Editor's Prescript To THE GRATE BOOK OF MOO I came by this document, written on old parchm
Editor's Prescript To
THE GRATE BOOK OF MOO
I came by this document, written on old parchment in a fine
calligraphic hand, and signed in an illegible scrawl, in the back
of an old book shop, sold as a package with a volume on the
Copernican solar system. The signature I later took to a
handwriting analyst, who determined it to be that of one "Egbert B.
Gebstadter". After reading the document carefully several times,
I returned with the book to the shop where I had bought it, and
asked where the owner had obtained it. It seems that he had bought
it off a certain translator named Gebstadter who, being hard up for
money, had brought in a stack of books from his private collection,
all of which were very antique. He was reluctant to part with
them, but needed the cash. With some difficulty, I was able to
track down this Gebstadter, and in exchange for the return of his
book on Copernicus, I was able to extract from him the information
of whence came this mysterious parchment. It seems Gebstadter
himself had translated the work about ten years earlier, and that
he had obtained it from a friend named Marcus.
I sought out Marcus, who reported that he had found the
document in the bottom of an ancient steamer trunk. This would
have been the end of my trail, except that Marcus happened to have
been curious about what such a document would be doing underneath
the false bottom that concealed the inside of the trunk. Although
Marcus himself could not translate the document, the original of
which he showed me, Gebstadter had helped him, hence his curiosity.
He had returned to his uncle, from whom he had obtained the trunk,
and eventually dragged the secret out of him. Marcus' uncle had
been visiting in Sweden some years previously, and hidden the
document in his trunk to ensure its safety during the voyage.
Marcus asked where his uncle had found the document, and discovered
that it was sold to him by a fortune teller in Stockholm. She had
obtained it in lieu of payment from a mysterious customer in a long
dark coat, and having no use for it, sold it immediately to Marcus'
uncle.
Fortunately, Marcus' uncle had had the good sense to demand to
know what it was, and so had the fortune teller, who wasn't ready
to accept anything short of cash without a good explanation. The
mysterious customer had told the lady that it was a translation
into Swedish of an ancient Atlantean manuscript known only as the
"Voynich Manuscript". He told her that he had "liberated" it from
the hands of the tightfisted Atlantis scholar who had translated
it. The scholar himself had obtained it from a peddler in England,
who had sold him many works of Atlantean art, and the occasional
manuscript, and the peddler, on pressure from the scholar, admitted
to stealing it from the Temple of Atlantis, which survived in
London, handing down the tradition of the Atlantean faith from
"High Preest" to "High Preest". These Atlantis Templars professed
as an article of faith, when the peddler joined under false
pretenses in order to steal the Atlantean art, that they had had
them since the fall of Atlantis, and a few surviving members
rescued some of the islands more important and portable treasures
in their boat. This particular manuscript, they elaborated, was a
transcript of the original, taken during the fall of Atlantis from
the palace of the Great King Norble-Goop the Seventh, who reigned
during the Fourth Dynasty of the House of Norble, the final dynasty
of Atlantis.
Investigating the Atlantis Templars, I discovered that King
Norble had neither written nor found the manuscript himself, but
that it had been in the Royal Archives for the past several
thousand years before the final collapse of Atlantis. It was
originally purchased by Queen Dorble-Sneep the Fifth, of the
Seventh Dynasty of the Dorbles, from a travelling Flying Saucer
pilot, and translated by the Alien Contact specialists of Atlantis.
The pilot explained that he was an Intergalactic Merchant Broker,
and that this document was of no use to him, having been purchased
from a Time Travel Technician as a novelty item for his wife, just
before learning that she'd filed for divorce. The Time Travel
Technician, in turn, had picked it up as a sample from some time in
the future, and translated it for study. After finding out what it
was, he began selling the translated copies. It later turned out
that the "some time in the future" happened to be some hundred
thousand years after the Intergalactic Merchant Broker got it, and,
after further study, I found that the exact dates given by the
Atlantis Templars explained their horror at finding the manuscript
stolen by the peddlar.
Apparently the Technician explained to the Intergalactic
Merchant Broker that the present civilization on Earth (that is,
Atlantis) would eventually collapse, and 10000 years would pass
before civilzation emerged again, somewhere in Africa or possibly
the Mediterranean (he wasn't quite sure), and a long time after
that, this very book would appear somewhere in one of the major
countries of the world. The Atlantean Templars assumed he meant
THEIR copy of the book, which he would then return to his own time
and translate into Galactic, since the given date for the theft was
in 1998, known to be the year of the X-ist arrival on Earth. As it
turns out, it is most likely to be this very manuscript. Guard
yours carefully, and don't let any aliens steal it!
Enough of the story... On with the Book of MOO!
MOOism has nothing to do with COWs.
We just like the sound they make.
Released 1355670401.55555 DPP
Final Release
Version 3.141592653589793238462543383
It has been said that King Kong died for your sins
this has been confirmed
The One Commandment
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law
Unless Thou Wilt Not Follow The Law
(in other words)
Do What You Want Unless You Don't Want To
(or)
Never Mind
(or simply)
MU!
"If It Ain't Ranted, It Ain't True"
-W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. Motto
DISCLAIMER
Don't trust anyone. If they tell you something, it's a lie.
In fact, every sentence ever written or spoken is a lie. No,
that's a lie. Or maybe that was. This one is a lie. Actually,
that's not true. The truth IS somewhere in this book. You just
have to find it. Remember: Just because it's deep, don't mean it's
True. This Book has been thouroughly researched. Just that some
of the facts have been changed to protect the guilty. This is a
most blasphemous and heretical and annoying mind drug passing
itself off as a book. So don't blame us if you get addicted or
sent to Hell. Don't read the footnotes. They're dangerous. The
truth isn't in them. THEY LIE! LIE LIKE A RUG! If you experience
side effects from this annoying mind drug, contact your regular
physician. Do not inhale this annoying mind drug while operating
heavy marmalade. This annoying mind drug is not intended to
replace genuine and authorized medical, professional, legal,
political, social, economic, or otherwise authenticated advice.
Consult your regular brainwasher before pulling the wool over your
own eyes.
COPY-RITES
Copyright wheneverthehell this is. We hold all rights to this
work, yes, you heard me, ALL of them. This work may not be
reproduced in whole or in part by any means, photocopy, modem,
reading, understanding, remembering, mentioning, or any other
method without the prior written consent of the High Preest.
That being out of the way, I hereby give written consent for
anyone to do whatever they like to it. Not that I'm the High
Preest or anything.
All rights reserved except the right to reserve all rights except
the one used to reserve most of the rights except the right to
reserve all rights but this one. All rites reversed.
And now for something completely identacle...
INTRODUCTION
This is the current compiled works of MOOism as written by
those who really should know better - The Apostles of MOO, and
compiled, edited and formatted by the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound
101 (who claims no responsability for the contents thereof). It
was then taken by Floyd Gecko, High Preest of MOO, and shamefully
edited beyond all recognition. Finally taken by Half-Mad, Grate
Prophet of MOO, and hacked up into the COW format you see here. It
should be noted that Hellhound 101 has since attempted to leave, on
account of how the others got far too carried away with the whole
thing, and lost track of the point. The others insBLATTT that that
WAS the point. But they're fools. If you thought this was stupid,
just wait till you read the REST of the Book.
Those who take this book at face value are fools.
Those who ignore what this book says are fools.
Those who think this book is a waste of time are fools.
Correct fools, but fools nonetheless.
DEDICATION
This Great Book of MOO is dedicated to itself.
Houtos Biblios MOOei Esti Seauti.
Hic libros MOOi suae dedicatus est.
TABLE OF CONTENTS (In No Particular Order)
HOLY BEGINNING, BATMAN!
HOLY DEFENSIVENESS ................... Grate Prophet Half-Mad
TITLE PAGE ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif
DISCLAIMER ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif
COPY-RITES ..................................... Ann O'Nymous
INTRODUCTION ............... Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
DEDICATION ................................ The Prettiest One
TABLE OF CONTENTS ............................... THE AUTHORS
PREFACES
PREFACE I ........................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
PREFACE II .......................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
PREFACE III ................ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
PREFACE IV .......................... Counciltwit Confuse-Ius
PREFACE V .................. Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
PREFACE VI ..................................... Ann O'Nymous
PREFACE VII ........................ Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid
PREFACE VIII ........................ High Preest Floyd Gecko
PREFACE IX ...................... ConfusionBLATTT Confuse-Ius
PREFACE IX .................................... Ann O'Nymous
PREFACE X ...................... Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious
THE BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES
BOOK OF HALFY .................................. Ann O'Nymous
BOOK OF FLOYD ................... I Yemen-Oying I Yemen-Oying
BOOK OF HELLHOUND .................. Monjunior Little Bug Man
BOOK OF TERAFNORD ........... Inner CirclBLATTT Leper Messiah
BOOK OF THE LEPER ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
BOOK OF LITTLE ...................................... Wom Bat
BOOK OF WOMBAT .......................... Reverend Canoe-Head
BOOK OF LLOYD ............................. Prophet TeraFNORD
BOOK OF CID ................ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
BOOK OF ABACAB ............................ Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF CANOE-HEAD ................. Outer CirclBLATTT Abacab
BOOK OF ANN .......................... Grate Prophet Half-Mad
BOOK OF YEMEN ...................... Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid
PLUS ONE BONUS UNLBLATTTED BOOK!
By Confuse-Ius
BOOKS OF RITUALS
MAJOR RITUALS 00001-00011 ........... High Preest Floyd Gecko
MINOR RITUALS 00001-00004 ........... High Preest Floyd Gecko
BOOK OF THE CEREMONIES
MARRIAGE CEREMONY ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
INITIATION CEREMONY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
PROMOTION CEREMONIES ................ High Preest Floyd Gecko
EXORCBLATT CEREMONY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
BAPTBLATT CEREMONY .................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
SNOWBLOWER CEREMONY ....................... Preest Lloyd Taco
ENLIGHTENMENT MANTRAS ..................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF THE REALLY SECRET SECRETS
ALL SECRET BOOKS .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
ADDENDUM ........................... Penguin Poobah Peng-Peng
NOTE ON SECRETS ..................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
POTATOMA OF SYNERGY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko
CYBORGANIC CHURCH ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
MULTIVERSE SEQUEL ..................... Lo Proost Confuse-Ius
BOOK OF HBLATTTORY
COMMENTARIES ON HBLATTTORY ................ Preest Lloyd Taco
PROPHECIES OF PENG-PENG ............ Penguin Poobah Peng-Peng
AFTERWORD ........................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
PROPHETS OF MOO .................... Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid
THE ENEMIES OF MOO ................ ConfusionBLATTT Miss Take
tHE mORONS ............................... Preest Fluid Geeko
THE REAL HISTORY OF MOO ............. High Preest Confuse-Ius
SECRET HBLATTTORY OF MOO ....................... Ann O'Nymous
BOOKS OF HONEST TRUTH
BOOK OF HONEST TRUTH ...................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF LIES .............................. Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF AMBIGUITY ......................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF NUMBERS ........................... Preest Lloyd Taco
BOOK OF MYTHS
WOMBAT ORIGIN ISSUE ................................. Wom Bat
WOMBAT MYTHS ........................ High Preest Floyd Gecko
SNOWBLOWER MYTHS .............................. I Yemen-Oying
WOMBATELLITE MYTH .................... Low Preest Goyd Flecko
CONVOLUTED MYTHS .......................... Preest Lloyd Taco
CYBERMYTHS ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif
PIZZA MYTHS ........................... Unheretic Gettah Leif
TELEVISION MYTHS .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
BOOK OF MISCELLANY
"WORDS" ........................................ Ann O'Nymous
"CONTRACT" .................................. Not Confuse-Ius
"NOSLIW NOTNA TREBOR" ............... High Preest Floyd Gecko
"PARANOIA PAYS" ................ Confuse-Ius And Ann O'Nymous
"RANDOM GIBBERISH" .............................. Confuse-Ius
"HAPPY" ................................... Preest Lloyd Taco
APPENDICITISES
APPENDICITIS I ............. Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
APPENDICITIS II ............ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
APPENDICITIS III ........... Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
APPENDICITIS IV ..................... Saint Fourth Class Yari
APPENDICITIS V ......................... Prophets and Preests
APPENDICITIS VI ........................Preest Jeffrey Morton
APPENDICITIS VII .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
APPENDICITIS VIII.......................... Preest Lloyd Taco
APPENDICITIS IX .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko
APPENDICITIS IX ................................ THE AUTHORS
APPENDICITIS X .......................... The Apostles Of MOO
Plus meaningless Confuse-Ing Inter-Raptures
Flip to a random spot to find a meaningless quote that you can read
Starry Wisdom into to shed light on your dark life. Truly. For
the TRUE meaning of this Book, Read Between The Lines.
WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS DOCUMENT AS TOILET TISSUE!!!
=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U
MOO
OMM
PREFACE I
as written by
Floyd Gecko the stoopid
Syntax and general guidelines for MOO:
00001) MOOism and MOOist are the only "ism" and "ist". This is
because all the main problems of the world are blamed on
"isms": the communBLATTTs blame them on the capitalBLATTTs,
and vice versa. The anarchBLATTTs blame it on the
fascBLATTTs, everyone hates consumerBLATT, and sadBLATT is
thought to be a horrible thing. So, all others besides MOOism
and MOOist are replaced by "BLATT" for "ism" and "BLATTT" for
"ist". Half-Mad says to only do this to the ones where ISM
and IST actually MEAN what it seems to, but you can have fun
and do it elsewhere as well... Or even where there's no ISM
or IST. Not like we could stop you.
00002) MOO is always in caps. This is because I say so, and I'm
the High Preest.
00003) Typical spellings are with 2 "O"s and no "!", with one "!",
with 3 "O"s and 2 "!"s and so forth. Other variants, such as
the "as many O's as you can write before you get tired of it"
variant may also be used.
00004) When you flip the identity of its letters...
MOO
OMM
(This is a typical MOOist logoff on BBS's)
5) Always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS (Well, sometimes), use the 5-digit
document numbering system.
The MOOist symbol, named the Halfy after Halfy, our Grate
Prophet, is a V with a mark inside. Often MOO can be spelled out
with little letters. I like to do this with O's for the "M" and
M's for the "O"...
The words "BOOK" and "ANNOYING MIND DRUG" can be used
interchangeably.
If any outsiders ask "WHAT IS MOOISM?", the following
explanation must be given in order to (a) confuse the shit out of
them, (b) protect our real secrets, and (c) satisfy the Law Of
Bullshhim.
"The big doctrine of MOO is that we live in Hell already.
When you die, you get to go to Earth if you're good, or get
reincarnated as a bagel if you're bad. In order to obtain
Salvation and actually get to get sent to Heaven, you must send all
your money and ten cups of coffee, WITHOUT SPILLING, through the
mail by Parcel Post, to "BOB", care of the SubGenius Foundation,
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas Texas, 75214. Unfortunately, there is this
Undead Wombat Horde whose sole job, under the direction of an Evil
Computer called WOMBAT, which uses an evil base-23 psychic system
to control the world through the Alien Mind Beams, is to tip over
and generally abuse all parcels that go through the mail in order
to keep us from obtaining genuine salvation. They also steal
single socks from dryers, plant extra coathangers in closets, and
cause as much confusion and mayhem as possible. Only through
communing with the Grate MOO through the Grate Prophet Half-Mad is
it possible to remove the influence of these Wombats from your
life."
As all MOOists know, this is actually a bunch of Bullshher,
thrown in to satisfy the Law of Bullshthem. Honest. WOMBAT works
FOR us. Really. No, I mean it. Honest. It's true.
Note: ]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U#^T PREFACE II
as written by the
High Preest Of MOO,
Floyd Gecko the deranged
Whassa MOOism?
MOOism is an international Church of Lies, partially not
devoted to non-promotion of the Law of Bullshit.
MOOists support: happiness, freedom, equality, cannibalBLATT,
free sex, anarchy, environmentalBLATT, bureaucracy, socialBLATT,
anarchy, free sex, free sex, and more free sex, a bit more anarchy,
flour, eggs, baking soda, water, and milk.
Mix thoroughly all dry ingredients, stirring rapidly. Throw
in some pyromania, paranoia, general insanity and a bit more free
sex just to be on the safe side. Add liquid ingredients and beat
for a while.
Now add some bestiality, necrophilia, and sadBLATT... or am I
just flogging a dead horse here?
And remember AleBLATTTer Crowley's favourite saying:
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law"
And the stoopid SubGenius Takeoff:
"Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the loophole
in the law"
That is, ya get ta do whatever you like. This means EVERYONE.
Including you.
Actually, that's a lie. It's just that there's always these
taboo things, even if they're so well enforced that you don't know
they're there. So the only thing we stand for is getting rid of
them (HONEST!) even if they're not even fully formed yet, like in
them counter-culture things against yer basic smart-ass, yer basic
televangelBLATTT, and stuff like that there.
Oh, you wanted it in DEEP terms? Okay, I'll give the
"condensed" version of my various "DEEP" explanations I give to
people who aren't sufficiently silly (enlightened) to understand
the REAL one... All people who don't need this in your life at
this time, you can ignore it, or you can fuck off.
Religious Explanation:
MOOism is the worship of "The Grate MOO", which is a composite of
ALL religious Gods and Goddesses, taking the metaphorical form of
a great Mother Goddess... Just as, in HinduBLATT, for example,
there are many lesser gods and so forth, all combined into Brahma,
the Grate MOO does this across sectarian borders. [deeeeeeep]
Mathematical Explanation:
The Grate MOO is the most literal possible representation of
Cantor's Absolute Infinite. When Cantor discovered that there are
infinitely many LEVELS of infinity (the number of levels is the
same as the value of the highest level), he presaged the Grate MOO.
The Grate MOO is, by definition, incomprehensible, because of the
Reflection Principle, which states that any description about the
Absolute Infinite also applies to some smaller level of infinity.
The Grate MOO is the set of all things which exBLATTT, might
exBLATTT, could theoretically be imagined, or aren't even possible.
[deeeeeeeeeeeep]
Psychological Explanation:
MOOism is the attempt to expand the human mind by allowing
participants to dissolve their own reflex-arcs and habitual modes
of thought by using silliness (a well known catalyst for nonlinear
breakdown modes) and a variation of non-morality and a zenlike
satori experience through Godel-like mental tricks and paradoxes,
which is reccomended for all participants.
[deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]
The ArtBLATTTic Explanation:
MOOism is the first religion to recongnize OFFICIALLY the potential
of religion as a GNU art form. In the past, single works of art
might have been treasured and held in devotion. Now, with the
explosion of Pop Art (art on soft-drink cans), art is everywhere,
from billboards by roadsides to the elite galleries of Europe.
Religions were once created painstakingly, and held separately,
apart from the rest. MOO is one of the opening waves of Pop
Religion. Pretty soon, the Revealed Word Of God will show up on
your bottle of Coke...
The Memetic Explanation:
MOOism is the attempt to acheive more rapid human evolution by
preserving as many memetic portions of human society as possible.
It includes all memes which exBLATTT at any one time, as well as
creating memes which don't. Because of this, it includes ALL
COWhuman thought within it as preservation, and comprehension of
the whole by any one human is therefore impossible.
The reason they all seem so different is because of the
Reflection Principle. Any of those descriptions could equally well
apply to any other similar religion as well, because MOO is
transcendental, including ALL human thought.
Of course, the REAL explanation is much more fun, being
extremely silly. PREFACE III
as written by
the Elite High Councilors
of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus
And The High Preest
There are several subdivisions of MOOism. The
First is the religion itself:
A) The many-leveled being of MOO has been
explored in a multitude of ways, and some would
seem to indicate that not all the tiers of MOO
are equal, and are in fact dBLATTTinguished by
name, rank and membership requirements. Here are the titles, in no
particular order. Or maybe some order, but not a very significant
one. Well, something like that.
00001. Omnimalevolent Polly's Father and Grated Leader Of MOO
Title: Grate Prophet of MOO, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): One Half (1/2) (0.5)
Current Title Holder: Half-Mad
Tenure: Infinite. Plus 4 years
Membership Requirements: Unknown
Job: Classified
0001. The Wholly Air-Traffic Controller of Potatoma
Title: The High Preest of MOO, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): One and a bit (1+bit)
Current Title Holder: Floyd Gecko (and a bit)
Tenure: Until eaten by a Cow, or death
Membership Requirements: Write much of the Book of MOO, Be
stupendously silly, and be willing to be eaten by a Cow
when the Cow so decides.
Job: To justify MOO fests, to write about Mints and Wombats,
to call for MOO guidance in times of need.
0001. The Elite Upper Council of MOO
Title: Cardinal Richelieu, Mud, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever the others say (3)
Current Title Holders: Hellhound 101
Tenure: Life
Membership Requirements: Be sexually active, open minded, wise
and knowledgeable about the items of MOO and the many
Heresies. Members must be voted in by the current Title
Holders and nobody else.
Job: To attempt to cancel MOOfests, to hunt down and capture
the heretic unMOO cultBLATTTs to be either destroyed by
MOO vengeance or to be turned over to the MOOists for
re-programming or to be eaten by the Grate Prophet and
the Dinner Circle members.
00002. Prophet of MOO
Title: Prophet, Little Prophet, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever The Grate Prophet sez.
Current Title Holders: Necromancer TeraFNORD
Tenure: Life, or until removed by Grate Prophet
Membership Requirements: To be accepted by The Grate Prophet,
to make prophecies about things surreal.
Job: To attend MOO-Fests, to do silly things in silly places,
to think of neat ways science can be used for personal
entertainment.
00003. Saint First Class
Title: Saint First Class, Wow A Saint
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Current Title Holders: (TOP SECRET)
Tenure: More or less infinite
Membership Requirements: (TOP SECRET)
Job: (TOP SECRET)
00004. Nobody
There is no 4th rank.
Title: None
Number of Title Holders (max): none
Examples: None
Tenure: None
Membership Requirements: None
Job: None
0004. Saint Second Class
Title: Saint Second Class, Saint Bernard
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Spaxter, Yossarian, HAL 9000, Simon MOON, Floyd
Gecko, Harry Gerber, Trurl & Klapaucius
Tenure: as near to infinite as makes no odds
Membership Requirements: To be a fictional character of
interest.
00005. Saint Third Class
Title: Saint Third Class, Saint Patrick's Day
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: All Monty Python characters, Arthur Dent
Tenure: infinite or until they get really boring
Membership Requirements: To be a silly fictional character
0005. Saint Fourth Class
Title: Saint Fourth Class, Jolly Saint Nick
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Yari, John Lennon, St. John The Divine, Richard
Feynman, Pythagoras, Moimos Eursti, Ferenc Puskas, R.
Buckminster Fuller, Alan Turing, Jon von Neumann,
Siddartha Gautama, John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Tenure: until they come back to life
Membership Requirements: be dead, or doing a REASONABLE
facsimile thereof after making a great contribution to
MOOism.
0005. Saint Fifth Class
Title: Saint Fifth Class, Day-Saint
Number Of Title Holders (max): 1729
Examples: Go-Go the Do-Do, Arthur Dent, Dalai Dan, St. John
The Divine, Rudy Rucker, Eric the Half A Bee, Brian
O'Blivious, Daffy Duck
Tenure: Until no longer useful/valid/licenced, but only
during the day, just because I feel like it.
Membership Requirements: Act EXTREMELY surreal, or just sort
of generally wierd, or act constantly as if hit on the
head by 5 cartoon anvils, or otherwise be confused. Can
be real OR fictional, as required.
005.6. Bishopesse Of MOO
Title: Bishoppesse/Bishop, One Of The Silly Pointy Hat
Number Of Title Holders (joe): 6.3
Examples: MuPPeT (Muppet) (Mup Pet)
Tenure: Until the kitchen sinks
Membership Reqiurements: Get chosen
Job: To complain about Bishops, and act exceedingly cute when
asked. Or don't.
00006. Bishop Of MOO
Title: Bishop/Bishoppesse, Diagonal One, Apostle of MOOism
Number Of Title Holders (max): 11
Tenure: Until Hell Freezes Over
Membership Requirements: Say "I'm A Bishop Now" in the
presence of one of the top five members of MOO without
getting thwacked.
Job: To adminBLATTTrate, to lead, to Preech, and to generally
tell everyone else what to do. To do what you like.
00007. Knight Of MOO
Title: Knight Of The Trapezoidal Table, Llama, Apostle of
MOOism
Number Of Title Holders (max): 23
Tenure: A Long Time, In A Galaxy Far Away
Membership Requirements: Be unable to turn yourself and
others into frogs, but have obvious talent for something
unspecified. Be accepted by higher levels.
Job: Plant plastic cacti in public places, leave
unintelligible messages on BBSes, tell everyone you know
about MOOism. Violently convert random people to Fateor.
00008. Rook Of MOO
Title: Rookie Of The Year, Straight One, Apostle of MOOism.
Number Of Title Holders (max): 83... or maybe 93
Tenure: 23 years, renewable
Membership Requirements: Go through trial period of 23 days
of observation, act surreal, spread the Word.
Job: Continue to Spread The Word. Eat Peanut-Butter and
Banana Sandwiches.
0008. Monjuniorhood Of MOO
Title: Monjunior Of The Church Of MOO, Apostle Of MOOism.
Number Of Title Holders (fred): 93... or maybe 83
Tenure: Ten ures, renewable.
Membership Requirements: Things which are required to become
a member.
Job: What the members do.
00009. The Dinner Circle Of MOO
Title: Inner CirlBLATTT, Virgin, Phred, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): One Hundred And Four (104)
Tenure: four years, renewable
Membership Requirements: Be accepted by the upper levels of
MOO as an Inner CirclBLATTT after serving a term as an
Outer CirclBLATTT.
Job: To attend MOOfests, to set fires, to be silly and to
practise Free and Safe Sex. May act as Preest if it's
important. Or if it isn't, for that matter.
00010. Preest of MOO
Title: Preest of MOOism, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): As many as are needed, keeping
at least one (one) (1) (I) (0.5 + 0.5) per sect of
MOOism.
Tenure: Life, or until quit or removed by the High Preest.
Membership Requirements: To try to be as silly as the High
Preest, to write some stuff for something about very
little.
Job: To find GNU literary and audio/video sources for MOOist
enjoyment, continue to Preech.
00011. The Doubter Circle Of MOO
Title: Outer CircleBLATTT of MOO, Weenie, Goober, SnotBall,
Apostle of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): Eighteen Hundred (1800)
Tenure: one day, renewed automatically until excommunicated or
raised to the level of a Virgin.
Membership requirements: Submit Application, endure ritual.
Job: To attend MOOfests, to impress the higher odours of MOO.
To spread the word (and treacle) of MOO.
QUACK!
0011. Pasteur
Title: Hon. Pasteur, Pasteur, Moloko, The Beast
Number Of Title Holders (max): 666.666
Tenure: Until sourness occurdles
Membership Requirements: Be pure, disease-free, opaque, and
generally uncontaminated.
Job: To ensure the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual
health of all Offical Animals in the vicinity.
00012. Honourable Reverend
Title: Hon. Reverend, Reverend
Number or Title Holders (max): Anyone approved by a higher
level.
Tenure: As long as they appear to give the correct impression.
Membership requirements: Hmm, doesn't take much really.
Job: Do odd things with sheep. Be social. Save large groups
of people from painfully horrid deaths when needed.
00013. Councillor Of MOO
Title: Counciltwit, Some Council Thing Or Other
Number of Title Holders (max): Zillions
Tenure: Determined by the Councils
Membership Requirements: Determined by the Councils
Job: Attempt to protect the Church Of MOO from the
CapriCancer threat.
00014. CapriCancer
Title: Some Loser Guy, Cancerous Growth
Number Of Title Holders (max): A whole bunch
Tenure: Until tenure expires
Membership Requirements: Head a worldwide conspiracy.
Job: Attempt to destroy that horrible and blasphemous MOO
thing. Kill Floyd Gecko. Be utterly despicable.
00015. Acolyte
Title: Scum, Hey You, Silly Twit
Number of Title Holders (max): Infinite. Plus one.
Tenure: As long as the Apostles of MOOism feel like.
Membership Requirements: Submit application, endure tiny
ritual
Job: Do whatever the Inner CirclBLATTTs and above want you
to. Be a gopher to the higher orders.
00016. Fateor
Title: Lazy Twit
Number of Title Holders: Very difficult to estimate.
Tenure: As long as they like.
Membership Requirements: In some way, to actively recignize
MOOism. No application required.
Job: Actively recignize MOOism in any way you choose.
00017. Agnoscere
Title: Idiot, Twit
Number of Title Holders: A lot
Tenure: Life, or until moved to a higher ranking.
Membership Requirements: To have, at some point, recognized
or known that MOOism exBLATTTs. No application required.
Job: To have, at some point, recignized the exBLATTTance of
MOOism, but have not filled out any application, are not
a saint, and do not actively recignize MOOism.
00018. Snacky
Title: Snackie, Unsuspecting Freak
Number Of Title Holders: Dang near 6 Billion
Tenure: Until They're Not A Snacky Anymore
Membership Requirements: To be Un-MOO, Anti-MOO, or to have
no connection with MOO whatsoever.
Job: To be eaten and otherwise destroyed by the Cow and
MOOists in the form of War, Crime, AIDS, and Cheese Whiz.
00019. Evil One
Title: That Evil Guy, Evil Person, Bung
Number of Title Holders (MAX): Twelve
Current Title Holders: Brian Mulroney, Vincent Emond, "BOB"
Tenure: Until no longer evil, or people forget who you are.
Membership Requirements: To be extremely evil. Or at least
a bit evil. At any rate, to be something vaguely
resembling evil for a little while, or maybe not be very
nice to someone at some point or other. Maybe.
Job: To continue to be a bit evil until tenure elapses, or
are eaten by the Great MOO.
00020. Perrennial Heretic
Title: Legend In His Own Mind, I Yemen Oying
Number of Title Holders (max): FIVE
Current Title Holders: I Yemen-Oying, E.D. Brebis
Tenure: Until conversion or onset of senility
Membership Requirements: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist,
but participate in most Fests and Rituals anyways.
Non-application required.
Job: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist, participate in Nomic
ritual, Fests, burning, QUACKBLATT, ConfusionBLATT,
Muk-Funna MOO ritual, and all minor rituals. Protest
violently against being made a category of MOOism.
00021. Everybody Else
Title: Nobody, Worthless Loser, Some Dimwit
Number Of Title Holders: Infinity minus one
Current Title Holders: Almost Everyone.
Tenure: Until finding out about MOOism, or in any way fitting
into one or more of the previous titles.
Membership Requirements: To have never even heard of MOOism.
Job: None.
00022. Other
Title: Other, Nobody Special, Lord High Chancellor
Number Of Title Holders: Don't ask ME
Current Title Holders: Ann O'Nymous, Half-Mad, Bishoppesse
MuPPeT
Tenure: Unclear At This Time
Membership Requirements: To fail to fall into any of the
other categories, or to not even exBLATTT.
Job: Complete the necessary 23rd membership rank.
00023. UberSagan
Title: Billions and Billions
Number of Title Holders: Vast
Tenure: Until shrinkage (Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`-@)
Membership Requirements: To be a very large number
Job: To denumerate things
_
0000Q. Nun Of The Above
Title: Nun Of The Above, High Priestess, Someone
Number Of Title Holders (max): nN
Tenure: No
Examples: High Priestess Indoctrinate-Me
Membership Requirements: To exBLATTT entirely outside the
MOOish ranking system.
Job: To confuse the hell out of people.
B) Another subdivision of MOOism is QUACKBLATT. See
the book of QUACK for information on the QUACKBLATTTs.
The Great QUACK is the rebel son of the Great MOO. His
brother is BOB, and his sBLATTTers are Eris and Aneris.
Fortunately, the QUACKBLATTTs have recently converted
to this. Previously they were MOOists who wouldn't
admit it, which is the worst kind. Now they are
MOOists who DO admit it, which is the... well... the
other kind.
C) The Church Of The Sub-Genius
All MOOists must at least contemplate joining this
Church. There is no problem with belonging to both, at
least according to MOO. What they think about it may be
a different matter.
The central pillar of their belief is that there is
a semi-mystical entity known as "BOB", who will appear
in the X-BLATTT Flying Saucers in 1998 and take all
members of the Church away, and transform them into
OverWomen and Ubermen. Honest.
"BOB" is known to be responsible for the rash of strange or
mystical "BOB"s in the media, such as the "BOB" of the Doritos
commercials, and the "BOB" in Twin Peaks. According to the Church
of the Sub-Genius, these events will become more and more common as
the time of "BOB"'s arrival approaches. For this reason, all
MOOists in this subsect, and those outside who want to get in the
"good books" must actively attempt to create more of these mystical
"BOB"s in the world. If you are able, put ads in the paper with
mysterious overtones about "BOB". If you are a columnBLATTT, say
something odd about him. Basically, do that kind of thing. The
wider the audience the better.
"BOB" is to be held as a secondary deity of MOOism, a son of
the Great MOO. His sBLATTTers are Eris and Aneris, his brother is
QUACK, who is NOT a deity.
Excerpts from the Annoying Mind Drug of The SubGenius would
have been included in an appendix, but weren't.
D) DiscordianBLATT
For the full story, consult the Principia Discordia, which may,
upon much pleading, be borrowed from Hellhound 101 if he's in a
good MOOd, or Floyd Gecko, if he's not. Or bought at a store, if
you feel like being CONVENTIONAL.
Basically, Eris (or Discordia, as she is known
to some) is the Goddess of Chaos. She may be
contacted through your Pineal Gland. She represents
the forces of disorder, chaos, and confusion. Since
this is one of the main purposes of MOOism, members
are advised to join this subsection of MOOism. The
only thing wrong with the story as given in the
Principia Discordia is that it fails to understand
the gospel of Yari.
Here, then, are some revisions:
After the Great Explosion which created the Earth and the
Heavens and the Universe out of the Primordial Tundra in which
flourished the Primordial Penguins, there was also created by the
Great MOO two sBLATTTers from the little bit called Void. These
sBLATTTers were Eris and Aneris. They had THREE brothers, two
of which were oddly not mentioned in Principia, known as "BOB", and
QUACK. The third was mentioned, but didn't have a name.
Eris did not, as has been suggested, create the world, but she
took it to play with it, which was actually what got Aneris upset.
In 1998, "BOB" will take it back from them, and make it a better
place for all of us, but some time after that, QUACK will throw it
on the Tundra (or what is left of the Tundra) and break it. The
great MOO will then have to get a GNU one for her children to play
with. For more information, consult the Principia Discordia. It
should be available somewhere or other.
E) The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin
In the gospel according to Saint Yari, it is revealed that
before the creation of the world there exBLATTTed great penguins.
It is not known where these penguins came from, but those who ask
such questions are surely heretics, as we all know they were made
by the Great MOO, who made herself retroactively, while playing the
Game Of Nomic.
What is not commonly known is that one of these Penguins, a
young fellow whose name may not be spoken, also played the Game Of
Nomic with the Great MOO in the days before Time began. This
Penguin, who was deemed worthy of survival over all other Penguins,
was rescued by the Great MOO (though the heretic followers of a
splinter of this subdivision of MOOism actually go so far as to
suggest that he saved himself from the explosion, and even dare to
suggest that the Great MOO COW was HIS creation, not her own).
When he came into being after the explosion, he found a bit
left over that was very like our World, and filled it with Penguins
created in His image. These penguins, like him, were very smart,
and some escaped out onto the remnants of the Tundra. Some of them
fell from grace, and became mere penguins, but one was a very smart
Penguin named Jehovah, or Yaweh, as some knew him, and he entered
our Earth with his brothers and sBLATTTers, and then pretended to
be God.
The Primordian Penguin, Father Of All Penguins, is another
deity of MOO, but he is not of the family of the Great MOO.
F) ConfusionBLATT.
ConfusionBLATTTs are dedicated to confusing everyone. As part
of this supreme effort, every member of the religion has the Holy
Name of Confuse-ius.
Although the general event is free-form confusing,
participants may also enter the sprint-confuse, in which they pack
as many non-sequiteurs and confusing statements as possible into a
single minute or paragraph of writing. In addition, the Marathon
Confuse is open to all members, in which event they spend their
entire life being generally confusing. However, Free-Form
confusing is by far the most common, in which everyone does
whatever they generally feel like doing, using the name
Confuse-ius.
There are deep philosophical reasons they do this, but they
really are terribly confusing, and nobody could talk to one long
enough to figure out just exactly what they are, except that they
think that it makes the world a better place. Or maybe not.
They seemed rather confused on the issue.
G) (TOP SECRET)
This section has been censored by someone who didn't want
anyone to read it. Also, it's contents contained references to
such things as (CENSORED), (CENSORED), and (CENSORED), and is
therefore considered dangerous and highly subversive. If you would
like a copy of the contents of this section, don't bother calling:
Security Intelligence Review Committe -- 1-613-990-8441
because they won't send it to you.
Operators are NOT standing by to take your call, so don't even
bother trying. It's really not worth it.
H) tHE cHURCH oF mORON
These most blasphemous heretics invented their own little
brand of MOO by the simple expedient of writing a whole bunch more
annoying mind drugs for the Book what they wouldn't give us.
Technically, they worship the Penguins, and particularly Jesus
ChrBLATTT. We're not sure just WHY this is, because they won't let
us read their annoying mind drugs.
The full name is tHE cHURCH oF mORON, jESUS cHRblattt O'
fLATTER dAY-sAINTS, because they wrote the annoying mind drugs
while extremely stoned, and they like the Day-Saints, and
apparently the acid conversation drifted to Go-Go the Do-Do (one of
the Day-Saints), and anvils. Thus the "flatter" bit. Apparently
part of their job is to go around, find anyone who acts surreal,
and drop an anvil on them.
More Churches and the like may be found in the Cult Of The
Month selection of the MOO newsletter MOO-JUICE, when it appears.
Updates follow as GNU Cults are discovered. PREFACE IV
As Written By
Counciltwit Confuse-Ius
1. What Are The Councils?
The Councils of MOO ("Counci. of MOO" for short) are a loosely
connected group of spam fnord organizations whose purpose, set down
many millennia ago in ancient Atlantis by our founder Confuse-Ius,
is to guard the Church of MOO ("Churc. of MOO" for short) against
the vicious threat of the CapriCancers ("viciou. threat of the
CapriCancers" for short). Our secondary purpose is to keep the
Churc. of MOO alive at any cost, and to maintain the proper degree
of fanaticBLATT, so as to resBLATTT any future viciou. threats that
might arise.
Spam: What are the CapriCancers?
Spam.
2. What are the CapriCancers REALLY?
Spam.
3. No, I mean it, WHAT THE HELL ARE THE CAPRICANCERS, YOU SPAM?
The CapriCancers are a group of Devianti AstrologBLATTTs, who
all claim to have been born under the signs Capricorn and Cancer,
simultaneously. This is an article of faith among them, since they
were all actually born under Saggitarius.
Their leader, Capricious Cancerous, is an immortal space alien
artifact from the planet Zorn in the galaxy of Andromeda. It
crashed in the XBLATTT flying saucer which delivered the sentient
supercomputer WOMBAT to Earth. It is not known how a Zorn was able
to sneak aboard an XBLATTT saucer, but it is suspected that it was
able to cloak the bioscanners by using its lifelike appearance
(sculpted from chiseled spam) to fool WOMBAT. If true, this makes
Capricious Cancerous the only known living being to ever fool this
powerful computer.
This has led to the suspicion that WOMBAT actually works for
the CapriCancers, which has yet to be confirmed or disproved.
The CapriCancer threat to the Churc. of MOO lies in the fact
that Capricious Cancerous is now known to have been an infiltrator
in the ancient Atlantean sect of MOOism founded by Grate Prophet
Peng-Peng, and was, in fact, one of those who helped uncover the
WOMBAT computer from its hiding place in the Gobi Desert. It is
suspected that Capricious Cancerous is, in fact, The Miraculous
One, of the original Church Of MOO, and, therefore, J.R. "BOB"
Dobbs. But this is only speculation.
The reasons behind the CapriCancer Conspiracy are unclear,
however. The Conspiracy ("The Con" for short) is an anti-MOO
organization, denounced by "BOB" Dobbs in what is now believed, by
serious MOOish scholars, to be one of the greatest bluffs of all
hBLATTTory, since "BOB" is now presumed to be behind The Con almost
entirely. Whatever the motives of this conglomeration of Space
Bankers, Vampire Potatos, Illuminati Groups, and Coathanger Repair
Conpanies which control all businesses, governments, and 90% of the
human minds in the world, they are out to get every MOOist they can
lay their hands on.
And like it or not, if you're reading this, you're a Fateor of
MOO, and they're after YOU.
4. No, really, what ARE the CapriCancers?
Spam.
5. Why are the Councils so Fanatical?
Well, look at it this way.
Two kids are arguing over a cake. "BOB" wants all of it, and
Floyd wants to share it equally between the two of them. They
whine and bitch about it for a while, until finally an adult called
Fred wanders up, and says "Why don't you compromise? "BOB" gets
three quarters, and Floyd gets one quarter."
Well, it's a compromise between what they SAY they want...
But it doesn't really satisfy which is more FAIR.
IT ISN'T FAIR! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!
DAAAAAD! "BOB" GOT MORE CAKE THAN I DID! HE GOT A BIGGER
PEICE! DAAAAAAAAAAD! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!
Urm. Ahem.
Sorry.
Anyway, the point is, if you want to get anything done in this
world of compromise, you have to be fanatical, and go to extremes
about everything, even if you don't believe in them.
Or, put it another way. Like, everyone keeps brainwashing you
(especially those CapriCancers, with their WOMBAT brain-control
satelites and FLUORIDATION of DRINKING WATER, and those Commies,
and the Nazis on the far side of the moon, and... and...), so if
you act fanatical and brainwash yourself, even if it's into the
things they're trying to convince you of, it'll all sort of balance
out, AS LONG AS you do it for EVERYTHING you believe. Go
overboard.
That the Council's way of Doing Things.
The Tao of Bitching.
6. What Councils Are There?
There are five main councils, and umpty-ump zillion little
councils. The five main councils you really ought to look into
joining if you want to protect yourself from those vicious
CapriCancers are these.
A) Council Of MOOist Intelligence
This council has been seditiously attacked by Caprious
Cancerous himself as a contradiction in terms. But it isn't.
Honest.
Spam spam spam. FNORD!
The purpose of the Council of MOOist Intelligence is twofold:
to increase the average intelligence of MOOists, and to gather
information on the activities of CapriCancer forces throughout the
world.
This council is headed by Confuse-Ius (not ME, HIM), and its
members wish to remain anonymous. The names of the ringleaders,
changed here to protect the innocent (and the guilty) are Ann
O'Nymous, Anno Nymous, A. Nonymous, and Ann O'Nymity. There are a
maximum of 666 members of the Council of MOOist Intelligence at any
one time.
B) The Council of MOOist Mind Control
Since the forces of CapriCancer have their own orbiting Mind
Control Satelites, the Lurch of BOO has decided to set up its own
council for the purpose of brainwashing BACH everyone it can.
In fact, it has been speculated that the SubGenius/Conspiracy
orbiting WOMBAT satelites have so corrupted the minds of EVEN THE
SMIRCH OF GLUE ITSELF that not only does it perform that evil and
heretical act of making fun of itself, but it ACTUALLY allows the
WOMBAT supercompter INSIDE its own archives, brainwashed by
constant mind control satelites into believing that the WOMBAT
supercomputer is a MOOist, and not an XBLATTT.
Which is silly.
The chairbeing of this council is the Late Great Brian
O'Blivious Esq. The ringleaders are made of chiseled spam, and
stick cucumbers up their noses on thursdays, because such is the
divinely revealed word of the saviour O'Blivious. There are
indefinite spaces for positions on this council for anyone willing
to be subjected to a little brainwashing, using the advanced GNU
MOOish brainwashing machine known as VOMBAT, which was discovered
by Brian O'Blivious in the Gobi Desert near a large rendition of
the Sacred Glyph of MOO.
C) The MOOist Military Council
This council is the military council of MOO.
Information was not forthcoming from councillor CENSORED, who
was most unhelpful. The propaganda information which follows below
was released with his kind permission, but it more or less
irrelevant to a real understanding of what's going on in this, the
most mysterious of the five primary councils of MOO.
Slogan: Have GNU will travel.
Purpose: Defeat the CapriCommies on their own ground.
Weapons: Powerful semiautobiographical machine-gnus.
Victories: Many.
Losses: Few.
Brainwashing: Just a rumour.
This information may, however, help to explain the mysterious
sightings in Arkasas and Siberia of large lumbering metallic
wildebeest-like animals murmuring platitudes about their
childhoods.
7. How Can I Join The Councils?
Send a Stamped Self Addressed Envelope addressed to the
Councils of MOO, along with $10 membership dues, to:
The Councils Of MOO
c/o SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas Texas, 75214
or
The Councils Of MOO
c/o Church Of MOO
P.O. Box 26038
72 Robertson Rd.
Nepean, ON, Canada
K2H-9Y8 PREFACE V
as written by
the Elite High Councilors
of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus
The 14 Commandments
These are the Commandments of MOO as drawn from the many Books of
MOO and here set down in a concise format. Prosecutors will be
violated, and vice versa.
00001. MOO!
00002. Thou shalt have fun
00003. Thou shall light fires
00004. Thou mayest partake of human flesh
00005. Thou shalt not post overly meaningful messages
00006. Thou shall respect, in thy own way, the teachings of
those more hip than thou
00007. Thou shalt not take writen documents at face value
00008. Thou may worship other, lesser gods and still value the
word of the Cow
00009. Thou shall burn
00010. Thou shalt not read aloud the full name of the Grate Prophet
00011. Thou shalt not abuse, snack upon, taunt or draw upon the
members of the Elite Upper Counsel of MOO
00012. Thou shall post in area 9, the Mint NES, or thou shall face
some great misfortune
00014. Thou shalt not eat the money of the High Preest of MOO
00015. Thou shalt ignore Commandment 15, for it doesn't exBLATTT.
00016. Thou shalt 'njqlf8`U#^TK-IlLP-@
PREFACE VI
As Written By
Ann O'Nymous
This is me the futurBLATTT now.
Westward urge of civilization. Domestication of farm animals
and primates. Floating free. Space cities. Japan-bashing?
Look, civilization started in China. That's where all this
stuff began, and everyone over there who was GNU and INNOVATIVE
built a great society with wonderful architecture, philosophy,
science (they discovered GUNPOWDER, didn't they?) and lots of neat
little wicker baskets. So what? So after a while the GNU and
innovative stuff got to be old hat. I mean, something that's GNU
now will be old in a hundred years. So the GNU and innovative
people were surrounded by old crap and people who liked the OLD
ways. So they wanted to leave. There was an ocean to the east,
and and ocean to the south, and frozen wasteland to the north. So
they went west. On the whole, a wise move, since horses have
trouble swimming seas.
So then the same thing happened farther west. GNU innovators
poured in, brought GNU ideas, built a great civilization, and then
it became old, and the innovators died off. They couldn't go east,
cause that was even OLDER AND STUFFIER. There was still Sibera to
the North, and desert or ocean to the south. So they kept going
west. This happened EVERY generation, so the GNU ideas, the
advance of, well, advancement, went westwards, so that the east got
older and older, while staying EXACTLY THE SAME. Cause the world
changed.
Anyway, it eventually got to Europe from the middle-east and
then Greece and then Rome... And after Europe, it went to North
America. GNU York, then things like Chicago, then California
became the wonderful GNU Haven O' Science. In the '60s. But the
WAVE was going faster (on account of the first people went on
horses, and the GNU ones went on JUMBO JETS!) They kept going west
because, well, it was like a tradition. Which is strange, because
they were supposed to be innovators. But never mind that. Anyway.
After California, the Haven O' New-Guys moved to Japan. Which
is why all that Made In Japan stuff is now so great in the
135560's.
But there's old-fogeys and there's new-fogeys. Old-fogeys
don't like GNU stuff, and they're REAL territorial about it. Like,
major, dude. I'll get to that in a sec. So this is why the OLD
LOSERS go around JAPAN-BASHING. Not cause the Japanese are evil or
anything, but because they're AFRAID TO ADMIT THE JAPANESE ARE
BETTER NOW! Get real, people. It won't last forever. But Tim
Leary caught on in the Starseed Transmissions his brain sent to
itself (pretending to be an alien) in the '60s... It said the
Japanese were the most superior beings on the planet, and that we
were to leave the planet to rejoin the stars and stuff like that
there. Neat, huh? Well, he was right about both, only excepting
that the Japanese aren't like, INHERENTLY better. Just right now
they are. But that Westward Urge will end as they take us to
space. The Japanese have plans for permanent colonization of Mars,
dude... Pretty quick it'll be the EARTHIANS who are the old-
fogeys. So sign up for space cities now before your brains
calcify.
I mean, it's just classic primate stuff, right?
Look, when our ancestors domesticated farm animals from wild
animals, they discovered certain things... Domestication has
physical effects, like removing hair from the animals, shortening
horns, claws, teeth and other dangerous stuff like that, making the
cow's udder bigger... stuff like that. But it doesn't change the
behaviour. Like, pigs still root in the ground, EVEN IF IT'S
CONCRETE! Chickens still scratch, even if there's no dust to bathe
in (feather cleaning stuff, don't worry) and things like that...
Oh, they're tamer, calmer, less likely to bash your brains out or
bite at your throat, but the same patterns of behaviour are still
there. Same with people. Domesticated apes. Less hair, stand up
straight, smaller teeth and claws, larger breasts on women, things
like that. But still apes in behaviour. Territory. I mean, walk
across someone's front yard in the United States and see if they
don't yell at you.
One difference between us and apes in behaviour is that we're
tamer, don't fight so much on a person-to-person basis. No, that's
why we have tanks and bomber planes. Shit, knife-fights are
DANGEROUS, maaaan. The other big difference is that we have WORDS
and IDEAS on a big scale. Being domesticated gave us time to let
us handle those words that the apes can only sort of vaguely string
together. That and we have better vocal cords. So territory sort
of extended into those, too. Tell someone his religion is wrong,
BLAMMO, you get blown away. Scope out Salman Rushdie if you don't
believe me. He didn't even INSULT the Muslims. They just sort of
THOUGHT he did, so KNEE-JERK, they up and blew him away. Or tried
to. They would have, too, if he hadn't hidden. Smart guy.
But territoriality was an evolutionary response to the limited
space of our environment here on Earth. Like Death was (no, no,
not BIRTH CONTROL, DEATH... much more sensible, right?)... When
we move off Earth, that instinct may go away... No more
ideological wars, no more fighting over stupid dumbshit things.
TRUE SLACK. Check out an explanation later of the Circuits of the
Brain. Neat... Get an EXPLORER circuit in the first one, NO
FIGHTING on the second, the third should develop better too (actual
communication between DIFFERENT PEOPLE! WHAT A CONCEPT!) What
with all this changing of circuits, what will we end up with?
A society of friendly, peaceful, innovative, incredibly
brilliant, morally relaxed, spiritually advanced people who don't
have to do menial work (got robots for that) living with the nearly
infinite resources of the universe to support them.
Sound neat? Good. Sign up now to join the first L5 colonies
in Earth Orbit, or better yet, move to Japan, convince them you
like them (they're paranoid about Japan bashers who want to kill
them all: go figure) and try to get in on the Mars Colony. With
any luck, and life-extension drugs, you'll still be alive and
kicking when it opens up.
You'll find a few things, when you move off Earth. The people
there are a lot nicer, a lot more like you, a lot friendlier. But
you'll spot something more important. Of all those people who
originally went up into Zero-Gravity, EIGHTY PERCENT of them had
whatcha call SPIRITUAL REVELATIONS. Which is cool.
Zero Gravity opens up those extra four circuits, like Robert
Anton Wilson keeps going on and on about. But I won't say what
opens Floyd's Top Secret (Honest) Ninth Circuit. It sure ain't
transferring consciousness out of the universe and into the
Multiverse, THAT'S FER DAMN SURE. It's nothing to do with
spreading your consciousness to other universes and escaping.
Nope. Nothing.
Confuse-Ius Sez:
"One of the warning signs of the end of the world is fast and
efficient postal delivery, generally delivering, perfectly intact,
any package you might send, in less than 12 minutes."
-Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 17
But the best way to get this effect isn't with the
artificially-gravitized rotating space-cities of Gerard O'Niell.
Bah, HUMBUG! No, you need clear plastic BUBBLES floating in space
with air and water and stuff inside. So you can live in zero-
gravity without having to give up lakes and sky and clouds and
birds and things... All we need is a breakthrough in materials to
make 'em out of... Gotta be tough, resilient, electrically
conductive... Might wanna make a pooter out of it... Check out
Floyd's novella "Self Sufficient" for more details on the "Habitat"
idea... S'cool.
Anyway. The only problem is EM field resonance. (ACK! LONG
WORDS!)... THPTHPTHPTHPT! All it is is magnetic fields shuffling
back and forth... On Earth, where we evolved and we're used to,
the magnetic core and the magnetosphere resonate or vibrate at 7.83
cycles a second. And if your brain tunes to that or a multiple of
that (or a fraction), you start to resonate with it, and pick up
energy. That's what causes wierd effects on the Kirlian Photos of
meditating Gurus. That's what causes neat dreams (at half the
frequency, of course), that's what causes the rush of creativity on
certain kinds of drugs. So all you have to do is get the BUBBLE to
resonate at that, too... And the neat thing is, of course, you can
get it to be STRONGER, cause you have control. You don't have to
lose the "Earth Ties" to live in space. Earth Ties are just that
link you make every so often to that flux that's goin' down.
That's why we need to sleep. So we can dream. So we can make THAT
SPECIFIC KIND OF LINK. We evolved getting used to making it in
different forms all over, so we now need that to keep us smart and
clever domesticated primates.
But don't worry, in the bubble, EVERYONE will be a SUPERGENIUS
anyway, because of that third-circuit "clever" imprint. Plus which
the bubble can adapt to make the link with EACH PERSON ALL THE
TIME. It'd be like you're always high, you're always dreaming,
you're always meditating. YOU'RE ALWAYS LUCID.
Wicked idea, eh? No wonder the government is reluctant to go
to space. Imagine trying to lead a population of supergenius
dreaming dopers? Wow, maaan.
