1%Father [sigh] Oh well. At least we still have his little brother 1% George. 1%George [si
1%Father: [sigh] Oh well. At least we still have his little brother
1% George.
1%George: [singing]
1% Bwa bwa bwa bwa,
1% Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky Home,
1% Bwa bwa bwa bwa...
1% [spoken] Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.
1%-- Timeless classics, "Rosebud"
2%Burns: Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow.
2%Smithers: [hesitantly] Who's Bobo, sir?
2%Burns: Bobo? Er, um, I meant...Lobo! Er, Sheriff Lobo, they never
2% should have cancelled that show.
2%-- What were they thinking?, "Rosebud"
3%Burns: That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers...who is he?
3%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7-G,
3% but I don't think --
3%Burns: I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I
3% must harness his fractured take on modern life.
3%Smithers: Fine, sir. I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque
3% material.
3%-- Better than Diceman, anyway, "Rosebud"
4%Marge: What are you doing?
4%Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday
4% party. Is "poopoo" one word or two?
4%-- Better grab a dictionary, "Rosebud"
5%Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his
5% birthday.
5%Lisa: Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles if done with the
5% greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's
5% heart.
5%Homer: Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [laughs] I paint
5% a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!
5%-- Going for the subtle approach, "Rosebud"
6%Homer: "Now I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent" --
6%Bart: Incontinent. [laughs] Too rich!
6%Lisa: Does either of you know what "incontinent" means?
6%Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun.
6%-- "Rosebud"
7%Marge: Come on, everybody, it's time to go.
7%Homer: OK, stupid.
7%Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your
7% boss!
7%Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what
7% gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters.
7% [Outside, Flanders clips the hedge] Hey Flanders! You smell
7% like manure.
7%Flanders: Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for
7% the nose-news, neighbor!
7%-- Just practising my invective, "Rosebud"
8%Guard: Hey!
8% [President Bush grunts]
8% No one-termers. [tosses him out]
8%Carter: You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.
8%Bush: Get away from me, loser.
8%-- One-term Republicans are bigger losers, "Rosebud"
9%Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far.
9% Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones!
9%Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
9%Ramone 1: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
9%Ramone 2: Hey, up yours, Springfield.
9%Ramone 1: One, two, three, four!
9% [Abrasive guitar music begins]
9% Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!)
9% Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!)
9% Happy Birthday, Burnsey,
9% Happy Birthday to you!
9%Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard.
9% [The curtain falls]
9%Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us!
9%-- Silence gives consent, "Rosebud"
10%Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed.
10%Smithers: Sir, those aren't --
10%Burns: Do as I say!
10%-- The perils of being Smithers, "Rosebud"
11%Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands
11% tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a
11% satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head
11% slightly.
11%Burns: Bah, no time. Next!
11%-- O hallowed gratitude, "Rosebud"
12%I have some sad news to report: a small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was
12%just run over in the parking lot.
12%[Audience gasps]
12%And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
12%-- Smithers warms up the audience, "Rosebud"
13%Homer: [exaggeratedly loud] Are you ready to laugh?
13%Man: Poor dog.
13%Homer: I said, are you ready to laugh?
13%Woman: Quiet, you awful man.
13%-- Homer starts his comedy routine, "Rosebud"
14%Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap --
14%Burns: What?
14%Homer: I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old --
14%Burns: How dare you!
14%Homer: Woo hoo, tough crowd.
14%-- The comedy routine, "Rosebud"
15%Homer: Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in
15% public again.
15%Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
15%-- Hope springs eternal, "Rosebud"
16%Bart: Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world
16% your fat can.
16%Homer: Don't worry, boy, he'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
16%Lisa: I knew it.
16%-- So much for _that_ promise, "Rosebud"
17%Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's
17%"Excalibur". The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare
17%first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
17%-- Smithers, "Rosebud"
18%Smithers: [dressed in a bear suit] Here's something that should cheer
18% you up, sir. It's me, sir: Bobo! Hug me! Squeeze me!
18% [suggestively] Tug at my fur...
18%Burns: [pushing him aside] Enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now
18% find my teddy! And oh, er, leave the costume.
18%-- Uh, Hallowe'en is next week, "Rosebud"
19%Kent: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the
19% world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house...
19% You could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front
19% of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps
19% being held up by a loved one.
19%Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down!
19% [realizing] Moldy? Old?
19% I'm gonna get something to eat!
19%-- Right on the tip of his tongue, "Rosebud"
20%Lisa: Bobo: it's Mr. Burns' bear all right.
20%Homer: Well, Burns isn't getting _this_ back cheap, I can tell you that.
20% He's gonna have to give me...my own recording studio!
20% [In a studio, Homer sings] Two all-beef patties special sauce,
20% lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun. [drools]
20%Man: Homer, you're drooling on the mike again.
20%-- Fifth one today, "Rosebud"
21%Marge: Mmm...I'll sew that eye back on.
21%Bart: No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail; he'll pay more money
21% if he thinks the bear's in danger.
21%Homer: [in a trance] Yes, we'll send the eye.
21%-- "Rosebud"
22%Marge: I'm sure he'll offer a fair reward. [as an afterthought] And
22% then we'll make him double it.
22%Family: Huh?
22%Marge: [defensive] Well why can't I be greedy once in a while?
22%-- Because you're the nicest?, "Rosebud"
23%[tenderly] Bobo, my beautiful Bobo. I promise I'll never leave you
23%behind again.
23%[to Homer] Ahem. Ah, yes. Er, naturally I can't pay you much of a
23%reward because I'm strapped for cash.
23%[The ceiling caves in, spilling gold and jewels on him] As you can see,
23%this old place is falling apart...
23%-- It's all cubic zirconium anyway, "Rosebud"
24%Burns: I'm sure we can come to an understanding.
24%Homer: Yes, sir.
24% [thinking] Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.
24%Burns: May I offer you a drink?
24%Homer: Sorry, Burns, no deal.
24%-- A tough bargainer, "Rosebud"
25%Homer: I knew you'd come crawling back.
25%Burns: How much do you want?
25%Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the
25% leper one!
25%Burns: Done!
25%-- Plus an option to pick up the leper one later, "Rosebud"
26%Homer: Aw, big deal. Who needs his money? We're gettin' by OK.
26% [Abe drives through the wall into the living room]
26%Abe: Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here
26% and I don't have any insurance!
26% [congenially] So how's by you?
26%-- You should have asked ten seconds ago, "Rosebud"
27%Homer: Mmm...sixty four slices of American cheese.
27% [Takes the stack to the table and sits down]
27% Sixty four...[eats it]
27% Sixty three...[eats it]
27% [Next morning]
27% Two...[eats it really slowly]
27% One...[eats it]
27% [Marge walks in]
27%Marge: [incredulous] Have you been up all night eating cheese?
27%Homer: [slurred] I think I'm blind...
27%-- All that lactose, "Rosebud"
28%Man 1: Excuse me, we wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness
28% of his children more than money.
28%Homer: [unenthused] Right here.
28%Man 2: Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball.
28%Homer: Oh, my life can't get any worse.
28%Smithers: [over the intercom] Homer Simpson, report for much worse duty.
28%Homer: D'oh!
28%-- Homer, meet Mr. Murphy, "Rosebud"
29%Marge: Mmm, I think we need a new hair dryer.
29%Homer: Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns' money.
29%Marge: I don't hate you, I'm proud of you! You came through for your
29% daughter when she needed you the most.
29%Homer: Aw, thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to
29% comfort _this_ tortured soul.
29% [He reaches for the box and puts it on his head] Hee hee hee,
29% boxey!
29%Marge: [indignant] Gimme that!
29%-- Simple pleasures, "Rosebud"
30%Barney: [the dinosaur, that is]
30% [singing] Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus
30% two is four...
30%Homer: Heh heh heh, I can see why _this_ is so popular!
30%-- Homer learns addition, "Rosebud"
31%Burns: As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And
31% you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in.
31%Otto: Woo, that bites.
31%Patty: Holy crap!
31%-- Taking over MacGyver is a fate worse than death, "Rosebud"
32%Burns: What's that you say? You can live without television so long as
32% you have _beer_?
32%Homer: [defiantly] That's right.
32%Burns: [ominously] Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield
32% have been diverted...this town will be as dry as a bone. And if
32% the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a
32% problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
32% [The doorbell rings, and Homer answers it]
32%Barney: [brandishing a gun] Homer, give him what he wants!
32%-- You don't know how far he'll go, "Rosebud"
33%Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man [points at
33% Jimbo] won't give a beer to another old man. Let's get him!
33%Jimbo: Wait! Why are we gettin' him?
33% [Martin walks by]
33%Martin: Look, gentlemen. The first snapdragon of the season!
33%Nelson: Never mind. Let's just get _him_! [points at Martin]
33%-- Bad timing, "Rosebud"
34% [A dumb sitcom is shown on TV]
34%Burns: Smithers, I'm home! [canned laughter]
34%Smithers: What, already? [canned chuckle]
34%Burns: Yes. [loud canned laughter]
34%Lisa: [watching] Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?
34%Homer: Ehh, it's about the same. Uh oh! Look out, Smithers!
34% [Sound of breaking glass]
34% Heh heh, I love this show.
34%-- Homer, discerning TV viewer, "Rosebud"
35%Burns: Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of though. I'm sure we
35% can come to some sort of agreement --
35% [Starts trying to pull the bear away, but he's too weak]
35% Beaten by an infant...what could be more humiliating?
35%Reporter: [taking a photo] What a scoop!
35%-- You had to ask, "Rosebud"
36% [Maggie offers him the bear]
36%Burns: For me? Bobo?
36% Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm
36% actually happy. Take a note! [resolute] From now on, I'm
36% only going to be good and kind to everyone.
36%Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil.
36%Burns: Ehh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
36%-- "Rosebud"
37%Well...we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted.
37%Marge, I'm confused! Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
37%-- Homer the prescriptivist, "Rosebud"
38%Man: [quietly] Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger
38% Falls...where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and
38% the children are pink-cheeked and robust.
38% [Audience laughs loudly]
38%Homer: What the hell's so funny?
38%Man: At the Apple Biscuit cafe, where the smiles are free, don't you
38% know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu, and finally he ordered the
38% same thing he has every day.
38% [Audience laughs and applauds]
38%Bart: Maybe it's the TV.
38%Homer: Stupid TV. [Hits it] Be more funny!
38%-- TV: object of aggression, "Marge on the Lam"
39%Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons
39% as "Out With Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."
39% Folks, do you realize without your support, public television
39% can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as "Edward
39% the Penitent"?
39% [Cut to clip]
39%Edward: [kissing the papal ring] I'm really, really, _really_ sorry --
39%Pope: I'm afraid "sorry" doesn't cut it with this pope!
39%-- Eleven "Tony"-winning shows, "Marge on the Lam"
40%Troy: What the hell -- Oh! We got a call.
40%Homer: Ha ha! Some idiot actually called in.
40%Troy: Hello? What's your name?
40%Marge: Marge Simpson.
40%Homer: Aah!
40%-- My wife's an idiot!, "Marge on the Lam"
41%Marge generously pledges thirty dollars, then thanks Troy before hanging
41%up.
42%Marge, it's public TV! They never have anything good. Where are the
42%Geraldos? Where are the Ewbankses-es?
42%-- Homer objects to Marge pledging money, "Marge on the Lam"
43%Marge: [of public TV] They need our support! Besides, they gave me two
43% tickets to the ballet.
43%Homer: [jubilant] Ballet? Woo-hoo!
43%Marge: [incredulous] You like ballet?
43%Homer: Marjorie, _please_. I enjoy _all_ the meats of our cultural
43% stew.
43%-- Particularly the snouts and entrails, "Marge on the Lam"
44%Homer: _That's_ what ballet is? [whining] Oh --
44%Marge: You promised! You can't back out like when you volunteered for
44% that Army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'.
44% [Flashback]
44%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, you _do_ realize this may result in hair loss,
44% giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium?
44%Homer: Yeah, yeah, just give me the serum.
44% [Doctor injects him]
44% [Back to the present]
44%Homer: Heh heh, it was worth it.
44% [Homer falls out of his chair]
44% [giddily] Tee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee --
44%-- A tangled web, "Marge on the Lam"
45%Carl: Hey Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home?
45%Homer: [sneering] I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet.
45%Lenny: Heh. You're gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh?
45%-- People unclear on the concept, "Marge on the Lam"
46% [Homer reaches inside a pop machine, grunting]
46%Homer: Just...a little more...argh...got it! [realizing] Aah! I'm
46% stuck. Help me!
46%Carl: He's done for!
46%Lenny: Let's get out of here!
46% [They run off screaming]
46%Homer: [dragging the machine behind him] Must...get to ballet...
46% promised...Marge!
46%-- A man with a mission, "Marge on the Lam"
47%Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap!
47%-- Homer with his arm stuck in a vending machine, "Marge on the Lam"
48%Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools along
48%with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind.
48%-- Ruth Powers on divorce, "Marge on the Lam"
49%Ruth: Vayachipa's loins ought to be outlawed.
49%Marge: [snickers]
49%Burns: Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing!
49%Smithers: A little mincing would be nice...
49%-- At the ballet, "Marge on the Lam"
50%Marge: Well, thank you for a lovely time.
50%Ruth: You're not going home already, are you?
50%Marge: Well, it's almost 9:30.
50%-- Lights out by 10:00, "Marge on the Lam"
51%Man: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to
51% saw your arms off. [brandishes a buzzsaw]
51%Homer: [plaintive] They'll grow back, right?
51%Man: Oh, er, yeah.
51%Homer: Whew!
51%-- He failed anatomy, I guess, "Marge on the Lam"
52%Ruth: [sighs] I envy you and Homer.
52%Marge: Thank you. [realizing] Why?
52%Ruth: If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did
52% was eat, sleep, and drink beer.
52%Marge: Your point being?
52%-- "Marge on the Lam"
53%Ruth: [about her ex-husband] To top it off, he's been stiffing me on
53% child support for the last four months.
53%Marge: Hmm. Well, you _were_ unlucky. But there _are_ a lot of good
53% men out there.
53%Barney: Hey! [to waiter] Can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy
53% somethin' --
53%-- "Marge on the Lam"
54%Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines.
54% That's why I had the firemen write me a note.
54%Marge: [reads] "Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a
54% lumberyard burned down."
54%Homer: D'oh! [sadly] Lumber has a million uses.
54%-- Even worse, "Marge on the Lam"
55%Marge: I'm disappointed in you. But it turns out I had a wonderful time
55% with Ruth Powers. In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night.
55%Homer: Marge, that's twice. I think you're spending entirely too much
55% time with this woman.
55%Marge: Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends.
55% [Flashback to Marge and three women drinking coffee in the living
55% room]
55%Woman: Heh heh. Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday.
55% [Homer walks in wearing a "No Fat Chicks" T-shirt and Hawaiian
55% shorts]
55%Homer: Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look! It's doing it
55% again.
55%-- Respect thy wife, "Marge on the Lam"
56%Homer: Marge, you can't go out on Saturday! That's our special night.
56%Marge: What's so special about it?
56%Homer: What's so -- [sarcastic] Oh, I don't know. A little show called
56% "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"?
56%-- Starring Vanna White, "Marge on the Lam"
57%Homer: Where are you going?
57%Marge: I don't know.
57%Homer: When will you be home?
57%Marge: I'm not sure.
57%Homer: Where are you going?
57%Marge: You already asked me that.
57%-- The long-term effects of TV-watching, "Marge on the Lam"
58%Homer: How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children?
58%Lisa: Have a blast, Mom.
58%Bart: Rock the Casbah!
58%Homer: [sneering at Bart] "Man's best friend," indeed.
58%-- "Marge on the Lam"
59%Marge: You look...nice.
59%Ruth: Tonight has nothing to do with "nice". Tonight's all about --
59% [She puts in a tape: "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows" --]
59% Oh, sorry Marge. Wrong tape.
59% ["Welcome to the jungle! We got fun and games..."]
59%-- The jungle that is...Springfield, "Marge on the Lam"
60%Homer: I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me.
60%Bart: Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in
60% curlers and give you a makeover, [slyly] Homina.
60%Homer: [falsetto] Oh, that would be delightful --
60% [realizing] Quiet, boy!
60%-- "Marge on the Lam"
61%Homer: There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a
61% night out, right, Lisa?
61%Lisa: Sure, dad. [makes a whipping sound]
61%-- Ball and chain, "Marge on the Lam"
62%Homer: That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one
62% who can have a girls' night out. [dials the phone]
62%Lenny: Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game.
62% [Shaves a woman's legs]
62%Woman: Shave up, not down, you idiot!
62%Burns: Ooh, sounds delish! Let me just toss some jeans on and --
62% wait a minute! Who is this?
62%Flanders: Howdily-doodily-do!
62% [Homer hangs up]
62% Hello? Y'ello! Hellodily-odily!
62%-- Maybe some other night, "Marge on the Lam"
63%Homer: Fine. I can have a great time all by myself.
63%Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a
63% babysitter.
63%Homer: Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen "Home Alone"? If some burglars come,
63% it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.
63%Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!
63%Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...
63% [Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what
63% Bart says"] Hmm...you kids _do_ need a babysitter!
63%Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] _Don't_ give that card to
63% me.
63%Homer: Here you g -- [pulls back] No!
63%-- Just before Homer leaves, "Marge on the Lam"
64%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I
64% couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course,
64% being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
64%Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two
64% popsicles out of the freezer.
64%Hutz: Three.
64%Homer: Two.
64%Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
64%Homer: Done!
64%Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.
64%-- "Marge on the Lam"
65%Cowboy: Hey, baby! Feel like gettin' lucky?
65%Marge: I _am_ lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children.
65% Thank you very much.
65%Cowboy: [threatening] Listen, baby, I _always_ get what I want.
65%Marge: [indignant] I said no!
65%Cowboy: Oh, did you? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our
65% apologies.
65%-- A true redneck gentleman, "Marge on the Lam"
66%Homer: Sometimes, you gotta go where everybody knows your name.
66% [walks into Moe's] Hey guys!
66% [No one answers; the fan squeaks]
66% Moe, get the darts. I want to play.
66%Moe: No. We're phasing out the games; people drink less when they're
66% having fun.
66%-- Cause and effect, "Marge on the Lam"
67%Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries.
67%Look at him! He's wearing a belt. [wistfully] That's Hollywood for ya.
67%-- Lionel Hutz on "LA Law", "Marge on the Lam"
68%Hey, Mrs. Simpson! You should try one of these "Smart Drinks." [laughs
68%and drinks it]
68%Ooh, wow...I've wasted my life!
68%-- Otto, realization dawning, "Marge on the Lam"
69%Quimby: Would you, er, like to dance?
69%Marge: Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here!
69%Quimby: I'm, er, here with my nephews.
69%-- Remind you of anyone?, "Marge on the Lam"
70%Marge: What was it you wanted to show me?
70%Ruth: This. [pulls a gun]
70%Marge: [gasps] You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you?
70%-- No, for meat, "Marge on the Lam"
71%Marge: Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates.
71% [Flashback to said date, where Homer brandishes a thick stick]
71% Homer, stop that! It's just a weather station.
71%Homer: Come on, Marge! It's fun to smash things. [hits it] Heh heh, I
71% smashed it good! [laughs some more]
71% [to Marge] You got real purty hair...
71%-- A hopeless romantic, "Marge on the Lam"
72%Ruth: [pointing] Look, you can see our houses.
72%Marge: Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.
72%Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
72%Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to
72% Miguel Sanchez!
72%-- Lawyers can change legal names easily, "Marge on the Lam"
73%Marge: Maybe we should call it a night.
73%Ruth: OK. I _should_ get home to my daughter before that naked talk
73% show comes on.
73%-- The one with bacon on the beach?, "Marge on the Lam"
74%Homer: The old make-out place. Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash
74% it good! [sighs] Oh, it's just no fun without Marge.
74%Wiggum: Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still.
74% [notices Homer] Oh, Simpson! [tosses the moonshine] What are
74% you doing here?
74%Homer: [bitter] My wife is having a girls' night out.
74%Wiggum: Aw, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's
74% a woman, though, because one time I...heh.
74%-- Another story not suitable for children, "Marge on the Lam"
75%Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me?
75%Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child
75% support?
75%Marge: Uh huh.
75%Ruth: Well, to even things up, I kind of stole his car.
75%Marge: Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the
75% police?
75%Ruth: Marge, you're the level-headed friend I never had.
75%-- Small consolation, "Marge on the Lam"
76%Wiggum: We're in pursuit of two female suspects. One is wearing a green
76% dress, pearls, and has a lot of blue hair.
76%Homer: A lot of blue hair? Hee hee -- what a freak!
76%-- A freak that _you_ found her, "Marge on the Lam"
77%Homer: ...it's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I
77% didn't take her to the ballet.
77%Wiggum: That's _exactly_ how Dillinger got started.
77%Homer: [interested] Really?
77%-- You learn something new every day, "Marge on the Lam"
78%Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give
78% yourself up.
78%Ruth: Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that
78% deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren'tcha?
78%Marge: [thinking] I should say something reassuring and noncommittal.
78% [spoken] Hmm.
78%-- Reassuring..._and_ noncommittal, "Marge on the Lam"
79%Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this.
79% Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out.
79%Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are
79% professional lawmen, and --
79% [Ruth turns the car's lights off]
79%Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car! [slams on
79% the brakes]
79% There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know.
79%Homer: [timid] Hold me.
79%Wiggum: [conciliatory] Only if you hold me.
79%-- You first, "Marge on the Lam"
80%Marge: [uncertain] Well, goodbye.
80%Ruth: I'm...sorry about all this. But you gotta admit, we _did_ have
80% some fun.
80%Marge: Yeah...everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely.
80%-- "Marge on the Lam"
81%Woman 1: [to Woman 2] This cross-country flight from the law would be
81% hell if we didn't stick together.
81%Woman 2: Hey: friends _stick_ together.
81%Woman 3: [to Woman 4] It's amazing how through all this adversity, we
81% managed to stick together.
81%Woman 4: If there's _one thing_ decent folk do, it's stick together.
81%Waitress: I hate it when the waffles stick together.
81%Cook: Stickin' together is what good waffles do.
81%-- Philsophy in a truck stop, "Marge on the Lam"
82%Wiggum: Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be
82% sitting pretty.
82% [Marge and Ruth whiz by]
82%Homer: That's them!
82%Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs.
82%-- Wiggum the epicure, "Marge on the Lam"
83%Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.
83%Lisa: Don't worry, Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. [taps
83% him]
83%Hutz: [wakes up, clears his throat] Don't touch my stuff! [holds a
83% knife]
83% Hey, this isn't the YMCA...
83%-- Survival of the fittest, "Marge on the Lam"
84%Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the
84% rebelling women.
84%Dispatch: All right, your current location?
84%Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'm, er, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt...oh,
84% geez, trees, shrubs...er, I'm directly under the earth's
84% sun...now!
84%-- No need for GPS satellites, "Marge on the Lam"
85%Kent: We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The
85% suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of
85% Springfield.
85%Bart: Cool!
85%Lisa: I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the
85% shackles of our male oppressors.
85%Bart: Ehh, shut your yap.
85%-- Bart Simpson, Male Oppressor, "Marge on the Lam"
86%At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt
86%with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
86%incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause]
86%It's in "Revelations", people!
86%-- Kent Brockman thumps the bible, "Marge on the Lam"
87%Ruth: I give up. A single mother can't win in a man's world.
87%Marge: Ruth, that's a lot of hooey. It's not over 'till it's over.
87% [Grabs the steering wheel, making the car veer off the road]
87% I'm sorry, I should have asked first.
87%-- Always considerate, "Marge on the Lam"
88%Wiggum: Oh, no! They're headed right for the Grand Chasm!
88%Homer: Oh my God! They're going to drive right into it just to teach
88% us men a lesson. And it's all my fault!
88%-- A heavy burden, "Marge on the Lam"
89%Homer: [into bullhorn] Marge, Marge!
89%Marge: Homer?
89%Homer: Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry
89% about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I
89% used your wedding dress to wax the car. And I'm sorry -- oh
89% well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this
89% point.
89%Marge: [to Ruth] You're right: I _am_ lucky to have him.
89%-- Stand by your man, "Marge on the Lam"
90%Wiggum: Hah! And to think those idiot environmentalists were protesting
90% this landfill!
90%Homer: It's solid waste...I could kiss you!
90% [kisses it] Ew...
90% [kisses it] Ooh...
90% [kisses it] Argh!
90% [kisses it] Ooh...I think _this_ was pizza.
90%-- With bile topping, perhaps, "Marge on the Lam"
91%Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The
91% judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced
91% him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the
91% outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz.
91% Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, was
91% paid eight dollars for his thirty-two hours of babysitting.
91% He was glad to get it.
91% Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code
91% section 618A: Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans.
91% She was ordered to pay fifty cents to replace the cans, and
91% $2000 in punitive damages and mental anguish.
91% Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States
91% Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland,
91% for extensive testing.
91%Homer: Woo-hoo!
