MAN'S VOICE The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, ther

Go to Human Rights activist Keith Henson

Skeptic Tank!

MAN'S VOICE The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red zone. LADY'S VOICE The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red zone. ZEALOT 1 Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you care to make a donation? ELAINE No, thank you anyway. MAN'S VOICE The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white zone. LADY'S VOICE NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading and there is no stopping in the red zone. MAN'S VOICE The red zone has always been for loading and unloading there is never stopping in a white zone. LADY'S VOICE Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone is for loading. MAN'S VOICE Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again! ZEALOT 2 Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you like to make a donation? SOME GUY No thanks, we gave at the office. AT SECURITY GATE: SECURITY GUARD Would you put all of your metal objects into this dish please (Man first removes all of his jewelry, etc. then his prosthetic arm and leg) MAN'S VOICE There's just no stopping in a white zone. LADY'S VOICE Oh really, Vernon, why pretend, we both know perfectly well what it is you're talking about. You want me to have an abortion. MAN'S VOICE Its really the only sensible thing to do. If its done properly, therapeutically, there's no danger involved. SOME GUY Taxi! STRIKER I'll be back in a minute. (sets cab's meter running) ZEALOT 3 Hello sir, we'd like you to have this flower on behalf of the church of Religious consciousness, would you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr... WORKER 1 Hey, Larry, where's the forklift? (To worker#2 who is busy guiding a plane into a hanger) WORKER 2 Forklift? Its over there by the baggage loader. (Gestures the direction of baggage loader with guide sticks causing the plane to go that direction and to come crashing into the terminal) PEOPLE (In terminal) LOOK OUT!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! (pandemonium). STRIKER Elaine!!!!! ELAINE Ted! STRIKER I came home early and found your note. I guess you meant for me to read it later. Elaine, I've got to talk to you. ELAINE I just don't want to go over it anymore. STRIKER I know things haven't been right for a long time, but... It'll be different. Like it was in the beginning. If you'll just be patient I can work things out. ELAINE I have been patient and I tried to help, but you wouldn't even let me do that. STRIKER Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore? ELAINE It takes so many things to make love last. But, most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with the man I don't respect. STRIKER (To camera) What a PISSER! PA VOICE Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oever, white courtesy phone. OEVER PICKS UP A RED PHONE. OPERATOR NO! THE WHITE PHONE. OEVER Oh! (picks up white phone) This is Captain Oever! OPERATOR One moment for your call from the Mayo Clinic. PA VOICE Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oever, white courtesy phone. OEVER I'VE GOT IT! PA VOICE Thank you. OPERATOR Go ahead with your call. MAYO CLINIC DOCTOR Uh, this is Doctor Brody at the Mayo Clinic. There's a passenger on your Chicago flight 209er, a little girl named Lisa Davis, en route to Minneapolis. She's scheduled for a heart transplant, we'd like you to tell her mother we found a donor an hour ago. We have the heart here, ready for surgery. . . We must have the recipient on the operating table within 6 hours. I want you to make sure she's kept in a reclined position and that a continuous watch is kept on her IV. Also, its very important that she remain calm. . . OPERATOR EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm. OEVER All right, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo. STRIKER Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow night, we'll... have dinner. We'll talk things over. ELAINE I won't be back, I've requested the Atlanta run. STRIKER Elaine, I promise, I can change. ELAINE Then why didn't you take the job that Louis Neds offered you at Boeing? STRIKER You know I haven't been able to get near a plane since since the war. Even if I could, they wouldn't hire me because of my war record. ELAINE You're war record ??? You're the only one keeping that alive, for everyone else, its ancient history. STRIKER You expect me to believe that? ELAINE Its the truth. What's hurt you the most is your record since the war. Different cities, different jobs and not one of them shows you can accept any real responsibility. STRIKER Elaine, if you just give me one more . . . ELAINE Its too late, Ted. When I get back to Chicago, I'm going to start my life all over again. I'm sorry. ZEALOT 4 Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower from the Church of Religious Conscious. . .PUNCH . . . EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATTENDENT Hi! Well, good evening. Oh, there you go. You just follow all the way back. Hello. VICTOR Any word on that storm lifting over Salt Lake, Clarence? OEVER No not likely, Victor. I just reviewed the area report for 1600 hours through 2400. VICTOR Uh, huh ... OEVER There's a front stalled over the Dakotas, backed all the way to Utah. VICTOR Yeah, well, if she decides to push over to the Great Lakes, it could get plenty slippery. OEVER Uh, huh. VICTOR What about the southern route, around Tulsa? OEVER I double checked the terminal forecast and winds aloft and I had cloudy ceilings all the way. VICTOR Where do they top out? OEVER Well . . . there's some light scattered cover to 20,000 icing around 15. . . WORKER 3 Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. (falling off ladder from washing plane's windows) VICTOR Boy looks like the original plan ought to be the best bet. OEVER Denver it is. MURDOCK Sorry Clarence. Latest weather report shows everything is sopped in from Salt Lake to Lincoln. OEVER Oh, Hi Roger! Glad to have you aboard! Victor, this is Roger Murdock, Victor Basta. VICTOR How do you do Roger? MURDOCK Nice to meet you! OEVER Roger, I was telling Victor that I reviewed the area report for 1600 hours through 2400 there's a front stalled over the Dakotas. . . TICKETER There you go, thank you. STRIKER Can you tell me if Elaine Dickenson is on this flight? TICKETER Well, the whole flight crew has boarded. Let me see. Oh yes, she is on board. STRIKER I'd like one ticket to Chicago. No baggage. (Guy still waits in Taxi for Striker) TICKETER Smoking or