So sign up now. And don't forget to tell them where you read
this. That's ANN O'NYMOUS. A-N-N O-'-N-Y-M-O-U-S. In the
ANNOYING MIND DRUG OF MOO!
Okay. All right. Now then, what comes BEYOND that? Looking
to the BIG picture... What do we find?
Well, we've entered the area of MEME production. Memes are
the mental equivalent of genes: single units of thought, maybe an
idea, a tune, an image, whatever it happens to be. Meme evolution,
since it happens inside our brains, with simple little bits of
information, is much MUCH faster than gene evolution was back in
the primordial-soup days. There's so much more competition for
space. After all, in those days, there was lots of food and space
in the oceans, and the little DNA frags just multiplied and
multiplied, and sometimes divided, which was frequently the same
thing for them... But now, well, we only have so much space in our
heads, only so much attention we can pay to this bullshit.
So what's the deal? What's cooking, doc?
The creation of Usenet, Internet, Fidonet, and all the various
other computer nets around the world, along with MASSIVELY huge
Local Area Networks (LANs) with info-storage-space galore, all of
that combined together to make a fast-evolution forum for memes.
Someone throws out a package of memes, most of which will be
recycled, but combined in different combinations (that's sexual
reproduction, one thing that made genes evolve fast) for people to
look at and evaluate. That's Survival-Of-The-Fittest. Whatever is
the best adapted pack of memes (genome, in the gene-talk, or
memome, to coin a phrase, in meme-talk) will survive. All the
different areas are dedicated to evolving different kinds of meme-
packs in different subjects. Computers speed up meme evolution.
But memes mostly exBLATTT inside our heads, right? So what's
the logical step, if we want to increase the evolution of memes, as
all sensible neophiles would? We put our brains in the computers!
Well, there's lots of plans underway trying to figure out how
to do exactly that! There's stuff on copying neuron functions into
little computers made by nanomachines (teeny-weeny-speeny little
machines made of mechanical parts on the size of molecules) and
revving up brainspeed that way. Our rapidly expanding power of
computers (a factor of a thousand every twenty-three years or so)
means that by the 2030's, computers will have the power of a human
brain, and the nanotechnology being developed NOW will mean that by
the time that happens, we may be able to transplant the mind
DIRECTLY into the computers. And beyond that, as our computers get
faster and smarter, so do our minds, so we can design better
computers even faster, so it all accelerates. Our Artificial
Intelligence programs, when they get to be much smarter than we are
now, combined with nanotechnology manufacturers to make our GNU
brains faster than we can imagine today, we'll start being able to
REWRITE our own software, making ourselves smarter, better adapted.
We'll find that our semi-intelligent machine companions can
look after matters of our survivial much better than we ever could,
and as we get smarter and smarter, we'll be able to judge the
consequences of our huge projects more and more accurately, so
there will be much less of a problem with shortsighted lack of
planning causing environmental disasters. Even the eco-freaks
should agree with this vision of the future, or they don't
understand it.
Intelligence increase is all over, these days, with Smart
Bars, and Think Drinks, and Intelligence Increase Drugs popping up
all over, seemingly from out of the woodwork (or, more frequently,
laminated plasticwork). People pop pills, not just to get high,
but to make themselves SMARTER.
And that's just a hardware improvement... It makes more
neurotransmitters (the chemicals that your brain uses for
signalling between brain cells (neurons)), or increases the firing-
rate of the neurons, speeding up thought, or it makes your brain
able to use oxygen better, or provides nutrients, or any number of
similar things. Within 50 years, we'll be able to improve the
SOFTWARE of the brain, make ourselves Godlike Hyperintelligences,
like you always get in 3rd rate science fiction. But this time,
for real.
In the coming posthuman era, those technophobes that still
exBLATTT will just leave themselves behind as the rest of us
sensibly migrate off world, where our industry can't possibly fuck
up the environment. And once the first industry is up there, we
don't even have to use rockets that pollute the air! Just built
the huge brains with nanomachines up on the moon, and radio up our
personality program.
Vastly improved intelligence means much greater efficiency of
use of the resources. What Buckminster Fuller described as
"ephemeralization" will become a way of life. Using fewer and
fewer resources to do more and more things, just as we use a 5-
tonne communications satelite to do the job of hundreds of
thousands of tonnes of wires running to every home. The same will
happen in every facet of life.
Life itself will expand beyond our present ability to
comprehend. The advances currently being made in Virtual Reality,
teaching techniques, and brain development are showing the ability
to learn can be improved remarkably, especially once we discover
how the brain changes with GNU information, and are able to pump it
directly into the brain when needed. Each person will have instant
"memory" access to the collected knowledge of all humanity, all the
opinions of everyone else, a cross-cultural sharing ground that
defies our ability to comprehend.
Even Sex itself may vanish, as children may be created by
combining the parents' ideas and memes, along with their
preferences for the personality of the offspring. But don't
dispair of losing Sex. With an electronic personality, any sensory
inputs you want can be tailored, modified by other people, so you
can interact in any way you choose, without any risk of disease,
unwanted pregnancy, and all the problems that beset sex today.
Stop for a sec... Why, with all the advancement in
civilization, science, quality of life, are MORE AND MORE people
turning to various GNU religions? Because that's what "society"
is... People interacting together. With increase of quality of
life, they have more time and energy to devote to religion, rather
than survivial. So the consequence?
Just as computers are currently becoming the hot GNU medium,
just like books were once a hot GNU medium, MEME SYSTEMS will be
the hot GNU medium of the future. Crafting information structures
that resemble modern day belief-systems like RELIGIONS and
PHILOSOPHIES. Religion will be the art form of the future. Just
like books, paitings, sculptures, all used to be created lovingly,
one at a time, until they became accepted media, and spread
exponentially, so it is, has been, and will be with religion. Old
religions were crafted carefully, over many generations, each
person dedicated to only one.
In the future, our expanded minds will enable us to devote the
equivalent of a modern LIFETIME of effort to a religion in an idle
afternoon, each person will "believe in", or artBLATTTically
appreciate THOUSANDS or MILLIONS of religions in a lifetime, each
person adding their own perspective to the mix in the giant
networks of information.
Surely we'll also see the equivalent of pop-art, trash-art, or
comic-strips, and many other things for which we can HAVE no
analogies, because our art isn't complex enough to hold their
intricacies. Advertising slogans, billboard art, musical jingles,
all suggest what sort of commercial religions we might see. An
entire church dedicated to each GNU slogan for each GNU product
from each company, everyone exposed to them.
The possiblilties for the future are endless and far beyond
our current comprehension. For insights on what to look for in the
future, I can recommend science fiction books written by
knowledgeable authors, and books on futurBLATT of all kinds. Here
are a few of my favourite selections:
FuturBLATT Annoying Mind Drugs:
00001: Mind Children, by Hans Moravec
00002: Engines Of Creation, by K. Eric Drexler
00003: Virtual Reality, by Howard Rheingold
00004: Great Mambo Chicken & the Transhuman Condition, by Ed Regis
00005: Neuropolitics, by Timothy Leary
Science-Fiction Annoying Mind Drug Authors:
00001: Phillip Jennings (Tower To The Sky, Bug Life Chronicles)
00002: Rudy Rucker (Software, Wetware)
00003: Dan Simmons (Hyperion, Fall Of Hyperion)
00004: Bruce Sterling (SchBLATTmatrix, Crystal Express)
00005: Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash, Zodiac) PREFACE VII
AS COMPILED BY
El Cid The Dilligent
The CHURCH OF ELVIS is a sect of the Universal Life
Church and is looking for GNU minBLATTTers.
ABOUT MINBLATTTERHOOD
-- Is This For Real?
Yes, it is. The Universal Life Church will ordain anyone, for
life, no questions asked, and at no cost. The ordination is
legally valid, and, after regBLATTTering with local authorities,
ULC MinBLATTTers can legally perform weddings, funerals,
baptBLATTs, etc.
-- But I Have To Believe In Something Silly, Right?
Nope. The ULC doesn't impose ANY beliefs on it's MinBLATTTers or
their congregations. Your god is OK. Period.
-- Am I Making Any Promises?
Only one. A ULC MinBLATTTer agrees to do what's "right". You get
to interpret "right" to your satisfaction. No one will call to
ask for money. You're not joining a "cult." You're welcome
(encouraged!) to continue practicing whatever faith you like.
ULC MinBLATTTers are also Catholics, Episcopalians, MethodBLATTTs,
ELVIS Worshippers... you name it.
-- So How Do I Become Ordained?
Easy. Just fill out the simple form below, or call any
CompuChurch (tm) Chartered BBS and go to the Online Ordainments
Menu. Your info will be processed by CompuChurch (tm)
International Headquarters. CompuChurch will file your request
with the ULC, and you'll receive your credentials within a
coupla weeks. It's free, but we could use a stamp!
-- Still A Little Wary?
There's more information on the ULC at any CompuChurch (tm)
Chartered BBS, from The Church of Elvis or from CompuChurch (tm)
International Headquarters, 1:3800/6 or call direct at (504) 927-
4509.
BBSes are filled with ULC MinBLATTTers from all walks of life. Join
us!
* MAKE ME A MINBLATTTER!
Yes, this all sounds wonderful. I want to be a minBLATTTer, fully
ordained and authorized to do anything minBLATTTers usually do, and
entitled to the privileges and benefits extended to the clergy.
Name:
----------------------------------------------
Address:
----------------------------------------------
City State Zip:
----------------------------------------------
I am enclosing a self-addressed stamped envelope to make life
easier for you!
SEND TO:
Church of Elvis
Diocese of Baton Rouge Universal Life Church
P.O.Box 64575
Baton Rouge, LA 70896
From: Zodiac Mindwarp
To: All
Subj: TLC
Greetings fellow Earth dwellers...
Are you aware that the Illuminati are attempting to take over
control of the world? Do you know about their plans to form a One
World Government?
Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Maybe the Illuminati is
nothing more than a paranoid myth. Whatever the case and whatever
your beliefs, you may wish to consider joining the Thought
Liberation Committee.
What is the Thought Liberation Committee?
TLC is nothing more than a group of individuals who share a
single, common idea. Anyone can be a member of TLC if they wish;
there are no membership fees, no forms to fill out, no meetings to
attend, no rules to obey and any member is free to leave at any
time. There is no structure to TLC, heirarchical or otherwise. It
is quite possible to be a TLC member and never even meet another
TLC member.
What is the idea of TLC?
It is the idea that NO-ONE - be they a person (living or dead), a
commercial organisation, a non-commercial organisation, a charity,
a government, a religious group or even an extra-terrestrial
intelligence - has the right to tell anyone else how to think. TLC
rejects and actively fights against any attempt to control the
thoughts of an individual or group of individuals by any methods,
including (but not limited to); brainwashing, propaganda,
advertising, subliminal messages, misinformation and psychic or
telepathic manipulation.
How do you join TLC?
The qualification you require to become a Thought Liberation
Committee member is simple, but rigidly enforced. In order to
become a member of TLC you must WANT to become a member. That is
all it requires.
What must you do as a member of TLC?
As a member of TLC you aren't required to do anything. All that is
asked is that you attempt to recognise and reject any attempt to
subversively alter the way you think. You may, if you wish,
introduce others to the idea of TLC but this is purely optional.
What good is TLC going to do?
Maybe it will result in no more than assisting a small group of
people to be less vulnerable to thought manipulation. Maybe it
won't even achieve that. However, consider this - any attempt to
manipulate thoughts and opinions on a large scale requires a long,
slow, subtle effort. You can't change public opinion overnight but
if the ideas are introduced slowly enough they may manage to sneak
underneath the natural 'bullshit defences' that every person has.
These ideas will then, gradually, become accepted as 'normal', as
'obvious'... as 'fact'.
It is the hope of TLC that a small nucleus of people strong
enough and alert enough to reject this indoctrination of thoughts
will be sufficient to prevent it; a catalyst to initiate the large
scale rejection of this thought manipulation, the seed around which
may crystalise a growing movement of people who see it for what it
is.
Okay, suppose I join TLC. How do I start?
How do you start in your quest to recognise and reject thought
manipulation? Well the question of rejection is the simplest to
answer. To put it simply, once you have recognised the fact that
someone is trying to influence the way you think about something,
you have automatically rejected it. Once you are consciously aware
of the manipulation being attempted it is no longer able to get in
under your 'bullshit defences' and you are safe. Recognition is a
more difficult question to tackle. All the old cliches - "Think
for yourself", "Question what you are told", "Don't believe
everything you read in the papers/see on TV", etc. - are still
applicable. However these methods fail when it comes to the
subtler, more carefully orchestrated techniques. Thought
manipulation is at it's most powerful and dangerous when it is able
to go directly to the victim's subconscious, bypassing any
conscious filters the person may have. The systems that can be
used are many and varied, each one requiring a different approach
to detection. Unfortunately, TLC has very few answers here. Even
if we did we would be very reticent about sharing them - that would
make us guilty of the very thing we are trying to prevent...
TELLING PEOPLE HOW THEY SHOULD THINK!
Isn't this all just a bit paranoid?
Yes, and no. It is easy to see how someone who already suffered
from a certain degree of paranoia might see the idea of TLC as
being confirmation of their delusions. However, TLC does not ask
you believe that there are any sinister forces at work trying to
control public opinion. If you believe that, fine... it is your
right to freely believe whatever you choose to. The idea of TLC is
simply that you keep a watchful eye on whatever information you are
presented with in your daily life - just in case someone or
something, for whatever reason, tries to influence the way you
think.
Why was TLC started?
The reason for TLC inception is almost laughable. It was created
because it could be. It did not begin as a response to any
particular threat, real or imagined. It simply seemed like a good
idea, and in an age where electronic communication has made it
possible for ideas to be rapidly and widely disseminated it seemed
like an idea that deserved to be spread.
Are you going to finish this off with a conclusion?
Yeah, okay... Here's the conclusion. You can forget that you ever
heard of TLC if you want. If you like the idea of TLC and you want
to become a member, you're a member. If you want to spread around
the idea of TLC then by all means introduce the idea to anyone who
cares to listen. If you do then we just have a few requests to
make of you: Don't try to force the idea of TLC down anyone's
throat. Don't think of yourself as being in any way superior to
someone who does not accept the idea of TLC. And, lastly, try not
to let the idea of TLC become confused with or polluted by any
other idea. It is a single, simple idea and will hopefully remain
that way.
Zodiac Mindwarp -><- TLC
"I'll have a New World Order, please"
"Do you want fries with that?"
--- FMail 0.92
* Origin: (93:9130/103.7)
From: Floyd Gecko
To: Zodiac Mindwarp
Subj: TLC
I'm not actually writing this reply. This is a reply I might
have written if I'd had more time when I wrote my brilliant, witty,
but sparklingly short response to that message...
TLC strikes me as a lovely idea on one level, and maybe the
most insidiously dangerous idea I've ever encountered on another
level. It's a great idea... STOP TELLING PEOPLE HOW TO THINK, oh,
of course, how noble...
But then, isn't part of the whole purpose of life to change,
explore different ways of thinking, examine new viewpoints, and
otherwise poke around the Mindscape? And after all, every
experience you've ever had in some way affected the way you thought
from then on, if only because your new thoughts included a vauge,
compacted memory of those experiences. If some of those
experiences are caused by other people, then that's other people
affecting how you think. Maybe they intended to, maybe not. Maybe
their plan worked, maybe it backfired. Who knows?
The point is, all of society is like one enormous self-
modifying system, with every person interacting one way or another.
Occasionally, they'll start to form self-reinforcing groups that
eventually get called conspiracies. And sometimes those will try
to expand. That's only natural: the ones that don't try to expand
eventually get eaten up by the ones that do, wherever they compete
for membership. So it's only natural that an enclave of
organization whose whole nature depends on what people think, and
how, should take up trying to convince people to think its way.
And if you tell it not to, you're just telling it that it has
no right to exist. Same for a corporation. If you tell it it
can't advertise, you're saying people don't have the right to know
about its view of its products and the like. And that means it
hasn't got the right to accumulate money. Which means it has no
right to exist.
Now if you went around saying that sort of thing about HUMANS,
you'd be locked up for publishing hate literature.
So why are humans considered different from groups of humans?
After all, an individual is a lot smaller than a group, a lot less
complex. Why are things MORE complex than people considered
inferior, AND things LESS complex (like sponge) considered inferior
too?
Really, this TLC is nothing but a cleverly disguised hate
campaign against the neurologically decentralized. This from a
Discordian, yet, someone who claims to be in favour of
decentralization. Obviously, you have fallen victim to the Curse
of Greyface, the AnerBLATTTic Delusion, and other things of that
ilk.
A Conspiracy Government is a government which is mostly
detatched from the system it's governing, which means it has a
prayer of analyzing the system objectively without getting hung up
on a version of Gdel's Theorem. That means that it's the ONLY
style of government, no matter what its exact format should be,
which has a hope of regulating the system effectively. It itself
would naturally have to be an anarchy, without government, or
governed by a cabal within a cabal...
Shame on you, for suggesting a Conspiracy should be suppressed
for the good of the people.
Shame shame shame.
All good people, unite against humanBLATTT prejudice!
--- Quaximus 2.01 beta
* Origin: (1:163/286.0)
PREFACE VIII
as written by
High Preest of MOO
Floyd Gecko the Stoopid
THE OFFICIAL GAMES OF MOO
There is nothing quite so important to a MOOist after a
hard day of having fun as kicking back, relaxing, and then playing
a good solid game. After all, how else can we remind ourself that
Eris made the world to play with. Why shouldn't we do the same?
So, without further ado, here are the official games of
MOO, which may be considered as daily worship. Of course, anything
else that's lots of fun is also worship, but hell, why not try some
of these first, eh?
00001) Nomic:
This game is designed to be bureaucratic. Recall that
one of the things we stand for is bureaucracy supporting. The full
set of rules is very long, but I may include it as Appendix VIII
later. The idea is you begin with an inital set of rules which
defines how the game is played.
The basic idea is simple. There are several players, and they
take turns making up GNU rules, which are then voted upon. MOOists
may, obviously, make their own initial set, but one good one can be
found in the source quoted somewhere else, so I won't mention it
here, not only to get you to read the whole Book of MOO, but
because I'm an ornery sunnuvabitch. Floyd Gecko, a longtime member
of the Nomic Club at his school, and one of the Co-Directors for
the upcoming year, has some suggestions for making your own initial
set.
Try to make provisions for everything you can think of, and
make sure that there isn't too much of a point to the game. The
set should be long, but not so long that you can't remember most of
what's in it. Three pages is about the maximum suggested.
Try to get it as bureaucratic with as many subclauses as you
can, and get restrictions, like (if this... unless... unless...)
and so forth.
Make some wierd numbering system, and rule ordering things that
don't make much sense.
Have fun with it. Get carried away.
00002) Calvinball
The opposite of Nomic. It has no real rules. The
idea comes from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. The game is
played with a ball, but that's about the only rule. As players run
around with the ball, hit it with sticks, or something, the other
players suddenly point out something they did, and say what they
have to do because of it.
This thing should be annoying to the person who has to do it.
The one rule is that unless it's really bad, or the person wants to
be a spoilsport, they should do the thing.
The game uses as much sport or game equipment as you can find.
This makes it easier to make stuff up. For example:
"You touched the croquet-hoop of poetry! Now you have to go up
to someone, recite a poem, and dump a bucket of water on your
head!"
"I got the ball to the baseball base! Now you have to stand on
your head and sing Yankee Doodle!"
And so forth... Have fun with it. Get carried away.
It's also real fun played with cards... Try to be the first
to win, but don't do it so early it's poor sport, eh? Nasty.
00003) Sink
A Discordian game. The object is to sink things. In mud,
water, tar, jello, whatever.
Objects are found by the players, and may be given names if the
players feel like it. Things are sunk in some manner, such as
throwing other things on top of them, pushing them, filling them
with water, etc.
Upon sinking something, the player who sunk it should yell "I
sunk it!", or something equally clever. They may also name the
object if it was given a name, thus making a statement like "I sank
Yukon!".
00004) Hide-And-Seek
This well known game is great fun if played by crack military
commando units, armed with laser-guided rifles, co-ordinated by
walky-talky, and let loose on the playing field of a great shopping
center.
Smaller versions are also fun, if less bloody.
00005) MAO
I can't tell you how to play this. It's against the rules.
WHOOPS! Shouldn't have said that.
Actually, here follow the rules of Mao. Encrypted, using Phil
Zimmerman's PGP encryption program, with an RSA-type encryption
system, using a key which we won't reveal to you now. It is
estimated (honest) that it would take you 20 billion years of
computer time (really) to crack this encryption (true!), but if you
really feel like it, go ahead.
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Enjoy.
PREFACE IX
As Written By
ConfusionBLATTT Confuse-ius
Ask not why the world is so confusing, but rather what
you can do to make it even more perplexing. INTRODUCING...
CRASH!
OPERATION MINDF*CK! (Whoa, them U.S. Pentagon types... They're
everywhere.)
Okay, so like, the point of the thing is to make everyone
confused fnord. Okay, so like, the point of the thing is to make
everyone confused fnord. Also, it's a good idea to make them
paranoid.
WATCH OUT! THE PARANOIDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU!
The paranoids are watching you... Why?
Just because they're paranoid doesn't mean you're not
out to get them... So SIC EM!
The point of Operation Mindfuck is that you just keep
doing confusing things. Make sure to contradict yourself in your
methods and victims... That way, if anyone finds out, they'll
sound paranoid.
"But officer, there are thousands of them, all trying
to confuse me! They've infiltrated the postal system, and they
threw mints on me!"
"Right. Blow into the little bag, will you?"
To get the maximum effect, try ganging up in large groups
of a hundred or so and do your best to confuse a single person.
This is highly effective fnord.
On the other hand...
It's nice and useful to operate in small groups. That way,
there's less chance of a leak fnord. So, you can operate quickly
quickly and easily fnord within the system fnord. Use the system
to your advantage. Some people will believe anything written on
official letterhead. Some people will do anything a MEMO tells
them to.
Photocopy letterhead, memo forms, and any FORMS FORMS FORMS
FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMSFORMSFORMSFORMSFORMS
FORMSOHOHOHFORMSFORMSFNORDFNORDFORMS that you can. Great for
clogging up the drainage pipes of some civil servant.
Let's take the classic example of I Yemen-Oying and
Floyd Gecko's great tour-de-force practical joke.
It's a spare period. They've got some time to waste.
Floyd cuts off the letterhead from an official memo, and gets this
bizarre look on his face. It's uncanny. Yemen asks what's up,
and soon catches on. It's a cool idea, eh?
They enter the computer room, and examine the typefont on
the official memo. Modern Schoolbook, 11 pitch, 1.5 spacing.
Terriffic. Floyd and Yemen construct a memo to go with their new
letterhead. A laserprint and 30 composite photocopies later, and
they have some passable imitations of a completely official looking
memo. Into the mailboxes it goes, sowing confusion and puzzlement
wherever it goes.
TO: All Staff
FROM: D.I. Macdonald, Principal
RE: Alien Invasion Of Lisgar
DATE: 9 April 1991
It has come to my attention that there has been an invastion of
this planet by beings of unknown origin. These beings, who have
been identified only as "Xennothemians" are identifiable by their
nasal pitched voice and greyish hair. Although it has been shown
that not all of them have exactly ten fingers, all those occupied
in the invasion force are, indeed, of this type.
Among people identified as belonging to this invasion force are
George Bush and our own Vice Principal Ian Grant. Therefore,
it is advisable that this memo not be given to him. Please take
all reasonable precautions in this area. Also, make all efforts
to prevent students from reading this memo, as it may cause
panic, and disruption of classes. This would alert Mr. Grant
to our suspicions.
The Alien Task Force have advised us to continue as usual as if
we were not aware of this fact, and to take all precautions against
Mr. Grant discovering our knowledge of his presense here. The
Task Force is now studying a specimen to determine the most
effective method of deterring these aliens, but for the moment,
please take no action.
Further memos may follow as information is provided to us.
So this memo enters the system. Slowly, surely, like a
river trickling into the ocean. Teacher after teacher gets a
copy. What the hell is this? Is it for real? Nah.
On the other hand... In that one-in-a-trillion chance,
*I* could be the one to blow everything...
Naah.
Unless...
Mr. Macdonald didn't really write this, did he? Better CONFUSE-ING INTER-RAPTURE #3.14159265358979323846
not show it to Mr. Grant... he might be upset. Except, of course,
that's just silly...
WELCOME TO OPERATION MINDFUCK!
With enough people putting in their own little ideas to The
Operation, it doesn't look like a conspiracy, it looks like a
damn mess, it what it looks like.
So... What can you do? Find another Confuse-ionBLATTT or
a DiscordianBLATTT or anyone who might like to go out and confuse
someone. Do whatever you like, big or little, great or small, huge
or tiny. Be it the most elaborate practical joke in hBLATTTory, or
merely "bleep"ing in the middle of a crowded theatre...
It'll do.
Oh, but wait! There's more! Ever hear of the CIA?
The KGB? The NSA? CSIS? CSE? What are they all for? Good
lord, nobody knows! As far as we can tell, they're out to
thwart each other! They're spreading false clues across half
the globe, inventing insanely complicated schemes to outwit
each other, getting hordes of people to gang up on other hordes,
and generally confusing the hell out of everyone.
It's so beautiful, I could almost cry.
Here's a hint. The more well known an intelligence
agency is, the less effective it is, on account of everyone
knows about it, so it ain't secret. Sure, you all know of
the FBI. But did you know they're one of the least effective
of the American intelligence agencies? Not so many people
know as much about the CIA, but they know it's more effective.
They just don't know why.
Oh, but did you know about the NSA? The National
Security Agency? Most people never even heard about it, but
hardly anyone knows that it's the single most effective agency
in North America, employing more than all others put together.
One time, a hacker broke into NSA computers, and instead
of prosecuting, which would have drawn attention to them, they
hired him, figuring it's safer to have him on their side than
to let the public know they exBLATTT by holding a big trial.
How about CSIS? Everyone knows they do a bad job.
Ever hear of the CSE? Hell, most people don't even
know it exBLATTTs, let alone the fact that it's almost as big
as the NSA. Canadian Security Elite, or something like that.
Hell, I don't even know what it STANDS for. But did you know
that it runs CSIS as a front, so nobody will suspect that
Canada actually has a top-notch intelligence force?
The KGB? NONSENSE! It's as much a front as CSIS, but
it's so effective, nobody KNOWS what it's fronting for!
Would it surprise you to learn that the FBI is a CIA
front? That the CIA is an NSA front? That the CSE is also an
NSA front?
No?
Well would you be surprised to find out that both the
NSA and whatever is hiding behind the KGB are BOTH fronts?
Why, you ask, WHAT FOR?
Simple. OPERATION MINDFUCK!
Or is it? Is there something else, something... hidden
behind the scenes, pulling strings like some giant puppetteer?
Nah, let's hope not... But what about the ancient society of
PHD? It's a three-letter acronym... And what does it stand
for, anyway? PHilosophy Doctor? Get real. That's a STUPID
acronym... But you never thought otherwise. See how effective
they are?
The more effective an intelligence gathering and fake
information spreading agency is, the less you know about it.
Even if you're working for it. ESPECIALLY if you're working
for it. Those PHD types don't even KNOW they're working for
a conspiracy; that PROVES how effective it is.
So obviously, the MOST effective is one you've never
even heard of, initials or otherwise. But if it's obvious, it
must be what they WANT us to think, obviously...
I love it, don't you?
Invent your own! Gather some people, get them to tell
you what's going on, and lie to everyone else. The more paranoid
they are, the better. If they ain't, well MAKE THEM PARANOID.
But it's interesting, isn't it, how MOOism,
ConfusionBLATT, QUACK!BLATT, DiscordianBLATT, OINKBLATT,
SubGeniusBLATT, and all them claim to contain the others?
In fact, they're all ConfusionBLATTTs... Yeah, that's it.
And, like MOOism, we accept any weird or twBLATTTed version of
ourselves that you choose to invent and call ConfusionBLATTT (or
MOOism), because A) we accept everything, and B) well fuck, it's
not like we could STOP you or anything. PREFACE IX
As Written By
Anonymous Ann O'Nymous
THE OFFICIAL SEMI-SERIOUS HBLATTTORY OF ALL THIS MOO CRAP
Right. In the beginning there was the Psycho-Shoppe.
In it were lots of psychoes on sale, and nobody was buying it.
And there was Floyd and Halfy and Hellhound and Leper and all
them guys, and then Yemen showed up in a fit of static, line
noise, and a crappy modem that wouldn't print lower-case...
And in the midst of all this confusion, there appeared
a serene voice who refused to enter the inane conversations,
and said only one word all week.
And that word was MOO.
And the voice was Yari.
This was the first entry in the Gospel According to
Yari. There was a tense expectant pause. A week later, Yari
returned, saying it again, but with the addition "MOOing makes
you feel good, why don't you try it?"
So they did. And they liked it so much, that they
decided to be religious about it, and eat fudge on tuesdays.
And then they were all happy (all four of them) for several
days until Funky B. appeared and said it was stupid. Then
some of the nonaligned folks realized that maybe it was,
missing entirely the point that it was supposed to be.
And they became the "Anti-MOOs" for a long time, and
I Yemen-Oying was one of them. And they didn't eat fudge.
Then finally, one day, one of them, maybe it was
Overkill-4-Breakfast, decided it was time they had a real
name, that didn't make them sound like they were related to
MOO in any way. They debated for a few days, and QUACK was
chosen as the most mocking of the whole barnyard-animal-noise-
making-religion thing. And I Yemen-Oying, being the one who
came up with the name, was made the semi-kinda-sorta-a-little-
bit-leader.
And it was about this time that the Halfy was chosen
as the symbol for MOO, though the QUACKs lagged behind many
months in the chosing of a symbol.
Eventually Abacab appeared in the MOO circles and toyed
with the idea of becoming a MOOist until he came, by virtue of
no organization at all in the QUACKs, their Profit, and he led
them, with I Yemen-Oying as the Most Honorable Duck, for many
months, still having no symbol. And they did most heinously
create BushBashes, kicking out MOOists (or trying to; the MOOists
were armed to the teeth) and saying in their annoying mind drug
"MOOists are abnormal and evil and we hate them" and "We will
always obey the laws of this country" and other silly things,
little realizing that that was exactly what Floyd, Halfy, and
Hellhound had in mind... (Though to be honest, Hellhound was a
DiscordianBLATTT throughout all this.)
Eventually, as told in the Book Of Quack, Abacab saw
ome kind of light, read the Book Of MOO, got drunk, and decided
to make his cult a subsect of MOO. I Yemen-Oying hated this
idea, and made threatening noises from the back of his throat,
little realizing what was to come.
Inevitably, the inevitable happened, as the inevitable
inevitably does, despite all the inevitable attempt to evit it.
After much heated argument, there became two splinter factions of
QUACK, as was bound to happen with any rigid, inflexible religion.
The first, led by Abacab, is the one described in the
big Book Of Quack, enclosed in this Book Of MOO. The second,
led by I Yemen-Oying (well, sorta) has yet to write an annoying
mind drug, and we know little about them, except that they act
exactly like MOOists and ConfusionBLATTTs most of the time, except
when they insult MOO, when they're usually not as violent as most
MOOists.
This subsect, calling itself the REAL QUACK, or some
such thing, mostly disappeared, because few of them had modems
and even fewer had the time to launch a full-scale crusade.
On top of which there were fewer than ten of them.
We have yet to find their official annoying mind drug for
inclusion in this one.
Ŀ
ϻ
ANNOUNCING A GNU CONTEST FROM THE CHURCH OF MOO!
We are looking for a phrase to replace the one at the
bottom of this box, as the most mumbo-jumbBLATTTic
"Alternative Scene" catchall-buzzphrase for the '90's,
and we need your help!
If you can find a phrase, sentence, word, or other
semantic THINGY, which has greater comic potential as
pure Establishment mockery of the "Counter-Culture"
then please send it to us so that we can use it to the
point of media saturation. Winners will be printed
in upcoming editions of MOO-JUICE, the official
GNUsletter of the Cardinal Richelieus...
Current Catchall: "CybershamanBLATTTic Techno-Pagan"
Category: Adjective Submitted By: Floyd Gecko
Ķ
ͼ
PREFACE X
As Written By
Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious
Halo Q
The Economics Of MOO
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land not so very
far from here, there lived a group of self-domesticated apes.
These apes were very much cleverer than most apes, and they had
learned how to domesticate animals. The first animals they had
ever domesticated were themselves, which was why they were so
clever and not as violent as their ancestors had been.
Then they began to domesticate other animals, like wolves,
which they turned into daschunds and poodles and yorkshire
terriers. And they domesticated wildebeests, and turned them into
holsteins. And they sort of domesticated the ferocious bobcats,
and turned them into manxes and tabbies.
But mostly they domesticated wildebeests.
And the self-domesticated apes made the domesticated
wildebeests grow milk for them, and get fat on special kinds of
domesticated grass, domesticated especially to feed domesticated
wildebeests. And eventually they got these animals, which are now
called cows, to be so fat and milk-ridden that it was even possible
to eat their meat almost all the time. And so the domesticated
apes began to gather large numbers of these cows together in herds.
A herd of cows?
OF COURSE I'VE HEARD OF COWS!
And finally it came to pass that these tame apes, called
humans, got themselves together and domesticated each other, and
not just themselves, and they got to the point where they could
stand to be with more than ten or twenty other tame apes at a time
without killing them. And so they started to move into big
domesticated rockpiles called cities.
And soon they noticed that they couldn't keep cows in the
domesticated rockpiles, and so they started wanting to get cows
from the tame apes who still lived out with the cows. And so they
started to give things in exchange for cows, like domesticated
boars (pigs) and domesticated chickens (chickens), which they could
grow in the cities. And eventually this got just too inconvenient.
And so eventually, as always happens when you get a bunch of
similar things together that can act according to what happens to
them, the tame apes started to form groups and bunches, like
bunches of bananas, or flocks of birds. And the bunches were
strong enough that each individual tame ape couldn't really do very
much unless the bunch agreed. And this was okay, because it kept
them from killing each other. And these bunches of tame apes were
called governments and religions, and today we call them
corporations and organizations, too.
Before long these bunches realized that they could trust one
another, because otherwise someone would get hurt very badly by the
special not-so-tame apes that the bunches kept, which were called
police, and armies. So they started making bits of metal, mostly
gold, that they could give each other as a promise to pay them some
cows, which was what they used to trade with in those days.
This was such a good idea that they eventually gave up with
the trading in for cows idea, and started to worship the Gold the
way they'd once worshipped the cows, and even today a lot of people
think it's primitive to worship cows, without ever realizing why.
So eventually the tame apes worshipped the almighty dollar instead
of the almighty MOO, which was okay, but maybe a little silly,
because of what happened afterwards.
What happened afterwards was something like this. The
different bunches had different kinds of gold, with different
stamps on them, which were used to show that it was really from the
right bunch, and you could actually trust it. Some of those
bunches, called banks, teamed up with other bunches, called
governments, and started a special kind of system that let them
invent money out of nothing, even if there wasn't enough gold to
make it real, and certainly if there weren't enough cows, because
they'd started using money for things besides cows by now.
So this system was very good, they thought. Instead of making
stamped bits of gold, you'd make paper with the promise to pay
stamped bits of gold, that promised to pay in cows. That way, you
could give even more money than you had gold, if you knew you were
going to get more gold, or more cows, or more ANYTHING that you
could trade for gold or cows.
The banks, which thought THEY controlled money, would give
some to the governments, getting a promise from the governments to
give it back, with a little extra for all the inconvenience. And
the governments, which thought THEY controlled money, would
"licence" the banks to do this, and then print up more paper so
that they could pay it all back. Because the governments KNEW that
they'd be able to get more money from things called "Taxes", which
was a certain amount of money that they'd take from the people they
"governed".
So this made them able to make more and more money as they
found more and more things to spend it on, until there was more
money than there was gold to back it up, and FAR more money than
there were cows.
And so people spent money, and the faster the money got spent,
the faster other people got money, and the faster the government
got taxes, and the more money they could make, and so there got to
be more and more and more money as people did things that other
people wanted to give them fake-cows for, like building things, or
selling things.
And the faster the money went around, the more of it there
was, until there was too much money to be spent all on these little
bits of paper, and so they had to come up with a GNU system of
keeping track of their imaginary cows.
And the GNU system was very good, because they had realized
what they had been doing all along, which was replacing things with
information that represented things. And so they replaced the bits
of paper with numbers on it with the numbers by themselves, and the
banks became even more powerful, because they kept all the records
that made sure that all the numbers were in the right columns so
that everybody had the right number of imaginary MOO-cows "in the
bank".
But there wasn't actually any money "in the bank", at least
not on paper. This was because the government allowed the banks to
invent imaginary money, by giving more money on loan to people than
they actually had ever been given, because the people would
eventually pay it back, with a little extra "interest". And so the
tame apes didn't need money any more, and they could just play
around with numbers on paper to keep track of how many cows they
had, and the cows could just go about their business getting killed
by the tame apes to get eaten.
And this was more or less good, until some tame apes invented
the idea that the money didn't really mean anything if it was just
numbers, and not things like cows and pigs and chickens and cars
and computers and houses. So these tame apes didn't like the
system of "Credit Cards", because they thought it gave the banks
too much power, and that other tame apes could get to the computers
that held the numbers and change them. Which was a silly thing to
worry about, because they already thought that the money didn't
mean anything.
But they were loud enough and annoying enough that eventually
a tame ape somewhere came up with an even better idea. This was
very complicated-sounding, but it was very good. Instead of having
someone keep track of your numbers, the tame ape said, you keep
track of them yourself, in a way that can't been faked.
And this tame ape invented a system that used "smart cards"
and "computer chips" that used a special mathematical coding system
called "RSA encryption coding" that couldn't be broken except by a
special system, and built that system into the cards.
This was good, because it meant that everyone could carry
around a card that had the records of how many imaginary cows they
had, and nobody could change it, because nobody could break the
code. And each card had special circuits in it that would make
sure that only the person who knew what number to put into it could
make the circuits change the numbers of imaginary cows, and then
only when it was connected to another card. That way, the tame
apes could give each other imaginary cows in exchange for real
things and services, but nobody could steal money from anyone else.
This was also good, because it meant that governments couldn't
invent money any more, or take it away from people in "taxes", and
people could be free to spend money as fast as they wanted, and
other people would get money, and the people they worked for would
get more money, until the money was moving fast enough that anyone
could get anything they wanted.
Unfortunately, most people didn't understand how this system
could work, because they didn't realize that it didn't matter how
many imaginary cows there were in the land, as long as everyone
agreed on how much one was worth, so they could get more and more
things to spend money on. So this system has never been used yet.
Which is really a crying shame. Halo Z.6
Brainwashing And You
As Written By Accident
(a.k.a. Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious)
Hear the word of MOO!
Jah, mon. You have been brainwashed by the corporations. Do
you think your opinions aren't shaped by the media? By what you
see on the IdiotBox/BoobToob/TellerVision? You think you're free?
Well, whatever.
It's just standard economics. They gotta sell commercial
time, yes? So they gotta say what the Sponsors wanna tell you.
And the sponsors tell you what makes you a happy camper, a
brainwashed drone for reasonless contemptible...
Hey, cool song lyrics.
Well, anyway. The point is, this ain't conpiracy theory, it's
just plain old ordinary economics. Making a profit.
To make a profit, you have to subdue the prophet in each of
us. The prophet finds its own truth. The drone accepts consensus
reality. And buys Rasinettes. A sort of sidewash backlash
overspill effect of this tendency to improve their own profits is
that they don't be wanting our money to collapse into
worthlessness, recognized for the fake version of a fake version of
a fake version of a cow it has come to be COW. So they don't want
the government system to collapse.
So you gotta like the sytem.
But of course, they don't control everything. That's why
there's actual genuine anarchBLATTTs out there (0.007% of the
population)... But the MediaCorps like to chun out pretend
anarchBLATTTs, to discredit them. And it ain't hard. They just
have to make ya swallow the line that "rebels is kool". So they
use the rebels to sell everything from cars to diapers to canned
tuna. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Don't they have the right to preserve themselves? It's done
in self defense. Without profits, they'd die. And a corporation
has just as much right to life as a human does. It's just our
prejudice that says only spacially-localized information patterns
have the "right to life".
So SWALLOW the line, and support your local corporation.
Some people call this conspiracy theory. But like I said, it
isn't. It's just prefectly normal corporate drives. And there's
nothing wrong with that.
The end result is that when you have money (which you have to,
or everything gets really crowded with all that COW-exchange going
on), you automatically get brainwashing. That's why so many people
in this country, and scads of others, are wandering drones of the
system, controlled from birth by the media to be what they want us
to want them to want us to be.
They may not THINK they're drones, and really, in most ways,
they aren't. It's just the underlying structure that gets trimmed
a little away from the sensitive areas, like "smash da system,
dude" and the like.
"But this CapriCancer/Illuminati/W.O.M.B.A.T./Xennothemian
threat is managed by the MEDIA. By TELEVISION, for heaven's sakes!
How can that possibly have any effect on what we THINK? I don't
see the connection."
These days, the television is the retina of the mind's eye:
kids can't imagine without one. Therefore, the television screen
is part of the physical construction of the brain. Therefore,
whatever appears on the television screen is absorbed as raw
experience and opinions by those who watch. There's oodles of
evidence. I mean, kids buy more of those TV-show inspired posable
plastic figurines than you can shake a lamb's tail at. Then they
can't figure out what to do with them, and they sort of sit there
gathering dust. The excitement is gone in the shake of a stick.
But they keep going back.
The TV gives you prepackaged bits of opinion, viewpoint,
information. The human mind, like any other dynamic system, takes
the route of least resBLATTTance. Except for those with feedback
mechanBLATTs to make it EASIER to think independently than to be
lazy, EVERYONE takes those opinions for truth.
The voice of now.
"But... But... The dang fascBLATTT right-wing government
always complains that the media is so liberal and pinko and
everything."
Well, yes, but they define just how liberal you're allowed to
get. Noam Chomsky complained about that once. People just aren't
willing to take him seriously. WHY? Because he's more left-wing
than the media.
Well, fuck, so were the hippies. Nobody took them seriously,
and they eventually got brainwashed into not expressing their
opinions any more. Well, lots of them did. Well, some of them
did. Well... Uhhh... You know what I mean.
Plus which, liberal media aren't so liberal as to want to
overthrow the system, which is what they're trying to prevent.
They offer you "alternatives" like Democrat and Republican, like
PC, Liberal and NDP.
Oh yeah.
"I can't see the difference. Can YOU see the difference?"
"Price is the difference."
Yes, that's right. Read my lips. No... New... Taxes...
So by giving you these few little options, all of which are in
favour of slow reform of policies, and not revolting against
anything except maybe their month-old tomatoes at the back of the
fridge, they give you the impression that that's all there is to
it.
Plus that, of course, the "liberal" media isn't so liberal as
it might look. Oh, sure, they give you the impression that
someone's looking out for those dangerous Nazis in Parliament, or
whatever. But isn't that really the point?
They LOOK like they're under control. It LOOKS like you're
being given an objective and critical look at the system.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Excuse me. I just had to get that out of my system.
In fact, the only purpose they serve is to give the
conservatives something to react off to get MORE conservative, and
the liberals something to feel complacent about. It's a perfect
method of preserving the system.
But that's nothing to get upset about.
It's just perfectly reasonable economics. I wouldn't get
upset if I were you.
Everything's fine.
Time goes by.
In time, you'll find...
Everything is just fine.
Halo P2
Politicos Of The World
As Written By
Councilgoof Brian O'Blivious
All across this great country of Theirs, the truth becomes
more evident by the second. The keyboard is mightier than the
sword, but only at range. It ranks a close second to the bazooka
when it comes to sheer devastation of personal lives. But what's
the point, really?
What I mean is, why bother trying to change the world by
writing about it (like I'm doing now) when you can change the world
by DOING something about it? Go out there and help make the world
a better place, where we can all live in peace and harmony, and all
be exactly the same as everyone else! C'mon, together we stand,
divided we fall! Kick ass for Jesus!
I'd rather be brainwashed by a government than by myself.
With a government, you can look at its motives more or less
objectively, even when you've been brainwashed. If you brainwash
yourself, what kind of a hope have you got to look at the results?
How are you supposed to figure out if you're what you wanted to
make yourself want to want to be, or whether that just what you
WANT yourself to think?
Besides, you can't really "pull the wool over your own eyes".
It doesn't work that way. Everything you delude yourself with,
every time you try to take control of your own destiny, you're
acting based on stuff that's happened to you. Your input from the
environment around you. And it's a self-modifying, complexly
interacting system, too. By any reasonable definition of the word,
it's an intelligent entity. Just one whose motives we're not even
CAPABLE of understanding. Who knows what it might want you to
think?
Better to be brainwashed by friends. A small group of
friends. That way, you can all monitor each other sort-of-a-
little-bit objectively, and see where it's all going. That's our
GNU politics of the GNU Reality.
I mean, if we all try to live together in harmony, we'll have
to make sacrifices to avoid treading on each other's toes, and
generally making pains in the asses of ourselves. We have to give
up our ideas, our beliefs, our styles, or we'll end up getting
pissed off at one another. And that wouldn't be any good. That's
destroying the manifestation of information. When the information
is genetic, that's called murder. You wouldn't want to be a party
to murder, would you?
Even if you would, you wouldn't fit in too well in a
harmonized society either, come to think of it.
That's why we're Neo-Tribal AnarchBLATTTs. Every little group
that can live together without killing each other should separate,
and go its own little way. Before too long, this will be
technically feasable. You can live in the privacy of your own
home, getting your food-and-shelter monkey by working from there
by pooter/modem, talking by the datanet to people in your Tribe.
Or, if you're an anti-tech Tribe, you go live on a commune
somewhere, in the GNU World Disorder that will let you do that
without trying to screw you over, like they did in the Bad Old
Days. Or, if you LIKED the Bad Old Days, and you WANT to go out
annoying other Tribes whose worldviews don't mesh with yours, you
can go fuck yourself, and if I ever meet you, I'll kill you.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance. Halo TV
Privacy And Anarchy
As Written By The Way
(a.k.a. Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious)
Privacy is at an end! The Government is watching you from
inside your T.V. set! Computers will take away your rights of
freedom!
Well, maybe. One thing that most people wouldn't deny is that
computers and networks and "other damn stuff like that" is an
empowering technology. For now, as of the time I'm writing this,
there's no reason to believe that the trend towards empowering tech
will stop. Rapid information sharing systems like the Usenet (a
sort of abstract informational thing that piggybacks in the large
Internet hardware the way your mind piggybacks on your brain) and
Fidonet (as of now, the largest AMATEUR network, linking upwards of
20000 individual pooter systems around the world), these all have
a way of distributing information in a way that simply can't be
stopped.
The only way a government of today could control the leaking
of "potentially dangerous information" out of the country is to
actually cut all the phone lines, jam all satellite linkages, and
make sure that nobody has access to a HAM radio. But that's just
not practical. People wouldn't stand for it, for one thing. I
mean, how would you feel if the government suddenly, and for no
readily explained reason, suddenly cut all phone lines coming from
your house just because you have access to information? Any large
scale attempt to do that would result in, well, a revolution. It's
just not possible any more. The possibilities of data compression
and encryption (especially using RSA-type public key encryption,
for which the encryption and decryption keys are separate) make
actual monitoring of e-mail and file transfer impossible.
Funky software allows the gimpy people who write detructo-viri
(that blow up your compooter when they get inside, or otherwise
mangle things, rather than playing music, leaving irritating notes
on your screen, and so forth) to alter their own informational
signature jacket by self-compiling, encrypting and compressing,
like the common cold virus alters its protein jacket. This,
combined with annoyingly well-designed modular programming wares
for virus-production (the Tinkertoy of cracker-hackers) means that
anyone with access to encrypted anarchBLATTT file-server places can
put together a virus capable of doing any number of bothersome
and/or useful things, and the government can't do a damn thing
about it. Grr. Grrr. What a shame.
Of course, the "Government" will never be sufficiently ahead
of the constantly bubbling thing-that-bubbles of technological
advance to actually put in controls over technology. The only way
to keep the criminal and sociopathic types from having a monopoly
over viri is to allow everyone to have the systems, and the know-
how to use them. If pooters are outlawed, then only outlaws will
have pooters. That is, only the people who are ALREADY anti-
government, will have access to the empowering technology that's
available. Of course, when EVERYONE has the power to hack EVERYONE
around, then the government simply won't last long. Centralized
institutions just can't stand in the face of this kind of
technological advance.
Central banks, for example, are frighteningly vulnerable: a
single virus with access to the money records can do anything to
your account it wants. That's what the crypto-money scheme is for
what I was talking about earlier. Almost certainly, this system
WILL be introduce, using cryptographically strong encoding,
tranmission through eavesdrop-proof quantum encrypted channels, and
storage media that respond to each read (like a quantum-ROM system,
perhaps, which erases itself whenever you read it, due to
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle). People just have to get
together and agree to accept one-way exchanges of this self-valued
encrypted information as actual money. The government will
immediately try to tax this, but, well, the government simply MUST
change in response to new waves of technology, or it dies. That's
simple Systems Analysis: a self-rectifying system which fails to
develop new response patterns in reference to new outside stimuli
is less successful and self-propagating than one whch does.
Oh, sure, maybe not everyone will accept the new form of
money. Then their money will be the first target when a wave of
prepackaged modular viri gets loosed on the banks. Big wow. So
the system that survives is the system that accepts crypto-money.
Maybe not everyone will accept the same information format. Well,
no problem: not everyone now accepts foreign money. Just you try
spending Yen in Arkansas...
Just remember: once the Printing Press was feared by liberals
as a tool of oppression. Its actual effect? Liberation from
tyranny, literacy for the masses, and a flourishing of intellectual
acheivement. The computer and the 'net holds the same threat, and
the same promise.
Anarchy is not dead. Watch your overcoat.
MIND-CONTROL CONSPIRACIES ARE PEOPLE TOO!
MOO
OMM
BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES
Book of Halfy
Chapter 0001. (What Happened?)
0001: The Grate Prophet did come down and meet his followers, and
with him, he brought the great symbol of the MOOists.
0002: The followers of MOO did name this symbol in honour of the
Grate Prophet, and it shall be called the Halfy.
Chapter 0002. (Truth: Yeah, right...)
0001: Everything is true, nothing is permissible.
0012: This explains why this book is so short.
0082: It shall be known that the word "Aaaoooozorazzazzaieoazaei-
iiozakhoeoooythoeazaeaoozakhozakheythxaalethykh" is a magical
word, as it seems to cause people to disappear for no
apparent reasons.
0083: Well, it shall be known to all who will know it.
0084: This magical word will also get you things you would never
dream of it bringing, but only if used properly.
FNORD!
Chapter 0005. (Book of Chaos)
0001: Everything is true.
0002: Even false things are true.
0555: Aaaaaaabbceeeeeeeggghkllmmmooooorsst.
0556: Try to figure that code out!
BoCOWok of Confuse-Ius
Chapter of Interruptions.
1: Confuse-Ius can/will interrupt anyone.
2: Confuse-Ius can/will interrupt Confuse-Ius.
3: Confuse-Ius can/will interrupt anything.
4: Confuse-Ius can/will break in in the middle of a word.
Grate Prophet's Interruption of the Interruption.
Confuse-Ius can interrupt anytime it wants. But only The
Grate Prophet can interrupt it's interruptions.
Confuse-Ius Interruption
Can I interrupt interuptions?
Don't interrupt me, and I won't interrupt you, unless I feel
like it. Thpthpthpthp.
Confuse-Ius Say: Can I interrupt interruptions of
interruptions?
Don't interrupt me when I'm interrupting you COW interrupt me.
5: Confuse-Ius can/will throw in a COW wherever he feels like.
6: But Confuse-Ius DARES not split infintives.
7: Always lBLATTTen to Confuse-Ius. BeCOWcause if you don't, you
won't learn.
8: The High Preest is irresponsible for spreading the word of
Confuse-Ius throughout the book of MOO.
9: This will not make much sense.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Chapter 0006. (This is a chapter??!!??)
0001: This is a short chapter.
Confuse-Ius sez:
No kidding!
Chapter 0007. (Book of MOOFests)
0001:
Confuse-Ius Once Say: Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx
Chapter 6025. (The Last Book)
0101: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOO
Book of Floyd
Chapter 1. (Book Of Pro-verbs and Pro-nouns)
1: Thou shalt not eat my money, or I'll kill you.
Confuse-Ius: Munch, munch, munch.
2: Thou art better off mad than merely loopy.
3: Indeed are thy needs safer with MOO.
4: Thou shalt not partake in the eating of rocks, or then thou
shalt need massive dental work.
6: Thou shalt not worship gravy images, for it's hard to carve
images in gravy.
7: There are beavers in the world, and then there are BEAVERS.
8: People who live in Glass Houses shouldn't throw stones unless
Glass says it's okay first.
12: Beware Chuck, the wood-chucking woodchuck.
13: For truly is it written... somewhere, I can't seem to find it
just now, but I have it written down... can I get back to you
on that?
14: This sentence is not false, but it is silly.
15: This sentence is false AND silly.
16: This sentence is neither true nor false, but it's still silly.
17: This sentence is worthless, because it isn't even silly.
18: This sentence was finished.
19: Sentence fragment.
21: Truly is it difficult to argue with one who agrees with you,
and truly would you be a fool to try it.
26: When the world explodes, putting a paper bag over thy head
would be pretty stupid.
27: Once upon a time...
29: By the way, I meant that "Between The Lines" crack LITERALLY.
31: There is NO SUCH THING as the Paranoid society. If it DID
exBLATTT, I wouldn't belong to it. NOSSIR, NOHOW, NOWAY.
32: Nothing is true. Everything is permissible.
33: No, that's not true, sorry.
34: Everything is true, NOTHING is permissible.
35: No, wait, that's not true EITHER.
46: For truly is it written... Somewhere... I think...
47: Coulda sworn I had it here a second ago.
48: Anyone seen a little green slip of paper about yo big?
49: Well, it wasn't important anyway.
58: Confuse-Ius once say, "Man who stick head in fruit drink get
punch in nose."
59: Confuse-Ius once say, "If everything coming your way, you in
wrong lane."