91%-- The fates of the principal characters, "Marge on the Lam"
92%Ooh! The Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away sixty soiled
92%mattresses!
92%-- Homer reads the "FOR FREE" section of the paper, "Bart's Inner Child"
93%Homer: Oh my God!
93%Lisa: What is it?
93%Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline! [runs out]
93%Bart: He said what now?
93%Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!
93%-- Homer gets excited over a free trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
94%Krusty: You here for the trampoline?
94%Homer: Yeah. What's the deal?
94%Krusty: Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing
94% it out for more dirty limericks: "There once was a man named
94% Enis..."
94%-- Krusty gives away a trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
95%Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering!
95%-- Lisa, after Homer gets a trampoline for the family, "Bart's Inner
95% Child"
96%Bart: I will _never_ get tired of this!
96%Lisa: I'm going to have my wedding here!
96%-- The children play on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
97%Marge: I don't know if this is a good idea.
97%Homer: Marge, it's the perfect exercise! It'll double the value of our
97% house, and it was free! Free!
97%-- Why trampolines are good, "Bart's Inner Child"
98%Bart: Otto, are you OK?
98%Otto: Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. [Bart does so] Thanks,
98% little buddy!
98%-- Otto injures himself on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
99%Todd: Each leap brings us closer to God.
99%Rod: Catch me, Lord, catch me!
99% [They collide and fall onto the ground]
99% What have we done to make God angry?
99%Todd: _You_ did it!
99%-- The Flanders children jump on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
100%Milhouse: Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt.
100%Homer: Kids, kids: once you get hurt, move aside and let other people
100% jump.
100%-- Homer lays down the trampoline rules, "Bart's Inner Child"
101%Homer: Hey, Krusty: I'm bringing back the --
101%Krusty: [points a shotgun at Homer]
101% You just keep right on driving.
101%-- Homer tries to return the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
102%That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone.
102%[A shadow grows above Homer]
102%[The trampoline bounces repeatedly off Homer's head, driving his feet
102%into the ground]
102%If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.
102%-- Physics according to "Road Runner", "Bart's Inner Child"
103%All right, all right...you win for now. But someday you'll _rust_!
103%-- Homer vs. the trampoline., "Bart's Inner Child"
104%Bart: Dad, you really want to get rid of this trampoline?
104%Homer: Uh huh.
104%Bart: Observe: a bike lock.
104% [He locks the trampoline to a post]
104% Now just turn around, and count to three: one, two, three --
104% [They turn around to see Snake with a pair of wire cutters]
104% Uh, better make it five.
104%Snake: All right! I got me a bed.
104%-- 1,001 uses, "Bart's Inner Child"
105% [Outside]
105%Kearney: Shh, quiet! You'll wake up old man Simpson.
105%Jimbo: Hey, no more trampoline.
105%Kearney: Let's jump on the car instead!
105%-- Appetite for destruction, "Bart's Inner Child"
106%Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least
106% I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd
106% ever do is work and go to church.
106%Marge: That's not true.
106%Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
106%Marge: I can name ten things! Uh...I made sloppy Joes!
106%Homer: That's not fun.
106%-- The importance of being fun, "Bart's Inner Child"
107%Marge: Hmm...I didn't realize people saw me that way.
107%Lisa: Are you mad?
107%Marge: No, I'm fine. I'm going to my sisters' now.
107% [She runs out and drives away]
107%Flanders: [cheerily] Careful there, Marge, you almost nicked me!
107%-- Marge deals with being a nag, "Bart's Inner Child"
108%Patty: Your blood pressure is off the chart.
108%Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit.
108%-- The sisters inspect Marge, "Bart's Inner Child"
109%Thank you, Martha Quinn. [Audience applauds]
109%There you have it: unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities.
109%She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.
109%-- Brad Goodman on his infomercial, "Bart's Inner Child"
110%Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality
110% disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow;
110% what's in there? [reads list] Depression, insomnia,
110% motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness,
110% bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity
110% disorder (or GPD), and chronic nagging...nagging...nagging...
110% [Close up shot of Marge]
110%Selma: Sorry, it does that sometimes. [hits the TV]
110%-- Nine things in the seven-colored rainbow, "Bart's Inner Child"
111%Oh, hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help
111%videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid". Well, now
111%I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's
111%right, it's the Brad Goodman [squints at cue cards]
111%something-or-other...
111%-- Troy McClure introduces "Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat", "Bart's Inner
111% Child"
112%A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then
112%Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified
112%wine! [drinks from a can] Ah...sweet liquor eases the pain.
112%-- Troy McClure describes how self-help aided him, "Bart's Inner Child"
113%Troy: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in
113% "impr-you-vement"...Brad Goodman!
113%Brad: Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way...I'm not happy you're
113% still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than
113% fifty.
113%-- "Bart's Inner Child"
114%Brad: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not
114% have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one
114% thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can
114% change your life.
114% [Steps to a blackboard] Troy, this circle is you. [draws one]
114%Troy: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!
114%-- Accurate characterizations, "Bart's Inner Child"
115%Marge: That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a
115% passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do
115% foolish things, I just enable your life script.
115%Homer: And that sends me into a shame spiral.
115%Marge: Exactly!
115%-- Following their bliss, "Bart's Inner Child"
116%Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
116%Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad.
116%Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
116%Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
116%Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.
116%Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
116%Homer: I feel validated by that.
116%Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.
116%Homer: Me too. [walks off whistling]
116%-- The new problem-tackling paradigm, "Bart's Inner Child"
117%Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation Desert Storm!
117%-- Homer finds more good free stuff, "Bart's Inner Child"
118%Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
118%Lisa: We know, Dad.
118%Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to
118% attend this self-help seminar.
118%Bart: What an odd thing to say...
118%-- Homer's new directness approach, "Bart's Inner Child"
119%Brad: Thank you. OK, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't
119% be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!
119%Quimby: I, er, can't commit to a relationship.
119%Burns: I'm too nice!
119%Apu: I have problems with --
119%Lenny: I'm always interrupting people!
119%-- The "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child"
120%Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no
120%trick to it -- it's just a simple trick!
120%-- Brad Goodman at the "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child"
121%Brad: Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner
121% voice inside, your inner child. Listen! What's he saying?
121%Ned: [inside] Stay the course, big Ned. You're doing super!
121%Homer: [inside] Food goes in here! [spoken] It sure does.
121%Moe: [inside] Hey, Moe, what's-a-matter? You no talka with you accent
121% no more. [spoken] Mama mia!
121%-- The inner children speak, "Bart's Inner Child"
122%Brad: Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work. I want you to
122% pretend this dummy right here is your mother.
122%Skinner: OK, I'll try.
122%Brad: Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now.
122%Skinner: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed -- angry! I'm
122% a grown man now [yelling] and I can run my own life!
122% [Tears at the dummy with his teeth]
122%Brad: Calm down, calm down. Oh, _moving_. You can sit down now.
122%Skinner: [sitting next to his mother] We're still going antiquing on
122% Saturday, right, Mother?
122%-- Open aggression, "Bart's Inner Child"
123%Brad: You see, folks, we're all trying to please someone else. And as
123% soon as you're not a human be-ing, you're a human do-ing. Then
123% what comes next?
123%Bart: A human go-ing! [gets up to leave]
123%-- Bart's syllogism of humanity, "Bart's Inner Child"
124%Brad: People, this young man here _is_ the inner child I've been talking
124% about!
124%Lisa: [incredulous] What?
124%-- Lisa's slow acceptance, "Bart's Inner Child"
125%Brad: Son, you've never read any of my books, have you?
125%Bart: [snorts] Earth to boring guy.
125% [Audience howls with laughter]
125%Brad: [laughs] That means "no", huh? I'm not so old-fashioned.
125%-- Grace under pressure, "Bart's Inner Child"
126%Brad: This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious
126% eating disorder, and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle, I'm sure
126% worn only for shock value --
126%Marge: Erm --
126%Brad: -- and yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son.
126% That's fantastic.
126%Marge: Oh, thank you.
126%-- Insurmountable odds, "Bart's Inner Child"
127%Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this --
127%Bart: Rudiger.
127%Brad: -- Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger --
127%Marge: His name is Bart.
127%Brad: [snaps] His name isn't important! What's important here is that
127% this lad has fully developed ego integrity with well-defined
127% boundaries.
127%Bart: [snoring noises]
127% [Audience laughs]
127%-- Bart, everyone's obnoxious inner child, "Bart's Inner Child"
128%Brad: People, I am excited. I can sense a change in the air
128% tonight. You are all going to start _living_, really
128% _living_.
128%Audience: Yay! [chanting] Living! Living!
128%Brad: Be like the boy!
128%Audience: Be like boy! Be like boy!
128%Brad: Just the ladies.
128%Ladies: Be like boy! Be like boy!
128%Brad: Now, the seniors in the back.
128%Seniors: We like Roy! We like Roy!
128%-- Not Roy Cohn, surely?, "Bart's Inner Child"
129%Lisa: This is madness. He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers.
129%Carl: [enthusiastically] And how!
129%-- Lisa sees through Brad Goodman, "Bart's Inner Child"
130%pre-moistened towlette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and
130%really communicating, with no holding back, and this reporter thinks
130%it's about [bleep]ing time. Of course, all these good vibes can be
130%traced to one feisty little scamp [picture of Bart appears] who taught
130%us that if it feels good, do it!
130%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, "Bart's Inner Child"
131%Bart: Lis, today I am a god.
131%Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?
131%Bart: Eww!
131%-- Blessed by the holy bottom, "Bart's Inner Child"
132%Now instead of my boring old sermon, I'm going to take a page from the
132%Book of Bart to do something I've always wanted to do.
132%[Walks over to the organ]
132%Take five, Mrs. Feesh.
132%[Begins playing "The Entertainer" badly] Wait, wait, I can do this...
132%[Starts over, playing more wrong notes]
132%Wait, wait, hold on...
132%-- Reverend Lovejoy does what he feels like, "Bart's Inner Child"
133%Edna: [reading] "The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo
133% Marconi." Who can tell me what his first message was?
133%Bart: Uh --
133%Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name-a!
133% [Everyone laughs]
133%Edna: [chuckling] Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first
133% message by wireless?
133%Bart: It was --
133%Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
133% [Everyone laughs]
133%-- Everyone lives like Bart, "Bart's Inner Child"
134%Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me. So why does it suck?
134%Lisa: It's simple, Bart: you've defined yourself as a rebel, and in the
134% absence of a repressive milieu your societal nature's been
134% co-opted.
134%Bart: [pause] I see.
134%-- Said the blind man, "Bart's Inner Child"
135%Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your
135% identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix,
135% one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society.
135%Bart: What's the answer?
135%Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity.
135% May I suggest...good-natured doormat?
135%Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.
135%-- Lisa consoles Bart, "Bart's Inner Child"
136%Springfield will have its first annual "Do What You Feel" Festival this
136%Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up! It'll be a welcome change
136%from our annual, "Do As We Say" Festival started by German settlers in
136%1946.
136%-- Kent Brockman's residual bitterness, "Bart's Inner Child"
137%Willy: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of
137% you and burn your town to cinders.
137%Workman: [whispering] The mike's on.
137%Willy: I know it's on!
137%-- Don't delay, vote today, "Bart's Inner Child"
138%Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this
138% so-called..._iced_ cream.
138%Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just
138% like to say that...[clears throat]...I...love you.
138%Burns: Hmm?
138%Smithers: [hastily] In those colors! [aside] Oh, who am I kidding? The
138% boathouse was the time!
138%-- Plagued by doubt and regrets, "Bart's Inner Child"
139%Skinner: My God, they're naked!
139%Patty: Double your pleasure, Springfield.
139%Selma: I'm sweating...let's ride through the car wash.
139%Everyone: Ew!
139%McAlister: [snapping a photo of them] Arr! This picture will serve me
139% well on those lonely nights at sea.
139%-- Their biggest fan, "Bart's Inner Child"
140%Homer: This is great...I can finally look like I want, and not get
140% hassled by the man! [Apu and Jamshed ride around the family on
140% skateboards]
140%Apu: Cowabunga!
140%Bart: Skateboards? You copycat wannabes!
140%-- The "Do What You Feel" Festival, "Bart's Inner Child"
141%Good afternoon and welcome to the "Do What You Feel" festival. By the
141%way, this young lady is not my wife, but I _am_ sleeping with her. I'm
141%telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.
141%-- Quimby, the Master of Ceremonies, "Bart's Inner Child"
142%Quimby: And now to usher in this new era of feeling good is the
142% godfather of soul, James Brown.
142%Brown: Ow! [singing]
142% I feel good, huh!
142% I knew that I would, now. How!
142% I feel good, good God!
142% I knew that I would. Hah!
142% So good! So good! I got a-you. Wow!
142% [The bandstand collapses, and everyone gasps]
142% Hey, wait a minute. Hold on here -- this bandstand wasn't
142% double-bolted. Huh.
142%Worker: I didn't feel like it.
142%Homer: Hey, I hear you, buddy.
142%-- James Brown, closet carpenter, "Bart's Inner Child"
143%Marge: Er, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation,
143% but my inner critic says you should have done your job!
143%Ned: Hey, now, Marge, let's not "should" this fellow to death.
143%-- New-age arguments, "Bart's Inner Child"
144%Quimby: In the spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I
144% think. You two screwed up royal!
144%Worker: Ya know, I really don't feel like being blamed.
144%Skinner: I feel that you should shut up!
144%Moe: You know, you really irritate me, Skinner, what with your
144% store-bought haircut and excellent posture.
144%Hot-dog boy: Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice!
144%Moe: Oh, really? [pushes him]
144%Hibbert: Oh, now, now: there's no need to resort to violence.
144%Moe: Oh, sure there is! [punches the boy]
144%-- So much for owning their okayness, "Bart's Inner Child"
145%Marge: I knew it. If only I had nagged more!
145%Lovejoy: God is angry: we've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.
145% [Two women in togas hold onto a giant gold statue of Goodman]
145%-- And the Lord said..., "Bart's Inner Child"
146%Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
146%Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
146%Homer: No we're not.
146%Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
146%-- Short attention spans, "Bart's Inner Child"
147%Homer: Aw, boy: if only Bart had been a better role model for everyone.
147%Marge: That's not fair. The lesson here is that self-improvement is
147% better left to people who live in big cities.
147%Lisa: No! Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix:
147% it's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.
147%Homer: That's what I've been saying! We're all fine the way we are!
147%-- Homer, master paraphraser, "Bart's Inner Child"
148%Homer: Ooh! It's that new show about the policeman who solves
148% crimes in his spare time.
148%Bart: Crank it, Homer!
148%Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, MacGarnicle.
148% Did you really have to break so much furniture?
148%MacGarnicle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind
148% your desk.
148%Homer: Ah, MacGarnicle: eases the pain.
148%Chief: You're off the case, MacGarnicle!
148%MacGarnicle: You're off _your_ case, Chief!
148%Chief: What does that mean exactly?
148%Homer: [yelling] It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
148%Lisa: Dad, siddown.
148%Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.
148%-- More award-winning TV shows, "Bart's Inner Child"
149%Video Man: Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the
149% inexpressible?
149%Martin: [entranced] Tell me more!
149%-- Martin plays "My Dinner with Andre", "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
150%Bart: Be cool, Simpson...but be _in_ the game, not _of_ the game.
150%Man: Bwaa! No es bueno...Bwaa!
150% [He gets shot and falls off the building]
150% [George Bush walks on the screen and kicks the corpse]
150%Bush: [robotically] Winners don't use drugs.
150%-- Bart plays "Panamanian Strongman", "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
151%Bart: Aw, I'm out of money.
151%Milhouse: Don't say that out loud!
151% [Security men watch a bank of TV screens]
151%Man 1: Caucasian males out of money in sector four. Go to code red.
151%-- Bart and Milhouse at the arcade, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
152%Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?
152%Bum: You musn't kill time, boys, you must cherish it. Seize the
152% day!...Can I have some change to go get loaded?
152%-- Bart and Milhouse get ejected from the arcade, "Boy Scoutz N' the
152% Hood"
153%Ah, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites...
153%[Looks at books, picks up peanut jar]
153%Honey-roasted peanuts. Ingredients: "Salt, artificial honey-roasting
153%agents, [excited] pressed peanut sweepings..." Mmm.
153%-- Homer reads a literary masterpiece, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
154%Ah, the last peanut -- overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed
154%brothers.
154%-- Homer with an almost empty jar of peanuts, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
155% [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
155%Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy!
155% Eww, slimy.
155% Oh, moving!
155% Ah-ha! [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty
155% dollars...I wanted a peanut!
155%Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
155%Homer: Explain how.
155%Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
155%-- The voice of reason, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
156%Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar. What do we do?
156%Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style!
156% [Singing together]
156% Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town:
156% the schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down.
156% The stray dogs go to the animal pound,
156%Bart: Springfield, Springfield!
156%Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield!
156%Sailor: New York, New York!
156%Bart: New York is that-a-way, man!
156%Sailor: Thanks, kid!
156%Together: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown!
156%-- Painting the town green, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
157%I don't know where you magic pixies came from...but I like your pixie
157%drink! [drinks some Squishy]
157%-- Barney to Milhouse and Bart, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
158%Bart: [groans] Oh, my head.
158%Lisa: Tsk, tsk, tsk, the remorse of the sugar junkie.
158%Bart: Ohh...I don't remember anything.
158%Lisa: Really? Not even...this? [pulls back the covers]
158% [Bart is dressed as in a uniform]
158%Bart: Aah! Oh, no! I must have joined the Junior Campers.
158%Lisa; The few, the proud, the geeky. [Laughs unsympathetically]
158%Bart: Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.
158%-- Bart considers a membership in Squishyholics Anonymous, "Boy Scoutz
158% N' the Hood"
159%Bart: OK, look: I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior
159% Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done: I've made my
159% bed, and ow I've got to weasel out of it.
159%Marge: I know you think the Junior Campers are square and "uncool", but
159% they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-alongs and flag
159% ceremonies.
159%Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is
159% important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!...
159% except the weasels.
159%-- The morning after the Squishy bender, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
160%Bart: All I've got to do is take this uniform back after school.
160%Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers; _I_ got a
160% dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
160%Skinner: [gasps] What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to
160% shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a
160% right: it's a privilege!
160%-- The curse of the toupee, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
161%Nelson: What's in the bag, wuss? [grabs it from Bart]
161% Oh, look: [contemptuously] Campers' Pampers. Heh.
161% [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney appear, and the four bullies start to
161% play "Keepaway!"]
161%Bart: Yeah, whatever. [walks away]
161%Jimbo: [blocking his path] You better pretend you want your uniform
161% back, twerp!
161%Bart: [gulps]
161% [The bullies begin to play Keepaway again]
161%Bart: [half-hearted] Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform.
161%-- Oozing sincerity, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
162%Edna: Guess what, class?
162%Martin: Time for a surprise quiz?
162%Edna: Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it's a good idea.
162% Hah!
162%-- Thank you, Mr. Prince, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
163%Edna: Take out a sheet of paper, books under your desk.
163%Warren: [whining] I'm supposed to -- I've got -- I'm supposed to --
163%Edna: Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All Junior Campers are excused to
163% attend their patrol meeting.
163%Bart: [hastily putting on the uniform] Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I-I'd love
163% to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities.
163%Nelson: Hey, look: sergeant Dork! Ha-ha!
163%Bart: [slyly] Enjoy your test.
163%Nelson: Ha-h -- [realizing] Aw!
163%-- Saved by the skin of his teeth, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
164%Bart: Hello, alternative to testing!
164% [Opens the door, sees Ned Flanders] Ohh...
164%Ned: Well, it's Bart Simpson...come on in! You're just in time for
164% "Sponge Bath the Old Folks" Day!
164%Jasper: Help yourself...but stay above the equator!
164%-- Frightening introductory activities, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
165%Ned: Well sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary
165% pinecone and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir!
165%Bart: I'm outta here, man. [starts to leave]
165%Ned: OK, now everybody take out your Junior Campers' pocket-knives.
165%Bart: Huh? [excited] You guys get to play with knives? [grabs one of
165% the other kids' knives] Aw, cool: a spork!
165%Kid: Don't hurt me!
165%-- Bart at a Junior Campers meeting, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
166%Moe: When I say, "Put your beer on a coaster," I mean it!
166%Hans: You call that a knife? This is a knife! [pulls a huge blade from
166% his cane]
166% [It's too heavy for him to hold up]
166% [weakly] Ooh, down I go.
166%-- Crocodile Moleman, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
167%"Don't do what Donny Don't does"...[sighs] They could have made this
167%clearer.
167%-- Bart reads a knife safety book, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
168%Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol,
168% boning up on his nerd lessons.
168%Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive.
168%Homer: You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. [ruffles his hair]
168% [Marge leaves]
168% [singing] Egghead likes his booky-books!
168%Marge: Homer!
168%Homer: Just tucking him in.
168%-- Homer, master of tolerance, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
169%Here you go: your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of
169%"pussy willow"!
169%-- Ned to Bart the Junior Camper after Bart passes a knife safety test,
169% "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
170%Ned: Howdely-hey, Camper Bart. Ready for today's meeting?
170%Bart: You knowdely-know it, Neddy.
170%Ned: Okily dokily.
170%-- Bart learns Nedspeak, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
171%Ned: Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend.
171%Bart: [thinking] Oh no, me bring Homer on a rafting trip?
171% [In Bart's imagination, Homer wears a paper sailor hat and
171% faces the wrong way in the raft]
171%Homer: Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. [splashes everyone
171% with his oar]
171%Father 1: What an oaf!
171%Father 2: How embarrassing.
171%Camper: Glad he's not _my_ father.
171%-- Nightmare rafting trips, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
172%Ned: Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret! A
172% special celebrity dad has been arranged for you.
172%Warren: But -- my older brother would like --
172%Ned: [cheerfully] Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already
172% been confirmed.
172% [Ernest Borgnine walks in laughing]
172%Ernest: Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant Fatso Judson
172% in "From Here to Eternity".
172% [The kids except for Bart and Warren cheer]
172%-- Or not, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
173%Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to
173% trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?
173% Huh?
173% [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
173%Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting
173% trip.
173%Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son.
173%-- People unclear on the concept, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
174%Bart: [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask
174% him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault.
174%Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go,
174% I'll just say, "Yes!"
174%Homer's brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
174%Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
174%Bart: [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come
174% on this trip with me.
174%Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on
174% your trip with you.
174%Bart & Homer: D'oh!
174%-- The rafting trip showdown, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
175%McAllister: Arr, here be a fine vessel -- the yarest river-going boat
175% there be.
175%Homer: I'll take it!
175% [The raft sinks]
175%McAllister: [sadly] Arr, I don't know what I'm doing.
175%-- The truth comes out, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
176%Ned: Okey dokey, every dad find a partner. Two dads to a raft.
176% [All dads except Homer shake hands and smile at one another]
176%Homer: Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders --
176%Ned: Well, Homer, looks like we're boat-buddies, huh? Want me to zinc
176% your sniffer?
176%-- A fate worse than death, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
177%Ned: Well, I guess now we know why they call them "rapids" and not
177% "slowpids", huh?
177%Bart: [appreciative] Ha, ha!
177%Homer: You are not my son!
177%-- Bart gets disowned in the raft, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
178%Ned: Now, what happened to that gosh-darn map I brought?
178% [said map is on Homer's head as a sailor's hat. It blows off]
178%Homer: Um, I dunno...but lucky for you _somebody_ here is responsible.
178% [pulls out a "Krusty Burger Fun Map"]
178% Hey, there's a _New_ Mexico.
178%-- Useful geography trivia, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
179% [Homer dances on a beach with ice cream cones and lollipops]
179%Homer: [singing] Sugar, do-do-do do, do do,
179% Oh, honey honey, do-do-do do, do do,
179% You are my candy girl...
179% [batteries in walkman run down]
179% Lousy piece of junk! [throws it into the water]
179%Todd: Hey...I got that for my birthday!
179%Homer: Now I have to face stupid reality again.
179%-- Homer's escapism, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
180%Homer: Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash
180% them.
180%Flanders: Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's
180% our only hope!
180%Homer: Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you
180% think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water,
180% water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."
180%-- The Rime of the Modern Homer, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
181%Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed!
181% [a seagull flies into view]
181%Flanders: Wrong, we're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They
181% only go out to sea to die!
181% [it squawks and spirals into the ocean]
181%Homer: [triumphant] Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right,
181% not Flanders. We _are_ doomed! In your face, Flanders!
181%-- Extreme grudge-holding, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
182%Bart: A rescue plane! Get the flare gun!
182% [Flanders does so, but Homer grabs it]
182%Homer: This ain't one of your church picnic flare-gun firings, Flanders!
182% This is the real thing!
182% [He discharges the gun, and the flare hits the plane and
182% explodes]
182% D'oh!
182%-- Homer, Church of Armaments member, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
183%Ned: Oh, we're done for, we're done for, we're done diddely done
183% for, we're done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily, done
183% diddely doodily, done diddely doodily --
183%Homer: [grabs him and slaps him] Flanders! Snap out of it! [slap!]
