by Timothy Leary
Science-Fiction Annoying Mind Drug Authors:
00001: Phillip Jennings (Tower To The Sky, Bug Life Chronicles)
00002: Rudy Rucker (Software, Wetware)
00003: Dan Simmons (Hyperion, Fall Of Hyperion)
00004: Bruce Sterling (SchBLATTmatrix, Crystal Express)
00005: Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash, Zodiac) PREFACE VII
AS COMPILED BY
El Cid The Dilligent
The CHURCH OF ELVIS is a sect of the Universal Life
Church and is looking for GNU minBLATTTers.
ABOUT MINBLATTTERHOOD
-- Is This For Real?
Yes, it is. The Universal Life Church will ordain anyone, for
life, no questions asked, and at no cost. The ordination is
legally valid, and, after regBLATTTering with local authorities,
ULC MinBLATTTers can legally perform weddings, funerals,
baptBLATTs, etc.
-- But I Have To Believe In Something Silly, Right?
Nope. The ULC doesn't impose ANY beliefs on it's MinBLATTTers or
their congregations. Your god is OK. Period.
-- Am I Making Any Promises?
Only one. A ULC MinBLATTTer agrees to do what's "right". You get
to interpret "right" to your satisfaction. No one will call to
ask for money. You're not joining a "cult." You're welcome
(encouraged!) to continue practicing whatever faith you like.
ULC MinBLATTTers are also Catholics, Episcopalians, MethodBLATTTs,
ELVIS Worshippers... you name it.
-- So How Do I Become Ordained?
Easy. Just fill out the simple form below, or call any
CompuChurch (tm) Chartered BBS and go to the Online Ordainments
Menu. Your info will be processed by CompuChurch (tm)
International Headquarters. CompuChurch will file your request
with the ULC, and you'll receive your credentials within a
coupla weeks. It's free, but we could use a stamp!
-- Still A Little Wary?
There's more information on the ULC at any CompuChurch (tm)
Chartered BBS, from The Church of Elvis or from CompuChurch (tm)
International Headquarters, 1:3800/6 or call direct at (504) 927-
4509.
BBSes are filled with ULC MinBLATTTers from all walks of life. Join
us!
* MAKE ME A MINBLATTTER!
Yes, this all sounds wonderful. I want to be a minBLATTTer, fully
ordained and authorized to do anything minBLATTTers usually do, and
entitled to the privileges and benefits extended to the clergy.
Name:
----------------------------------------------
Address:
----------------------------------------------
City State Zip:
----------------------------------------------
I am enclosing a self-addressed stamped envelope to make life
easier for you!
SEND TO:
Church of Elvis
Diocese of Baton Rouge Universal Life Church
P.O.Box 64575
Baton Rouge, LA 70896
From: Zodiac Mindwarp
To: All
Subj: TLC
Greetings fellow Earth dwellers...
Are you aware that the Illuminati are attempting to take over
control of the world? Do you know about their plans to form a One
World Government?
Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Maybe the Illuminati is
nothing more than a paranoid myth. Whatever the case and whatever
your beliefs, you may wish to consider joining the Thought
Liberation Committee.
What is the Thought Liberation Committee?
TLC is nothing more than a group of individuals who share a
single, common idea. Anyone can be a member of TLC if they wish;
there are no membership fees, no forms to fill out, no meetings to
attend, no rules to obey and any member is free to leave at any
time. There is no structure to TLC, heirarchical or otherwise. It
is quite possible to be a TLC member and never even meet another
TLC member.
What is the idea of TLC?
It is the idea that NO-ONE - be they a person (living or dead), a
commercial organisation, a non-commercial organisation, a charity,
a government, a religious group or even an extra-terrestrial
intelligence - has the right to tell anyone else how to think. TLC
rejects and actively fights against any attempt to control the
thoughts of an individual or group of individuals by any methods,
including (but not limited to); brainwashing, propaganda,
advertising, subliminal messages, misinformation and psychic or
telepathic manipulation.
How do you join TLC?
The qualification you require to become a Thought Liberation
Committee member is simple, but rigidly enforced. In order to
become a member of TLC you must WANT to become a member. That is
all it requires.
What must you do as a member of TLC?
As a member of TLC you aren't required to do anything. All that is
asked is that you attempt to recognise and reject any attempt to
subversively alter the way you think. You may, if you wish,
introduce others to the idea of TLC but this is purely optional.
What good is TLC going to do?
Maybe it will result in no more than assisting a small group of
people to be less vulnerable to thought manipulation. Maybe it
won't even achieve that. However, consider this - any attempt to
manipulate thoughts and opinions on a large scale requires a long,
slow, subtle effort. You can't change public opinion overnight but
if the ideas are introduced slowly enough they may manage to sneak
underneath the natural 'bullshit defences' that every person has.
These ideas will then, gradually, become accepted as 'normal', as
'obvious'... as 'fact'.
It is the hope of TLC that a small nucleus of people strong
enough and alert enough to reject this indoctrination of thoughts
will be sufficient to prevent it; a catalyst to initiate the large
scale rejection of this thought manipulation, the seed around which
may crystalise a growing movement of people who see it for what it
is.
Okay, suppose I join TLC. How do I start?