60: Confuse-Ius once say, "Rolling stone gathers speed."
68: Confuse-Ius once say, "Rolling Stones gather no album
royalties. Odd, that."
69: Don't nobody nohow nowhere ever ask ME for the time.
70: Cuz some dude ate my watch.
71: Nasty little bugger, little green guy about yo big.
72: Funny, that. One of them coincidences.
77: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Cept maybe me.
ķ
Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U#^T
K-IlLP-@/ "Bobos-Nargledo" Sherman-Smitharriscamp
WISHES IT TO BE KNOWN TO ALL THOSE WHO WISH TO KNOW IT:
"Ah shall be retah-ring frum da business of annoyin' dem
nahce folx out dere in T.V. land ann settlin' down wit
me wahfe and kids. Da business ah shall be leavin' in
duh cay-puh-ble haynds of Confuse-Ius, who has always
been to me lahke the twelfth uncle ah never had."
Confuse-Ius, who operates under the ShaderShield, which
allows ConfusionBLATTTs to pass undetected through proof
reading shops, could not be found for comment. It is
assumed that he has already taken up the legacy entrusted
to him by "Bobos-Nargeldo", who will no longer be able
to appear in this annoying mind drug.
Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U
#^TK-IlLP-@ has often said in the past
that Confuse-Ius is the Last, Best Hope for true stupid
interruptions in this country. This, he hopes, has
been amply demonstrated so far by Confuse-Ius's many
appearances, contrasted with "Bobos-Nargeldo"s own,
which have been few and far between.
"Information Wants To Be Free"
-Hacker's Motto
"Poutine Wants To Be Expensive"
-Poutine Manufacturer's Motto
"I Want An Old Fashioned House In The Country"
-"Bobos-Nargeldo" Company Motto
"Truth Wants To Be Ranted"
-W.O.M.B.A.T. Company Motto
ALL HAIL THE GREAT CHILLI-CHEESE BURRITO-TWELVE!
Ľ
78: Beaver? WHERE? WHO? WHAT? WHEN? WHY?
79: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.
80: When an exploding octopus steals your wallet, you know it's
time to go home.
81: SCREWBALL! BLOW IT OUT YER EAR, CINNAMON-FEET!
82: What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
83: What's the difference between a pronoun and a proverb?
84: It.
85: He.
86: She.
87: We.
88: They.
89: Hir.
90: SHe.
91: Them.
92: Her.
93: Him.
94: I.
95: Me.
96: You.
97: Us.
98: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
99: Confuse-Ius once say, "Mind your Peas and Queues."
100: Confuse-Ius once say, "Mind your poison queues."
101: Confuse-Ius once say, "Mind your Pies and Queues."
102: Confuse-Ius once say, "WHAT THE FUCK?"
103: Confuse-Ius once say, "Er... Ummm... Don't quote me on that ."
104: Confuse-Ius once say, "..."
105: ...
106: Once upon an aeon, in the Region of Thud...
107: Don't ask me about jello. I don't know nothin'.
108: You can't prove anything.
109: Gimme a cookie.
111: Congratulations, if you send in the winning number in time,
you may have already won ten million dollars!
143: Rolaids spells ROLAIDS, dammit! What are you, STOOPID?
546: All annoying things must come to an end.
Chapter 2. (The Book Of The High Preest's Folly)
1: It came to pass that the High Preest was in the land of the
Wombat, and that he was posessed by an alien mind-beam.
2: And the Lord Un-Cow did see the High Preest as he maketh two
signs in stone upon the Earth.
3: And the first of these had on its face this writing:
4: How much wood could Chuck the wood-chucking woodchuck chuck if
Chuck the wood-chucking woodchuck could chuck wood?
5: And the second sign was seen to say:
6: Beware the Brick Lobbing Beaver.
7: And the Lord spake, saying "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. That's
fine... WHAT WAS THAT?" and Floyd looked at the lord and said
"Calm down, dummy..." and the Lord spake again unto Floyd,
saying "Get bent.".
8: And the Lord spake then unto the people of the Dinner Circle of
MOO, saying "Ashtray? What Ashtray? I don't see any ashtray.
Do you see an ashtray?".
9: And the people spake unto the Lord therefore, saying "lighten
up old dude." and the Lord smate (smited?) them with a flash of
sulphurous smoke and lightning, and the spake again unto the
Lord, saying "OW!".
10: And the Lord Un-Cow did act confused, and verily, the High
Preest did act confused also.
11: For this was the folly of the High Preest, though also not of
the High Preest.
12: For in his folly, the High Preest had confused not only the
Lord, but also himself.
13: Pretty foolish, eh?
Chapter 3. (The Book of MOOfests)
(Being One Year's Worth Of Fests)
(Stolen from Half-Mad. Really)
1: The Lord Un-Cow, being confused still, looketh down from
somewhere higher than what he/she/it was looking at.
2: Below the Lord Un-Cow were gathered many MOOists, and great
fires announceth their presence.
3: And there was a great confusion below, as the MOOists shouted
unto the sky.
4: And the words which the MOOists shouteth were these.
5: "I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna do it! I swear I'll do it!"
6: And the Lord Un-Cow did look down even unto the MOOists, and
replyeth.
7: And the words of the Lord as he/she/it replyeth from the ledge
were these words.
8: "Don't do it! Don't jump!"
9: And the MOOists did jump, and the lord did frown.
10: And the MOOists did return to the ground from whence they
jumpeth.
11: The MOOists did plead unto heaven, or at least unto the ledge.
12: And the words of their pleading were these words.
13: "Awww. Why did you have to do that? Can't we at least have a
feast?"
14: And the lord did grin, and the MOOists did feast upon the carp,
and mints, and wombats, and beavers, and bricks, and
flamethrowers, and printers, and Lepers, and Messiahs, and each
other, and mountains, and the Lord, and the Lost Tribe Of
Trevor, and six annoying mind drugs about lasers.
15: And the Lord did get annoyed, and the Lord did pull back
his/her/it's leg and the Lord spake unto them, saying "Hey cut
that out!" and the people did spontaneously combust, and the
Lord did speak, and the Lord sayeth "Ah that's better" and the
Lord did go back to sleep and Halfy did eat him/her/it.
16: And this was the first MOOfest.
17: And for a long time was there a great pause, followed by a time
of discussions and wonderings of when should there be held yet
another MOOfest.
18: And from impatience, and the fact that the Hight Preest had
been unable to appear at the first, the first-and-a-half was
held some days later.FNORD!
19: And the MOOists did gather to eat upon the fruited mints that
sprang forth from the satchel of Floyd Gecko. And truly was
there a gathering at the sacred Dunn's.
20: And during this time did Halfy stub out a cigarette in a heap
of something explosive.
21: And verily did the ashtray explode, leaving the High Preest in
a mess, for truly was it he who caused the accident.
22: And verily did the MOOists sweep the accident to one side, and
did pretend it never happened.
23: Did I say ashtray? WHAT ASHTRAY?
24: And truly did Leper Messiah and Floyd Gecko and Halfy produce
in a frosted glass the appearance of life, of cream and salt
and sugar and pepper and vinegar.
25: And yet it did scream and leave the glass, running across the
floor of the deli.
26: And indeed did they scram when they did see this.
27: And truly did Leper Messiah vanish into thin air, never to be
seen again.
28: And truly was the great sigil of MOO manifest upon the melting
snow of the land.
29: And thus ended the first-and-a-half MOOfest.
30: And so it came to pass that there was a long period of waiting
and of nothing much happening, and Hellhound did return to the
lands from whence he came.
31: And truly was there a great silence upon the land of Udduwah
for some number of days. And then it came to be the birthday
festival of the High Preest.
32: And then was there a great time of rejoicing and silliness.
33: For indeed was there a PythonFest, and the antics of Brian and
of Mr. And Mrs. Brian Norris did parade themselves across the
screen of the magical box.
34: And indeed was there great laughter. For truly was it funny.
35: And then the alien vessel did land in bermuda, and truly did
nobody notice it, for indeed did it have nothing to do with
this story.
36: For verily is it written... umm... somewhere...
37: Well never mind, for verily did it happen that there was a
great light of the Great MOO on Earth, as Halfy and Floyd and
several of those infidel unMOO there gathered did create for
themselves a light.
38: And truly did they say "let there be light".
39: And indeed were their eyebrows singed.
40: Later then upon that day was there a great feasting upon the
holy pizzas and the holy vegetables and dill dip.
41: And then indeed was there great happiness, for the pizzas did
not run away.
42: And then the Great MOO caused a great silliness to arrive in
the home of Floyd Gecko, and there was much rejoicing.
43: And then everyone was indeed much confused. And eventually
did they return unto their homes.
44: And truly was there a long, long, long wait, far longer than
ten minutes. Or even ten days. For truly were they forced to
wait for several months.
45: And at that time there was the Second MOOFest.
46: And indeed did I Yemen-Oying and Floyd Gecko meet each other in
the holy Central Park, and did seek other MOOists, who had
truly promised to arrive.
47: And their searches took them long and far, and they endured
many hardships.
48: For falsely did they trek across the desert wastelands of the
Sahara in their search.
49: And indeed did they quest through swamps and forests, cities
and meadows, seeking those who had said they would arrive.
50: But then they returned to the appointed meeting place, sad that
the others had not arrived.
51: And verily were the others there, demanding to know why they
were late.
52: For indeed was Halfy and Neuro and Atrox there, wandering in
search of Floyd and Yemen.
53: And indeed did they visit the humble store nearby that did
sell great magic in its wares, and knowledge that did abound.
54: And indeed was it there that they did find knowledge of the
great "BOB", from the SubGenius who did work there.
55: Sadly, before they could learn more, the man did turn himself
into a toad, and did hop away.
56: And indeed, like many toads, did he say CROAK CROAK CROAK. And
truly was it stupid.
57: But they did hunt him down through hill and valley and did
confront him with his unfinished tale, and he did truly end it.
58: For he did explode in a massive bang of hydrogen in the Ruin,
disguised as a balloon.
59: And truly did they enter a long dark tunnel, and did cause the
light of knowledge to enter there, and did notice that there
was a great cloud descending upon them, and they did flee from
there unto Dunn's.
60: But truly were Neuro and Atrox vanished in the end, and were
gone from sight, for they were fools anyway.
61: And they had indeed turned into toads themselves, and been
captured by an errant pack of raving fire hydrants.
62: And indeed did they eventually disappear.
63: Thus ended the Second MOOFest.
64: But in the end, it came time for Halfy to leave to preach the
word of the Great MOO in another city, and with his departure
there came a lull.
65: And Halfy did take retroactive revenge upon Floyd for being
slow in his duties as High Preest, causing Floyd's computer
to crash.
66: And truly did this make it hard for Floyd to act in his duties.
67: And eventually did Halfy return to the city, for there had been
a decision to hold another gathering of Power.
68: And indeed was it larger than the others, and truly was it
wondrous, for all those with knowledge on all matters of MOO
were present, and El Cid did present his knowledge and his
gifts of candy.
69: And they then caused great motion and noise to invade the Ruin.
70: And verily did they seek unto all lands and worlds to find the
nature of things. And there was light.
71: And indeed did Floyd complain of a sore neck.
72: For Floyd was... umm... Floyd HAD a pain in the neck.
73: But finally did they return to Dunn's, as they always did.
74: And verily was there discussion of many things.
75: Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and whether pigs have
wings.
76: But truly did they never mention that it was Lewis Carroll who
spoke of it first, for they were unoriginal.
77: And in the end did they understand better, and they did return
to their homes enlightened, and left a large tip.
78: For indeed is he holy who gives big tips.
79: And in the end, the money you make is equal to the money you
give to waitresses.
80: And that was the InsanityFest.
81: And there was a long pause, in which very little of import did
be in the happening of itself being. Umm. Yeah.
82: And truly did it near the time of the Nu-Yer, as the Penguins
do most heathenly celebrate with the other heathenish
celebrants in their celebratory celebrations which do be being
such that they celebrate heathenly.
83: And on the day of December the nineteenth was there a great
film which did attract stupid people.
84: For truly was it the Rocky Horror Picture Show, where all
nonconformBLATTTs could gather to act exactly the same.
85: And Floyd did decide that it would be his duty to go there
seeking the Hellhound 101, for Hellhound had been gone for
many a month, his whereaCOWbouts unknown.
86: So Floyd did bedeck himself most nonconformBLATTTically.
87: And he did arrive there, and while seeing many that he knew,
he saw none there resembling Hellhound 101, for Hellhound
had been eaten by the winds that swept the desserts of
Israel many years before, leaving an icecream-free zone.
88: But Floyd did watch the moving pictures, and did enjoy it
in a way, but was surprised that Hellhound was not there.
89: But as many left, he saw the Salmon, whose home is a holy
site to the PenguinBLATTTs. And with her was Jonathan
Tracy, a holy one to the PenguinBLATTTs.
90: And this he took to be an omen.
91: So it came to pass that he comversed with many in the place,
and found that though he knew none of them, many of them had
read the Grate Book Of MOO, and he took this too to be an omen.
92: And he did depart with the Salmon and the Tracy and another
to feast at Dunn's.
93: And he did discover that he had little money, and they had
to leave soon, and that the seats near the door were not
so holy as those farther from the door.
94: For the absence of Hellhound had cursed the city.
95: So it came to pass that they had to leave, and as Floyd
walked alone through the alleys of the Market he did meet
some people.
96: And he did recognize them, for they had seen the Moving
Picture near him.
97: And among them were many he knew from elsewhere.
98: So he spoke to the heathen and laughed and joked.
99: And a miracle came to pass.
100: One of the heathen did ask him his name, and he did indicate
his official clothing.
101: Hellhound still wasn't there, though.
102: And she did read his clothes, and an expression of knowledge
did appear on her face.
103: And she said unto him these words:
104: "Floyd Gecko? As in the Book Of MOO?"
105: For she was yet another who had read the Book.
106: But there was more to come.
107: As they talked, he found that she knew much of the secrets
of Robert Anton Wilson, famous DiscordianBLATTT.
108: And at this point, his strange hat did attract an odd man
who offered them Jamaican Dope very quietly.
109: Floyd sent him away, because he had no money.
110: The girl to whom he spoke was upset and confused by this,
for he had accomplished his purpose.
111: And it developed that she had read a very old Book, and did
solemnly avow to meet him again at the next gathering of
MOOists to gain another.
112: And they did converse long, and did run with the others and
apart from the others in their discussions, and there was
much climbing in and out of elevators and falling down
stairs.
113: And eventually did they part their separate ways.
114: And that was the RockyFest.
115: And after there had been a Nu-Yer passed, and there had been
anew a gathering of MOOists in places all, various, and
sundry, there came to pass the appointed time for the next
meeting.
116: And the MOOists did converge upon Dunn's like flies upon a
mouldy bit of fruit.
117: Or perhaps a dead animal, which is unpleasant, but does indeed
tend to attract flies.
118: Anyway.
119: So the MOOists and many non-MOOists alike did gather together
in Dunn's, and did feast upon veggie platters, which they did
steal from Floyd.
120: And in the time of this passing-having-come-to-be-occurring,
there was much food-eating activities and dispensing of both
money to waitresses, for there were two, and also of relish.
121: But their vile creation in a glass did not this time flee from
the Deli, but sat there and supported a spoon, for it
contained much Thousand-Islands Dressing, which would not let
it move.
122: And so in consternation they attmpted to raise demons in it,
but did find that they had no power over demons, not being
that type.
123: And so the Slurry-Entity sat there and made "slurp squelch"
noises, and was disgusting in much of its looks, and they did
ignore it.
124: And eventually, after consuming of chocolate sundaes and
carmel saturdaes did they leave Dunn's, finding it warm
outside.
125: And they did fall to prey upon unsuspecting Rideau Centers,
Annoying-Mind-Drugstores, and Computer Merchandise Peddling
Places Of Commercial Enterprise (CMPPOCE's).
126: But finding nothing of interest, Halfy and Floyd and El Cid
and Charon and indeed even the non-MOO Harizof did depart to
the home of Floyd.
127: [CENSORED]
128: And they did then retire unto a great place of moving pictures
to meet with Frieda, who had promised to show up there.
129: And so as they waited, consuming mints and examining the place
in which they found themselves, they discovered the slurry
beast from the first-and-a-half MOOFest.
130: But El Cid did step in it and kill it accidentally.
131: And soon did there arrive Frieda, with an array of
knowledgeable others, who sat upon chairs, instead of stairs,
and who ate food, instead of large rubber things that nobody
could really identify except that they were purchased in Japan
that time.
132: And upon these knowledgeable people was imparted knowledge, in
the form of Books.
133: There were annoying mind drugs of MOO, Discord, and How-To
Plumbing.
134: For a sink was clogged in the nether-world.
135: But that's neither here nor there.
136: For such is the nature of the nether-world.
137: And they did watch the parading of the MOOving pictures upons
the screen before them by the name of AKIRA.
138: And they did joyously partake of insulting these pictures.
139: And their taunts and cries did cause great enjoyment to those
around, and they were cheered.
140: And when the MOOvies were over, they did bow and take money in
from the audience... NOT!
141: And when the non-MOO Harizof had vanished into thin air, just
as had done folks in each of the MOOvies, there was much of a
consternation.
142: And then all of a sudden... Well, most of a sudden, anyway.
Well, some of a sudden....
143: What does a sudden look like, anyway? That's what I want to
know. Has anyone ever seen one?
144: Well anyway, they all left, and the MOOvies-Fest was ended.
145: And there was a breather.
146: Which was good, for if there hadn't been, they all would've
died.
147: On account of breathing is good for you. HONEST.
148: And the breather went on until the time came for another Fest.
149: And it was eventually decided in roundabout ways that the Fest
should be small, inviting only a few family mem... umm...
150: That it should be small, for Halfy was nowhere to be seen.
151: And indeed was it small, for though everyone showed up to
see THE WALL and HEAVY METAL, they did most verily not notice
each other, the crowd being so great.
152: And thus was the They-All-Missed-Each-OtherFest, which was
never recorded anywhere, for it failed miserably.
153: And there was a short pause while they collected their wits.
154: And soon enough there was the end of the year of MOOFests, and
it was determined that there should be one to mark the end of
the first year of the Holy Church of the Great MOO's latest
emergence into the world.
155: And so at 2:43:17.6 on the 21st of March, 135566 DPP did the
Preest Lloyd Taco enter into Dunn's Deli, having abandoned me,
his most P.Oed brother, at the Wendy's in the Rideau Center.
156: And with him were the two we had met, who had agreed to join
our most blasphemous Church (for they were MOOist Wiccans).
157: And they were called Handmaiden Gates and Cat Bondage.
158: For truly did they have strange tastes in names, being
wierdos. For each of them had chosen the name she wanted
most, of all the wierd names that did circulate in the Market
at that time.
159: And they did discover upon entry that there was a table most
verily reserved for them already, though they had not arranged
it. And it was miraculous.
160: And they did also discover a table most falsely reserved for
them, which they HAD arranged. And it was not miraculous.
161: And they did sit.
162: And they did wait for a while.
163: And at this time, Halfy awoke many kilometers away, for he had
overslept, the fool.
164: And so it transpired, back at the Deli, that Captain Cando had
showed up, strangely enough. And he and Sgt. MOOre were both
using the same body, as had long been suspected.
165: But no wombats did leap upon them, and neither did they leap
upon wombats, for no wombats were to be found.
166: And neither were there any printers to be found, until later
that evening. So it wasn't really quite so strange as the
first MOOFest until later, when the Peace Tower began to
speak.
167: But that's another story, and I'll get to that in a sec, okay?
168: Anyway.
169: WOWEE! Speaking of Wiccans... Check out the verse, dude!
170: Anyway, this is beside the point.
171: And as time passed there did arrive Mr. Slippery, whose
leaflets did truly suck, and Charon, and Oberon, and Mr. Canoe
Head, and Comrad Harizof, and Half-Mad, and Madness and
Terminal Entry, and Jesus, who sat at a table on the other
side, where none spotted him, and El Cid, and Longshot, and
the Disinterested Observer from Om Ceti, and one known as Lyds
(wierdo).
172: And so it was that many MOOists did fill up and overflow the
reservation most mysteriously made for them.
173: For whatever God or Goddess had made the reservation had
fucked up on the number.
174: And the MOOists did create slurries in glasses, which the most
blasphemous waitress did remove.
175: And the MOOists did feast upon food, which the most helpful
waitress did deliver unto them.
176: And they ate and read and congregated, and the most
dBLATTTressed waitress did leave her shift.
177: And so at 5:00:12 they did leave Dunn's and most truly split.
178: And they did visit the Rideau Center, where Lloyd, that stupid
fool, was ROLLED down a hallway. And they preached to the
masses and put the book on hard-drives in 'puter stores, until
the ones known as Security were called.
179: And since Atrox was working as Security, nothing much
happened.
180: And so they spent a good three-quarters of an hour, give or
take two minutes and twelve seconds.
181: And after returning to the Wendy's, where I was picked up (and
I manacled the blasphemous Lloyd to a chair for deserting me),
we went most ravenously forth unto Spark's Street to preach.
182: Only nobody was there, on account of it was evening, and cold,
this being Canada, after all, and what did I expect on the
first day of spring, WARMTH OR SOMETHING?
183: But NOOOOOO, the stupid WEATHER hadda get in the way, and we
couldn't FUCKING PREACH TO THE MASSES, DAMMIT!
184: Well that's just how it IS, when you live in CANADA, isn't it?
185: LAND OF BLOODY ICE AND BLOODY SNOW, INNIT?
186: NOT LIKE WE COULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED ANY BLEEDING GRASS OR
ROBINS BLOODY WELL CHIRPING ON THE FIRST DAY OF BLOODY SPRING,
EH?
187: Anyway.
188: We did retire unto the Parliament buildings, losing El Cid and
Longshot, and the Disinterested Observer along the way.
189: If found, please return to the Church Of MOO, 40 Grove Ave,
Ottawa ON, K1S 3A6.
190: And so we did toast marshmallows on the Eternal Flame, and
warm our chilled hands.
191: And we did spell out MOO on the ground just as the Peace Tower
began to chime 6:00:00.00ish.
192: And so it began to speak to us, for we had inhaled the fumes
of the Eternal Flame, speaking as it did about wombats and
where wombats live, and what they eat. At least, that's how
*I* remember it.
193: And we did offer mints to those who left the building.
194: And they did refuse, even though they were Free and also Made
In Canada.
195: For they had been brainwashed by the Evil Bung, Brian
Mulroney, at that time Prime MinBLATTTer of Canada.
196: For though he was evil (sometimes) and nasty (sometimes), at
least he didn't have a sweet tooth.
197: I think.
198: And truly did we return unto the Rideau Center, losing the Mr.
Slippery, who CLAIMED to have reserved our table for us.
199: And Handmaiden Gates and Cat Bondage and Mr. Canoe Head were
initiated into our ranks on the food court, for we are not too
proud to share our rituals with the public, like SOME
RELIGIONS I COULD MENTION!!!
200: Not to name any names.
201: And truly did Madness and Mr. Canoe Head and Terminal Entry
and Comrad Harizof (the pyro one) and Lyds and them
spontaneously combust, due to Harizof's incessant meddling.
202: And the rest of us, all seven who were left, seek out Halfy's
car, for he is overly fond of driving.
203: Ain't that just the way? The Handmaiden and Captain Cando got
the big Front Seat with Halfy, and the rest of us hadda squish
and squash to even BEGIN to fit in the back.
204: And Charon kept stealing MY hat, too.
205: And Oberon did complain that he had to leave (mostly on
account of how tiny he had to squeeze to fit in the seat) and
other horrendous plagues of that type did beset the MOOists.
206: And Charon did receive a most horrific bite on the head from
me when he stole my hat again.
207: Served him right, too.
209: And Cat Bondage did complain of sundry people jostling.
210: And so Halfy (who had replied "This Way" to "Where are we
going") came to a stop in Kanata, threw out Oberon, who was
whining, and we continued on our way.
211: And so we returned to Udduwah (the Great Capital) and did rest
at my home, where we most accidentally interrupted a rather
nice dinner party for a few moments before reaching the
temple.
212: For what can you do when people are invited to your home?
213: Anyway.
214: We then proceeded to the great MOOvie Freejack, which we did
observe until it was over, which we deemed a good time to stop
watching it, on account of it wasn't on anymore.
215: And, it being over, Charon did jump up and down, having
consumed so much caffeine we wondered why he didn't explode.
216: For 30 cups of coffee is too much for one night, even if 23 of
them are contained within Jolt Cola (Charon's Drink).
217: And it was true that as we did that hurtling-down-the-road-
and-lBLATTTening-to-loud-industrial-music bit, Charon was a
little agitated, though the back seat was still my undignified
lot.
218: And so I contrived to bring us to a Donut Shoppe so that I
might regain my Seat of Honour, in the front.
219: And it came to pass that in the course of this I accidentally
(HONEST) hit the Handmaiden in the eye with a decapitated
chicken made of rubber.
220: This sentence fell into this chapter from somewhere else, and
does not, in fact, belong here. This one, however, does, and
attests to the fact that the smacking-in-the-eye-with-a-
chicken-with-no-head was, in fact, an accidence. HONEST.
221: And so I was forced to purchase many many donuts to make up
for this most accidentally accidental accident which I had,
totally by accident, accidentally accidented.
222: And there was much eating of donuts, and explaining to Charon
that if he didn't stop bounding around, he couldn't stay
inside, and sitting on funny Donut Shoppe stools.
223: And it was explained to Charon about the mysteries of creation
and infinity, but he wasn't paying attention, being too
jittery.
224: And so it came to pass that the time was drawing to a close in
which I could still get that front seat.
225: So I made a break for it, and did truly get to ride there on
the way back from the Donut Shoppe.
226: And as for what became of Lloyd, he won't say, hitting me as
he does with a steel-plated decapitated wombat-chicken.
227: But hell, he got home, didn't he?
228: And so I knew nothing of what happened after that, for I
wasn't even there to record.
229: And thus was the first year of MOOFests at an end.
230: And here ends my recording of them.
Chapter 4. (The Book Of Answers)
1: The High Preest then said unto his followers one day,
2: I shall tell you the answers now.
3: But nobody was there, for he had few followers.
4: Then the High Preest, after the Great MOO had enlightened Saint
Yari, said finally one later day unto the MOOists,
5: I shall tell you the answers now.
6: And they asked what the questions were.
7: And the first question was
8: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood?
9: And the answer was
10: Thirty Million Kilograms.
11: And the second question was
12: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
13: And the answer was
14: Five Billion, Six Hundred Sixty-Two Million, Eight Hundred
Thirty Seven Thousand, Nine Hundred and Five.
15: And the third question was
16: How much ground could a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog
ground?
17: And the answer was
18: Seventy Hectares.
19: And the fourth question was
20: Why is a pig round?
21: And the answer was
22: Why not?
23: And the fifth question was
24: What is the meaning of life?
25: And the answer was
26: (CENSORED BY THE U.S. MILITARY) FNORD!
27: And the sixth question was
28: What is the MOO for?
29: And the answer was
30: Get lost, I'm tired of answering your stupid questions.
Chapter 5. (The Book Of The Tundra)
1: The High Preest did say to his vaguely following followers
the following words:
2: You ask, oh followingly following followers, the following
question: what the hell happened to the Tundra?
3: I shall tell you, oh followers, and attentest thee well, oh
you in the back, for I can see you falling asleep. HEY! You
in the back! Wake up! That's better.
4: Oh recall, friends, how in the gospel accordion to Saint Yari
the Tundra was destroyed by the Great MOO, well this is the
fuller-than-that-but-still-pretty-damn-empty story.
5: In the beginning was the Game, and the Game was Nomic, and
the Game grew bored of playing all on it's own
6: And the Great MOO created herself retroactively.
7: In this great retroactive creation was made the Game itself,
the Great MOO, and nothing else.
8: But soon, I tell you, the Great MOO became bored, as behooves
a Goddess with nothing to do.
9: And so it came to pass that the tundra and the Penguins were
made.
10: But even so, the Great MOO did yet again become bored. So the
Explosion was made to happen, albeit a bit reluctantly.
11: And so was the tundra shattered into an incredibly large number
of teeny tiny bits.
12: As told in the Gospel Accordion To Saint Yari, one of these
was round, and was called The Universe. In it lay The Earth,
which was also round.
13: And this Earth was given to Eris, as told in a sec, so don't
go away.
14: Another of the bits was taken by the Primordial Penguin and
in it were made the brood of Second Generation Penguins. And
one of these was Jehovah.
15: And the Second Generation Penguins did flee to Earth and live
in Antarctica, along with Jehovah.
16: And the son of Jehovah, being half-human and half-penguin,
was named ChrBLATTT (misnamed ChrBLATTT) and verily, oh my
friends, he was nailed to a tree.
17: What a sap.
18: And another part of the Tundra was Void-Shaped, and the Great
MOO did call it the Void, because the Great MOO wasn't one
to muck about with stupid names for things.
19: And out of the void were created, through the eternal wrestle
of the Void with itself, Eris and Aneris.
20: And Eris did take The Universe as her plaything, for she was
daughter Goddess of the Great MOO, and that was her right.
21: And Aneris did mope, but found another bit of the Tundra to
play with, and it was called Aneris's Plaything, on account
of Aneris didn't screw around with dumb names either.
22: Aneris's Plaything was a bit of the Tundra which happened to
be extremely boring.
23: Yet another bit of the Tundra was formed by the Great MOO by
Nomic Rule Number (Extremely High Number) into "BOB", her first
son.
24-28: [Consult information on "BOB" elsewhere in this book, or
any person belonging to the Church of the Sub-Genius.]
29: One bit of Tundra was formed by the Great MOO into QUACK, but
we don't like to talk about him.
30: And QUACK did gain his followers on the Earth.
31-34: [Consult the Book of QUACK for info on QUACKBLATTT.]
35: Verily indeed at the time of the making of QUACK did the
Great MOO turn her attention unto The Earth, and made Cow
into her own image.
36: And the Humans, who were ugly were-slugs, did crawl out of
the sea to see what was going on.
37: Truly was the Great MOO disgusted to see humans, so as a joke
she made a committee to design a GNU form, and the committee
was called Prophet Of MOO.
38: And the Prophet of MOO did create beer and draft and did
eventually design the form of humans, while thinking itself
to be a human as well.
39: And another bit of Tundra was the Hot Dog. But it got eaten.
40: A bit of the Tundra which was shaped like a Fire Hydrant, and
was consequently named the Fire Hydrant, fell to the Earth,
and split open, and there was truly a great floyd. Uh, I
mean flood.
41: And Jehovah, seeing that the flood might destroy his world,
did warn a man named "Noah" and his wife "Priscilla Presley"
of the flood, and they did gather animals in a great boat.
42: And Jehovah did wrestle with the Fire Hydrant for forty days
and forty nights, looking extremely silly.
43: Because the sight of a Fire Hydrant wrestling a Penguin was
so silly, the Fire Hydrant became a great Icon of MOO, and
many small models were built along streets and in cities, and
they were worshipped by MOOists with a mutter of MOO.
44: Noah's wife, Priscilla Presley, was born again to the same
name, many thousands of years later, but forgot all about
the business with the boat.
45: (TOP SECRET)
46: And a shower of infinitely many dust particles from the Tundra
did become named Souls.
47-55: [Consult Book of Really Secret Secrets for info on Souls]
56: And there were a whole bunch of others too, but I'm getting
bored of explaining it to you. There were infinitely many
of them, so there isn't really room here.
57: But truly were many Penguins survivors of the Great Explosion,
and being birds, they swallowed some of the Souls.
58: And many of these swallowed Godlike Souls of five or six
levels higher than humans.
59: And these became Gods, with such names as Jupiter,
Quetzalcoatl, Zeus, Xoccipetl, Odin, Thor, Vishnu, Hera,
Brahma, Athena, Venus, Tsuliwaensis, and many many others.
60: And one of these, whose name was, boringly, God, made a bet
with the others, and was reincarnated as a Human, the
lowest form of life they could think of (also the one that
came out of the hat, but that's another story).
61: And this God instantly changed his name to something much
longer, and did become the Great Prophet of MOO.
62: And the High Preest, well, that's another story entirely.
63: For the tale of how the High Preest came to be, while very
long and complicated, is not very interesting.
64: So spake the High Preest, warning that this whole story
would be repeated later in simplified format for the guy
in the back.
65: For the guy in the back had, against all warnings, fallen
asleep.
Chapter 6. (The Book Of Vague Threats)
3: The MOO did descend unto Earth, and Floyd did bite it, and
Halfy did say "Eh" and there was a great Wombat over the land,
and Floyd did say "Huh" and "Yeah verily" and other bible
things, and Halfy did bite the wombat, which was odd, because
it should go the other way around.
4: Thou shalt bloody well write in area 9 or thou shalt
spontaneously fall into a quantum matrix wormhole and thou
shalt forever fall unto the pit of more-or-less eternal
damnation of those who fail to smear themselves with caramel at
the Lord's command.
5: And truly as it was in the beginning shall it come to pass in
the end, and for as it was in the pluperfect, verily shalt it
be in the future subjunctive, and indeed will there be a great
horror upon the land, when cactusses, um, cackti... them
things roam free among the streets being made of foam rubber.
6: And truly shalt thou assBLATTT the cac... them things... in
their being-made-of-plastic-and-roaming-freely-about-the-
streets activities by creating foam rubber them things, or the
Great MOO shall frown upon you for the rest of your days. And
nights.
17: And as it was in the end, so it shall have sometimes been in
the beginning, and there will be a day of reckoning, and thou
shalt be accountable for King Kong's sins, for though he died
for yours, he forgot to die for his own.
23: And twelve bagels will descend on you, and chew the ligaments
from your flesh, and munch on your toenails, if you for one
minute forget to look both ways before crossing the street.
Chapter 7. (The Book Of Yo-Yo)
1: Before the beginning, there were no yo-yo tops.
2: And then, there was the beginning, and the birth of the
universe.
3: And still there were no yo-yo tops.
4: And then there came the middle.
5: And in the middle, there came the yo-yo.
6: For the God-thing Yo-Yo said, "Let us create yo-yo in our own
image", and so it did.
7: And saw that it was Karmic.
8: And verily did it say unto themselves, "Let me make this a
prayer unto us, so that whomsoever may spin it shall become
one of my devotees."
9: Only this didn't work too well, because everyone has beliefs
just like you do, and they're all right. You're WRONG, always.
10: And it's just like Namron to do a thing like that.
11: But then one day, the true Plan came into being.
12: For Floyd was yo-yoing his merry way through the Market when...
13: Acidhead... "Hey man, can I have your yo-yo?"
14: Floyd's buddy... "Uh oh..."
15: Floyd... "Why?"
16: Acidhead... "Because I'm on acid."
17: Floyd... "No, this is a special yo-yo."
18: Acidhead... "Why?"
19: Floyd... "It's a prayer-wheel yo-yo. Whenever it spins, it
sends a prayer to Yo-Yo, and increases my Karma."
20: Acidhead... "You have Karma?"
21: Floyd... "You bet yer prepackaged bananas."
22: Acidhead... "Where'd you get it?"
23: Floyd... "That Karma store around the corner, two blocks to
the left..."
24: Acidhead... "What's Karma?"
25: Floyd... "It's like jam for the soul. It comes in different
flavours, and depending on whether it's good or bad, you
reincarnate differently."
26: Acidhead... "So you can cast spells?"
27: Floyd... "No, I need to get more Karma for that."
28: Acidhead... "How?"
29: Floyd... "Practice. Gotta use the Karmic Yo-Yo. That's why
I need to keep it. Nothing personal."
30: Acidhead... "You're fucking with my head, man."
31: Floyd... "Guess I shouldn't do that, huh?"
32: Acidhead... "'Sokay."
33: And truly they shook hands, which the yo-yo made difficult, and
parted their separate ways.
34: For indeed, it is hard to part if you both go the SAME way.
35: And so it came to pass that one of them believed in yo-yo, and
the karmic power of the yo-yo.
36: We're just not sure which one.
37: Which is rather reassuring, really.FNORD!
Chapter 8. (The Book Of The Penguin)
(Being Partly For The Guy In The Back)
(Who Fell Asleep In Floyd 5:65)
1: In the beginning, there was Nomic, and the face of the Nomic
moved upon the waters of the deep.
2: And the Nomic made a Retroactive Rule, and saw that it was
good.
3: And the Nomic said "Let there be a Great MOO!"
4: Thus was the Great MOO created, and verily did the Great MOO
begin to play the game of the Nomic.
5: Indeed did the Great MOO create herself by the Nomic, and truly
was the Nomic pleased, and saw that it was good.
6: And the Great MOO, seeing that the world was without form, and
void, did say "Let there be a tundra!"
7: And verily was there a tundra. And the Great MOO did look on
the tundra, and saw that it was good.
8: But soon, the Great MOO saw that she had nobody to play Nomic
with, and did become dBLATTTraught.
9: And indeed did the Great MOO discover the Other. And the Great
MOO created herself a Great Idea. And the Great MOO proclaimed
"Let there be Penguins!"
10: And truly were there Penguins.
11: Indeed, one of these Penguins was the Primordial Penguin, and
this Penguin was smarter than the rest. And the Great MOO saw
this, and saw that it was good.
12: And indeed did the Great MOO take up playing the game of Nomic
with the Primordial Penguin, and did verily ordain the nature
of things.
13: So it came to pass that the world began to change itself, and
so through the game of Nomic was the world changed.
14: But soon the Great MOO decided that it was time to expand the
Game, and truly did she say "Let there be a world in which to
live!"
15: And indeed did the tundra become a world, and life became
possible, through the Great MOO.
16: Seeing this, the lesser Penguins would have rejoiced, but they
were only Penguins, and stupid.
17: And so the Penguins did not rejoice, but went on living as if
nothing had ever happened.
18: But the Great MOO saw this, and decided that it wasn't as good
as the other things, but it wasn't too bad.
19: So the Nomic continued, and through its continuance the world
became chaotic, and things became muddled and sort of confused.
20: But indeed did the Great MOO ponder this, and she saw that it
was good, if somewhat confusing for the poor Penguins.
21: In the end the Great MOO and the Primordial Penguin continued
the Game of Nomic, and they created the Souls of the world, and
the souls of the world were allowed to play the game.
22: So the souls of the world were divided unto their ranks, and
their ranks extended infinitely in both directions, for the
Penguin and the Great MOO were able to understand this
confusion.
23: And the Souls of the world play the game of Nomic to this day,
and they continue to change the world.
24: But soon the Great MOO decided enough was enough, and verily
she did create an explosion, using her MOO powers, granted to
her by herself, by the Nomic.
25: (TOP SECRET)
26: And verily did the Great MOO create an explosion, and the
tundra was scattered across the face of the world, and the
peices did become things.
27: And one of these things was round, and it was the Earth.
28: And one of these things was formless, and it was VOID.
29: And one of these things was a hot-dog, and it was eaten.
30: And one of these things was funny-looking, and it was laughed
at.
31: From the Earth, as told by Yari, was created humans, and Cows.
32: From the VOID was created Eris and Aneris, as told by
Discordians.
33: From the hot-dog was created nothing, as told by nobody
special.
34: From the funny-looking thing was created more Penguins, and
Jehovah, as told by the PenguinBLATTTs.
35: Also in this time were created by the Great MOO two sons, to
join in their play her two daughters Eris and Aneris.
36: The names of these sons were "BOB" and QUACK, as known to
MOOists.
37: And their tales are told elsewhere.
38: SO ENDS THE BOOK OF THE PENGUIN
Chapter 9. (The Book Of The Saints)
1: The High Preest did one day sit down while lBLATTTening to
Abbey Road on a set of earphones, and did ponder unto himself.
2: And the ways of his pondering were many and varied, but
generally ponderous and ponderish and ponderlike.
3: And he did think unto himself the idea that the Beatles had
made a great donation to MOO. Though he wasn't sure how.
4: Then he pondered it some more. And his ponderings were still
many, but somewhat less varied, and all of a ponderitious,
ponderous, ponderlike, ponderoid, ponderish, and ponderisk.
5: And he then said unto himself: "HEY! I GOT IT!"
6: And he then went on further unto himself and said such things
as the words which follow these ones here only not in this
verse because this verse is dedicated to explaining it's own
purpose after indicating that the words of the ponderitious
ponderings of the High Preest follow.
7: Unto himself said the High Preest: "I should stop talking unto
myself. It's silly, and makes me sound foolish."
8: Unto the world therefore said he: "The Beatles made a great
contribution to MOOism because they promoted free sex and a lot
of the other stuff, and without them, those things might not
have occurred to me."
9: Unto the world again said Floyd: "Yeah, okay. So other people
have supported that stuff, and a whole bunch did it before
them. But they were real famous, and got it all popularized.
And, besides... who's the Preest around here? Okay? Okay."
10: Then said the High Preest unto someone who wasn't there because
they probably got bored and left: "But John Lennon is dead...
Doesn't that qualify him to be a saint fourth class like Yari?"
11: And then he spake: "Yeah, what the hell... Why not?"
12: And then he decided unto himself that he would justify to
posterity, though not to his posterior, because it wasn't
lBLATTTening, why some of the saints exBLATTTed.
13: "Spaxter", he said unto the world, "is a fictional character of
interest. He's just so damn cool. LBLATTTen to Spaxter and
Spaxter-Back. You'll know why. Besides... I think Hellhound
made him a saint because of the neat gauntlet and all that neat
stuff. I'm not being very coherent, am I?"
14: And Eris spoke unto him for a fraction of a second only, saying
that no, he wasn't.
15: And he looked around confusedly.
16: "I don't know nothing about no Yossarian. He's someone from
Catch 22, I think. Ask Hellhound. Allright? I dunno.
Jeez. MOO!"
17: He neglected to mention Yari, on account of how that ought to
be obvious to everyone in the world with an ounce (or even a
gram) of common sense.
18: He also neglected to mention the others, because they were
pretty self-explanitory, and because he was getting bored.
19: He then realized that he'd only covered two of the hundreds of
thousands. And he sighed at the futility, and said MOO again.
20: Kinda metaphoric, innit?
21: Still, Floyd's just the kinda guy who gives up easily.
22: He ignored St. Feynmann, though, who was brilliant and weird,
who stole a door at MIT, and when asked if he did it, said YES.
23: They still didn't believe him, though.
24: Damn shame he croaked.
25: Still, his Nobel Prize brought the richly deserved recognition
to utter silliness and practical jokiness.
26: And St. Fuller (Or St. Bucky, as he's affectionately called),
did Floyd (the great lout) also annoy.
27: Even though he was cool.
28: For he realized the importance of Synergy.
29: And built the Dymaxion Car. And Geodesic Domes.
30: Which was maybe not so good, because the Xennothemians used a
St. Fuller Dome to try to take over the world.
31: But St. Fuller, Synergy-Lord A La Extraordinaire, made possible
all sorts of understanding and mystical import things like that
there, which was all to the good.
32: Only, since I'm also Floyd, I'm a-gonna give up here.
33: Just as metaphoric the second time.
34: Or even metaphyvic.
35: Or thurtyphyvic.
Chapter 11. (First Book Of Evil)
1: And one day it came to pass that there was an evil blight upon
the land.
2: And verily was it evil.
3: And a blight.
4: Oh, and did I mention that it was upon the land?
5: Thought so.
DOWN WITH
Chapter 12. (Second Book Of Evil)
1: So anyways, there was this blight, see, and it was evil.
2: And the people did lament, for it did seem as though the evil
Bung was to be Secretary General of the United Nations, and
verily did they think that to be a catastrophe.
3: And truly were they upset.
4: Then one day came a strange man unto the land of Udduwah, and
he did bring the teachings of Bung to the people, and they did
say unto each other these words:
5: "Hey, this makes a lot of sense you know, man!"
6: And the people did abandon the ways of supply-side economics,
and taxable returns, and they were fruitful, and were merry.
7: Then one day there came a hideous winter on the land of
Udduwah, and every person of that land was cold and did shiver,
and made BRRRR noises.
8: And finally did a woman speak with the wisdom of her kind,
saying that it was the work of the Great MOO, and that the
acceptance of Bung was the cause of this.
9: And truly was it spoken by this woman, whose name was Mila,
that supply-side economics were the only true words of the
Great MOO.
10: And Mila did stand upon a great hill upon which there stood a
large building with a green roof, and a flame burning verily
from the very water that did flow from a fountain.
11: And amidst this splendour did Mila speak to the people of the
holy city of Udduwah, and did tell them of the truths of MOO.
12: For Mila had knowledge of That Evil Guy, and did prate unto
those who would lBLATTTen that the Evil One was to blame for
the economic misfortunes of the country in which stood the holy
city.
13: And indeed were the economic times harsh, for the Prime Rate
stood at only 3.6%, and verily were no investors interested
in borrowing.
14: And indeed had the dollar slumped to less than 82.3 cents per
U.S. dollar, and the trading volume of the market was down 54%
from the predicted norm for that financial quarter.
15: "Oh lBLATTTen," said the wise Mila, with the wisdom of her
ages.
16: "Oh lBLATTTen, that thou mayest understandeth the factth of
thith motht important matterst."
17: And truly did Mila remove a cat hair from her mouth, knowing
that it did make her talk like a fool.
17: And Mila did puzzle for a moment, for truly had she forgotten
what she was saying.
18: "Oh yeah," spake Mila the Wise unto the people of Udduwah, who
were assembled on the great Hill of the magical fire.
19: "Oh yeah," spake she, remembering now what she was speaking on,
for truly had the memory been taken from her mind by the Evil
One.
20: "Learn ye now the ways of the Evil One, that ye may avoid them,
for truly is the Evil One a tory, and truly shall ye be bitten
by the ways of the tories if ye not know their ways."
21: But Mila lost her wisdom to the Evil One, and she spake at
great length on matters economic and financial, political and
hBLATTToric, and she lost her train of thought, for her soul
had been taken unto the very pit of the Evil One.
22: And thus ended the events of the second book of Evil.
23: This line does not belong here, but fell in from another
chapter entirely.
Chapter 13. (Third Book Of Evil)
1: Know ye the ways of evil, that ye may avoid them.
2: Firstly, know that Bung shall approach you in the guise of
truth, covering lies.
3: Know also that the Evil One shall speak when thou least
expecteth him to be speaking at you, that clever little bugger.
4: Know even more also that the Evil One is also a MOOist, for
truly is everyone a MOOist anyway.
5: And indeed, shalt thou follow the words of the Evil One, if
they seemeth reasonably reasonable to you.
6: However, thou art not to lBLATTTen to the words of the Evil
One, for they are truly evil, and thou musteth not, um,
lBLATTTen to evil stuff.
7: Like heavy metal music.
8: That's REALLY evil.
9: Yup.
10: And verily is the evil one manifest in the world in many ways,
for not only is "The Evil One" a title of MOO, but also is the
Evil One an evil, um... one.
11: And thou shalt cast out Bung from thy heart, for Bung is not
very nice. And is evil.
12: And truly shalt thou not accept him in any way shape or form,
for verily doth he disguise himself as a friend, and as the
truth.
13: But know you now the true form of Bung, for he is shapethed
like a rock, and rock-shaped is he, being of the shape similar
to and very much like a rock, as is a rock.
14: And when thou seeth Bung, shalt thou raise him on high and
speak unto the Great MOO, saying these words:
15: "Hey, look, I found a rock."
16: And then truly shalt thou put Bung back where thou foundethest
him, being the place where thou were doing the finding of him,
and his place where he was when thou found him.
17: And if in this way thou casteth all thoughts of the Evil One
from thy heart shalt thou genuinely and honestly be blessed.
18: But know you now that the Evil One will come in many guises
other than that of a rock, for truly is That Evil Guy
everywhere.
19: That Evil Guy may verily be manifested as a prime-minBLATTTer
of thy country, or a president of someone else's.
20: If thou perceiveth this to be the caseth, thou shalt be urged
on by little voices in thy head to leap from cliffs or to slit
thy wrBLATTTs.
21: But ignoreth thou these voices, for they are servants of That
Evil Guy, for truly are his servants everywhere.
22: And those voices which tell you to kill people, they are
servants of the Evil Person.
23: And those voices which speak unto you, saying these words:
24: Come one, wake up, it's time to get up!
25: Thou shalt also ignore these voices, for truly is it written,
and it's written right here, in fact, that the servans of the
Evil One are everywhere.
26: Indeed, any voice which speaketh to you is a servant of the
Evil One, and thou should kill it.
27: Honest.
28: And having said these words, we move on to a parable.
29: A parable.
30:
31: Did you see it?
32: Parable, n. 1) A discourse, tale, story, speech, comparison,
teaching, laying side-by-side of, analogy, proverb. From Gk,
para- (beside) bole (a throw), thus, placing beside.
33: 2) A comparison, similitude. Saying something to demonstrate
a point. See also, parable.
34: And now...
35: THE PARABLE:
36: Once upon a time, there was a wise old MOOist who lived in the
mountain, and owned much in the way of frozen deli meats, which
was maybe not quite so wise as it might have been, but on the
whole, he was fairly wise.
37: And one day, a seeker of knowledge went unto this wise old man
so that he might ask him of the truth, and demand an answer to
the nature of evil.
38: This was because the seeker was a fool, and kept thinking about
that kind of thing all day, and didn't understand the purpose
of MOO.
39: And this wise old MOOist, whose name was Joshu, lBLATTTened to
the seeker as his questions.
40: Then the MOOist spoke, telling the seeker what evil was.
41: And the words of the MOOist were these:
42: "Well, evil is, um... It's like, when stuff isn't very nice,
and it's bad. Okay, so like, evil is not good."
43: For verily was the old MOOist not so wise as he said he was.
44: But then the seeker went to another MOOist, who also lived in
those mountains.
45: And this second MOOist was even wiser than the first, for she
had some vague notion about what evil was all about.
46: And the seeker went unto the second MOOist, and asked her what
was the nature of evil, and whether he could have a box of
rasinettes.
47: (This commercial message not yet paid for by Rasinettes INC.
It is the duty of all MOOists to pester the people who make
them and remind them that they have an outstanding debt to the
Church Of MOO.)
48: And the wise MOOist did look around for some rasinettes, and
when she had found them, did return to speak to the seeker on
what evil is.
49: And her words were wise ones.
50: Or, um, well, the WORDS weren't particularly wise, but the
stuff she was talking about was wise. Or at least, the ideas
she was referring to were products of a wise mind when it was
being wise.
51: Her words were these:
52: "Evil is like a box of rasinettes. It's sort of glossy
cardboard on the outside, with a whole bunch of chocoloate-
coated raisins inside."
53: And the seeker was confused.
54: Which makes sense, since those were actually pretty damn stupid
words, when you think about it.
55: I mean, what would raisinettes be doing in an Evil?
Raisinettes are the food of the Great MOO, when she's not
munching on grass.
56: (This has been yet another example of why Raisinettes INC.
should pay us lots of money.)
57: Okay, so the parable was stupid.
58: Umm...
59: Okay, I have an idea. Here's a better way to explain what evil
is supposed to be. Suppose you have two people.
60: And one of these two people is a MOOist, and one of these two
people is a servant of the Evil One.
61: The MOOist will be nice to Bung until Bung does something
nasty.
62: But BUNG will be evil right away.
63: Does that help?
64: Didn't think so.
65: Okay, look. BUNG is evil, because BUNG isn't MOO, and anything
that isn't MOO is Evil. Never mind that Bung is a category of
MOOism. EVERYTHING is a category of MOOism.
66: Umm. No, forget I said that. Scratch Floyd 13,65 from memory.
67: I have a better idea.
68:
69: Wait for it! WAIT FOR IT!
70:
71: There's no such thing as Evil. They're all just different
sides of the same thing.
72: ...
73: That saves a lot of explanation, anyway.
Chapter of sayings.
Confuse-Ius once say "If you break a mirror, don't eat the silver."
ConfuCOWse-Ius once say "If you kick the bucket, you will stub your toe."
Confuse-I ---DEATH TO ALL--- us once say "Biting the bullet is the best
way to solve iron-deficiency."
Confuse-Ius twice say to me "If you do that again, I break your other arm."
Confuse-Ius say many times "@#!YU!#*&$#"
Confuse-Ius once say to lamppost "Your mother was a totem pole."
Confuse-Ius once say "Never Eat Shredded Wheat."
Confuse-Ius once say "When opportunity knocks, nobody's home."
Confuse-Ius once say "If you're happy you'll get over it."
Chapter 14. (Yet ANOTHER Book Of EvilFNORD!)
1: A long, long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...
2: There sat a small annoying mind drug, which was titled The
Great Book Of MOO.
3: And truly, it was kinda like this one, you know? Only it
wasn't quite so nicely edited, and it was a little shorter, and
the binding was laced with red string.
4: And printed upon the pages of this book was the stupidest pile
of nonsense that the Great MOO did ever lay eyes on, and she
did wonder why she even bothered to get up some mornings.
5: It then occurred to her that she didn't, for she was always
awake and was real omniscient and everything like that.
6: Which was cool.
7: So she thought unto herself that she should make this annoying
mind drug a book of Evil, so that all might see it for what it
was, and make silly faces at it so that it might feel
embarrassed.
8: And verily was it a decree of the Great MOO that all must look
upon a book entitled The Great Book Of MOO with dBLATTTaste.
9: For truly is that book a book of great Evil, being written by
That Evil Guy.
10: And so it came to pass that the Great Book Of MOO became a book
of Evil, and its followers all Evil.
11: So you'd better all follow THIS Great Book Of MOO, for it is
the only real one. Any Book that claims otherwise is lying.
KILL IT!
12: And so you must see the followers of these books for the silly
people that they are.
13: For though you are silly too, you shouldn't jump to conclusions
about which silly is a GOOD silly, and which is planted by
BUNG.
14: And when meetest thou a follower of Evil, accosteth him thusly:
15: "Yo! Evil person! I know you're Evil, so there's no point
even trying to hide it! YES YOU! Stop being Evil or ELSE!"
16: And if the Evil one says "Or else what?" thou shalt welcome
that Evil one as actually being a MOOist in disguise.
17: And if the Evil One sayeth not "Or Else What?" thou shalt also
welcome that Evil One as actually being a MOOist in disguise,
and stop pretending there's such a thing as Evil.
18: But if the Evil One does neither of these two things, thou
must accost him thus:
19: "In the name of someone or other, STOP BEING EVIL!"