183%Ned: Thank you, Homer...I don't know what got -- [slap! slap!
183% slap!]
183%Bart: [grabbing Homer's arm] Dad, I think he's OK --
183%Homer: [slap! slap! slap slap!] It's better [slap!] to be [slap!]
183% safe [slap!] than [slap!] sorry! [slap! slap! slap!]
183% [apologizing] Sorry.
183%Flanders: Diddely -- [slap!]
183%-- Violence solves everything, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
184%Homer: Son, there was something I was going to give you at the end of
184% this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it
184% now.
184%Bart: [gasps] A real Swiss Army knife! Cool!
184%Homer: I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
184% [Scene switch to a ferocious bear]
184%Ernest: Don't worry, kids! I'll take care of him with my trusty...
184% [searches for his knife]...er, er, um, er, uh, hmm.
184%-- Who needed it more?, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
185%Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If
185%I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug.
185%-- Bart to Homer as they near death, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
186%The foul stench of death is upon us! [sniffs] Mmm, hamburgers.
186%-- Homer's famous nearly-last words, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
187%Homer: According to this map, there's a Krusty Burger on an offshore
187% oil rig.
187%Flanders: That's what you're smelling, Homer! Oh, if it weren't for
187% this blasted fog, we'd be saved.
187%Homer: Never mind the fog! [sniffs] That way! Steer, there isn't
187% much time!
187%-- The nose knows, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
188%Krusty: Oh, I'm taking a bath on this.
188%Man: We tried to tell you, these are _unmanned_ oil rigs.
188%Krusty: Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever going to come.
188%Homer: [runs in] Give me seven hundred Krusty burgers!
188%Kid: You want fries with that?
188%-- Just in the nick of time, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
189%Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything?
189%Lisa: Not yet, sir.
189%Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait?
189%Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility
189% far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
189%Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son?
189%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
189%Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's
189% on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
189% that way to our elders.
189%Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
189% [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
189% All right! We eat tonight!
189%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
190%Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole \\
190%* Is Power Plant Responsible? \\
190%Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms \\
190%Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
190%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
190% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
191%Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? \\
191%* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap \\
191%Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
191%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
191% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
192%Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in
192% and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
192%Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find
192% better things to do with my time.
192%Marge: Like what?
192%Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday
192% back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry]
192% What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out...
192%Marge: You're late for work, Homer.
192%Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me.
192%Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad.
192%Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer!
192%Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...
192%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
193%Hi, ho, faceless employees.
193%-- Monty Burns greets his faceless employees,
193% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
194%Hold me, Smithers.
194%-- Monty Burns, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
195%Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy]
195%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
195% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
196%Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
196%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
196% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
197%Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
197%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
197% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
198%Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly]
198% Uh, just resting my eyes!
198%Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
198%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
198% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
199%Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy,
199% deplorable...
199%Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and
199% thousands of dollars just lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh,
199% Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
199% return, the pile of money will be gone.
199% [leaves, waits, then returns]
199% Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are
199% still here.
199%Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying
199% to bribe me.
199%Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
199% [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets]
199% Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!
199%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
199% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
200%Burns: How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?
200%Smithers: Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir.
200%Burns: Fifty-six million!
200%Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.
200%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
200% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
201%Ooh! Cushy!
201%-- Homer sits in Monty Burns' car,
201% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
202%Burns: Do you realize how much it costs to run for office?
202% More than any honest many could afford!
202%Homer: I bet could afford it, though.
202%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
203%Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
203%Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
203%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
204%Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
204%-- Lisa, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
205%Now, here's the problem as I see it.
205%While Governor Bailey is belov\'ed by all,
205%ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse.
205%-- Monty Burns' political advisor,
205% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
206%Advisor: Their job is to turn this Mr. Burns...
206% [shows standard portrait of Monty Burns]
206% ... into this one.
206% [shows `artist's conception'.]
206%Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
206%Advisor: Because you're smiling!
206%Burns: Ah, excellent!
206% Yeah, this is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.
206%-- Monty Burns runs for office,
206% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
207%Thank you for watching `Movie for a Dreary Afternoon'.
207%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
208%An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?
208%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
209%Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
209%Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal?
209% I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
209% you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
209%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
209% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
210%Advisor: Now remember to smile.
210%Burns: [back to camera] I smiling.
210%Advisor: You'll have to do better than that.
210%Burns: [grunt, grunt] How's this?
210%Advisor: There you go!
210%Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace]
210% Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!
210%-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement,
210% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
211%By the time this paid political announcement is done, every
211%Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating
211%out of my hands. [realizes the camera is on] Oh, hello, friends.
211%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
211% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
212%But don't take word for it.
212%Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what thinks.
212%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
212% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
213%So you're saying this fish may have an advantage over other fish.
213%It may be, in fact, a kind of `Super-Fish'!
213%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
213% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
214%This fish is a miracle of nature. With a taste that can't be beat.
214%[rubs his tummy] Mmm-mm!
214%-- Monty Burns neutralizes the fish story,
214% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
215%``Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns.''
215%-- Monty Burns' campaign song,
215% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
216%Wow! Super-Fish!
216%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
217%That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood!
217%-- Abe, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
218%Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
218%Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.
218%Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, a Burns Booster.
218% [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!
218%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
218% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
219%Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are
219% up six points.
219%Burns: Ah, giving me a total of...
219%Advisor: Six.
219%-- Burns runs for governor,
219% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
220%Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state
220% are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their
220% intelligence and good judgement.
220%Reporter: Interesting strategy.
220%-- The gubernatorial campaign,
220% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
221%Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey
221%Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey.
221%Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns.
221%Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns.
221%-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign,
221% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
222%Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?
222%Advisor 1: Well, we've gone through her garbage.
222%Advisor 2: We talked to her maid.
222%Advisor 1: And so far, the only negative thing we have found is
222% from some guy who dated her when she was 16.
222%Burns: Ah. And?
222%Advisor 2: He, uh, he felt her up.
222%Burns: Bah! Not good enough!
222%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
223%Bart: Is your boss governor yet?
223%Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.
223%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
224%Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.
224%Burns: Hot dog!
224%Advisor: But there's a down-side to it.
224% The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with
224% the common man.
224%Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!
224%-- Burns runs for governor,
224% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
225%Homer: Oh! Great toast, Marge!
225% Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is
225% coming over for dinner.
225%Marge: What!?
225%Homer: Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to
225% feed them.
225%Bart: Cool, man! A media circus!
225%Marge: Absolutely not!
225%Homer: Come on, Marge!
225%Marge: Mm mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
225%Homer: D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
225%Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away]
225%Homer: [on his knees] Please please please please please please please please
225% please please...
225%-- The power of persuasion,
225% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
226%Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime
226% tomorrow?
226%Lisa: ``Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway
226% freight train. Why are you so popular?''
226%Advisor: Very good.
226%Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
226% my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
226% day render it uninhabitable?
226%Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine.
226%Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
226%Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure
226% she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
226%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
226% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
227%Mr. Burns wants you to appear veeeery affectionate towards him.
227%But we must remind you, he hates being touched.
227%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
227% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
228%Homer: Marge, get back in bed.
228%Marge: [on the floor] No, I'm just fine right here.
228%Homer: What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.
228%Marge: I don't feel like snuggling.
228%Homer: What's that got to do with it?
228%-- Apparently, not much, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
229%Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog!
229%-- Homer, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
230%Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
230%-- Bart says Grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
231%Lisa, you're learning many valuable lessons tonight. and
231%one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
231%-- Marge, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
232%YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!
232%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
233%Burns: [smashes some pictures] [tries to overturn a table, but can't]
233% Smithers, turn over this table for me.
233%Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so]
233%-- A friend in need, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
234%Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
234% election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
234% go to jail. That's democracy for you.
234%Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
234%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
235%Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like
235% the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing
235% to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't
235% you make it better, huh?
235%Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
235% dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on
235% weekends, no one man can destroy them.
235%Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]
235%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
236%TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler?
236%Homer: Hitler!
236%Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota?
236%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
237%TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?
237%[all four simultaneously]
237%Bart: Blue! Orange! Red! Purple!
237%Patty: [bored] Green.
237%Selma: [bored] Green.
237%Homer: Yellow! Red! White! Black! Green!
237%Contestant: [pause] Green.
237%Homer: I was right!
237%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
238%Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to.
238%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
239%For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza,
239%Hair City, Utah.
239%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
240%Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough!
240%Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration
240%product in the trash]
240%-- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
241%We do have a product that is more in your price range. However, I must
241%assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be
241%purely coincidental.
241%-- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah''
242%Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint...
242% [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing.
242% [leaves, crying]
242%[at the nuclear plant]
242%Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing!
242% And I storm right out of there.
242%-- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah''
243%Dry fish-sticks! This sucks!
243%-- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah''
244%Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
244%Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
244%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
245%Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the
245%jackpot?
245%-- One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance
245% form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
246%Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
246%-- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
247%Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
247%Barney: Hey, it's the president!
247%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
248%Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
248%Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it.
248%Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar!
248%Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him]
248%Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh.
248%Marge: Oh, Ooh!
248%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
249%Patty: This is Homer? Oh, my!
249%Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling.
249%Patty: Look who's talking.
249%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
250%Burns: None of these cretins deserves a promotion!
250%Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within
250% per year.
250%Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter?
250%Smither: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more
250% dynamic and resourceful.
250%Burns: Simpson, eh?
250%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
251%Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive.
251%Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to
251%room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
251%-- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah''
252%Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough...
252%-- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
253%Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's
253% only a matter of time until they find you out.
253%Homer: Gasp! Who told you?
253%Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders,
253% the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself
253% in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
253%-- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
254%Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high
254% worker accident rate.
254%Burns: [expels breath] Any suggestions?
254%Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
254%Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
254%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
255%Burns: How would you improve the worker situation?
255%Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when
255% the cafeteria would serve fish sticks...
255%Burns: Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about?
255%Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of
255% the sticks [sic]. Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it...
255%-- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah''
256%Let them have their tar-tar sauce!
256%-- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah''
257%You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself
257%is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level is
257%just as high as during Simpson's last vacation.
257%-- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah''
258%Oh, hey ho, men. You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when
258%I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...
258%-- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah''
259%Hm... $1000? Dimoxinil? ``To keep brain from freezing''?
259%-- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
260%Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want?
260%Lisa: An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
260%Homer: Uh... How about a pony?
260%Lisa: Okay!
260%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
261%Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan
261% out of $1000.
261%Burns: What!? Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside]
261% And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher...
261%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
262%Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die!
262%Bart: I love you, Dad!
262%Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you,
262% but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the
262% rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your
262% family, and baldness is hereditary!
262%Bart: It is!?
262%-- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah''
263%Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion.
263%-- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed,
263% ``Simpson and Delilah''
264%Homer: [picks up a note]
264%Karl's voice: Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your
264% speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards. All the big words are spelled
264% phonetically
264%Homer: Phonanetically.
264%Karl's voice: God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special
264% creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there]
264% Your obedient servant, Karl. ... Good luck, sir.
264%Homer: [startles] Karl, so that just a sweet voice I heard inside
264% my head.
264%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
265%Homer: I'm just a big fool.
265%Karl: Oh no, you're not.
265%Homer: How do you know?
265%Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack]
265%Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl!
265%Karl: Now go get 'em, tiger!
265%Homer: [roar!]
265%Karl: [pats Homer's behind as he leaves]
265%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
266%Homer: [ahem] A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
266% [burns a dollar bill]
266%Burns: He's crazy!
266%-- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
267%Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair!
267%-- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah''
268%[card #56 reads: ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the
268%one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.''
268%Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for
268% a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and...
268% lots of money...
268%-- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
269%Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am?
269%Homer: I dunno. A hundred and two?
269%Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one...
269%-- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah''
270%Burns: I'm giving you your old job back.
270%Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
270%Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider.
270%Homer: Oh. Better hurry up.
270%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
271%Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! [walks to the front of the room]
271%Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I
271%read was . It's about these... [describing the book jacket]
271%pirates. Pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold
271%teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... [pause]
271%Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson?
271%And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion,
271%on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being
271%the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine.
271%Any questions? [hands go up] Nope? Then I'll just sit down.
271%-- Bart's book report, ``Bart Gets an F''
272%Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
272%-- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book
272% he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F''
273%I will not fake my way through life.
273%-- Bart's blackboard punishment, ``Bart Gets an F''
274%Ms. K: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term.
274% Are you aware of that?
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Blah blah, blah-blah. Blah blah blah blah blah?
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Blah blah. Blah-blah blah, blah blah blah.
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you.
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Well, then what did I say?
274%Bart: Uhhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right?
274%Ms. K: Pah! That was a lucky guess.
274%-- Yes, ma'am, ``Bart Gets an F''
275%Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please.
275%Marge: Just a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news.
275%Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom.
275%Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring.
275%-- It's like walking and chewing gum, ``Bart Gets an F''
276%Homer: Pssst. Marge, come take a look at this.
276% [Bart has fallen asleep at his desk]
276%Marge: Oh... the little tiger tries so hard.
276% Why does he keep failing?
276%Homer: Just a little dim, I guess.
276%-- Like father, like son, ``Bart Gets an F''
277%Bart: [reading his history book while boarding the bus]
277%Otto: Hey, Bart-dude! Whoa, you look freaked!
277%Bart: Hey, Otto-man. I got a big test today I am ready for.
277% Could you please crash the bus or something?
277%Otto: Oh-ho, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose.
277% But, hey! Maybe you'll get lucky!
277%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
278%Bart: Good morning, girls!
278%Sherry+Terry: Good morning, Bart!
278%Bart: Say... Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first.
278% What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
278%Sherry: The Spirit of St. Louis.
278%Bart: [taking notes] And where'd they land?
278%Terry: Sunny Acapulco.
278%Bart: And why'd they leave England?
278%Sherry: Giant rats.
278%Bart: Cool! History's coming alive!
278%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
279%Ms. K: All right, class, take one and pass the rest back. [hands out exams]
279%Bart: [to himself] Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you.
279% [convulses and collapses on the floor, moaning]
279%Ms. K: Ugh. What is it, Bart.
279%Bart: [climbing back to his seat] Nothing... Must... take... test...
279% [falls back to the floor]
279%-- Bart the Thespian, ``Bart Gets an F''
280%Nurse: [concerned] What's the matter, son?
280%Bart: [clutching his stomach] Sharp, stabbing pains... in my stomach.
280%Nurse: Oh dear, I've heard of this... [consults a medical reference book,
280% opens to the page ``Amoria Phlebitis'']
280% Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?
280%Bart: [waving his arms] Both arms, ma'am.
280%Nurse: Temporary loss of vision?
280%Bart: [blindly] Huh? Who said that? Come closer...
280%-- Live from the Improv, ``Bart Gets an F''
281%I wish had Amoria Phlebitis...
281%-- Homer, ``Bart Gets an F''
282%Lisa: Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.
282%Bart: Well, everyone better keep their mouth shut.
282%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
283%Ms. K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our district psychiatrist
283% Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
283%Homer: Hey, Dr. J.
283%Dr. J: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what
283% laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an
283% underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this...
283% proud of it?
283%Homer: Hmmm.
283%Dr. J: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead
283% to blah blah blah blah...
283%Homer: Uh-huh.
283%Dr. J: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah...
283%Homer: Mmmm...
283%-- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F''
284%Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear?
284%-- Bart learns he might be held back a grade, ``Bart Gets an F''
285%As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
285%-- Bart, ``Bart Gets an F''
286%Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!
286%Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw
286% stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns.
286%Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible
286% `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head, little man?
286%Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
286%Otto: Yeah huh...
286%Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade
286% if I don't shape up.
286%Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing
286% that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself,
286% twice! Look at me, man! Now I the school bus!
286%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
287%Bart: I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much.
287%Martin: They... laugh at me? I've always considered myself rather popular.
287%Bart: You're not. Watch. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs]
287%Martin: But... but my speed with numbers... [Bart helps Martin to his feet]
287% my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas?
287% These things mean nothing to them?
287%Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. [pushes him down again, more laughs]
287%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
288%No study area is complete without adequate plant life.
288%-- Martin, ``Bart Gets an F''
289%Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus]
289%Bart: No!
289%Martin: No?
289%Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the
289% back row. And that's just on the bus, it goes for school and
289% church, too.
289%Martin: Why?
289%Bart: [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing!
289%Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing]
289% the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity
289% to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart:
289% \math M \propto 1/P \math]
289%Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that...
289%-- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F''
290%Pretty soon, you will be ready to try it with a book!
290%-- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F''
291%Who would have ever thought that pushing a boy into the girl's lavatory
291%could be such a thrill! The screams! The humiliation! The fact that
291%it wasn't me!
291%-- Martin joins Bart and friends, ``Bart Gets an F''
292%Bart: [praying] Well, old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know
292% I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school
292% tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more
292% day to study, Lord. I need Your help!
292%Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel.
292%Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll
292% cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do
292% it, You can! Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.
292%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
293%Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga!
293%Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
293%Bart: [rushes for the front door. Lisa's ominous shadow blocks the way] Hey!
293%Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your
293% prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or
293% what God is exactly, all I know is He's a force more powerful than Mom
293% and Dad put together, and you owe Him big. [shuts the door]
293%Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa]
293% I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man!
293% [goes upstairs to his room]
293% I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that
293% stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be?
293% [looks out window...]
293%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
294%Burns: I was never one to back away from a snowball fight!
294% Smithers, you may fire at will!
294%Smithers: Certainly, sir.
294%-- Snow Day, ``Bart Gets an F''
295%I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of
295%Springfield!
295%-- Diamond Joe Quimby, ``Bart Gets an F''
296%Th. Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident...
296%Bart: [to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident...
296% We hold these truths to be self-evident...
296%Th. Jefferson: That all men are created equal.
296%Bart: [to himself] That all men are created equal...
296%Th. Jefferson: And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent
296% and inalienable...
296%Delegate: [glances out the window, points]
296% Hey, look, everybody! It's snowing!
296%Delegate: In the middle of July?
296%Al. Hamilton: It's a miracle!
296%Ben Franklin: [comes in, shakes snow off his wig]
296% Fellas, I've invented something fun! The sled!
296% [all the delegates (except Bart) rush outside to play]
296%Delegate: [o.s.] Hey, look everybody!
296% John Hancock's writing his name in the snow!
296%-- Trying to study during a snow day, ``Bart Gets an F''
297%You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man!
297%-- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F''
298%Bart: I... passed?
298%Ms. K: Just barely!
298%Bart: Gasp! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [crying tears of joy]
298% All right! [kisses Ms. Krabappel and dances out of the classroom]
298% I passed, I passed, I passed, I passed! I got a D-! I passed!
298% [showing off his exam to anyone and everyone]
298% I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed!
298% I passed! I... ... ... kissed the teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick!
298%-- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F''
299%Homer: We're proud of you, boy!
299%Bart: Thanks Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God...
299%-- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F''
300%Hello everyone. You know, Hallowe'en is a very strange holiday. Personally,
300%I don't understand it. Mm mm... Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be
300%devils. Oooh, things on TV that are inappropriate for younger
300%viewers. Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother
300%kids. But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary.
300%So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed
300%early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for
300%your attention.
300%-- Marge's disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Terror''
301%Ooh, what a haul this year. I Hallowe'en!
301%-- Homer returns from a night of trick-or-treating, ``Treehouse of Terror''
302%Prime location, eighteen bedrooms, moat...
302%-- Marge admires the family's new mansion,
302% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
303%House: Geeettt ooouuuttt...
303%Marge: What on earth was that?
303%Homer: Probably just the house settling.
303%-- The Simpsons buy a haunted house,
303% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
304%Mm... This kitchen could use a woman's touch.
304%-- Marge discovers a blood-covered kitchen in their new home,
304% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
305%Lisa: It looks like a vortex. A gateway into another dimension.
305%Homer: Oooh, a vortex. [takes an orange and tosses it in] Catch!
305% [the orange disappears with a pop]
305% Heeeeey! Pretty slick!
305% [a crumpled-up piece of paper comes back]
305%Lisa: [reads the message] ``Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.''
305%-- ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
306%Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.
306%-- A message from the beyond, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
307%Lisa: I can feel an evil presence in this house.
307%Marge: Evil!?
307%Homer: Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother.
307%-- First things first, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
308%It's only natural there be things wrong with an old house like this.
308%It's a fixer-upper!
308%-- Homer explains the family's new (haunted) house,
308% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
309%House: They are all against you, Bart... You must kill them all...
309% They all must die...
309%Bart: Are you my conscience?
309%House: I... [pause] ... Yes, I am.
309%-- A conversation with the... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
310%This family's had its differences, and we've squabbled,
310%but we never had knife fights before.
310%-- Marge, after the infamous knife scene,
310% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
311%Lisa: It's an ancient Indian burial ground...
311%Bart: Man, this place has got everything!
311%-- ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
312%Mr. Bloot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to
312%mention one little thing: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL
312%GROUND! ... NO YOU DIDN'T! ... Well, that's not recollection. ...
312%Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye! [angrily hangs up] He said he mentioned
312%it five or six times.
312%-- Homer, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
313%You will diiiiieeeee. You will die slowwwwwwwly.
313%Your stomach will swelllllllll, your intestines will wriiiithe and booooil.
313%Your eeeeeyes will buuuuurn. And some horrible stuuuuuuuff, possibly
313%your braiiiiin, will start coming out through your noooooooose.
313%-- A house that knows how to get its point across,
313% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
314%Bart: Do it again!
314%House: What?
314%Bart: Make the walls bleed.
314%House: No!
314%Bart: Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood!
314%House: I don't have to entertain .
314%Bart: Come on, man, do it. Do the blood thing. Come on, do it.
314% Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!
314%-- Bart talks to the ... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
315%Hm... Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have? [self-destructs]
315%-- The House, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
316%Bitchin'!
316%-- Bart watches the house self-destruct,
316% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
317%It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. One can't help but
317%feel a little rejected.
317%-- Lisa, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
318%Alien: Greetings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.
318%Marge: You, you speak English.
318%Alien: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence,
318% both of our languages are exactly the same.
318%-- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens,
318% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
319%Look, I know that to you, we Simpsons are a lower order of life.
319%We face that prejudice every day of our lives...
319%-- Lisa pleads for mercy from the aliens,
319% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
320%Radish rosettes! These are hard to make. They're a very advanced race.
320%-- Marge admires the aliens' food,
320% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
321%Alien: [drooling] Your wife is quite a... dish.
321%Homer: Oooh, thanks.
321%-- ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
322%Alien: On this cable system, we receive over one million channels from the
322% furthest reaches of the galaxy.
322%Bart: Do you get HBO?
322%Alien: No, that would cost extra.
322%-- Showing the flying saucer's entertainment center,
322% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
323%Alien 1: Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel
323% raise your hand. [raises his tentacle]
323%Alien 2: [raises his tentacle]
323%Bart: [raises his hand]
323%Homer: [slaps Bart's hand]
323%Alien 1: All right, then.
323%Marge: I'm sorry. Your game is very nice.
323%-- After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO,
323% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
324%Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons!
324%-- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
325%Alien: We offered you paradise. You would have experienced emotions
325% a hundred times greater than what you call love. And a thousand
325% times greater than what you call fun. You would have been treated
325% like gods and lived forever in beauty. But, now, because of your
325% distrustful nature, that can never be.
325%Marge: [aside] Mmmm. For a superior race, they really rub it in.
325%-- ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
326%Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?
326%-- Marge, after Lisa ruins things yet again,
326% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
327%Narrator: While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
327% As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
327%Homer: 'Tis some visiter,
327%Narrator: I muttered,
327%Homer: tapping at my chamber door---
327% Only this and nothing more.
327%Bart: Are we scared yet?
327%-- Lisa reads ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
328%Narrator: Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
328%Homer: Sir,
328%Narrator: said I,
328%Homer: or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
328% But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
328% And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
328% That I scarce was sure I heard you
328%Narrator: ---here I opened wide the door;---
328%Homer: [throws open the door and covers his eyes]
328%Bart: [impatiently] This better be good.
328%Homer: [peeks through his fingers]
328%Narrator: Darkness there and nothing more.
328%Homer: Huh?
328%-- ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
329%Homer: Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,
329%Narrator: I said,
329%Homer: art sure no craven,
329% Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore---
329% Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!
329%Narrator: Quoth the Raven
329%Bart/Raven: Eat my shorts!
329%-- ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
330%Bart: Lisa, that wasn't scary. Not even for a poem.
330%Lisa: Well it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to
330% scare back then.
330%Bart: Oh, yeah. Like when you look at ``Friday the Thirteenth, Part 1''.
330% Pretty tame by today's standards.
330%-- Lisa reads ``The Raven'', ``Treehouse of Terror''
331%Homer: There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one
331% of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became
331% a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.
331%Barney: Please, Homer?
331%Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
331%Homer: Well, okay.
331%-- Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of
331% how he became a loser, ``Dancin' Homer''
332%[police sirens wail in the distance]
332%Heh, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ballpark! Awright!
332%Two birds with one stone!