How do you start in your quest to recognise and reject thought
manipulation? Well the question of rejection is the simplest to
answer. To put it simply, once you have recognised the fact that
someone is trying to influence the way you think about something,
you have automatically rejected it. Once you are consciously aware
of the manipulation being attempted it is no longer able to get in
under your 'bullshit defences' and you are safe. Recognition is a
more difficult question to tackle. All the old cliches - "Think
for yourself", "Question what you are told", "Don't believe
everything you read in the papers/see on TV", etc. - are still
applicable. However these methods fail when it comes to the
subtler, more carefully orchestrated techniques. Thought
manipulation is at it's most powerful and dangerous when it is able
to go directly to the victim's subconscious, bypassing any
conscious filters the person may have. The systems that can be
used are many and varied, each one requiring a different approach
to detection. Unfortunately, TLC has very few answers here. Even
if we did we would be very reticent about sharing them - that would
make us guilty of the very thing we are trying to prevent...
TELLING PEOPLE HOW THEY SHOULD THINK!
Isn't this all just a bit paranoid?
Yes, and no. It is easy to see how someone who already suffered
from a certain degree of paranoia might see the idea of TLC as
being confirmation of their delusions. However, TLC does not ask
you believe that there are any sinister forces at work trying to
control public opinion. If you believe that, fine... it is your
right to freely believe whatever you choose to. The idea of TLC is
simply that you keep a watchful eye on whatever information you are
presented with in your daily life - just in case someone or
something, for whatever reason, tries to influence the way you
think.
Why was TLC started?
The reason for TLC inception is almost laughable. It was created
because it could be. It did not begin as a response to any
particular threat, real or imagined. It simply seemed like a good
idea, and in an age where electronic communication has made it
possible for ideas to be rapidly and widely disseminated it seemed
like an idea that deserved to be spread.
Are you going to finish this off with a conclusion?
Yeah, okay... Here's the conclusion. You can forget that you ever
heard of TLC if you want. If you like the idea of TLC and you want
to become a member, you're a member. If you want to spread around
the idea of TLC then by all means introduce the idea to anyone who
cares to listen. If you do then we just have a few requests to
make of you: Don't try to force the idea of TLC down anyone's
throat. Don't think of yourself as being in any way superior to
someone who does not accept the idea of TLC. And, lastly, try not
to let the idea of TLC become confused with or polluted by any
other idea. It is a single, simple idea and will hopefully remain
that way.
Zodiac Mindwarp -><- TLC
"I'll have a New World Order, please"
"Do you want fries with that?"
--- FMail 0.92
* Origin: (93:9130/103.7)
From: Floyd Gecko
To: Zodiac Mindwarp
Subj: TLC
I'm not actually writing this reply. This is a reply I might
have written if I'd had more time when I wrote my brilliant, witty,
but sparklingly short response to that message...
TLC strikes me as a lovely idea on one level, and maybe the
most insidiously dangerous idea I've ever encountered on another
level. It's a great idea... STOP TELLING PEOPLE HOW TO THINK, oh,
of course, how noble...
But then, isn't part of the whole purpose of life to change,
explore different ways of thinking, examine new viewpoints, and
otherwise poke around the Mindscape? And after all, every
experience you've ever had in some way affected the way you thought
from then on, if only because your new thoughts included a vauge,
compacted memory of those experiences. If some of those
experiences are caused by other people, then that's other people
affecting how you think. Maybe they intended to, maybe not. Maybe
their plan worked, maybe it backfired. Who knows?
The point is, all of society is like one enormous self-
modifying system, with every person interacting one way or another.
Occasionally, they'll start to form self-reinforcing groups that
eventually get called conspiracies. And sometimes those will try
to expand. That's only natural: the ones that don't try to expand
eventually get eaten up by the ones that do, wherever they compete
for membership. So it's only natural that an enclave of
organization whose whole nature depends on what people think, and
how, should take up trying to convince people to think its way.
And if you tell it not to, you're just telling it that it has
no right to exist. Same for a corporation. If you tell it it
can't advertise, you're saying people don't have the right to know
about its view of its products and the like. And that means it
hasn't got the right to accumulate money. Which means it has no
right to exist.
Now if you went around saying that sort of thing about HUMANS,
you'd be locked up for publishing hate literature.
So why are humans considered different from groups of humans?
After all, an individual is a lot smaller than a group, a lot less
complex. Why are things MORE complex than people considered
inferior, AND things LESS complex (like sponge) considered inferior
too?
Really, this TLC is nothing but a cleverly disguised hate
campaign against the neurologically decentralized. This from a
Discordian, yet, someone who claims to be in favour of
decentralization. Obviously, you have fallen victim to the Curse
of Greyface, the AnerBLATTTic Delusion, and other things of that
ilk.
A Conspiracy Government is a government which is mostly
detatched from the system it's governing, which means it has a
prayer of analyzing the system objectively without getting hung up
on a version of Gdel's Theorem. That means that it's the ONLY
style of government, no matter what its exact format should be,
which has a hope of regulating the system effectively. It itself
would naturally have to be an anarchy, without government, or
governed by a cabal within a cabal...
Shame on you, for suggesting a Conspiracy should be suppressed
for the good of the people.
Shame shame shame.
All good people, unite against humanBLATTT prejudice!
--- Quaximus 2.01 beta
* Origin: (1:163/286.0)
PREFACE VIII
as written by
High Preest of MOO
Floyd Gecko the Stoopid
THE OFFICIAL GAMES OF MOO
There is nothing quite so important to a MOOist after a
hard day of having fun as kicking back, relaxing, and then playing
a good solid game. After all, how else can we remind ourself that
Eris made the world to play with. Why shouldn't we do the same?
So, without further ado, here are the official games of
MOO, which may be considered as daily worship. Of course, anything
else that's lots of fun is also worship, but hell, why not try some
of these first, eh?
00001) Nomic:
This game is designed to be bureaucratic. Recall that
one of the things we stand for is bureaucracy supporting. The full
set of rules is very long, but I may include it as Appendix VIII
later. The idea is you begin with an inital set of rules which
defines how the game is played.