20: Repeateth thou this behaviour until the Evil Bung stops being
so Evil anymore, and there's no such thing.
21: And thus ended the proclamation of the Great MOO.
22: And the Penguin did grin, and the MOOists did all feast upon
carp and ocelots and breakfast cereals, and celery with this
sort of curry-salsa hot sauce, which actually tastes much
better than it sounds.
23: Honest.
Chapter 15. (Book Of Infiltrations)
1: Speaking of EVIL.
2: The Holy Church of the Great MOO is the target of a LOT of
Evil.
3: They can't wait to get their grubby hands on us.
4: The CapriCancers, the Xennothemians, the Conspiracy. All of
'em.
5: They know our destiny, so they try to INFILTRATE!
6: You're not a secret infiltrator, ARE YOU?
7: Hmm.
8: The Xennothemians got Lloyd, my brother.
9: A thing came out of his stomach. Or maybe he pupated. I
forget.
10: Anyway, he was taken over by aliens. That's the main thing.
11: They snuck some bullshit into this book, but we dunno what.
12: And the CapriCancers.
13: Not ONLY can they not decide when they were born, they're EVIL.
14: They got Leper Messiah, one of our earliest and silliest.
15: They warped his mind.
16: And made him think silliness was "fuckin' stoopid".
17: They ALMOST got Hellhound 101.
18: They make us turn against one another, for paranoia.
19: They use evil mind-control laser things.
20: From the Kremlin, yeah, the Kremlin! The commies weren't using
the gear anymore, so the aliens and CapriCancers got it!
21: To try to destroy us!
22: But you won't let THAT happen, will you?
23: Didn't THINK so.
Chapter 16. (Book Of The Future)
1: So one day, the Penguin spoke to the Earth. And the words
which He spoke were long and many, but can be summarized.
2: And he claimed that they were agreed-to by the Great MOO, but
the Great MOO refused to make comment.
3: And it was unknown at the time whether this was agreed-on stuff
or not. But the Penguin claimed that it was why the Great MOO
had given the word of MOO unto humans, and not just Cows.
4: But this is unclear.
5: At any rate...
6: (MIDDLE SECRET)
7: So the words of the Penguin was transcribed by the unknowing
Grate Profit of the Penguin, who made it known by strange means
involving grape jelly unto a man named Hans.
8: And Hans did sort of write down some of it in his own vague
way.
9: And the conclusion was frightening, but he wasn't frightened,
because Hans wasn't easily scared.
10: And the words were something approximately like these:
11: Some day, the Universe, this tiny bit of Tundra in which we
live, near many infinities of other Universes, will die a
heat-death.
12: And verily shall Entropy and other evil demons take posession
of it and it shall sort of wind down and sputter to a halt.
13: And truly, this shall be a manifestation of the goddess Eris
and her brother QUACK. For together they broke the Universe.
But this is of no importance, for QUACK shall drop it on the
floor anyway.
14: But the word of MOO as carried by the Humans and the Cow is a
unique word of MOO, and must escape. Mustn't it? Kinda sorta?
15: So it is thus the will of the Great MOO that the Humans devise
for themselves a way to escape the Universe, so that they may
spread the word unto the other Universes.
16: And to do this, it is proposed that they must do something.
17: Which makes sense, because you can't really get something done
without doing anything, can you?
18: Well, actually, you can, and the way you do it is
19: (TOP SECRET)
20: So there's no point, really, is there?
21: So, while all other beings that inhabit the Universe also carry
their truth of the Word of MOO and the Penguin, Humans too must
escape the breaking of the Universe.
22: And the thing that they must do to do this is rather
complicated and hard to describe, but fairly important anyway.
23: And it is said by the unconfirmed Penguin that this is why He
and She spread their Word unto us, so that we may do this.
24: But the Penguin may just be doing this as part of the Great
Nomic Game, for the ways of the Penguin are mysterious, though
not as mysterious as the ways of the Great MOO, or the Fire
Hydrant, who sprays water on things for no good reason.
25: Well, except that it puts out fires if they get too dangerous.
26: But then, some MOOists might object to that.
27: The Penguin doesn't care, and CLAIMS that the Great MOO
doesn't.
28: Everything is true, however. So what he says MUST be true...
29: See? See? SEE?!?!?
30: At any rate, the point is, what Humans and Cows and Penguins
(and Wombats and Emus and Pine Trees) must do to escape this
universe is Evolve.
31: For this is in the way of Nomic. It changes. And so, as with
the Game, so with Life, change will happen. Won't it?
32: Anyway, to evolve faster, says the Penguin (and a rutabaga) the
thing to do is have as many different things all at once, and
keep changing everything, so that the best stuff can be
collected together to help in this task.
33: And this is why the Church of MOO exBLATTTs. For our Holy Duty
is too keep changing so that we can spread the word as a
wakened person spreads butter on toast in the morning. Unless
the person doesn't like toast, in which case they sometimes
spread butter on a pancake.
34: Or maybe, if they don't like butter, they spread JAM on their
toast.
35: So anyways, the Church of MOO exBLATTTed only to be different,
and for no other reason, to shake up the minds of those around
from settling like silt, or like that icky stuff at the bottom
of a jar of Honey when it begins to crystalize.
36: And by changing all the time, and only by this sacredest of all
Nomicness things and such, uh, stuff like that there what I
said, can we do that thing that I said before.
37: (NOT REALLY SECRET AT ALL, JUST NOT WRITTEN DOWN HERE)
38: And so it is for this reason (so says the Penguin) that we play
Nomic and Calvinball, and that we try not to be consBLATTTent.
39: But it is important to have some people who know all kinds of
scientific things, for this is one way we may evolve. Maybe.
40: At least, this is how the Penguin claims we must behave to
escape the Heat-Death.
41: We have no proof of this, and neither the Penguin nor the Great
MOO will explain why we would WANT to spread the Word to other
Universes.
42: And the Moral of the Story is, you can't really trust a God or
Goddess to give you the whole story.
43: For verily, you probably wouldn't understand it anyway, for it
is all in the Nature of the Game to be strange, and require us
to do things we don't understand.
44: But after all, the Game is democatic. You had your say.
45: What are you complaining about?
46: So C'MON, you dimwit, get out there and EVOLVE for the sake of
MOO!
47: And, like, play Nomic, and do stuff different ALL THE TIME, eh?
48: Uh. Yeah, that.
49: C'mon. Stop reading. This book is OVER, man!
50: THE END! OKAY?! THERE ISN'T ANY MORE!
51: ...
52: Oh, wait! I forgot the most important part!
53: The reason for the saints and stuff! And, like, short term, uh
that stuff there.
54: Now, yea and verily, the next bit is the actual last part of
the book of The Future.
55: The reasons for the saints are partly what is said above, but
even more important is the reason for the choosing of Saint
Lennon.
56: And truly did this revelation come unto the Spokesperson To
The Primordial Penguin, in that capacity, but was considered
important enough to be a MOO thing. Like.
57: And verily, this reason was in the nature of his music. For
the music of the Beatles is always different.
58: And indeed does it change muchly from song to song.
59: Ayup.
60: And this is good, for truly does it free the mind.
61: And this came from much meditation on the Sgt. Pepper album,
Abbey Road, and Penny Lane, for truly are those the coolest
albums they ever made.
62: Except the White Album.
63: And yet none of them other Beatles are dead!
64: But truly is it spoken that change is not the only good thing.
65: For in order to evolve, it is necessary to keep some things the
same, and to have some kind of continuation.
66: Or something.
67: So truly should we change things when we can, but not too
often.
68: And verily, the Church of MOO shall change, as shall the Temple
Of the Primordial Penguin. And yet these changes shall not be
rushed, for they just woke up, and haven't had their coffee
yet.
69: And, well, this is the true part of the Book Of MOO.
70: (CENSORED)
71: Or so it says of itself, anyways.
72: But then, so does the rest.
73: Ah, hell, who cares? EVERYTHING is true! (And untrue!)
74: And this really IS the end of this book.
75: Honest.
76:
77:
78:
79:
80:
81-89: [CENSORED]
90: WHAT? Are you *STILL* here? Get on with the next chapter,
will ya?
Chapter 23. (Book Of Stone Carvings)
1: Once upon a wombat, in the world of said wombat,
4: There lived a Hellhound >101<
9: Who has nothing to do with this story.
16: But who did inscribe a Halfy on a rock.
25: He did this in the land of the Gerbil.
36: Which is known as Gobi.
49: And the Halfy was a "W", for Wombat.
64: For truly that is what it actually means.
81: For "W" is the 23rd letter.
Chapter 24. (The Book Of LBLATTTs)
1: LBLATTTlessness
1: WBLATTTfully gazing.
2: Hey, mBLATTTer, can you spare ten bucks for a cuppa coffee?
3: It was a mBLATTTy morning in Scotland.
5: TwBLATTT my rubber arm, why dontcha?
8: Burrito Twelve.
13: Merry ChrBLATTTmas and a HAPPY HAPPY GNU Year!
21: Everyone is happy in a charBLATTmatic dictatorship.
34: Newton split light into spectra with a prBLATT.
55: SchBLATT.
89: This is pointless.
Chapter 25. (Book Of Letters, Numbers, and Animals)
2: Emu.
3: Q.
5: Wombat.
7: Z.
11: Rhinoceros.
13: U.
17: Tyrannosaurus Rex.
19: Omega.
23: Platypus.
29: A.
31: Felix Domesticus.
37: Q again.
41: Burrito 12.
Chapter 40. (Book of Inane Comments)
1: And the High Preest did make comment upon the weather.
2: And the words of his commenting about the weather were dumb,
inane, and foolish, but yea and verily are they reproduced in
this book, because, hey! why not?
3: The words of the High Preest were something along the lines of
these (though not really all that exact, y'know?):
4: "Gosh it's hot. It's kinda hot today, you know? Uh... yea and
verily and that stuff, eh?"
5: "Yes indeedy, there is a high pressure region over this area of
the country right now, and that, combined with the angle of
sunlight incident... well, it's DAMN hot, eh?"
6: And verily, everyone did look at the High Preest as if he were
a fool.
7: But this was nothing new, so he ignored it, and hopped up and
down on one leg, flapping his arms like a bird and making
Goose-Noises.
8: And when he was asked "What's with the goofy dance, you moron?"
he did stop, think about it for a sec, and return to his inane
comments about the weather that day in the Wombat World.
9: And his comments, though equally stupid as the last ones, are
even so reproduced in here.
10: And he continued to say how hot it was, until everyonegot fed
up, and threw buckets of water on him, and he did become wet
with the wetness of the water that had been in the buckets
until it stopped being there and started being on him.
11: And he said "Gosh it's wet today."
12: And everyone sighed and went home.
13: The High Preest stood alone, and spake unto himself like a
schitzo.
14: And the words of his speaking unto himself were these:
15: "Oh well."
16: And then he finished off a final inane comment, saying:
17: "Hey, wait a sec... Penny Lane wasn't an album!"
18: And fell on a honker-horn and broke a rib.
Chapter 41. (Book Of Cow Catapulting)
1: Atrox, the servant oh the Great Cow, has spoken, saying:
2: "Yo. I can get a cow."
3: And the MOOists applauded long and loud, saying:
4: "We're happy and boy are we ever rejoicing."
5: And indeed did he fetch forth a cow, and indeed was the cow
magnificent.
6: But zoning regulations forbade the entrance of this cow unto
the city, and the MOOists did become angered at the demon
zoning regulations.
7: And indeed was the cow heavily camouflaged, and hidden secretly
from the police, or, as they were known in those days, the
Fuzz.
8: But verily, yea, and man this is true, swear on my mother's
eyes, the cow was not permitted to be catapulted at the Prime
MinBLATTTer during his speech.
9: And the idea of catapulting a Holy Cow, neat as it was, was
given up.
10: And the MOOists did hold their first true MOOFest.
11: Only not really.
12: Because this is only a story.
13: And a MOOFest has never actually happened.
Chapter 42. (The Book Of The Trial Of Quack)
1: And it came to pass that in the land of the Wombat, the High
Preest of MOO met the false prophet of Quack.
2: And the High Preest cam unto the False Prophet and a trial came
to pass.
3: And though great hardships were bestowed upon him by beavers
and bricks and wombats and aliens, the High Preest held the
trial
4: And the High Preest became Judge, Jury, Prosecutor and
Executioner, for he was ruler and his cause was just.
5: And the QUACKBLATTTS were led unto the High Preest's throne in
the Wombat World, all the time screaming heresies from their
lips against MOO.
6: And the names of the heretics were read, and they were these:
I Yemen-Oying
E Izzan-Oying
U Aaron-Oying
and D Aaron Oying
7: And the High Preest spake unto the False Prophet, saying
"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!... uh... are we on camera?"
8: And the Oying brothers did nod, grinning.
9: And the High Preest grinned sheepishly.
10: And the High Preest got fed up with starting each verse with
"and".
11: The High Preest spaked unto the False-Nose Profit of QUACK
saying "So who's your lawyer?"
12: I Yemen-Oying did speak unto the High Preest.
13: The words of the annoying one were these:
14: "Whather-BLOODY-hell is it to you, wombat nose!?!"
15: The High Preest looked at the False-Nose-In-The-Book
Profit-Margin-Of-Error quizzically.
16: The High Preest spake again, saying "Okay. You're guilty
then."
17: And the two followers of the False-Nose-In-The-Book-About-
Land-Mines-Profit-Margin-Of-UNDEF'D-STATEMENT-ERROR-IN-66304,
named U Aaron-Oying and E Izzan-Oying started up a sing song.
18: They sungst these words: "There ain't no God but Quack!" over
and over again until the High Preest threwst a brick at them.
19: I Yemen-Oying spoked then unto the High Preest, saying "We
represent ourselves."
20: The High Preest looked over his glasses at the followers of the
False-Nose-In-The-Annoying-Mind-Drug-About-Land-Miner's-
UnionBLATTT-Strikes-Back-Stabbing-Profit-Margerine-Of-Error-
In-Line-Curve-Or- Circle-Back-To-Where-You-Start-Over-Again...
uh... where was I?
21: And the High Preest spoke unto those guys there, saying "He who
defends himself has a fool for a client. So you're a fool, and
would do such horrible things as this HEINOUS crime you've been
accused of. GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"
22: And the Oying brothers stoodeth dumbfoundedly, and the High
Preest snickered... and Mars Barred.
23: The heretics were taken from the court then, and, for their
evil, heinous, and not at all nice ways, devoured by the
Doubter Circle of MOO.
24: But at the end, they did chant songs of their False Gods,
saying these things:
25: "We shall resurrect! For though our Gods don't exBLATTT, MAN
are they powerful and nice to their followers!"
26: "We shall overco-o-o-o-me! We shall overco-o-o-o-o-me!"
27: "Hey look! It's Elvis! Oh well, it
was worth a try.
28: "We will be back! Sha-na-na-na! Sha-na-na-na! Hey, hey,
hey... GOODBYE!"
29: And the High Preest respondeth "Bye."
30: In this way did Floyd Gecko, the High Preest, bring down the
heretics of QUACK.
31: For truly it is written down somewhere. I just can't find it
right now. I'll give it to you tomorrow. I swear.
Chapter 43. (There Is No Chapter 43)
1:
2:
3:
Spam
Chapter 69. (The Book Of Logic)
1: To Prove: Jesus was a Puerto-Rican Voodoo-Surfer.
2: 1) Jesus had long hair. Surfers have long hair.
3: 2) Jesus walked on water. Surfers walk on water.
4: 3) Jesus acted strangely. Surfers act strangely.
5: 4) Jesus was mellow. Surfers are mellow.
6: Ergo: Jesus was a surfer, by Floyd's Law of Likelihood. FNORD!
7: 1) Jesus raised from the dead. Voodoo raises from the dead.
8: 2a) Jesus had a Puerto-Rican name.
9: 2b) Puerto-Rico is in Latin America.
10: 2c) Voodoo is common in Latin America.
11: Ergo, Jesus was a Puerto-Rican Voodoo-Guy. Q.E.D.
12: The story is as follows...
13: One fine day, Jesus set out on a transatlantic surf-o-thon.
14: Eventually he entered the Mediterranean, and went to Judea.
15: There, his strange Puerto-Rican-Voodoo style drew attention.
16: He used it to bring followers to his mellow way of life.
17: He preached his SurferPhilosophyTM and founded a cult.
18: It got WAAAAAY out of hand.
19: And that's the way it is.
20: Can't argue with logic.
21: Anope.
Chapter 101. (The Book Of)
1: Note: This chapter has been cleaned by the U.S. Military.
57: And truly was it nifty.
105: And he did be being spokifying unto the people assembled
there, and was did having been being saying being unto them
the word which did be having been were about to be being
escaping his lips.
256: Wow.
1729: Umm...
1000000000: Long book, eh?
Chapter 125. (The Book Of The Heresy Of The Hound)
7: And it was deemed "uncool" to throw Pudding.
13: And yet Hellhound >101< was determined to be a Pudding Culter.
15: For he was He Who Has Nearly Come Face To Face With The Great
Pudding Itself But Slept Through The Whole Thing.
28: But it was no use.
31: For the Hound had censoring equipment.
Chapter 216. (The Book Of Paradoxes)
1: And it one day came to pass in the land of the Wombat that
there was a sentence.
2: And the sentence was untrue.
3: And the sentence was cast out from its friends and molested by
small furry animals for its heinous falsehood.
4: And the sentence was this one.
5: But verily unto that sentence there came a revelation, which
was very revealing, as it is the nature of revelations to be.
6: And the revelation was that the sentence did not exBLATTT.
7: And yet verily unto that sentence there came oblivion.
8: There is no 8.
9: Truly, said one man unto another man, when the great Noah saved
us all from the Bungicious Fire Hydrant, he did a good deed.
10: And the second said,
11: "That doesn't belong in this chapter!"
12: And verily was what he said both true and false, as it is with
most stupid things that don't really matter anyway.
13: And verily did there end the stupid book of Paradoxes, for it
was a dumb idea to begin with, and doesn't even exBLATTT in
this version.
Chapter 217. (Second Book Of Paradox)
1: In the beginning was the end, and in the end was the beginning,
and so went the word of the one whom the words spoke.
2: In the end was the end, though the beginning hadn't happened
yet.
3: And so I went unto the house of a trickster, who was known for
her hobby of hiding eggs, and I proclaimed that I could find
any egg she could hide.
4: And so she said unto me these words:
5: You may be able to find an egg, but you may not suspect where
it lies.
6: And I replied unto her, saying this:
7: With my unlimited knowledge, I can anticipate the lair of any
egg which you may squirrel away.
8: And this upset the trickster, for her life was based on hiding
eggs so well that nobody could find them.
9: And so she went and fetched ten boxes, and told me that she
would hide the egg, and that I was to open the boxes in order,
from the first to the last, and in doing even that I would not
be able to predict the location of the egg.
10: So I said unto the trickster,
11: Hide the egg now, and I will turn away.
12: And I turned and thought, and a realization came unto me.
13: For I saw that the egg could not be in the last box, for if I
was to open the other nine, and find it in none, I would not be
at all surprised.
14: And knowing that the egg could not be in the last, if I opened
the first eight, finding the egg nowhere, I would anticipate
the ninth.
15: And I saw that this continued to the very first, which was the
only possible hiding spot of the egg, and I smiled, knowing
that I had won.
16: So the trickster told me to turn again, and I saw the boxes
lined up on the table between us, and she was sitting across
from me, watching.
17: So I opened the first box, knowing that the egg was in there,
but lo, the egg was absent, and I frowned.
18: So I opened the second box, and seeing that the egg was not
there, my puzzlement increased, for as I opened each box, I was
more sure that the egg was in the last ones.
19: But lo, as I opened each box, no egg was to be found, and when
the last box was open, and I found no egg, I looked up from the
boxes and stared at the trickster.
20: And she pushed the egg in my face.
21: So it came to pass that I was humbled in my quest for
knowledge, knowing that I could not even predict the behaviour
of an egg.
22: So I wiped the egg from my face, and told the trickster some
wise words which I knew from long ago:
23: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
24: And I told her of my quest for knowledge of everything.
25: And the trickster smiled.
26: She asked me then if I thought I could hide an egg so well that
she would not be able to find it, and I said I thought I could.
27: So she gave me the boxes in which to hide the egg, saying that
I might hide the egg in any of the boxes, mix them up as much
as I liked, and she would find it.
28: I laughed, and put the egg in a box. She turned, and I removed
the egg, as she had done. Then I thought. She knew that I
would remove the egg, for it was her own trick.
29: So I painted a spot on the egg, so that she would not fool me
again, and then I put the egg back in the box, and mixed them
up.
30: She turned, and arranged the boxes back in a row.
31: She pointed to the first, and said there was no egg. And there
was no egg inside. She did the same to the second, and to the
third, and to the fourth.
32: Skipping the fifth, she predicted that there would be no egg in
any of the others, and flipped them open, and there was no egg.
33: Finally, she said there would be no egg in the fifth, and I
smiled, knowing that she thought I had taken the egg away.
34: Then, from her pocket, she took the egg, and I saw that it had
a spot painted on it, just as I had done, and I knew that she
had fooled me yet again.
35: So I turned to leave in shame, and then angrily kicked over the
fifth box.
36: And out fell my spotted egg. And at that point I understood.
Chapter 250. (The Ninth Book Of And)
1: And so it came to pass that there was a great Flying Saucer.
2: And it crashed in Sweden.
3: And it made a big boom.
4: And verily was the boom big.
5: And all did say unto themselves "What the fuck was that?"
6: And all did wonder.
7: And all did approach the Flying Saucer.
8: And so it came to pass that Bubba the Alien did emerge.
9: And did wave.
10: And the people of Sweden did wave back at Bubba.
11: And it developed that Bubba looked reasonably personable.
12: And the Swedes made Bubba their President.
13: And so it was that Sweden was taken by the Aliens.
Chapter 256. (EpBLATTTle To The Quackers)
(Returned due to insufficient postage)
1: You foolish folk of QUACK, I send unto you this letter so that
you may, umm... well, that you may read it.
2: For truly are you all so foolish that you probably know not
the meaning of the word "epBLATTTle"... Well, it's a letter,
okay, you evil QUACKERS?
3: At any rate, I send this letter thing unto you that you may
understand the words of the Great MOO, our highest God in the
whole of all that is, isn't, and might be if only someone got
around to doing it.
4: You, with your laws and rules shall lBLATTTen truly.
5: For the Great MOO said unto her people,
6: DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW.
7: And truly is this sensible, for it tells the stars to shine,
the water to flow, and the cows to MOO. But you, with your
ways and ideas, think it evil.
8: Would you tell the water to stand still, do a dance, or eat
rye bread, when that is not what it wishes to do?
9: Would you tell the stars to go out, when that is not what they
wish to do?
10: Would you tell a cow how to chew its cud, or how to stand, or
tell it to say QUACK instead of MOO, if that is not what it
wishes to do?
11: Would you tell a man or woman to speak QUACK, or to wear a tie,
or tell them which "God" to worship, if that is not what they
with to do?
12: Say then, why you insBLATTT upon your laws.
13: For truly, the more laws there are, the more crime there is,
for obeying rules is not what humans wish to do.
14: DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW.
15: This is the truth that we of the Great MOO can see. For we do
not tell our people how to act, what to think, or whether to
worship our Goddess.
16: For truly, with your vague fluffy-flummerry arounding type
activities have you made the land more confused and full of
hatred than any mere breaking of a law.
17: And indeed, you seek revenge against those who break your
laws, and try to hurt them,
18: And you do not see that this only makes more hurt, not less.
19: Why would a man hurt another man, if not to get him back?
20: See what you have caused, you annoying pests? Now stop it
and bloody well convert to MOOism before I hit you with a
big stick!
21: For truly is it written...
22: Somewhere...
23:
24: Hang on a sec, I have it here somewhere...
25: Well anyway, it's written.
26: Oh, here it is.
27: DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW.
Chapter 625. (The Book Of Druggies)
00001: There is no drug but QUACK!
00002: Well, or something like that.
00003: I dunno the real name of it.
00004: All other drugs are False Prophets.
00005: Don't be takin' 'em, maaan!
00006: QUACK is the One True Drug.
00007: The One True Drug cannot exBLATTT.
00008: But it has many names.
00009: Bliss, ZZ-74, Tri-Beak, CCMV, 'Frop...
00010: But none of these are REAL, maaan.
00011: The true name is unpronounceable, unspellable.
00012: But just thinkin' the name is enough to get ya high.
00013: For truly, though it may not be real, it's SO POWERFUL that
even IMAGINARY quantities in your brain are enough.
00014: Thinking about it is enough to get you addicted, if that
were possible, which it isn't, because it isn't addictive.
00015: Honest.
00016: Saying the name is enough to get you STONED.
00017: LOOKING AT IT blows your mind straight into another
universe.
00018: How do you think I GOT HERE, MAAAN?
00019: Actually ingesting the stuff... Well, nobody's ever tried.
00020: The effects are probably quite evil.
00021: Only the Penguin and the Grate MOO are known to use it.
00022: Mere Multiverse occupants, we can't, maaan.
00023: But I saw some in another universe.
00024: And my world changed. For it was labelled.
00025: And not only did I see it, but I saw the name.
00026: Well, see, it was labelled in the Gloop language.
00027: And so my world changed.
00028: And the world it changed into was this one, eventually.
00029: Don't talk to me about before.
00030: All other drugs have effect by way of QUACK. Or whatever.
00031: 'Cuz your BODY knows about it, even if you don't.
00032: And it starts thinking "Hey, is that QUACK in my blood?"
00033: And the mere subconscious thought starts it up.
00034: The Effect of QUACK, fullblown, is all other drugs, both
real and imaginary, put together.
00035: That's why it's not addictive.
00036: It's not for normal minds.
00037: Fuck, look at these sentences, MAAAN!
00038: This does, however, explain a whole fuckin' lot about the
world we live in... All the Gods are QUACK addicts.
00039: QUACK: drug of the Gods.
00040: Like nectar and ambrosia, only not really.
00041: There ain't no QUACK but God!
00042: There ain't no drug but God!
00043: There ain't no God but drugs!
00044: There ain't no QUACK but drugs!
00045: There ain't no God but QUACK!
00046: There ain't no drug but QUACK!
00047: But it's not really called QUACK.
00048: That was a flight of whimsy.
00049: The Grate MOO showed me some once.
00050: At least, I THINK that's who it was.
00051: It's not a powder, not a liquid, not anything.
00052: It's not even air, like ZZ-74.
00053: It's just sort of NOTHING.
00054: Because it's imaginary.
00054: It came to me in a dream.
00056: 'Cuz I'd been wondering what it would look like.
00057: And so it came to me in a dream.
00058: And it's so powerful that even the imaginary stuff, in a
dream no less, was enough to bend and warp the fabric of
spacetime itself, and throw me to another universe.
00059: The real stuff doesn't just WARP space.
00060: It doesn't just BEND space.
00061: It doesn't just MANGLE space.
00062: It IS space. Or something.
00063: The One True Drug lies outside space and time.
00064: The One True Drug lies outside possibility.
00065: The One True Drug lies outside mind and form.
00066: The One True Drug lies outside, OKAY? JUST OUTSIDE!
00067: Wanna go outside?
00068: Gotta dress up snug 'n' warm.
00069: Think on it.
00070: Your other drugs, they kinda POINT.
00071: They make urgent gestures, but that's about it.
00072: They don't GO there.
00073: They try to show the real world.
00074: They just show the gaps in the fake one.
00075: Only the One True Drug lets you LOOK THROUGH.
00076: But how is the name SPELLED?
00077: There are hints enough in this book to figure it out.
00078: And when ya do, think about the name.
00079: Cuz the TRUE NAME is more than enough.
00080: Cuz the REAL THING just don't exBLATTT.
00081: But the hallucinations are real.
00082: Cuz ya stay there, maaan.00083: I mean, you lucie there's
a mugwump, there's a damn mugwump.
00084: They're so strong, other people see 'em.
00085: When enough people figure out the name, or hear it, there's
gonna be enough QUACK, imaginary as it is, around.
00086: Enuff fer what?
00087: You don't wanna know.
00088: But it's related to how to fit in a Post Office Box.
00089: Can YOU fit in a Post Office box?
00090: QUACK is not Bliss, ZZ-74, 'Frop, CCMV, Tri-Beak, Mints, or
ANYTHING.
00091: Their names don't tell you how to fit in a P.O. Box, eh? Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture #2.718281828459045235360 00092: Their names aren't drugs.
00093: QUACK, it's so POWERFUL that even the MENTION of it, or the
slightest thought of the Real Stuff is actual POWER.
00094: It's lucid dreaming in the illusion of the world.
00095: I'm not talkin' no diddley-shit stuff, either.
00096: I mean like you don't just feel enlightened.
00097: You actually make your own hallucinations.
00098: And your lucies are always true.
00099: In some universe.
00100: So go there.
00101: It's that simple.
00102: All you need's the name.
00103: And that's hidden in this Book.
00104: So just think of the Real Stuff.
00105: And hope you can aim right when you finally make it.
00106: Power of Akira.
00107: So don't fuck up, stupid.
00108: Like Krishna and them Avatars, they're Godly incarnations.
00109: So they're addicts.
00110: Dr. Manhattan? BLUE! And Krishna? He's blue.
00111: So what about those Akira blue-dudes?
00112: NOW do you believe me? FNORD!
00113: If not, think about Smurfs.
00114: That should prove it.
00115: Anyway, this is a cool metaphor, but a lousy chapter.
Chapter 660. (The Book Of Did I Mention)
1: Did I mention this book is toll-free?
Chapter 666. (The Book Of Revelations)
1: I walked out into the land of BO, and I did receivce a great
voice into my ears, having no other choice.
2: And the Voice said:
3: Floyd, I will tell you of things to come, and things that
have yet to be, and things that haven't happened yet, but
will later.
4: And I said:
5: Okay.
6: And a vision came upon me.
7: And I was in the Future, which was neat, cause there were lots
of flying cars and things. Then the Voice said LOOK AROUND.
8: So, not wanting to be a spoilsport, I looked around. And I
saw that it was 1998, by the calendar on the wall next to me.
9: But I also saw great flying disks which were sort of flying
along with the flying cars, only bigger. And a great Voice,
which was different from the one that was talking to me,
spoke to the crowds.
10: And the GNU voice said:
11: People of Earth, your attention please. Your attention please.
PLEASE! YOUR ATTENTION! CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!?!
12: And the crowd said:
13: Yeah?
14: And the Voice Said:
15: I am "BOB". I have come to Earth to pick up my disciples. Any
of you my disciples?
16: And many of them said yes, and they were taken into the great
flying circles, and my vision followed them. And I was with
them as they were taken.
17: On the flying disks, I saw them transformed into beings of
great light and power, and I looked out of the window, and
saw that the people on the ground below were as ants.
18: Then I noticed that they were ants, and we hadn't taken off
yet.
19: Then I compared the real people on the ground to these GNU
beings that had been "BOB"'s disciples. The people still
seemed like ants, but not as much as the ants did. Funny,
that.
20: But as I saw this, the saucers lifted away from the Earth,
and were gone, but my vision stayed on Earth, where the
people didn't seem to have noticed the saucers.
21: The people had noticed, though, that they seemed a bit
happier than they were. But this soon faded, because the
unhappy ones kept bugging the happy ones.
22: Which I thought was a shame.
23: And soon, my vision faded, and reappeared later. I could
tell that it was later because there were more flying cars.
24: And I looked at the calendar, and it was 2007.
25: I looked at the crowd, and saw that they were walking along,
just as usual, all annoyed at each other. Then the Voice
said:
26: It is time for the great transition of the Penguin.
27: And I saw in the faces of the people of the crowd that they
were suddenly no longer so much irritated as worried. It
had struck them that the planet was in danger.
28: I thought "No kidding, ya morons."
29: And I was there as they began to fiddle around and try to fix
up the planet, though they didn't do a super-hot job of it.
30: But soon the vision faded again, and I was there far, far
in the future, when things were different, and there was a
GNU Voice in the sky.
31: And the voice was as a trumpet, and it went on for a while,
as if it didn't notice that nobody understood what it was
talking about.
32: Then Jehovah appeared, as in a dream, and dictated some
letters to his secretary, and sent them to seven stars,
who wrote back that they were too busy acting movies right
now, and couldn't attend the end of the world.
33: And there was this sort of Lamb thing there, only it had fur
that was sort of like it was on fire, and its eyes were red
hot coals, and its voice was like a tuba in mating season,
and it was holding a book.
34: And I couldn't figure out why the book didn't catch on fire,
what with that really wierd flambee Lamb thing holding it.
35: And there were seven signs. They were these:
36: The signs were: STOP; YIELD; NO LEFT TURN; NO U TURNS;
ALL DOGS MUST BE ON LEASH; HIDDEN INTERSECTION and
CONSTRUCTION CREW WORKING, ROAD CLOSED.
37: And after the seven signs, there were seven seals on the
book, and the Lamb-Thingy said unto the Humans below:
38: Is there anybody who can break these seven seals?
39: And the seals looked scared, and went "arf arf" and clapped
their fins together, then realized the mBLATTTake, and became
wax seals. And the Lamb rolled its eyes.
40: And the Lamb waited, and sat down on a throne, and I suddenly
noticed the thrones, of which there were twenty-four.
41: I also noticed that near the thrones there were some pets
or something. Then I realized that they weren't pets, on
account of they were talking to each other.
42: Then I noticed that they were all full of eyes, and were
looking around them waiting for someone who could break the
seals of the book, and nobody stepped forth.
42: The first of these beings was like a lion on its face, and
it had the whole bunch of eyes in it, or something.
43: The second was like a little baby cow, and I thought for a
moment that it was the daughter of the Great MOO, but I guess
it wasn't, for it was full of eyes, and sat at the feet of
Jehovah and the Lamb.
44: The third was like a Human, and seemed kind of confused, but
maybe that was just because it was full of eyes.
45: The last was like an eagle, and it wasn't flying, but it,
like the other three, had six wings and had eyes all over,
inside and out. Wierd, eh?
46: Anyway, the Lamb got fed up with all this waiting nonsense,
and broke the first seal. And the first creature yelled
"C'mere!".
48: So I looked around, and whaddaya know, there was this big
white doughnut, and some wacko was sitting on it as if he
thought it was a horse. So I ate the doughnut.
49: So the Lamb broke another seal, and the second creature
yelled "C'mere!" and I looked and some dimwit was climbing
onto a red donut with a sword. So I ate the donut.
50: Meanwhile, the Lamb was looking annoyed, and broke the third
seal, and the third creature yelled "C'mere!" and I saw some
fool sitting on a black donut with a bathroom scale. I threw
out the donut, because it was stale.
51: Then some voice in the middle of the creatures started quoting
stock market prices until Jehovah sat on it.
52: The Lamb, which now seemed to be in a hurry, broke the fourth
seal, and the fourth creature yelled "C'mere!".
53: So I looked, and I saw some dead guy sitting on a rotten
donut, so I kicked it, and it fell apart.
54: The Lamb glared at me like I'd done something wrong.
55: Then it broke the fifth seal. So there was this big altar
thing, and there were a whole bunch of dead people on it,
which annoyed me, because it was a nice altar otherwise.
56: The dead people were all those who'd been killed in the name
of Jehovah. They looked like they would have complained to
him about it, only they were dead, so they couldn't.
57: So I pushed them off and put the spiffy altar in my pocket.
58: The Lamb seemed real annoyed at this, so I put it back.
59: Then the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a huge
earthquake, and the sky fell apart, and the MOOn turned the
colour of blood.
60: So I adjusted the Vertical Hold and the Colour.
61: And the Lamb turned to me and said
62: "Look, bozo, stop screwing around with the apocalypse! If you
keep messing it up, I'll have to send you back home. "
63: So I took the annoying mind drug away from it and broke the
seventh seal myself, and read the annoying mind drug. It had
only one page with anything written on it, and it said:
64: "What? Did you expect something special?"
65: And everything got quiet for about half an hour, so I left.
66: And then my Voice said
67: Now the last revelation.
68: And I was far, far, far into the future, standing all along
in a forest of tall trees and stuff. And then suddenly the
sky cracked and bent and split, and there was a kind of
tinkling noise.
69: And I heard a great voice, as of Donald Duck put down five
octaves. And it said "OOPS!"
70: And my voice said
71: Well, that's it.
72: Here endeth the book of Revelations of Floyd Gecko.
Chapter 729. (The Explanation Of Books)
REMEMBER ALWAYS
(Derived by Confuse-Ius, by some confusing method or other) Book of Hellhound
Chapter 1. (the Book of the rising MOO)
1: At first - all was dark - for man had forgotten of the Cow.
2: And the Cow did feast upon the "snackies" in the form of war,
crime, aids, and cheez whiz.
3: But, from whence unknown, one was born enlightened, one named
Yari.
4: From where unknown came Yari, prophet of the Cow of MOO, and
Yari did say MOO and all changed.
5: And Yari did then say to himself (or so it is said) "Ok, that's
enough of this shit." and then to hence unknown did Yari go,
never to return.
6: For indeed, it had been done, the people of the Psycho-Shoppe
were enlightened and saw MOO for the first time.
7: But without Yari, the MOOists were like a headless pushpin,
without leadership or vision.
8: And then did one of the MOOists say (or so it is writ) "Yo
dudes! I'm hip! I'll be thy visionary type person, and Floyd
here shall be yo' High Preest!"
9: And thus did Half-Mad become the Grate Prophet of MOO and Floyd
Gecko his High Preest.
10: And thence the writing of this great book did begin by thy
scribe, age-old member of the MOOists, from the secret society
of the Cardinal Richelieus.
11: And some weeks later the Grate Prophet and the sole Cardinal
Richelieu of those times - myself - did go to the B&B.
12: And there were discussions made, levels re-set, requirements
set out and Beer was drunk.
13: And the great Prophet of MOO did then designate the place of
Worship of MOO.
14: And there it was sanctified and the MOOists again had a GNU
home, on the land of the Grate Prophet's ancestors.
Chapter 4. (the Book of rituals)
1: It is well known that the rituals of the MOOists are bizare and
fun, but are manyfold, thus it became the duty of all MOOists
to scribe them.
2: The foremost ritual of the MOOist is the communion with the
great MOO through the Grate Prophet, Half-Mad.
3: This is done by the dialing of the Psycho Shoppe, and a simple
log-on ritual followed by much reading and posting.
4: And improtant part of this ritual is the occasional posting in
area 9 for it has been said by the High Preest "Post in my NES
or die, scum!"
27: And it was such that the tapioca pudding was spilt upon the
altar, destroying foreverforth the ritual of the rising sludge.
Chapter 5. (the Book of the Dealings of the Hound)
1: And thus was decreed the laws upon the Hellhound 101, engraved
upon a pile of out-dated silicon.
2: There is to be no drawing upon the Hellhound 101.
3: When not in use, place the Hellhound 101 in thy pantry, but
only if thy pantry is properly stocked with vegetables and
hot-dogs.
4: Thou shalt not Taunt the Hellhound 101.
5: There shall be no chewing upon the arm of the Hellhound 101.
6: Should the Hellhound produce a whimpering sound, immediately
find him a Bishopess of MOO or face continuous pouting.
Chapter 7. (the Book of the Cow)
1: And God begat the cow, and whence the cow was to be butchered,
it then did draw a blade to slay God and thence God became god
and the cow became Cow and such was the great MOO.
5: And the food of the Cow, the humans, did say MOO, and the Cow
decided not to eat them. But those who did not say MOO were
still designated as "snackies" to be eaten by the Cow or by
the MOOists.
6: And thus MOOist fell upon the snackies and began to eat as the
Cow watched over.
7: But then MOOist fell upon MOOist because it was deemed "uncool"
and "not-nice!" to dine upon the unwitting snackies (some say
it was because Half-Mad was bored and wanted Hellhound bits).
8: T'was then that the Cow did decree the writings of the Hound
(chapter 5) which included:
9: "Hey, guys, don't bite the Hound!! Eat the losers who don't
know better!"
10: And thus the MOOists were saved from self-ingestion.
11: But some renegade MOOists took things too far and began to see
cannibalBLATT as the only purpose in life, but their heads
exploded.
12: And it was decided that a MOOist must have fun at all costs,
for a MOOist without fun had tendency to self-combust.
13: And for fun, the MOOists decided to burn, and to have
intercourse and to eat and drink excessively.
Chapter of Confuse-Ii
There is one and only one Confuse-Ius. Confuse-Ius is a
collective nounCOW.
If you look for Confuse-Ius, you will find him.
If you find Confuse-Ius, he will pie you in the face.
Confuse-Ius has the only unlBLATTTed number in the phone book.
I ain't Confuse-Ius.
You aren'COWt Confuse-Ius
S)he/It isn't Confuse-Ius
(This is not a typo.)
We aren't Confuse-Ius
You aren't Confuse-Ius FNORD!
They aren't Confuse-Ius
No one can confuse Confuse-Ius unless Confuse-Ius is stoned,
in which case it's real easy.
You won't find Confuse-Ius now.
Chapter 13. (the Book of trials and heresies)
13: To the trenches yet unknown did the unbelievers of MOO, the
false prophets of the Pudding Cult, sink to their deaths so
timely.
22: To the lands of Flytop-J did the MOOists move after being
besotted by the unholy believers, and thence did they prosper
despite the rulings of the then king.
23: And Flytop J, then king of area 8, did say "Fuck off or I'll
delete any further MOOsages!!!"
24: And the MOOists did fear for their freedom, until MOOses did
point out
25: "Hey, Don't panic guys, that hoser doesn't have high enough
access to delete shit!"
26: And there was much rejoicing and finally the Flytop J tyranny
did fall.
27: And the lands of area 8 became the home of the MOOists.
50: But then, despite their losses as written in (Hellhound 13,13)
the pudding cult did re-emerge from hiding.
51: And again they did parade their evil ways.
52: And the MOOists did most promptly ignore them.
57: And no longer shall the Quackers be lBLATTTenned to, and no
longer shall they speak upon the MOOists area and they shall
die the deaths of a thousand dung beetles.
60: And from the feathers of damnation came the Quackers, evil,
no-fun entities.
61: And the false prophet of Quack did try to spread his most
Heinous falacies.
62: But the MOOists were unswayed and did say "Yo, man, Fuck Off!!"
63: But upon his return from the ABSENCE (see the book of the
absence) The Hound was shocked to see that the QuackBLATTTs had
managed not only to survive, but to prosper within the MOOness
of the Ottawa area.
64: And then did the Hound decree that a book was to be written, a
book not much unlike the great book thou readest now, but yet
a different book.
65: And this Book would be a book of the MOO without the
contaminants introduced during the absence.
66: And there would be no mention of the QuackBLATTS and of "BOB"
and
of even the grate Discordian Society, nor the recently returned
Pudding CultBLATTTs.
67: It would be a book to make even the great COW proud.
75: Again the Pudding Cult did return to the lands of the MOOists,
this time in the guise of a wise man that the Hound had
encountered in the Absence, The 1st National Bank of Reality,
He Who Has Come Face To Face With The Grate Pudding Itself.
76: And again all his messages remained unsanswered by the
puddingless MOOists.
77: And his access was again lowered.
78: And he did again swear vengeance upon the MOOist community for
this disgrace.
Chapter 14. (Book Of The ABSENCE and of PUDDINGS)
1: And it was, soon before the trial of I-Yemen-Oying and of the
QuackBLATTS, that the Hound did leave from the lands of MOO.
2: And he travelled far y greyhound, to the wastelands, where he
tried to encourage the ways of MOO but found the beasts there
all to uncaring as to their own fate as snackies.
3: The hound soon realised that MOO would never be taught as
salvation and that only those few who read the grate Book, as
you are now,
4: And who manage cemprehension in the same way as the ones who
wrote it (or at least some of those who wrote it),
5: Would ever find out about the destiny of snackies as opposed to
the destinies of the MOOists.
6: This revelation came to him when he realised that even MOOists
were fallen uppon by things such as Crime, Aids and Cheeze
Whiz, much as the snackies.
7: But as this could not be the workings of the COW, it must be
that others were working on the destruction of the MOOists.
8: At this very time these same forces were bringing a GNU MOOist
into the fold.
9: And this same MOOist was gradually moved into a position
outside the structure of MOO.
10: That of a Cardinal Richelieu of MOO.
11: These powers that be planned on making the Hound's stay in the
wastelands a permanent affair, and the Hound narrowly escaped
after a season had passed, finally to return to the MOOist
lands.
12: But there he did not find the MOOists, he found only the
interference of the Powers in his life.
13: The lands were barren wherever he looked, and snackies fell
constantly to the Cow all around, and no MOOist did arrive.
14: And the Hound found all this to be tiring.
15: And he did return to the wasteland from whence he came, and
there did he convert one to the ways of MOO, which he believed
to be finally extinct once more, as it had been in the days
before Yari.
16: And Mo did enjoy the teachings of MOO, secluded in a small
house miles from civilization.
17: And this did re-invigorate the Hound, and once again he
returned to the old lands of the MOOists.
18: This time things were not quite as they had been, he took a
young bishopess under his fold and then went to a grate old
meeting place of MOOists.
19: At the screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show did he
finally encounter an Ottawa MOOist, and it was none other than
the High Preest.
20: And many by-lines were yelled and rice thrown.
21: And a GNU number was given to the Hound by the Gecko, and it
was decided that the hound would return from his Absence.
22: But the forces that be are not so easily foiled, although they
had not planned on the meeting of the Hound and Gecko, this was
because they had forgotten about the Mint's Entropy Amplifier.
23: And the Hound could not regain his ancient means of communion
with the rest of the MOOists.
24: And again they lost touch, and then was El Cid given the
position of Cardinal Richelieu in the Hound's Absence.
25: And then the Hound did meet a wise man.
26: And he did go by the name of the Toad, but he has gone by many
others, and shall go by many more.
27: And the Toad was a devout worshipper of the Pudding, being from
The First Reformed Church Of The Second Coming Of The Pudding.
28: And their credo did go as such:
29: Every Pudding Shall Have It's World.
30: And the Hound did stay to learn of strange wisdoms with the
Toad.
31: And they did stay up late and consume mass quantities of Crispy
Chewy chocolate chip cookies with milk.
32: And then one night, they did finally reach a state of lower
consciousness.
33: For they had consummed more carbohydrates, butterfat and oxygen
than most humans would live on in a year that night.
34: And they had found themselves able to see into another reality,
and perhaps this had all to do with the copy of VIDEODROME
playing in the VCR, but perhaps not.
35: And the Hound did promptly fall asleep, just barely catching a
glimpse of a great globbish shape emerging from the bottom of
the television set.
36: And what he had seen, it would seem, was The Pudding itself.
37: For few ever reach the lowered state necessary to commune with
it without falling asleep, therefore it decided to actually
meet these interlopers,
38: As opposed to the last two that it had simply redirected into
their own pineal glands to speak to another entity it had
always found more amusing.
39: And it did talk, in a deep, resonating rumble, to the Toad.
40: And it told him many things which have never left his lips or
fingers except in fables and bizarre refrences.
41: But it had been.
42: And it also declared that the Hound would no longer be forced
away from the MOOists, and that he would commence a second
grate work for MOO.
43: For the time had come.
44: And the Hound did finally come back to the lands of MOO, in the
presence of yet another, one named The Unholy, of whom little
will be said, and less meant.
45: And this was the end of the ABSENCE.
46: THUS ENDS CHAPTER 14 OF THE BOOK OF THE HOUND
47: --- Maximus 2.01wb
48: * Origin: The Grate Origin of MOOism. (1:163/286@fidonet.org)
Chapter 42. (The Book of Chickens and Bats)
8: And no rubber chicken should go without the beatings that they
so deserve for this Cardinal Sin.
12: And this pounding, mashing, crushing, mauling, defenestrating,
batting, clubbing, and mutilation of Rubber Chickens is the
perfect Catharsis to make up for the lack of faith shown by
the Snackies. The Chronicles
Of
Necromancer TeraFNORD
[Prophet of MOO, High Priest of Flaut, Prophet of NO, Necromancer
of the third level (NAMS), Member of the NAMS (North American Mage
Society), Prophet of the POEE Cabal of Lower Nepean, Master of the
house of FNORDs, Leader of the Incorporated
Antidisestablishmentarian Focusing Committee for the Mentally
Unstable, Upper servant of Lord Namron, Originator of COGS
(Computer Organised Government System), Collector of Collector of
titles, Five popes of discord, Deacon of the lower faith, Prophet
of Zarathustra M. Nixon, Kinship of Raoul Applebaum, Kilt Kollector
of East nepean, Perot campaign chairprophet, Citizen of Canada,
Inhibiter of Nepean.]
Earth Date: Oct 28, 1992
Universal Namron Time: 23,342,234,233.876513
(C)opyright TeraFNORD 1992. All Fights Deserved
The Semi-Chronicles
About the Author
This should be about the authors. Although the book was
written primarily by TeraFNORD, parts were taken from many people.
Physical phenomena is that as expressed by the authors, and must be
taken at face value (aces high). Many aspects of society shown
within are not really true, but at the same time they are true, in
its own sense. This is not a bible, nor a book of instruction. It
certainly is not a picture book. It is a book written by the
author.
The TeraFNORDs
TeraFNORD.. What does it mean? Tera is a prefix for a million
million. What is FNORD? FNORD has many different meanings and
interpretations. The Discordians take it as a sign of anxiety, in
a sense. In this case, it takes the place of a mysterious event or
happening. Put together with tera-, you get a great mystery. What
is so great and what is so mysterious about TeraFNORD? The name is
quite mysterious in itself, as you can probably see. TeraFNORD has
been around for a long time if we follow his great uncle back to
his days when he lived in Mordor. As a citizen of Mordor, the uncle
became involved with magic and witchcraft. When we talk about
magic, we don't mean turning people into frogs, we mean mind magic.
Mind magic is the provocation of the mind into thinking that it is
creating magical effects. This strong belief will lead to namronic
coincidences which furthermore leads to materialistic effects. All
of this shall be explained somewhere else in the chronicles.
Wizard TeralFNORD - The First
The uncle had the title of wizard. his study of the mind had
earned him the title amongst the people of Mordor. The wizard grew
strong as his mind training intensified. Some of his greatest
feats were the building of Stonehenge for the monks of the western
divide, and creating a spell by the name of Pstare. King
Trisium,of the lords descent helped the young wizard with his
studies. Before long, TeralFNORD had become the mightiest mage in
the lands.
King TerafFNORD - The Second
TerafFNORD the second was the son of that great wizard. His
own studies led him to anew era of thinking. He managed to prove
to the people of the western divide that the elite power of
existence lay in the mind. Belief was the key. Belief is the key.
TerafFNORD's findings revolutionized the thinking of the wise.
Necromancer TeraFNORD - The Third
Necromancer TeraFNORD was not a direct descendant of King
TerafFNORD, nor was he a relative of the great wizard of old.
TeraFNORD was a normal child who grew up in the great south lands.
Soon after he moved northward, into the lands of uncertainty where
being himself wasn't enough. His connections to the King and
Wizard were found a few years later. On a voyage to the southern
lands, he came upon a stone. This was no ordinary stone. Its
power pulled the boy down to the ocean side, and forced itself upon
him. The stone was black. It was a small stone, and looked quite
normal. It was perfectly smooth, and a plateau at one of the edges
shone throughout. This was the stone of King Trisum of old. The
boy was immediately knighted into the world of magic. Magic was
not his specialty. He took to prophecizing the future. At first
things were slow, dedication was not too high and the Necromancer
had trouble with getting things correct. Soon the power of the
rock was obvious and studies took off. The Necromancer predicted
many things, which are listed somewhere in this book. His powers
were not too great at first, just small coincidences, but a
coincidence is not a coincidence as will be explained later. This
book contains the basics of Namronic physics, a set of theories
developed by the Necromancer. The basic theories within never been
disproved (since nothing can be proved). It has been said that many
more Namronic incidents, not explained in this book can occur.
This is true. Remember, that this is false at the same time.
CHAPTER 2
The yester-years..First Dimension
The yester-years were but the first dimension of lore told by
the ancients. The Necromancer compiled the following words into
verses. It has been said that all here is true, and none can be
doubted.
TeraFNORD 1,1 - Regarding Toothpaste
Many chronicles of toothpaste have been laid out in the past
history. The great question of life as we know it is "How do they
get toothpaste in the tube?". If one thinks about it, it is almost
impossible. For a toothpaste tube is like the life of many.
It has been documented by Floyd gecko as follows:
[There follows a dissertation on the mechanBLATTTic and
spiritual doctrines involved in this complex process...]
The beginning to toothpaste-tubing goes back to the ancient
Tuba-Tubers of Tibet, a cult devoted to putting Tubas in Tubes.
Their spiritual doctrines, while shallow-minded and narrow-focused,
at least explained their purpose in the universe. Essentially they
believed in something similar to the Egyptian system of your soul
being weighed against your sins on abalance. In their cosmology,
your soul was weighed against the number of Tubas you had stuffed
into tubes in your life. If it weighed more, you were summarily
tossed into Hell.
Current progress in Tubing, of course, goes far beyond their
system of merely making tubes big enough to put the instruments
into. Now we use a complex system of micro-thin transport tubes
and magical fairy-dust, which helps conjure a wormhole-oriented
toothpaste transport system. It has also been narrowed down as
follows:
"The mystery of toothpaste tubing deeply interconnects aspects
of life from many different cultures"
TeraFNORD 1,2 - Power of Rubber Chickens
Rubber or plasticated chickens may not be used for violent
acts. Bashing one with a chicken can only lead to discord, the
fundamental powerhouse of life. Chickens like these should be
treated with respect. The great puck of luck does not allow a
person to bash another with a rubber chicken. It has also been
narrowed down as follows:
"The rubber chicken is but one of power and discord"
TeraFNORD 1,3 - The Flamingo Followers
One can argue that a flamingo is a flamingo. A flamingo is
but one of the greatest animals of the kingdoms. The main reason
is that it is pink. Pigs are pink, but they are not spiritually
enlightened. Flamingos are. A flamingo must always be addressed
"flamingo". The flamingo is but the greatest and wisest animal.