non-smoking. STRIKER Smoking, please. TICKETER (Hands Ted a ticket which is literally smoking)There. Have a nice trip. FLASHBACK: STRIKER. VOICE Striker, this is red leader 4. Primary target covered by fog. Decision to proceed is yours. decision to proceed IS YOURS. IS YOUUUURRRRS.. YOUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS. JIVE MAN 1 Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head! SUBTITLE GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I WILL PUNCH HIM. JIVE MAN 2 Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap upon you man! SUBTITLE YES, HE IS WRONG FOR DOING THAT. JIVE MAN 1 I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get the same ol' same ol. SUBTITLE I KNEW A MAN IN A SIMILAR PREDICAMENT, AND HE ENDED UP BEING SORRY. JIVE MAN 2 Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'. SUBTITLE DON'T BE NAIVE ARTHUR. EACH OF US FACES A CLEAR MORAL CHOICE. JIVE MAN 1 You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em. SUBTITLE EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE, MAKES A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND WISE. TOGETHER Col' got to be! Yo! SUBTITLE HOW TRUE! TOGETHER Sheeeeeeet! SUBTITLE GOLLY. SIGN ON PLANE LIGHTS UP +-----------------------------+ | NO SMOKING | | El NO A YOU SMOKO | | | | FASTEN SEATBELTS | | PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ | +-----------------------------+ OLD LADY Nervous? STRIKER Yes. OLD LADY First time? STRIKER No, I've been nervous lots of times. ELAINE Hi, we'll be taking off real soon. So, I'd better fasten you in tight. DYING GIRL Thank you. Oh, mother this is so exciting. MOTHER I know, but you must get some rest. ELAINE That's good advice. You relax and I'll be back right after we take off. LOVELORN God Bill. I am going to miss you so much. LEAVING Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Promise you'll write?? LOVELORN SIGH . . . Every day. Bill... CONDUCTOR Better get on board son. All aboard!!!!! OEVER 209er to ground control. We're loaded and ready to taxi. LOVELORN Goodbye Bill! LEAVING Goodbye darling. I love you darling. TOWER 2-0-9er, taxi to runway 1-9er. LEAVING Goodbye darling. LOVELORN Have your picture taken the minute you get there. And send me one, all right? LEAVING Okay, here, hurry. (he throws her his watch as she runs along the side of the taxiing plane.) LOVELORN Oh, but your watch, but you shouldn't. You're gonna need this! LEAVING Its all right. It doesn't work. LOVELORN Bill! LEAVING Goodbye darling. LOVELORN Bill! (Knocks over light tower while running) Bill! Bill! I'll keep it with me all the time, I swear to you. LEAVING I know darling, take care of yourself, goodbye. TOWER Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for take off. OEVER Roger! MURDOCK Huh? TOWER L.A. departure frequency 1-2-3 point 9er. OEVER Roger! MURDOCK Huh? Re-quest Vector, over! OEVER What? TOWER 2-0-9er clear for vector 2-3-4. MURDOCK We have clearance Clarence. OEVER Roger, Roger. What's our Vector Victor? TOWER Tower's radio clearance, over! OEVER That's Clarence Oever! Oever. TOWER Roger. MURDOCK Huh? TOWER Roger, over. MURDOCK Huh? OEVER Huh? ATTENDENT DO you feel all right sir? STRIKER Oh, I haven't flown for a long time. OEVER Good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Captain Oever speaking. Well, be cruising at 36,000 feet this evening. Our arrival time in Chicago will be 10:45 pm central time. The temperature there is currently 62 degrees with a 20% chance of precipitation. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight. ELAINE Would you like something to read? OLD LADY Do you have anything light? ELAINE Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how about this leaflet, famous Jewish sports legends? OLD LADY Yes, thank you. ELAINE Teeeeeeeeeeeed!?! What are you doing here? STRIKER Elaine, I've got to talk to you! ELAINE Y-Y-Yo-You shouldn't have come, I don't have time now! OLD LADY Stewardess . . . ELAINE Excuse me! OLD LADY No wonder you're upset! She's lovely! And a darling figure. Supple pouting breasts. . . firm thighs . . . its a shame you two don't get along. STRIKER Yes, I know, things used to be different. I remember when we first met. It was during the war. (Flashback) I was in the Air Force stationed in Drambui, off the Barbary coast. I used to hang out at the Magumba bar. It was a rough place, the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cut-throat from Bombay to Calcutta. I'ts worse than Detroit. The mood in the place was downright ugly. You wouldn't walk in there unless you knew how to use your fists. You could count on a fight breaking out almost every night. (fight between two women breaks out. Chairs are crashed . . .) (Saturday Night Fever music starts to play when juke box is clobbered. I didn't go there that night to fall in love; I just dropped in for a couple of drinks. But, suddenly there she was. I was captivated, entranced. It hit me like a thunderbolt. I had to ask the guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I was afraid to approach her, but that night, fate was on my side. (The man Elaine is dancing with gets a knife in his back. He tries to ascertain help from Elaine by pointing with both hands at his back, but Elaine thinks that this is a new dance move and mimics him. He collapses and dies. Striker begins to dance disco style with Elaine, soon a crowd gathers to watch. Both Ted and Elaine dance in humanly impossible ways. The crowd cheers. Next the bar is empty, and its the end of the night. Ted and Elaine are still there with the 2 fighting women. (end flashback) We laughed, we talked, we danced I never wanted it to end. I guess I still don't. But, enough about me, I hope this hasn't been boring for you. It's just that whenever I talk about Elaine, I get so carried away, I loose all track of time. (Oldlady has hung herself) ELAINE Would you like to order dinner now? FATHER Yes, Joey will have the steak and my wife and I will have the fish. JOEY When can I see the cockpit, Dad? FATHER Joey, I think the pilots are probably too busy flying the plane for that. JOEY Awww, geee whiz!!!!!!!!!! ELAINE I'll tell you what Joey, I'll talk to the Captain, and see what I can arrange. JOEY Gee, that'd be swell! ELAINE Would you gentleman care to order your dinners? JIVE MAN 1 Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th' java. SUBTITLE I WOULD LIKE THE STEAK PLEASE. JIVE MAN 2 Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some draggin' fruit garden. SUBTITLE I'LL HAVE THE FISH. SMALL BOY Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you