332%-- Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
333%Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it
333% to the big leagues someday.
333%Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers?
333%Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here.
333%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
334%Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire.
334%Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the
334% right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself.
334%Marge: Mph.
334%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
335%Burns: Ah, the Gammels. Good to see you.
335%Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.
335%Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog!
335% [laughs]
335%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
335% ``Dancin' Homer''
336%Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
336%Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir.
336%Burns: Eh? [refers to the index card] Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson.
336% Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'.
336%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
336% ``Dancin' Homer''
337%Marge: Here you go, Bart.
337%Bart: [reads the inscription] Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26,
337% How about it? -- Flash.
337%Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic,
337% Marge.
337%-- Marge gets a baseball autographed, ``Dancin' Homer''
338%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball,
338% the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest
338% and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!
338% [isolated smatterings of applause]
338%Smithers: Oh, they love you, sir.
338%-- At the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
339%Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend.
339%Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be
339% by them...
339%-- Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
340%Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?
340%-- Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game,
340% ``Dancin' Homer''
341%Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the
341%post-game show.
341%-- Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville,
341% ``Dancin' Homer''
342%And I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to
342%do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle!
342%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
343%Our lives have taken an odd turn.
343%-- Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... ``Dancin' Homer''
344%Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos!
344%Lisa+Bart: All right!
344%Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm.
344%-- Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
345%For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me,
345%they were laughing me!
345%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
346%A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day...
346%-- Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt,
346% ``Dancin' Homer''
347%S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!! Springfield!!!!!
347%-- Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
348%Tex: Why don't you talk it over with your family?
348%Homer: Because they might say no.
348%-- Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team,
348% ``Dancin' Homer''
349%This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced.
349%I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife.
349%Oh, I shouldn't have called her that.
349%Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Mmph. Ow!
349%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
350%Lisa: I can't leave Springfield!
350% I was born here and I thought I would die here!
350%Homer: It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else.
350%-- On moving to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
351%We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and
351%too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.
351%-- Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
352%Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!
352%-- Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
353%Sure, what would you like? Four years? Five years.
353%-- Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, ``Dancin' Homer''
354%Ned: I don't know how to say this, but uh...
354%Homer: Oh, knock it off, Flanders; don't start blubbering on me.
354% I'll miss you too.... [aside] not.
354%-- Homer prepares to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
355%Lisa: I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other
355% better, my leaving would actually have meant something.
355%Friends: Yeah.
355%-- Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, ``Dancin' Homer''
356%Kids, look! Street crime!
356%-- Homer drives the family through Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
357%Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings
357%of respect for me. It wouldn't last.
357%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
358%Goof: What exactly do you have planned for us?
358%Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city,
358% all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'.
358%Goof: Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend.
358%-- Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, ``Dancin' Homer''
359%Well, hello again, everybody. Dave Glass talking at ya.
359%We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome...
359%-- Calling the baseball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
360%Homer: [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of
360% concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.
360%Vendor: Red hots! Getcher red hots here!
360%Homer: Ooh, red hots!
360%-- ``Dancin' Homer''
361%Oh, what a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I
361%realized how little that helped...
361%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
362%Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts,
362%the wrestling match of the century!
362%-- Announcer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
363%Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian!
363%Lewis: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian?
363%Lisa: Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed
363% wrestling, perhaps forever.
363%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
364%Bart: [in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match] \\
364% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
364%Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously.
364% Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet!
364%Homer: [in Moe's tavern] \\
364% Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand,
364% the Professor's got his patented coma lock.
364% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
364%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Daredevil''
365%Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro.
365%That's to be disorienting...
365%-- Announcer for wrestling match, ``Bart the Daredevil''
366%If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail...
366%And if you're in jail, break out!
366%-- Announcer for ``Truck-o-Saurus'', ``Bart the Daredevil''
367%Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and
367% I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday.
367%Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something?
367%Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing. No, I don't think so.
367%-- at the dinner table, ``Bart the Daredevil''
368%I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday,
368%I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
368%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
369%Oh cruel Fate! Why do you mock me?
369%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
370%Skinner: Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
370%Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.
370%Marge: Mmmmm.
370%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
371%Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo] My son! My son!
371%Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not bad.
371%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
372%I reached him!
372%-- Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly,
372% ``Bart the Daredevil''
373%Let the destruction begin!
373%-- Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
374%The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger,
374%if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch!
374%-- Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
375%Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're
375%all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my
375%most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature and gravity by
375%leaping over this tank of water, filled with man-eating great white sharks,
375%deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and
375%perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion!
375%[a lion is added to the pool]
375%Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one
375%drop of human blood.
375%[pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously]
375%Now, in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so
375%buckle up!
375%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
376%This is cool.
376%-- Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
377%Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold,
377%when he's not in class, he's risking his ass,
377%the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!
377%-- Announcer in Bart's dream, ``Bart the Daredevil''
378%Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil.
378%Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.
378%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
379%Lewis: Oh no, he's hurt.
379%Richard: Bad.
379%Milhouse: Let's get out of here!
379%-- kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil''
380%Marge: Are you all right?
380%Bart: Better than all right. I got stitches! [lifts the bandage]
380%Homer+Lisa: Ewwwww.
380%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
381%Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by
381%imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage.
381%-- Dr. Hibbert, ``Bart the Daredevil''
382%Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.
382% This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a
382% recent TV wrestling match.
382% I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
382%Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
382%Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless
382% hours of top-notch entertainment.
382%Homer: Amen!
382%-- Dr. Hibbert shows Bart the injury ward, ``Bart the Daredevil''
383%Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly.
383%I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever
383%find it.
383%-- Otto, on Springfield Gorge, ``Bart the Daredevil''
384%Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
384%Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something?
384%Bart: What?
384%Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!
384%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
385%Otto: [humming into the bus microphone]
385%Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone?
385%Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only.
385%-- on the bus, ``Bart the Daredevil''
386%Murdoch: [tries to give a thumbs-up sign] Doc, I heard a snap.
386%Dr. Hibbert: Hm. I'm afraid the bone is broken. Well, that's all of them!
386%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
387%Now let me start by saying... Good for you son!
387%It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger.
387%Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy,
387%and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is:
387%Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America
387%has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!
387%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt,
387% ``Bart the Daredevil''
388%I'm sorry Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra
388%attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.
388%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
389%Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do.
389% He's as good as dead! [bawls]
389%Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.
389%Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!
389%-- Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
390%Homer: Bart? Bart?
390% What are you doing?
390%Bart: [halfway out the window] Uh, nothing.
390%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
391%Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you!
391%Bart: Maybe.
391%-- Bart and the 9th commandment? ``Bart the Daredevil''
392%Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect
392%you to keep!
392%-- Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
393%Why that little liar! I should have...
393%And I was going to play pickle with him.
393%-- Homer, finding Bart's room empty, ``Bart the Daredevil''
394%I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even
394%tried reasoning with you.
394%-- Homer to Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
395%You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right...
395%-- Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
396%You think you've got guts. Try raising my kids.
396%-- Homer to Murdoch, ``Bart the Daredevil''
397%> Voice credits
397%>> Starring
397% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Lance Murdoch)
397% Julie Kavner (Marge)
397% Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Rod, Nelson)
397% Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
397% \: and
397% Harry Shearer (Announcer, Ned Flanders, Skinner, Insurance adjuster?,
397% Dr. Hibbert, Otto)
397%>> Also Starring
397% Hank Azaria (Moe)
397% Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
397% Maggie Roswell (Lewis, Tour guide)
398%> Didja notice...
399% ... Lisa is reading a book through the entire wrestling match?
399% ... the wresling match was sponsored by Duff Beer?
399% ... the wrestling match arena was empty in real life, yet we saw
399% a packed auditorium on TV?
399% ... when Homer rushes home from Moe's, the oil spot is back in the
399% driveway?
399% ... the unidentifiable food glop they were eating? (What it?)
399% ... the poor guy stuck behind Marge's hairdo at the recital?
399% ... when Homer stands and applauds Lisa's solo, Maggie sort of claps,
399% too? @{ajr}
399% (And when Homer points at his watch, who does he think he's showing
399% it to? Lisa? Mr. Largo?)
399% ... nobody (except Maggie) was wearing seat belts when Truck-o-Saurus
399% grabbed the car? (Especially with respect to Captain Lance Murdock's
399% exhortation, ``Seat belts save lives, so buckle up!'')
399% ... at the arena, the slogan on the beer mug was ``I survived
399% Truck-o-Saurus''? (Truth in advertising strikes again.)
399% ... the sign outside the Emergency Ward: `Cash Only'?
399% ... Marge start to realize that TV violence can be a problem?
399% ... Maggie is spooning her dinner onto the floor when Homer
399% tells Bart not to jump Springfield Gorge?
399% ... when Homer falls down the gorge the second time, Wendell
399% covers his mouth?
400% | Chris Baird@{cjb}:
401% ... when the kids are watching the wrestling, Maggie's walking trainer is
401% in a corner?
401% ... Homer drives home directly from Moe's Tavern? (So much for the
401% designated driver...)
401% ... when Dr. Hibbert is showing the family around the children's
401% ward, there looks to be an in one of the beds (or maybe
401% just a kid with a very large nose)? Hibbert was pointing at it
401% when he said 'the tragic always is'.
401% ... when Lisa mentions to Lance Murdoch that Bart intends jumping over the
401% Gorge on his skateboard, watch his eyes bulge...
401% ... someone with `Lisa-hair' is in the audience when Bart shows off before
401% he climbs the ramp? (A reasonable guess would be to say that it
401% was Lisa, since she's the only one I've [cjb] seen with that type of
401% hair-style.)
401% [There is at least one other girl in Springfield with Lisa-hair.
401% See [8f12]. --rjc]
402% | Dave Hall@{dh}:
403% ... when Homer is driving `defensively' down the highway, he cuts off a cab
403% with Bleeding-Gums Murphy?
403% ... Otto appears to be wearing a pearl(?) bracelet on his right hand,
403% and socks with lace trim?
404%> Movie (and other) References
405% . Jaws
405% - the way the lion leaps out to attack Captain Lance Murdoch.
406%> Freeze Frame Fun
407%>> The billboard in front of the Springfield Speedway
407% | Tonight!
407% | Monster Truck Rally
407% | featuring
407% | TRUCKASAURUS
407% | [unclear]
407% | Sunday: Bear Baiting
408%> Animation and continuity goofs
409%At the gorge, Nelson (the bully) says, ``Where is he? I thought he said
409%noon!'' but notice that Milhouse's mouth also moves to the words.
410%(And, as a plot discontinuity, Bart never said he was going to jump at noon.
410%He said, ``May I have your attention, please? This Saturday, I will be
410%jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. There is a good possibility
410%I will plunge to my bloody death. Hope to see you there! Thank you.'')
411%As Homer and Bart walk to the house after coming home from Truck-o-Sarus,
411%as they walk from the driveway, they are shaded on their backs, as though
411%the light is coming from the left. When they turn to go inside, walking away
411%from the viewer, the shading remains on their backs.
412%But this isn't an animation error. There are two light sources in the
412%scene. The first is the streetlamps, which provides the first shadow.
412%The second is the lights from the house, which provides the second shadow.
413%> Comments and other observations
414%>> Bart's T-shirt
415%Tim P. McNerney @{tpm} observes that Bart's
415%skull-and-crossbones T-shirt he wears for the jump across the gorge
415%has a skull with ``Bart-spikes''.
416%But Jym Dyer @{jd} recalls that the
416%X-rays in ``Bart Gets Hit By A Car'' shows a
416%normal skull. (Normal for cartoon characters, that is.) Bart's spiked skull
416%is clearly a matter of artistic license on his part.
417%>> The concert
418%>>> General notes
419%Schubert's Unfinished Symphony and Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture are a
419%bit too highbrow (and difficult!)\ for a bunch of eight-year-olds.
420%Mr. Largo counts, ``five, six, seven, eight'' before giving the
420%downbeat. Unfortunately, the Unfinished Symphony begins in 12/8 time.
420%(So he really should have counted either, ``7 8 9 10 11 12'' or just
420%``3 4''.) And, of course, the tempo he sets is nothing like the tempo
420%the orchestra plays. (And, the symphony doesn't even begin that way.
420%Mr. Largo skipped the introductory bars.)
421%There is no saxophone part in the Unfinished Symphony, a fortiori, no
421%saxophone solo.
422%The playing itself was down to school standards. Despite Mr. Largo's
422%exhortation of ``Remember children, stay together,'' they fall out of
422%step at the moment the first note is played. And the conclusion of
422%the 1812 Overture was the embodiment of school concerts. Everybody
422%had long since fallen out of step with everybody else, and moved on to
422%bigger and better things like playing the wrong note.
423%When Homer says, ``How much longer was Sherbert planning on making
423%this junk!'', the symphony comes to an end, and all applaud.
423%Unfortunately, what was played was only the end of the first movement.
423%The piece was only halfway finished---to the extent that `halfway
423%finished' applies to an unfinished symphony.
423%Perfectly in keeping with
423%what always happens at school concerts. (Parents applaud during
423%any break in the action.)
424%And as the Symphony started, you could hear Maggie sucking away.
425%Principal Skinner announced that it was the first in a series of Saturday
425%Evening Concerts. This is way beyond the abilities of a student orchestra.
425%It typically takes grammar school orchestras 10 to 14 weeks to prepare for
425%a single concert. (Unless they intend to have other performing groups
425%fill in, like Bart's fourth-grade dance demonstration.)
426%The only thing missing that I could think of was flashbulbs going off
426%intermittently as eager parents take pictures of their kids, unaware that
426%the flashes are immensely distracting. (And useless beyond 15 feet.)
427%>>> Lisa's solo
428%Brian Heil @{bh3} makes
428%another interesting note about the concert and Lisa's sax solo: ``I haven't
428%paid close enough attention in the past to say if Lisa is lefthanded, but I
428%assume she is, seeing the way she held the saxophone. Of course lefthanded
428%sax players hold it the same way as righthanded players... in fact it is nearly
428%impossible to play a sax as it was pictured!''
429%>>> Todd's solo
430%Theron Stanford @{tws} identifies Todd's solo as `My Heart at Thy Sweet Voice'
430%from the opera ``Samson and Delilah'' by Camille Saint-Sa\"ens.
431%Alan J Rosenthal @{ajr} notes that Todd's bowing was very odd. When he held
431%a note, he stopped the bow movement. Of course, this would stop the sound.
432%>> Butchered in America
433%Scenes were removed from the original US airing to make room for the ``Do
433%the Bart Man'' video on first airing, then again for a Gulf War Update
433%when the episode repeated. Canadians received a full episode.
434%One cut scene involved the introduction of a female truck driver at the
434%monster truck rally. Note Lisa, ``Another barrier broken.''
435%> Boring distribution restrictions
436%Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1993 by Raymond Chen.
436%Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
436%(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
436%and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
436%I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)
437%Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion]
437%Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
437%Bart: She took my glue!
437%Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue!
437%Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take
437% your glue away and then will have any glue to glue with.
437%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
438%Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality.
438% He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
438%Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it.
438%Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here.
438%Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.
438%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
439%Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose.
439%Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak.
439%Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his
439% own medicine. Ha ha.
439%Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill.
439%Announcer 1: Ha ha. Wait, what did... Did what I say make sense?
439%Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill.
439%Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt.
439%Announcer 2: What are you taling about, Bill?
439%-- Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
440%Son, this is a tradition. If they start building a balloon for every
440%flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a FARCE.
440%-- Homer watches the Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart,
440% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
440% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
441%It's broken, Mom. ... Mom, it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en,
441%Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en....
441%-- Bart `helps out' in the kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
442%See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys, Daddy's
442%favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half
442%points. Understand?
442%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
443%Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.
443%-- Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
444%Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the
444% well-groomed go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!'
444%Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude!
444%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you
444% to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth,
444% the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!
444%-- Football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
445%Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh,
445%happy news. The following people have relatives who wished they could
445%be here today...
445%-- At the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
446%I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing...
446%You never do anything right.
446%-- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
447%Thank you! You're super! Be good to each other!
447%-- `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show,
447% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
448%In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything'
448%leaves the field! Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures
448%to work, but nobody seems to care!
448%-- Announcer for the halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
449%Holy moley! That's the biggest... one of those things I ever saw!
449%-- Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece,
449% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
450%And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
450%safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
450%Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
450%love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what
450%happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the
450%universe or what!
450%-- Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
451%I saw the best meals of my generation
451%destroyed by the madness of my brother.
451%My soul carved in slices
451%by spikey-haired demons.
451%-- `Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
452%Cool! The wrong side of the tracks!
452%-- Bart crosses the railroad tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
453%Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!
453%-- Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
454%Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID.
454%Bart: Here ya go, doll-face.
454%Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax.
454%Bart: Ow!
454%-- Bart gives blood to make some money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
455%At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing:
455%I'm sorry I came.
455%-- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
456%Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything.
456% It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
456%Homer: [sycophantically] Yes, Dad.
456%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
457%Twelve bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out]
457%-- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
458%All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!
458%-- Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks,
458% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
459%Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers,
459% scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter,
459% or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way
459% place. Oh, we have our reasons. They're depressing, they wear
459% ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``crazy'',
459% they smell bad.
459%Guy: Hey, listen, man.
459%Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.
459%-- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen,
459% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
460%Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written.
460%Grampa: Sounds interesting.
460%Homer: Oh, okay.
460%Lisa: Ahem. `Howl of the Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson. Ahem.
460% `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television]
460%Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart!
460%-- Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
461%Kent: And how long have you been on the streets?
461%Bart: Going on five years, Kent.
461%Kent: Ah. Son, your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like
461% to say to them?
461%Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha ha! I didn't apologize!
461%-- Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
462%Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
462%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
463%If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and
463%collect my insurance!
463%-- Grampa rushes back to the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
464%Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't
464% blame ourselves.
464%Homer: We can and will!
464%Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.
464%-- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
465%Marge: Now we can blame him for everything!
465%Homer: It's your fault I'm bald!
465%Bart: [meekly] I'm sorry.
465%Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!
465%Bart: I'm sorry!
465%Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk!
465%Bart: I'm sorry!
465%Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way!
465%Bart: I'm sorry!
465%All: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!
465%-- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
466%Whoa! My whiffle balls! My frisbees! My wire rackets!
466%I've hit the jackpot!
466%-- Bart climbs to the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
467%Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because
467%I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already
467%that I don't... know... [sobs]
467%-- Lisa writes in her diary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
468%Lisa: Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried!
468%Bart: Really? Did they cry?
468%Lisa: Yes.
468%Bart: Whoa! Bulls-eye!
468%-- Lisa joins Bart on the roof after his brief career as a runaway,
468% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
469%I don't know! I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I enjoyed it!
469%And I don't know why I'll do it again!
469%-- Bart doesn't apologize to Lisa, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
470%You know, Marge? We're great parents!
470%-- Homer watches Bart apologize to Lisa on the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
471%Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family
471% one more crack at togetherness.
471%All: Amen.
471%-- Homer says grace at the second Thanksgiving dinner,
471% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
472%One o'clock. Still just a potato.
472%-- Bart's science project, ``Dead Putting Society''
473%There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all.
473%Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, `elfgrass'.
473%-- Homer defending crabgrass against Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
474%Homer: Marge, Where's the Duff!?!
474%Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
474%Homer: D'oh!
474%Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
474%Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!!
474%-- Homer needs refreshment while mowing the lawn, ``Dead Putting Society''
475%Ned: Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland.
475%Homer: Well, buggers can't be choosy.
475%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
476%Homer: All right, knock it off!
476%Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
476%Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!
476% Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from
476% away, than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's
476% ...
476%Ned: [gasp!]
476%Homed: ... is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
476%Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I hope you
476% understand.
476%Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [finishes his beer, then leaves]
476% [returns] One for the road. [takes a club sandwich and leaves]
476%-- a friendly visit to the Flanders rumpus room, ``Dead Putting Society''
477%Homer: Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff...
477%Marge: What exactly did he say?
477%Homer: Get this. He said, uh, he said...
477% Well, it wasn't so much what he said; it was how he said it.
477%Marge: Well, how did he say it?
477%Homer: Well, he...
477%Marge: Was he angry?
477%Homer: No.
477%Marge: Was he rude?
477%Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it, either.
477%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Dead Putting Society''
478%I drag him over here, have a few beers... You can't blame him for erupting.
478%-- Ned Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
479%Mrs. Lovejoy: Honey, wake up. Honey, it sounds like Ned Flanders is
479% having some sort of crisis.
479%Rev. Lovejoy: Oh. Probably stepped on a worm...
479%-- Flanders calls in the middle of the night, ``Dead Putting Society''
480%Ned: I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19.
480%Rev.L: Huh?
480%Ned: Love thy neighbor.
480%Rev.L: Oh, Matthew nineteen, yeah, right, right.
480%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
481%Homer: [reading Ned's letter] ``You are my brother.''
481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [giggle]
481%Homer: ``I love you.''
481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [laugh]
481%Homer: ``And yet, I feel a great sadness...'' [tries to stifle a giggle]
481% ``... in my bosom.''
481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [finally lose it and laugh uproariously]
481%-- Reading Ned's letter of apology, ``Dead Putting Society''
482%Read the `bosom' part again, Dad!
482%-- Lisa, ``Dead Putting Society''
483%Bosom.
483%-- Bart, ``Dead Putting Society''
484%Mm. I going to wash my hair...
484%-- Marge, after Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing,
484% ``Dead Putting Society''
485%Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair.
485% If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor.
485%Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
485%-- Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, ``Dead Putting Society''
486%Play it where it lays, Homer.
486%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
487%Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit.
487%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
488%Todd: Hi Bart!
488%Bart: Get bent.
488%-- friendly greetings at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
489%Ned: Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there.
489%Homer: That shot's impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
489%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
490%Bart: Final score. Bart, forty-one. Homer... let's see...
490% six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus...
490%Homer: Never mind!
490%-- leaving the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
491%Todd: Wow! First prize fifty dollars!
491%Bart: Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters!
491%-- A matter of perspective, ``Dead Putting Society''
492%Ned: So, my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament?
492%Homer: Yeah, he's entering.
492% And what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy?
492%Bart: I guess it's possible...
492%Ned: Hey hey, I like that confidence.
492%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
493%Oh yeah? Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins
493%any day of the week! C'mon boy!
493%-- Homer tells off Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
494%Bart: But Dad! I've never won anything in my life!
494%Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is
494% okay to lose!
494%-- The ghost of Vince Lombardi? ``Dead Putting Society''
495%Keep your head down, follow through. [Bart putts and misses]
495%Okay, that didn't work. This time, move your head and don't follow through.
495%-- Homer giving putting advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
496%Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a baseball bat is
496% to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that...
496% the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.
496%Bart: What?
496%Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
496%Bart: Mister Putter.
496%Homer: D'oh.. You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's
496% name.
496%Bart: Mom.
496%Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!
496%Bart: Why?
496%Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy,
496% Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes
496% staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how
496% glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
496%Bart: Who's Charlene?
496%Homer: [raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it]
496% I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!
496%Bart: Grrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! [loses enthusiasm]
496%-- a pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
497%Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
497%Homer: And?
497%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
498%Marge: I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little
498% kiddie golf tournament.
498%Homer: But Marge, but this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. [sic]
498%Marge: Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
498%Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by
498% making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel
498% good about themselves!
498%-- Marge concerned over Homer's tactics, ``Dead Putting Society''
499%Bart: Hey Lis, whaddya call those guys in chess that don't matter.
499%Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're
499% referring to a pawn.
499%Bart: Right. I am a pawn.
499%Lisa: Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little
499% to no interest in almost everything I do.
499% Bart, I think I can help you.
499%-- Lisa offers some sisterly advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
500%Golf... `Anecdotes'... `Eisenhower and'... `fishing'... `humor'...
500%`Japanese obsession with'... Ah, here it is... `Putting'.
500%-- Lisa, looking through card catalog under `Golf', ``Dead Putting Society''
501%Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
501%Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
501%Bart: Oh... heh, heh... gotcha! [wink]
501%-- in the library, ``Dead Putting Society''
502%Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
502%Bart: Okay.
502%Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
502%Bart: You got it.
502%Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
502%Bart: Done.
502%Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm saying!
502%Bart: True.
502%Lisa: Well, it's very annoying!
502%Bart: I'll bet.
502%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
503%Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
503%Bart: Piece of cake. [claps with one hand]
503%Lisa: No, Bart, it's a 3000-year-old riddle with no anwer.
503% It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
503%Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up! [claps with one hand]
503%-- Solving unsolved problems, ``Dead Putting Society''
504%Lisa: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound?
504%Bart: Absolutely! [makes the sound of a tree falling]
504%Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it.
504%Bart: Wooooooo...
504%Lisa: [hands Bart his putter] It is time.
504%-- Bart finally gets it, ``Dead Putting Society''
505%Lisa: The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have
505% to do is hit the ball... here.
505% [Tap] [Clunk-clunk] [Clunk-clunk] [Duh-dunk]
505%Bart: I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry!
505%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
506%Ned: May the best man win.
506%Homer: ``May the best man win.'' The mating call of the loser!
506%-- From one who should know, ``Dead Putting Society''
507%Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.
507%-- Ned Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
508%Homer: Keep your left arm straight, Bart! Rotate your shoulders!