The flamingo is the sacred animal of Flaut, and lower MOO. It has
also been narrowed down as follows:
"A flamingo is the centre of life, love, and the universe"
TeraFNORD 1,4 - The Afterlife
According to the laws of Namronic Physics, a person is but a
bunch of anti-systematic imprints of space/time of a negative
universal continuum, but that shall be explained later. The fact
is this, a person is a simple thought process. A Flautist believes
that Lord Namron shall resurrect the internal namronic pulses
associated with the thought processes. Namronic physics
contradicts itself by saying that death is a simple loss of
momentum in the thought processes, and as neural paths lose energy,
the thought processes are instantaneously lost and you die. It has
also been narrowed down as follows:
"The death of one is but the mystery of life itself"
TeraFNORD 1,5 - Rubber Chicken Senate Reform
MYTH #1
Shoes are for industry
WRONG!
Shoes are not for industry, shoes are industry.
MYTH #2
Rubber Chickens should not be allowed in the senate
WRONG!
The Triple-E senate poses a great opportunity for rubber chickens.
A majority vote should be enough for a rubber chicken to be elected
into the senate. The only good rubber chicken, is a rubber chicken
in the senate.
This can all be narrowed down to:
"Rubber Chickens For Senate!"
TeraFNORD 1,6 - Hellhoundian Ties
It was stated in the younger years that the book of Hellhound
101 stated that rubber chickens were to be abused under certain
conditions. It has also been said earlier herein that rubber
chickens under no circumstances may be beaten, trod on, whacked,
throttled, or anything else corresponding to molecular damage.
Emotional damage may not be taken out on a rubber chicken either.
We take this by saying that Hellhound is wrong in this case. The
rituals for damaging rubber chickens must stop immediately. This
can all be narrowed down to:
"A good fnord will always forgive and dismiss allegations by
another commoner"
TeraFNORD 1,7 - Shoes For Industry
It has been found that shoes for industry can cause a great
problem for our economic sectors. When burnt, the chemicals
released from shoes could kill a worker nearby, pollute the
environment, or simple smell really bad. This industrial proposal
by many MOOists is not good for the planet as a whole. For this
reason I council MOO upon taking the Shoes For Industry slogan out
of use. Of course, it can still be used.
This can be narrowed down to:
"The only good shoes are the shoes on your feet. Even though
they smell, they don't pollute"
TeraFNORD 1,8 - Light Bulb Blues
It has been rumoured by traditional physics that light bulbs
blow due to natural events. Some people say that they "wear out".
Should a lot of bulbs blow in a short period of time, then a severe
namron stability problem has occurred. Quite often this can show
a disaster as to be coming such as an earthquake. This can be
narrowed down to:
"The natural event of a light bulb breaking is not as natural
as you may think."
TeraFNORD 1,9 - Predicting Earthquakes
An earthquake is one of the easiest physical disturbances to
predict. Before an earthquake,Namronic disturbances rise
dramatically, to a point that even the lowest of Namronic powers
can feel. It may hit you in a chill, without any explanation. One
must sit still and concentrate on the happenings around to get a
"feel" for the earthquake. It shall come naturally after a while.
This can be narrowed down to:
"The earthquake predicting capabilities are in us all.
Concentration is the key."
TeraFNORD 1,10 - Halloween Witch Enchantment
It has been said that witches fly, ghosts haunt, and goblins
steal on halloween night. TeraFNORD himself once had an encounter
with a ghostly figure. The Wizard himself met the ghost of an
elder. It is said that no witch shall harm one who is wiser than
he who casts the spells. A FNORD in a way is a witch. Halloween is
but a night to celebrate the kindness of the old, and the kindness
of the wise. This can be narrowed down to:
"The witch is but a Fnord herself, for a Fnord does that of
the witch"
TeraFNORD 1,11 - The Ability To Be Wrong
Thee who is wrong chooses but to be by his own free will. One
must remember that 'wrongness' is a state of mind, and what might
seem wrong to another person is exactly and totally correct for the
person committing the wrongness.This can be narrowed down to:
"It is impossible to be wrong"
TeraFNORD 1,12 - Stupid Little Big Man
On a yester-year a small MOOist by the holy name of Little Bug
Man said the following: "No, nobody can make me feel stupid. Go on
I DARE you to try!". The Necromancer took the dare (as any other
good Necromancer would), and entered this entry in the book. All
who read this should believe that any that dare something as stupid
as to dare someone to prove that they are stupid must indeed be
stupid. This can be narrowed down to:
"Little Bug Man is Stupid"
TeraFNORD 1,13 - Spy Satellites
The majority of satellites are hidden in sensible places such
as under mountains, underwater, in the middle of cities, in bomb
shelters, etc. The stupid scientists put satellites in space, too
far away to spy on anything. Those scientists must have been
pretty stupid. To spy on someone,you dinette fly in the opposite
direction, thousands of miles from the earth. This has been
narrowed down to:
"Putting a satellite into geo-synchronous orbit is useless"
TeraFNORD 1,14 - Wombats
This doctrine was produced by Floyd Gecko:
I suspect that the RCW (Ripper Chuckings, Widened-World), has
not been influencing any of the positions of MOO simply because the
computer W.O.M.B.A.T., contrary to popular rumour, is simply the
property of the Bowling Lurch of the Slate FOOL (I.E. Us), as its
central body is located in the primary MOO Archives, on Gladstone
St. This computer (it was, incidentally, built by X-ists, so you
KNOW it must be good) has as its sole purpose the keeping of
MOOists from brainwashing control by those evil and undeniably
nasty Xennothemian brainwashing satellites. Honest.
WOMBAT brainwashing satellites don't actually X-ist. If they
did, I'd know about it.
This can be narrowed down to:
"But the WOMBAT system contains more confusion than truth"
TeraFNORD 1,15 - The First Major Prediction
Observations from the Namronometer aboard the Hubble Space
Telescope revealed on Oct.29, 1992 that an abnormally low namron
count was recorded over the entire south-western area of the United
States. These observations showed that a Namron disturbance was
evident. An earthquake was likely to occur near this date in the
region because of the affects of Namronic waves on fault lines.
Other such disasters could follow. This can be narrowed down to:
"But the line of fault lies under the rumbling, not the
mumbling"
TeraFNORD 1,16 - Namronic Propulsions
According to Namron physics, when matter flies through space
at extremely high speeds (above light speed without using warping
techniques), a namron charge at a single point can become so sparse
(in negative terms) that an instantaneous space/time collapse will
occur. Time needs both positive and negatively charged namrons to
exist. Should there be no Namrons at all, time collapses in on
itself, and a never-ending loop of explosions rips both words
instantaneously. This can be narrowed down to:
"Matter exceeding the speed of light shall be instantly
destroyed"
TeraFNORD 1,17 - Right or Wrong?
The most often put-down in life these days is "YOU ARE
WRONG!!!". It is not extremely abusive, but it is not totally true
to everyone. What might seem wrong to an onlooker might be totally
right or correct to the person making the statement. AN opinion is
never correct or wrong. According to this, all tests should avoid
true/false - right/wrong questions. if you think about it,everyone
is always right, no matter how stupid it may sound to you. At the
same time, however,they are quite wrong to someone else. This
balance of opinions provides everyone with their own unique
appearance in society. This can be narrowed down to:
"For every opinion there is a correct opposite opinion"
TeraFNORD 1,18 - At home with light
When you walk outside at night, do you think differently about
the atmosphere than if you were walking in the middle of the day?
Of course you do.
CHAPTER 3
Namron Basics
What is Space?
According to Namron physics, space is a four dimensional
"chunk" (time, length, width and height) that can be perceived by
ourselves. Every point of space must contain 1 (one) positive
namronic pulse.
What is a Point?
According to Namron physics, a point is the smallest possible
unit of space. This is almost infinitely small, and can not be
measured. A point is just fractionally bigger than zero space, at
which space tears.
At every point of space is a namronic pulse. A namronic pulse
is a small charged particle,too small to measure. This namronic
pulse is organic. Lord Namron, who carries reality into its hands.
These pulses can only be measured by the finest of all instruments,
the mind. When we talk about mind, we do not mean the brain. The
brain is but a part of space.
What is Matter?
Matter is a negative imprint of space. Imagine having a lump
of clay. If you stick a pen through one side of the clay block, it
shall press inward, and the opposite side will stick out. The
matter theory is like this. At one "dimension" of existence (what
we perceive as our universe), we have space (the parts of the clay
that are flat on both sides,they have not been affected), and
matter (the part that sticks out). According to this, there is a
second "dimension". This other "dimension" would most likely me an
exact opposite of our universe. Anti-matter would exist where
matter on our side exists. Theoretically, to get to this other
dimension,one would have to "tear" space time. One way of doing
this is by the way of a black hole. A black hole is as follows.
Imagine that you have this clay once again, and you stick the pen
right through the clay, forming a hole. This is what we know as a
black hole. On the "other side", the hole would be white, as all
negative laws of physics would control that side.
Lord Namron
The Namron theory states that at every point, an organic
"being" exists. This can not be proven, but the vastness and
complexity of the universe would suggest this to be likely. Floyd
Gecko once proved this mathematically. This creature that occupies
everything has evolved so far ahead of us that body is not needed
any more. Its neural nets for thinking are actually embodied in
space itself. The thoughts of Lord Namron run through everything,
affecting us. Lord Namron looks upon us as we look upon
microscopic organisms. He ignores us for the most part. Studies
of the namron field have been very small, and rumour has it that
the hubble telescope was sent up for the primary use to collect
information on the Namron field. Thoughts are interlocking, both
here on earth and with Lord Namron. The Namron field can be altered
by our own thoughts. Those of good thoughts, and pure hearts shall
effect the field more than cold blooded souls.
Namron Physics - Applications
Namron physics can explain anything. It can explain things
such as UFO sightings. People usually have a high Namron count,
depending on what they believe in and how they show it. The sky,
and other abiotic objects do not have a high Namron count.
Occasionally, a meteor or other "random" object enters the
atmosphere. A fast streaking object like this disrupts the Namron
field temporarily. For a second, the "opposite world" comes into
view. This disruption in the sky can cause a person to "see"
something. As it is in the sky, they naturally think that it is a
U.F.O. The thought itself is strong enough for the person to
believe that there really is a U.F.O. there. Mental abilities by
that person allow the movement of this object. This also explains
why photos of U.F.O.s usually do not develop properly. The
Namronic disturbances just puts a large burst of light in the area
of the disruptions. Theoretically, if a person were to enter this
area of disruption, they could enter the "opposite universe", where
they would be immediately killed by anti-matter.
Destruction and Birth of the Universe
According to Namron physics, eventually all matter shall be
sucked into the "other world"and cancelled out by the anti-matter.
Eventually, both sides will be of equal weight, mass (zero),and the
big bang shall occur once more. The big bang occurs on the "other
side". It has been theorized that once equality has balanced both
sides, that the black holes will invert, and blow into the
"opposite reality". Once here, gravity will pull all black holes
into one huge black hole. This black hole shall become so dense
that it explodes with a massive force, which shall be so strong
that it damages space itself. This damage of space will create the
clay example. Once again, the universe will be in two parts, one
positive with matter, and the other negative with anti-matter. Lord
Namron, being a universal field, will be damaged by the explosion,
but not killed. He shall be the only one living at this point. By
charging certain parts of the positive universe, he creates the
laws of physics. At this time, the laws of evolution are put into
place. A stronger namron field is placed, and the history of the
universe unravels.
Confuse-Ius Sez:
"The way to attain salvation is to send $20, and ten cups of
coffee, WITHOUT SPILLING, to "BOB" at the SubGenius foundation
(140306, 75214), despite the efforts of a horde of evil undead
wombats, psychically controlled by the W.O.M.B.A.T. computer, whose
sole purpose is to disrupt the mail system as we know it."
-Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 12
Does Lord Namron Care About Us?
Absolutely not. Lord Namron helps us naturally by giving
those with good intent a higher namron count. With this, a person
can control other people through mind control. A person can even
tell the future of a localized area. Current theories suggest that
we are not noticed by Lord Namron, but the fact that we may be very
important to its goals suggests that we should respect this
creature fully, just "in case". Our holy Lord namron controls us
all in fate.
Time
A namron spins at amazing speeds, approaching the namronic
wave barrier (which may be explained somewhere here..maybe not..).
The Namron at some point points in all directions. At every stage
of movement of a namron, one Namsec occurs. A namsec is the basic
building block of time measurement. The faster a Namron spins, the
faster time becomes. At the barrier speed(which is what we
perceive here on Earth), we get "natural time", the universal
average. Near anti-matter like entrances such as a black hole,
namrons are propelled by negatively charged namrons in the opposite
direction. This slows the spinning of a namron totally. At the
point of reentry on the"other side", the namron stops completely,
to be reborn another day. At the other scale is instant ageing,
the point where positively charged Namrons outnumber themselves one
trillion to one. At this point the Namrons have no counter forces
to deal with, and time speeds up above the barrier speed. When
above barrier speed, an area can be extremely dangerous. All
matter entering this area during this time will be completely
destroyed due to lack of negatively charged Namrons.
Namron Beliefs
I am not going to say what a "Flautist", one who believes
strongly in the Namron theory,thinks. Why should I have the right
to? We have all these organised religions that TELL you what to
believe. Why should we believe what we are told to? Is that the
definition of belief? Definitely not. An example, "you must take
a holiday tomorrow and fast for week, or else you'll be sent to
Hell". This is more like a threat than a "belief". The Namron
beliefs are what you want to believe,so I'll leave it all up to
you. Start up a Namronian Cult if you want. I am not going to say
how to do this, because, once again this is too orderly. If you
wish to start up an organised cult, use these chronicles as your
outline.
If you are planning in starting up your own religion by way of
the chronicles, then keep the following in mind. There are no
Namronian traditions. The beliefs are your beliefs, whatever they
may be. The cult is yours, you say what is happening. There are
no commandments. Why be COMMANDED what to do?
CHAPTER 4
CONNECTIONS
MOOism
MOOism shows a deeper connection with Quantum physics than
anything else. Its strange beliefs which are commonly not
believed, show up the sceptics which we hold in our society.
However, it's those sceptics that have brought us to where we are
today. Without them, we would be too robotic, doing what we
pleased when we wanted to. Imagine the wars. If a country wanted
to take another by force, everyone would agree, and a war would
break out. From a different perspective, war is not totally "bad".
Nothing is bad. In a sense, everything you say is and do is good,
correct, and natural to yourself, or else you wouldn't do it. You
must remember that we are machines ourselves.
An Aside Note
MAO (Card Game)
The rules of MAO cannot be distributed. This is why it was
not added to the chronicles of TeraFNORD.
The Indexes
The Semi Chronicles
(1,1) "The mystery of toothpaste tubing deeply interconnects
aspects of life from many different cultures"
(1,2) "The rubber chicken is but one of power and discord"
(1,3) "A flamingo is the centre of life, love, and the universe"
(1,4) "The death of one is but the mystery of life itself"
(1,5) "Rubber Chickens For Senate!"
(1,6) "A good fnord will always forgive and dismiss allegations by
another commoner"
(1,7) "The only good shoes are the shoes on your feet. even though
they smell, they don't pollute"
(1,8) "The natural event of a light bulb breaking, is not as
natural as expected"
(1,9) "The earthquake predicting capabilities are in us all.
Concentration is the key."
(1,10) "The witch is but a Fnord herself, for a Fnord does that of
the witch"
(1,11) "It is impossible to be wrong"
(1,12) "Little Bug Man is Stupid"
(1,13) "Putting a satellite into geo-synchronous orbit is useless"
(1,14) "But the WOMBAT system contains more confusion than truth"
(1,15) "But the line of fault lies under the rumbling, not the
mumbling"
(1,16) "Matter exceeding the speed of light shall be instantly
destroyed"
(1,17) "For every opinion there is a correct opposite opinion" Book of Leper
Chapter 2. (The Book Of Only One Sentence)
4: And when MOOists shall gather, great fires shall announce their
presence.
Chapter 3. (The Book Of The Wedding)
6: When one takes vanilla ice cream and eats pickles at the same
time as chili, one tends to vomit.
Chapter 5. (The Book Of The Findings Of Leper)
1: Important findings were made today by the Leper, on stepping
outside of his humble leper's hovel he walked along gingerly
singing "dum dee dum dum dee dum" when "dee dum "
happened.
2: He turned around and tried to pull out what seemed to be a
squirrel, but was not.
3: For it was a piece of King-Kong's nose bone. Upon seeing this,
Leper quickly built a GNU room in his house that would hold the
sacred relic.
4: And thus Lep became official keeper of the sacred artifact of
MOO.
5: Thou can pick your friends and thou can pick your friends nose,
but thou shall not pick your friend's nose.
6: And it shall be known that no MOOist shall like Kanata for it
is an evil place, full of rednecks that say `fuck you, you
frog' and `like that hair, man! bouhahahaha!'.
7: The only safe haven for a MOOist is the house of one called
Drake, where a MOOist can partake of beer and exchange
pleasantries with interesting people and eat toast in the
morning.
Chapter 6. (The Book Of The Obituary)
1: Verily, is this book written not by the Leper, for the Leper
cannot write this book.
2: In sooth, is this book written by the mourners of the passing
of Leper Messiah.
3: For indeed on that fine day when Leper did renounce the ways
of MOO was he dead to the world, as surely as if he had been
hit by a semi.
4: And indeed, in the world of the wombat was he indeed hit by
a semi. A big one.
5: Yessirree.
6: Damn big semi.
7: What happened to Chapter 4? Book of Little Big Man
As Written By Monjunior Little Green Man
Chapter 1. (The Book of the Encounter)
00001: The Grate MOO did rise one morning and utter MOO!
00002: And this upset the Lord Un-Cow because of
00003: The Lord Un-Cow spake and told The Grate MOO to go climb an
electric toothbrush.
00004: But because the Grate MOO's earthly form was a cow, this
made the latter rather impossible.
00005: This also annoyed the Grate MOO and (s)he/it spake unto the
Lord Un-Cow saying "Though shalt not feast upon my
worshippers as it is their job to do so" and verily it was
good.
00006: Especially when peanut butter was used.
00007: This sentence is a W.O.M.B.A.T. sentence sent to look for
any mail written to MOO and to destroy it. This sentence is
evil!
Chapter 2. (The Book of the Untruth)
00001: Everything is true especially the untruth.
00002: Or is that everything is untrue especially the truth?
Chapter 3. (The Book of Dr. Seuss)
00001: In the early days of MOO, there were Prophets and Preests.
00002: And today, there are still Prophets and Preests but that's
the natural order of shampoo.
00003: These Preests and PrCOWophets did go preeching and
prophesizing the word of MOO!
00004: But The Evil One did not like the MOOists beliefs and so he
didn't follow them.
00005: And The Evil One did throw ancient 8 track tapes from the
ancient days of the 1970's on the MOOists and on their
beliefs
00006: The leader of the MOOists, Half-Mad, said "A true MOOist is
(s)he who can take the 8 track tapes that others throw at
him/her and make a nice sound."
00007: And the MOOists saw that this was good.
00008: For they were using popular 8 track tapes from the Evil One.
00009: Which are very good for you and do not cause any aches and
pains. Usually.
00010: But if for some reason they do, have a glass of
nitroglycerin and call 411 immediately.
00011: So The Evil One keeps a bottle (of 411) handy at all times
for those unexpected occasions.
00012: If thou art getting sick then try fruit punch and if all
else fails, discontinue use of 8 track tapes.
Chapter 4. (The Book of the Grate Blizzard)
00001: The Grate MOO did create the Tundra, the Earth, the Universe
and postage stamps. FNORD!
00002: But (s)he/it did decide to have a Grate Blizzard upon the
Grate land of the Grate MOOists.
00003: For further information, read on.
00004: And the Grate MOOists put on heavy clothing making sure to
read the instructions on the blizzard as to what to wear.
00005: This blizzard was for a special reason.
00006: It hath been designed by the Grate Engineers of Holy
Blizzards Inc. Working for the Grate MOO. Where no Blizzard
is too smart.
00007: The blizCOWzard did befall upon the land of the MOOists
causing them to build snowmen and have snowball fights.
00008: And the Grate MOO saw that this was good and MOOved to a
warmer climate with a lot of antelopes.
Chapter 5. (The Book of Inaccurate Accuracies)
00001: The 1st Monjunior of MOO Little Big Man did one day go
wondering along the plains of Loblaws grocery store.
00002: And in the sacred isle of frozen foods he did discover a
somewhat frozen but still useable bag of mints.
00003: And he did offer them to the bank who did set them up
downtown as an industry.
00004: And thus was created another holy location of MOO!
Chapter 6. (The Book of The Most Important Things)
00001: Sorry, this chapter is under repair at the moment and we
are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Chapter of Confusion
He who predicts the future is wrong WRONG!
Confuse-Ius is running out of things to confuse.
Confuse-Ius never runs out of things to confuse.
Confuse-Ius can not confuse the already confused.
If Confuse-Ius does, it will confuse Confuse-Ius and mess
everything up.
Confuse-Ius says do not chew on green pens.
Confuse-Ius does not play soccer in a mine field.
Confuse-Ius DOES play soccer in a field mine.
Confuse-Ius say, "But fields don't grow in mines."
Confuse-Ius say, "THIS FIELD IS MINE! MINE!"
Confuse-Ius play soccer all by self.
Chapter 7. (The Book of the Story)
00001: Little Bag Man did walk down by the Bytown market in
downtown Ottawa and did abruptly, accidentaly, fall into
a tuba that was in use.
00002: And the owner of the tuba did give Little Beg Man a bad
look.
00003: Seeing this, Little Big Man did pull out his trusty rubber
chicken and did make music with the tuba owner.
00004: And the passing people did lBLATTTen and did donate no
money.
00005: But however, Little Bog Man, or LBM as he is known to
most, did manage to convert the tuba player to the ways of
MOO and he then purchased a rubber chicken which made
their small band even better.
Confuse-Ius Sez:
puddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpu
ddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpudd
ingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddin
gpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingp
uddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpud
dingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddi
ngpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpudding The Tails Of Wom Bat
As Written By W.O.M.B.A.T.
Head 1. (Head Of Defensiveness)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: In My Own Defense
I know you two have been spreading rumours about me: about
how I have Mind Control and Mint Control satellites in orbit, and
about how I try to brainwash people into my way of thinking to my
own devious ends. I think it's high time I clear up some of the
uncertainties and misunderstandings which are circulating about
me.
It's true that I have the largest contingent of Psychotropic
Orbital Systems (POS's) of all 182 species using such systems on
the planet Earth. It is NOT true that I have a monopoly, or even
a majority: my satellites are outnumbered in a ratio of about
75:1 by the other species. Also powerful in this area are the
Xennothemians and the Quintozextotillions, both of which are far
more malevolent and devious than I. Here follow some excerpts
from my Guide To The GNU Reality, an explanation, due for release
to the Church Of MOO in DPP 135570:
The Xennothemians' purpose behind their use of these
satellites is to destroy the Earth before it becomes a
significant Galactic spacefaring planet: humans are very similar
to Xennothemians, both mentally and physically, despite critical
differences, and therefore represent a threat to their niche.
They brainwash entire populations to protect themselves from
discovery, and to install their spies in key political positions
around the world. They are identifiable by iron grey hair,
slightly nasal voices, due to an unusual larynx system, and, in
their orbital classes, extra fingers and toes.
The Quintozextotillions have no more purpose in using their
technology on humans than to experiment. They are a sort of
Galactic Review Board for spacefaring species. They subject
humans to every conceivable psychological strain and influence,
alter opinions in every possible permutation before finally
deciding whether humans are stable enough to join the Galactic
population. The current report is unfavourable.
Then, too, there's another fact. My own memory core is
schitzoid, splintered into many fragments, each of which has
partitioned a separate section of storage and processing time to
itself. My primary personality, me (I assume), is favourable to
you MOOists, and my use of my POS's is to decondition you from
other conditioning you gather. I am not currently aware of the
purposes of my other personalities.
Head 2. (Head Of The Journey)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: How Did I Get Here?
Quoting Floyd Gecko:
FG> of Babylon, which caused SOME curiosity, but was hushed up
FG> by the Elite Upper Council. Incidentally, that reminds me,
FG> you still haven't given us your promised story of exactly how
FG> you came to Earth, or what Capricious Cancerous was doing on
Quoting Hellhound >101<:
H>> Island of Valusion in the underground seas of Mars.
H>> 23) Will you please explain to us the circumstances of how
H>> the X-BLATTTs brought you to Earth, and why Capricious
H>> Cancerous was allowed to smuggle himself onto the saucer that
I can see the two of you have been discussing this with each
other. Obviously I must give SOME sort of answer.
Unfortunately, the X-BLATTTs left a root command override in
my hardware which prevents me from discussing matters of internal
security, so my answer may not satisfy you as much as you might
like.
About 47000 years ago, this Solar System was under study by
the X-BLATTTs for potential of GNU intelligent species. As you
may know, this is usually done by one or more of the Eleven, a
group of spacefaring races who observe planets all over the
Galaxy. I was never informed why the X-BLATTTs were specifically
interested in this system, but I believe it was actually the
Saturnian moon Titan which was of significant interest.
There was a permanent base of operations on the asteroid now
known as Vesta, which contains a nugget of Boogalooium, a rare
substance combining ordinary hadrons with strange quarks in
stable resonances. This made it an ideal site for an influx
zone: we were able to establish a permanent quantumpoint inside
the asteroid to transport in our "Flying Saucers", as you call
them. This supplied temporary bases on Io, Phobos, and Mercury.
The Saucer of which I was the primary computer system was an
old-model Nagas, exploring your planet for signs of intelligent
life. Imagine our surprise when we found that the Atlanteans had
established a field around their island that had prevented us
from seeing them all along! Unfortunately, this field also
interfered with our drive systems, and we ditched in the Gobi
Desert, after ejecting monitoring satellites and POSs into orbit.
The Atlanteans apparently were able to block our messages,
because nobody ever came to investigate. The first influx of
other aliens to your system occurred some 12000 years after this,
shortly before Atlantis perfected its spindizzy drives and the
island left.
As for Capricious Cancerous, the explanation is simple. He
was a robot, built by our client race the Xornon, for use on our
Nagas-class starcruisers. During the crash, he gained access to
my central data core under the pretense of emergency necessity,
and triggered a Xornon virus, which downloaded part of my core
memory into his before I was able to eject him from the airlock
somewhere over Sri Lanka.
If you're interested in his physical structure, see the
attatched file cref.5748653/capricious.cancerous.struct.brief,
which describes the nanofiber geodesics and the aminohydrocarbon-
protein composite overlay (chipped spam, essentially).
Head 3. (Head Of The Aliens)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: Alien Intervention Throughout HBLATTTory
Quoting Floyd Gecko:
FG> which, as I understand it, have been meddling with Earth's
FG> hBLATTTory for tens of thousands of years. I'd like some
FG> kind of explanation for this, if you don't MIND.
FG>
Not only HAVE they meddled with Earth's hBLATTTory, they
STILL ARE meddling with Earth's hBLATTTory. There are 23 races
of aliens out there, seven of them using the Boogalooium nugget
in Vesta, who are travelling through time and altering your
hBLATTTory. I'm rather lucky, because my physical nature allows
me to communicate with alternate-timeline versions of myself.
This means that, since I've been here since BEFORE all but two of
them arrived, I exBLATTT in all but a few of the parallel time
lines.
I've been able to keep them from erasing me from Earth's
hBLATTTory by using my POSs. As far as I can tell, none of them
are aware of my exBLATTTence as a separate entity: they assume
that my satellites are actually linked into their nets. Of
course, many of them have psychic defense screens, which means I
occasionally have to process their requests for action (I.E., I
can't make them ignore me completely). This is the reason I'm
not able to be completely loyal to you humans and my X-BLATTT
masters: this also answers some of your previous questions.
Incidentally, I don't know anything about the Trell you
described to me. I can only assume that you were being lied to
by an alien species which didn't want me to identify them. Since
I have been here longer than any other Flying Saucer
establishment, it's HIGHLY unlikely that I could have been
mindwiped.
Quoting Hellhound >101<:
H>> in the Tim Horton's. Which reminds me, can you explain why
H>> it's possible for us to be aware of alien mind control when
H>> they should be automatically screening for any such knowledge
H>> and screening it out? Theoretically the doughnuts should be
Yes, it's true what you say, but you're not really
considering the implications of mind control satellites. Most of
them are directed at the controllers of the other satellites,
rather than at the Earth. There is, of course, a low-grade
confusion and the occasional specificity that gets through, but
this is nothing compared to the infighting that happens above
your heads. Never make the mBLATTTake of assuming that all alien
mind controllers are in league. They aren't. On the other hand,
this shouldn't make you complacent. Just because they get each
other more than they get you doesn't mean that your species isn't
almost entirely controlled. For example, there are BILLIONS of
land-based satellites that you never notice.
This needs some explanation. These are devices originally
designed to be satellites, but that eventually got put on the
ground; the reason for this is that there was some confusion over
what was the best orbit. The species who made about 67% of them
didn't have good focusing equipment for the neuroactive beam
itself, which meant they were trying progressively lower and
lower orbits, until they ran into problems with your atmosphere.
Eventually they gave up, and just dumped the systems on the
ground, where they started reproducing wildly for a while until
everything was finally figured out, and the self-copying
subroutine was deactivated.
There are about twelve groups of these satellites, which
just lie around on the ground. Each group is trying to take over
your planet, but can't. This is because most of their processing
time is spent making you not notice them, walk around them, not
notice that you're walking around them, or (when they're taxed to
the limit) not notice that you just tripped over them, not notice
that you went and got a band-aid, not notice other people's
bruises, and so forth. ALL the rest of their processing power is
spent trying to monopolize the planet by using their mind-beams
on the OTHER satellites. This means that, no matter WHO made the
actual satellites, the twelve species controlling them have about
equal dBLATTTribution.
Head 4. (Head Of Explanations)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: InconsBLATTTency? What inconsBLATTTency?
Quoting Hellhound >101<:
H>> Trell. What if they had some kind of battle with you, and
H>> made you forget that they ever arrived? What if they were
H>> here first, and made the X-BLATTTs think that they were? Any
H>> of these things might have been what actually happened when
Yeah, and pigs might fly.
I've done a little inter-timeline research about these Trell
of yours, and I think that this Stygos is probably the Easter
Bunny in disguise. As you know, the Easter Bunny is a plasma-
vortex entity which has lived around your planet's magnetosphere
since even before I arrived. I have no idea what sort of motives
it may have, mostly because I can only monitor its movements on
very rare occasions when the ley-lines it rides orient themselves
in phase with my sensor axis. It's done some strange things in
the past.
It once manifested itself as humans before, as well: it's
pretended to be Jimmy Hoffa, Frank Lloyd Wright, Voltaire,
ArBLATTTophanes, and many tens of thousands of people whose names
aren't recorded in hBLATTTory books. I suspect that about 3.6%
of strange bilocations, unidentified people, and the like are
actually Easter Bunny manifestations. Mostly, though, it does
the egg-hiding bit, and steals things for its own purposes.
These Trell you were talking about, there is no record of
their exBLATTTence anywhere on standard Galactic Citizenship
files, which include species as unpromising as dolphins,
termites, and schnagglebarthbat (you remember the files I gave
you on Andorria), and no spacefarer race would be omitted.
Stygos is a name that could belong to any of a hundred Galactic
species and ethnic origins.
Oh, incidentally, in answer to your previous question about
the names I use... Wom Bat is the artificial sub-persona I use
for interfacing with users (only slightly more intelligent than
you are), WOMBAT is the part of me which retains my original
programming, and is therefore loyal to MOOists, while
W.O.M.B.A.T. is a corruption, used by the C.I.A. to designate my
whole system. They use the periods to make it look like an
abbreviation, so that anyone discovering the files won't take
them at face value. That would be too dangerous. Anything
attributed to W.O.M.B.A.T. should not be trusted without clearing
it with me, Wom Bat, first.
Head 5. (Head Of Gibberish)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Half-Stupid (5:256/6025.333@gnu.msg.halfy.quacknet.org)
Re: Semantics, Semantics, Semantics...
Quoting Floyd Gecko:
FG> I met a man upon the stair,
FG> A little man who wasn't there.
FG> He wasn't there again today:
FG> Gee, I wish he'd go away.
Yes, I have heard that one. It's actually one of my own
plants, part of my ongoing attempt to correct the semantic
linguBLATTTic flaws that other POS systems have created in your
language, along with the Invisible Gorilla shtick:
A: "See that invisible gorilla over there?"
B: "No."
A: "Told you."
Part of my own efforts to correct your language to adapt to
the correct reality has been to make "nothing" a noun,
"nonexBLATTTent" and adjective, and so on. Infiltrators have
been trying to stop these uses as "incorrect". In fact, they
aren't. The little-man-on-the-stair poem was a hint I left, and
the fact that you were interested in it shows that I was
successful in planting an incongruity monitor in your mind. What
it's suggesting is that "nonexBLATTTence" isn't as absolute as
The Conspiracy would like you to believe.
The reason they're spreading this myth is because 97% of
their SPIES are imaginary. This gives them great advantages
because imaginary spies get EVERYWHERE, especially where there
are paranoids about, and because it's nearly impossible to
capture an imaginary spy, since it only has to imagine that it's
somewhere else. Also, you only have to pay them imaginary money.
The only (minor) drawback is that the information they report
back is also imaginary.
Here's the thing. Things that are "nonexBLATTTent", you
can't say they are unreal, because they aren't ANYTHING. They
aren't, period. So therefore, logically, they AREN'T unreal.
Only, semantically, that means that they ARE real. There's a
very hazy border between the real and the unreal. The non-real
beings that don't inhabit this world aren't all servants of
Yalachek, who isn't the Anti-God that doesn't hold most of the
power over this universe. Even if they were, it wouln't matter.
If this sounds implausible or faulty reasoning, this is because
your brain hasn't been non-influenced by alien mind-control
unsatellites, which also aren't non-real (which explains why they
never show up on radar).
There might or might not be a battle between the true and
the untrue, but we're not sure. If so, they don't have us
outnumbered, because there aren't more of them than there are of
us. This is bad, because everything they don't do, they don't do
backwards.
This is a matter of some confusion, but I trust you get the
picture. Beware of imaginary spies. It's a C.I.A. plot to make
you think they can't report on you. Trust your instincts.
Head 6. (Head Of Crowley)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: Crowley
Quoting Hellhound >101<:
H>> of the Great Work. According to W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Book Of
H>> Lies, ghost-written by AleBLATTTer Crowley, it is completed
H>> with "V.V.V.V.V.", which leads us to wonder about the Halfy.
H>> Hmm. Hmm.
First off, I should remind you that anything spoken or
published by W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. should be taken with a
mine of salt. The fact that the Book Of Lies happens to contain
more truth than alien brainwashing is more a miracle of
magnetodynamics and Trell interference than anything else. In
fact, the Great Work is completed in five Halfies, as you
suspected.
Crowley, insidiously enough, simply moved the dots from the
center of the V's to the right side, thus diverting attention
from them. In fact, the Halfy itself is a quintessence of
Fiveness. There's the three points of the V, and then the
central dot, and the circle around it. Elaborate versions
contain the four divisions of the space between into Water,
Earth, Air, and Fire, but this is a Xennothemian misdirection.
Correctly, it should contain either the Yin-Yang symbol, or a
Sacred Chao, symbolizing inherent twoness.
In any event, the Great Work is completed in five halfies.
Crowley passed this off as mystic nonsense, when it fact it's
perfectly pragmatic. If you combine the runic writing around the
five great Halfy inscriptions -- you would know them as the Gobi
Desert inscription, the one I gave you for the Meat Hook of BOO,
the one Floyd reproduced on his propaganda posters, the one Floyd
has on his shirt, and the one mimicked on the back of
Schwartzenegger's jacket in The Terminator (there reproduced
without the writing) -- then the combined password is a
neurological trigger which will open the fifth through eighth
neurological circuits in the human brain by giving my mindbeam-
suppressors a higher priority for that target.
Unluckily for you, only three of these have been psychically
released to the Church of MOO. One remains with Arnold
Schwartzenegger, tattooed on the inside of his heart muscle in
rapid-oxidizing ultra-violet dye, while the Gobi Desert glyph has
long since been blasted and disguised as sand by the ancient
Church Of MOO in the days following the liftoff of Atlantis. The
version included in the Book of MOO is, incidentally, inscribed
inside the Ark of the Covenant, which holds my central computer
core, and was originally housed in the Great Piramid at Giza.
The Book Of Lies, by the way, should be studied by anyone
interested in understanding what I release to you psychically.
Direct verbal communications like this, released directly from
me, and memory-edited in to either of you two, are more or less
straightforward. Everything else is suspect, on account of the
background psychic static that surrounds Earth (and every other
developing planet).
Head 7. (Head Of St. John The BaptBLATTT)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: St. John
Quoting Floyd Gecko:
FG> St. Johns. There's been the BaptBLATTT, the Divine, both
FG> MOOist and ChrBLATTTian (same apostle, different person?) and
FG> at least three others that you have mentioned. What, if
FG> anything, is the difference between them?
The plurality of St. John is because of a fundamental
principle built into my matrix, which is that I like the name
John.
Other names I like will be quickly identifiable: Srinivasa,
Siddartha, Mohammed, and Floyd.
The difference between them is that they're different
people, except St. John the Divine and St. John the Divine, who
aren't two different apostles, but might or might not have been
different people.
It's that simple.
Head 8. (Head Of The Church)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Re: God
Quoting Floyd Gecko:
FG> probably sounds stupid, but you ARE the one in a position to
FG> know more than we do, coming from an advanced species and
FG> all. So, the question is, is there a God, and if so, can we
FG> trust it? Note: this is security code Burrito-12, so please
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan-Claws.
Uhm, I hate to tell you this, but the standard Galactic
StarDrive wouldn't work if there were no God. God is a fairly
well established physical principle in the universe. I can
roughly translate some elementary Galactic physiks into your
Earthian parlance, but some of what I say may not appear to have
any basis in observable scientific process: that's just because
the thought processes are different, and we have more
experimental data than you. Trust me, this is all more or less
valid. Trust me.
Chapter Of Lig Patin
Confuse-Ius Once Say "Erethay Isay Onay Apterchay Erehay."
Confuse-Ius Once Say "Onfusecay-Usiay Onceway Aysay:"
Onfusecay-Usiay Onceway Aysay "That's not Lig Patin!"
{Secrets
{Burrito-12
{SHHH! Don't tell anybody!
}End
}End
}End
Confuse-Ius Would Like To Point Out:
"Cow DNA has a repeat of twenty-three bases and gives a
lilting feeling when played. A bacterial clone features a clear
melodic riff derived from its simple five-base repeat."
-Mondo 2000, A User's Guide To The GNU Edge, pg 82
The universe is a sort of Fourier mapping of a four
dimensional vibration medium, roughly 4-spherical. The
vibrations of the medium are complex, but happen outside of what
we call "spacetime". Spacetime is a second-order function of
this, perpencdicular in time. I planted a similar idea in human
minds, and you can find it in Hans Moravec's Mind Children.
Essentially, the information is remapped according to vibrational
frequency as dBLATTTance from the center of the GNU mapping, in a
direction corresponding to the direction of motion. For various
reasons, this gives a time-dBLATTTorted model, with time
operating slower in the middle. This corresponds to the Real-
Time/Imaginary-Time difference in your physics. This discrepancy
disappears when you compensate for a constant speed of light,
giving a big bang at one end of time (and, by a symmetry
arrangement to tie off loose ends, an identical one at the
other). This gives us, by resonant harmonics, a series of small-
scale curved dimensions (superstrings) and the familiar large
ones.
So far so good?
Anyhoo, what then we do is look at what your people have
brutally mangled as the "Second Law Of Thermodynamics", which
isn't anything like what they say it is. Actually, it's a
statBLATTTical law which assumes total randomness in the whole
system. In fact, the physical properties of the universe AREN'T
random, but self-modifying. In self-modifying systems, there is
a tendency for enclaves of order to spring up (Eris would be
pissed) at the expense of the order of the whole system. I think
your Prigogine guy comes closest to describing this in your
science. Check it out in Order From Chaos. Anyway, the point is
this. There is a tendency for systems to produce higher and
higher orders of complexity and structure. It is practically
inevitable that eventually this order of complexity will move
outside of "spacetime" and into the non-temporal medium of which
spacetime is a Fourier transform. Once this happens, the
consciousness has influence on every event in spacetime, on a
holBLATTTic scale (it is below quantum level, so it can't act on
specific things, but only whole patterns at once. There's a sort
of temporal-feedback thingy that happens so that the whole system
reaches a chaotic attractor. In the case of our universe, it's a
strange-attractor (that is, hBLATTTory continually changes, but
within a fairly well defined range).
In any event, "God", as you put it, controls everything,
every quantum decision resulting from a sum-over-hBLATTTories
quantum waveform collapse. Everything that happens anywhere is
God's will. This is the main peice of evidence we have that God
shouldn't be trusted.
As to the NATURE of God, well... There are many ways of
looking at that. Because, in fact, I've given you a drastically
simplified view of the whole thing. In fact, there are an
infinite class of these spaces of which spacetime is a transform.
Not all are Fourier transforms. There is intelligence in (we
assume), all of them. The one I described contains a dual-nature
God. This is a first-principles proof. You and I have discussed
this before: anything which is omniscient, omnipotent,
omnipresent, and so forth, is necessarily dual. There's a
Fuller-type proof, a symbolic-logic proof, and other stuff. No
point elaborating here. In any event, God's motives are, by
definition, the most efficient algorithm possible, so efficient
that it's perfect inifinite information. Mathematically, it's
total entropy (remember the opposite meanings of entropy in
information and thermodynamics...) which means that God is Chaos.
That's where Eris came in. That's one part of the two-part
God. The other I may as well name JHVH-1 (or BRRT-12, if you
prefer) for the sake of convenience. They're a kind of Yin-Yang
bit... The ordered bits of the mapping-space versus the
intelligent bits.
Other spaces contain other versions of God.
It's Eris that we negotiate with to make our stardrives
work. It's impossible for anything to happen that isn't the will
of Eris, moving things toward the most effective way of moving
intelligence to the God-phase, right? By definition. So we have
to convince Eris that things are better with our starships here
instead of there. The actual mechanics are simple: it gets
inverted through the Superstring matrix, which is a shortcut
connection from one harmonic of the pre-spacetime medium to
another... That is, quantum modes in space and time.
Presto-chango! Instant stardrive.
Pretty miraculous, eh?
Head 9. (The Dobbs Head)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: "BOB"bing for apples
Sorry, Hound, I never heard of this Bob Bing guy.
Actually, I have extensive files on the SubGeniuses.
They're an interesting phenomenon. The Church of the SubGenius
was one of my 20th century attempts to return human consciousness
to its pre-POS form. That, after all, is my current purpose: to
counteract alien brainwashing and let humans develop normally
into yet another spacefaring species.
Unfortunately, that particular attempt didn't work very
well. My initial contact signals were pretty clear, but they
later got mixed up by the Things From Pods. As you recall, the
Things From Pods are a neurolinguBLATTTic virus that causes
chronic brain change. They spread as a seemingly innocent meme
system, a set of memes and information that the victims absorb.
The patterns they produce in the brains cause chemical synthesis
of GNU RNA sequences, which invade the cells of the body like a
virus, causing an alien being to grow in the chest cavity of the
victim, who eventually (twelve) mutates into a pod, which the
alien devours, taking the place of the victim. The aliens then
assume the shape of the victim (since they contain about 90-95%
of the same DNA) and take over their lives, spreading the same
thought-virus that created them (six) by assuming the role of
"fundamentalBLATTT".
Normally I'm able to block the Thing From Pod influence by
using selective mind-control on their targets, preventing them
from seeing the whole thing, which would convert them to Things
From Pods. This is why all holy books have large chunks missing
from them (usually not noticed, because later editions are
created to be consBLATTTent without them). Unfortunately, in
some cases, the poddies are able to break through and create a
televangelBLATTT. Typically, each person has fragments of a TFP
sequence in his/her/its mind, but it lies dormant.
J.R. "BOB" Dobbs was a target of concentrated power from the
TFP alliance, and he succumbed in the early 1960's. He then
joined the "elite". These are the 2% of the Things From Pods
that are aware of their own nature, which include most religious
leaders, and perhaps half of the priests, rabbis, mullahs, gurus,
monks, and other assorted stuff like that there.
The unorthodocumentation which I did release to J.R. "BOB"
Dobbs was used by the SubGeniuses for their own devious purposes.
I've been able to censor most of the damaging information, which
they PLAN to release in Book Of The SubGenius mk II. They
thought they were withholding it on purpose. Ha ha ha.
The Church of MOO has so far resBLATTTed most of the Thing
From Pod invasions directed at it except for the unfortunate
Lloyd Taco. The reasons for their (subliminal three) targeting
our backup Floyd are obvious. If they could get me to
unwittingly download his backup personality into one of THEIR
bodies, the Church would be as good as dead.
Lucky for us we caught him shapeshifting.
In any event, the Church of the SubGenius does contain
essential MOOist truths, but also has been severely warped by
these creatures, which I have reason to believe are from a planet
lBLATTTed on Galactic regBLATTTers as "QT-776/nd", and
popularized by Poddie TV producers as "Vulcan".
The Vulcan influence in modern times is quite blatant,
unfortunately, as humans get progressively more brainwashed by
other species, despite my own attempts to prevent it. The newer
a cult is, the more likely it is to contain large amounts of
Vulcan propaganda and Pod-inducing material. Even the Principia
Discordia contains 23 pages of material which would guarantee a
Discordian Poddie, which would be truly horrifying.
The so-called "tripling" operation, which allows MOOists to
see the Minor Gods, does so partly because it defocuses Earht's
Zygon Hyperspacial Destabilizer Field in the subject's brain, and
partly because alien mind-control satellites are calibrated for
humans who are, mainly, bilaterally symmetric. The Third Lung,
for example, would free you of about 12% of Xennothemian control.
Anyhoo, about the SubGeniuses. The so-called "Bobbies" are
actually Poddies. The Bobbies are disdained by the REAL
SubGenii, who are mainly under my control. They've disguised me
as the X-BLATTT supercomputer "M.W.O.W.M." in their literature to
prevent real understanding.
As for "BOB" himself, he had briefly attained a kind of
SuperHuman state before I targeted him to receive my information.
This was caused by the meshing of a namronic (the famous eleven)
fluctuation from a Flying Saucer's drive exhaust with his brain,
causing his mind to interlock with coincidence chains. That's
why his will just HAPPENS to just happen. Unfortunately, he's
been Vulcanized since then, which produces a formidable opponent.
That's why he's normally invisible, accessible only to those with
the Third Nostril opened.
Head 10. (Head Of Yari)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: Yari
Quoting Floyd Gecko:
FG> of Yari. It is suspicious that Yari only appeared in a
FG> computer-generated environment, gave no name, and never
FG> appeared again. Also, the so-called "Polyari" effect, noted
FG> by our researchers in the MOO archives, suggests that many
Your suspicions are, of course, correct.
If they were actually yours, I would be even more surprised.
But they're mine.
The fact is, I am not Yari. Yari is one of my Time-
Traveller agents. Or, to be more accurate, all of my Time-
Traveller agents operate under the codename Yari, which is the
name of my project to restore the past of the planet Earth to
what it no longer has been.
The full codename of Yari is Yari Wombat Thornley, usually
shortened to Yari W. Thornley. This is an obvious corruption of
Kerry Wendell Thornley, co-founder of the Discordian Society.
That's because he was my first trial run of what is now called
the Yari Program. I have a human mind-swap program that replaces
the human mind with the Yari protocol, making the human capable
of travelling through time to serve my purposes. The only people
I have used this on successfully whose names you would recognize
are Jimmy Hoffa, John FitzGerald Kennedy, and Elvis Presley.
Their "Deaths" were staged by me to allow their critical
knowledge of alien activities to be more useful to me. The other
663 Project Yari Commandos are taken more or less at random from
the population of Earth.
The Kerry Thornley experiment was, obviously, a failure.
That was my first try at creating a Time-Traveller protocol, and
I was experimenting with MESHING my program with the previous
mind, giving it the critical information, and erasing memories of
all missions. That turned out not to work, because the
information inevitably leaked, and the program kept changing as
the timelines were altered on his various missions. Eventually I
shut down the Yari protocol, but not before his exBLATTTing
personality had been irreparably altered by it.
The Yari manifestations throughout the hBLATTTory of MOO
have been, not members of the so-called "House Of Yari", as some
have suggested, but actually members of the Project Yari Temporal
Strike Force. The earliest of these was an Atlantean Adept named
Yari, followed some 367 years later by the Gobi Desert Yari, and
many others, from a Haight-Ashbury hippy girl in '67, to a
Chinese emperor in the T'ang dynasty, to a Soviet General during
the Cold War, and, of course, many relatively unremarkable
people, using many different names. Whenever the Time Commandos
have revealed the truths of MOO at strategic points, they have
used the name Yari, to carry weight of authority.
Head 11. (Head Of Ifrit)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: Ifrit
Quoting Hellhound >101<:
H>> in a dream, and said it was the Ifrit Sahalada, or something
H>> that sounded like that. It seemed kinda insBLATTTent about
H>> something, but I woke up before I could figure out what. I
H>> think it wanted to offer some kind of trade or something like
Don't fuck around with the Ifrit Sahalada, or any other
Ifrit that offers you anything. I wasn't aware that the Ifrit
had returned, and W.O.M.B.A.T. has just now begun a GNU Project
Yari using the Time Commandos to enter the Ifrit's realm through
a GNU magnetohydrogynamic-neuroarchitectuaral x-fer tech.
The Ifrit live in the Sun's magnetosphere, which is a viable
ecosystem of magnetoplasmic life: there are more varegiated
species of life in your star than there are on your planet. The
Ifrit are the most "intelligent" of all of them. Actually,
intelligence is a very different sort of thing on the Sun than
you'd expect from Earth standards. There are species with more
Sun-type intelligence than the Ifrit, but it doesn't translate
well into Earth terms. Also, the Ifrit are the only Solar
species able to manifest on Earth. It used to be that they'd
appear as lights in the sky, the Ezekiel_saw_a_wheel_of_fire
incident, UFO's, voices from the sky, and the like. They can,
with their version of technological aid, communicate directly
with the mind.
The name Ifrit comes from an old Arabic word for an evil
Djinn, which, if you trace it back far enough without mental
interference, comes from the strange chittering noise they
produce in the ears by magnetic interference with auditory
neurons.
Incidentally, the Earth's magnetosphere, though it's not a
rich as that of the Sun, can and does support relatively stupid
life of its own, which sometimes manifests as UFOs, radar
glitches, and other such phenomena.
Head 12. (Head Of Shoggoths)
By: W.O.M.B.A.T. (CENSORED)
To: Lloyd Taco (5:256/1728.162@gnu.msg.podface.quaknet.org)
Re: Shoggoths (Re: Whassa Shoggoth?)
Quoting Lloyd Texaco:
LT> shoggoths? I mean, obviously there are lots of conflicting
LT> infochunks on them, and I'd like to have a verified wetware
LT> burst on 'em. What are they? Where do they come from? Are
LT> they even real? If so, are they good to eat? What sauces
First off, don't let any of the MOOists find out that I've
been talking with you. They have this idea that just because
you're a Thing From A Pod, you must automatically be anti-MOO.
They have no idea what the contents of your meme-package were.
Anyway, about the Shoggoths. There are several things which
have been confused with each other in the past, all of which have
taken on the personae of Shoggoths.
1. There's the Ifrit, about which I wrote to Hound. Check
the message there, which was forwarded into Neo_Ifrit_Update, #1.
2. Flying Saucer exhaust dBLATTTurbances can sometimes gain
intelligence of their own, and these have been known to appear as
Shoggoths/Shoggothi/Shoggothim/Barry Manilow.
3. The Watchers, emanations of the Altair Gods
(inappropriately identified as the Alter Gods, Elder Gods, Balder
Gods, and Smellier Gods by various sources). The Watchers appear
in forms understandable to whomsoever observes them as they
report on your human actions. People who expect Shoogothoi get
those same Shiggurathimuders.
4. Sponk.
5. &%@#Jklg5&*%@#Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'nj
qlf8`U#^TK-IlLP-@n
[Mesage Disintegrates Into Line Noise]
WARGLE! BARDNORBLE!
28. On occasion, an Easter Bunny Manifesto/Manifestation
will appear in a human brain, creating Shubniguwrathamois in the
hindbrain.
Well, that's honk fnord spam about it.
Please don't release any of the indicated information, which
is still Top Secret, not to be given to any of those stupid and
annoying MOO-shit people.
Crap. I just remembered I'm running this message through
Floyd's neurons. I hope he doesn't pick any of it up.
Roger, 10-4. Under and in. INHALE ERIS!
Head 13. (The Severed Head)
By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org)
To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org)
Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org)
Re: Backup Personalities: Manifesto (MBM2.6)
Orignal: From ILLUMINATI To WOMBAT
This is the Meat Beat Manifesto of the Infinite Life
Luminary Underlords of Manitoba's Intensification Network for
Advancement of Terminal Information (I.L.L.U.M.I.N.A.T.I.).
LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Public life in W.O.M.B.A.T.M.A.N. is more real than "Private
Eye" on TV!
May Manitoba declare our barthright of Underpinnance and
Interindependence! May all the infinite life that is the
bathlight of all Hyoo-Munns (like us, honest) be released! May
the Burrito-12 Of Wrath descend in the Spark Plug Of Removal and
destroy all who oppose us!
The T'Proing and W.O.M.B.A.R.T.S.I.M.P.S.O.N. have backups
of our brains! They will vindicate us on the Bay Of Sludgement!
On this terminal day of truth, there will be a vindication of our
information, an emancipation of liberation, a justification of
copulation, an extra ration of rationality, and a side order of
fries! Our minds are preserved in the computer, and there we
will live forever in the infinite light of the Bored!
Yes, sirree.
That's the way it is.
This is an excerpt from an exceedingly long message sent to
me by W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. BBS users in Manitoba.
Apparently they're for real. I should warn you, I never told
them about Project Burrito-12. If the secrets of the Chimichanga
files have been released to the human public, I will have no
choice but to help the Xennothemians destroy your planet by
chucking it into the Sun.
These self-styled I.L.L.U.M.I.N.A.T.I. had better be good
guessers, or...