might like some coffee. SMALL GIRL Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you. Oh, won't you sit down? SMALL BOY Oh thank you. Cream? SMALL GIRL No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men. STRIKER Well, you see . . . (to a different passenger -- new flashback, reminiscent of the Blue Lagoon.) ELAINE Oh TED! I never knew I could be so happy. These few months have been just wonderful. Tomorrow, why don't we drive up the coast to that little seafood place and . . . what's the matter??? STRIKER My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow, we're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 18:00 hours. We're coming in from the orth, below their radar. ELAINE When will you be back? STRIKER I can't tell you that? It's classified. ELAINE Ted, please be careful. I worry about you so much. STRIKER I love you Elaine. Elaine: I love you! (Return from flashback, the passenger stabs himself to death) DENVER Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control. You are approaching some rough weather. Please climb to 42,000 feet. OEVER Roger, Denver. ELAINE We have a visitor. . . OEVER Hello. MURDOCK Hi! ELAINE This is Captain Oever, Mr. Murdock and Mr. Basta. This is Joey Hammond. . . OEVER Well, hi Joey. MURDOCK Come on up here, you can see better. OEVER We have something here for our special visitors (takes out a model airplane for Joey), would you like to have it? JOEY Thank youuuuuuu! Thanks a lot! OEVER Sure. You ever been in a cockpit before? JOEY No sir, I've never been up in a plane before. OEVER You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ? MURDOCK Do you want me to check the weather Clarence? OEVER No, why don't you take care of it. Joey, did ya ever hang around a gymnasium? ELAINE We'd better get back now Joey! OEVER Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd like. JOEY Could I? ELAINE Okay, if you don't get in the way. MURDOCK Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise at 42,000. Will report again over Lincoln. Over and out. JOEY Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers. MURDOCK I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot. JOEY You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets. MURDOCK I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence? OEVER Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here. MURDOCK But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot. JOEY I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try . . . except during the playoffs. MURDOCK The hell I don't!! (grabs Joey by collar) LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Denier up and down the court for 48 minutes. OEVER Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? STRIKER Elaine, just hear me out. I know things haven't been right for a long time, but it'll be different. like it was in the beginning, remember? ELAINE I remember everything. All I have are memories. Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together. I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used to sit on your face and wiggle and...afterwards how we'd watch 'til the sun came up. When it did, it was almost like . . . like . . . each new day was made only for us. STRIKER That's the way I've always wanted it to be Elaine. ELAINE But it won't be . . . not as long as you insist on living in the past. (Striker flashes back --) VOICE You're too low Ted . . . YOU'RE TOO LOW! (Now in military mental hospital. Random mental hospital conversation has been skipped. Striker is painting a picture of a guy in the middle of an explosion) DOCTOR Okay Robert, slip em down, this won't hurt much . . ELAINE You got a telegram from headquarters today. STRIKER HEADQUARTERS?!? What is it? ELAINE Well, its a big building where generals meet. But that's not important right now. They've cleared you of any blame for what happened in that raid. Isn't that good news? STRIKER Is it? Because of my mistake 6 men didn't return from that raid. ELAINE 7, Lieutenant Zip died this morning. . . (Striker spits out drink)The Doctor says you'll be out in a week, isn't that wonderful? STRIKER Wish I could say the same for George Zip. ELAINE Be patient Ted, nobody expects you to get over this immediately. SUBJECT Hey Striker, How bout a break, I'm getting tired. STRIKER Yeah, all right. Take 5. (We see that the subject has been standing in a contorted stance with an explosion backdrop exactly mimicking the painting Striker has been working on) ELAINE I have found a wonderful apartment for us. It has a brick fireplace and a cute little bedroom with mirrors on the ceiling and . . . JELEEN Red leader, Red Leader . . . I'm goin' down (makes gunner noises) STRIKER Captain Jeleen. He thinks he's a pilot still fighting the war. JELEEN I've found the tunnel Johnson!! It's this way. $25 for a cigarette is too much! HERWITZ Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ELAINE What's his problem? STRIKER Its Lt. Herwitz. Severe shell shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman. (We cut back to Herwitz, but he is now replaced with the real Ethel Merman) HERWITZ You'lllllll be swell... You'll be great... Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here. Startin' now. Honey, everything's coming up rosseehhhhhhhhsss. (He (she)faints) STRIKER War is hell. (Meanwhile back on the plane) ATTENDENT Would you like some coffee before we serve dinner? STRIKER No, no thank you. ATTENDENT Would either of you like another cup of coffee? MOTHER 2 I will, but Jim won't. FATHER I think I will have another cup of coffee. MOTHER 2 (To herself in an echo voice) Jim never has a second cup at home. ATTENDENT Excuse me sister . . . NUN Yeahhhs? ATTENDENT There's little girl on board up front who's ill and .. NUN Oh, yes. I saw, poor child. ATTENDENT Could I borrow your guitar . . . I think maybe I could cheer her up. NUN Of course. ATTENDENT Ohhhh.... thank you. (She drags guitar across the passengers heads) ATTENDENT Hi! MOTHER Hi! ATTENDENT Do you mind if I talk to your daughter? MOTHER No I think that'd be nice. ATTENDENT Hi, I'm Randy. DYING GIRL I'm Lisa . . . YOU HAVE A GUITAAAAR! ATTENDENT Uh, huh! I thought maybe you'd like to hear a song. DYING GIRL I'd love too! ATTENDENT Okay. Let's see, uh... this is one of my favorites! I've traveled the banks of the river of Jordan To find where it flows to the sea I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry And I saw that I was looking at meeeeeee. And I wanted to know if life had a purpose And what it all means in the end In the silence I listened