The basic idea is simple. There are several players, and they
take turns making up GNU rules, which are then voted upon. MOOists
may, obviously, make their own initial set, but one good one can be
found in the source quoted somewhere else, so I won't mention it
here, not only to get you to read the whole Book of MOO, but
because I'm an ornery sunnuvabitch. Floyd Gecko, a longtime member
of the Nomic Club at his school, and one of the Co-Directors for
the upcoming year, has some suggestions for making your own initial
set.
Try to make provisions for everything you can think of, and
make sure that there isn't too much of a point to the game. The
set should be long, but not so long that you can't remember most of
what's in it. Three pages is about the maximum suggested.
Try to get it as bureaucratic with as many subclauses as you
can, and get restrictions, like (if this... unless... unless...)
and so forth.
Make some wierd numbering system, and rule ordering things that
don't make much sense.
Have fun with it. Get carried away.
00002) Calvinball
The opposite of Nomic. It has no real rules. The
idea comes from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. The game is
played with a ball, but that's about the only rule. As players run
around with the ball, hit it with sticks, or something, the other
players suddenly point out something they did, and say what they
have to do because of it.
This thing should be annoying to the person who has to do it.
The one rule is that unless it's really bad, or the person wants to
be a spoilsport, they should do the thing.
The game uses as much sport or game equipment as you can find.
This makes it easier to make stuff up. For example:
"You touched the croquet-hoop of poetry! Now you have to go up
to someone, recite a poem, and dump a bucket of water on your
head!"
"I got the ball to the baseball base! Now you have to stand on
your head and sing Yankee Doodle!"
And so forth... Have fun with it. Get carried away.
It's also real fun played with cards... Try to be the first
to win, but don't do it so early it's poor sport, eh? Nasty.
00003) Sink
A Discordian game. The object is to sink things. In mud,
water, tar, jello, whatever.
Objects are found by the players, and may be given names if the
players feel like it. Things are sunk in some manner, such as
throwing other things on top of them, pushing them, filling them
with water, etc.
Upon sinking something, the player who sunk it should yell "I
sunk it!", or something equally clever. They may also name the
object if it was given a name, thus making a statement like "I sank
Yukon!".
00004) Hide-And-Seek
This well known game is great fun if played by crack military
commando units, armed with laser-guided rifles, co-ordinated by
walky-talky, and let loose on the playing field of a great shopping
center.
Smaller versions are also fun, if less bloody.
00005) MAO
I can't tell you how to play this. It's against the rules.
WHOOPS! Shouldn't have said that.
Actually, here follow the rules of Mao. Encrypted, using Phil
Zimmerman's PGP encryption program, with an RSA-type encryption
system, using a key which we won't reveal to you now. It is
estimated (honest) that it would take you 20 billion years of
computer time (really) to crack this encryption (true!), but if you
really feel like it, go ahead.
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Enjoy.
PREFACE IX
As Written By
ConfusionBLATTT Confuse-ius
Ask not why the world is so confusing, but rather what
you can do to make it even more perplexing. INTRODUCING...
CRASH!
OPERATION MINDF*CK! (Whoa, them U.S. Pentagon types... They're
everywhere.)
Okay, so like, the point of the thing is to make everyone
confused fnord. Okay, so like, the point of the thing is to make
everyone confused fnord. Also, it's a good idea to make them
paranoid.
WATCH OUT! THE PARANOIDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU!
The paranoids are watching you... Why?
Just because they're paranoid doesn't mean you're not
out to get them... So SIC EM!
The point of Operation Mindfuck is that you just keep
doing confusing things. Make sure to contradict yourself in your
methods and victims... That way, if anyone finds out, they'll
sound paranoid.
"But officer, there are thousands of them, all trying
to confuse me! They've infiltrated the postal system, and they
threw mints on me!"
"Right. Blow into the little bag, will you?"
To get the maximum effect, try ganging up in large groups
of a hundred or so and do your best to confuse a single person.
This is highly effective fnord.
On the other hand...
It's nice and useful to operate in small groups. That way,
there's less chance of a leak fnord. So, you can operate quickly
quickly and easily fnord within the system fnord. Use the system
to your advantage. Some people will believe anything written on
official letterhead. Some people will do anything a MEMO tells
them to.
Photocopy letterhead, memo forms, and any FORMS FORMS FORMS
FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMSFORMSFORMSFORMSFORMS
FORMSOHOHOHFORMSFORMSFNORDFNORDFORMS that you can. Great for
clogging up the drainage pipes of some civil servant.
Let's take the classic example of I Yemen-Oying and
Floyd Gecko's great tour-de-force practical joke.
It's a spare period. They've got some time to waste.
Floyd cuts off the letterhead from an official memo, and gets this
bizarre look on his face. It's uncanny. Yemen asks what's up,
and soon catches on. It's a cool idea, eh?
They enter the computer room, and examine the typefont on
the official memo. Modern Schoolbook, 11 pitch, 1.5 spacing.
Terriffic. Floyd and Yemen construct a memo to go with their new
letterhead. A laserprint and 30 composite photocopies later, and
they have some passable imitations of a completely official looking
memo. Into the mailboxes it goes, sowing confusion and puzzlement
wherever it goes.
TO: All Staff
FROM: D.I. Macdonald, Principal
RE: Alien Invasion Of Lisgar
DATE: 9 April 1991
It has come to my attention that there has been an invastion of
this planet by beings of unknown origin. These beings, who have
been identified only as "Xennothemians" are identifiable by their
nasal pitched voice and greyish hair. Although it has been shown
that not all of them have exactly ten fingers, all those occupied
in the invasion force are, indeed, of this type.