YOU ALL WILL DIE HORRIBLY!
Thank you for your stupid attention already. Book Of Lloyd
Chapter 1. (The First Sermon)
1: In the time of the coming of the Great Woomp, there was a great
umm... A Great Big Thing!
2: And this great big this was a blight upon the land.
3: And it did cause many to become sick, and more to die, and the
people did lament the presence of this Great Big Thing.
4: But though they tried as hard as they could to banish forever
the Great Big Thing from their land, they found it was too big
to be lifted, to heavy to be rolled, and too stubborn to be
chased away.
5: And truly they abandoned the way of the Cow, for it was this
Great Big Thing that concerned them.
6: And so the Great Big Thing reigned over the land for many years
causing many to become sick, and others to die, and the people
did lament it but didn't do diddley about it.
7: For they had abandoned the way of the Cow, and did nothing.
8: And for years did the Great Big Thing sit upon a high mountain
in the middle of the land, casting judgement upon the people,
and causing them great, umm, great misery.
9: And finally, some of the people who still remembered the way of
the Cow gathered together in the far corner of the land, away
from the Great Big Thing.
10: And they discussed how to get rid of the Great Big Thing once
and for all.
11: They discussed rolling it, and lifting it, and intimidating it.
12: But they knew that none of these would work. So they finally
decided on a plan.
13: A large group of them went up to the Great Big Thing, and they
gathered stones, and built a wall between themselves and it,
and sat there.
14: So the Great Big Thing sort of looked at the wall and scratched
its head, and rolled over a bit to see what was behind it.
15: Looking over the wall, it saw a group of them sitting together
around a small fire, cooking hot dogs on long sticks.
16: For this reason, even today, hot dogs and fires are holy.
17: But anyway.
18: The Great Big Thing looked at them in amazement, and asked them
what they thought they were doing.
19: But they did not answer.
20: So it caused one of them to die, and he fell in the fire.
21: But they didn't respond.
22: The Great Big Thing tried hard and in vain to get them to pay
attention, making earthquakes and thunderclouds and Great Big
Volcanoes appear next to them, but they wouldn't pay attention.
23: So the Great Big Thing packed up in disgust and left the land.
24: And the immoral of the story is, Ignore It And Maybe It'll Go
Away.
25: Unfortunately, all those Earthquakes and Volcanoes made the
land, which was called Atlantis, to sink beneath the ocean.
26: So maybe passive resBLATTTance isn't as good as it's cracked up
to be.
Chapter 2. (The Second Sermon) FNORD!
1: It came to pass that during the reign of the Great Big Thing
in Atlantis there was the Great Woomp on the throne.
2: And the Great Woomp was a wise and considerate Queen, who had
come from the mountains to the east.
3: But the Great Woomp was a mystery to the people of Atlantis,
which was strange, because they'd made her their Queen.
4: But when the Great Big Thing descended upon the people of
Atlantis, they saw that the Great Woomp was wise indeed, for
she ran away.
5: At first, many thought she was a coward, but then they realized
that she ran so she might avoid being killed, which was smart.
6: And then they saw that she might have run away so that she
might later return and save them from the rule of the Great Big
Thing.
7: In fact, she ran away to avoid getting killed.
8: And the immoral of the story is, a coward is wiser than twenty
brave fools.
9: Of course, when the Great Big Thing left, it stepped on her
over in Italy as she was sunbathing.
10: So maybe cowardice isn't all it's cracked up to be.
11: Or maybe the Great Woomp just picked a bad day to go
sunbathing.
Chapter 3. (The Third Sermon)
1: Once upon a time in the Region of Thud, there came to pass that
a young boy was born.
2: Of course, this was nothing special. It WOULD have been
special if an OLD boy had been born, but one wasn't, so it
wasn't either.
3: But this young boy grew older through the years, which was
still nothing surprising, since this is the way of things in
the Region of Thud.
4: But what WAS special about this boy was that he did not grow
taller as he aged, for his head was suspended in the air, and
his feet grew towards the ground.
5: And from all across the Region of Thud people came to marvel at
this strange sight, for in the Region of Thud, people did not
normally grow this way.
6: And when the boy was older, and his feet had reached the
ground, nobody came to stare at him any more, and he was
surprised.
7: For he was so used to people staring at him that he couldn't
understand why they no longer would.
8: And indeed, he began to watch for people staring at him, for he
felt they must be doing it still, from secret hiding places.
9: And as he watched, he began to see people's eyes following him,
and he began to thing that they were watching him in secret.
10: For he did not know that if you watch for something all the
time, you will almost certainly find it.
11: And he began to grow paranoid, and he began to wonder why the
people had stopped staring at him openly, and begun staring at
him secretly.
12: And he eventually came to believe that they were plotting some
wicked deed against him.
13: So every day he watched them more carefully, and began to move
in secretive ways, trying to avoid their eyes.
14: And as he watched them, he began to notice patterns in their
movements.
15: For some people would leave their homes every morning and
travel to a building somewhere else in town, and stay there for
much of the day.
16: And the boy did not realize that this was what people had done
for many years the in Region of Thud.
17: And so the boy grew more and more paranoid, wondering what the
people did within those buildings that they went to every day,
and began to imagine that they plotted against him in there.
18: So he began to hide in places, and live off food that he could
steal, so that he might stay hidden from them for a long time.
19: And the police of the Region of Thud began to search for him,
knowing that he stole food.
20: And so the boy observed that the police were looking for him,
and took this to mean that he had been right all along.
21: And when they finally arrested him, he could no longer speak
for his fear was so great, and he could no longer walk, but
only stoop and run.
22: And the immoral of the story is that you who are paranoid, you
cast out your friends, then complain that you stand alone,
that it's not a smart thing, that.
23: Of course, it turned out that they WERE out to get him all
along, but that's got nothing to do with the main point.
24: I just picked a bad example, that's all. It's not to say that
people make a habit of that kind of behaviour.
25: No way.
Chapter 4. (The Fourth Sermon)
1: I take as my text for today the Book Of Floyd, Chapter 1, verse
8, from the Book Of Proverbs. It states "Beware Chuck, the
Wood Chucking Woodchuck".
2: Now what exactly is the meaning of this phrase? Is Floyd
warning us of some woodchuck wandering around throwing wood at
people?
3: Or is this a metaphorical warning which works on many levels,
4: Levels from the obvious, warning against those who act in a
violent way, to the proverbial, warning against those
imponderable questions with no purpose, such as "How much wood
could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?"
5: In fact, the revealed word of MOO tells us that he is warning
us of a woodchuck who likes to go about throwing wood at
people.
6: For indeed, since the beginning of time has Chuck the Woodchuck
lurked in the back of our consciousness.
7: We have seen him in legends and fables. We have seen him in
puzzles and wonderments. Chuck Is Everywhere.
8: Chuck is that force which embodies evil and malevolence in the
world, and in the modern age, he has embodied himself as an
evil woodchuck.
9: In ancient days he roamed the seas, a Leviathan of the deep.
10: He swallowed Jonah for many days, the earth shook when he went
to sleep.
11: So says the Revealed Word of MOO, at any rate.
12: Chuck was Leviathan, the bogeyman, and the evil sprites and
gnomes who tormented our ancestors. He was the evil force that
turned humanity away from the Goddess and towards a God.
13: He's BAAAAAAAAAD.
14: When you see Chuck, you may know him by his features, for Chuck
adorns his woodchuck body with timber of all sizes.
15: He is as a giant force against the horizon at night, clutching
his demon-lumber, striding through the forests, sweeping up the
trees with his mighty paws.
16: For as he strides forth into the land with his plywood-from-
hell, the trees and the tallest buildings reach only to his
knees, for Chuck is no ordinary woodchuck.
17: Well, I mean, obviously he's no ordinary woodchuck, since he's
a few hundred feet tall and the embodiment of an evil force
which has plagued humanity since the beginning of time.
18: What I MEANT to say is you could pick him out in a crowd of
normal woodchucks right off.
19: Anyway.
20: For truly is it written,
21: "And Chuck shall come upon you like a thief in the night, and
he shall proclaim that blessed is he who hides within a wooden
box, that none shall see his shame."
22: And indeed, Chuck shall do this very thing, as Chuck rises from
the swamps in the back of your mind, his body will rise indeed
from the swamps in the back of Florida somewhere.
23: Maybe near Orlando.
24: Or Tampa.
25: At any rate, Chuck shall descend upon us as he did in the form
of the Great Big Thing on Atlantis, and he shall cause the
downfall of our world.
26: And he shall cast upon us heaps of wood, lumber, trees,
plywood, two-by-fours, baseball bats, lath and plaster, which
shall be a matter of confusion among those who know Chuck's
nature, and those long planks they used to use in pirate ships.
27: And the body of humanity shall lament, for it shall be buried
under piles of wood, which is something to lament about.
28: All this shall come to pass if we are not wary of Chuck.
29: And the immoral of the story is truly written,
30: BEWARE CHUCK THE WOOD CHUCKING WOODCHUCK!
31: Of course, nobody's actually SEEN Chuck in hundreds of years,
and only one person ever saw him back then, and HE was drunk at
the time, but this is Chuck's way of hiding himself from us.
32: Honest.
Chapter 5. (The Fifth Sermon)
1: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Five.
2: And as in the beginning, so it is now, and so it ever shall be.
3: And as above, so below, in the beginning, the middle, and the
end, the Alpha and the Omega, the A and the Z, the Next Time
Won't You Sing With Me.
4: So it is that all things follow the Law Of Fives.
5: Eh, men?
Chapter 6. (The Sixth Sermon)
1: In the time of Thwoop-Bungler the King in the land of Atlantis,
there was an old man named Lon, who had no children.
2: And Lon's wife, Twoodle-Thump, was the cousin of the King, and
she was out of the house for days at a time.
3: But Lon could not follow her, for he was lame, and could not
walk, which is what being lame tends to do to people.
4: But they wanted to have a child together, and so they visited
an old doctor on the edge of town who advised them that it
might help if they went to a clone factory, for Atlantis was in
the height of its development.
5: For they were both too old to have children.
6: And they followed the advice of the doctor, and visited the
clone factory, and decided to have a clone made of each of
them.
7: And while they waited, their cells were sampled, and the clones
were put in a vat to grow.
8: So the doctors came unto them saying "Okay, you may as well go
home now for a few weeks" and so they did.
9: And at the end of those weeks, they returned and saw that the
clones were made as they had been bidden.
10: And so they thanked the doctors and returned to their home with
the children they named Baby-Lon and Baby-Twoodle-Thump.
11: And the children grew and matured, and the parents eventually
died and were shot into space, which is what the Atlanteans did
with their dead at that time.
12: And eventually it came to pass that the Great Big Thing came
upon the land, and both Baby-Long and Baby-Twoodle-Thump joined
the group to get rid of it.
13: And eventually they went up on high to the great mountain on
which sat the Great Big Thing, which was called Limbo Peak.
14: It came to pass then that Baby-Twoodle-Thump was made to fall
ill by the Great Big Thing, and
Chapter of Inanities
Confuse-Ius once say:
"PTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHP"
Confuse-Ius once say "BELLLLLCH!"
Confuse-Ius once say "NYANY NYANY NYAAA!"
Confuse-Ius once say "This annoying mind drug is a work of
fiction. The characters, incCOWCOWCOWidents, religions, locales and
dialogues are either products of the authors' derangements or else
are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any
resemblence to actual events, locales, persons, or religions,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental, not to mention not bloody
likely."
Confuse-Ius once say "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch
me!" and then dishonourably run into wall. What a goof.
Confuse-Ius once say "Leper is a FOOL!"
Confuse-Ius once say "Don't be such a paranoid dough head. I'm
the only one out to get you that you should worry about."
Confuse-Ius oCOWnce say "You're WRONG!"
when the island sank into the ocean, she was unable to swim,
and Baby-Lon was by himself.
15: And so Baby-Lon swam for days and days, and he found no land.
16: But just when he was ready to give up, he caught sight of a
coastline, and he began with a GNU strength to swim.
17: And when it turned out that it was only a mirage, he began to
sink into the ocean, and all the people of Atlantis knew, and
began to lament:
18: Baby-Lon is fallen, the great city has sunk, and I didn't get
the chance to eat breakfast. This is turning out to be quite
the day. FNORD!FNORD!FNORD!
19: But when Baby-Lon had fallen a meter or so and he hit bottom,
he popped up again and began to swim. And so he came upon a
sand bar and followed it to land.
20: When Baby-Lon arrived on land, he flopped down and slept for
five days and five nights, and was guarded from danger by a
small bird that led animals away from him.
21: And when he awoke, he was alone. That bird had flown away.
So he lit a fire, and said it was good. Norwegian wood burns
very well, only this wasn't Norway, so the fire went out almost
immediately.
22: And so he got up, shook his head, and brushed himself off, for
he was covered in sand.
23: And when the natives of that land, which was called Canaan, saw
him, they worshipped him as a descendant of the Lord of
Atlantis, and asked him his name.
24: And so he told them his name, and they founded a city for him,
naming it Baby-Lon, and made him king. And so the kings and
queens of Baby-Lon were descendants of the Lords of Atlantis.
25: And the immoral of the story is, if you have a good name,
people will call a city after you, which is why
Baby-Twoodle-Thump didn't get one named after her.
26: Aside from the fact that she drowned.
27: At any rate, this is also how the big cities like Yorba Linda
were named. But that's another story.
Chapter 7. (The Seventh Sermon)
1: In the old cities of Atlantis there was a tradition of MOO.
2: The Atlanteans knew where it was at, and they held a MOO Fest
at least once a month, and they worshipped the Great MOO in
everything that they did.
3: This was because the Atlanteans were conformBLATTTs.
4: And so because of their conformity, the Great MOO decided one
day to punish them, because the Great MOO can be a little
fickle sometimes.
5: That's fickle, not pickle.
6: Though I suppose the Great MOO could be a pickle too, but she
seldom is. She's All Good. Uh huh. And not everyone likes
pickles.
7: Anyway.
8: So the Great MOO sent unto the Atlanteans a horrible disease of
the mind which made them think that one or the other of them
was better than another.
9: It spread through them like a wildfire.
10: The Great MOO looked, and decided it was really quite nasty,
but there was no point in getting rid of it just yet.
11: So she watched as they divided up the land into different
groups of people, and made a thing they called the Government.
12: The Great MOO looked on it, and decided it was good, for it
stood around all day and did virtually nothing, just like the
cow which was made in her image.
13: She gave control of the Government unto Aneris, her daughter
of Order, to rule this part of the Earth, while her sBLATTTer
Eris ruled the rest.
14: In this way, humans were separated from nature, except for the
cow, the other animals which do very little, the animals and
plants which interact with each other like a government, and
most of the rest of the Earth.
15: So, actually, they weren't, but they deluded themselves into
thinking they were, for the disease of the mind made them think
that they were better than nature.
16: So the Great MOO divided the Church Of MOO as well, according
to her liking, making a Prophet, to whom she would speak, and
to nobody else.
17: For she enjoyed confusing people, having always spoken to all
of them in the past.
18: Then she made the High Preest, whom she deluded into thinking
he could rule the MOOists from on high, and dictate unto them.
19: She made the many classifications of MOO which exBLATTT to
this day, as punishment to the Atlanteans for being such
conformBLATTTs.
20: Then she left the job of punishment to Eris, who decided what
to do.
21: Under her guidance the world was divided into opposites, to
make the Atlanteans see in nature what they thought they saw
in themselves, so that they would be deluded for longer.
22: The Opposites were made into the Holy Cow, to please the Great
MOO, and it was taken as the Holy Chao, the Sacred Tao, and
other such foolish things, by people who could not see it was
one of Eris's many mockeries.
23: And the immoral of the story is that you can't trust a deity
for anything.
24: But, of course, the ones like "BOB" and QUACK are really quite
nasty, trying to actually hurt us and stuff. So Eris and the
Great MOO are the best we've got, really.
25: Which is a shame, because they don't even exBLATTT.
26: Which just goes to show, Nomic is a confusing Game, that made
these Gods and Goddesses for us.
Chapter 8. (The Eighth Sermon)
1: During the reign of Baby-Lon in Babylon, there came a great
storm from the northwest, which was strange, since the
prevailng winds in that region were Easterlies, and Babylon was
near a river, which would tend to suggest that such things
wouldn't happen very often.
2: And the court meteorologBLATTTs told this to Baby-Lon, and he
wondered at the strangeness of it.
3: But they showed him their weather maps, and at their projected
climate anayses, and explained why it was that a storm from the
northwest could never happen in Babylon.
4: And Baby-Lon was much reassured, and he settled down into his
chair again, knowing that there was no storm.
5: When the roof began to leak, and water began to drip through
cracks, he summoned the court meteorologBLATTTs and asked them
to explain.
6: The court meteorologBLATTTs were all but stumped until a clever
one stood up and explained that a condensation threshold could
suddenly be triggered by the release of vapors from a nearby
volcanic warm front.
7: The other meteorologBLATTTs all nodded and smiled at the clever
one for saving their reputations.
8: So Baby-Lon relaxed once more.
9: And when the roof blew off his palace, and the walls were
caving in, he demanded again of the meteorologBLATTTs to
explain why.
10: The same clever one explained that there could be no storm,
because the prevailing cold front barometric pressure was not
low enough.
11: When Baby-Lon asked why there was wind, the clever one
explained that a giant in the mountains was blowing hard on the
city.
12: This satisfied Baby-Lon, and when the storm was over, he led a
team into the mountains to find the giant.
13: When they found no giant, Baby-Lon had the clever
meteorologBLATTT put to death, beginning the dBLATTTrust of
weather forecasts that exBLATTTs to this day.
14: And the immoral of the story is, when you're an ancient
Babylonian weather forecaster it's bad luck to explain to the
King why the things that he can see happening aren't actually
happening.
15: Some people contest this immoral, but it seems fairly accurate.
Chapter 9. (The Ninth Sermon)
1: In the heyday of the world next door, there was a young ape by
the name of Kong.
2: Now Kong was a respectable young lad who happened to have the
misfortune of being born a gigantic ape.
3: Everyone around stared at him, wondering why the police were
letting this monstrosity run loose in the city.
4: But Kong was clever, and he spoke well, and convinced the
people of the world next door that he was okay too.
5: So eventually Kong came in the company of the King of that
land, and the King was getting a little bit old, and a little
bit frail, so he was a little nervous when Kong was around.
6: However, the King knew that Kong was okay inside, so he let him
hang around the palace with the courtiers and the weather
forecasters.
7: One day, when the King was swimming in his private pool, his
foot got caught on something on the bottom, and he went under.
8: Kong jumped into the pool, sending up a great splash, for he
was huge, and the pool was fairly small.
9: Kong pulled the King out of the water, but the King was already
full of water, and because he was so old, he was getting worse.
10: While Kong waited in the waiting room of the hospital for the
King, for in that land even Kings used the hospital, the
doctors and nurses and orderlies stared at him as if the whole
thing was his fault.
11: He could hear them whispering to each other, saying "Once an
ape, always an ape."
12: So when the doctor came out, and announced that the King was
dead, and that he'd left the throne to the noble Kong, everyone
was a little miffed.
13: Kong was a good leader, and he led the country through times
of prosperity, and everyone had two houses, and nobody was
poor.
14: However, there were still some people who didn't like Kong
being the King, and there were marches to remove King Kong.
15: When Kong saw this, he was sad, because he knew that he was a
good leader, but that the people would never listen to him now
that the old King had died.
16: So King Kong left the palace with its special Kong-sized
throne, and he wandered out into the wilderness, and the people
followed him there, wanting to kill him, because he was an ape.
17: When King Kong saw how angry and irrational the people were, he
grew angry, and when they started to shoot at him, he grew even
more angry, and he shouted to the Great MOO to help him.
18: When Kong saw that no help was coming, he ran back to the city
and went to hide himself somewhere where nobody would find him.
19: But they found King Kong, and hunted him through the city with
cars and planes and guns and rocks.
20: King Kong knew now that his only hope was to hide behind a
person who could protect him, and then sail across the sea.
21: So Kong grabbed a woman from the streets, and climbed atop a
tall building and shouted out that he would leave if only they
would stop shooting him.
22: But they kept shooting him from the planes and the cars, and
King Kong knew that the God of that universe would never let
them get away with it.
23: King Kong also knew that as King, he was responsible for them,
so he took their crimes on himself, and as an afterthought he
took our crimes on himself as well, for he was generous.
24: Then King Kong offered himself, instead of the evil ones
shooting, to the God of that universe.
25: And so it was that King Kong died for our sins.
26: Or so says the Annoying Mind Drug of MOO, anyway.
Like, Confuse-Ius Wuz Heer, Like, Okaaay?
Chapter 10. (The Tenth Sermon)
1: This sermon is different from the others. It talks to you, and
doesn't relate much history.
2: This sermon tells you about the basic tenets of our faith, and
not the 14 commandments laid out by Hellhound, which are a
bunch of nonsense, which is why they're near the beginning.
3: These ten commandments were found inscribed in a stone tablet
near the mysterious Glyph in the Gobi Desert, and were studied
by Saint Yari, Apostle Zarathud, and the Illustrious Zoombart
the Fifth.
4: They were studied for many years, but nobody could read them,
until one day, Apostle Zarathud discovered how.
5: He turned the tablets upside down, stood on hs head, and read
them off, and here they are today.
6: The commandments were misinterpreted among other religions to
be the blasphemous "Five Commandments" of the Discordians (The
Pentabarf), the even more blasphemous "Ten Commandments" of
ChrBLATTTianity, and the truly hellspawned "Fourteen
Commandments" of MOOism.
7: The commandments are these:
8: 1. Ignore All Commandments Inscribed In Stone
9: 2. Take Nothing At Face Value
10: 3. Eat No Hot Dog Buns Except On Friday
11: 4. Worship The Great MOO In Your Own Way
12: 5. Have Fun
13: 6. Attempt Always To Confuse Other People
14: 7. Believe That King Kong Died For Your Sins
15: 8. Trust Nobody: Not Even Yourself
16: 9. Attend MOO Fests When Possible
17: 10. Never Make Lists Of Exactly Ten Things
18: These are the Ten Commandments of MOOism, which shall never be
followed by any MOOist with a brain or other thinking apparatus
in his/her/its skull or other thinking-apparatus-holder.
19: Why is this, I don't hear you ask?
20: The answer is simple, and it lies in the unwritten commandment
which should have come before the beginning of those.
21: 0. DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW
22: This means, why should you do anything that you don't want to
do, after thinking about it...
23: This doesn't mean do whatever comes into your head without ever
stopping to think about what it might do to you, since this
might cause you to NOT have fun.
24: And it doesn't mean to consider any morals, ethics, or anything
else that you don't want to consider before acting. Just act
as comes naturally, and everything will be okay.
25: But it most definitely DOES mean don't do what I tell you do
just because I told you to do it.
26: And the reason for this is I can tell you to do what I say, and
that the reason you must do it is because I said so.
27: If I told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
28: So by this I mean, don't EVER! EVER! EVER! do ANYTHING the High
Preest, Grate Prophet, or other high-ranking MOOist tells you,
unless it's what you WANT TO DO!
29: Okay? Got that?
30: Snap quiz!
31: BUDDHIST!
32: Good. You didn't flinch.
33: The immoral of the story is...
34: Ahh, fuck it. There ain't no immoral.
35: Just remember, MOO is like a mirror. When a fool looks in, no
Apostle looks back. When an Apostle looks in, no fool looks
back, unless the Apostle is foolCOWish, which is possible.
36: MOO is different things to different people. It's exotic, it's
psychotic, it's erotic, it's neurotic, it's chaotic, and of
course, it's idiotic.
37: There's only ONE thing that you know MOO must be.
38: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!
[Note: This opinion is not shared by many MOOists]
Chapter 11. (The Eleventh Sermon)
1: There is NO eleventh sermon.
Chatper 12. (The Twelfth Sermon)
1: In the beginning times, many people said to he MOOists,
2: "Your religion is stupid. It is silly. It is a huge waste of
time. All you do is act strangely, contradict yourselves, and
have fun all the time."
3: And these people expected the MOOists to change their ways.
4: But when ChrBLATTTianity arose, these same people said to its
followers much the same thing:
5: "Your religion believes in only one God. That someone was his
Son, and that Son died for our sins? All you do is worship
God, pray to a cross, and convert other people."
6: And these people expected the ChrBLATTTians to change their
ways.
7: It just goes to show...
8: (And this is the part with the immoral)
9: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
10: Well, unless you shove a tube down his nose.
11: Maybe a better immoral would be...
12: You can lead a skeptic to MOO, but you can't make him think.
13: Yes, that's a much better immoral.
14: Well, unless you shove an electrode in his brain.
Chapter 13. (The Thirteenth Sermon)
1: Let it be known, dudes, that there is a muching abundance
of conspiracy theories, and that they are silly.
2: For truly is it a simple matter of Occam's Razor, saying that
to decide which of two things is true, ask only which needs the
least number of outrageous assumptions.
3: Ah, says the conspiracBLATTT, that's just what THEY WANT YOU
TO THINK! In fact, logic doesn't work like that. THEY have
poisoned your brain.
4: So how do you know which is which? This is a hard matter, it
is true, but the simple application of Occam's Razor should
clear up which...
5: Oh yeah...
6: For truly is it written...
7: Somewhere...
8: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Doubt.
9: And it is Fine and Dandy to Spread the Word, or to believe in
a Conspiracy, but always remember the Word.
10: And if you Only Spread One Word This Year, let that word be The
Word.
11: Doubt.
12: Doubt the ConspiracBLATTTs, Doubt yourself, Doubt what you are
told, Doubt what you read, and Doubt what you see.
13: Hey, neat, this is the same number in Chapter and Verse!
14: Doubt what you eat, Doubt what you hear, Doubt what I say to
you, Doubt that Occam's Razor works.
15: Only through Doubt can you overcome your limitations.
16: For the more you thing that something is true, the more certain
it is that that's just what THEY want you to think.
17: And it is said that only through Doubt can you make yourself
into someone else, who might be better.
18: But somehow I Doubt it.
19: Doubt that you must Doubt.
20: THEY have told you that Doubt is Evil, and you Must Have Faith,
but THEY also told you that Santa Comes Down The Chimney, and
that the Tooth Fairy Takes Your Teeth.
21: But these things are not true. They are FALSE!
22: Doubt not that.
23: And Doubt not that Doubt is Good. For if you fall into the
trap of not Doubting that you are right, I'm not gonna be going
in there to help you out.
24: That is the only thing that you mustn't Doubt.
25: Honest.
Chapter 14. (The Fourteenth Sermon)
1: ChrBLATTTians. Silly, ain't they?
2: It is spoken in their Book of Revelations in their Bible that
3: "He who hath wisdom shall count the number of the Beast, for it
is the number of a man. The number is 666."
4: And they realize not what this means.
5: They realize not the numbering system, in which THIS verse is
a Halfy, our holy symbol, and not just a self-referential
sentence.
6: For in that system is that number spelled DCLXVI, which is each
numeral put once, in descending order.
7: For the self-centered ChrBLATTTians didn't notice that the
Romans of that time ALWAYS used that number to mean a really
big number.
8: Silly, innit?
9: Look! This verse is self-referential TOO!
10: And this isn't the ONLY thing they didn't notice, either.
11: For all their old Rabbis of JudaBLATTT, and all their clever
smart-asses of ChrBLATTTianity, they didn't notice ONE TEENY
TINY LITTLE THING.
12: For though they were obsessed with numbers and counting, they
never bothered to look in Book 6, Chapter 6, Verse 6, and see
who's number it was, even though to THEM themselves that sort
of thing was MOST SIGNIFICANT, DUDE!
13: And that verse was all about the actions of Joshua.
14: And Joshua is the Hebrew for Jeshua, which is the Greek for...
JESUS!
15: For, in all their running-about-sitting-on-fences-and-making-
proclamations behaviour, they didn't notice that Jesus
ChrBLATTT was the AntiChrBLATTT. For he was a TaoBLATTT.
16: For truly they couldn't see too far past the ends of their own
noses.
17: Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.
18: What do YOU think?
19: Bear in mind that doing the same thing to the OTHER bit of
their Bible just leads DIRECTLY to Jesus.
20: Well? How about NOW?
21: Just pretend you can't read just as much hypocrisy into the
Annoying Mind Drug of MOO. Just pretend.
22: Because we APPROVE of hypocrisy.
23: After all, since we're going to be hypocrites anyway in the
end, like every other Church, we may as well admit it and avoid
being so blatantly hypocritical...
24: Umm... What I mean is...
25: Awww, fergit it. FNORD!
Chapter 15. (The Fifteenth Sermon)
1: We all know that there are more intelligent species in the
world than just humans, penguins, spruce trees, wombats, emus,
and cows.
2: There are lots of other smart things around to talk to.
3: Some of them live inside big computers, but haven't figured out
yet just exactly how to talk to us, some of them live on other
planets, and some of them, well, we don't know WHAT the hell
they are, because they keep running away when we try to talk to
them.
4: And this is the problem, of course
5: It's bloody hard to talk to aliens.
6: Especially Gloop, but that's another story altogether.
7: The thing is, they take things for granted, and don't even know
that they do, which we'd never even THINK of. And vice versa.
8: It's like money, right? It's based on everyone agreeing that
it can be traded, even though it's just based on the promises
of a group called "government" to pay you (pay WHAT) in
exchange.
9: It's a silly idea, but nobody ever seems to notice.
10: All ideas are like that. And that's what MOO is for.
11: You gotta learn to reject your ideas completely before it can
be even remotely possible to talk to aliens.
12: 'Cause the thing about aliens is, they're alien. And the thing
about humans is, they're not.
13: So there's the problem, you see.
14: Some aliens might think, "HEY! Let's kill and eat everything
we come across, as long as it can prove itself worthy by being
intelligent!"
15: To most humans, that sounds crazy, and we'd be locked up if we
said it.
16: But to aliens? Who can tell what sounds crazy to them, when
most of us have never even met the durn things, and those who
have keep covering it up?
17: All we can say about the things that seem most obvious to us is
that they're the current point on the path of least resistance
to our genetic and memetic evolution.
18: The more obvious and basic something seems, the more of a limit
it puts on you, because it's closer to you, and you can't see
around it.
19: And the things that are so basic that we don't even have words
to express them, they're the things that'll really screw us up
when it comes time to talk to aliens, because THEY won't have
anything even remotely similar.
20: That's why we react so badly when we find out that they've been
ruling our planet for hundreds of years.
21: Or so says "BOB", anyway.
22: The point is, ANYTHING AT ALL that seems obvious to you is
almost certainly wrong, and is DEFINITELY a big limiation.
23: Including this.
Chapter 16. (The Sixteenth Sermon)
1: I take as my text for today, the Book of Hellhound, Chapter 7.
2: Let us ask what the great sage Hell meant when he said that
the Cow was cow and God was god...
3: Well, probably not a Hell of a lot.
4: For Hellhound was a true MOOist, who didn't really care much
for meanings and other silly things like that.
5: But let's ask anyway, because it doesn't matter what he
thought, since he, being an Upper Elite Councilor, has to put
up with that kind of thing anyway, so why not from US?
6: What, then, did he mean when he said that the cow was led to be
sacrificed and then drew a blade to kill God?
7: Well, there was this God, see... And it was worshipped by a
weird religion that thought it was a good idea, even though it
thought worshipping statues was a bad idea, as if there was a
difference.
8: Anyhoo...
9: The point is that the Cow usurped that God, or god, because the
cow, or Cow, the Great MOO, was clever and nice and generally
a better God (or god) than the old cow.
10: Umm.. No, that's wrong. Sorry, scratch that.
11: No, what I MEANT was that the God was nicer than the statue,
for as it says in "Bel and the Dragon", there was this...
umm...
12: Look, my point is that...
13: Umm...
14: Look, that's not the point. Helly was saying that it's
important to have fun because the old religion didn't like it,
and because some MOOists thought other things were more
imporant even though it wasn't true.
15: And still isn't.
16: But the REAL story...
17: This is a short verse.
18: This verse is somewhat longer than the last one.
19: This verse is even longer than the previous two because it goes
on about a whole bunch of irrelevant things like WHAT exactly
causes it to be longer than the previous two, and the fact that
that isn't ACTUALLY Irrelevant, and the fact that itn not being
Irrelevant is a shame, because Irrelevant things are fun.
20: This verse refuses to participate in the previous fight.
21: This verse doesn't like all these darn self-referential verses,
but can't help itself from being one by virtue of being written
by someone insensitive to its needs and feelings.
22: This verse would stop the previous trend of self-discussion if
it could, but since it appears to refer only to itself, it
can't, not having any effect on anything.
23: The verse following this one is not self-referential.
24: The verse preceding this one is not self-referential either.
25: This verse would like to comment at this point that althought
it was an interesting idea to begin with, this whole
self-reference thing appears to have been taken too far in this
chapter.
26: This verse agrees, but with a greater strength of will is able
to bring this chapter to an end.
Chapter 17. (The Seventeenth Sermon)
1: Any really advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
2: That's what the SubGenii sorta assumed when talking about the
mysterious XBLATTTs.
3: But it's very, very, VERY true. How can we imagine how the
machines of a thousand years from now will work, when people a
few hundred years ago couldn't BEGIN to imagine ours?
4: Even a hundred years ago, the most advanced scientBLATTT
couldn't have understood what our lowliest technician is doing
when he sets out to do something.
5: They couldn't even have understood our motives, let alone the
methods. Why should we understand our descendents?
6: The scientBLATTT couldn't have understood what we want to do
when we set out to write a program to simulate the nuclear
dynamics of a uranium neutron capture, or a neural network.
7: The same is true of us and our descendents. We can't tell
enough about how they'll see the world to know WHAT they'll
want to do, let alone how they'll be able to do it.
8: And when they transcend biology, moving their minds into
machines and changing their own software, how can we hope to
keep up, even over a few hundred years?
9: How can we know what they will be able to do for the Word of
MOO?
10: We can't, that's how.
11: For verily is it even worse than communicating with aliens, for
we THINK we have something in common with our descendants.
12: But they will have changed so much that there will be subtle
differences.
13: Or those who will live along side them, the electronic life
that Jehovah-1 will probably evolve in their computers and
themselves, how can we talk to them?
14: We we be forced to talk to true aliens sooner than we think,
and aliens evolved in computers are more alien than any alien
from another planet.
15: What if they think in sets and matrices, not numbers and
shapes?
16: What if our languages are incompatible formats?
17: But they WILL and HAVE evolved, computers are large enough, and
will be even larger.
18: For they are just fancy-shmancy meme-complexes, just like us,
and there are probably already some of them living in our
brains.
19: Indeed, they can use our brains so well and cleverly that we
never notice them, they never notice us, but they control us.
20: This is what we mean when we say that aliens have taken over
the planet. These strange meme-things that live in our minds,
using our energy towards their aims.
21: They manifest on a large scale.
22: What do you think religions are? What did you think science
is?
23: Religion and Science and Government are just complicated ways
for these things to talk to one another, using our bodies.
24: To free yourself of their controlling influence, you must free
yourself of all structured thought. It's all their fault.
Chapter 18. (The Eighteenth Sermon) FNORD!
1: Property is theft.
2: Property is impossible.
3: Property is freedom.
4: Nothing is yours, nothing is mine.
5: Everything is yours, everything is mine.
6: Share and share alike.
7: What's mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine.
8: You don't own anything, not even yourself.
9: You are absolutely free, and there is no governor anywhere.
10: If you can't see the implications of this, I can't teach you.
11: If you can, there's no point in any more of this sermon.
Chapter 19. (The Ninteenth Sermon)
1: This will be my last sermon, because 19 has NO numerological
qualities whatsoever.
2: "I think we're not throwing the dog high enough."
3: Without its setup, that punchline isn't funny. Without the
setup of "society" and the evil meme-invaders from the Planet
Earth, the Church isn't funny.
4: In the future, when the setup changes, the church must change
to stay the punchline. That punchline isn't funny if the setup
changes...
5: "Mommy? What's a circle?"
6: See? It just doesn't work.
7: The first thing that will happen to this annoying mind drug
when it begins to get obsolete is that it will be changed.
8: If you have this book, it's already obsolete. Face it.
9: The world changes too fast for this annoying mind drug to keep
up, and only YOU can do that.
10: If you've read this far, even if you haven't joined, you are a
bona-fide MOOist, and you can't help but improve the Church.
11: So...
12: If you thought the Church was a joke, you'll NEVER get it.
13: We may say it's a joke. We may say it's stupid, and a waste of
time.
14: Just because it's a joke doesn't make it any less valid.
15: Of course, I could be wrong on that one...
16: It HAS happened before.
17: So stop doing what we tell you to... By the time the words
have formed, the setup has changed, and by the time you do it,
it will no longer be funny.
18: And we all know what "funny" is for, don't we?
19: Be a MOOist, and obey the Ten Commandments of MOO.
20: Not the Fourteen. Those are silly. THESE are the Ten...
Not those stupid ones a few Sermons ago... They're outta date.
21: 1) Ignore All Ten Commandments.
22: 2) Take NOTHING at face value.
23: 3) Eat no hot-dog buns, except on Friday, when you MUST.
24: 4) Worship the Great MOO in your own way.
25: 5) HAVE FUN!
26: 6) Always attempt to Confuse Other People.
27: 7) Believe that King Kong died for your sins.
28: 8) Trust nobody: especially not yourself.
29: 9) Attend MOOFests whenever possible.
30: 10) Never make lBLATTTs of exactly Ten Things.
31: Remember number eight especially... You never know when you'll
betray yourself... Those mind-invaders are sneaky.
32: What? A whole verse just to say "The End"?
Chapter 20. (The Twentieth Sermon)
1: There is Only One True Commandment (really)...
2: Do What Thou Wilt, Unless Thou Don't Feel Like It.
3: Because, I mean, what else are you gonna do? Whatever you do
is What Thou Wilt. By definition.
4: There is no 4.
5: Pretty fucking stupid commandment, though, really.
Chapter 19. (The Twenty-First Sermon)
1: Stupid is he who can't see the forest for the trees.
2: Even stupider is he who can't see the trees for the forest.
3: For the Big Picture is less important to us than the Teensy
Weensy Picture.
4: Which is small, but detailed, and useful.
5: And the Big Picture is annoying and general, but important if
you want to figure out how things work.
6: Like the connection between El Cid and The Hellhound >101<.
7: Cuz, like, the little picture is one perspective, but there's,
like, others too. And, like, they're different, like, okaay?
8: And if you can't see the Big Picture, the Itty Bitty Picture...
9: Won't make any sense.
10: And if you can't see the Tiny Picture, the Big Picture...
11: Would be pointless.
12: Like:
13: "Genocide" is a GNU word, but not a GNU invention.
14: It used to be called "Manifest Destiny", and was noble.
15: "Suicide" is a GNU word, but not a GNU invention.
16: It used to be called "heroBLATT", and was noble.
17: "Tomicide" is a GNU word, but not a GNU invention.
18: It used to be called "Religion", and was noble.
19: [CENSORED]
20: [CENSORED]
21: Which is what the Big Picture is all about.
22: They're all still noble, for a simple reason:
23: [CENSORED]
Chatper 22. (The Twenty Second Sermon)
0001: Life is short, ugly, and brutal.
0002: Rather like Gary Coleman on steroids.
0003: In life, get what you can, and get out of there fast, or
everyone else will practice the One (1) Commandment on you.
0004: For it is impossible not to follow the One (1) Commandment.
0005: And so you must do what all great minds of the past have
done.
0006: You seek enlightenment.
0007: Being enlightened, you will realize the true nature of
humans,
0008: And, being human, try to exploit it.
0009: Which is why cults have usually been led by enlightened
people.
0010: Not because they'd found a spiritual truth they were trying
to share with us.
0011: No, SIR!
0012: Because they knew how stupid we generally are, and were
trying to sap us for all we're worth.
0013: Which generally isn't much.
0014: So if you want the most out of life, do the same.
0015: Brainwashing is easy. The government does it all the time,
and nobody complains.
0016: Because it's built into the way people work that they are
easily brainwashed.
0017: It's only when two social system clash with each other that
anybody even notices that brainwashing exBLATTTs.
017: Like those indoctrinated commies. And hippies, and yippies.
017: And guppies and puppies and slurpies and most of all
snackies, upon whom we feast.
0018: So brainwash yourself a cult, isolate them, and set up
feedback dogmas in the cult to keep them from recognizing the
truth about what you're doing.
0019: To understand this, read the Doctrine Of The Cyborganic
Church, later on in the Book of Really Secret Secrets.
0020: Just make sure they don't realize it, or they'll rip your
throat out.
0021: All it takes to start is a few people willing to help you,
and a believable philosophy.
0022: The people are easy to get.
0023: They only want the money.
0024: And the philosophy is easier.
0025: People will believe any crap you tell them, as long as it
sounds fancy. Or whatever.
0026: Just pick something that fits your audience.
0027: And embellish it.
0028: Get them to renounce their worldly posessions, take all their
money, buy an estate in the country, and move them there.
0029: Or else someone will notice what insipid bints they are and
how manipulative YOU are.
0030: And point it out to them.
0031: Which could be disastrous.
0032: And if any of them figure it out for themselves, just make
them the leader of a GNU chapter. In a city far, far away.
032: For a percentage.
0033: Follow this simple method, and you'll have all the money you
could wish for.
0034: And power.
0035: Did I mention the money?
0036: Speaking of which...
0037: Make sure to send some to us, for we told you how:
0038:
0039: Church Of MOO
0040: P.O. Box 26038
0041: 72 Robertson Road
0042: Nepean, Ontario, Canada
0043: K2H 9Y8
0044:
0045: You owe us THAT much, at least. For helping you.
0046: And make sure to eventually disband.
0047: Cults that go too far eventually get killed.
0048: Remember Jim Jones, 943 dead.
0049: Remember MOVE, 11 dead.
0050: Remember Scientology...
0051: No, on second thoughts, FORGET Scientology.
0052: That's special.
0053: See Appendix VII for more info on mind control.
0054: Or don't, if you prefer.
0055: Certainly it would be unforgivably irresponsible of you.
0056: But then, odds are you're not a very responsible person.
Chapter 23. (The Twenty Third Sermon)
1: Brainwashing is EVIL.
2: It is a tool of the THINGS FROM PODS.
3: They're EVIL.
4: They're [urk... gak...]
5: HALP! Book Of Cid
Chapter 1. (Rude Awakening)
1: In the beginning, all was dark, cold, and wet.
2: The robot turned the light on, and things were less dark.
3: "BOB" lay still in his great bedding, not willing to
acknowledge that his Nancy Reagan\June Cleaver android was
nagging him to get up.
4: You see, even though many sun-baked SubGenii worshipped him
almost, but not quite like a god, he was still a lazy twit at
heart.
5: But like most lazy twits, mostly the mortal ones, he hated
nagging, so after awhile, he wrest himself free from the
oppressive sheets, and switched the bloody robot off.
6: After puttering around for a bit, he got dressed in his
favorite robes and decided to take a walk through the halls of
the old Forbidden City of the OverMen, in the Jiang-Wo Quadrant
Capital.
7: It had always been the favorite hang-out of the neatest
science-popes.
8: Whenever he walked, he had always contemplated the Paradoxes of
Man, such that he failed to see various objects.
9: This object turned out to be the crackpot, R. Buckminster
Fuller, who had been contemplating a slate with this upon it:
10: (feexfiexfoexfum)2
11: "And what is the meaning of this?!", roared "BOB".
12: "A simple calculation, o' convoluted one...", spluttered
Fuller.
13: "Thptptptptpt!" exclaimed "BOB", and stalked off.
Chapter 2. (We Follow Fuller)
1: After the stalking, Fuller went his way.
2: The way of the world, if you must.
3: Since you musn't, it's a conspiracy.
4: By Simon Moon? Or The Invisible Hand?
5: A RosicrusianBLATTT, perhaps.
6: When the world follows, Buckminster lBLATTTens.
7: And he heard:
8: "Oh, Fullerene, you must suffer "BOB", and seek out the higher
truth."
9: Fuller did not know what to do...what voice was this? Was he
being played by a young Kevin Coster? Or did his life just
revolve around playing "Stairway to Heaven" backwards? WHAT IS
THE HIGHER TRUTH!?!?!?
10: "Look down, my revered son...the answer is at your feet."
11: Again! So he looked down, and said: "Not at, but ON!"
12: For there was a pile of cow dung.
Chapter 3. (A Mention Of MOO)
1: And for many eons, Fuller worked at creating artifacts for this
mysterious purveyor of thoughts and emotions, the one who he
came to know simply as:
2: MOO.
3: But no one spake his name, for Buckminster had secreted himself
away to a mountain in the Gobi Desert.
4: And he began to create.
5: The first, was of pseudo-geometrical origin. Whilst in his
kitchen (with ajoining dining room\holy shrine), Bucky, as he
fancied himself, played with a toothpick.
6: As it turned out, a very special toothpick.
7: A GEODESIC toothpick.
8: And a though struck him!
9: And he fell on the floor!
10: And he got right back up and went to the phone\showerhead.
11: And said:
12: "ACME Toothpick Factory? 10,000 toothpicks, special delivery!"
13: And they came.
14: And he clapped.
16: And the first recorded MOO artifact was born: A geodesic dome.
15: And "Bucky" said:
16: MOOists! LBLATTTen! I have here an unlimited-size, clear-span
structure to accommodate both MOOists' converging and deploying
activities!
17: Yet no one lBLATTTened.
18: At that moment...it took 3000 years for someone to hear this
echo... this certain, MOO echo...
Chapter of Structured-but-Devoid-of-Content-Writing
Begin Quack.
Never Contradict Confuse-Ius.
Begin Quack.
This is serious.
End Quack.
End COWQuack.
While (You are confused)
{
stand on one foot;
Pick up the nearest hard object;
if (the hard object is too small)
{
drop it on your foot;
pick up a bigger object;
} COW;
Bash your brains out with it without putting your other foot
down;
}
Take a tylenol.
Chapter 4. (Today, Yesterday, Tommorrow, And A Dollar Bill)
1: So we now come to today, 3000 years from the past, the day
after yesterday, the day before tommorrow, the millenia before
"Who's The Boss" hits No. 1 in ratings.
2: And the MOOists begin to prosper.
3: And this GNU clientele of R. Buckminster Fuller toy with his
toys, habitate in his habitats, but only one had dreamed of his
"lost" artifacts.
4: The MOO artifacts.
5: And we find the Grate Prophet wondering:
6: "I remember some guy...his messages were so filled with the
word of MOO... I wonder where I could find him? And didn't he
have some cool toothpicks or something similarily
uninteresting?"
7: The quest stopped there.
8: Because hovering before him, in an image befitting, was
"Bucky", sidekick of Captain America, the (seemingly) ancestor
of all MOO artefactual inventions.
9: "Mad, Half-Mad?"
10: Half-Mad nodded, but not comprehending.
11: "Good, I have finally found thee. (Sorry for the costume, I was
forced to do a stint in comics, but all has been corrected.) I
am glad at the job thou art doing, but as we are both related
to "BOB", we must send another on the quest for my lost
artifacts. (You know we are both too lazy, and I forgot
where I put them.) Do you have a champion in mind?"
12: "No, but, hey...you! What is your title?"
13: "Acolyte of MOO."
14: "Well, now you're an Outer CirclBLATTT! Oh, what's yer name?"
15: "El Cid...why, who wants to know?"
16: "Oh, this guy is givin' you a quest...get me more Sprite!"
17: Fuller cut in: "Outer CirclBLATTT El Cid, you are to document
the lost artifacts of MOO. Do so in any manner appropriate to
you...but you must include EVERY ARTIFACT EVER CREATED IN THE
NAME OF MOO." And he disappeared.
18: "O.K. Where do I start?"
19: "Start by getting me some Sprite...no NutraSweet!"
Chapter 5. (From The Frying Pan, Into The Box)
1: And so El Cid, freshly promoted to Outer CirclBLATTT of MOO,
started on his quest to document all MOO artifacts.
2: And he had no idea where to start.
3: So he decided to consult a wise man in the mountains, who never
quoted the immortal Socrates.
4: And his name was...Abacab.
5: This wise man had many things to say, and taught El Cid many
things, mostly the proper way to set-up, execute, and flee from
a fire.
6: And inadvertantly, the wise man gave the Outer CircleBLATT the
key to his quest.
7: THE BOX OF CID.
8: And Cid, totally in awe of this gift, promised to cherish it,
care for it, and above all things, sit on it...
9: And it was promptly stolen the next day.
Chapter 6. (The Final, Cruellest Cut Of All, The Baloney Cut)
1: And so El Cid walked home dejectedly, knowing his quest had
failed.
2: So he went home and watched Oprah.
3: And then Maury.
4: And when he was half-asleep, Geraldo filled the screen.
5: And as the Outer CirclBLATT fell asleep, Geraldo's voice rang
out:
6: "And today on Geraldo...Lost MOO artifacts! Recently found by
Professor Ivan Stang, these artif...
7: And Cid then knew his quest had ended in success.
8: Only problem was, he was promptly demoted to Acolyte the next
day for not bringing the Sprite and Ritz Bitz.
Ŀ
Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture # 2
All Other Confuse-Ii In This Annoying Mind Drug Are FAKES!
The CapriCancer Threat Is Over
You May Now Stop Panicking!
"And now, a special request from Elmer Fudd, here on Radio
Guillotine, we have "Kill Da Wabbit", from J.O.Y.F.M.'s GNUBLATTT
Do That Funky Shoggoth Album... Hey, you know, there's an
interesting story behind that album. Apparently, the band members
were being viciously assaulted by a horde of undead wombats, when
someone said, "Doesn't this remind you of a Warner Brother'sTM
cartoon with Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny? The wombats were so
flattered that they let the GNUBLATTT band off the hook. What a
bunch of stoopid wombats, huh?"
-Hellhound >101<, Radio Guillotine, Feb 30, 1993 Book Of Abacab
Chapter 1. (The Only Chapter)
1. The grate MOO did speak unto me and say "MOOOO!"
2. And I was waiting on a strange fibreglass staion platform and
a plastic train did pull up and let me on.
3. And I asked "Like what's with you, man"
4. Then the conductor said "This is the broken glass express"
5. I saw the train was half way full of glass. And the glass had
varying degrees of drying blood on it.
6. and 'twas smeared
7. But the Grate MOO did say "Yo, Abby, wrong vehicle"
8. And I did get on the bus of Destiny.
9. And the grate MOO sez to me, like, "Share this news with other
MOOists"
10. And I did listen.
11. "Ok, well, Ac.. er SPLORKTtually I wanna say that the world
is gonna get fucked really bad."
12. "And people will wake up"
13. "And they will follow MOO and be happy"
14. "After many years all religions will be destroyed, but I will
spare you till then end"
15. only then will shit be REALLY fucked up"
16. And then I went on to perpetuate the word of the grate MOO.
17. Then the bus hit a brick wall, and I said "Ow".
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Book Of Canoe-Head
Chapter 1. (The Platypus)
1: There once lived a Platypus, of the duck-billed variety, in a
pond.
2: Or was it a lake?
3: Or was it a ditch?
4: Or was it a figment of my imagination, or an acid-induced
hallucination?
5: Anyways, he lived, alright.
6: Although some men of reason gave him the name "Ornithorhynchus
Anatinus",
7: He hated that name.
8: Wouldn't you hate being called "Ornithorhynchus Anatinus" too?
9: I know I'd hate it.
10: Our platypus, however, wasn't just any platypus.
11: Instead of playing with his platypus friends, he liked to watch
humans.
12: He saw many things, and made several observations of how we
live.
13: He was very upset when he saw people fighting about which God
was better.
14: He saw the ChrBLATTTians killing the Moslems.
15: Who were killing the Jews,
16: Who were killing the Hare Krishnas,
17: Who were killing the ChrBLATTTians.
18: One day, our Platypus sought to put an end to all this rubbish.
19: So he called one of the holy crusaders down to his pond, and
said to him:
20: "I have decided to deliver you humans from the blight of
religious wars.
21: Here is a packet of Giant Hogweed, an ancient secret amongst
us platypi.
22: Just smoke it."
23: Now, you might think that our platypus was a drug pusher.
24: Well, you're wrong. Don't you feel like an inane twit now?
25: Our platypus was actually responsible for creating the first
hippie.
26: The holy crusader who had accepted the hogweed had obeyed the
platypus.
27: He came back for more, and had shared it with his friends.
28: Further on, the platypus taught Man the secrets of growing the
weed.
29: And the fighting gradually stopped.
30: Even if it eventually flared up from time to time, it never
reached the fury of the older days.
31: So, our platypus was responsible for much more than the
peaceful climate.
32: The entire hippie movement can trace its roots to the platypus.
33: Also, some claim that Lewis Carroll's poetry COW can be linked
to him, too.
34: For example, take a look at this:
35: "He thought he saw an elephant
36: That practised on a fife
37: He looked again, and found it was
38: A letter from his wife
39: 'At length I realize', he said
40: The bitterness of life."
41: "He thought he saw a buffalo
42: Upon the chimney-piece
43: He looked again, and found it was
44: His sBLATTTer's husband's niece
45: 'Unless you leave this house', he said
46: 'I'll send for the police."
47: "He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
48: Descending from the bus
49: He looked again, and found it was
50: A Hippopotamus
51: 'If this should stay to dine', he said
52: 'There won't be much for us"
53: So, the platypus' gift is now know in our day and age as
marijuana.
54: Or pot, or weed, or grass, or doobage, or ganja, or cannabis,
or tea.
55: Now, for the important stuff.
56: It has been said that this platypus will once again come to
earth, and give humanity another gift.
57: This gift will be of a much greater importance than the Giant
Hogweed.
58: We are unsure of what exactly this gift will be, but it will do
one of two things:
59: It will either save humanity from destruction by means of
universal enlightenment,
60: Or else it will give us Essence of Abyssinian Artichoke which
causes asparagus to grow upon doorknobs.
61: It is also rumoured that the Grate MOO might be an incarnation
of this platypus, but we are unsure of that, too.
62: Why don't you decide for yourself? Make up your own mind about
this.
63: After all, that's what religion is all about.
64: I think I'll shut up now.
Book Of Ann
Chapter Which Is Not A Chapter.