to voices inside me And they told me again and again. There is only one river (Knocks IV out of Lisa's arm with guitar but doesn't notice) There is only one sea And it flows through you And it flows through me (Lisa is having conniptions about her IV as if about to die) There is only one people We are one in the same (The whole plane begins to clap along) We are all one spirit One naaaaaaaaaaaammmme. We are the father We are one. We are one. We are one. OEVER Little late tonight. We've been waiting for you. ELAINE Who wants to be first? MURDOCK Go ahead Clarence, I got 'er. ELAINE How's the weather? MURDOCK Not so good. We've got some heavy stuff ahead of us. It might get rough again unless we can climb on top. STRIKER (To a guy in a turban) Yeah, after the war, I just wanted to get as far away from things as possible. Elaine and I joined the Peace Corps. We were assigned to an isolated tribe: the Malumbos. (Flashback to African tribe). They'd never seen Americans before. STRIKER It was really a challenge during the year introducing them to our western culture. At first they didn't know what to think of us, but soon we gained their trust. ELAINE It will help you better prepare and store foods for the up and coming Monsoon months. Also, Supperware products are ideal for storing leftovers to help stretch your food dollar. This 2 quart Sealz-em Right container will keep hot dog buns fresh for days. STRIKER You must understand, these people had been completely isolated from civilization. No one had ever outlined a physical fitness program for them and they had no athletic equipment. I started them on simple calisthenics and slowly worked them up to rudimentary game skills. And finally, advanced competitive theory. I was patient with them and they were eager to learn. they seemed to enjoy themselves. It was probably due to the advanced American techniques that we were able to bridge the generations of isolation communicate so successfully with Mulambos. (The Mulambos start to play basketball like pros) I think they're finally getting the hang of it when we re-enlist, I'll teach them baseball. ELAINE Ted, I don't want to stay here, its time for us to go back home to the plans we made before the war. STRIKER A lot of people made plans before the war . . . like George Zip. It was at that moment that I first realized Elaine had doubts about our relationship. And that as much as anything else led to my drinking problem (He pours his drink on himself.) We did come back to the states, I tried a number of jobs . . . well, I could go on for hours, but I would probably start to bore you. (Guy in turban pulls out knife and points it to his heart) I really couldn't blame Elaine (Guy stabs himself and moans) she wanted a career. OLD LADY 2 Uhhhhhhhh...... I can't stand it. Ohhhhhhh. ELAINE Yes? OLD LADY 2 Oh... its my stomach. I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film. uhh. ELAINE I'll see if I can find some Dramamine. (Goes to cockpit) Captain, one of the woman passengers is very sick. OEVER Airsick? ELAINE I think so, but I've never seen it so acute. OEVER Find out if there's a doctor on board as quietly as you can. . . Joey . . . have you ever been in a, a Turkish prison? FATHER Ohhhhhhhhhh, I shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee. (he vomits) MOTHER 2 (In echo voice)Jim never vomits at home. ELAINE I'm sorry I had to wake you, I'm just looking for a doctor, there's nothing to worry about. WOMAN 3 Stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is a Doctor. ELAINE Sir, excuse me sir, I am sorry I have to wake you, sir, are you a doctor? RUMACK That's right. ELAINE We have some passengers that are very sick, could you come take a look at them? RUMACK Yes, of course. . . (To sick woman)Let me see your tongue. (eggs begin to come out of her mouth. Rumack cracks one and a bird flys out)I'll be back in a minute. (To Elaine) You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as possible, we've got to get them to the hospital. . . ELAINE A hospital . . what is it? RUMACK Its a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. Tell the captain I must speak to him. ELAINE Certainly. (Victor is getting sick) OEVER Victor, we're running into some heavy weather . . . can you (Victor passes out)Roger! Take OVER! RUMACK Captain, how soon can you land? OEVER I can't tell. RUMACK You can tell me, I'm a doctor. OEVER NO, I mean I'm just not sure. RUMACK Well, can't you take a guess? OEVER Well, not for another 2 hours. RUMACK You can't take a guess for another 2 hours? OEVER No, no, no. I mean we can't land for another 2 hours fog has closed down everything this side of the mountains. We've got to get through to Chicago. ??????? What is it doctor? RUMACK I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert. What was it we had for dinner tonight? ELAINE Well, we had a choice, steak or fish. RUMACK Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna. What did he have? ELAINE Fish . . . ATTENDENT Doctor, there are 2 more sick people and the rest of the passengers are worried. RUMACK I'll go take care of the passengers. Find out what the two sick people had for dinner. OEVER This is Captain Oever speaking, been a little bumpy up here, but we'll be past it in a couple minutes. A few points of interest we are now flying over Hoover dam and a little later on, we'll pass just to the south of the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight, okay? CHICAGO: THIS IS FLIGHT 2-0-9er. . . We're in trouble, we've got to have all traffic below us cleared. I want a priority approach and landing in Chicago. MOTHER 2 Stewardess, my husband is very sick can you do something please? ELAINE Well, the doctor will be with you in just a moment. One thing, do you know what he had for dinner? MOTHER 2 Yes, of course, we both had fish. Why? ELAINE Oh, its nothing to be alarmed about. We'll be back to you very quickly. ELAINE Dr. Rumack, Mr. Hammond ate fish, and Randy said there five more cases and they all had fish too. RUMACK And the Co-Pilot had fish, what did the navigator have? ELAINE He had fish. RUMACK All right, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this flight who had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next half hour (Oever notices he had fish and begins to come down with the symptoms as they are described) ELAINE Just how serious is it Doctor? RUMACK Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable grueling. At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence (Oever begins to fart) Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly. OEVER