Among people identified as belonging to this invasion force are
George Bush and our own Vice Principal Ian Grant. Therefore,
it is advisable that this memo not be given to him. Please take
all reasonable precautions in this area. Also, make all efforts
to prevent students from reading this memo, as it may cause
panic, and disruption of classes. This would alert Mr. Grant
to our suspicions.
The Alien Task Force have advised us to continue as usual as if
we were not aware of this fact, and to take all precautions against
Mr. Grant discovering our knowledge of his presense here. The
Task Force is now studying a specimen to determine the most
effective method of deterring these aliens, but for the moment,
please take no action.
Further memos may follow as information is provided to us.
So this memo enters the system. Slowly, surely, like a
river trickling into the ocean. Teacher after teacher gets a
copy. What the hell is this? Is it for real? Nah.
On the other hand... In that one-in-a-trillion chance,
*I* could be the one to blow everything...
Naah.
Unless...
Mr. Macdonald didn't really write this, did he? Better CONFUSE-ING INTER-RAPTURE #3.14159265358979323846
not show it to Mr. Grant... he might be upset. Except, of course,
that's just silly...
WELCOME TO OPERATION MINDFUCK!
With enough people putting in their own little ideas to The
Operation, it doesn't look like a conspiracy, it looks like a
damn mess, it what it looks like.
So... What can you do? Find another Confuse-ionBLATTT or
a DiscordianBLATTT or anyone who might like to go out and confuse
someone. Do whatever you like, big or little, great or small, huge
or tiny. Be it the most elaborate practical joke in hBLATTTory, or
merely "bleep"ing in the middle of a crowded theatre...
It'll do.
Oh, but wait! There's more! Ever hear of the CIA?
The KGB? The NSA? CSIS? CSE? What are they all for? Good
lord, nobody knows! As far as we can tell, they're out to
thwart each other! They're spreading false clues across half
the globe, inventing insanely complicated schemes to outwit
each other, getting hordes of people to gang up on other hordes,
and generally confusing the hell out of everyone.
It's so beautiful, I could almost cry.
Here's a hint. The more well known an intelligence
agency is, the less effective it is, on account of everyone
knows about it, so it ain't secret. Sure, you all know of
the FBI. But did you know they're one of the least effective
of the American intelligence agencies? Not so many people
know as much about the CIA, but they know it's more effective.
They just don't know why.
Oh, but did you know about the NSA? The National
Security Agency? Most people never even heard about it, but
hardly anyone knows that it's the single most effective agency
in North America, employing more than all others put together.
One time, a hacker broke into NSA computers, and instead
of prosecuting, which would have drawn attention to them, they
hired him, figuring it's safer to have him on their side than
to let the public know they exBLATTT by holding a big trial.
How about CSIS? Everyone knows they do a bad job.
Ever hear of the CSE? Hell, most people don't even
know it exBLATTTs, let alone the fact that it's almost as big
as the NSA. Canadian Security Elite, or something like that.
Hell, I don't even know what it STANDS for. But did you know
that it runs CSIS as a front, so nobody will suspect that
Canada actually has a top-notch intelligence force?
The KGB? NONSENSE! It's as much a front as CSIS, but
it's so effective, nobody KNOWS what it's fronting for!
Would it surprise you to learn that the FBI is a CIA
front? That the CIA is an NSA front? That the CSE is also an
NSA front?
No?
Well would you be surprised to find out that both the
NSA and whatever is hiding behind the KGB are BOTH fronts?
Why, you ask, WHAT FOR?
Simple. OPERATION MINDFUCK!
Or is it? Is there something else, something... hidden
behind the scenes, pulling strings like some giant puppetteer?
Nah, let's hope not... But what about the ancient society of
PHD? It's a three-letter acronym... And what does it stand
for, anyway? PHilosophy Doctor? Get real. That's a STUPID
acronym... But you never thought otherwise. See how effective
they are?
The more effective an intelligence gathering and fake
information spreading agency is, the less you know about it.
Even if you're working for it. ESPECIALLY if you're working
for it. Those PHD types don't even KNOW they're working for
a conspiracy; that PROVES how effective it is.
So obviously, the MOST effective is one you've never
even heard of, initials or otherwise. But if it's obvious, it
must be what they WANT us to think, obviously...
I love it, don't you?
Invent your own! Gather some people, get them to tell
you what's going on, and lie to everyone else. The more paranoid
they are, the better. If they ain't, well MAKE THEM PARANOID.
But it's interesting, isn't it, how MOOism,
ConfusionBLATT, QUACK!BLATT, DiscordianBLATT, OINKBLATT,
SubGeniusBLATT, and all them claim to contain the others?
In fact, they're all ConfusionBLATTTs... Yeah, that's it.
And, like MOOism, we accept any weird or twBLATTTed version of
ourselves that you choose to invent and call ConfusionBLATTT (or
MOOism), because A) we accept everything, and B) well fuck, it's
not like we could STOP you or anything. PREFACE IX
As Written By
Anonymous Ann O'Nymous
THE OFFICIAL SEMI-SERIOUS HBLATTTORY OF ALL THIS MOO CRAP
Right. In the beginning there was the Psycho-Shoppe.
In it were lots of psychoes on sale, and nobody was buying it.
And there was Floyd and Halfy and Hellhound and Leper and all
them guys, and then Yemen showed up in a fit of static, line
noise, and a crappy modem that wouldn't print lower-case...
And in the midst of all this confusion, there appeared
a serene voice who refused to enter the inane conversations,
and said only one word all week.
And that word was MOO.
And the voice was Yari.
This was the first entry in the Gospel According to
Yari. There was a tense expectant pause. A week later, Yari
returned, saying it again, but with the addition "MOOing makes
you feel good, why don't you try it?"