508%Lisa+Bart: Daaaad!
508%Homer: Look son, all I'm asking is that you try.
508%Bart: Ok, I'll try.
508%Homer: D'oh! Anybody can try! I want you to !
508%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
509%Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke.
509%-- Homer reads the morning paper, ``Dead Putting Society''
510%Lisa: Eighth hole.
510%Bart: Aim for the octopus, third tentacle.
510%Lisa: Twelfth hole.
510%Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
510%Lisa: Nirvanha.
510%Bart: A state of bliss obtained through the extinction of the self.
510%-- pre-game drills, ``Dead Putting Society''
511%Lisa: Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she
511% wins the Kentucky Derby.
511%Homer: Newsflash, Lisa, Bart is not a horse!
511%-- the breakfast table the day of the contest, ``Dead Putting Society''
512%Hello everybody, and welcome to the finale of what has already been
512%a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. The cream has risen. The
512%wheat has bid farewell to the chaff. And now, we approach the
512%championship match where but two warriors remain: The heretofore
512%unknown Bart Simpson and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled
512%ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade.
512%-- K.B.B.L. announcer, ``Dead Putting Society''
513%Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself,
513% I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. Here goes.
513% I believe in you.
513%Bart: Thanks, man.
513%-- pre-game pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
514%Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and
514%we can't win.
514%-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society''
515%Homer: This time tomorrow, you'll be wearing high heels!
515%Ned: Nope, will.
515%Homer: 'Fraid not.
515%Ned: 'Fraid so!
515%Homer: 'Fraid not.
515%Ned: 'Fraid so!
515%Homer: 'Fraid not infinity!
515%Ned: 'Fraid so infinity plus one!
515%Homer: D'oh!
515%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
516%If one looks up courage in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very
516%well come upon a photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final
516%hole in the shadow of the Great Emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes
516%on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant; he will
516%drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in
516%this oft cruel game.
516%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
517%Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said:
517% If you lose you're out of the family!
517%Marge: Homer! [slap]
517%Homer: Ow.
517%-- words of encouragement during the golf match, ``Dead Putting Society''
518%Bart: This is pretty tense, isn't it, Todd.
518%Todd: Yeah, my knees are shaking, I got butterflies in my stomach...
518% But I guess this builds character.
518%Bart: Who wants to build character? Let's quit!
518%Todd: Okay.
518%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
519%This is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since
519%Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.
519%-- Tearful announcer, ``Dead Putting Society''
520%Mm. My best dress...
520%-- Marge watches Homer mow the lawn in her Sunday dress,
520% ``Dead Putting Society''
521%Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
521%-- Lisa watching Homer mow the lawn in Marge's dress, ``Dead Putting Society''
522%Marge: [making pork chops]
522% A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram...
522%Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
522%Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.
522% [continues her work]
522% A sprinkle of chervil, a teaspoon of tumeric, and a whisper of MSG.
522%-- How much care am I supposed to add? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
523%Homer: Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack.
523%Marge: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
523%Homer: It's no trouble! I got a whole of tools I never use!
523%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
524%Ah, here it is. The complete handyman's bookshelf. Volume 1: Spice racks.
524%-- Homer sets to work to build a spice rack, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
525%Bart: Hey Dad, can you move your head?
525%Homer: No, I can't. It's broken...
525%-- Is it in a cast? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
526%Maggie: [picks up a pencil] [wacko `Psycho' music plays]
526%Homer: Aaaaaaaaagh!
526%Marge: [picks up Maggie] No, Maggie, bad baby!
526%Homer: Keep her away from me, Marge!
526% She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!
526%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
527%Marge: You won't be watching these cartoons any more. Ever.
527%Lisa: But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense
527% of humor and be robots.
527%Bart: Really? What kind of robots?
527%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
528%You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ...
528%I told you! My baby beat me up! ...
528%No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ...
528%[sotto voce] Wise guy.
528%-- Homer phones in sick after, well, you know, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
529%Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
529%Homer: [laughs]
529%Marge: Mm...
529%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
530%Dear purveyors of senseless violence:
530%I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you
530%show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way.
530%Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine
530%programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
530%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
531%Myers: Take a letter, Miss White.
531% Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy
531% and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of
531% America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection.
531% In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research
531% shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big
531% a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
531%Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on?
531% I'll show them what one screwball can do!
531%-- A letter from the CEO, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
532%Marge: [through a megaphone]
532% How many of you were hit on the heads with mallets last week?
532% [crowd murmurs]
532% [man with head bandaged raises his hand]
532% [another man with head bandaged raises his hand]
532% [and a whole bunch more]
532%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
533%Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler!
533%Lisa: There's peas !
533%-- The infamous TV dinners, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
534%D'oh! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
534%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
535%Krusty: Hi Kids! [laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel!
535%Mel: [slide whistle three times]
535%Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
535%Kids: [really, parents] Boo!
535%Krusty: Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will
535% have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment, again.
535%-- Krusty faces Kancellation, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
536%Marge: What do we want?
536%Crowd: Less and less violence in children's programming!
536%Marge: When do we want it?
536%Crowd: Now!
536%-- We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more,
536% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
537%Meyers: That screwball Marge Simpson, we've got to stop her. But how?
537%Man #1: Drop an anvil on her?
537%Man #2: Hit her on the head with a piano.
537%Woman: Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
537%Meyers: All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do?
537% You make me sick!
537%All: [agree meekly]
537%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
538%You know, some of these stories are pretty good.
538%I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
538%-- Homer watches Itchy and Scratchy, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
539%Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of `Smartline'.
539%Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, ``No, of
539%course not, what kind of stupid question is that?''
539%-- The value of objectivity in reporting, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
540%Joining us live, via satellite from Vienna, home of Sigmund Freud, the
540%world's greatest psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind,
540%Dr. Marvin Monroe.
540%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
540% [Does that make Freud or Monroe the world's greatest psychologist?]
541%Meyers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing...
541% There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
541%Kent: I see. Fascinating.
541%Meyers: Yeah, and know something, Karl? The Crusades, for instance.
541% Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went
541% on for thirty years.
541%Kent: And this was before cartoons were invented?
541%Meyers: That's right, Kent.
541%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
542%Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales
542%in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into
542%every day. I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning,
542%sexaholism, stuff like that.
542%-- Dr. Marvin Monroe on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
543%Kent: For another opinion...
543%Krusty: [laughs] Hi, kids! [laughs]
543%Kent: Krusty, please. We're giving you the opportunity to participate in
543% a serious discussion, here.
543%Krusty: Oh, I'm sorry Kent. Just that when the camera gets on me, I just...
543% Hey! [throws a custard pie in his own face] [honks horn]
543%Kent: Krusty!
543%Krusty: [honks horn] [cowers]
543%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
544%Meyers: [explaining on the phone]
544% Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and...
544%Animator: Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
544%Meyers: [to animator] Okay, a pie!
544% [to Marge] Anyway, Scratchy is understandable upset.
544%Marge: Uh huh.
544%Meyers: So we figured he could just, you know, grab Itchy and toss him into
544% a bucket of acid.
544%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
545%Marge: Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?
545% Then they would have pie!
545%Meyers: [walks to storyboard, considers, steps back]
545% It's different, I'll give you that...
545%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
546%Announcer: It's a tool that every home handyman needs!
546% It's a jigsaw! It's a power drill! It's a wood-turning lathe!
546% It's an asphalt spreader! It's 67 tools in one!
546% How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
546%Homer: One thousand dollars!
546%Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet...
546%Homer: Oh, sorry.
546%Announcer: Because you also get...
546%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
547%They love! They share!
547%They share and love and share!
547%Love, love, love!
547%Share, share, share!
547%The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
547%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
548%Lisa: Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge...
548%Marge: Well, I think it conveys a very nice message about sharing.
548%Bart: I think it sucks.
548%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
549%Marge: Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
549%Bart: Naah. Come on, Li.
549%Lisa: Maybe there's something else to do on this planet...
549%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
550%Krusty: Hi, kids! [laughs]
550% [sees empty studio]
550% Huh? Is it Saturday?
550%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
551%Artist: This will be the art even of the century. The greatest
551% masterpiece of the Italian renaissance, Michelangelo's David,
551% on a coast-to-coast tour of United States.
551%Reporter: Uh, sir, which cities will be included on your itinerary?
551%Artist: Eh, New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago,
551% Boston, Los Angeles.
551%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
552%Helen: You've got to lead our protest against this abomination!
552% [shows newspaper article]
552%Marge: Mm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
552%Helen: [gasp] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body,
552% which, practical as they may be, are evil.
552%Marge: But I like that statue.
552%Helen: [gasp] I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity!
552% Come on, girls...
552%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
553%Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down?
553%That's our topic tonight on Smartline...
553%-- Kent Brockman, on the coming of Michelangelo's David to Springfield,
553% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
554%Kent: Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko?
554%Marge: Mm... Yes and no.
554%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
555%I guess one person make a difference, but most of the time,
555%they probably shouldn't.
555%-- Marge, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
556%I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight.
556%Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, ``Religion: Which is the one true
556%faith?''
556%-- Kent Brockman on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
557%Well, there he is. Michelangelo's `Dave'.
557%-- Homer admires Renaissance art, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
558%Homer: Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School
558% is going to come and see this thing.
558%Marge: Really? Why?
558%Homer: They're forcing 'em! [laughs]
558%-- On Michelangelo's `David', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
559%Smithers: I think the boy is hurt.
559%Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.
559%-- after... ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
560%Hey, cool, I'm dead.
560%-- Bart realizes he's dead, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
561%Please hold onto the handrail. Do not spit over the side.
561%[and repeated in Spanish]
561%-- Heavenly voice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
562%I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
562%-- Bart introduces himself to Satan, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
563%According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees
563%wins the pennant. That's nearly a century from now.
563%-- The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
564%Boy is my face red.
564%-- Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet,
564% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
565%Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
565%Satan: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
565%Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.
565%-- Bart leaves Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
566%Satan: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
566%Bart: Yes, sir!
566%-- Some parting advice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
567%Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.
567% Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
567%Homer: Ooh, classy.
567%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
568%Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe,
568% nothing serious.
568%Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots!
568%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
569%Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
569%Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?
569%-- Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
570%Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
570%-- Chasing a gurney down the corridor, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
571%Marge: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
571%Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first.
571%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
572%Homer: If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office
572% right now and...
572%Smithers: Simpson!
572%Homer: Aah!
572%Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
572%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
573%Ah, Simpson. At last we meet.
573%-- Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident,
573% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
574%Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!
574%Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw out.
574%-- Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent,
574% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
575%The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.
575%-- Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
576%Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah].
576%-- Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees,
576% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
577%Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement.
577%But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
577%-- Lionel Hutz, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
578%You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson.
578%You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace,
578%a $99 value, as our gift to you.
578%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
579%Just look at the X-rays! You see that dark spot there? Whiplash.
579%And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma!
579%-- `Doctor' Nick Riviera, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
580%With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's
580%not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera].
580%-- Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
581%Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma
581% in the facial area?
581%Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head] Just say when!
581%-- Bart is in the care of trained professionals, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
582%I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
582%-- In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
583%Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court
583% in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
583%Burns: You wouldn't dare!
583%Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.
583%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
584%Judge: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between
584% telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son?
584%Bart: Maybe.
584%Judge: Uh huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
584%Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No!
584%Bart: No.
584%-- Bart takes the witness stand, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
585%Defenseless child at three o'clock.
585%-- Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
586%Marge and Lisa: Mmm...
586%-- Reactings to Bart's ``Believable testimony'', ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
587%Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining.
587%I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys...
587%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
588%NOOOOOOOO!! TAKE ME!! I'M OLD!!
588%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
589%Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary
589%publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off
589%with a banana or two!
589%-- Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
590%Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth.
590%Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals.
590%Burn: Oh, I don't like everything about them. Just their heads.
590%-- Invited to the Burns mansion, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
591%Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
591%Burns: Yes.
591%-- A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
592%Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide,
592%twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds.
592%-- Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
593%Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing
593% but the truth, so help you God?
593%Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
593%Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
593%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
594%Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite
594% as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
594% [draws a giant zero]
594%Hutz: I think we should take it.
594%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
595%Homer: [thinks] A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
595%Marge: Homer? Would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
595%Homer: [thinks] Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous
595% snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you.
595%Marge: Some string beans?
595%Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing
595% back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you.
595%Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
595%Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you.
595%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
596%Moe: Oh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're
596% born to the day they die, they they're happy, but trust me.
596% They ain't.
596%Homer: [thinks] Moe. Wish he'd shut up.
596%-- Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case,
596% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
597%Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
597%-- Marge, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
598%Homer: [thinks to himself] She's been your wife for ten years, you've had
598% three children together, it's time to be honest with her.
598% [out loud] I'm not sure I love you any more.
598%Marge: Gasp!
598%Homer: But, don't worry. Uh, I'll never let on. I'll still do all the
598% bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.
598%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
599%All right, all right. Look at her if it'll shut her up.
599%Start with the feet. Still angry. Good! Good, Homer, good!
599%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
600%Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for will never die.
600%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
601%Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher.
601%One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing.
601%-- Moe, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
602%Homer: Is it done yet? Is it done yet?
602%Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
602%Homer: D'oh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?
602%-- Homer watches dinner cook, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
603%Four... three... two... one... Bing! We have meatloaf!
603%-- Homer watches dinner cook in the microwave,
603% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
604%I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa!
604%-- Homer serves dinner, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
605%Hm. Thursday. Meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
605%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
606%Homer: What are you getting at?
606%Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new
606% things, live life to the...
606%Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!
606%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
607%Marge: Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner.
607%Homer: Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed
607% pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87!
607%-- Marge suggests a change of pace, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
608%Hm. Friday night. Pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched
608%in stone and God's library somewhere in heaven...
608%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
609%Homer: Okay, okay, where do want to go?
609%Lisa: Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken!
609%Homer: Fine! We'll go to Mars!
609%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
610%Marge: Mm, there's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street...
610%Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on
610% the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
610%Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point
610% entirely.
610%-- Marge suggests the family go to a Japanese restaurant,
610% `One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
611%Marge: Please, Homer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar]
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
611%Homer: If I said `no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to
611% say `yes' the second time?
611%Lisa: Nothing, but you may say `yes' the ninety-ninth time.
611%Homer: Oh? Try me.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: Oh, okay, okay.
611%-- If at first you don't succeed, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
612%This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping
612%with drunken Japanese businessmen.
612%-- Restaurant hostess, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
613%Bart: Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel.
613%Akira: Very good.
613%Bart: Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths?
613%Akira: Not today.
613%-- At the Japanese restaurant, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
614%Come on, pal! Fugu me!
614%-- Homer snaps at Akira the waiter, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
615%Apprentice: But master, we need your skilled hands.
615%Master chef: My skilled hands are busy!
615%-- The master chef making the pretzel with Mrs. Krabappel,
615% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
616%Fan-fugu-tastic!
616%-- Homer eats some fugu, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
617%No need to panic. There is a map to the hospital on the back of menu.
617%-- Apprentice chef at the Japanese restaurant,
617% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
618%Dr. H: You have twenty-four hours to live.
618%Homer: Twenty-four hours!
618%Dr. H: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.
618%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
619%Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all
619%until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes.
619%-- Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu,
619% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
620%Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through
620% five stages. The first is denial.
620%Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge]
620%Dr. H: The second is anger.
620%Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H]
620%Dr. H: After that comes fear.
620%Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear? [cringes]
620%Dr. H: Bargaining.
620%Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
620%Dr. H: Finally, acceptance.
620%Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
620%Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
620%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
621%Homer: Marge! Why did you let me sleep so late?
621%Marge: You looked so peaceful lying there.
621%Homer: There'll be plenty of time for that!
621%-- Homer oversleeps to begin his final day on this earth,
621% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
622%I want to share something with you:
622%The three little sentences that will get you through life.
622% Number 1: [whispers] Cover for me.
622% Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
622% Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
622%-- Homer tells Bart the secret, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
623%Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares,
623%and stick one there... and there... and any place you're bleeding...
623%there... and there... Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on
623%your face.
623%-- Homer teaches Bart how to shave, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
624%Oh I want to be in that rumba
624%When the saints go over there!
624%-- Homer sings to Lisa's sax playing,
624% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
625%Ned: Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy.
625%Homer: Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it.
625%Ned: Heh heh, no sirree-bob!
625%-- Homer borrows Ned's camcorder, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
626%Homer: I'll even bring the thickest juciest T-bones you've ever seen.
626%Ned: Mm mm. Sounds terrif!
626%Homer: Heh, the joke's on him! I'll be dead by then!
626%-- Ned invites Homer over for a cookout,
626% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
627%Ahem. This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie! I'm
627%speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooooo! Hee hee hee, hope
627%that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown-up now, and unless
627%you've taped over this, you're probably wondering what sort of man
627%your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who
627%loved his children and... [phone rings] D'oh! [answers] Hello!
627%Yeah, he's here, who is this? [scratches his butt] ... Bart's friend
627%Millhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here!
627%-- Homer tries to make a tape for Maggie,
627% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
628%Homer: Dad, we've never been too close, have we.
628%Grampa: Not to my knowledge.
628%Homer: Never one went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.
628%Grampa: We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. Whatcher point?
628%-- Homer reconciles with his father,
628% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
629%Homer: [spots his harmonica-playing cell-mate]
629% That's sort of nice. What are you in for?
629%Man: Atmosphere.
629%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
630%Homer: [on the phone] You gotta help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
630%Barney: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
630% [waves across the street to Homer]
630% Hiya neighbor! I can see you!
630%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
631%Bart: Why are we all dressed up?
631%Marge: [staring out the window waiting for Homer]
631% Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner.
631%Lisa: Why are we using the good china?
631%Marge: Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china.
631%Bart: What's with the candles?
631%Marge: Sometimes it's fun to use candles.
631%Lisa: Why are we waiting for Dad?
631%Marge: Because we love your father and enjoy his company.
631%Bart: Why are we waiting for Dad?
631%-- Homer is late for the last dinner of his life,
631% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
632%Burns: [peering through binoculars]
632% Smithers! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
632% [staring at her red pumps]
632% That's it baby, work those ankles!
632%Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
632%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
633%Homer: Hey Burns! Eat! my! shorts!
633%Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?
633%Smithers: Why it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from sector 7-G.
633%Burns: Simpson, eh?
633%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
634%Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
634%Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
634%Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz?
634% Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! [realizes]
634% Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my
634% hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
634%-- Yet another phone prank, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
635%Moe, another last beer, please.
635%-- Homer, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
636%Moe: Please, not in public.
636%Man: You be dying!
636%Barney: Whoa! How European! [belch]
636%-- responses from the bar folk to Homer's good-bye kisses,
636% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
637%Marge: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called,
637% `To a Husband'.
637%Homer: Okay, okay.
637%Marge: (Ahem.) The blackened clouds are forming.
637%Homer: Oh, give me a break, Marge.
637%Marge: Soon the rain will fall.
637% My dear one is departing.
637% But first, please heed this call.
637% That always will I love you,
637% My one, my love, my all.
637%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
638%Goodbye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.
638%Goodbye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud.
638%Goodbye, Bart. ... I like your sheets.
638%-- Homer tucks in his children one last time,
638% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
639%Hi, I'm Larry King.
639%In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...
639%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
640%... lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
640%Well, that's it. Old Fred [?] is standing by, we'll get some coffee,
640%we'll get some matzo-ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs,
640%by the way, if you're betting on the NBA this year, I think they'll
640%win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but... [closing music]
640%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
641%I'm alive! From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!
641%-- Homer realizes he's not dead after all,
641% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
642%Homer: Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up, or it'll hurt
642% your eyes.
642%Bart: It will not.
642%Homer: [makes a fist] Yes, it will...
642%-- ``The Way We Was''
643%Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state,
643% McBane. And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of
643% three of his bodyguards, and drove a bus through his front door?
643%McBane: But, Captain, I have prroof dat he is head of an international
643% drrug cartel!
643%Captain: I don't want to hear it, McBane! You're outta here!
643%McBane: [pushes the Captain out his office window, who falls into the
643% fountain in the plaza] Dat makes two of us.
643%-- Here's a typically brainless scene, ``The Way We Was''
644%Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery!
644% [bangs on the TV and the picture gets worse]
644%Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
644%-- ``The Way We Was''
645%Cheap Chinese TV, what did I ever buy it for...
645%-- Homer tries to fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
646%Homer: [fiddling with the back of the set] Is that better?
646%Lisa+Bart: NOOOO!
646%Homer: How's this? [picture gets worse]
646%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
646%Homer: Okay, everybody remain calm.
646% [gives the TV a big whack; picture disappears]
646%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
646%-- ``The Way We Was''
647%Dear God, just give me one channel! [dramatic camera angle]
647%-- Homer can't fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
648%I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.
648%-- Bart suffers through Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
649%Lisa: How did Dad propose to you?
649%Marge: Oh, well... [ flashback ]
649%Doctor: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
649% I think we've found the reason why you've been
649% throwing up in the morning.
649% Congratulations.
649%Homer: Doh! [ end of flashback ]
649%Marge: Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story ...
649%-- ``The Way We Was''
650%Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
650%Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
650%-- ``The Way We Was''
651%Friend: Don't you think you deserve to earn just as
651% much as a man who does the same job?
651%Marge: Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.
651%-- ``The Way We Was''
652%Barney: [bell rings] Oh no, we're late for wood shop!
652%Homer: But... we're early for lunch! Let's go grab a burger.
652%Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you never gain a pound.
652%Homer: It's my metabomolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
652%-- Life as a high school senior, ``The Way We Was''
653%Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from
653% these male-imposed shackles! [lights a bra] [foom]
653%Friend: I didn't think it would burn so fast.
653%Marge: Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.
653%-- ``The Way We Was''
654%Barney: Hey, Estelle? Will you go to the prom with me?
654%Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould!
654%Barney: Oh, shot down again...
654%Homer: Hey, don't worry, Barney, it's a big school. There's got to be a
654% girl nobody wants to take the the prom.
654%-- ``The Way We Was''
655%Homer: So, uh, what are you in for?
655%Marge: I'm a political prisoner. Last time ever take a stand...
655%Homer: Well, I'm here for being me.
655% Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
655%Teacher: Simpson, be quiet!
655%Homer: I haven't seen you in school before.
655%Teacher: Okay, Simpson,
655%Homer: What?
655%Teacher: You just bought yourself
655% another day of detention.
655%Homer: Maybe we should get together sometime.
655%Teacher: Two days!
655%Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
655%Homer: I'm Homer
655%Teacher: Three days!
655%Homer: J.
655%Teacher: Four days!
655%Homer: Simpson.
655%Teacher: Five days!
655%Homer: It was worth it!
655%Teacher: Six days!
655% Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room!
655% [ return to present ]
655%Lisa: So it was love a first sight!
655%Bart: It was a jailhouse romance, man!
655%Homer: I reached Step One: She knew I existed.
655% The only problem was, she didn't care.
655%-- The beginning of a beeootiful friendship? ``The Way We Was''
656%Grampa: What's the matter, boy?
656%Homer: Nothing.
656%Grampa: You haven't said poo all night and usually I have to wrestle the
656% bucket [of `Shakespeare's Fried Chicken'] out of your greasy mitts.
656%Homer: Dad, I'm in love.
656%Grampa: Uh oh! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
656%Homer: But Dad, I don't drink ...
656%Grampa: Cut the crap!
656% [in a mocking voice] I just collect the cans, Daddy.
656% [in his normal voice] Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.
656% Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker?
656%Homer: Uh huh.
656%Grampa: A lot on the ball? [ie, intelligent?]
656%Homer: Yeah.
656%Grampa: Oh, Son, don't overreach!
656% Go for the DENTED car,
656% the DEAD-END end job,
656% the LESS ATTRACTIVE girl.
656% Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago.
656%Homer: Thanks, Pop.
656%-- Grampa's three words of advice, ``The Way We Was''
657%Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.
657%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
658%I just met this girl Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to like me.
658%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
659%The only advice I can give you is, uh,
659%try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend.
659%-- Guidance counselor dispenses advice, ``The Way We Was''
660%Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
660%Homer: Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT.
660%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Was We Was''
661%Heh, heh, Imagine me in a nuclear power plant. KaBOOM!
661%-- Homer thinks about life after graduation, ``The Way We Was''
662%Homer: My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something.
662%Mrs. B: Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
662%Homer: Debate, like, arguing?
662%Mrs. B: Yes.
662%Homer: I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT!
662% Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
662%-- Homer tries to share interests with Marge, ``The Way We Was''
663%Mrs. B: This year's topic is
663% `Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered
663% to 55 miles per hour.'
663%Homer: 55? That's ridiculous!
663% Sure, it'll save a few lives,
663% but millions will be late!
663%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
664%Homer: Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me?
664%Artie: Ignoramus?
664%Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!
664%Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
664%Homer: Not to me, there isn't!
664%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
665%Mrs.B: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
665%Homer: With pleasure. [turns around and moons the class]
665%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
666%Look, I'm not asking you to like me,
666%I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position
666%where I can touch your goodies,
666%I'm just asking you to be fair.