Au--to--ma-tic pi-lot. ELAINE (Searches for button)Automatic pilot, automatic pilot, there it is . . . (Otto begins to inflate) RUMACK I'll go back to the passengers. CHICAGO Come in 2-0-9er, this is Chicago. Flight 2-0-9er, come in. ELAINE This is Elaine Dickenson, I'm the stewardess, Captain Oever has passed out on the floor and the co-pilot and navigator too. We're in terrible trouble, over. MCCROSKY Roger, Elaine, Roger. I read you. This is Steve McCrosky at Chicago air control, Back to you in a minute (To Tower)Hold all takeoffs, I don't want another plane in the air. When the 508 reports, bring it straight in. Put out a general bulletin to suspend meal service on flights out of Los Angeles. Tell all dispatchers to remain at their posts, its gonna be long night. How 'bout some coffee, Johnny? JOHNNY NO THANKS! MCCROSKY I want the weather on every landing field this side of the line, no matter what the size. Do you understand? Anyplace, anyplace where there's a chance to land that plane. (To Siamese twins) Stan, go up stairs to the tower and get a runway diagram. Terry, check down the field for emergency equipment. AIRDUDE Chief we got fog right down to the deck, every place east of the Rockies. There's no possible place to land, they'll have to come through to Chicago. MCCROSKY Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. I want the best available man on this, a man who knows that plane inside and out and won't crack under pressure. JOHNNY How 'bout Mr. Rogers? MCCROSKY Get me REX KRAMER! Elaine, right next to the throttle is the air speed gauge. What speed does it indicate? ELAINE 520 miles per hour. MCCROSKY Good now, check your altitude. That's the dial just below and to the right of the air speed indicator. ELAINE 35,000 feet. NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT, its dropping. Its dropping fast, why's it doing that? Oh my god, the automatic pilot, it's deflating. MCCROSKY Don't panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot there's a tube, now that is the manual inflation nozzle. Take it out and blow on it. PASSENGER What the hell's going on up there? RUMACK Elaine? ELAINE Yes, Doctor. RUMACK Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face a few unpleasant facts? ELAINE NO. RUMACK All right, unless I get those people to a hospital quickly, I can't even be sure of saving their lives. Now, is there anyone on board who can land this plane? ELAINE Well, no, no one I know of. RUMACK I think you ought to know what are chances are. The life of everyone on board depends on one thing: finding someone on board who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner. ELAINE Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused this is due to periodic airpockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? (PANDEMONIUM ENSUES, EVERYONE RUNS EVERYWHERE . . .) (Back at Rex's house) PAUL Hello, I am Paul Puree from the airline, I'm here to pick up Captain Kramer. MRS. KRAMER Oh, yes come in Paul, Rex will be right out. DOG Ruff, Ruff (starts to grab Paul's leg) MRS. KRAMER Shep, sit. So, I understand you all have a real emergency down there. PAUL Yes, something like that, but as I said, they didn't have time to (tries to get dog off leg) tell me very much. Ahhhh. MRS. KRAMER Shep, no. I'll bet you have exciting things happen all the time down there. PAUL Well, the airline business does have its moments (still trying to get rid of dog) but after a while you get used to it. MRS. KRAMER Shep! Come. He gets so excited when new people are here. Are you a pilot yourself? PAUL NO, (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh)I am in a training program. . . KRAMER Its unbelievable, just unbelievable, you know how many times I've warned them about food inspection. MRS. KRAMER You'd think after all these years someone would listen to you (dog and Paul wrestling in background) KRAMER Airport management, the FAA and the airlines. They're all cheats and liars. All right, lets get outta here. ATTENDENT I'm sorry to bother you, I was just looking for someone with flying experience. STRIKER When they built those roads they had no thought of drainage in mind, so we had to take a special jeep up to the main road. In fact, we were lucky to even get a jeep since just the day before the only one we had broke down, had a bad axle. (The passenger next to him douses himself in gasoline and lights a match, then pauses while stewardess talks to Striker) ATTENDENT Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit . . . STRIKER The cockpit . . . what is it? ATTENDENT Its the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important now. You see the first officer is ill and the Captain need someone to help him with the radio. Do you know anything about planes? STRIKER Well, I flew in the war, but that was years ago, I wouldn't know anything about it. ATTENDENT Won't you go up, please? (Striker agrees, passenger next to him blows out match, but blows himself up accidentally anyway) STRIKER The stewardess said . . . BOTH PILOTS???????? RUMACK Can fly this plane? STRIKER Surely you can't be serious? RUMACK I am serious, and don't call me Shirley! ATTENDENT Doctor, I've checked everyone. Mr. Striker is the only one. RUMACK What flying experience have you had? STRIKER I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. Its an entirely different kind of flying, altogether. ALL TOGETHER Its a entirely different kind of flying. STRIKER Besides, I haven't touched any kind of plane in six years. RUMACK Mr. Striker, I know nothing about flying, but there's one thing I do know: You're the only one on this plane who can possibly fly it, you're the only chance we've got. MCCROSKY NO, that's right, that's what I said . . . tell them all to acknowledge and stand-by. Get me every piece of emergency equipment you can reach. Alert rescue units every mile of the way, from here to the Rockies. TOWER GUY Chief . . . MCCROSKY We'll need a pre-landing flight check, tell 'em I want it in the dispatch office and tell 'em I want it here fast. TOWER GUY Its your wife. MCCROSKY (To wife)I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog fed, the yard watered and the gate locked. And get a note to the milkman NO MORE CHEESE! CLICK! Where the hell's Kramer? KRAMER No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame out is too great, leave 'em at 24,000 . . . no, feet. One of the passengers is gonna land that plane. PAUL Is that possible? KRAMER Possible, its a 100-1 shot. (Car hits a cyclist) KRAMER I know this guy. PAUL You do? CYCLIST Asssss-hole! PAUL