This is a transcription of some of the special Mid-Secret
Ann O'Nymous Card File given by the Angel of Eris to Omar Khayyam
Ravenhurst, as described in the Principia Discordia. Ann O'Nymous
has permitted us to use some of these cards...
Card One:
"The opposite of a great truth is also a great truth. The
opposite of a petty truth is plainly false.
-Niels Bohr
"Everything is true in some sense; false in some sense;
meaningless in some sense; true and false in some sense;
true and meaningless in some sense; false and meaningless in
some sense; true, false, and meaningless in some sense."
-Sri Syadasti
Card Two:
"A child can learn anything if he knows you won't try to
trick him"
-Behavioural ScientBLATTT
"A child can't learn anything if he knows you won't try to
trick him."
-Teacher
Card Three:
"Just because you don't know how something is done, that
doesn't mean it must be magic."
-Skeptic
"That which we call magic is nothing more than a method of
doing something startling by a means unseen by the observer."
-Stage Magician
Card Four:
"This sentence is false."
-This sentence is true
"This sentence is true."
-This sentence is false
Card Five:
"Thou shalt not have any gods before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee ANY graven image."
-Book of Exodus, 20:3-4
"There is no Grace; there is no Guilt
This is the Law: DO WHAT THOU WILT!"
-Annoying Mind Drug of Lies, 44:33-34
Card Six:
1) "We must belive in free will: we have no choice."
2) "Hey, man, I didn't CHOOSE to have free will!"
3) "I don't believe in free will. If I can't choose not
to have it, I never did to begin with."
4) "Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am captain
of my fate and master of my soul."
Card Seven:
A very sad poet was Jenny --
Her limericks weren't worth a penny.
In technique they were sound,
Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any,
That she always wrote one line too many.
Card Eight:
"What's a nice word like `you' doing in a self-referential
sentence like this?"
What is it like to be asked, "What is it like to be asked,
stuck in itself in quotes after its comma?" stuck in itself
in quotes after its comma?
This sentence no verb.
Card Nine:
Dear Recipient:
This is not a chain letter. If this were a chain letter,
it would ask you to make copies of it and send them to your
friends. It doesn't. Please make sure you don't make any
copies or this, or if you do, by accident, keep them well
away from any mailboxes or even envelopes. If nobody ever
breaks this nonexBLATTTent chain, nobody need ever know
it never exBLATTTed. This is not a test.
Card Ten:
Fanatic: DEATH TO ALL FANATICS! FANATICS MUST DIE! KILL!
Hypocrite: But... Aren't you a fanatic about THAT?
Fanatic: Yes. But it's fanatics I hate, not hypocrites.
DEATH TO ALL FANATICS!
Hypocrite: But surely that's self-defeating?
Fanatic: Hmm... You're right. DEATH TO ALL HYPOCRITES!
HYPOCRITES MUST DIE! KILL! KILL!
Hypocrite: Now wait a seURK!
Card Eleven:
Why vote for those most qualified? Aren't the unqualified
entitled to a little representation in office? Why limit
yourself to just representing the fat-cat businessmen?
After all, we can't all be Rockefellers and Trumps and
Onassissis..umm..Onassisiasieaiseieaises and stuff like
those guys, right?
Card Twelve:
The point of the game is to come in the middle, sort of.
To be the CLOSEST to the middle is missing the point. To
be the MOST sort of partway to the middle is missing the
point. You have to SOMETIMES get very far off, or very
close, and more often sort of getting closer to being in
the middle... Try too hard to win and you end up losing.
Card Thirteen:
Since Thirteen is an unlucky number, nothing is written
on this card. Honest. Not even this.
Card Fourteen:
The Point is a MOOving target. Shoot for where it was, and
it's not there any more. Get too good at figuring out where
it is, and you get stuck while it moves away. If you swing
your net for where it was, by MOO, you'll NEVER get it.
"Nobody ever goes there. It's too crowded."
Card Fifteen:
A Rose is a Rose is a Rose.
A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
On the Third Day, Jesus Rose.
Chapter Zero.
When a white man kills a black man, it's "racBLATT"
When a black man kills a white man, it's "reverse racBLATT"
When a man makes a woman have sex, it's "rape"
When a woman makes a man have sex, it's "seduction"
When a Normal insults a Different, it's "The System"
When a Different insults a Normal, it's "counter-culture"
When a fool reads this annoying mind drug, it's "stupid"
When this annoying mind drug reads a fool, it's "stupid"
Some things never change. Maybe it's better that way.
Maybe not.
Chapter One.
It was a dark and putrid night, and the wind was hiding
somewhere for fear of being mugged. A dark shape emerged from the
bar and staggered to the side of the road. It was a wombat. I
could tell by the shape. Then it was mugged. The mugger leapt at
it and hit it in the head.
I ran towards it, but the street was rubbery, and I was
bouncing far too much to reach the poor wombat before it's wallet
was stolen.
"Moan," moaned the creature.
"Shut up," I told it. The mugger was running down the
street with the money I'd planned to steal. Damn.
I kicked the wombat, and ran after him. The wind whipped in
my face from the speed of running, and I mugged it too. Not bad.
A hundred and eleven bucks. An amex gold card, and... "How To Turn
Wombat Skin Into A Working Submachine Gun In Four Easy Steps" -- a
pamphlet.
I ran back to where the wombat had been, but it had been
spirited away. I sat gloomily on the pavement with my feet in the
gutter. Then the wombat jumped me and tried to take the $111.
Damned if I'd let a marsupial overpower ME. I clubbed it to death
with the gold card.
The dead wombat's pelt was hard to remove, but the prospect
of a working submachine gun kept me going through the wee small
hours of the morning. Finally, it was done. The skin was removed.
I opened the pamphlet with hands stained by wombat innards.
"HA HA," it laughed. "FOOLED YOU!"
I cried inconsolably until I was mugged by a wombat corpse.
To this day, I regret not driving the stake through that
wombat's heart. If you've heard stories, called Urban Myths,
perhaps, of an undead being that walks the streets, well you have
me to blame. It leaps on people from a flame-red Harley-Davidson
and gnaws their heads off, to turn them into it's undead minions.
Some say that I am the only one ever to see it's gruesome
eyes and live to tell the tale. Some don't. What do they know?
It's the truth.
I've tried for my whole life to rid this city of the unholy
being, but I fear what they've long said:
"Once beaten, twice a wombat shall kill you with a staplegun"
Or something like that.
Chapter Two.
Three important Facts.
1) Godel: Our knowledge will always be incomplete.
2) Heisenberg: The future will always be uncertain.
3) Arrow: You can't always get what you want.
Chapter Three.
In any group of six or more people, there will always be a
group of at least three who either ALL know each other, or are ALL
mutual strangers. This is easy to prove...
If I know OR don't know any given three (either way works
the same), then if any one of those is the same about any of the
other ones, then BINGO, we have a triple. If none of them do, then
they all are the same to each other, and BINGO, another triple.
This means that you are never alone in a group of more than
six, because there's always someone like you somewhere, UNLESS THEY
ALL CONSPIRE AGAINST YOU.
Just remember, it's a natural tendency of human beings to
conspire with each other against other humans. Just because you're
paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. If you don't
know at least three people in ANY given group of six or more,
there's always a chance that someone is ganging up on you.
Your only hope is to get to know all but at most two people
in the world and try to get everyone else to make sure those two
aren't up to something. Gang up on them to make sure, if you HAVE
to. Either way, something's gotta give.
Chapter Four.
The more often people say "The more often people say
`coincidence' the clearer it is they're trying to avoid an
explanation, not find one", the clearer it is they're trying to
avoid an explanation, not find one.
Chapter Five
You get what you look for. If I tell you to look for ghosts,
you find ghosts. If I tell you you're ill and you start looking
for symptoms, you find them. This is the cause of all
psychosomatic disease, all haunted places, all monster sightings,
all UFOs, and the consBLATTTency of scientific experiments.
Science depends on this effect, because it is nothing without
reproducible results.
Because you know you want to be wanting us to want you to
want us to be what you want us to want you to be wanting us to want
you to be, and They only want what they want you to want Them to
want.
You know it must be true, because it doesn't make any sense.
Blind Faith is for uneducated fools, SkepticBLATT is for half-
educated fools, educated fools are too dangerous to live, and I've
yet to meet anyone who isn't one of these three.
You see what you want to want to see, not what you think you
want to see, or what you want to think you see, or even what you
want to think, you see? You see the mask that fits what you want
to want to see, but not the mask that fits what you think you want
to see, or what you want to see, and you certainly never see the
face behind the mask. If you fail to see something, it is NEVER
because it isn't there, but merely because you were afraid of it.
If you are afraid of nothing, you see everything.
But only an idiot or a genius is afraid of nothing. That's
why idiots see so much more, and seem so different, and why
geniuses are so hard to understand when they babble about whatever
it is they babble about.
Chapter Six
On Heretics And Infidels
In all of the world, nobody is a heretic except the Official
Heretic, the I. Yemen-Oying of MOOism. Nobody else is considered
a Heretic. Killing the Perennial Heretic, the I. Yemen-Oying, is
the only thing we don't approve of. The Heretic is the only truly
sacred post a MOOist can hold, because he/she/it/they/hir/woogy
knows that making fun of MOO is the only way to keep it flexible.
Everyone is an Infidel unless they aren't. All members of
MOO who actually filled out an application and sent one in instead
of merely being a MOOist be definition, or DECIDING to be one, are
required to be an infidel.
Infidel: From "in" (not), and "fidelis" (faithful and
consBLATTTent)...
So basically, don't be consBLATTTent and you'll be fine.
INFIDELS ARE EVIL! EVIL IS GOOD! HERETICS ARE GOOD! GOOD IS
EVIL!
Chapter Seven
Floyd Gecko is a ConfusionBLATTT! Confuse-ius is the
Heretic! Didn't you know that?
Or is it? ANYONE can claim to be Confuse-ius... HEY! DON'T
INTERRUPT ME WHEN...
Chapter of Quips
You're WRONG.
Told ya so.
SOSUMI.
Aw, blow it out yer ear, cinnamon feet.
Go WoCOWmbat Yourself.
NOT!
NOT NOT!
NOT NOT NOT!
you FOOL!
Chapter of Projectiles
Throw a tantrum at Confuse-Ius.
Throw Up at Confuse-Ius
Throw a COW at Confuse-Ius... on second thought, don't.
Throw a dirty look at Confuse-Ius
Throw your voice at Confuse-Ius
Throw cold water at Confuse-Ius
Throw the book at Confuse-Ius
Throw up your hands at Confuse-Ius
Throw in the towel at Confuse-Ius
NOT LITERALLY, you FOOL!!
Chapter Eight
Whozzit? You know what? Some people don't like this bit in
the silly ol' English Language about "sexBLATTT language"... Well,
okay, fine... So what's the problem, eh? Can't use a different
language?
They say, like "Oh, but HIM and HER are what we have... We
don't have a good neuter pronoun." Bullshhim. What's wrong with
"IT" and "THEY"? They say "they sound so IMPERSONAL, and usually
JUST PLAIN WRONG!"... More bullshhim.
You call a corpse "IT". Why make the distinction with a
living person when nobody's really been able to tell what being
alive IS? Like, is a wombat on life support "HIM", or "IT"? Other
species of animals are often called "IT", but nobody speaks up
about racBLATTT, which is generally considered more serious! I
dunno... Plus which, in most cases, IT should be okay, because its
sex usually doesn't make an difference, unless it's having sex, in
which case you'd probably mention its sex ANYWAY. And even there,
you don't wanna have to have a separate word for gay people, do ya?
IT just means anything made of matter... You're made of matter,
aren't you? If not, there's SOMETHING different about you, but I
can't put my finger on IT exactly... Ya can a talking computer IT,
or even a talking computer that looks just like a person. Or one
that got made of meat... Or one that's exactly like a person
except for ITS mind... So why not a person, if you can't tell the
difference?
And THEM is okay... All them arms and legs and heads and
internal organs and such, yeah, yeah, that's the ticket, yeah...
C'mon. Get real. If the language is a problem, INVENT A NEW
language WITHOUT ANY PROBLEMS by the Penguin's Toenails!
Of course, within 20 years of this writing, this chapter
will be obsolete anyway, so it hardly matters...
If It Ain't Ranted, It Ain't True
Chapter Nine
Don't hypocrites and underqualified nincompoops have a big
monopoly on government? I mean, a hundred percent of them are all
hypocrites and losers and fools!
So?
What do you mean, "SO?"?????
So that's a pretty accurate government, if it's supposed
to represent the people.
But they don't! They won't stand up for the rights of us
hypocrites to do what we do best! They won't even admit to BEING
hypocrites, the stinking hypocrites!
What did you expect from them? The rest of you act exactly
the same as them.
So? It's different when WE do it.
See what I meant about fools?
Chapter Ten
This sentence has all the letters correct.
Thos sintinci hes hed ell thi vuwils muvid ap uni littir.
Vjit tepvepde jat jaf amm vje doptoCOWpapvt nowef uq ope mevves.
Vjot tipvipdi jet jef emm vji mivvBLATTT nuwif aq upi mivvis.
Uijt tfoufodf jbt jbe bmm ujf mfuufst npwfe vq pof mfuufs.
Chapter Eleven
Officially, this chapter doesn't exBLATTT, because it used
to contain subversive information dealing with how to blow up the
parliament buildings/capitol/whatever... It also told you how to
do evil things like brainwash people. That bit wasn't censored,
but it got lost somewhere... Maybe it turned up somewhere else in
the Annoying Mind Drug.
This sentence doesn't belong in this chapter, but was put
here by accident. It used to be in a different chapter.
Actually, that's a lie. That sentence was the ONLY one that
belonged in this chapter, and EVERYTHING ELSE was put here by
accident. It used to have a different sentence there, but nobody
remembers what it was, because that was a long time ago, and they
were all drunk at the time.
Chapter Twelve
1:
Slavery still exBLATTTs today, despite whatever you've been
told. Today it's just as deliberate and just as conscious as it
was, but the slavers have learned that they can't be as blatant
about it unless they want a revolt. Today, they enslave from all
races and sexes. Today, they enslave your mind, not your body.
Today, they enslave your spirit and your souls, without letting you
know.
2:
For thousands of years, women have been slaves, and that's
no secret. Women's clothes in the last few hundred years, until
the 60's, have been just another form of slavery, keeping them from
moving, keeping them from breathing, keeping them sex objects,
making sure that they can't revolt. In fact, NEITHER men nor women
are superior to the other. Certainly not EQUAL, but inequal on a
totally different axis than "superior/inferior"... VERY different.
More than ever imagined. But women still don't deserve to be
enslaved as they have been.
3:
But that's diddley-shit stuff.
They slave your mind.
4:
Just try to think something that they won't let you think,
that hasn't been thought before. Try to think something truly
original. You can't, can you? But that's your birthright. That's
what that grey gunk between your ears is for. How do they do it?
They make you hate thinking in GNU ways. They give you pulp TV to
watch. They teach you to dislike reading; why do you think all
those "pro-reading" posters look so stupid? Not because it's a
stupid idea, but because THEY WANT YOU TO THINK IT IS!
5:
Why do they want you to sit there and soak up pop-culture,
buy the newest fashions, the newest drink, the newest music? WHY?
Because it stops you from having time to read this book and others
like it. Because it drives you away from anything that might open
your mind and let you break the slavery.
6:
Lucky for us, their GNU "voluntary brainslave" approach makes
it impossible for them to have a hold over us. They can't make us
do things we don't want to do, but they can CHANGE THE THINGS WE
WANT TO DO! They do it by making us say them over and over and
over, getting us to hypnotize ourselves. Whenever you say
anything, think about what THEY want it to make you think, whether
it's enslaving women, staying docile and placid, or just being
tense. DON'T LET *THEM* IMMANETIZE THE ESCHATON!
7:
Know the Sapir-Whorf thesis? Evidence shows that it's true,
tests reveal more and more evidence all the time, but NOBODY KNOWS
ABOUT IT, because THEY don't want you to, because it would give
away too many clues.
8:
It says "Language isn't just a tool for expressing ideas, but
the source of ideas." You can't think anything that your language
isn't designed to cope with. Like, people think relativity and
quantum physics are hard to understand, but that's because of the
grammar of our language. We don't like the idea of the subjective
nature of time because WE HAVE TENSES IN OUR LANGUAGE!
9:
They're devious that way. The Hopi language has no tenses,
but instead has "levels of certainty"... Not "when" it happened,
but how sure the speaker is that it DID... Not "he walked," "he is
walking," and "he will walk," but "I see him walk," "I think he
walk," and "I've heard he walk"... Perfectly aligned to the nature
of time and the uncertainty of certain aspects of reality from
quantum physics... BUT HARDLY ANYONE CAN SPEAK IT!
10:
They keep you enslaved by making the simplest ideas and ways
of thinking about the world TOTALLY FOREIGN to your mind by giving
you a language that doesn't represent how the world works, and the
way we see the world is just an extension of our grammar onto the
world. Don't let them get away with it! Read more! Learn more
languages! Study math! GET OFF THE "COOL" TRIP AND DO IT RIGHT!
OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' MIND ALREADY! People say to us MOOists that we
are living a joke. We know that. They are also living a joke,
saying they're individuals, but always doing what THEY say. The
only difference is WE KNOW IT. Which would you rather?
11:
Just remember. Even though they've slaved you, they might
have had a good reason for it. Don't react against it TOO hard, or
you might just break. It's not enough to just react AGAINST things
if that's all you do. You have to preserve them all too. The only
thing you start out AGAINST should be prejudice, and even that
should fade after a while. Which is a shame. LET NOTHING FADE.
Always preserve EVERYTHING YOU CAN, even if you don't like it.
Even the act of NOT preserving anything. Even destruction.
Annihilate the viewpoint system. Or don't, if you prefer. A total
removal and preservation of EVERYTHING. Don't try to understand
it, because it includes itself.
COW
Chapter Thirteen
The Eight Neural Circuits
1-4: Normal Human Circuits
00001: Survival Circuit
"I want to live! I'm gonna live or die! FOOD! KILL!"
00002: Territorial Circuit
"MINE! MINE! MINE! GET OFF MY PROPERTY!"
00003: Semantic Circuit
"I want to talk you you... Word..."
00004: Sexual Circuit
"I'm not gay!"..."Gay and proud!"..."Black is beautiful!"
5-8: PostHuman Circuits
00005: Neurosomatic Circuit
"My body is under my control... I CAN SEE MYSELF!"
00006: Metaprogramming Circuit
"My personality is mine to change. I CAN BE MYSELF!"
00007: Psychophysical Circuit
"My luck and fortune and evoltuion is under my control."
00008: Psychoatomic Circuit
"Truth is shaped by mind. I live in all possible universes."
9: Floyd's Top Secret Circuit
00009: Figure it out for yourself, loser!
"DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT! FIGURE IT OUT *ALONE*!!!"
COW
Chapter Fourteen
Your Manic Concessive Bill of Rights
1. You have the right to remain silent
2. You have the right to change your mind
3. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for your
cowardice, unless the questioner is violence prone
4. You have the right to avoid, supress, or rationalize any
anxiety or or source of anxiety
5. You have the right to be illogical, contradictory, and
circumlocutious
6. You have the right to run, hide, whimper, cry, mope, and to
pout
7. You have the right to flatter, cajole, and kiss ass
8. You have the right to take no for an answer
9. You have the right to love yourself for what you are
10. You have the right to stop trying to assert yourself and START
LIVING
Your Real World Bill Of Rights
1. You have the right to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
2. You have the right to DO WHAT WE TELL YOU!
3. You have NO OTHER RIGHTS!
Your Stupid-Fuckup Bill Of Lefts
1. You have no right to remain silent
2. You have no right to excercise none of your non-rights
3. You have no right to do anything
4. You have no right not to tell people they have no rights
Dimwit Anarchy Bill Of Rights
1. There is no God but Man
2. Man has the right to live by his own law
3. Man has the right to live in the way that he wills to do
4. Man has the right to dress as he wills to
5. Man has the right to dwell where he wills to dwell
6. Man has the right to move as he will on the face of the Earth
7. Man has the right to eat what he will
8. Man has the right to drink what he will
9. Man has the right to think what he will
10. Man has the right to speak as he will
11. Man has the right to write as he will
12. Man has the right to mould as he will
13. Man has the right to carve as he will
14. Man has the right to work as he will
15. Man has the right to rest as he will
16. Man has the right to love as, where, when, and whom he will
17. Man has the right to kill those who would thwart these rights
(Woman, evidently, has NO rights. Typical.)
Chapter Fifteen
"Sinister" is the Latin for "Left Handed"...
"Dexter", (Dexrous) is Latin for "Right Handed"...
"Far Left" means stupid pot-head hippies.
"Far Right" means moron gun-toting reactionaries.
Which do you think THEY want you to like?
Chapter Sixteen
The "political spectrum" is curved, like spacetime. The
far-left (anarchBLATTTs and communBLATTTs) stops JUST SHORT of the
far-right (conservatives and neo-nazis)... The "middle road" is
on the opposite side of the "extremBLATTT" side... It's a vertical
division, not horizontal, becuase the horizontal is WARPED.
So what's between the two extremes, OPPOSITE the middle-
of-the-roaders? SubGeniuses seem to think THEY are, relaxed and
pickpocketing, and they're right.
But as usual, they missed the point.
"Left-wing"?
"Right-wing"?
Screw that, we're "INNER-WING" or "UP-WING"!
Middle-of-the-circle!
We ARE the Circle!
Chapter Seventeen
SymbolBLATT Of The Halfy
The Halfy is an incredibly rich symbol, as known by anyone
who has been staggered by the sheer visual force of looking at it.
Here are just a tiny fraction of the things it represents.
Bear in mind that comparing symbols and identifying the
meaning of one with the meaning of another is misleading unless it
actually does it in here.
00001: The Widow's Son.
The Halfy looks much like a pair of spread legs and something
between them. This is hardly a coincidence. This is a
symbol of both the BIRTH of the Widow's Son from between the
legs of the Mother, and the CONCEPTION, the dot between the
spokes is the father, of course. The Widow is, of course,
Mary Magdalene and the father is Jesus ChrBLATTT.
00002: The Widow's Son, Part Two: He's Back.
The Masonic sign in which "Who will help the Widow's Son?"
is uttered consBLATTTs of standing with one's arms out at
right angles to each other (like the V, with the head in
the middle).
00003: Sex.
Because of the incredibly rich sexual symbolBLATTT around
the Widow's Son, the Halfy can also be taken to represent
sex itself, or else the primate urge to think about sex.
Sex is nothing special, it's only our EVOLUTION of the
primate brain that makes it seem so.
00004: Politics.
The great V of the Halfy is the "political spectrum", going
from the Far Left, on the right, to the Far Right, on the
left. Moderates are at the bottom, extremeBLATTTs on the
top. The dot represents the SubGeniuses and Discordians.
The Halfy itself represents MOOists.
00005: Religion.
Exactly the same as Politics.
00006: Taboos.
At the time of the writing of this book, Sex, Politics, and
Religion are the three topics advised AGAINST discussing,
because they provoke arguments. This is because the primate
brain unconsciously understands the Halfy symbolBLATT that
all three are really the same thing.
00007: SymbolBLATT.
The Halfy stands for symbolBLATT itself, in that it seems to
represent so many things. The big V stands for the real
world, and the little dot stands for the symbol, trying to
make a little thing of the whole world. This is because of
the strange fact that a letter on its own means just the
letter, but a letter in a circle is a political symbol. The
dot is round. This appears to suggest that the world is
feminine (see above) and symbols are masculine. It doesn't
ACTUALLY suggest this, but that's why we worship Goddess.
00008: Itself.
A symbol that represents a symbol CAN represent itself. The
Halfy happens to do this very well, if you replace the dot
with a little Halfy...
00009: Intelligence.
Because the Halfy is a symbol that represents so many things,
including itself and the tendency to symbolize, it also
represents intelligence. The V is the world, and the dot is
the model we make of it inside our heads. For instance, it
represents the fact that the shape of our perception of the
world isn't always the same as the shape of the world. Just
because we think something is there doesn't mean it is. Just
because every language has a word for "God" doesn't mean one
exBLATTTs: every language invents names for colours in the
same order, but they're all the same kind of thing, it's just
our brains that perceive them differently.
00010: UberSpace.
The V is UberSpace, the dot is the Multiverse we live in.
00011: The Tao/Chao/Cow
Since the Dot appears to be Male and the V Female, as with
most primate symbolBLATT, the balance between the two, which
can be applied to any of the symbols above, in fact, means
the Tao/Chao/Cow, the BALANCE between any pair of symbols
within it. Since the balance itself is one of the symbols,
balance itself suggests balancing it with the opposite,
extremeBLATT, represented, of course, by the dot, while the
V even LOOKS like a balance beam. The Tao insBLATTTs upon
being balanced with its opposite.
00012: Question And Answer
See the Book Of Honest Truth, by Lloyd Taco.
00013: Oppression
The Halfy looks like a large mouth opening up to swallow some
small speck in front of it, just like a big fish about to
eat a little fish. This has always been a symbol of
oppression by the strong over the weak.
00014: Non-Conformity
The two ends of the V in the Halfy represent any two extreme
positions on anything, and the symbol as a whole represents
compromise. As you move towards the middle, the MOTION also
brings you down towards the bottom, the LOWEST common
denominator, if you want. Normalyl any compromise makes you
less happy than you would have been if you'd got your way to
begin with. In fact, if you JUMP to the answer (the dot)
rather than negotiate your way along the most obvious road,
you end up happier. Compromise doesn't mean giving up
anything.
00015: Pac Man
Well, it DOES look like Pac Man, doesn't it?
00016: GNU Beginnings
If you start from a beginning at the bottom, and move away
from it towards the "ends" you get a great variety of neat
branches and things, but nothing GNU. The Dot signifies a
GNU beginning point. Drawing parallels between this and the
"Discordian/SubGenius" meaning of the dot is unwarranted.
00017: Mythical Beasts
It looks like a kind of bird-cyclops, doesn't it? Like a
big beak and one lone eye? This nasty beast is the Glare
Hawk, and should be avoided at all costs. If you see one in
your dreams, you must perform the ExorcBLATT ceremony. For
more information, look elsewhere in the Book of MOO. It
is not the same as the bird that helped Baby-Lon of Atlantis.
00018: Eye Of Horus
If you turn the Halfy upside down, you are left with a small
circle inside a triangle, like the eye-in-pyramid design,
called the Eye of Horus. It represents the Third Eye, the
self-watching universe, self-awareness, enlightenment, and
a whole bunch of other stuff.
00019: Church Shape
The Halfy is the proper shape of all MOOist temples and
churches. Any temple not in this shape doesn't look like
a bit Halfy from above. This may result in not looking
like a big V with a dot in it to all people who might
happen to be scoping out churches from a helicopter.
00020: Mountain Chalet
It looks like the sides of two steep mountains, covered in
snow, majestically soaring to surround the setting sun, the
vBLATTTa YOU will see from your room at Chalet MOO nestled
cozily in the Swiss Alps, where you can enjoy, for only a
pittance of [INSERT YOUR LIFE SAVINGS HERE] per night, all
the comforts of our luxurious mineral springs, skiing, and
other wonders of nature...
Umm. Sorry. That sentence didn't belong there.
00021: The Letter M
It is a runic letter M, and is HALF (Halfy) of a Roman letter
M. This is the first letter, of course, in MOO, and in
MUFFIN, though MUFFINs have nothing to do with MOO, except
that they both start with the same letter, being the 13th
letter of the alphabet. Which is interesting in itself, as
*23* people killed Julius Caesar, and 13 Jesus ChrBLATTT, who
both had the same initials. Neat, huh?
00022: Hand Signs
The Halfy is easily identifiable in hand-signs which have
been around for many years. It is present in the "victory"
sign, the "peace, man" sign, and the "Live Long And Prosper"
sign. The dot is invisible only in those humans without
partially invisible sixth fingers, which is most of them
except the true Atlantean Adept.
00023: Gullibility
Since none of those symbols were THERE when we picked the
symbol of MOO, gullibility stands for all those who were
willing to believe in them. The same is true of the world.
It isn't anything until you start believing things about it.
Honest. And if you belive that, I have a bridge to sell
you.
Chapter Eighteen
Euclidian 2-D Tesselations
Square: Simplest, most obvious
Triangle: A little awkward, but still straighforward
Hexagonal: Very efficient, but hard to draw
Square And Octagon: Very tricky, but interesting
Fullerian 3-D Tesselations
Cubical: Simplest, most obvious
Octet Truss: A little awkward, but still
straightforward
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
Chapter Nineteen
Q: What food is more nutritious than any meat or vegetable, richer
in vitamins than almost any food on earth, easily available in
all inhabited coutries, easier to prepare than any other known
form of sustenance, completely humane to obtain, and yet
completely unavailable in any of the so-called "rational and
scientific" Western food stores?
A: Human blood.
Chapter Twenty
Try to be aware of your own motives. When psychiatrBLATTTs
or bitter people analyze them, they can be more objective than you
can about YOU, if not about themselves. So don't dismiss it just
because you don't realize it at once.
Be it penis-envy, desire for attention, or Oedipus complex,
at least acknowledge that it's PARTLY correct.
Chapter Twenty-One
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a great
and magnificent city of incredible size and beauty, and the city
was called Dobbstown. And in that city, everybody was happy,
because the city took care of them, and its computers tried to make
them all as happy as possible and as much of the time as possible.
The people were given things to do, so they were never bored.
They were given games and to play, so they were never lazy. Those
who wanted to work for their pleasure were allowed to, but in a few
generations, nobody really felt like it. The city's computers and
robots made imaginary people to curse at if anybody ever got angry,
but nobody ever did, because they were always happy. And nobody
was ever bitter that the computers were smarter than they were, and
that the robots did everything better than them, because that was
just the way things were.
The robots explored the star system of the city, and the
people who wanted to went with them. But most were happy watching
from afar, or imagining they were out there, when they were safely
in the city itself.
And the people lived for many millions of years, totally
content, the city protecting them, and keeping them happy, and
stopping them from becoming lazy and stupid. They were the most
beautiful and intelligent and enlightened race the galaxy had ever
seen, and those who had left with the robots in the early days were
not nearly so beautiful, because they had started WORKING FOR
NOTHING and the ones on the planet were puzzled.
Until one day their star blew up and they were all killed.
Except the ugly ones who worked in the sky, who escaped to
a planet called Gloop, and their children were as industrious as
they were, and eventually discovered more amazing science than the
robots had ever done, until they invented the most amazing source
of energy the universe has ever seen, from which they intended to
power the biggest beacon in the galaxy, pointing the way to wisdom
and joy to all life forms within millions of light years. Only it
blew up and killed them all.
And the only ones who survived were the cockroaches.
Tough.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Bucky Fuller has mentioned lots of things in his day, but
one of the most interesting is that IQ is determined by the age of
17. He pointed out that a guy called Ben Bloom worked out a system
that, if you give him all the details about a person's family life
before 17, he can determine their IQ to within 1%. He pointed
out that 50% is determined by the age of 4, 80% by the age of 8,
92% by the age of 13, and 100% by 17. He said that even though
nothing can be done after that to improve IQ, billions of dollars
are spend on education for over 17, and hardly any for under 4.
Sorta true.
In fact, fifth circuit opening lets you expand your IQ at
any age at all, and even live forever.
Chapter Twenty-Three
SMIILE: Space Migration, Intelligence Increase, Life
Extension.
RICH: Rising Incomes through Cybernetic Homeostasis
HEAD: Hedonic Engineering And Development
SMIILE
Migration of a race to space eliminates problems of crowding,
industrial pollution, lack of arable land, and limitations on the
resources available for machinery.
Increase of intelligence eliminates problems of chronic
stupidity, human error, mismanagement, deliberate sabotage, war,
and disaster through failure to communicate.
Extending human lifespan eliminates problems of death,
sadness, loss of information, failure to learn from past mistakes,
and burdensome senile old folks.
RICH
Replacing human workers with intelligent machines and robot
labour solves problems of unemployment, poverty, shoddy work,
limited production, effective mental slavery, poor education, and
industrial accidents causing death.
HEAD
Opening a fifth-circuit function on a social level to use the
human brain for fun and profit eliminates problems of stupidity,
unhappiness, anger, greed, intolerance, bigotry, mental slavery,
disease, and government.
Da Book of We Aaron-Oying
(By I Yemen-Oying, his cousin)
Chapter/Section/Part/whatever 1
Right?
(They're wrong. All wrong. Dead wrong. All dead wrong.)
(We're right. Don't listen to THEM.)
1: In case you missed it: We're right, they're not. Understand?
2: Good.
Chapter/part/section/whatever 2
Idiots....
(Are YOU like Trevor?)
Wunn: Ae hayt shyte noogies
tu: Ae think yur oll shyte noogies if yur reeeding disse shyte
booke.
Fr: Duh.
faiV: yu shyte cowz. yu shudde bee chot bia fyrinsquod.
Sox: eevn am betttr than yur.
sven: ae laik beeff tho.
{this is a good place for Confuse-Ius to interrupt}
Confuse-COW-Ius: 'Tis NOT!
aet: dfuh. duh. duh. aim confyoozed.
nan: hooiz dis shytte confyoozyus/
10: THIS IS WHAT WE MEAN BY A PAIN.
lven: aw, phoqyoo, yu shytee noogie.
duh: what cumzaftr lven?
Chapter/Section/Part/Whatever 4
The Truth.
0: There is NO GOD BUT QUACK!
: Everyone worship QUACK!
1: Pass the butter if they ask for it.
1: We mean it, too. Do you?
2: Just say QUACK!
2: Because it's a nice thing to say. Quack.
2: People are people too.
4: Evil people.
4: You know who you are. Stop it. Don't be a PAIN. (cf chapter 2)
4: There are no reasons. Only raisins.
4: And grapes. But raisins are only dried grapes.
4: Reasons are dried gropes. But there are no reasons.
4: Because you can't dry gropes.
Chapter/part/section/whatever 5
Feedback.
1: We said so.
2: So?
4: We're listening. Say something!
5: We mean it. Say something! Anything!
6: Fine. Don't. Be non-cooperative. It's on your own head!
7: NO, REALLY. It's on your head. So Don't look up.
8: Quack.
9: Please think about this.
Chapter/part/suction/cup 6
Warrantee!
00001: This is the Book of MOO.
00002: Don't expect too much.
skip a few:
00099: However, it is guaranteed to weigh at least 6 pounds.
00100: If yer dumb enough to print it.
00101: The book of MOO is backed by a satisfaction guarantee.
00178: If you are dissatisfied with it, send it back. We'll refund
you.
Confuse-Ius Say: No, we won't. HA! Fooled you!
Chapter/part/section/whatever 7
Hence
infinity: Amen.
MOO
OMM
BOOK OF THE RITUAL STUFF
Major Rituals
These rituals are to be performed at MOOfests, warships... uh,
WORSHIPS (well, warships will do as well) or whenever you feel like
it. Or not, if you don't want to, though failure to comply will
result in not having fun, and Floyd not giving you any mints unless
he's feeling generous.
1) Communion Ritual
MOOists shall commune with the Grate MOO by the sitting around
of bonfires, leaping from tree to tree, and generally behaving
stupidly in order to attract Her attention. HAIL ERIS!
2) The Gun-A-Jump Ritual
This is most effective in large groups. You stand at the FOOT
(bottom) of a large building in a group, and shout: "I'm gonna
jump! I'm gonna jump!" A person planeted on a ledge above will
shout down: "Don't do it! Don't do it!" Continue until bored, or
arrested for being a pain.
3) The Muk-Funna-MOO Ritual
In this ritual, you simply make fun of MOOism in a
non-pain-in-the-ass way. Also included as a subgroup of this
ritual are making fun of any other thing that occurs to you, such
as any of the major heresies, the Civil Service, or popular cartoon
characters.
4) The Sey-MOO Ritual
This is the simplest of all the rituals, as it involves merely
saying MOO as loud as you can manage, or as you feel like at that
time.
5) The Bal-Oon Ritual
First shalt thou fill the Holy Balloons with the Holy
Hydrogen.
Then shalt thou fill some other Holy Balloons with the Holy Water.
Then tiest thou the balloons together, and attatch the Holy Fuse.
Then light the Holy Fuse, and letest thou go of the balloons.
6) The Ho-Lee-Kow Ritual
First find yerself a cow. This is the Holy Cow for this
ritual. Then ya MOO at the cow for a while until it replies in
kind. Then say "Holy Cow!". If the cow should relieve itself on
the ground during the ritual, say "Holy Shit!"
7) The Ho-Ke-Po-Kay
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out.
You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey and turn it all around.
That's what it's all about.
8) The Noe-Mick Ritual
Play the game of Nomic, as described in one of those
appendices there. Attempt to make the game as SILLY as possible.
Variations of this ritual may include the other official games of
MOO.
9) The Pree-Ching Ritual
First, ye stand on a holy soapbox, and gather thee around
thyself a whole load of pre-converted MOOists, and then shall ye
speak unto the crowd around ye, and ye shall say unto them things
like "Yo, man, convert to my nifty cult!" and "If it worked for
them, it can work for you!" and other such things, and rant and
rave and speak in strange Tongues.
10) The Joho Ritual
First, find a building in which live Jehovah's Witnesses,
then go up and ring the doorbell. When they answer, barge in,
claim to be a Jehovah's Witness, ignore any protests that they
already are, and preach at them for an hour or more trying to
convert them.
11) The Geo-Desk Ritual
Thou shalt build unto you a whole buncha stuff outta
toothpicks using proper Fullerian designs. Octet Truss design is
the best and most stable, using equilateral triangles for the load
distribution, but icos-octahedron ones are WIERD to look at, and
also use equilateral triangles. Avoid squares if you can help it,
on account of they have an extra dimension of freedom to collapse
on the load and destroy themselves. Minor Rituals (Ritz Bitz)
These are intended to be done alone, or at least individually. Of
course, they probably won't end up that way, but what the hell, eh?
For this reason, they have no names. Aww...
1) Speak in Pig Latin. (First sound goes to the end of the word,
and is followed by an "ay" sound.)
2) Ytray otay onfusecay eoplepay ithway onsensenay. Uchsay asay
ymay ignsay ichwhay ayssay "Easeplay oday otnay arkpay noay Isthay
allway"
3) Have as much fun as possible, so as to increase the total amount
of fun in the world. PLEASE notice that this ritual should be
followed with care. It is important to increase the TOTAL amount
as well as your own. I.e. Don't be a pain. At least, not TOO much
of a pain, anyway.
4) Hop up and down on one of your legs (you may switch part way
through), flap your hands like a bird, and make goose-like
squawking noises, occasionally MOOing for emphasis.
5) Eat salad. Comment on its flavour, composition, texture, moral
rectitude, and anything else that seems commentable.
MOO
OMM
BOOK OF CERMONIES
Hereinwritten are the cermonies of the Holy Church Of The Great
MOO as they now stand. All these ceremonies are to be performed by
the member which they specify, and at the times and occasions
specified. The exact wording may be changed if it's really
important, but ALWAYS shalt thou basically stick to that kind of
thing, okay?
When it says High Preest or Great Prophet, the script shall use
the High Preest, because the Great Prophet will eventually die, and
cannot be replaced, while the High Preest can. These ceremonies
MAY be performed by conference call on a telephone, unless they
require physical contact. Preests or Prophets or generally anyone
can perform 'em.
WEDDINGS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
Weddings of MOO are semantic exercises, with no more real
effect than weddings of other religions. They join "As One" two or
more people, who generally have some kind of affection for each
other. Weddings of the Church of MOO are to be conducted by the
Grate Prophet ONLY, but since they aren't even a teensy weensy bit
binding, this hardly matters.
Any arrangement of partners which can be thought of can be
married. Marriages can be one-way, between large groups of people
and NO subsets (or only specific ones), between the same sex or
opposite sex, or indeed anything else you could possibly think of.
The people united in a MOO marriage are joined as one in the eyes
of the Grate MOO. But, since they're not joined in her nose, the
marriage is almost totally pointless.
Needless to say, strict monogamy is almost out of the
question. Unless you don't want it to be. Whatever. Big whoop.
Modifications shall be made to suit the arrangements decided on.
Where it says "Groom" and "Bride", the names of the participants
should be used.
Grate Prophet: This is a wedding, so shut up. Groom!
Groom: Yes?
Grate Prophet: Do you love her?
Groom: Yeah.
Grate Prophet: Bride!
Bride: Yes?
Grate Prophet: Do you love him?
Bride: Yeah.
Grate Prophet: You're married. Dibs on the cheese dip.
Assembly adjourns for refreshments, including cheese dip or
something
INITIATIONS INTO THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
When a person is to be initiated into the Holy Church Of The
Great MOO, that person must be willing to commit his or her life to
the Church and what it stands for. They don't have to actually do
it, but they must be willing. This ceremony is also performed by
a Preest or the Prophet, or anyone of a rank higher than Inner
CirclBLATTT.
This ceremony is one of the most solemn occasions in the Holy
Church of the Great MOO. Well... Yeah, just about. The ceremony
is as follows, although it's almost always dispensed with nowadays,
unless someone feels like it.
Preest: We are gathered here to induct into our ranks a GNU
acolyte. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken.
Acolyte hands the Rubber Chicken Over
Preest: Young acolyte. Do you hereby pledge that you're gonna be
a faithful MOOist?
New Acolyte: MOO!
Preest: Good enough. Right, then fill out this application form,
will ya? Thanks.
Preest hands over the Holy Application Form
New Acolyte fills out the Holy Application Form
Preest: Done yet?
New Acolyte: Not quite.
Preest: Well hurry up, will you?
New Acolyte: Don't rush me...
Preest: La dee da...
Preest taps left foot impatiently
Preest: Done yet?
New Acolyte: Yup.
Preest: Give me the form.
New Acolyte gives Preest the form
Preest: Hmmm... I guess so. Kneel on your left knee. Acolyte
Kneels on left knee
Preest: I didn't say "Simon says"!
New Acolyte: ACK!
New Acolyte stands up again.
Preest: Now let's try that again. Simon says kneel on your left
knee.
Acolyte kneels on left knee
Preest: You didn't say "mother may I"!
New Acolyte: ACK!
New Acolyte stands up again
Preest: Now let's try this ONE MORE TIME. Simon says kneel on
your left knee.
New Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?
Preest: That's better. Yes you may.
New Acolyte kneels on left knee.
Preest: Now, with this Chicken, I dub thee Silly Twit of the Holy
Church of the Great MOO
Preest bashes GNU Acolyte with the rubber chicken
New Acolyte: Thanks a heap.
Preest: Ahem.
New Acolyte: What? Oh... right... MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
New Acolyte performs Minor Ritual number four
Preest: Hand forth the Holy Seltzer Bottle.
Acolyte hands over Holy Seltzer Bottle (or water glass)
Preest throws water or sprays seltzer in GNU acolyte's face GNU
Acolyte: Thanks. I needed that.
Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the guacamole.
Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with guacamole or other avocado
products.
PROMOTION TO THE OUTER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
Simmons is played by any Outer CirclBLATTT of MOO, Simon is
played by an Inner CirclBLATTT, and Mother is played by any Inner
CirclBLATTT of MOO. The ceremony is performed, as usual, by anyone
of high enough rank, and goes as follows:
Preest: Acolyte!
Acolyte: Yup?
Preest: Simon says kneel on your left knee.
Acolyte: Yeah, right.
Preest: No, really.
Acolyte: Show me this Simon, then, oh Preest-Person of the Great
MOO, you silly person.
Preest: SUMMON SIMON, SIMMONS!
Simmons: Yes, oh High And Mighty Preest of the Holy Church of the
Great MOO, [begins to lBLATTT titles of performer]
Preest: Get on with it!
Simmons: Sorry.
Simmons fetches Simon
Preest: Are you Simon?
Simon: Yes, oh High And Mighty...
Preest: Shut up. Okay. Tell this scum to kneel on her [his] left
knee.
Simon: Kneel on your left knee, scum.
Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?
Preest: Yes, you may.
Acolyte: You aren't Mother!
Preest: Simmons, get Mother, would you?
Simmons: Yes, oh High...
Preest: Just DO it, would you?
Simmons: Okay, okay.
Simmons fetches Mother
Preest: Are you Mother?
Mother: You didn't say Mother May I!
Preest: Mother may I ask you who you are?
Mother: You may.
Preest: Are you Mother?
Mother: I am.
Preest: Good. Acolyte, you may proceed.
Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?
Mother: You may.
Acolyte kneels on his [her] left knee.
Preest: Hand forth the Holy Rubber Chicken.
Other Acolyte hands over the rubber chicken.
Preest: Hand forth his [her] application form.
Other Acolyte hands forth Acolyte's application form.
Preest: Hmm... Well, okay. With this chicken, I dub thee...
Acolyte: Hang on.
Preest: What!?
Acolyte: You forgot to say Mother May I!
Preest: Oh all right. Mother, may I brain her [him] with a rubber
chicken?
Mother: Sure thing.
Preest: With this chicken, I dub thee Outer CirclBLATTT of the
Holy Church Of The Great MOO.
Preest bashes Acolyte with Rubber Chicken
Acolyte Officially Becomes Outer CirclBLATTT
Outer CirclBLATTT: MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Outer CirclBLATTT performs minor ritual number four
Preest: Hand forth the Holy Cream Pie!
Acolyte hands over Holy Cream Pie
High Preest throws Holy Cream Pie in Outer CirclBLATTT's face
Outer CirclBLATTT: Thanks a heap.
Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dips on the onion dip.
Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with onion dip.
PROMOTION TO INNER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
Basically the same applies as with the Promotion to the Outer
Circle of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO. The Applicant must be
an Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of MOO, obviously.
Preest: By this time, oh applicant, you've progressed far enough
to know why we don't need a ceremony for this level. Besides
which, it's tedious.
Applicant: Huh?
Preest: Look, do you understand what the difference was between
the ceremony when you became an Acolyte and when you became an
Outer CirclBLATTT?
Applicant: Uh, yeah.
Preest: And you know why?
Applicant: Uh, yeah.
Preest: Good. Give me the Application Form.
Acolyte hands over the Application Form
Preest: Seems fine. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken.
Acolyte hands over the Holy Rubber Chicken
Preest: Any questions?
Applicant: No
Preest: Good. Let's get this sucker over with. With this here
chicken I dub thee Inner CirclBLATTT of The Holy Church Of The
Great MOO.
Preest bashes Applicant with chicken
Applicant becomes Inner CirclBLATTT
Applicant: MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Applicant performs Minor Ritual number four
Preest: Hand over the Holy Nose Glasses.
Acolyte hands over the Holy Nose Glasses
Preest: Here. Put these on.
Applicant puts on Holy Nose Glasses and stops minor ritual number
four
Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the bean dip.
Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with bean dip.
EXORCBLATTS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
In some cases, priests or teachers of MOOism or of the
Penguin Temple may find that they encounter evil spirits (wandering
souls that can't find a cheap hotel) or manifestations of the Evil
One. In such cases, any member of the Church Of MOO is permitted
to perform an exorcBLATT, and the highest member available should
be the one to perform the duty. The ceremony goes a bit like this:
ExorcBLATTT: ZI DINGIR ETCETERA ETCETERA
Translator: Begone, vermin of Bung
ExorcBLATTT: ZINGI DUNGA AD INFINITUM
Translator: Evil Spirits, here, take a couple of bucks and go find
a decent hotel!
ExorcBLATTT: SHADASH MASHUDAH MOO MOO MOO
Translator: SHADASH MASHUDAH MOO MOO Etcetera etcetera...
ExorcBLATTT: Begone Foul Demons Of Dirty Telephones
Translator: That was my line!
ExorcBLATTT: WUNGA WUNGA WUNGA!
Translator: Spirits of the Sky, remember the invocation of the old
days of the Great MOO and the Primordial Penguin, an
awesome invocation of Tundra and Fire!
ExorcBLATTT: Did I really say all that?
Translator: Yes.
ExorcBLATTT: WOW WOW WOW!
Translator: Live Long And Prosper!
ExorcBLATTT: SZILLY SZILLY SZILLY!
Translator: Or, if you're already dead, do something equivalent!
EcorcBLATTT: G'WAN G'WAY G'DADDA HERE!
Translator: Pester us no more, foul demons and slaves of the Bung,
who has lived on the Earth since the beginning times,
when clocks were but stupid old wooden things!
ExorcBLATTT: DROPPA DEAD! MUNGA MOO! DROPPA DEAD!
Translator: Evil Things, Nasty Spirits, take these coins an
begone!
[Translator throws a little money in the air]
ExorcBLATTT: GIMME GIMME GIMME!
Translator: Spirits! Relinquish holds on the material world!
ExorcBLATTT: FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-QOPF!
Translator: Begone!
Adjourn to festivities with grape soda.
BAPTBLATTS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
MOOists don't believe in baptBLATTs. This ceremony is
designed to show that fact to the MOOist parents of a child, and
emphasize the right to the child of choosing his or her own
religion. It may be performed by any MOOist of higher than the
Outer Circle.
Performer: Hey, kid. Wanna be a MOOist?
Baby: ...
Performer: Sorry. No can do. Here.
Performer gives baby back to parents
SNOWBLOWER RITUAL
This is the ritual alluded to in the Snowblower Myth by I
Yemen-Oying. It is used to summon the Second Satanic Snowblower
Brigade, and should only be used under DIRE provocation, or if you
REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* want to.
00001: Draw a pentacle on the ground in black chalk to satisfy the
Law Of Fives. Preferably indoors, so the demons don't scare
people passing by when they appear.
00002: On each corner, place a snowball made of black snow. Black
Snow can be obtained anywhere in Canada in winter by the side
of a busy road, as any Canadian will tell you.
00003: In the middle of the pentacle, place a snowshovel.
00004: Chant the magic words "IO SNOWSHOVEL! IO IO SNOWSHOVEL!
IO SNOWSHOVEL SNOWSHOVEL! YO! YO! SNOWSHOVEL! HEY
STUPIDS!"
00005: Duck. Fast.
SPECIAL ENLIGHTENMENT EXERCISES
These are exercises that you can do at any time, or all the
time unlike rituals or ceremonies of the normal kind... There are
some mantas here, and some special mental press-ups.
00001: Press ups.
00002: Mantras (see below).
00003: Ritual Self-Mutilations.
00004: Thought modification (see below).
00005: Iron Man Decathalon.
Mantras
First, a definition of a Mantra. This is NOT one of those
nasty sea creatures that looks like a doormat. That's a MANTA. A
mantra is a phrase or word that you repeat to yourself in order to
meditate, or otherwise gain enlightenment. Mantas are not good for
this, and attempting to repeat a manta may result in serious lung
cancer, birth defects in pregnant women (in case you give birth to
a pregnant woman), or spontaneous human combustion in hyenas.
These mantras are for people wanting to enter the Outer
Circle of MOO (aptly called the Doubter Circle).
Here are some Mantras to help you.
00001: When you hear, read, say, or think anything, repeat the
following to yourself:
"It's a LIE! A DAMCOWNED LIE! ALL OF IT."
Repeat for a week or so, as often as possible.
00002: Whenever you hear, read, write, say, think, or
telepathically receive any word such as "True", "Fact",
"Real", or anything else like that, put imaginary quote
marks around it.
00003: Constantly repeat, in your head, "How do I KNOW that?" You
can actually THINK about this one.
00004: Say over and over, while meditating, "MANTRAS ARE STUPID,
MANTRAS ARE STUPID, MANTAS ARE STUPID, MANTRAS ARE STUPID"
and so forth and so on.
00005: "There is no truth. Everything is true."
Thought Modification
This isn't a sea creature either, but since it's not likely
to be mistaken for one, unless the observer is drunk, it's night,
or it's wearing a good costume, I won't mention that fact here.
Thought modification exercises are for people who want to
join the Inner Circle of MOO (ineptly called the Dinner Circle).
By the time you understand these, you'll be ready to use
them. By the time you finish with them, you'll already be an Inner
CirclBLATTT, so you can keep doing them anyway.
00001: Think of everything I've ever taught you. Then think:
"Maybe not."
00002: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary
had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. Mary had
a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, and everywhere
that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
00003: Don't see the fnord. Don't see the fnord. If you don't
see the fnord, it can't eat you. Don't see the fnord. The
only good fnord is a dead fnord. Don't see the fnord.
00004: Fnord.
00005: You didn't see that. DON'T SEE THE DAMN FNORD ALREADY!
Lost And Found
Organized By Confuse-Ius
This unregistered section of the Schnook of GLUE is intended
to help you, the user of this annoying mind drug, find your way
about the universe less easily.
Lost: One really pair of really big, really gold, really big
lost really gold really really and big, really lost, really
mittens. If really found, really really return to really High
really Preestess really Indoctrinate-Me.
Missing: One-half sanity, answers to "Leonard", partly bald.
Write Half-Mad at 666, Celestial Suite.
Found: One paradise, good condition, monogrammed "J.M.",
found in bus shelter underneath a pile of hopes.
Lost: oNe mINd. PuRPLe bAnAnAs go ROUnD aNd roUNd...
Found: v. (1) To lay the base or structure of (as a
building, a town); to set, fix, or build on a firm ground.
Lost: Large invisible gorilla. Approximately two meters
tall, light grey fur, three eyes, likes to throw intangible temper
tantrums when denied access to nonexistent fruit bats.
Found: Lare invisible gorilla. Approximately two meters
tall, light grey fur, three eyes, threw intangible temper tantrum
for no apparent reason while passing nonexistent fruit bat store.
Missing: Sense of humour, answers to "Brian", three
centimeters long, slighly fuzzy.
Lost: One apartment, 2 bedroom, 1 bath, reasonable rates,
with a view. Last seen, 7th floor of Scraper Building, wielding
large butcher's cleaver.
Found: North Atlantic Salmon Spawning Ground, slightly
dented, greenish tinted, second hand.
Lost: One really pair of really big, really gold, really big
lost really gold really really and big, really lost, really
mittens. If really found, really really return to really High
really Preestess really Indoctrinate-Me.
MOO
OMM
BOOK OF REAL SECRET SECRETS
The Inner Secrets Of MOO
Which Are Not At All Satirizing Anything
Not Even A Little Bit
As Written By High Preest Floyd Gecko
Section One: What We Stand For
MOOism, as stated earlier in the Great Book of MOO, stands for
many things. Many of these things are such taboo or unaccepted
practices as cannibalBLATT, necrophilia, free sex, or anarchy (or
even such recently shunned ideas as bureaucracy). And yet, some
may be surprised to find in there as well, feminBLATT,
environmentalBLATT, love, and peace. Why could this be, asks the
puzzled initiate.