666%-- Homer smooth-talks Marge, ``The Way We Was''
667%Barney: Wanna go to the prom with me?
667%Girl: Good God, no!
667%Barney: Well-put.
667%-- Negative feedback, ``The Way We Was''
668%Bart: Great story. [bangs TV]
668% Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV]
668% [to TV] Damn you.
668%Homer: Bart! Pay attention,
668% you may be telling this to your son if something breaks.
668%-- ``The Way We Was'' [double entendre alert]
669%Ooh. [spots hairs in his brush] Lost a few.
669%Well, there are plenty more where that came from.
669%-- Teenage Homer isn't worried about male pattern baldness, ``The Way We Was''
670%Homer: Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents
670%Marge: Consonants.
670%Homer: consonants, with your beautiful mouth,
670% your beautiful breath pushing past
670% your beautiful teeth...
670%-- ``The Way We Was''
671%So will you go out with me? Please say `Oui'.
671%-- Homer to Marge after a French lesson, ``The Way We Was''
672%Homer: My tux is going to have the widest lapels, the most
672% ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw!
672%Marge: And maybe I'll wear my hair ... up.
672%-- Marge accepts Homer's invitation to the prom, ``The Way We Was''
673%Get off the edge of your seat.
673%They got married, had kids, and bought a cheap TV, okay?
673%-- Bart fails to enjoy Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
674%Artie: Would you go to the prom with me?
674%Marge: Oh,
674%Artie: I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.
674% Now the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974 ...
674%-- ``The Way We Was''
675%Mrs.B: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow.
675% A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
675%Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
675%Mrs.B: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
675%-- ``The Way We Was''
676%Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
676%Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out.
676% [Or maybe Patty and Selma. It's hard to tell.]
676%-- ``The Way We Was''
677%Homer: You said you'd go the prom with me.
677%Marge: I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then.
677%Homer: I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from
677% you completely, even though it meant skipping school
677% for three weeks and graduating this summer. I hope.
677%-- ``The Way We Was''
678%Wait a second. Is that a bong-g? [student points at his throat]
678%You have asthma? All right. Move along.
678%-- Mr. Dondelinger chaperones the prom, ``The Way We Was''
679%Hello, classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy,
679%you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you.
679%-- Artie Ziff's acceptance speech, ``The Way We Was''
680%Driver: Well, where to now, Romeo?
680%Homer: Inspiration point.
680%Driver: Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
680%-- Homer goes (alone) to Inspiration Point, ``The Way We Was''
681%Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it
681% if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands.
681% Not so much for myself,
681% but I am so respected,
681% it would damage the TOWN to hear it.
681% Good night.
681%Marge: Yeah, right.
681%-- ``The Way We Was''
682%You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life.
682%-- Mr. Bouvier, ``The Way We Was''
683%The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live.
683%I will now read them in no particular order.
683%-- Moses, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
684%I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!
684%-- Flanders is upset at the cable TV hook-up man,
684% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
685%So you've decided to steal cable.
685%Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
685%Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
685% which makes it okay.
685%-- Homer reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
685% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
686%It's funny 'cause it's true.
686%-- Homer laughs at a stand-up routine, [inside joke alert!]
686% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
687%I have an announcement to make: The Simpsons have cable!
687%-- Homer's important announcement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
688%Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before.
688% You really think we can afford it?
688%Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
688%-- The Simpsons have cable! ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
689%Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
689%Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less
689% and are repeated ad nauseum.
689%Hmm I don't know.
689%-- Marge reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
689% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
690%TV: Hear Me Roar, the Network for Women.
690% In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid
690% bill in half by making your own band-aids.
690%Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
690%TV: Now before we begin, you need five yards of sterilized cotton...
690%-- Something for everyone on cable, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
691%Homer: Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
691% You know, down there, it's a sport. ...
691%Bart: Ooh, this is where Jaws eats the boat. ...
691% Ooh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window. ...
691% Ho ho, this is where Wall Street gets arrested, ha ha. ...
691%TV: ``Mr Speaker, if I could call your attention to the
691% retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill,
691% I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and...''
691%Homer: They must think people will watch anything...
691%TV: ``Live, from New Orleans, this is the World Series of cock-fighting!
691% Oh, son-of-a-gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.'' ...
691% [time passes]
691% ``We could get there quicker if I borrowed Dad's car.''
691% ``I don't know, Davey...''
691%-- Watching cable all night, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
692%Rev. Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks
692% he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his
692% instant pizza-pie.
692%Homer: Ooh, pizza. [licks his lips]
692%-- Sunday sermon, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
693%Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell.
693%Kids: Ooh.
693%Bart: All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness.
693% we get to the good stuff.
693%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
694%Miss Allbright: Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms
694% your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll
694% be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact,
694% if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.
694%Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright.
694%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
694%Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
694%M.A.: No.
694%Bart: [raises his hand]
694%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
694%Bart: Are there pirates in hell?
694%M.A.: Yes. Thousands of them.
694%Bart: [rubs hands] Hoo hoo, baby!
694%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
695%Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
695%Bart: Hell.
695%Homer: Bart!
695%Bart: But that's what we learned about.
695% I sure as HELL can't tell you we learned about HELL
695% unless I say HELL, can't I?
695%Homer: Well, the lad has a point.
695%Bart: Hell, yes!
695%Marge: Bart!
695%Bart: [singing] Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, ...
695%Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
695%-- Coming home from church, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
696%Troy: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as
696% `Cry, Yuma' and `Here Comes the Coast Guard'! But today I'd like
696% to tell you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans
696% and straightens your teeth!
696%Homer: Oh, goodie! A program-length advertisement!
696%Woman: [methodically] Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused.
696% Did you say, cleans straightens?
696%Troy: There's no confusion, Tina. Just good science. Ladies and
696% gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
696%Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody!
696%Studio audience: Hi, Dr. Nick Riviera!
696%-- The `I Can't Believe They Invented It!' show,
696% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
697%Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh.
697% It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL!
697%Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out]
697%Marge: What's gotten into Lisa?
697%Bart: Beats the HELL out of me!
697%Homer: Bart!
697%-- Lisa's conscience speaks, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
698%Lisa: Mom, what are you doing?
698%Marge: What, what do you mean?
698%Lisa: Don't you remember the eighth commandment?
698%Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um,
698% graven images, something about covet...
698%Lisa: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!
698%-- Marge eats two grapes in the supermarket,
698% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
699%If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it
699%someplace else ... We've got it! On the Blockbuster Channel!
699%-- TV advertisement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
700%Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
700%Homer: [sotto voce] Oh, great...
700% [speaking up] All right, what makes you say that?
700%Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
700%Homer: Well, DUH.
700%Lisa: But everybody does it.
700% I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
700%Homer: Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning,
700% did you pay for it?
700%Lisa: No.
700%Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
700%Lisa: No, I didn't.
700%Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!
700%Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
700%Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
700%-- There, I've run rings around you logically,
700% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
701%It's Watson-Tatum 2. This time... it's for money!
701%-- `The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out',
701% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
702%How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness!
702%-- Homer on the wonders of cable TV, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
703%Len: Hey, big fight coming up.
703%Karl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round
703% updates on the radio?
703%Len: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the
703% still photos on the 11-o'clock news.
703%Karl: Not too shabby!
703%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
704%Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones in sector 7-G.
704%-- Smithers to Mr. Burns, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
705%Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir?
705%Burns: Permission granted.
705%Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy, ...
705%Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
705%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
706%I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds.
706%-- Apu excited about watching the upcoming fight,
706% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
707%Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family,
707% that would be stealing?
707%Rev.: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
707%Lisa: I see.
707%-- A clarification from Reverend Lovejoy,
707% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
708%TV: You're watching `Top Hat Entertainment'. Adult programming
708% all day, every day. (Except in Florida and Utah.)
708% Coming up next, `Stardust Mammaries'...
708%Bart: Aye, Carumba!
708%Homer: Bart!
708%Bart: Dad! [He didn't yell `Homer!']
708%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
709%Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for
709%mommies and daddies who love each other very much.
709%-- Homer catches Bart watching an adult cable channel,
709% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
710%Lisa: Hi, Dad.
710% I think stealing cable is wrong,
710% so I am choosing not to watch it
710% in the hopes that others will follow my example.
710% That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
710% Thank you for your time.
710%Homer: Hey, Lisa... `Racing From Belmont'? Horsies!
710%Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
710%-- Lisa takes the high ground, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
711%There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral.
711%Why can't she be more like ... well, not like Bart...
711%-- Homer muses on Lisa's moral posturing,
711% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
712%The cable stays! The foot has spoken!
712%-- Homer puts his foot down, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
713%Homer: Hey, how'd you get in here?
713%Man: Oh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way.
713%-- Homer finds a man in his living room,
713% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
714%Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere.
714%And I'm not talking about the small forgiveable stuff.
714%-- Homer installs bars on the windows,
714% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
715%Bart: Come one, come all! Top Hat Theater is on the air!
715% The most beautiful women in the world!
715% Just fifty cents!
715% I am your host, Bart Simpson!
715% (Must be at least eight years old to enter.)
715%TV: And now, the `Top Hat' channel is honored to present...
715% `Broadcast Nudes'.
715%Gang: Oooooohh...
715%Millhouse: Gross!
715%Martin: Yet strangely compelling...
715%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
716%Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
716%-- Bart is caught watching a cable porn channel, [Burger King alert!]
716% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
717%Here, I brought some imported generic beer.
717%-- Barney brings a gift, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
718%Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer. I brought an assortment of jerkys.
718%Homer: Oh, did you swipe those from work?
718%Apu: Certainly not. What has been implied here?
718%-- Apu arrives to watch the fight on Homer's stolen cable TV,
718% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
719%I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching
719%this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.
719%-- Lisa refuses to watch stolen cable,
719% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
720%Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!
720%-- Homer yells at Lisa who simply stares at him,
720% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
721%Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
721%Bart: Borrowed?
721%Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work.
721%-- Panicking when Mr. Burns arrives, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
722%Will you quit staring at me like that!?
722%-- Homer to Lisa who is staring innocently at Homer from outside,
722% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
723%Cop: Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup.
723%Homer: No! No, I... It wasn't me. It was my wife. My wife's idea.
723% Yeah, yeah, ...
723%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
724%When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end,
724%they will do the right thing.
724%-- Marge to Lisa, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
725%Announcer: The challenger learned how to fight in the notorious province[?]
725% of Capital City, and honed his skills while serving time for
725% aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.
725%Barney: Awright! A local boy!
725%Tatum: For five years, I was incarcerated, away from my family, and
725% the mothers [sic] of my children...
725%-- Watching the pre-fight hype, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
726%I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that
726%I've made a couple of really important decisions.
726%Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and
726%Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.
726%-- Homer, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
727%Lisa: Dad, we may have saved your soul.
727%Announcer: [from the TV inside] Tatum is reeling from the champ's
727% exquisite hailing...
727%Homer: Yeah, at the worst possible time!
727%-- Cutting the cable hook-up, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
728%Apu: What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
728%Burns: Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett
728% fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen
728% rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than
728% fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!
728%-- After watching the big fight, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
729%Dad, I beg you to reconsider.
729%Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin!
729%-- Bart begs Homer not to cut the cable hook-up,
729% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
730%Marge: Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
730%Lisa: I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.
730%-- Lisa wakes up ill, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
731%Homer: Maaarge, the dog is hungry.
731%Marge: Well, then, feed him.
731%Homer: Yeees, Master.
731%-- Do I have to do everything around here? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
732%Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa[?] stays home, stay home.
732%Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
732%Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute...
732% [eyes dart madly as an indication of frantic neural activity]
732% If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa
732% stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
732%Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
732%-- There, I've run rings around you logically.
732% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
733%Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!
733%-- Bart telling Lisa how to enjoy being ill,
733% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
734%You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.
734%-- Apu shooing Santa's Little Helper away, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
735%You know, they've got the velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue,
735%built-in odometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity licence plates!
735%-- Ned Flanders showing off his `Assassins' sneakers,
735% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
736%Dr. Hibert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
736%Lisa: Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
736%Dr. Hibert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
736%-- Lisa is diagnosed with the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
737%Take a rest, have yourself a wowwipop.
737%-- Dr. Hibert's prescription for the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
738%Yello? ... Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? ... The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.
738%-- Homer learns on the phone that Lisa has the mumps,
738% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
739%The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.
739%-- Marge telling Lisa she is genetically programmed to know how to sew.
739% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
740%You just need to develop a callous. [pricks her finger and lights a lighter
740%under it] You see? Now a sewing finger, honey.
740%-- Marge showing Lisa how to sew, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
741%Homer: Oh, 125 bucks...
741% [Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head]
741%Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
741% spoil yourself...
741%Homer: But I can't afford to...
741%Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!
741%Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh.
741%-- Homer and his conscience? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
742%Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
742%Lisa: Ooh. Phonics, functions, vocabulary, ... remedial reading?
742% Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
742%Bart: D'oh!
742%-- Bart delivers Lisa's homework, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
743%Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
743%Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones!
743%Homer: D'oh!
743%Marge: 125 dollars?!?
743%Homer: Bart! [strangles Bart]
743%Bart: Wauuugh!
743%Marge: Homer!
743%Homer: D'oh!
743%-- Caught in the crossfire, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
744%Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
744%Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
744% a single fire.
744%Marge: Mmm...
744%-- Homer buys expensive sneakers, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
745%As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!
745%-- pitchman Troy McClure on `I Can't Believe They Invented It!'
745% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
746%Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
746%Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything...
746%-- finding a school for Santa's Little Helper,
746% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
747%Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
747%Miss Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and
747% change color, ever so slightly.
747%Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
747%Miss Winthrop: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that.
747% `Choke chain' is a misnomer.
747% Trust me. They are always breathing.
747%-- demonstrating the use of the choke chain, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
748%Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
748%Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out.
748% I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma,
748% and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.
748%-- watching a love scene on a TV soap opera, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
749%Woman: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.
749%Fr. McGrath: I was!
749%-- soap opera on television, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
750%I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
750%-- shoe store clerk, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
751%Girl: Aloha! Would you like a free sample?
751%Homer: The price is right! [stuffs them furiously into his mouth]
751% Mmm.. Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts.
751%Girl: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
751%Homer: Oh, so your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack
751% up the price! [as he talks, cookie crumbs splatter out of his
751% mouth, dirtying up his shirt] ... [meekly] Well, you win.
751%-- at the Cookie Collossus store, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
752%Look Mom, I've finished my patch.
752%It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
752%[cough cough]
752%On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school?
752%He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of
752%its beauty and soul.
752%And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy.
752%He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out
752%of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.
752%-- Lisa describes her contribution to the Bouvier Memory Quilt.
752% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
753%Marge: [weeping] My quilt! Six generations, ruined!
753%Homer: Now Marge, honey honey honey. Come on, come on, don't get upset.
753% It's not the end of the world. We all love that quilt,
753% but we can't get too attached to... OHH!!! MY COOKIE!!!
753%-- Homer tries to console Marge after Santa's Little Helper
753% chews up the quilt (and Homer's cookie) ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
754%Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting.
754%Bart: We never had a family meeting before...
754%Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
754%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
755%Lisa: I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
755%Marge: Mmm. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
755%Homer: You do? [taunting and dancing] Ha ha ha ha ha.
755%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
756%Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition,
756% but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the
756% way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it away?
756%Homer: [weeping] Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me,
756% I want you in my corner, honey.
756%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
757%``Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says `I Love You'
757%on command.''
757%-- advertisement for selling Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
758%Now... Sit!
758%I said, Sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away]
758%Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt.
758%See? He does exactly what I tell him.
758%-- Bart trying to demonstrate his control over the dog,
758% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
759%You son of a bitch. Good show!
759%-- Dog obedience instructor to Santa's Little Helper,
759% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
760% Buddy -- Ran away from home.
760% Lao Tzu -- Ate poison toad: now in a coma.
760%Santa's Little Helper -- Bit Bart. Homer didn't mind.
760%-- The eventual fates of the dogs in the obedience school,
760% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
761%Homer: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you!
761% [one word per finger] Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue...
761% [realizes he needs his left hand] Pit.
761%Marge: Oh, Homey, remember you told me you'd try to limit pork to six
761% servings a week?
761%Homer: Marge! I'm only human!
761%-- ``Principal Charming''
762%Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances...
762%-- Rev. Lovejoy greets the wedding guests, ``Principal Charming''
763%Lisa: Aunt Selma?
763%Selma: [grunt]
763%Lisa: Do you think you'll ever married?
763%Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
763%Lisa: No.
763%Selma: [grunt]
763%Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece,
763% I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant
763% number of forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
763%-- ``Principal Charming''
764%Marge: You owe me a favor.
764%Homer: [whining] Oh...
764%Marge: To be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
764%Homer: But that was just an idle promise!
764%-- Marge cashes in a favor, ``Principal Charming''
765%Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
765%Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines,
765% and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
765%Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like
765% to be ... you know ... touched.
765%Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy
765% thrust upon her.
765%-- ``Principal Charming''
766%Marge: You will find her [Selma] a man!
766%Homer: [conceding] All right.
766%Marge: And not just any man.
766%Homer: [annoyed] Okay!
766%Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
766%Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?
766%-- ``Principal Charming''
767%Mrs. K: Sodium tetrasulfate is highly toxic, and can remove your skin.
767% [pours into a beaker] Say when... [chuckles]
767%Martin: That will do. [Mrs. K stops pouring, and spills quite a bit]
767%Bart: What's this stuff for?
767%Martin: It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and
767% as a preservative in fast foods.
767%-- Chemistry class, ``Principal Charming''
768%Karl... Too handsome.
768%Smithers... Jerk.
768%Ms. Finch... Not a man.
768%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
768% ``Principal Charming''
769%Boy, a good man really hard to find.
769%-- Homer searches for a husband for Selma, ``Principal Charming''
770%One seafood burrito, Apu.
770%-- Homer makes a purchase from the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Principal Charming''
771%Apu... Pro: Discounted snack treats. Con: Dangerous profession.
771%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
771% ``Principal Charming''
772%I am loathe to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for
772%money to change hands.
772%-- Apu snaps Homer out of his daze at the Kwik-E-Mart register,
772% ``Principal Charming''
773%?... Pro: Nice stride. Con: Complete stranger.
773%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
773% ``Principal Charming''
774%Pro: Smoker. Con: Just a sign.
774%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
774% ``Principal Charming''
775%Say what they will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best
775%tater tots money can buy.
775%-- Principal Skinner eats his lunch at school, ``Principal Charming''
776%Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew that you were
776% writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters on the field, and that
776% you would be caught.
776%Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
776%Principal Skinner: There are no other Barts!
776%Bart: Uh oh.
776%-- Another visit to the principal's office, ``Principal Charming''
777%Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
777%Moe: Homer who?
777%Bart: Homer... Sexual.
777%Moe: Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on,
777% come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! [guffaws from the
777% gang] You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my
777% teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
777%-- ``Principal Charming''
778%Principal Skinner...
778%Pros: * Uses big words.
778% * Dislikes the boy.
778% * [something]
778%Cons: * Possible Homer Sexual.
778%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
778% ``Principal Charming''
779%Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely
779% (and available) sister, Selma.
779%Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty!
779%Homer: What!?
779%Skinner: [dreamily] Patty...
779%Homer: D'oh!! Wrong one!
779%-- Homer introduces Principal Skinner to the wrong woman,
779% ``Principal Charming''
780%I tried to repel him, I really did!
780%-- Patty to Selma, on Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
781%Patty: I'll have a Lady Laramie 100's please.
781%Selma: We both know it could have easily been me. Very easily.
781% [to Apu] Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day.
781%Apu: Ooh, all right, here you go. Smoke them in good health.
781%-- ``Principal Charming''
782%I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant.
782%You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
782%-- Principal Skinner takes Patty out for a date, ``Principal Charming''
783%Principal Skinner: That was the worst movie I've ever seen.
783%Patty: Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
783%Principal Skinner: Ho ho ho. Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
783%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
784%Principal Skinner: So, see me again tomorrow?
784%Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
784%Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
784%Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
784%Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
784%Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
784%Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
784%Patty: Hai-ya! [gives him a healthy karate (or whatever) chop]
784%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
785%Principal Skinner: I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
785%Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.
785%-- ``Principal Charming''
786%Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man. [belch]
786%-- Barney comes to the rescue when Homer needs to find a husband for Selma?
786% ``Principal Charming''
787%Clerk: A good rule of thumb is two years' salary, sir. Try this.
787%Principal Skinner: I can't afford that, I'm an educator!
787%Bart: Seymour...
787%Principal Skinner: I'll take it.
787%-- Buying an engagement ring for Patty, ``Principal Charming''
788%Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all,
788%tomorrow is another school day!
788%-- Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
789%And then when I got out of the service, eh, uh... Well, the next few years
789%are a blur.
789%-- Barney, ``Principal Charming''
790%Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. [sobs]
790%Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
790%Barney: [perks up] Well, whaddya know! You're right!
790% And look, a whole pitcher to myself!
790%-- Every cloud has a silver lining? ``Principal Charming''
791%Grampa: The screen was too small.
791%Jasper: The floor was sticky.
791%Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on.
791%Jasper: In short, we demand a refund.
791%-- Complaining at the movie theater, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
792%... and thank you most of all for nuclear power,
792%which has yet to cause a single proven fatality.
792%At least in this country. Amen.
792%-- Homer, saying grace, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
793%Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons,
793%and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
793%-- Homer, threatening his kids, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
794%Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
794%Homer: What is it, Dad?
794%Grampa: Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh.
794% Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die
794% someday.
794%Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
794%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
795%Hey handsome, wanna `dunk' the `clown'?
795%-- Carnival girl/prostitute, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
796%She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.
796%-- Grampa, remembering an affair, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
797%Granma: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father.
797% He must never know about that, that carnival incident.
797%Grampa: Okay.
797%Granma: Promise you won't tell him.
797%Grampa: I promise.
797% [end of flashback]
797%Grampa: Oops! Forget what I just told you.
797%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
798%Homer: This makes me special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that
798% must mean you really loved me.
798%Grampa: Mm. Interesting theory.
798%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
799%Lisa: A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
799%Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
799%Homer: Bart!
799%Bart: His parents aren't married are they?
799% It's the correct word, isn't it?
799%Homer: I guess he's got us there.
799%Marge: Mmm...
799%Bart: [singing]
799% Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard!
799%Marge: Bart!
799%Homer: Bart! Baart!
799%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
800%Homer: Oh brother, where art thou!
800%Attendant: Take it easy, buddy, they moved across the street.
800%Homer: Oh, hee hee. Sorry.
800%-- looking for the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
801%Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
801% I myself have spent years searching for long-lost twin brother.
801%Homer: Yeah yeah yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking
801% for brother today.
801%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
802%Director: Your brother could be anywhere. Even ... Detroit.
802%Homer: I know he could be ,
802% that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
802%Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of love
802% isn't Philadelphia, it's ... Detroit.
802%Homer: Well, if you asked me, changing the subject makes you the
802% most worthess, heartless excuse for a human being I ever...
802%Director: Read between the lines, Mr. Simpson!
802%Homer: Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you
802% tell me where my brother lives?
802%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
803%Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell...
803%Pomerantz, Poole, Popkins, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randal, oops, too far.
803%-- Homer, looking through the phone book, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
804%Homer: Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! [bangs the phone]
804%Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here!
804% I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.
804%Homer: Oh. Sorry.
804%-- first contact with his brother, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
805%Homer: Just a little further!
805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
805%Homer: Just a little fur...
805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
805%Homer: Just a little further!!
805%Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car
805% right around and go home.
805%Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
805%Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
805%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
806%Herbert: Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese and I want to know why.
806%Advisor: Oh, unfair trade practices?
806%Advisor: Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
806%Advisor: Some sort of gypsy curse?
806%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
807%People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!
807%-- Herbert Powell, board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
808%Herbert: You, what are your roots?
808%Advisor: Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met
808% the Saxons... [all except Herbert chuckle]
808%Herbert: Or in other words, when white met bread.
808%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
809%Holy moly, the bastard's rich!
809%-- Homer, seeing his brother's mansion, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
810%Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa ...
810%Maggie: [falls down] [thud]
810%Homer: ... and Maggie.
810%Bart: Hello, sir.
810%Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.
810%Herbert: All born in wedlock?
810%Homer: [whispers] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
810%-- introducing his family, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
811%Herbert: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home.
811% Any time you're hungry, any time day or night,
811% Cook will make you anything you want.
811%Homer: Even pork chops?
811%Herbert: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool,
811% a screening room...
811%Homer: If I want pork chops any time in the middle of the night,
811% your guy will fry them up?
811%Herbert: Sure, that's what he's paid for.
811% Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
811%Homer: Wait, wait, wait. Lemme see if I got this straight.
811% It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach...
811%Marge: Homer, please.
811%-- touring the estate, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
812%Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
812%Marge: Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three
812% beautiful children.
812%Herbert: Wow. We have so much catching up to do.
812%Marge: Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
812%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
813%Bart: Watch me dive!
813%Lisa: Watch me dive!
813%Homer: OKAY, we're watching!
813%Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them...