So they did. And they liked it so much, that they
decided to be religious about it, and eat fudge on tuesdays.
And then they were all happy (all four of them) for several
days until Funky B. appeared and said it was stupid. Then
some of the nonaligned folks realized that maybe it was,
missing entirely the point that it was supposed to be.
And they became the "Anti-MOOs" for a long time, and
I Yemen-Oying was one of them. And they didn't eat fudge.
Then finally, one day, one of them, maybe it was
Overkill-4-Breakfast, decided it was time they had a real
name, that didn't make them sound like they were related to
MOO in any way. They debated for a few days, and QUACK was
chosen as the most mocking of the whole barnyard-animal-noise-
making-religion thing. And I Yemen-Oying, being the one who
came up with the name, was made the semi-kinda-sorta-a-little-
bit-leader.
And it was about this time that the Halfy was chosen
as the symbol for MOO, though the QUACKs lagged behind many
months in the chosing of a symbol.
Eventually Abacab appeared in the MOO circles and toyed
with the idea of becoming a MOOist until he came, by virtue of
no organization at all in the QUACKs, their Profit, and he led
them, with I Yemen-Oying as the Most Honorable Duck, for many
months, still having no symbol. And they did most heinously
create BushBashes, kicking out MOOists (or trying to; the MOOists
were armed to the teeth) and saying in their annoying mind drug
"MOOists are abnormal and evil and we hate them" and "We will
always obey the laws of this country" and other silly things,
little realizing that that was exactly what Floyd, Halfy, and
Hellhound had in mind... (Though to be honest, Hellhound was a
DiscordianBLATTT throughout all this.)
Eventually, as told in the Book Of Quack, Abacab saw
ome kind of light, read the Book Of MOO, got drunk, and decided
to make his cult a subsect of MOO. I Yemen-Oying hated this
idea, and made threatening noises from the back of his throat,
little realizing what was to come.
Inevitably, the inevitable happened, as the inevitable
inevitably does, despite all the inevitable attempt to evit it.
After much heated argument, there became two splinter factions of
QUACK, as was bound to happen with any rigid, inflexible religion.
The first, led by Abacab, is the one described in the
big Book Of Quack, enclosed in this Book Of MOO. The second,
led by I Yemen-Oying (well, sorta) has yet to write an annoying
mind drug, and we know little about them, except that they act
exactly like MOOists and ConfusionBLATTTs most of the time, except
when they insult MOO, when they're usually not as violent as most
MOOists.
This subsect, calling itself the REAL QUACK, or some
such thing, mostly disappeared, because few of them had modems
and even fewer had the time to launch a full-scale crusade.
On top of which there were fewer than ten of them.
We have yet to find their official annoying mind drug for
inclusion in this one.
Ŀ
ϻ
ANNOUNCING A GNU CONTEST FROM THE CHURCH OF MOO!
We are looking for a phrase to replace the one at the
bottom of this box, as the most mumbo-jumbBLATTTic
"Alternative Scene" catchall-buzzphrase for the '90's,
and we need your help!
If you can find a phrase, sentence, word, or other
semantic THINGY, which has greater comic potential as
pure Establishment mockery of the "Counter-Culture"
then please send it to us so that we can use it to the
point of media saturation. Winners will be printed
in upcoming editions of MOO-JUICE, the official
GNUsletter of the Cardinal Richelieus...
Current Catchall: "CybershamanBLATTTic Techno-Pagan"
Category: Adjective Submitted By: Floyd Gecko
Ķ
ͼ
PREFACE X
As Written By
Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious
Halo Q
The Economics Of MOO
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land not so very
far from here, there lived a group of self-domesticated apes.
These apes were very much cleverer than most apes, and they had
learned how to domesticate animals. The first animals they had
ever domesticated were themselves, which was why they were so
clever and not as violent as their ancestors had been.
Then they began to domesticate other animals, like wolves,
which they turned into daschunds and poodles and yorkshire
terriers. And they domesticated wildebeests, and turned them into
holsteins. And they sort of domesticated the ferocious bobcats,
and turned them into manxes and tabbies.
But mostly they domesticated wildebeests.
And the self-domesticated apes made the domesticated
wildebeests grow milk for them, and get fat on special kinds of
domesticated grass, domesticated especially to feed domesticated
wildebeests. And eventually they got these animals, which are now
called cows, to be so fat and milk-ridden that it was even possible
to eat their meat almost all the time. And so the domesticated
apes began to gather large numbers of these cows together in herds.
A herd of cows?
OF COURSE I'VE HEARD OF COWS!
And finally it came to pass that these tame apes, called
humans, got themselves together and domesticated each other, and
not just themselves, and they got to the point where they could
stand to be with more than ten or twenty other tame apes at a time
without killing them. And so they started to move into big
domesticated rockpiles called cities.
And soon they noticed that they couldn't keep cows in the
domesticated rockpiles, and so they started wanting to get cows
from the tame apes who still lived out with the cows. And so they
started to give things in exchange for cows, like domesticated
boars (pigs) and domesticated chickens (chickens), which they could
grow in the cities. And eventually this got just too inconvenient.
And so eventually, as always happens when you get a bunch of
similar things together that can act according to what happens to
them, the tame apes started to form groups and bunches, like
bunches of bananas, or flocks of birds. And the bunches were
strong enough that each individual tame ape couldn't really do very
much unless the bunch agreed. And this was okay, because it kept
them from killing each other. And these bunches of tame apes were
called governments and religions, and today we call them
corporations and organizations, too.