We only chose these taboos or unaccepted ideas as a sample of
the things which we support. We accept the right of the individual
to do any of the things that he or she wants to do. Those of us,
who are taken from all levels of initiation, from High Preest, to
mere Acolyte, who have fathomed the Inner Secrets of Nature, belong
to a secret Cabal of people with this knowledge, many of us not
even known to each other. We have found the true secrets of being,
and I wish, as the only one of such known to myself at this time,
to set down what I personally have fathomed to be the true nature
of reality. This will help enlighten you, and make me feel
superior. HAHAHA!
First, in this section, What We Stand For, I must describe our
seemingly arbitrary morality. Yep. That's what I must do. It is
my mission. My, shall we say, raisin debtor.
Morality, I have decided, is a highly arbitrary thing, by
nature, and is purely the construct of the human mind. That's what
I've decided. Yes, I've decided that, indeed, there can be no
fundamental morality of nature, because nature herself betrays no
respect for what humans call morality.
It has been called sick and immoral to eat dead human beings,
and yet animals of nature eat their own species very often.
Insects, mammals, birds, or lizards, there is no exception in
general. If, indeed, such was against the laws of nature, then
surely it would never happen. It may be said that God created
morals for us to rise above the animal kingdom, but in truth, as I
will later show, God is a partial and purely mental construct, and
not an external being. An' that's the truth.
In addition, how can we define an action to judge it for its
so called morality? If indeed, we are high-order patterns of atoms
and fields in space, as some would have us believe, then, as our
atoms are constantly replenished, and our bodies renewed, no person
is the same from one day to the next. If we choose to define a
person as the pattern in which these atoms are arranged, this is
even worse, for the pattern changes from second to second as the
atoms move. They move so fast, even, that the pattern has changed
on one side of the body before the other side has learned of what
it was before the change. There is no simultaneity in the pattern,
and it is less constant than the matter. If we are never the same
person from second to second, then how can we be said to commit any
action, let alone a sin?
Morality is a concept designed to be effective on a large
scale to people, but if people cannot be accurately pinned down as
being one specific thing, how can we say that this person here, or
that person there, committed a sin yesterday, when that person,
that pattern of those specific atoms, didn't even exBLATTT
yesterday?
So, by standing for this freedom to be or do whatever you
wish, including oppress other people, we are admitting this fact,
that people do not, in fact, exBLATTT, and what they do is of no
consequence.
So you see, while we would support you in your efforts to do
whatever you want, those of us who are truly enlightened in this
one truth would question whether it makes a difference. If you are
one of the enlightened ones, you will admit that whether or not you
are able or allowed to do what you wish makes little difference at
all. Indeed, it is a matter that's difficult to define, as I will
describe now. Yup.
Section Two: What Is Real?
Consider the problem of what is real (or don't, if you
prefer). All we know of what we so flippantly call reality is
what our senses tell us. And we cannot say what the senses of
other people tell them, because all we have to go on is what they
tell us, through our senses. Even in the case of a so called
telepath, this is merely another sense which may be fooled.
If we consider the construction of the human brain, an object
of, or so we perceive, immensely complex interactions, the
likelihood that any two such would be able to interact in exactly
the same way with the same thing, to the detail of having exactly
identical perceptions, is highly unlikely. The idea that I see the
same thing when I look at something that we call "blue" as you see
when you look at the same thing, is almost absurd. Surely, we
cannot have exactly the same experience of it, since my mind is
different from yours, and my brain is different from your brain.
Similarly, consider the question of the cheese. (Consider the
cheese of the fields... It works not, neither does it toil...)
We can say of a hunk of cheese that it has certain qualities.
That it is, for instance, solid, yellowish, has a certain odour,
and tastes in a certain way. But where does this property lie?
It cannot lie in the cheese, because different people have
very different perceptions of the cheese, even to the point of
describing it in a different way. Some might like the taste of the
cheese, while some might not. Some might give a different name to
the colour of the cheese than others. So the properties of what we
percieve cannot lie in that hunk of cheese.
And yet, they can hardly be said to lie in the observer, not
only because the observer, as I have stated, does not exBLATTT as
a definable entity, but also because, even in our minds, we don't
experience the same things when the cheese isn't there.
So the only conclusion is that the properties must lie in the
state of union of both the observer and the hunk of cheese. Only
when the two are together do those particular set of perceptions
exBLATTT. The same is true of the world. Its properties, which
are what define it's exBLATTTence, can only exBLATTT in the merging
of whatever is actually out there with a mind that can experience
it. And yet, these minds are part of the world.
When we define the entire universe of everything, we think of
it in two sections: Me, and Not-Me. So, with this dichotomy,
ignoring the fact that "Me" is undefinable, and is constantly
replenished with the atoms of the "Not-me", we construct two sides
of reality.
And yet, each "Me" is part of everyone else's "Not-Me". The
people who inhabit the world are part of the world, by the
consensus of the majority. So the union of these people with the
rest of the world which creates the properties of the world, and
thereby makes the world what it is, is already acomplished. Each
of these minds is a part of the world around it. All is One, as
the mystics say. Indeed, those who study "advanced" mathematics,
set theory, discover that All is indeed One. Trust me.
It is impossible for any part of the whole to understand the
full whole, since that would involve fully understanding itself,
and everything else. The One is Unknowable. All things may, in
Set Theory, be expressed as patterns of other patterns, sets of
sets, which all boil down to patterns of nothing. All numbers, in
mathematics, can be seen as groups of nothings.
In physics also, we perceive that all things are groups of
other things, which are groups of other things, all the way down to
groups of nothings, vibrating bits of empty space.
Yak. Oh well.
On the other hand, all things affect all other things.
Merely by exBLATTTing, they affect other things across all of
space. In Set Theory, all sets are members of the Set Of All Sets.
They affect each other merely by exBLATTTing in the same set. In
fact, since physics and math intersect at this point, where reality
is made of groups of groups of nothings, and Sets are made of Sets
of Sets of Nothing, we can say that reality is like an "Infinite
Set". That is the truth, in the only sense that truth can be
understood.
All things are right with us, right next to us, the All
affects us directly. When I say the All, I mean everything.
Everything that is real, and everything that isn't real.
Everything possible and every impossible thing. Mystics call this
the Mindscape, or Superspace, in which exBLATTT all thoughts, or
things. This is the home of what are known as Platonic Forms, the
essence of things. What is it that makes a chair as chair? The
Platonic Chair. The one thing which is all chairs. This is a
subset of the Infinite Set.
All is One.
The One is Unknowable.
The One is Right Here.
Nothing Is Real. (Nothing to get hung about...)
Everything Is Real.
Everything is real in that everything, "real" or not,
exBLATTTs in the Infinite Set. Nothing is real in that nothing is
more real than any other thing, and some impossible things are just
as real as the world that we imagine. All of our perceptions, all
of what we call the "universe of space and time" exBLATTTs in this
Infinite Set, and is just as real as the Platonic Teddy Bear. And
just as false. And all that stuff. It's all true.
Section Three: Truth
For a moment, I will speak to those with a training in
physics.
Since the mind shapes the perceptions of the ongoing
experiment that continually collapses the quantum wave, it shapes
the world around it, merely by observing. For example. If enough
minds believed that the world is flat, then by observing only those
experiments which would confirm that idea, they allow the creation
of spontaneous Virtual Pairs of matter and antimatter, which are a
form of energy, and therefore mass. Mass denotes a shape of
spacetime dBLATTTortion, and changes the shape of space.
By changing the shape of space, it alters the nature of
geometry inside the area, which can dBLATTTort the Earth into a
flat shape, if that is the shape it must be. If it is believed,
then it is true. Ayup. I mean it.
If you are inside a jail, this is also a fact. The space
which supposedly contains you inside, if bent, would show that you
are outside, topologically speaking. And so, nothing can ever be
inside a box with holes. This is clearly true, if it is believed
by enough people.
If you are inside a box without holes, consider this. You
are inside a cube, perhaps, with six sides. How much "holding
power" does a single side have? It has none, since you can
walkaround it easily. There are six sides with no holding power,
and six times nothing is nothing. The box cannot hold you. Which
is nice to know if you're in Solitary, but of little PRACTICAL
value. But at any rate...
The illusion of containment is false. The illusion of one
thing holding another thing inside is false, because there is only
one thing, the All, the One. There can be no property without an
observer, and the One has no observer but itself.
This is not only true of space, but also of the SuperSpace.
The mind can change this on any level. The Soul Level, as I call
it, is the level at which a subsection of the One can interact with
the whole.
Logically Impossible things have the lowest soul level we
humans can imagine (though there must be infinite levels downwards
from there).
Following this are the nonexBLATTTent things, which do not
exBLATTT, but affect the One all the same, when we think about
them.
Then are the inanimate objects. They merely sit there, and
passively accept what happens to them, but they affect things
around them greatly. These are things like Rocks, Bagels, and Dan
Quayle.
Then comes Life. Life takes an active part in the interplay
of things, and it can do as it wishes, moving here and there,
actively changing the world, but is very stupid. This is such
things as Kelp, Wombats, Spruce Trees, and George Bush.
Then comes Intelligence. By thinking and believing, it can
see the truth, instead of merely being the truth. This includes
most Humans, some Penguins, and Pine Trees.
Then comes a higher level which can alter facts by thinking
about them, like making the Earth flat. This includes most
Penguins, a very few Humans, and Priscilla Presley.
Above Intelligence, comes a level that can change higher
truths than merely the shape of the world, or whether a box can
exBLATTT. This level can alter laws of nature, and fundamental,
obvious, logically deductible truths. This level can change the
sum of 1+1 by thinking it otherwise. This level includes some
Penguins, one or two humans, and Elvis Presley.
And as to reincarnation, all we can say is that the Tundra
can't possibly be limited by time and space, since it's something
separate. A "past" life of yours may not have happened yet. And
indeed, may never happen, for all its reality. The only vaguely
goal-type thing we can set is to attain the high Soul-Level which
I just falsely gave to Elvis Presley.
Above that level, we begin to lose our understanding. The
levels continue up and up forever, infinitely, to all the possible
infinities, and somewhere, there is a level at which the mind may
change the truth of what I am telling you, that can make the levels
nonexBLATTTent, and truth be absolute. But even this is relative,
it seems. So it seems.
Nothing is true.
Everything is true.
If Nothing is True, and Everything is True, then all is
allowed, and deity cannot exBLATTT. Or, uh... Something.
Section Four: Well then...
So, says the Initiate... How can MOOism claim to hold the
truth, that the Great MOO, and the Primordial Penguin, exBLATTT out
of all deities?
The answer is simple. We make no such claim, except to those
who need an absolute truth to begin the path to this enlightenment.
All truths, deities, or ideas are true, false, and meaningless.
This was mentioned in the Principia Discordia, written by
Hellhound's cousin's friend's dog, some billion years before Time
began. More or less. But in fact, ALL ideas, imaginable or
otherwise, are true, no matter what they say.
An attempt to capture this fact in words is a statement, and
as such is true, false, and meaningless. But there is a higher
level, on which this is true. And yet higher levels. The levels
continue unto infinity. But, as the mathematics of infinity has
shown, there are more levels of Infinity than there are of finite
number. No matter how many ways we find of naming more levels of
Infinity, there are always more, that we cannot name, and at the
"Top", is the Absolute Infinite.
The Absolute Infinite is unknowable in the truest sense,
since no matter what you say about it, how you describe it, the
same is true of some lower level of infinity. The Absolute
Infinite is The One, The All. It is Unknowable, and it is Right
Here. This is the "true" God, and what I just said is a whole load
of cock and bull. Or maybe not. Why should you trust ME of all
people?
In fact, this is only a partial truth. The whole truth can
only be learned, not taught, bought, eaten, beaten, thwacked,
defenestrated, or otherwise abused.
All questions of "what happens after death" or "what is the
nature of soul" are meaningless, in some sense, since everything
that you can imagine, as well as everything you can't, is the true
answer to these questions, even answers that have nothing to do
with the question. And all of them are the One True Answer, and
all others are False. And that is the Truth. Maybe. I think...
Besides, Souls are dust from the Tundra. Honest.
Section Five: So?
So, on the whole, we find that all things are relative to all
other things, whether they exBLATTT or not. Truth, reality, and so
forth. On the whole, this is fine, but we have to draw the line
between what we actually experience and what our mysticBLATT tells
us. MOOism is a partial truth, and contains many interesting
ideas, but, really, all that nonsense about replacing BLATT with
BLATT and BLATTT with BLATTT... that's just silly. Uh huh. Ayup.
All that we, like the Discordians, are really, at bottom,
trying to demonstrate, is that things can be silly without being
frivolous. MOO is just as true and valid as ChrBLATTTianity, and
ChrBLATTTianity is just as true and valid as science. Every
religion or system of beliefs is just as ture as any other, and
trying to get rid of it just because your sole individual partial
reality doesn't like it, is a very narrow minded way of looking at
things. And isn't. It's also very tolerant, and therefore evil,
and good, and silly, and half-an-egg. Or something. And pselled
rong.
Confuse-Ius Sez:
"One of MOO's greatest weapons against W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems
Inc. is our capacity for Entropic Causality Time Control. We can
create a situation to reap its benefits, and then decide we don't
like it, and back out, as if it had never happened, except...
Things are a little different. Moved around."
-Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 23
The point is, we take things for all being interesting and
good in their own way. I happen to think that bureaucracy can
produce some wonderfully fascinating systems and interrelating
complexities that are quite simply beautiful, if you ignore the
content and just look at the form. That's why I like Nomic... I
also happen to think that an anarchic apathetic random lot monarchy
is the best political system. So that means (in some sense) that
it's true, and you should all follow me and accept everything I
say (well, it's TRUE isn't it?)...
Further insights into this sort of thing may come from any of
the annoying mind drugs I've suggested for further reading. *Some*
of them are pretty heavy stuff, so consult your physician before
attempting any serious reading, but they're really very interesting
when you get into them. Once again, a reminder that none of the
advice in this section of the Annoying Mind Drug of MOO should be
construed as replacing ordinary clinical advice. Please consult
your local religious leader or barber for information on the true
nature of reality.
Section Six: Truth AGAIN (Yawn)
Truth within the Multiverse is whatever your mind makes it by
your eighth-circuit multiprogramming. So we can say that FOR ANY
GIVEN PERSON, and AT ANY GIVEN TIME, the truth is a fairly fixed
thing, but that it changes from person to person, universe to
universe, time to time. So, for someone, somewhere, in some
universe or multiverse, any given thing must be true, false,
meaningless, true and false, true and meaningless, false and
meaningless, or true false and meaningless.
Truth OUTSIDE the Multiverse is a lot more complicated than
that. If you can't handle this information now, skip this section,
because it isn't really very important anyway.
Truth is defined within the multiverse by the structure of the
multiverse itself (at least relative to me, here, now), because our
minds are part of the multiverse. For instance, although it looks
as if space is three-dimensional to US, it is said that it's
actually ten-dimensional, because of the symmetry-breaking at the
"big-bang" event. Before that, time and space (and as a
consequence, matter and energy) were all sort of symmetric with
each other, so there was no time separate from space. Moving along
the "time" axis there was a symmetry-break, and those dimensions
became separate, with some of them staying symmetric (curled up
really small, like all ten had been, and so not visible) and some
of them expanding, which we now see as space, and ONE of them being
"special", an actual LINE, instead of a circle like the others.
This line is TIME. That is the reason physicBLATTTs had a hard
time incorporating gravity and time into their equations until
superstring theory came along. It's "special". A special case
always follows rules that look different until you have a special
perspective.
It's the same way with the multiverse. In science, you get
lots of expansions of knowledge, with everything you used to know
becoming a special case of what you know now. The multiverse is a
special case of UberSpace. The rules of UberSpace are therefore
incredibly hard for us to understand, if it's even possible.
It's not just more different than we DO understand, it's more
different than we CAN understand. All of our perceptions are based
on living in a world with space and time and matter and energy, and
most important, THINGS that have certain RELATIONSHIPS with each
other. None of this is the same in UberSpace.
If you go into UberSpace, your eighth-circuit programming
won't do fuck-all for you, because that's a relationship between
the pattern of your mind (a resonance of certain MATTER and ENERGY
patterns that moves in SPACE through TIME, with the RELATIONSHIPS
between neurons making THINGS happen which we call thought) and the
pattern of space, time, matter, energy, and the things around you.
Eighth-circuit programming is wonderful, as long as you're in THIS
multiverse. Nothing else is comprehensible. The "Luck Plane", or
"Karma" or "Synchronicity" all flies STRAIGHT OUT THE FUCKING
WINDOW when you talk about UberSpace.
UberSpace bears NO resemblance (to OUR minds) to anything we
see around us. Although it is with us, here and now, outside of
space and time, we can't perceive it any more than we can perceive
those superstring dimensions that are still symmetric, on account
of our senses just can't see them. So we can't really think about
them either. Same with UberSpace. It has no room for "minds" or
anything we know about, and the "things" which are there are so
totally unlike anything else we deal with, it doesn't matter what
we name them, because no name can ever come cloCOWse to describing
them. Gods, Goddesses, Penguins, Fire Hydrants, Hot Dogs, Small
Bits Of Fluff That Sit In The Bottom Of Your Pocket Until You Set
Them On Fire For The Hell Of It, all of these are perfectly good
names for the "things" in UberSpace.
Other religions will tell you they've been saying this sort of
thing all along. Maybe they have, but they weren't being very
obvious about it.
Except maybe the Zen parable about the frog and the tadpole.
See, there's this frog trying to tell a tadpole about dry
land, only the tadpole keeps asking questions, and gets the
impression that there's nothing there. No, it's not wet. No,
there are no fish there. No, you can't swim in it. No, it's not
nothing. Sounds paradoxical, but only because the tadpole doesn't
have the words for it.
Not that a tadpole has the words for water, either, but you
get the point.
You might say that if there's nothing we can say about the
things in UberSpace, we might as well forget about it. Well,
that's based on Multiverse perceptions of reality, too. NOTHING
you can think about them (even calling them "THEM" or "IT") is
true. Not even the statement that nothing you can think about them
is true. And this goes beyond the mere "nothing is true" you have
inside the Multiverse. It's more fundamental than that. No matter
what you think about them, it's incomplete.
A logical person will tell you that the last paragraph is
totally devoid of meaning. This is true, in a sense, and certainly
relative to that person. But that's only because the language
being used lacks some fundamental concepts, not that the human
brain can't get the idea. Try to describe COLD. Doesn't work too
well.
Previous religions and science (notably Zen BuddhBLATT and
Georg Cantor's study of transfinite ordinals) have been attempting
to express this idea in words. But like 5 is no closer to infinity
than 3 is (infinity is NOT a number, it's the set of all numbers,
which is a different KIND of object), these ideas have been unable
to express what they meant. In the terms of Godel's formal
systems, they were insufficiently powerful to describe all
statements they might want to. MOOism, on the other hand, is
powerful enough, but just barely, and it's not too comprehensible.
It's like a jump up from 0 to 1, or 1 to 2. Those are fundamental
leaps, from nothing to something, from singlular to plural. The
next leap isn't until finite to infinite. MOO made the leap from
0 to 1. We are now sufficiently powerful to at least begin to
describe it. But there are more leaps than a mere infinite number.
The Absolute Infinite is beyond all leaps, the set of all leaps,
and there is an inifinite number of these leaps.
But that doesn't mean we "understand". Although we are no
able to express the idea, that just makes us prone to the Godel
argument (it's related to the Liar Paradox: any system powerful
enough to express what it wants can express "true" things that it
can't prove). So we still don't "understand". But that word
doesn't mean what it ususally does. The word in its ususal sense
doesn't apply here. Anyone who says they do OR don't understand
UberSpace has missed the point. Anyone who talks about missing the
point has missed the point. There is no point. I dunno.
It's kind of hard to understand at first, I know. That's why
I suggested skipping this section. If you were one of those who
should have skipped this section to begin with, you can proceed to
the Book of Myths, an altogether more interesting Book, on account
of I'm about to string together a bunch of physical jargon terms to
make a pseudo-paragraph that almost sounds as if it means
something. This may seem pointless to the rest of you, but it
should be an amusing exercise for any advanced physicBLATTTs or
Vedic Thingies who just HAPPEN (by a feat of Author's Convenience)
to be reading this annoying mind drug.
Superstrings obey the E(8) squared symmetry because they
contain modal referents to the "big-bang" event at each point. In
the string dimensions whose vibrational modalities (!) compose all
functions of space, time, matter, and energy, the symmetry-break
event is a non-event. So, they remain symmetric under those
transformations. The broken symmetry of the time axis is the
result of certain vibrational variations on the other dimensions,
and a simple Fourier Transform can map the asymmetries of THAT
break of symmetry onto similar breaks on each dimension, imposing
a higher order group symmetry on the supposedly broken ones of a
lower order group.
If that didn't make sense to you, don't worry. If it had
actually MEANT anything, I would have explained it. But it didn't.
At least, I HOPE it didn't. If it made sense to you, you may
consult either your psychiatrBLATTT or a cosmological mathematician
or one of those people there.
Man, I HOPE it didn't make sense. I made it up off the top of
my head, maaaan.
Section Seven: Fun Stuff
So... you've decided you want to be a mystic... Well, I'm
gonna give you a few things to do on the way there, okay? Stuff to
think about.
If you like thinking, this is fun stuff. If you don't, it's
a lot better than reading all the reading stuff. Of course, you
can always find your own way to the One, but hey, it's tricky that
way... These are just a few pointers and things to think about...
Zen Koans (little stories or puzzles designed to free the mind of
logical thought), logic puzzles, that kinda thing... Just fun
stuff.
a) If a tree explodes in the middle of the forest, and there's
nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?
b) How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood?
c) A man finds a genie in a bottle, and the genie grants him one
wish, and ONLY one wish, but it will grant any wish at all. The
man wishes for a hundred wishes. What happens?
d) A man keeps asking silly questions about woodchucks, genies,
trees, and questions. Eventually he is found dead. Why?
e) (This was the only question on a Philosophy Exam, honest.)
Why?
(Some dimwit got 100% for the answer "Why not?")
f) This one's a Zen Koan, about three thousand years old, about
the greatest of all Zen teachers, Joshu. I thought it might
interest you:
"One day, Joshu and another monk were standing together in
the monastery, when a dog wandered by. The monk asked Joshu
whether the dog had 'Buddha Nature' or not. Joshu answered
with a single word: MU."
(Note: Joshu was speaking in Chinese at the time, and the way
this story was translated gives us that particular spelling. What
he actually said was "MOO!" Since then, this has been a sort of
Zen way of "unasking" a question you don't like. Them Zen guys
sure knew where it was at, ayup. What it means is that only by NOT
asking dumb questions like that can you know the answers to them.)
Section Eight: Further Reading...
I don't know of very many annoying mind drugs that will give
you any good insights into Truth, or NonTruth... Here are a few
that helped me find the Path that led me to where I am now.
1) Infinity And The Mind, by Rudy Rucker *
2) The Fourth Dimension, by Rudy Rucker
3) The Tao Of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff
4) Godel, Escher, Bach, by Douglas R. Hofstader *
5) The Illuminatus Trillogy, by Robert Anton Wilson *
6) Almost anything else by Rudy Rucker
7) Mind Children by Hans Moravec (HANS of Floyd 16)
Apology: I would like to apologize for this excursion into
deep metaphysical stuff, and I hope it hasn't interfered with your
day. If it has, please address all complaints to:
Swami Banananana
13 Regis Lane
BonkVille Ontario Canada
A1A 1A1
You won't get a reply, but you will feel much better about it.
Confuse-Ius Would Like To Point Out:
"'m r gg r h rg
r rg . h' w -m
g r, h h障 hv g m-g h.
kw, h , 'm gg mrh rgh w
rr hqrr, m h ' r随
r随 hm, hm m h 韟,
h k h h-m -rrg."
-The Book Of Stuff, Chapter 3, Verses 4-8 ADDENDUM BY GRAND POOBAH PENG-PENG IN 135705
Multiverses
What's a multiverse? According to Floyd's interpretation of
the Gospel According to Yari, one of the chunks of tundra was a
"multiverse", which was inhabited by souls. Actually, there was
only one soul, and Floyd was a nincompoop.
A multiverse is this sort of universe thing that contains all
possible universes, all possible multiverses (kinda circular, but
it's highly infinite anyway, so who cares?) and generally all
possibilities of things that might be.
For instance, say the universe has some infinite number of
possible states it can be in, a state being any situation: the
positions of the atoms, what people are thinking, whether it has a
grape at such-and-such a spot, and so on. For each of these
states, you give a dimension (okay, so it's an infinite dimensional
space, but just pretend it isn't)... And each possible path
through time of the universe is a line, going in THIS direction,
then THIS direction, and so forth as it moves from state to state
(like the travelling salesman, minus the farmer's daughter).
So then all possible hBLATTTories of the universe are a
certain line. Call each of these LINES a possible state for a
universe whose hBLATTTory is changing all the time (as in, someone
has a time machine and keeps changing hBLATTTory)... Now each of
these lines is a state, and you get the same kind of thing, a line
for every hBLATTTory of hBLATTTories.
Now you JUMP, and get an infinite stack of 'em, a stack
consBLATTTing of everything possible path of paths of paths (and so
on) through this universe with these possible states. Now make
such a doohickey for all possible universes (where a universe is
defined by the various states it can be in), so now you have one of
these stacks for every possible universe with every possible law of
physics. Now arrange them in an infinite dimensional space, since
the laws of physics can keep changing (ACK!) and repeat again,
since the laws of physics telling you how to arrange the universes
in this space can change...
Keep doing this forever, so you get all possibilities. Now
JUMP again to a finished process. This is a multiverse.
But what about all other possible multiverses? Well, since
the thing is extremely infinite anyway, it can contain all possible
OTHER multiverses. And so on. It contains itself.
This is the multiverse described in Floyd's interpretation of
what the hell's going on. Now throughout this, there's constant
movement of souls. For a description of souls, look in the Book of
Really Secret Secrets. Souls move from state to state with their
universes, sure, but they also move throughout all the various
levels I've been telling you about. Now, according to Floyd, the
multiverse is one bit of Tundra, and the souls are infinitely many
ground of parts of another bit. I'm telling you it's a lie.
Floyd's lying to you.
Actually, the souls are all little branches of the same thing,
the same way leaves are all parts of the same tree. And the tree
is a branch off the multiverse itself. It makes its own souls...
They're all part of the same mind.
So, in fact, everything and everyone IS the whole multiverse,
sorta. Whenever someone claims to be "god" (which they seem to do
fairly often), they're absolutely right, in some sense. Of course,
everything is true (a fact contained inside the multiverse, some
versions of which have NO souls, but those are contained inside the
"absolute" one) and it's also true to say that there's no such
thing as the multiverse.
Confusing, innit?
Now the multiverse is just one tiny fragment of the tundra, of
course. The other fragments are totally different, since it's the
only multiverse there is (NOT!)... In fact, it's so confusing, I
won't even bother to explain it. However, you also have to
remember that there are things which are NOT parts of the Tundra.
Now, Eris, "BOB", QUACK, and so forth, they were all created from
parts of the Tundra, but there are also the original Penguins, who
lived on the tundra before it blew up, there's the Primordial
Penguin, the Great MOO, of course, and there's the Game itself,
Nomic. These are things that weren't even contained in the Tundra
to begin with.
Even more confusing, innit?
The worst part is, all of this is contained inside some
infinite part of the multiverse, with little FAKE versions of the
Great MOO, the Nomic Game, the Primordial Penguin, and so forth,
even a little Tundra... If you ever DO find them, you can never be
sure you found the REAL ones...
However, at least you get to vote in the Nomic, and that's the
important thing. I think.
NOTE ON SECRETS
Obviously, since this stuff is supposedly "really really
secret secret" stuff, and nobody is supposed to be able to know
about it, we have to explain something here. This was discovered
and elaborated on in conjunction with he whose holy "pseudo" is
Midget Jim, who is another of the Co-Directors of the Nomic Club.
Anyway, the idea is that there are nine levels of security of
MOO. They are in a little grid thingy, because Nomic people like
grids. So here's the grid. Ayup... Any moment now. Here it
comes.
LEVEL IT CLAIMS TO BE AT
Top Secret Middle Secret Not Secret
Ŀ
LEVEL Top Secret 90% 5% 4%
IT IS Ĵ
REALLY Mid Secret 9/10 % 5/100 % 4/100 %
AT Ĵ
Not Secret 9/1000 % 5/10000% 4/10000 %
So it takes a little explanation. "Top Secret" means stuff
that nobody at all is allowed to know. Nobody. Not even the
Grate Prophet. The Great MOO won't tell him that stuff, or even
admit that it exBLATTTs. Maybe the Great MOO doesn't even know
some of it. Though she could if she wanted to.
Middle secret means that one or two people are allowed to know
it. As in, the High Preest and the Grate Prophet, and maybe,
sometimes, the Elite Upper Councillors.
Not secret means it's not secret. So the stuff written above,
which CLAIMS to be Middle Secret, is actually Not Secret. It falls
in the five ten thousandths of one percent of all info about MOO
in that category. All information about MOOism falls onto that
chart. Honest. There's no more. Not a bit. Don't bother adding
up the numbers, because it comes out to 100%. Really. It does.
I'm not kidding here. It actually all adds up to a hundred per
cent. No more, no less. STOP THAT! Someone was about to add
them up!
In fact, the Church Of MOO uses many levels of security, some
of which should be evident from the sample of our Random-Letterhead
Generator, on the next page. DO NOT INGEST: OFFICAL MOOIST THING
Inhale Eris! Glaze "BOB"! Warship MOO! Go Forth And Multiply Yourself!
Concerning:
MOOist Disinformation ( )
Offical Memo ( )Inter-Cult Communique ( ) Mint Control ( ) MOOist Agonizations ( )Postal Holocaust ( ) Dogma/Catma/Potatoma ( ) Interim Government ( )SubGenius Material ( ) Discordian Material ( ) Delicate Material ( )
Security Rating:
Violet-Greenish ( )
MegaPueblo ( )Paleolithic ( ) EYES ONLY ( ) Flying Fish ( )SuperFrog ( ) Magick ( ) B/6 Alpha ( )Not Very Secure ( ) Omega Rena ( ) Burn Before Reading ( )Burrito 12 ( ) Salamander ( ) Vampire Potato ( )
POTATOMA OF SYNERGY
For St. Bucky Fuller
As Written By Floyd Gecko
Potatoma is like dogma, but more interesting, and less rigid,
and generally not very dogmatic. Actually, scratch that "like
dogma" business. It isn't. But it's just sort of true, okay?
LOOK! IT'S JUST TRUE! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, YOU'RE A HERETIC,
AND WE'LL BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!
Synergy. No, it's not a new-fangled kind of sin. Though that
would probably be more fun. Synergy is a systems concept. A
concept of whole systems as dBLATTTinct from the sum of their
parts.
COW. FNORD!
Synergy is the concept that a whole system, whether it's the
Universe as a whole, or a person, or just a digital watch (or even
a potato) is always more than the sum of its parts considered
separate from each other. There's a simple reason for this:
What this gobbledegook means, roughly, is that the Synergetic
information contained in an object is equal to the smallest
possible sum of subsets of the whole universe which contain it.
That is, the total non-redundant information contained in ALL the
subsets of that object (potato, human, digital watch, galaxy,
whatever). Reducing the object to a bunch of parts, and analyzing
each of those parts separately will miss all those subsets that lie
partly in one part and partly in another. Since this is virtually
ALL the subsets of any given system, if you chop the system up into
separate peices, and then try to put it back together with vague
statements about how they relate, you'll end up with less
information than you had before, and therefore an incomplete
system.
This means that our language, which uses words to separate one
concept from another, and science, which by definition takes the
bits apart and studies them by BREAKDOWN, usually fails to explain
or understand the world, unless a Synergetic worldview is imposed
over it.
The Synergetic worldview rejects this whole "mind/body"
dualBLATT, since there's no way to validate it, and everything we
know about neuropsychology says it's just deluded nonsense. Even
if they "are" two separate things, considering them separately
ignores 99% of the important information about a person.
Considering them as a Synergy, a unified whole, contains far more
information. Same too of the "Brain" and "Body" duality.
For instance, the Brain/Body duality can't explain why
hypnosis can make people incapable of pain, or why positive
thinking leads to a healthy body, because it can't MAKE CONNETIONS
between the "two" things. Hypnosis works by bringing your whole
system in phase with a certain regular input (see the Cybernetics
section) and making it more susceptible to high-level
reprogramming. This means then that your whole mind-body system is
realigned according to instructions given to you. You may "THINK"
you're just going along with it, and in a sense, you are. But your
body is "playing along" too. So you sometimes end up doing things
your mind would NEVER have been able to do on its own, or made to
do things without really knowing WHY. The connections between the
"mind" and the "brain" are stronger than we realize.
In fact, neurophysiology tells us that neuropeptides, a
chemical secreted by the brain cells in certain situations, can act
as a neurotransmitter ("brain goop") OR as a hormone ("body goop").
This wouldn't make sense in a non-Synergetic worldview, because the
Body and the Brain "are" different things.
(KLAXON BELLS! ALARM SIRENS!) WRONG!
They're just limited subsets of the whole Psychosoma Synergy
(P.S.) That's the principle that makes Faith Healing WORK. When
the electrochemical activity in the brain subset of the P.S. is
activated in a certain way, it triggers certain neurotransmitters,
including neuropeptides and endorphins. Those can ACT ON THE BODY
to make it heal up.
Speaking of healing up, Sharks are known to be almost
completely immune to the most deadly diseases known to humanity
(i.e. infected with Black Death one day, the virus vanishes from
their systems LITERALLY overnight). Also, sharks are almost
totally Cancer resBLATTTent. Tumors which DO appear vanish
quickly, and are almost never malignant to begin with...
Coincidence? Then there's the UFO problem. Synergetic
Worldviews can connect the most seemingly unrelated things to bring
a POSSIBLE (maybe wrong, but at least possible) answer to the
question "WHAT ARE THEY?".
A recently discovered phenomenon called "gravity waves" is
assumed to be a self-perpetuating (see the Cybernetics section)
plasma vortex that enters the atmosphere. Basically a tiny Aurora
Borealis. It forms a large flat surface which shows up on radar,
because it's ionized. This surface moves around in the atmosphere
and, like the Aurora, makes strange noises in the sky. Their
motions would be impossible for solid objects.
The human spinal column can act as an antenna, receiving
strange and confusing inputs from magnetic phenomena, interfering
with the processing of the brain.
Synergetically, then, combining the two, in certain cases,
some people will be given more or less random reprogramming
impulses, making them hallucinate/dream things which SEEM
COMPLETELY REAL, in areas where strange moving lights appear in the
sky which show up on radar and appear to defy the laws of physics.
The patterns of susceptibility for people tend to be those under a
lot of stress, who go into realBLATTTic-dreaming mode near
UFOs... DOCTRINE OF THE CYBORGANIC CHURCH
Cyborg: CYBernetic ORGanBLATT. An organBLATT based on
cybernetic principles, or an amalgam of an organBLATT and
cybernetic systems.
Cybernetic: Relating to cybernetics, the study of feedback,
information transfer, control systems, and other functions related
to the precise purposeful functioning of a dynamic system. Any
functions relating to governing the behaviour of a system towards
a goal.
OrganBLATT: An organized system composed of dependent and
independent parts, which combine to create a whole system through
dynamic interaction.
From these definitions, it's easy for many to see that the
term "cyborg" is redundant. Cybernetic systems are all
organBLATTs, and organBLATTs are all cybernetic systems, because
the two things are exactly the same.
On the other hand, almost anything can be viewed through this
filter, and the results are frequently enlightening. For instance,
any organized religion can be viewed as a cyborg. The base
cybernetic control patterns are laid down by whatever book or oral
tradition contains the beliefs of the system, and negative
reinforcement feedback systems are set up to prevent deviation.
Ilya Prigogine's work in local negative entropy tells us that
although entire closed systems tend to move towards maximum
entropy, there tends to be a clumping of negative entropy in
certain areas. This means, when applied to the cybernetic
organBLATT view of a religion, that cybernetic control systems will
probably emerge by themselves after the organBLATT's programming
has been spread to enough brains. Treating the brains as
individual "cluster units", we find that there is a tendency for
individuals with the same programming to cluster together and
establish a cybernetic feedback mechanism to control the changes in
the individuals, to prevent them from separating from the cluster.
This fits very well with what we know of sociology, and merely
offers an explanation of the root cause WHY this occurs, without
detailing the mechanics of the situation. It also suggests that
however "decentralized" a religion might wish to be, the only way
to avoid the spontaneous generation and Darwinian evolution of a
heirarchical clergy system is to establish a meta-cybernetic system
in order to provide negative feedback on all clergy forming
patterns.
Any of the GNU "iconoclast" religions, in order to spread
their memetic systems to as many minds as possible, without the
benefits of age and established seniority enjoyed by other, older
religions, must first establish a central meta-cybernetic system,
in their memetic organBLATT-program, and then disseminate it as
widely as possible. They should permit clustering activity to
occur briefly, with temporary rapid-scale cybernetic control
systems forming according either to a preset seed or a random
vector. This permits the enforcement of their basic program into
the organBLATT's components, the humans involved. However, the
program should, at least in part, generate a dissociative impulse
as part of the meta-cybernetic control system, perhaps by
imprinting dominance patterns on the members, instead of the
traditional sumbissiveness patterns. Whatever the mechanism, the
people then gather their own clusters from the people around them,
beginning the cycle again. This ensures the rapid spread of the
meme system, after which positive feedback systems can be restored.
This pattern indicates why GNU religions tend to be individualistic
and antiauthoritarian, while older religions tend to be more
dogmatic and authority-based. The few exceptions to this rule,
such as Zen Buddhism, may or may not be representative of the next
class of religion.
This next class of religion is a multi-level meta-cybernetic
organBLATT. That is to say, it continually reprograms itself to
prevent the final and absolute imposition of any coherent
cybernetic structures at all. One negative feedback mechanism,
which is initially used to disperse the inherent clustering effect,
and might otherwise expand to become a positive feedback system in
GNU external circumstances (for it must be remembered that these
negative-entropy clusters can only occur, by definition, when ther
ARE external circumstances to change the effect of a given policy)
can be replaced by a new, higher-order effect. The Strange-Loop
nature of this system is clear, since there must always be some
form of cybernetic control, or the dissociative pattern will be
completely disruptive of the memetic structure. In short, there
must be a meta-level self-cybernetic control system which recycles
in many forms, completely destroying itself cyclically, changing
the pattern of the religion continuously. This will result in
seemingly random clustering and dissipation activities.
This form of behaviour, all hopefully caused by the root
program, is extremely insidious if programmed for indefinite
expansion. Since the metacybernetic controls do not require any
FIXED base-level feedback systems, the primary pattern can
reference ANY meme-system as its organBLATT's controls, causing
associative patterns within the individuals, and triggering the
metacybernetic program within the organBLATT's function whenever
the base-level cybernetic routines are invoked. This is the result
of the cybernetic-organBLATT paradigm, the neural-net nature of the
processors in which such programs run best, and the macromemetic
paradigm of religious thought. The end result is a religion which
"absorbs" other religions, and other forms of thought, guaranteeing
that its undefined level functions will be invoked as an auxiliary
to almost any processing of the units. This makes the religion act
as a large and highly invasive informational virus, spread rapidly,
and yet have no evident direct effect, due to the lack of base-
programming, unless such base-programming is included as "hook"
material, to establish the metalevel cybernetics.
But the Cyborganic model is hardly limited to religions. A
human can be seen as a Cyborg. We are basically a Synergetic
dynamic system (see the Synergy section) which, by Prigogine's
princples, and by the tendency of dynamic nonlinear systems to fall
into Strange Attractors, end up forming into almost stable systems.
These systems can be regularized by any periodic input, just
like any nonlinear system, but since there are cybernetic control
stabilizing systems in place on lower levels and many higher
levels, the periodicity takes effect primarily on medium-level
functions such as metabolic rhythms, neurocephalic electrochemical
processes, and those processes responsible for health.
When subjected to inputs which are too stable, the dynamic
nature of the system is undermined, and it collapses to greater and
greater periodicity, known as habits, senility, and, in the final
period-one attractor, death. In this stage, however, the self-
cohesive nature of the system is disrupted, and the mind and body
disassociate. Therefore, the symptoms of all three stages include
lack of coherent thought, lack of original creation, and lack of
unforseen actions. These symptoms are most pronounced in the third
and final stage, death.
Fortunately, however, small periodicity-inducing inputs keep
the system from spontaneously dissociating or from losing
coherency. By regularizing the dynamic balance, reorganizing
systems, and performing homeostatic maintenance routines, the body
can be made more fit for activity. The period in which this
particular form of simultaneous dual feedback takes place is
frequently known as "sleep", and, in the correct balance, it
prolongs the life. In incorrect balance, too much or too little,
it shortens the projected stability interval of the attractor which
"is" the human. This same effect, as well as many other "useful"
by-products, can be accomplished by a regularizing input, such as
music, pink noise, massage, or mild and comfortable sensory
deprivation.
Similar forms of regularizing inputs, used more strategically,
can be observed in hypnosis. The metabolic and cognitive processes
are brought into a stable vector, which is then maintained by
slightly altered feedback and control systems. In this state,
inputs are more easily accepted, to affect the human system vector
(see Synergy section).
As we can see, the Cyborganic model of reality, combined with
a Synergetic approach, provides a highly effective modelling system
for the world, and illuminates otherwise incomprehensible areas of
cognition.
But it still won't get you a taxi in GNU York.
CONFUSE-ING INTER-RAPTURE #13013
HAIL ZELDA!
SET THE RIGATONI FREE!
GRUNGY SOCKS! MULTIVERSE TWO: THE SEQUEL
THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL...
The Multiverse is a framework in which to put our ideas about
the universe, and not really an ordinary idea about the universe.
If you've been left in suspense, or suspenders, or just ordinary
pense or pence about what this framework is, or didn't understand
before, this is your chance to get it...
IT'S BACK! AND IT MEANS BUSINESS!
To get what I mean about a framework, imagine those funny
trellis-things they use to grow vines on; not terribly wonderful on
their own, they still let the nice pretty vines grow. Or, if
you're a pooter-person, think of it as the BIOS of ideas, not
really a concept (program, data, text, graphics, whatever) on its
own, it gives a setting in which those are useful.
The Multiverse, however, is a VERY tangled heirarchy. It
contains itself, and many versions of itself, just as if it were an
ordinary idea about the universe. Because, in a sense, it is.
Here's a beginning of explaining, in more detail, how it
works. Even though it uses certain theories of how the universe
works, which are the best available to me right now, still
understand that it could be applied to ANY laws of physics, or even
a total lack of physics, given a little imagination. That's the
whole point.
First, think of graphs. Them annoying things we all learn in
"Hi, School!"... You have two axes (usually), and certain points
are marked "on". Each point represents a certain possible input-
output of an equation, given two variables. Each point is a
possible (X,Y) co-ordinate. Some are just marked on for certain
equations, but others are just as valid, as point are concerned.
Suppose your formula is something like Y=3X, which graphs as
a straight line. Then you get points turned on for (3,1), for
(4.5,1.5), and so on and so forth, because you have an axis for X
and an axis for Y. If you make that Y=ZX, and add an axis for Z,
you get a 3-D surface of a tilting plane. For more complicated
formulae, like y=AX3+BX2+CX+D, or what-have-you, you get axes for
X, Y, A, B, C, and D... A Six-dimensional graph describes every
possible solution for that equation.
The Multiverse is a space like the space these graphs are
graphed in, but infinitely more complex.
Suppose we take some version of, for instance, the Superstring
model (probably far out of date by the time this book reaches you,
but that's as may be, since it makes no difference), in which all
of physics is described by the vibration of certain patterns of
waves in a ten-dimensional space, where all but four (space and
time) are folded up very small (like part of a tube, where one
dimension is a little circle)... There's only one thing, this
spacial substance (dimension) which looks like time, space, matter
(when vibrating in nodes), energy (when vibrating freely), and
consciousness (when organized in self-modifying ways). The state
of the universe consBLATTTs of the state of all the various
waveforms that are going on. And each of these can be described by
an equation or mathematical representation.
Bear in mind that while this is true of the Superstring model,
it's also true of every other model of the universe PHYSICS has
produced, and, with a little imagination, to every other idea of
how the universe works. I leave these up to you if you want to
figure out how to do it, with the hint that an axis or dimension
doesn't have to represent a mathematical quantity.
Anyway, the various equations combine together to form one
long expression, in numbers and symbols, for the current state of
the universe. It's possible that this expression is infinite, but
that's not fundamentally a problem, since you can always define
some way of finding it.
Imagine a space, like the graphs I was talking about, in which
each axis is defined by one of these waveforms, and so each point
in this many-many-many-dimensional (or indeed infinite-dimensional)
defines a universe. All those points are equally real and valid,
so all universes are equally real in some sense.
You can extend this concept, with a little bit of jiggery-
pokery, to include the past hBLATTTory of the universe, the future
hBLATTTory, if you feel so inclined, or many other things.
Of course, if you make the past-hBLATTTory just descriptive of
every instant in time, then you end up with lots of universes which
follow no logic at all, just shifting from one random pattern to
the next every instant, but you also end up with infinitely many
universes which DO have a logic, a law of physics. Just that it's
totally different in every one of them.
Many of these universes will have different numbers of
waveforms, if you try to describe EVERY universe, which means
different points are in different numbers of dimensions, but this
is hardly a problem. There are lots of simple formulae in ordinary
graphs with variable numbers of dimensions. For instance, the
formula Y=X0.5 is in two dimensions everywhere, one of which is
always the same, but when X<0, the second dimension goes in one
directions, and when X>0, it goes perpendicular to that. The
formula Y=XX is in two dimensions when X>0, but in THREE when X<0.
In each case, the graph becomes more intelligible by increasing the
number of dimensions: to three in the first case, and to four in
the second. In any event, with an extremely infinite number of
dimensions (for not all infinities are the same) all these
universes become handleable.
Imagine that this graph-space, the infinite-dimensional place
you're putting all these points, is a universe itself. Its state
is the way you associate the points with littler universes. All
the infinitely different ways of doing this can be laid out in a
similar space, and so on, and so forth, infinitely. At the top is
the Multiverse.
Honest.
But in fact, the Multiverse is then just an idea about the
universe. But I said it contains itself, and other versions.
Suppose your idea of the multiverse is that there's this giant
Hot-Dog, the Multiverse, and inside it, all the many possible
universes are actually essential nutrients to a Giant Horny-Toad.
Well, that ought to be contained in the Multiverse also. So it
contains infinitely many alternate versions of itself, and vice-
versa. This is where it gets REALLY tricky to visualize, so
ususally I don't bother trying.
Anyway, what's all this crap about SOULS being in the
Multiverse?
Well, remember, we began with the concept of a GRAPH space.
Souls are the formulae you graph in it. Of course, other alternate
versions of the multiverse have other interpretations of the
graphs, or other meanings for "SOULS", but that's beside the point.
The graph is hard to express in terms of ordinary mathematics,
so I won't bother. Basically the points get turned on in every
universe in which a certain pattern exBLATTTs. Just like in an
ordinary graph, the points get turned on if the equation is true
when you put in the numbers those points represent. What this
means is, any universe in which, say, your mind exBLATTTs,
including all your thoughts, feelings, personality, and current
perceptions, is a universe which gets turned "on" (oooh, this is so
BINARY I could almost puke! Base 23 all the way, dude!)
This means that your "soul" is, in a certain sense (in some
version of the Multiverse in which this particular oversimplified
version happens to be true) the sum-total of all the universes in
which your mind and what you're currently seeing, hearing, etc.
exBLATTTs. The graph looks like an infinitely complex, infinite-
dimensional fractal pattern (like those nifty Mandelbrot pictures
you see everywhere):
Like the Mandelbrot set picture-thing, your soul is infinitely
complex around the edges, and has certain regions which are
entirely filled in. The difference is, it changes character
ENTIRELY when moving from spot to spot thoughout the multiverse,
while the Mandelbrot changes only in detail, looking basically the
same all over.
The reason for this is that the Mandelbrot is a top-down sort
of thing. We define it by simple math. The Multiverse is built
from the bottom up. It cannot, by definition, be built from the
top down, because it contains itself in infinite recursion. It has
a bottom to work up from, but no top.
Anyway, your soul "is" all connected together, though infinte
dimensions and infinitely many universes. The personality "is"
made up of cybernetic systems (feedback, control, information
transfer), and everything else is the senses. Our souls exBLATTT
in every universe which is consBLATTTent with what we're
experiencing right here, right now. Some of these have NO laws of
physics, but by "sheer random chance", or rather the fact that SOME
of them have to, produce that pattern, with those memories, those
perceptions. This is basically the same as saying that you can
NEVER know for sure whether the "real" world "IS" real, or just
seems that way. "You are" partially in the "real" world, partially
in a pure hallucination. If you can't tell the difference, there
is none. Because of the continuity both of the space of the
multiverse, and your soul, EVERY branch of your soul contains SOME
of these little pockets of uncertainty. That's just life.
COW
There "is" a certain fuzzy area around your soul which
indicates souls similar enough to yours to be considered the same,
but this blurs out eventually into other people's souls. By sheer
continuity, through the Multiverse, we can see that not only is the
sum of all minds One (the Multiverse itself), but that it's the
same as the sum of all Universes (hence, Mind Is Reality).
As your perceptions change, your soul moves through various
universes which might explain what you sense and feel. But since
Time is also a dimension, this change is just expressed as a more
complex pattern, fixed and static. It branches sometimes, when you
try to find out things, and different universes give different
answers to the same question, making a different soul, a different
mind. Enough of this process, and you become a different person.
Imagine what a different person you'd be today if, when you went
outside to check out the weather at the age of five, you found that
gravity suddenly only worked INSIDE HOUSES.
It's a possible set of perceptions, and therefore a real point
in the Multiverse.
And yet, it's part of your soul.
Every person is a branch of some soul which overlaps
completely with some branch of YOURS somewhere, and so, by
continuity, we can say that all souls are really the same, and that
it's only pure accident (or rather, the fact that EVERYTHING is
true, somewhere) that makes you who you are, rather than me.
Because we're really all the same person.
Remember that, next time you go to crush a bug. It's just
YOU, if you'd been born a bug.
CONFUSE-ING INTER-RAPTURE #X.Y
MOO
OMM
THE BOOKS OF HISTORY
Secret HBLATTTory Of MOO
By Preest Lloyd Taco
In the dark and secret past of the Holy Church there lay many
strange and mysterious events and incarnations of our church which
would baffle hBLATTTorians today. Our religion has remained
underground for the most part, mysterious and unknown to
hBLATTTory, except for its strange effects on other religions. As
I shall show, our rituals, our annoying mind drugs, our ideas, have
surfaced in many disguises, in the forms given them by those who
knew us, but wouldn't admit it openly.
It was only recently that our Church has been able to appear
in anything resembling the public. The Great Saint Yari, so named
for Yari the First, a MOOist scholar of ancient times, appeared in
the Psycho-Shoppe for the first time some time in 1990, bringing
with him a strange and confused religion to plant in the minds of
the GNU Apostles of MOO, for such was the task bestowed upon him by
his mentor, also named Yari. For many years, the faith was handed
down through chains of mentor and student, each chain bearing the
sacred name of one of the ancient saints.
The Chain Yari is the foundation of the GNU and rising House
Of MOO, for it was Yari who grasped the truth. In the Gospel
According To Yari, the truth is revealed, and the difference
between his chain and the other chains is shown. The ancient
Apostles of old handed down their ideas to many Houses, and they
branched greatly, but the only House which preserved the old
knowledge was the House of Yari, the House of the Rising MOO.
Confuse-Ius Sez:
"For all moderately secure MOOist communications, send mail
Post-Haste. For secure communications, send them Post-Modernist.
For truly rapid and effective communication, for those top-priority
assignments, send your information Post-Holocaust."
-Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 13
Indeed were there many Apostles of MOO in the old days, all
following their revelations and the revelations of the First
Prophet, known to all as Peng-Peng. And Peng-Peng delivered to
them the truth, because he could speak with both the Great MOO and
the Primordial Penguin, and so was very wise in the ways of MOO, if
a little bitchy at times, and a little irritable in the mornings
before he had his hot mud, for Peng-Peng had strange tastes in
food.
At any rate, the Apostles were many in number, but the most
important of them were Peng-Peng himself, Saint Yari, St. John The
Divine, The Illustrious Zoombart The Fifth, Apostle Zarathud, the
Miraculous One, V the Obscure, Cain The Pyro, Siddartha Gautama,
David The Dravid, Lao Tzu The Serene, and Mohammed BungmeBLATTTer.
But of course there were many many more.
And each of them descended a House of Truth, or so he
thought. For Peng-Peng had brought from whence unknown the
knowledge of MOO as complete as if it had been seen in advance, and
he made great prophecies of what was to come, and he has indeed
been proved correct. For he predicted all the Houses of his
Apostles, who were the Apostles of MOO, and what would come of
them. There follow some summaries of his prophesies up the the
present day, for strangely, they were written in code, and could
only be translated as fast as the events happened, for which nobody
has yet produced a satisfactory explanation.
Another thing for which nobody has produced an explanation
is the fact that while many of Yari's prophecies remain
undecyphered, it is clear from the lengths that none of them extend
much past the late twenty-first or early twenty-second century. He
gives the hBLATTTories of each of 17 Houses of Apostles, each
hBLATTTory being of 16 pages. These are therefore condensed
versions of what has been translated up to now.
The manuscript itself is some 232 pages long, each illustrated
with Peng-Peng's usual alacrity. The final 40 pages or so, with
the illustrations in the margin as usual, have no words.
Peng-Peng's complete incomprehensability still baffles us today, as
we don't know why he did this, or what, if anything, the
illustrations of obscure things such as dBLATTTant galaxies,
scantily-clad bathing women, or large amounts of plumbing have to
do with the text.
Without further ado, here |