Who is it? KRAMER Name is Ted Striker, I flew with him during the war, it won't make my job any easier tonight. Ted Striker was a crack flight leader, up to a point. He was one of those men who, lets say, felt to much inside, maybe you know the kind. Went all to pieces on one particular mission, lets just hope that doesn't happen tonight. STRIKER Lets see. Altitude, 24,000 feet... level flight, speed 520 knots. Course, 0-9er-0, trim, mixture, wash, rinse, spin . . . ELAINE Ted, what are you doing here? You can't fly this plane! STRIKER That's what I've been trying to tell these people. RUMACK Elaine, I don't have time to say this gently so I'll be very direct everyone on this plane is in a desperate situation, Mr. Striker is the only hope we've got. STRIKER Those are the flaps, this is the thrust, this must turn on the landing lights (Plane starts to nose dive when that knob is turned) Mayday, mayday, mayday. MCCROSKY MAYDAY? What the hell does that mean? JOHNNY Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year. You know, we'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hor'doevres . . OLD LADY I can't stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here. I've gotta get outta here. ELAINE Calm down get ahold of yourself. GENTLEMAN Stewardess, please, let me handle this (grabs her and starts to shake her) GENTLEMAN 2 Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of this. CALM DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF ! NUN Mister, your wanted on the phone . . . Everything's going to be all right < SLAP >! Please. GENTLEMAN 3 Sister, I'll handle this. < SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP > (There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips waiting to help the woman) ZEALOT 5 Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower (Kramer punches the man) ZEALOT 6 Excuse me sir, would you . . . (Kramer pushes him out of the way) ZEALOT 7 Donations for the Reverend Moon? (Kramer punches him) ZEALOT 8 Jews for Jesus? (Crack !)Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ZEALOT 9 Read about Jehovah's witness? (Kramer kicks him) ZEALOT 10 How about Buddhism? (Whack!) ZEALOT 11 Help Jerry's kids? (punch!) ZEALOT 12 Scientology? ZEALOT 13 Avoid nuclear power? (Bap ! Bop !) ANNOUNCER Your attention please! No Frills passengers no arriving please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the attendant upon leaving the terminal. (Passengers are coming down the conveyer belt for luggage) KRAMER I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. . . yes, birds too. MCCROSKY Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice have we got? That's the whole story there Rex, everything we know. KRAMER All right Steve, lets face a few facts. As you know I flew with this man during the war. He's going to have enough on his mind without worrying about those times when . . . when things weren't so good. MCCROSKY Right now, things aren't so good. KRAMER Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a top notch squadron leader a long time ago. MCCROSKY I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the approach. So help me, you'll have to talk him right down to the ground. (Crash) KRAMER Very well, put Striker on the speaker. MCCROSKY Use my radio there. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. (gulp) TOWER GUY Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain. KRAMER Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex Kramer speaking. STRIKER YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear. KRAMER All right, its obvious you remember me. What do you say you and I just forget about everything except what we have to do now. STRIKER Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the luck there is. KRAMER Standby Striker. Our one hope is to build this man up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can. Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before? STRIKER No, never. KRAMER (TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off) SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no way he can land that plane. MCCROSKY (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta talk him down, you gotta. KRAMER We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll avoid killing innocent people. MCCROSKY You're the only chance they've got. KRAMER All right, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Now, first I want you to get the feel of the plane. Later, we'll run down the landing procedure. Now, I want you to disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't make any violent control movements like you did in the fighter planes. STRIKER All right, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot. KRAMER Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy compared to a fighter. Don't worry about that its perfectly normal. (Plane starts to nosedive and passengers begin to panic) Now one more thing, is there somebody there who can work the radio and leave you free for flying? STRIKER Yes, the stewardess is here with me. KRAMER Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat. STRIKER Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat. PASSENGER What's going on? We have a right to know the truth! RUMACK All right, I'm going to level with you all. The most important thing now is that you remain calm. There's no reason to panic (his nose starts to grow). Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill, slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine, they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. STRIKER The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a little hot (sign flashes "a little hot") KRAMER Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something. I know that right now things must look pretty rough up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't have complete confidence in your chances to come out of this thing alive and in one piece. Striker, what kind of weather are you in up there? ELAINE Rain! STRIKER And a little ice. ELAINE And a little ice. KRAMER How's it handling? STRIKER Sluggish, like a wet sponge. ELAINE Sluggish, like a wet sponge. KRAMER All right, Striker, your doing just fine. STRIKER Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts. ELAINE Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts. JIVE MAN 2 Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. ATTENDENT Can I get you something? JIVE MAN 2 S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up. Tightly. ATTENDENT I'm sorry I don't understand. JIVE MAN 1 Cutty