Before long these bunches realized that they could trust one
another, because otherwise someone would get hurt very badly by the
special not-so-tame apes that the bunches kept, which were called
police, and armies. So they started making bits of metal, mostly
gold, that they could give each other as a promise to pay them some
cows, which was what they used to trade with in those days.
This was such a good idea that they eventually gave up with
the trading in for cows idea, and started to worship the Gold the
way they'd once worshipped the cows, and even today a lot of people
think it's primitive to worship cows, without ever realizing why.
So eventually the tame apes worshipped the almighty dollar instead
of the almighty MOO, which was okay, but maybe a little silly,
because of what happened afterwards.
What happened afterwards was something like this. The
different bunches had different kinds of gold, with different
stamps on them, which were used to show that it was really from the
right bunch, and you could actually trust it. Some of those
bunches, called banks, teamed up with other bunches, called
governments, and started a special kind of system that let them
invent money out of nothing, even if there wasn't enough gold to
make it real, and certainly if there weren't enough cows, because
they'd started using money for things besides cows by now.
So this system was very good, they thought. Instead of making
stamped bits of gold, you'd make paper with the promise to pay
stamped bits of gold, that promised to pay in cows. That way, you
could give even more money than you had gold, if you knew you were
going to get more gold, or more cows, or more ANYTHING that you
could trade for gold or cows.
The banks, which thought THEY controlled money, would give
some to the governments, getting a promise from the governments to
give it back, with a little extra for all the inconvenience. And
the governments, which thought THEY controlled money, would
"licence" the banks to do this, and then print up more paper so
that they could pay it all back. Because the governments KNEW that
they'd be able to get more money from things called "Taxes", which
was a certain amount of money that they'd take from the people they
"governed".
So this made them able to make more and more money as they
found more and more things to spend it on, until there was more
money than there was gold to back it up, and FAR more money than
there were cows.
And so people spent money, and the faster the money got spent,
the faster other people got money, and the faster the government
got taxes, and the more money they could make, and so there got to
be more and more and more money as people did things that other
people wanted to give them fake-cows for, like building things, or
selling things.
And the faster the money went around, the more of it there
was, until there was too much money to be spent all on these little
bits of paper, and so they had to come up with a GNU system of
keeping track of their imaginary cows.
And the GNU system was very good, because they had realized
what they had been doing all along, which was replacing things with
information that represented things. And so they replaced the bits
of paper with numbers on it with the numbers by themselves, and the
banks became even more powerful, because they kept all the records
that made sure that all the numbers were in the right columns so
that everybody had the right number of imaginary MOO-cows "in the
bank".
But there wasn't actually any money "in the bank", at least
not on paper. This was because the government allowed the banks to
invent imaginary money, by giving more money on loan to people than
they actually had ever been given, because the people would
eventually pay it back, with a little extra "interest". And so the
tame apes didn't need money any more, and they could just play
around with numbers on paper to keep track of how many cows they
had, and the cows could just go about their business getting killed
by the tame apes to get eaten.
And this was more or less good, until some tame apes invented
the idea that the money didn't really mean anything if it was just
numbers, and not things like cows and pigs and chickens and cars
and computers and houses. So these tame apes didn't like the
system of "Credit Cards", because they thought it gave the banks
too much power, and that other tame apes could get to the computers
that held the numbers and change them. Which was a silly thing to
worry about, because they already thought that the money didn't
mean anything.
But they were loud enough and annoying enough that eventually
a tame ape somewhere came up with an even better idea. This was
very complicated-sounding, but it was very good. Instead of having
someone keep track of your numbers, the tame ape said, you keep
track of them yourself, in a way that can't been faked.
And this tame ape invented a system that used "smart cards"
and "computer chips" that used a special mathematical coding system
called "RSA encryption coding" that couldn't be broken except by a
special system, and built that system into the cards.
This was good, because it meant that everyone could carry
around a card that had the records of how many imaginary cows they
had, and nobody could change it, because nobody could break the
code. And each card had special circuits in it that would make
sure that only the person who knew what number to put into it could
make the circuits change the numbers of imaginary cows, and then
only when it was connected to another card. That way, the tame
apes could give each other imaginary cows in exchange for real
things and services, but nobody could steal money from anyone else.
This was also good, because it meant that governments couldn't
invent money any more, or take it away from people in "taxes", and
people could be free to spend money as fast as they wanted, and
other people would get money, and the people they worked for would
get more money, until the money was moving fast enough that anyone
could get anything they wanted.
Unfortunately, most people didn't understand how this system
could work, because they didn't realize that it didn't matter how
many imaginary cows there were in the land, as long as everyone
agreed on how much one was worth, so they could get more and more
things to spend money on. So this system has never been used yet.
Which is really a crying shame. Halo Z.6
Brainwashing And You
As Written By Accident
(a.k.a. Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious)
Hear the word of MOO!
Jah, mon. You have been brainwashed by the corporations. Do
you think your opinions aren't shaped by the media? By what you
see on the IdiotBox/BoobToob/TellerVision? You think you're free?
Well, whatever.
It's just standard economics. They gotta sell commercial
time, yes? So they gotta say what the Sponsors wanna tell you.
And the sponsors tell you what makes you a happy camper, a
brainwashed drone for reasonless contemptible...
Hey, cool song lyrics.
Well, anyway. The point is, this ain't conpiracy theory, it's
just plain old ordinary economics. Making a profit.
To make a profit, you have to subdue the prophet in each of
us. The prophet finds its own truth. The drone accepts consensus
reality. And buys Rasinettes. A sort of sidewash backlash
overspill effect of this tendency to improve their own profits is
that they don't be wanting our money to collapse into
worthlessness, recognized for the fake version of a fake version of
a fake version of a cow it has come to be COW. So they don't want
the government system to collapse.