813% [they dive]
813%Bart: Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
813%Lisa: Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...
813%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
814%A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one.
814%-- Grampa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
815%Bart: Unkie Herb, can I spit over the side?
815%Herbert: Heh heh heh. I love this kid. Hock your brains out!
815% [Bart spits, as does Herbert]
815%Bart: Ho! Got him!
815%-- in a balloon, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
816%Hello, cook?
816%Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some...
816%That's right. Don't forget the applesauce!
816%-- Homer, on the phone late at night, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
817%Herbert: And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
817%Homer: And I want to let you!
817%-- hiring Homer as a consultant, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
818%Herbert: Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
818%Homer: Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other
818% and rack-and-peanut steering.
818%-- first day on the job, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
819%Herbert: Do you understand?
819%Homer: Sort of.
819%Herbert: Homer?
819%Homer: What.
819%Herbert: Answer me again with self-confidence!
819%Homer: SORT OF!
819%-- pep talk, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
820%Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style!
820%Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting...
820%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
821%Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said.
821%-- Herbert, to his advisor, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
822%I want a horn here, here, and here.
822%You can never find a horn when you're mad.
822%And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.
822%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
823%Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids
823% with optional restraints and muzzles?
823%Homer: Bullseye!
823%-- designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
824%Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy.
824%Bart: They hate each other.
824%Lisa: And they're not shy about expressing it.
824%-- ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
825%To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings,
825%when I could've been watching cartoons!
825%-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy'
825% ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
826%Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?
826%-- Lisa, talking to a penguin at the zoo, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
827%Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders,
827%members of the press, Your Holiness...
827%-- Herbert Powell, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
828%All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
828%Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
828%Now, at last, I have found it.
828%-- Homer, describing his car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
829%Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all
829% your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been
829% better off if I'd never come into your life.
829%Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off?
829% MAYBE!
829% Why you sponge-head. Of COURSE I'd have been better off.
829% As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
829%Marge: Mm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
829%-- Herbert leaving forever, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
830%His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.
830%-- Lisa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
831%Bart: Dad?
831%Homer: What is it, boy?
831%Bart: I thought your car was really cool.
831%Homer: Thanks boy! I was waiting for someone to say that.
831%-- driving home, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
832%Marge: You know, be old someday.
832%Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home
832% like I did to my dad, would you?
832%Bart: [considering the idea] Well...
832%Homer: Aaah!
832%-- After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, ``Old Money''
833%Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place
833%at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!
833%-- Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, ``Old Money''
834%Yo, active wear? Need a price check on a wool shoal.
834%-- Clerk at `Grandma's World', ``Old Money''
835%Do not feed the animals. Do not allow animals inside the car.
835%Do not make eye contact with animals.
835%-- Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, ``Old Money''
836%Mr. Simpson, I presume.
836%-- Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, ``Old Money''
837%You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know
837%she died of a broken heart.
837%-- Grampa mourns Bea's passing, ``Old Money''
838%You can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer.
838%-- Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, ``Old Money''
839%Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
839%Grampa: Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.
839%Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing!
839%-- Grampa disowns Homer, ``Old Money''
840%Hutz: There is one catch... You must spend one night in... a haunted house!
840%Grampa: [gasp!]
840%Hutz: Just kidding.
840%-- Grampa inherits $106,000, ``Old Money''
841%Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks
841%just like a cigar. Isn't that something!
841%-- Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, ``Old Money''
842%Grampa: Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated
842% like human beings! whether they have money or not?
842%Director: Yes, but it passes.
842%-- The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... ``Old Money''
843%Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting
843%a family in Texas.
843%-- Bea's ghost appears, ``Old Money''
844%Hiya. You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.
844%If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW!
844%If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW!
844%If you have trouble maintaining an...
844%-- ``Old Money''
845%Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive
845% food and water. The floor can become electrified, and showers of
845% icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it... The Monroe Box!
845%Grampa: Uh huh. Sounds interesting. How much will it cost to build?
845%Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part! It's already built! I need the money
845% to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty.
845%Grampa: What are you trying to prove?
845%Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and
845% will harbor a deep resentment towards me.
845%Grampa: Mm. Interesting.
845%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
846%Man: With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy
846% an area the size of New York City.
846%Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them!
846%Man: Oh. Well, to be honest, the ray only has applications...
846%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
847%Lisa: The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums.
847% They're little children who need more library books, and they're
847% families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted
847% to, you could buy me a pony.
847%Grampa: You're right!
847%Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
847%-- Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... ``Old Money''
848%Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and
848% for God's sakes, hurry!
848%Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone]
848%-- The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, ``Old Money''
849%Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: If you can make one heap
849% of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
849% and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe
849% a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is
849% in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
849%Homer: You'll be a bonehead!
849%-- Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, ``Old Money''
850%Grampa: Put it all on 41. [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
850%Roulette man: The wheel only goes to 36.
850%Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36.
850% [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
850%-- Grampa at the casino, ``Old Money''
851%Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to...
851%Kids: Kroon Along With Krusty! Yeah!
851% [singing]
851% I want to go to Mt. Splashmore,
851% Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
851% Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
851% Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now! Yay!
851%-- ``A rather shameless promotion'', ``Brush with Greatness''
852%Homer: [asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No!
852% [following Homer walking down the hallway]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852% [at the dinner table]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No!
852% [as Homer watches television with a beer in his hand]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852% [as Homer takes a shower]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NO!!!!
852% [as Homer tries to get some sleep]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NO!!!!!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NO!!!!!!!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NOOO!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NOOOOO!!!
852% [Marge pulls her pillow over her head]
852% If I take you will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME!
852%Bart: Yeah!
852%Lisa: Of course!
852%Bart: Well?
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: Yes!
852%Bart+Lisa Thanks, Dad!
852%-- The persistence of memory? ``Brush with Greatness''
853%Everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ...
853%[turns around, everybody is gone] D'oh!
853%-- Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore,
853% ``Brush with Greatness''
854%Challenge the raging water of DEATH.
854%Dare to discover what water is really made of!
854%H2WHOA!
854%-- Mt. Splashmore announcer, ``Brush with Greatness''
855%Bart: Okay, Lis. Turn on the water works, babe.
855%Lisa: [crying] Mommy! I want my mommy! [sob sob]
855%-- How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt. Splashmore,
855% ``Brush with Greatness''
856%Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and
856%five hundred pounds.
856%-- Newscaster on Homer's getting stuck in the water slide,
856% ``Brush with Greatness''
857%Krusty: [surrounded by reporters]
857% No, this slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.
857%Kent Brockman: I understand that Krusty... [lost in the reporters' yelling]
857% Krusty! Was that exactly what you said just before the recall of
857% tainted `Krusty Brand Mayonnaise'?
857%Krusty: Now kids, you know that question is out of bounds.
857% This interview is over.
857%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
858%Homer: All right, family. I want the truth. Don't pull any punches.
858% [sweetly] Am I just a little bit overweight?
858% [silence]
858% [angrily] Well, am I?
858%Lisa: Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response.
858%-- Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, ``Brush with Greatness''
859%Oh! Four hundred and thirty-seven... Fifty pounds?
859%Oh my God! Three hundred and... A hundred and fifty?
859%OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh.
859%Oh my God! It's two hundred and sixty pounds!
859%I'm a big fat pig!
859%-- The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, ``Brush with Greatness''
860%Marge: You do have big bones.
860%Homer: Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bones!
860%-- Homer finds he weighs 260 pounds, ``Brush with Greatness''
861%I am going on a diet.
861%From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent!
861%No donut too tasty!
861%No pizza too laden with delicious toppings
861%to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight!
861%As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!
861%-- Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
862%Bart: Hey, Homer, I found your weights.
862%Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer...
862%-- Up in the attic, ``Brush with Greatness''
863%Marge: Oh Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl.
863% The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on him.
863%Homer: A likely story...
863%-- Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings,
863% ``Brush with Greatness''
864%Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?
864%-- Homer, setting out on his diet, ``Brush with Greatness''
865%Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things!
865%-- Homer admires a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
866%Hello! Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?
866%-- Homer bites into a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
867%Hey Mom, these paintings are good.
867%While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is,
867%I'd love to hear the particulars of how gift was squashed.
867%-- Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting talent,
867% ``Brush with Greatness''
868%Lisa: Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College.
868%Marge: I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer?
868%Homer: Do I have to do anything?
868%Marge: No.
868%Homer: Great! Fine! Go nuts!
868%-- A loving, supportive husband, ``Brush with Greatness''
869%I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.
869%I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu,
869%pushed too far by convenience store bandits.
869%I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'.
869%-- Apu, at Springfield Community College, ``Brush with Greatness''
870%Marvelous!
870%-- Prof. Lombardo sees a handyman paint the handrail, ``Brush with Greatness''
871%Now, using the Lombardo method, you learn to see everyday objects
871%as a simple grrouping of geometrical shapes. Heah, we see how two
871%concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses, and yes! even a rrhombus!
871%can create an adorable little bunny-rabbit. It's just that easy!
871%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
872%Bravo! Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages.
872%[to next student]
872%You! Not another stroke! Oh well, maybe one more, that's it! Perfect!
872%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
873%Marge, please, I don't take praise very well!
873%[sees a sign painter]
873%Oh! Another triumph!
873%-- Prof. Lombardo, ``Brush with Greatness''
874%Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait
874%was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!
874%-- Burns chews out Smithers, ``Brush with Greatness''
875%Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson.
875%Burns: Who?
875%Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair,
875% and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily
875% intimidated.
875%Burns: Excellent.
875%-- Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
876%Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
876%Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
876%Burns: Shut up.
876%-- Too much of a good thing? ``Brush with Greatness''
877%Marge: That's wonderful, isn't it kids?
877%Lisa: [to Bart] Pass the moo juice.
877%Marge: Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support?
877%Lisa: Way to go, Dad!
877%Bart: You look mahvelous!
877%Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula]
877%-- Homer reaches his weight goal, ``Brush with Greatness''
878%Donut man: Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up.
878%Worker: Heh. Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet.
878%Donut man: Oh my God. And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead]
878%-- Homer's diet depresses the local economy, ``Brush with Greatness''
879%Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
879%Marge: Well, no. Just Ringo Starr.
879%Burns: Ring-Go?
879%Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called
879% the Beatles, sir.
879%Burns: Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key
879% caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What Ed thinking?
879%-- Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
880%Smithers: Ah, sir. At least the world will see you as I always have.
880%Burns: [trying to get him to shut up] Yes, yes, yes.
880%-- Preparing for a portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
881%Marge: What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?
881% Did you have a dog that you loved?
881%Burns: Well... Daah! There's something on my leg. [waves his leg]
881% Get it off! Get it off! [Maggie is clutching his leg] Ugh!
881%Marge: [takes Maggie, holds her up] Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.
881%Maggie: [suck suck suck]
881%Burns: [still scared] Ooh!
881%-- Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', ``Brush with Greatness''
882%Homer: All right, all right. Who took the funny pages?
882%Smithers: [reading to Burns] So Ziggy goes to the repair shop,
882% there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'.
882%Burns: Heh heh. Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?
882%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
883%Bart: Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body?
883%Burns: [opens the door] I heard that.
883%-- Marge accidentally bursts in on Burns (naked) in the bathroom,
883% ``Brush with Greatness''
884%Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?
884%Burns: Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor.
884%-- Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, ``Brush with Greatness''
885%Burns: [off camera] Smithers! I want my tea!
885%Marge: Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
885%Smithers: Oh ho ho. Actually, I value every second we're together.
885% From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning,
885% til I tuck him in at night.
885% He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too.
885%Burns: [sipping the tea] Bah! Too hot! [spills it on Smithers]
885%Smithers: Right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.
885%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
886%Dear Sally. In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966,
886%me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard.
886%Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo.
886%PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
886%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
887%Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!
887%-- Homer is proud of his weight loss, ``Brush with Greatness''
888%If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. [leaves, crying]
888%--Homer reacts to Burns' insulting his weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
889%Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung
889%it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question,
889%yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French
889%fries `chips'. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
889%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
890%Friends, art lovers, security personnel...
890%-- Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing of the
890% art museum, ``Brush with Greatness''
891%He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.
891%-- Ms. Hoover, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
892%You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.
892%-- Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, ``Brush with Greatness''
893%Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
893%Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did.
893%-- On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
894%> Voice credits
894%>> Starring
894% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, H2WHOA ride spotter)
894% Julie Kavner (Marge)
894% Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
894% Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
894% and
894% Harry Shearer (nearly everybody else)
895%>> Special Guest Voice
895% John Lovitz (Mr. Lombardo, donut man)
895% Ringo Starr (himself)
896%>> Also starring
896% Hank Azaria (Registration guy)
896% Maggie Roswell (Ms. Hoover)
897%> Didja notice...
898% ... the water slide schematic looks like the human digestive system?
898% ... Bart was eating left-handed?
898% ... the Picasso-style painting of Burns in the discard pile?
898% ... the substantial number of curlers Marge needs?
898% ... the string quartet played `For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' when
898% Burns came in?
898% ... this is Marge's second run-in with full frontal nudity?
898% ... Ringo said `gear!' when he saw Marge's painting?
899%[Jym Dyer]
899% ... that they're reading the `Springfield Shopper' in the
899% first new episode to air since `Simpsons Illustrated' was released?
900%[Scott Amspoker]
900% ... the runners up in the art contest? ("dogs playing ping pong" and
900% the sad unicorn asking "Why?")
900% ... the number of different "camera shots" in which the genitalia
900% in Mr. Burns' portrait were kept hidden from view? It was so
900% conspicious it became a joke in itself.
901%[rjc]
901% Here's the list of things that blocked the view of Mr. Burns'
901% privates:
901% the feather of a woman's hat
901% Burns' head
901% Marge's hairdo
901% Marge's head
901% Marge's hand
901% Marge's upper lip
901% Marge's wine glass
901% Dr. Hibert's wine glass
901% Smithers' head
902%And for those who weren't sure of Lisa's age, Marge says, ``Mr. Burns, it's
902%hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old
902%girl.''
903%> Movie References
903% Howdy Doody Show
903% - Shamelessly pitching products on a kids show
903% and getting the kids all riled up to buy the stuff.
903% + Ascending and Descending, an etching by M. C. Escher
903% - the line for H2WHOA!
903% ~ Batman
903% - Krusty wipes make-up from his face, cf. The Joker. {evl}
903% + Gone With the Wind
903% - ``As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!''
903% ~ Back to the Future
903% - ``Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?'' Now change `taste'
903% to `McFly'.
903% + Rocky
903% - Music as Homer works out.
903% + The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
903% - Music as Homer approaches the scale. {gh2}
903% ~ The Empire Strikes Back
903% - When Marge walks in on Burns in the bathroom, cf. Darth Vader.
903% Yellow Submarine
903% - The cartoon of Ringo is largely the same.
904%> Freeze Frame Fun
904%>> Things in the attic
905% A `Burns for Mayor' placard. [dale@mks.com (Dale Gass)]
906% A half-empty bottle of pills labelled, `Dr. Nick Riviera's Gym'
906% superimposed on a picture of a weightlifter lifting barbells.
906% Presumably, it contains steroids. [rmm@ipac.caltech.edu (Mike Melnyk)]
907%>> Blurbs from TV, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
907% - Two hours free parking
907% - Nose plug rental
907% - Trauma center on premises
908%>> At the park, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
908% - This park is not copless. So please don't go topless.
908% - Wavewalker. Caution. You will get wet.
908% - Rock-a-bye riptide. Water changed hourly. 1" 1 1/2" 2".
908% - Stop if you have - Athlete's foot - Hepatitis - Yeast infection.
908% [Many others have given the middle item as `Impetigo'.]
909%>> In the attic, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
909% - Burns for governor.
909% - Gluteus Maximizer.
909% - Dr. Nick Riviera's Gym.
909% - Gee, your pecs look terrific.
909% - Football jersey #17
910%>> The envelope, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
910% - Marge Bouvier, Springfield USA
910% - Ringo Starr, c/o The Beatles, Liverpool England, S.W.A.K.
911%>> Misc stuff, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
911% - Springfield Community College Extension Center.
911% - "Where old dogs learn new tricks"
911% - Lombardo Method
911% - The Rolling Donut
911% - Burn's mirror is 'monogrammed' CMB
911% - The cubist (with three eyes, fishy, eh?) painting and mobile of Burns.
912%> Animation and continuity goofs
913%Carl's ``Homer Simpson went on a diet'' line was spoken with Lenny's voice.
914%> Comments and other observations
915%>> References
916%>>> Previous episodes
917% [7g04] The quartet plays ``For He's a Jolly Good Fellow''.
917% [UFA] Marge's original letter to Ringo is reproduced
918%>> Home decorations
919%Gary Bisaga {gb2} observes:
920%Right before Burns insults Homer's new reduced waistline, Homer is shown
920%standing in front of the staircase and two pictures are shown on the wall
920%behind him. One appears to be a baby picture of Bart, on all fours but with
920%the same spike hair. The other appears to be a female ancestor of Marge's,
920%looking just like Marge; she had blue hair done up like Marge's (and her
920%mother's) current style, except it didn't go up nearly as far - more of an
920%afro with a little peak on the top. It was in a little ellipsical frame.
920%The picture appears to be from the early part of the 20th century because
920%the dress she is wearing has mutton sleeves (those big puffy shoulder/sleeve
920%units that they wore back then). But the picture was in color (you can see
920%the hair is blue). They probably would not have given the woman that type of
920%dress unless they were attempting to portray a picture from, say, the 20's,
920%so I say the picture should have been B/W. What does everybody else say?
921%>> Audrey Rosen kindly provides the jumprope rhyme:
922% Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinkin'
922% What the heck have you been drinkin'?
922% Is it water? Is it wine?
922% Oh my gosh, it's turpentine!
923%Except that Lisa and Bart say `hell' instead of `heck', just to give it
923%a little more edge.
924%>> Paintings of Monty Burns
925%Chris Baird {cjb} notes that paintings of Monty Burns already existed,
925%such as the painting of a younger (blushing) Burns in his office in
925%`Homer's Odyssey'.
926%>> The Rolling Donut
927%Jym Dyer {jd} explains (for the benefit of non-Americans) that a common
927%American unpleasantry is to tell somebody (presumably male) to `go take a
927%flying fuck at a rolling donut.' On a visit to Los Angeles, Mr. Dyer
927%found a shop named
928% ROLLIN'
928% DONUTS
929%It has since been taken over by Dunkin' Donuts, but the sign remains.
930%> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments
931%Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1993 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed
931%in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course,
931%remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
931%the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the
931%compilation.)
932%1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover?
932% She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.
932%2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well.
932% [Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying]
932%Lisa: My God, she's been dumped again...
932%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
933%Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long.
933% I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease.
933% Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
933%Ralph: What's lyme disease?
933%Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one. [goes to blackboard] Lyme disease
933% is spread by small parasites called `ticks'. [writes `TICKS'
933% on blackboard] When a diseased tick attaches itself to
933% you, it begins sucking your blood...
933%Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
933%Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually
933% spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
933%Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God...
933%Class: Wow!
933%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
934% [a scream is heard from the room above]
934%Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you!
934%-- Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, ``Lisa's Substitute''
935%Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
935%-- Bart shows a videotape of kittens being born, ``Lisa's Substitute''
936%Bergstrom: [enters the classroom, guns ablazin']
936%Skinner: Are you the substitute?
936%Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
936%Skinner: Are you insane?
936%-- Principal Skinner doesn't quite get Bergstrom's unorthodox teaching
936% technique, ``Lisa's Substitute''
937%And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen.
937%Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.
937%-- Mr. Bergstrom's lesson on the American West, ``Lisa's Substitute''
938%Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library,
938% featuring an ABC of the over[something] genre. Asimov,
938% Bester, Clarke!
938%Student: What abouy Ray Bradbury?
938%Martin: [dismissing] I'm aware of his work...
938% [orating] Thank you, and... Keep watching the skies...
938%-- Martin's campaign speech for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
939%Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat.
939% How can I put this? Does your father help you with it.
939%Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
939%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
940%Martin: [campaign speech] In a sample taken in this very classroom,
940% a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
940%Bart: That's not enough! We demand MORE asbestos!
940% [leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS']
940%-- Martin and Bart run for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
941%Homer: Wow! You made the front page!
941%Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest?
941%Homer: JUST a popularity contest?
941% Excuse me. What's more important than popularity?
941%-- Bart runs for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
942%I always knew you had personality.
942%The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
942%-- Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president,
942% ``Lisa's Substitute''
943%He says there aren't any easy answers.
943%I say, he's not looking hard enough!
943%-- Bart's campaign speech against Martin, ``Lisa's Substitute''
944%Martin's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy!
944% Bart's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! [scrawled]
944%-- The campaign for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
945%You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
945%-- Lisa comments on Bart's campaign antics, ``Lisa's Substitute''
946%Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow,
946% and I think you should take her.
946%Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning
946% on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching
946% TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the
946% boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.
946%Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your
946% relationship with her.
946%Bart: Me too, Mom. I think you're drifting apart.
946%Homer: Shut up, boy.
946%Marge: Homer, please.
946%Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
946% [thinking to himself] You're trapped. If you were smarter, you
946% might think of something. But you're not, so you just might as
946% well... [speaks up] All right, all right, I'll take her.
946% [sotto voce] Lousy brain.
946%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
947%Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'?
947%Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir.
947%Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero?
947%Clerk: That is up to you.
947%Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it?
947%Clerk: Yes.
947%Homer: I see. And you think that people are going to pay
947% you $4.50 even though they don't have to?
947% Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs]
947% Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it!
947%-- Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum entrance,
947% ``Lisa's Substitute''
948%Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
948%-- Homer admires the mummy at the museum, ``Lisa's Substitute''
949%She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education,
949%youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, ``Why me? What
949%did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...'' [cries]
949%-- Homer talks to Mr. Bergstrom on Lisa's need for a strong male role model,
949% ``Lisa's Substitute''
950%Mr. B: There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
950%Homer: Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
950%Mr. B: I giving her an A.
950%Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
950%Mr. B: Mr. Simpson, she earn it.
950%Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.
950%-- On Lisa's education, ``Lisa's Substitute''
951%Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner?
951%Lisa: Oh, Mom! That's wonderful!
951% Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it?
951%Marge: Sure.
951%Lisa: Can I wear your jewelry?
951%Marge: Sure.
951%Lisa: Can I get my ears pierced?
951%Marge: No.
951%Lisa: Can I dye my shoes pink?
951%Marge: Yes.
951%Lisa: Can I paint my nails?
951%Marge: No.
951%Lisa: Can we have wine?
951%Marge: Yes.
951%Lisa: Can I have wine?
951%Marge: No.
951%Lisa: Does Bart have to be there?
951%Marge: Yes.
951%Lisa: Can we do it this week?
951%-- Setting the ground rules, ``Lisa's Substitute''
952%Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be
952% [spells it on the board] psychosomatic.
952%Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?
952%Student 2: No, that means she was faking it.
952%Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.
952%-- Miss Hoover returns to teaching, ``Lisa's Substitute''
953%Bart: I demand a recount!
953%Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin.
953% Would you like another recount?
953%Bart: [realizing he's beat] No.
953%Ms. K: [enjoying it] Well, I just want to make sure.
953% One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles]
953%-- The Apathy Party loses again, ``Lisa's Substitute''
954%That's the problem with being middle-class.
954%Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.
954%-- Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, ``Lisa's Substitute''
955%Bart didn't get one vote?
955%Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us!
955%-- Homer, on Bart failing to be elected class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
956%Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
956%-- Homer tries to understand Lisa, ``Lisa's Substitute''
957%Lisa: You, sir, are a baboon!
957%Homer: [gasp] Me?
957%Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!
957%Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...
957%Lisa: BABOON! [leaves in tears]
957%Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe
957% it was her.
957%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
958%Mmm... Horse doovers...
958%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
959%Marge: [slaps Homer's hand] Homer! You promised.
959%Homer: I promised I wouldn't eat? Never! You lie!
959%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
960%Homer: Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all
960% the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
960%Marge: That was our wedding!
960%Homer: Oh.
960%-- pre-party discussion, ``War of the Simpsons''
961%Marge: Oh, they're here. How does everything look?
961%Homer: Yeah, how do I look?
961%Marge: Do we have enough glasses?
961%Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes?
961%Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on.
961%Homer: What are all our friends' names again?
961%-- pre-party panic, ``War of the Simpsons''
962%And the house! You've done...
962%[looks at the living room; nothing spectacular] Whatever!
962%-- Ned tries to compliment the Simpsons, ``War of the Simpsons''
963%Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it!
963%Ned: Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of
963% bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor.
963%Homer: Really? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem
963% to be slurring my speech. You're right! Gimme another.
963%-- Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, ``War of the Simpsons''
964%Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol. Remember last year at the Winfields'
964% party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
964%Homer: No.
964%Marge: Mm.
964%-- Homer starts getting tipsy, ``War of the Simpsons''
965%Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right?
965%I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful.
965%[she maces him] Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough]
965%Is that a new kind of mace? It's really painful.
965%-- Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), ``War of the Simpsons''
966%Dr. Hibert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you
966% roll him onto his stomach.
966%Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert. Thanks for coming.