say he cant hang. WOMAN 4 Oh stewardess, I speak jive. ATTENDENT Ohhhh, good. WOMAN 4 He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him. ATTENDENT Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine. WOMAN 4 Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the` rebound a de medcide. JIVE MAN 2 What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I dug her rap. WOMAN 4 Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow. MCCROSKY Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better let her know what's going on. TOWER GUY Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire. MCCROSKY Johnny, what can you make outta this? JOHNNY This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl. . . (Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers.) MRS. OEVER Hello? TOWER GUY Mrs. Oever? MRS. OEVER Yes, this is Mrs. Oever. TOWER GUY This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's some trouble on your husband's flight. We don't know how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may want to get down here right away. MRS. OEVER Yes, I'll be right down. . . (hangs up the phone) I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself out the back door. There's juice in the refridgerator. (We see she is sleeping with a horse) HORSE Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll. Winey. ELAINE Dr. Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and we`re running out of time. STRIKER (In echoey voice to himself)I've got to concentrate concentrate, concentrate. I've got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello. Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau Manny Motta, motta, motta. MAN How're you doing honey? WOMAN 5 I'm so hot, I'm burning up. MAN I'll turn on some air. (The whole cabin starts to blow with wind. " Close the window ") STRIKER Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do we start down? KRAMER Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now. I don't understand it should have been in range 10 minutes ago. Genderson, check the radar range, anything yet? GENDERSON (Looks in an oven)Its about 2 more minutes chief. MCCROSKY 2 more minutes? They could be miles off course. KRAMER That's impossible there on instruments (a brass ensemble begins to play) MCCROSKY This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me know when you get anything. Got a cigarette Nelson? I can't take much more of this. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny, how about some more coffee? JOHNNY NO THANKS! TOWER GUY Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement. REPORTER How much longer can those passengers hold out? MCCROSKY A, half an hour or less. REPORTER Who's flying the plane? MCCROSKY One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no cause for alarm. . . Here, take over. REPORTER What kind of plane is it? JOHNNY Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol. REPORTER Okay boys, lets get some pictures. (Take photos off of wall . . .) (Various reports from around the world are shown) TVGUY This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner approaches Chicago. COUNTERPOINT They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say let em crash. MAN 2 Would you like a little whiskey ma'am? WOMAN 6 (In a berating voice)CERTAINLY NOT! (She then does cocaine) STRIKER How are the passengers doing? RUMACK I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out of time. STRIKER Surely there must be something you can do. RUMACK I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley. NUN R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little respect (passenger vomits as she sings)Just a little bit . . . ATTENDENT Booo-hooo (she crys) RUMACK Randy, are you all right? ATTENDENT Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married. RUMACK We're going to make it, you've got to believe that. WOMAN 3 Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing? RUMACK Pretty soon, how are you bearing up? WOMAN 3 Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at least I have a husband. (Randy sobs harder) VOICE Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should be clear if you go in low enough. You'll have to decide... You'll have to decide... STRIKER Oh rats! we lost number 4. ELAINE What happened Ted, what went wrong? STRIKER The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure. When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit the fan (We see shit hitting a fan) KRAMER Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up there? Striker, that plane can't land itself, it takes a pilot that can handle pressure. MCCROSKY Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his fault. It could happen to any pilot. JOHNNY It happened to Barbara Stanwick. MCCROSKY Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta remember who you're dealing with. JOHNNY Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn. STRIKER He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to think I could land this plane. ELAINE Ted, you're the only hope. STRIKER I don't care. (Plane starts to nosedive again) I don't have what it takes. They'd be better off with someone who'd never flown before. MCCROSKY Bad news, the fog is getting thicker. JOHNNY And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger. STRIKER I know what you're going to say, so save your breath. RUMACK Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said " The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain made the right decision. The pilot's name was George Zip. STRIKER George Zip said that? RUMACK The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell too good, that's for sure. STRIKER Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land. KRAMER All right Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit, as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in. STRIKER I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack says the sick people are in critical condition. And every minute counts. We've got to land now. KRAMER Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there. STRIKER NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer? KRAMER He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a million. MCCROSKY I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese, TOWER GUY Captain, look at this! MCCROSKY Passengers certain to die! KRAMER Airline negligent. JOHNNY There's a sale at Penny's! MCCROSKY All right, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower, you Maceias. . . JOHNNY Me John! Big