So you gotta like the sytem.
But of course, they don't control everything. That's why
there's actual genuine anarchBLATTTs out there (0.007% of the
population)... But the MediaCorps like to chun out pretend
anarchBLATTTs, to discredit them. And it ain't hard. They just
have to make ya swallow the line that "rebels is kool". So they
use the rebels to sell everything from cars to diapers to canned
tuna. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Don't they have the right to preserve themselves? It's done
in self defense. Without profits, they'd die. And a corporation
has just as much right to life as a human does. It's just our
prejudice that says only spacially-localized information patterns
have the "right to life".
So SWALLOW the line, and support your local corporation.
Some people call this conspiracy theory. But like I said, it
isn't. It's just prefectly normal corporate drives. And there's
nothing wrong with that.
The end result is that when you have money (which you have to,
or everything gets really crowded with all that COW-exchange going
on), you automatically get brainwashing. That's why so many people
in this country, and scads of others, are wandering drones of the
system, controlled from birth by the media to be what they want us
to want them to want us to be.
They may not THINK they're drones, and really, in most ways,
they aren't. It's just the underlying structure that gets trimmed
a little away from the sensitive areas, like "smash da system,
dude" and the like.
"But this CapriCancer/Illuminati/W.O.M.B.A.T./Xennothemian
threat is managed by the MEDIA. By TELEVISION, for heaven's sakes!
How can that possibly have any effect on what we THINK? I don't
see the connection."
These days, the television is the retina of the mind's eye:
kids can't imagine without one. Therefore, the television screen
is part of the physical construction of the brain. Therefore,
whatever appears on the television screen is absorbed as raw
experience and opinions by those who watch. There's oodles of
evidence. I mean, kids buy more of those TV-show inspired posable
plastic figurines than you can shake a lamb's tail at. Then they
can't figure out what to do with them, and they sort of sit there
gathering dust. The excitement is gone in the shake of a stick.
But they keep going back.
The TV gives you prepackaged bits of opinion, viewpoint,
information. The human mind, like any other dynamic system, takes
the route of least resBLATTTance. Except for those with feedback
mechanBLATTs to make it EASIER to think independently than to be
lazy, EVERYONE takes those opinions for truth.
The voice of now.
"But... But... The dang fascBLATTT right-wing government
always complains that the media is so liberal and pinko and
everything."
Well, yes, but they define just how liberal you're allowed to
get. Noam Chomsky complained about that once. People just aren't
willing to take him seriously. WHY? Because he's more left-wing
than the media.
Well, fuck, so were the hippies. Nobody took them seriously,
and they eventually got brainwashed into not expressing their
opinions any more. Well, lots of them did. Well, some of them
did. Well... Uhhh... You know what I mean.
Plus which, liberal media aren't so liberal as to want to
overthrow the system, which is what they're trying to prevent.
They offer you "alternatives" like Democrat and Republican, like
PC, Liberal and NDP.
Oh yeah.
"I can't see the difference. Can YOU see the difference?"
"Price is the difference."
Yes, that's right. Read my lips. No... New... Taxes...
So by giving you these few little options, all of which are in
favour of slow reform of policies, and not revolting against
anything except maybe their month-old tomatoes at the back of the
fridge, they give you the impression that that's all there is to
it.
Plus that, of course, the "liberal" media isn't so liberal as
it might look. Oh, sure, they give you the impression that
someone's looking out for those dangerous Nazis in Parliament, or
whatever. But isn't that really the point?
They LOOK like they're under control. It LOOKS like you're
being given an objective and critical look at the system.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Excuse me. I just had to get that out of my system.
In fact, the only purpose they serve is to give the
conservatives something to react off to get MORE conservative, and
the liberals something to feel complacent about. It's a perfect
method of preserving the system.
But that's nothing to get upset about.
It's just perfectly reasonable economics. I wouldn't get
upset if I were you.
Everything's fine.
Time goes by.
In time, you'll find...
Everything is just fine.
Halo P2
Politicos Of The World
As Written By
Councilgoof Brian O'Blivious
All across this great country of Theirs, the truth becomes
more evident by the second. The keyboard is mightier than the
sword, but only at range. It ranks a close second to the bazooka
when it comes to sheer devastation of personal lives. But what's
the point, really?
What I mean is, why bother trying to change the world by
writing about it (like I'm doing now) when you can change the world
by DOING something about it? Go out there and help make the world
a better place, where we can all live in peace and harmony, and all
be exactly the same as everyone else! C'mon, together we stand,
divided we fall! Kick ass for Jesus!
I'd rather be brainwashed by a government than by myself.
With a government, you can look at its motives more or less
objectively, even when you've been brainwashed. If you brainwash
yourself, what kind of a hope have you got to look at the results?
How are you supposed to figure out if you're what you wanted to
make yourself want to want to be, or whether that just what you
WANT yourself to think?
Besides, you can't really "pull the wool over your own eyes".
It doesn't work that way. Everything you delude yourself with,
every time you try to take control of your own destiny, you're
acting based on stuff that's happened to you. Your input from the
environment around you. And it's a self-modifying, complexly
interacting system, too. By any reasonable definition of the word,
it's an intelligent entity. Just one whose motives we're not even
CAPABLE of understanding. Who knows what it might want you to
think?
Better to be brainwashed by friends. A small group of
friends. That way, you can all monitor each other sort-of-a-
little-bit objectively, and see where it's all going. That's our
GNU politics of the GNU Reality.
I mean, if we all try to live together in harmony, we'll have
to make sacrifices to avoid treading on each other's toes, and
generally making pains in the asses of ourselves. We have to give
up our ideas, our beliefs, our styles, or we'll end up getting
pissed off at one another. And that wouldn't be any good. That's
destroying the manifestation of information. When the information
is genetic, that's called murder. You wouldn't want to be a party
to murder, would you?
Even if you would, you wouldn't fit in too well in a
harmonized society either, come to think of it.
That's why we're Neo-Tribal AnarchBLATTTs. Every little group
that can live together without killing each other should separate,
and go its own little way. Before too long, this will be
technically feasable. You can live in the privacy of your own
home, getting your food-and-shelter monkey by working from there
by pooter/modem, talking by the datanet to people in your Tribe.
Or, if you're an anti-tech Tribe, you go live on a commune
somewhere, in the GNU World Disorder that will let you do that
without trying to screw you over, like they did in the Bad Old
Days. Or, if you LIKED the Bad Old Days, and you WANT to go out
annoying other Tribes whose worldviews don't mesh with yours, you
can go fuck yourself, and if I ever meet you, I'll kill you.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance. Halo TV
Privacy And Anarchy
As Written By The Way
(a.k.a. Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious)
Privacy is at an end! The Government is watching you from
inside your T.V. set! Computers will take away your rights of
freedom!
Well, maybe. One thing that most people wouldn't deny is that
computers and networks and "other damn stuff like that" is an
empowering technology. For now, as of the time I'm writing this,
there's no reason to believe that the trend towards empowering tech
will stop. Rapid information sharing systems like the Usenet (a
sort of abstract informational thing that piggybacks in the large
Internet hardware the way your mind piggybacks on your brain) and
Fidonet (as of now, the largest AMATEUR network, linking upwards of
20000 individual pooter systems around the world), these all have
a way of distributing information in a way that simply can't be
stopped.
The only way a government of today could control the leaking
of "potentially dangerous information" out of the country is to
actually cut all the phone lines, jam all satellite linkages, and
make sure that nobody has access to a HAM radio. But that's just
not practical. People wouldn't stand for it, for one thing. I
mean, how would you feel if the government suddenly, and for no
readily explained reason, suddenly cut all phone lines coming from
your house just because you have access to information? Any large
scale attempt to do that would result in, well, a revolution. It's
just not possible any more. The possibilities of data compression
and encryption (especially using RSA-type public key encryption,
for which the encryption and decryption keys are separate) make
actual monitoring of e-mail and file transfer impossible.
Funky software allows the gimpy people who write detructo-viri
(that blow up your compooter when they get inside, or otherwise
mangle things, rather than playing music, leaving irritating notes
on your screen, and so forth) to alter their own informational
signature jacket by self-compiling, encrypting and compressing,
like the common cold virus alters its protein jacket. This,
combined with annoyingly well-designed modular programming wares
for virus-production (the Tinkertoy of cracker-hackers) means that
anyone with access to encrypted anarchBLATTT file-server places can
put together a virus capable of doing any number of bothersome
and/or useful things, and the government can't do a damn thing
about it. Grr. Grrr. What a shame.
Of course, the "Government" will never be sufficiently ahead
of the constantly bubbling thing-that-bubbles of technological
advance to actually put in controls over technology. The only way
to keep the criminal and sociopathic types from having a monopoly
over viri is to allow everyone to have the systems, and the know-
how to use them. If pooters are outlawed, then only outlaws will
have pooters. That is, only the people who are ALREADY anti-
government, will have access to the empowering technology that's
available. Of course, when EVERYONE has the power to hack EVERYONE
around, then the government simply won't last long. Centralized
institutions just can't stand in the face of this kind of
technological advance.
Central banks, for example, are frighteningly vulnerable: a
single virus with access to the money records can do anything to
your account it wants. That's what the crypto-money scheme is for
what I was talking about earlier. Almost certainly, this system
WILL be introduce, using cryptographically strong encoding,
tranmission through eavesdrop-proof quantum encrypted channels, and
storage media that respond to each read (like a quantum-ROM system,
perhaps, which erases itself whenever you read it, due to
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle). People just have to get
together and agree to accept one-way exchanges of this self-valued
encrypted information as actual money. The government will
immediately try to tax this, but, well, the government simply MUST
change in response to new waves of technology, or it dies. That's
simple Systems Analysis: a self-rectifying system which fails to
develop new response patterns in reference to new outside stimuli
is less successful and self-propagating than one whch does.
Oh, sure, maybe not everyone will accept the new form of
money. Then their money will be the first target when a wave of
prepackaged modular viri gets loosed on the banks. Big wow. So
the system that survives is the system that accepts crypto-money.
Maybe not everyone will accept the same information format. Well,
no problem: not everyone now accepts foreign money. Just you try
spending Yen in Arkansas...
Just remember: once the Printing Press was feared by liberals
as a tool of oppression. Its actual effect? Liberation from
tyranny, literacy for the masses, and a flourishing of intellectual
acheivement. The computer and the 'net holds the same threat, and
the same promise.
Anarchy is not dead. Watch your overcoat.
MIND-CONTROL CONSPIRACIES ARE PEOPLE TOO!
MOO
OMM
BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES
Book of Halfy
Chapter 0001. (What Happened?)
0001: The Grate Prophet did come down and meet his followers, and
with him, he brought the great symbol of the MOOists.
0002: The followers of MOO did name this symbol in honour of the
Grate Prophet, and it shall be called the Halfy.
Chapter 0002. (Truth: Yeah, right...)
0001: Everything is true, nothing is permissible.
0012: This explains why this book is so short.
0082: It shall be known that the word "Aaaoooozorazzazzaieoazaei-
iiozakhoeoooythoeazaeaoozakhoza