tree. KRAMER Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck. JOHNNY The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . . WOMAN 4 Stewardess, how soon so we land? ATTENDENT It won't be long now, try not to worry. TOWER GUY We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain Henshaw this is Captain Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts. MCCROSKY All right Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all air traffic within five miles, get that finger out of your ear, you don't know where that finger's been (guy smells his finger) Got a cigarette Nels? Your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious. JOHNNY Just like Gerald Ford. MCCROSKY Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can get that plane down in time. MRS. OEVER That isn't much of a chance, is it? MCCROSKY I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything we can, now excuse me huh? JOHNNY Where did you get that dress? Its awful . . . and those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz. (Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen) TOWER GUY 8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4. ELAINE We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent. KRAMER Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field. (A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the runway) TOWER GUY Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er. Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2. Civilian equipment number 3. Air Force positions number 4 and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air Israel, please clear the runway (Plane is shown wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke.) ATTENDENT In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions your life jackets are located under your seat. Place the jacket over your head. And when I give the word, pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat cushions are also equipped with a flotation device. RADIO "WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever" (plane knocks down station's transmitter) KRAMER Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You can't come straight in. You've got enough fuel left for two hours of flying. STRIKER I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have people up here who will die in less than an hour let alone two. I may bend your precious airplane, but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear down now. ATTENDENT Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready. STRIKER Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You might get hurt up here. ELAINE Ted, STRIKER Yes? ELAINE I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud. STRIKER Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land. ELAINE The gear is down and we're ready to land. KRAMER All right, he's on final now, put out all runway lights except 9er. TOWER GUY Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now. MCCROSKY No, that's just what they'll be expecting us to do. RUMACK I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you. KRAMER All right, now just listen carefully . . . you should be able to see the runway at 300 feet. Aim the touchdown a third of the way along. There's a slight crosswind from the right so be ready for it. Land too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's right in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . . (long pause). . . if that doesn't stop you cut the four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head. Do you see us now? You should be able to see the field now. (Dog barks) MCCROSKY It sure is quiet out there. . . KRAMER Yeah, too quiet. MCCROSKY Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. (inhales some glue and falls over) STRIKER There it is. KRAMER There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . . STRIKER I know, I know. ELAINE He knows, he knows. AIRDUDE Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625, he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down. KRAMER Sound your alarm bell, now. ATTENDENT All right now everybody, get in crash positions (The passengers arrange themselves as if they just crashed.) KRAMER Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me: Remember your brakes and switches, get ready to fly it out . . . AIRDUDE He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . . what an asshole. KRAMER More mast rudder, put down more flap . . . JOHNNY (Unplugs runway lights) Just kidding. KRAMER Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're coming in too fast, watch your speed. MCCROSKY He's coming right at us . . . (jumps through a window) KRAMER You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle. Watch for that crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll have to dip your left wing. You're drifting, keep your eyes on the far end of the runway. You're too low damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down, down. The brake . . . pull the red handle. RUMACK I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you. VOICE 2 Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10 KRAMER Push a button. VOICE 2 Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . . JOHNNY Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister, its a twister VOICE 2 Gate 23, 24, 25 . . . (Plane lands safely) RUMACK I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all counting on you. KRAMER Striker, Striker, you all right? STRIKER Yeah, we're okay. KRAMER Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . . and Ted I just want you to know that when the going got rough . . . ATTENDENT Okay all right, have a nice day . . .have a nice day, thank you for flying TransAmerican KRAMER Loneliness, that's the bottom line. I was never happy as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what its like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head. With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question. ATTENDENT Have a nice day. KRAMER Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . . the best investment in America. (Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off) THE END!!!!! AIRPLANE! Starring: Kareem Abdul-Jabar as Murdock Peter Graves as Captain Oever Lloyd Bridges as McCroskey Julie Hagerty as Elaine Robert Hayes as Ted Striker Leslie Neilson as Dr. Rumack Lorna Patterson as Randy Robert Stack as Kramer Stephen Stucker as Johnny Otto (Autopilot) as Himself Written/Directed/Produced By: Jim Abrahams, David & Jerry Zucker

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