966%Dr. Hibert: Remember, I said `if'.
966%-- The party's over, ``War of the Simpsons''
966% [And notice that she didn't roll him over! -- Chuck Anderson]
967%Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
967%Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
967%-- The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, ``War of the Simpsons''
968%I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there
968%was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you.
968%But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
968%-- Marge, ``War of the Simpsons''
969%Marge: You are going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred
969% him for life.
969%Homer: No, I didn't! I ... Oh, you mean inside, don't you.
969%-- ``War of the Simpsons''
970%Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little
970% strange and you probably don't understand why.
970%Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
970%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
971%Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect
971% for me.
971%Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
971%Homer: Awww.... [pats Bart's head]
971%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
972%We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including
972%`Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners'
972%and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'.
972%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
973%Marge: Grampa, could you do something?
973%Grampa: I can dress myself.
973%-- Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
974%Bart: Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this.
974% It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
974%Grampa: [reads] Eh heh. Uh huh. You're allowed to smoke cigars?
974%-- Marge leaves the kids in Grampa's care, ``War of the Simpsons''
975%Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty
975% Burger, and head for the arcade.
975%Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man. He trusts us. Are you sure it's
975% right to take advantage of him?
975%Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or
975% wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, ``Bleed Gramps dry.''
975%-- Grampa babysits the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
976%A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.
976%It takes a whole weekend to do that!
976%-- Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
977%Rev.: We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way, a happy marriage,
977% heh heh, won't be the one that got away.
977%Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions.
977%-- Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter retreat,
977% ``War of the Simpsons''
978%Ah, three couples. Our best turnout yet!
978%-- Rev. Lovejoy opens the marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
979%Ned: Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in Bible
979% because she can't find hers.
979%Homer: [mutters] Oh. Lucky they don't keep guns in the house.
979%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
980%Rev.: Marge is going to tell us about your faults, why don't you tell
980% us about hers?
980%Homer: Oh, she's perfect.
980%Rev.: Come on, Homer, what are her faults?
980%Homer: Well, sometimes it can be annoying.
980%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
981%Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy
981% bar with bums and lowlifes.
981%Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
981%Rev.: Homer, don't interrupt.
981%Homer: Sorry.
981%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate.
982%Bart: Check.
982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.
982%Bart: Check.
982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip.
982%Bart: Yep.
982%Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list?
982%Lisa: Grampa, what a question!
982%-- Shopping for groceries, ``War of the Simpsons''
983%It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.
983%-- Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking advantage of Grampa,
983% ``War of the Simpsons''
984%Grampa: [pours Lisa a cup of coffee] Sugar?
984%Lisa: Yes, ten please.
984%Bart: [shaking] Hey Grampa, top me off.
984%Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee?
984%Bart: [snaps] For the last time, yes!
984%-- My breakfast with Grampa, ``War of the Simpsons''
985%Helen: Now, this is a trust exercise.
985% You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
985%Marge: Do I have to do this?
985%Rev.: No. Even if your husband here, I wouldn't recommend it.
985%-- Marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
986%Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where
986%I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault.
986%I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.
986%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
987%Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is.
987%Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show.
987%-- Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', ``War of the Simpsons''
988%Holy mackerel!
988%-- Homer lands a catfish, ``War of the Simpsons''
989%Otto: Any chicks over eight?
989%Bart: Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
989%-- Bart throws a wild party, ``War of the Simpsons''
990%Bart: Lisa, what's wrong?
990%Lisa: Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's
990% rights movement for decades to come.
990%Bart: You're great at a party, Lis. Really great.
990%-- Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, ``War of the Simpsons''
991%Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
991%Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.
991%-- Is it contagious? ``War of the Simpsons''
992%I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage.
992%-- Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake,
992% ``War of the Simpsons''
993%I'll never trust another old person...
993%-- Bart realizes Grampa duped him, ``War of the Simpsons''
994%Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of
994% bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but
994% if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
994%Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him?
994%Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet
994% tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel,
994% cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.
994%-- The making of a legend, ``War of the Simpsons''
995%Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will
995% be gone!
995%Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper
995% the Wimpy Ghost.
995%Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and
995% I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
995%Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of
995% Richie Rich. [shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich]
995%Lisa: Hey, they do look alike!
995%Bart: Wonder how Richie died.
995%Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and
995% took his own life.
995%Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?
995%-- driving to the comics convention, ``Three Men and Comic Book''
996%Too bad you didn't come dressed as a popular cartoon character.
996%-- Lisa to Bart at the comics convention, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
996% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
997%Bart: Oooh, what's that?
997%Otto: My very own idea for a comic book, little man.
997% [unveils his conception of Busman, which bears a distinct resemblance
997% to Otto despite some anatomically awesome features]
997% It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night,
997% fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone!
997%Bart: Cool!
997%-- A Heroic Ideal, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
998%Radioactive Man: Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves that
998% I need to combat evil.
998%Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wished I was old enough to
998% smoke Laramies.
998%Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
998%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
999%Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his
999%bullet-riddled body was found?
999%-- Bart asks a pointed question at a Q&A session at the comic convention,
999% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1000%Bart: Wow, Radioactive Man #1! I bet it's worth a million bucks!
1000%Dealer: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for a hundred, because you
1000% remind me of me.
1000%-- A deal that's hard to beat, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1001%Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know:
1001%To buy that comic book!
1001%-- Bart, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1002%Bart: I need a hundred dollars for a comic book.
1002%Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michael Milangelo?
1002%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1003%Bart: I want this more than anything in the world.
1003%Homer: Well, T.S.!
1003%-- Bart wants $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No! Now look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like
1004% this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. (It shows
1004% you've been paying attention.) But we all know I'm not gonna give
1004% you a hundred dollars. Now, are you going to stop bugging me?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: OKAY!!!!
1004%Homer: Hoo hoo! I win! In your face! Yeah, how do you like them apples?
1004%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1005%Young Selma: We'll give you half our allowance.
1005%Young Patty: Uh huh. But you have to be our slave.
1005%Young Marge: Oh, okay.
1005%Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time.
1005%Young Patty: Uh huh. Let's take up smoking.
1005%-- Marge wants to buy a light-bulb toy oven, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1006%Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
1006%Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. Your already taking care
1006% of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
1006%Lisa: She means should get a job, stupid!
1006%-- Bart needs $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1007%Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, a la Wonder Years] Me? Get a job? Were they
1007% serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my
1007% childhood had slipped away, forever.
1007%Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
1007%Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither
1007% did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we...
1007%Homer: Bart! Stop it!
1007%Bart: Sorry.
1007%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1008%Bart: Ching-ching-ching! [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received
1008% from Patty and Selma] [goes to the bank] Americanize this, my good man.
1008%Clerk: Okay.
1008%Bart: All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
1008%Clerk: Let the good times roll!
1008%-- Bart is desperate for money, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1009%Bart: There you go, Apu.
1009%Apu: Ah, very good. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a
1009% jumbo cherry squishy?
1009%Bart: No, not today, I need the dime.
1009%Apu: Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.
1009%-- Young entrepeneurship, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1010%Barney: Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this
1010% week.
1010%Bart: Beat it.
1010%-- No harm in trying, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1011%Cop: Hey, uh, do you have liquor license here, young fella?
1011%Bart: Uh, my dog ate it.
1011%-- Bart's one-time lemonade stand is now a beer stand,
1011% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1012%Dried apricots? Almond paste? Sauerkraut candy!
1012%-- Mrs. Quick offers Bart some sweets, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1013%[Asa pulls the pin, ready to throw the grenade]
1013%This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the
1013%boys in D company. Yeah... Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob. And Reggie. Yeah,
1013%even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to know hi...
1013%[*** KABOOM ***]
1013%-- And the rest is history, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1014%Woman: Jack, please, I'm married.
1014%Jack: [embraces her] Ha. Must be what's turning me on. [hot stuff ensues]
1014%Mrs.Q: Filthy! But genuinely arousing.
1014%-- Mrs. Quick watches a smarmy soap, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1015%Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
1015%-- Bart, Romancing the Comic, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1016%No, no, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch.
1016%Amputate my arm, but not the .... AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
1016%-- Bart is treated by Mrs. Quick, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1017%Mrs. Quick: Bart! You didn't say `Thank you'.
1017%Bart: Listen Lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can
1017% leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I
1017% am saying `Thank you'.
1017%Mrs. Quick: You're welcome!
1017%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
1017% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1018%Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money.
1018%Bart: Really?
1018%Homer: Naah.
1018%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
1018% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1019%Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
1019%Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was your age before I figured
1019% that out.
1019%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
1019% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1020%Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
1020%Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that?
1020%Martin: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home.
1020% I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake!
1020%Dealer: No way. [notices Bart] What do you want?
1020%Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five?
1020%-- Unsuccessful haggling, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1021%Bart: Look pal, we got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
1021% Radioactive Man #1. So why don't you just waddle over
1021% there and get it?
1021%Dealer: Yes, sir.
1021%-- Bart in charge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1022%Martin: I would've thought that being hit by an atomic bomb would've
1022% killed him.
1022%Bart: Now you know better.
1022%-- The gang read the original `Radioactive Man' comic,
1022% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1023%Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays,
1023% Millhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will
1023% take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
1023%Bart: Perfect!
1023%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
1023%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what Sundays?
1023%Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number
1023% generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Millhouse will
1023% have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
1023%Bart: Perfect!
1023%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
1023%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what 0?
1023%Millhouse: Yeah.
1023%Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined
1023% by Rock Scissors Paper competition, best 3 out of 5. How's that?
1023%Bart and : Oh, okay.
1023%Millhouse: Yeah, all right.
1023%-- An Equitable Split, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1024%Bart: Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
1024%Martin: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go
1024% to the bathroom?
1024%-- Crime and Punishment, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1025%I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows?
1025%-- Marge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1026%Bart: We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.
1026% We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
1026%Millhouse: What's your point?
1026%Bart: Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off.
1026%-- The moral of the story, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1027%Diamond Joe Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests,
1027% I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the
1027% off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the
1027% good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
1027% [sign lights up, ``Relax. Everything is fine.'']
1027%Crowd: Aah. [applause]
1027% [sign lights up, ``Minor leak. Roll up window.'']
1027%Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
1027% [sign lights up, ``Meltdown. Flee city.'']
1027%Crowd: [scattered applause]
1027% [sign lights up, ``Core explosion. Repent sins.'']
1027%Crowd: [stunned silence]
1027%Homer: Hee hee. Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any
1027% power to light that sign!
1027%-- Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster Warning Sign,
1027% ``Blood Feud''
1028%No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's
1028%an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]
1028%-- Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, ``Blood Feud''
1029%Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me
1029%really hit the spot.
1029%-- Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the blood necessary
1029% to save his life, ``Blood Feud''
1030%I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions
1030%of dollars who needs our help. And you don't want to cash in?
1030%-- Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of his coworkers
1030% wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
1031%[showing Maggie flashcards] Maggie, look! What's that? Lemur.
1031%[slowly] Le-mur. [next card] Zebu. [slowly] Ze-bu.
1031%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
1032%Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu?
1032%Lisa: It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap.
1032% [indicating to Maggie] [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap! Hump and dewlap!
1032%-- Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
1033%Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
1033%Bart: Is it a Bible story?
1033%Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion
1033% who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it
1033% out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And
1033% Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is,
1033% the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
1033%Bart: How did a lion get rich?
1033%Homer: It was the olden days!
1033%Bart: Oh.
1033%-- ``Blood Feud''
1034%Burns: [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to
1034% dictate my epitaph.
1034%Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead.
1034%Burns: Charles Montgomery Burns. ... American... Patriot... American...
1034% Patriot... [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge
1034% of the despot! [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant! Hear his
1034% mighty name, and quake! [gets up] Smithers, I'm back!
1034%-- Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1035%Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye! Why, look who's here!
1035% It's ... good old... You!
1035%Man: Hi, Mr. Burns.
1035%Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes! How about that ..
1035% local sports team!
1035%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1036%Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar!
1036%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1037%You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and
1037%tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood
1037%of a young boy.
1037%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1038%Burns: By the way, what was the lad's name?
1038%Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
1038%Burns: Who?
1038%Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs
1038% in sector 7-G.
1038%-- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, `Blood Feud''
1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%Summons. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%-- Homer goes through the daily mail, ``Blood Feud''
1040%Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors
1040% can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on more lights. Oh, do
1040% something!
1040%Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler]
1040%-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
1041%Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even
1041%a lousy card! Wait a minute... there a card...
1041%-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a
1041% thank-you card, ``Blood Feud''
1042%Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do
1042% them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
1042%Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly]
1042% you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells
1042% and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
1042%Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.
1042%-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood, ``Blood Feud''
1043%Homer: Bart! Take a letter!
1043% Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my
1043% son's blood. And your `card' was `just great'. In case you can't
1043% tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last
1043% part back to me?
1043%Bart: `You stink!'
1043%Homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy,
1043% with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...'
1043%Bart: An elephant's butt?
1043%Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.'
1043%-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, ``Blood Feud''
1044%I'm with you, Homer! Fight the Power!
1044%-- Barney provides encouragement as Homer kicks the mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
1045%Homer: I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will
1045% be able to read it!
1045%Bart: Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
1045%Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo!
1045% You know the kind of letters people write. ``Dear somebody you've
1045% never heard of, How is so-and-so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
1045% Yours truly, some bozo.'' Big loss.
1045%-- On watering the mail to prevent a letter from being mailed, ``Blood Feud''
1046%Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you
1046% know my name and address and everything, huh?
1046%Postal Worker: That's right.
1046%Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]
1046%-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
1047%Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous?
1047%Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself] What in blazes!
1047%-- Burns hires a ghost writer, ``Blood Feud''
1048%Homer: [trying to disguise his voice]
1048% Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
1048%Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
1048%Homer: [brief pause] I don't know.
1048% [outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
1048%-- Trying to intercept a letter, ``Blood Feud''
1049%Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
1049%Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and
1049% your father is trying to worry.
1049%-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
1050%Burns: Who are you?
1050%Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.
1050% [aloud] Homer Simpson.
1050% [thinks] D'oh!
1050%-- Thinking fast on your feet, ``Blood Feud''
1051%I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is
1051%a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell.
1051%I'll just crush him like an ant.
1051%-- Burns plans his next move, ``Blood Feud''
1052%Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never
1052% believed it.
1052%Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it.
1052% We were just trying to scare you.
1052%-- Bart destroys the family, ``Blood Feud''
1053%In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you.
1053%`What's that?' you say? Me thanking you?
1053%No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much
1053%as you enjoyed reading it. The End.
1053%-- Burns finishes his book, ``Blood Feud''
1054%Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
1054%Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
1054%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has
1054% anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons]
1054% [to phone] Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going
1054% to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with
1054% an ice pick.
1054%-- Another phone prank, ``Blood Feud''
1055%Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
1055%Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
1055%Moe: Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems.
1055%Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch]
1055%-- But does it work? ``Blood Feud''
1056%We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable,
1056%utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
1056%-- Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? ``Blood Feud''
1057%Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here.
1057%Bart: Wow, a crowbar!
1057%Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.
1057%-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, ``Blood Feud''
1058%Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard]
1058%Lisa: No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly] Ol-mec.
1058%Maggie: [falls down]
1058%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
1059%Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing!
1059% Just a big scary rock.
1059%Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
1059%Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a
1059% good deed is its own reward.
1059%Bart: Hey, we a reward. The head is cool.
1059%Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
1059%Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've
1059% gotten anything.
1059%Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
1059%Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
1059%Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
1059%Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
1059%Homer: Amen to that!
1059% [laughter all around]
1059%-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, ``Blood Feud''
1060%Ned: Come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're going to fire up ol'
1060% Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy-nummy-num!
1060% [hands Homer an invitation]
1060%Homer: I'll be there! [sotto voce] Notty-notty-not.
1060%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1061%The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon.
1061%Incredible Ned-ibles.
1061%Maude-acious vittles.
1061%-- Lisa reads Ned's barbecue invitation, ``When Flanders Failed''
1062%Stupid Flanders. Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back
1062%and I was dead from not eating. They'd cry their eyes out. [mock crying]
1062%``We should have never gone to the Flanders'. Oh, why did we go to the
1062%Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?'' And I'll be laughing,
1062%laughing from my grave, ha ha ha.
1062%-- Homer really knows how to show 'em, ``When Flanders Failed''
1063%Hmm, let's see...
1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
1063%Naah...
1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
1063%Mmm...
1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON WINS SUPER BOWL]
1063%Hey!
1063%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
1064%Come on, Homer. I've got an ambition to do some wishin'!
1064%-- Ned Flanders, ``When Flanders Failed''
1065%[dreams of a penniless Ned]
1065%Ooh!
1065%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
1065% a `Going out of business' sign]
1065%Heh heh heh heh.
1065%[dreams of a grave with the tombstone, ``RIP Ned Flanders']
1065%Eh, too far.
1065%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
1065% a `Going out of business' sign]
1065%Mm! Okay, ready.
1065%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
1066%Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
1066%Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.
1066%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1067%Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend.
1067%-- Homer explains, ``When Flanders Failed''
1068%Akira: Hello, I am Akira. Ha! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
1068% That didn't hurt very much, because I know the ancient art of karate.
1068% [lying on his back with a giant rock on his chest, as two men pound the
1068% rock with sledgehammers]
1068% Karate focuses the mind and gives you self-confidence.
1068% People from all walks of life...
1068% Doctors...
1068%Man: Hai-ya! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead, in the process,
1068% breaking his glasses, which he forgot to take off]
1068%Akira: Home makers...
1068%Woman: Hoi-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
1068%Akira: Landscape architects...
1068%Woman: Haiiiii-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
1068%Akira: Choreographers...
1068%Man: Hoa! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
1068%Akira: High karate, at low, low prices.
1068%George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal!
1068% [smashes a wooden board with his head]
1068% [TV caption: Washington's Birthday Sale, $10 a lesson]
1068%-- TV advertisement, ``When Flanders Failed''
1069%Absotively posilutely!
1069%-- Ned Flanders' way of saying, `yes', ``When Flanders Failed''
1070%Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
1070%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy.
1070% Can we break out the nunchucks?
1070%Akira: Ah yes, the impetuousness of youth. For now, let us read...
1070%Bart: Akira, my good man, when do we break block of ice with our heads?
1070%Akira: First, you must fill you head with wisdom, then you can hit ice with it.
1070%Bart: Yo, sensei. Can I go to the bathroom?
1070%Akira: You can if you believe you can.
1070%Bart: [leaving] Pay money to read books, pffft. The hell with this!
1070%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
1071%Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
1071%Homer: No, I do not know what shaden-frawde is.
1071% [sarcasm] Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
1071%Lisa: It's a German term for `shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering
1071% of others.
1071%Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
1071% [getting mad]
1071% He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones,
1071% and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy
1071% thing of yours?
1071%Lisa: [nastily] Sour grapes.
1071%Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!
1071%-- Selbstverstaendlich! ``When Flanders Failed''
1072%Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
1072%-- Marge, ``When Flanders Failed''
1073%Homer: Hey, boy! How was class?
1073%Bart: Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him
1073% before he dies!
1073%Homer: Ooh. That'll learn him.
1073%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
1074%Ned: I think word of mouth is starting to spread.
1074%Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
1074%Ned: Oh, right as rain! Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh.
1074%Man: Just stamp the ticket.
1074%Ned: Oh, okay.
1074%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1075%Burns: And what's your name?
1075%Homer: Homer Simpson, sir.
1075%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'm Monty Burns.
1075%-- Pleased to meet you, again, ``When Flanders Failed''
1076%Burns: [reads an entry in the suggestion box]
1076% `Keep that handsome owner out of sight,
1076% he's distracting the female employees'.
1076% Oh, Smithers...
1076%Smithers: You got me, sir.
1076%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1077%Burns: Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!
1077%Homer: Um, Mr. Burns? ... [dreams of Ned's Leftorium store]
1077%Ned: [in Homer's dream] Come on, Homer, tell him about the store!
1077% I'm dying out here!
1077%Homer: Sorry, Flanders. [leaves]
1077%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1078%Ned: See anything you like? [at Ned's lawn sale]
1078%Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough
1078% for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello!
1078%-- Homer espies Ned's gas grill, ``When Flanders Failed''
1079%Homer: Hey, Bartly-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney?
1079%Bart: Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly!
1079%Homer: Heh heh, duddly-doodly.
1079%-- Talking like Ned Flanderoosky, ``When Flanders Failed''
1080%I'm sure did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.
1080%-- Lisa, ``When Flanders Failed''
1081%Chuck: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Chuck Ellis, from the Springfield Collection
1081% Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay
1081% your bills.
1081%Homer: Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many!
1081%Chuck: Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money?
1081% We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.
1081%Homer: I know, but... Wait a minute, I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives
1081% over there. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?
1081%Chuck: Ha. We don't make mistakes.
1081%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1082%Ned: At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace,
1082% but even the Good Book can't help me now.
1082%Homer: Why not?
1082%Ned: I sold it to you for seven cents.
1082%Homer: Oh.
1082%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1083%Homer: Listen, Flanders, you still have that store?
1083%Ned: For two more days. [sniff] It becomes Libertarian Party headquarters.
1083% I hope they have better luck than I did.
1083%-- Fat chance, ``When Flanders Failed''
1084%`Kiss me, I'm left-handed''? [laughs] Oh, that's a classic! [laughs]
1084%Whoa! [falls off the table]
1084%-- Barney, bastion of balance, ``When Flanders Failed''
1085%It's all here, and it's all backwards!
1085%-- Homer hypes Ned's Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
1086%Burns: [talking to a tin can]
1086% Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?
1086% Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of
1086% the left hand of Burns!
1086%Moe: My life begins today!
1086%Barney: [wearing a `Kiss me, I'm left-handed' shirt] Wow, what an icebreaker!
1086% [two pretty girls kiss him]
1086%Chuck: Left-handed ledgers! Now I can write all the way to the edge!
1086%Akira: Ha ha ha. Left-handed nunchucks!
1086%-- Shopping at the Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
1087%Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends.
1087%-- Ned, ``When Flanders Failed''
1088%Hey, we're like the Waltons. We're praying for the end of the Depression, too.
1088%-- Bart reacts to President Bush's 1992 State of the Union Address
1089%Lisa: [wakes up Bart]
1089%Bart: Lisa! It's 6am! Something's wrong. Dad died!
1089%Lisa: No no, he's fine!
1089%Bart: Well, whaddya know, I'm relieved.
1089%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1090%Lisa: Bart, in two days, I'm going to be eight years old.
1090% It's a big number, almost double digits.
1090%Bart: Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the
1090% big one-oh. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good
1090% any more...
1090%Lisa: Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out?
1090%Bart: Sorry, this old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he.
1090%-- Pre-life crisis? ``Stark Raving Dad''
1091%Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hot-Line!
1091%If you haven't asked your parent's permission, naughty-naughty!
1091%But Krusty forgives you.
1091%($2 for the first minute, 50 cents for each additional minute.)
1091%[laughs and laughs and laughs]
1091%Thanks for calling, kids! A new message every day!
1091%-- 1-909-O-U-KLOWN, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1092%Marge: Bart, I asked you to watch your sister [Maggie].
1092%Bart: I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me!
1092%-- A likely story, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1093%Aagh! Pink?
1093%Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work.
1093%Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different...
1093%-- Homer finds all his shirts are pinko, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1094%Burns: Why is that man in pink!
1094%Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir.
1094% He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
1094%Burns: Simpson, eh?
1094%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1095%Burns: Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of
1095% free-thinking anarchist.
1095%Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
1095%Burns: Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already
1095% paid for themselves...
1095%-- Homer wears a pink shirt to work, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1096%Burns: Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here?
1096%Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity
1096% took months. That's all changed, thanks to the Marvin Monroe
1096% take-home personality test. Twenty simple questions that will
1096% determine exactly how crazy or [makes quotation sign with fingers]
1096% `meshuggeneh' someone is. [hands it to Homer]
1096%Homer: [reading] Print name? [moans] Oh...
1096%-- In triplicate, please... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1097%Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
1097%Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
1097%Homer: D'oh!! Oh, okay.
1097%Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson.
1097% [reads]
1097% I had a cat named Snowball --
1097% She died! She died!
1097% Mom said she was sleeping --
1097% She lied! She lied!
1097% Why oh why is my cat dead?
1097% Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
1097% [next verse]
1097% I had a hamster named Snuffy --
1097% He died...
1097%Homer: [takes his form] No deal.
1097%-- Death and Transfiguration, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1098%Bart: Dad, maybe you should do this.
1098%Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me.
1098% Remember that absentee ballot?
1098%-- On filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1099%Announcer: Our $50,000 home video finalists are...
1099% Man Breaking Hip. [sound of bowling pins, followed by a scream]
1099%Homer: [chuckles]
1099%Announcer: [chuckles]
1099% Dog On Fire.
1099% [doing a doggy voice]
1099% Ruff, anybody order a hot dog?
1099%Homer: [laughs uproariously] Oh, look at him!
1099%Announcer: And finally, Baby With a Nail Gun. [kachunk]
1099%Homer: Aww....
1099%Announcer: Cast your votes now!
1099%Homer: Dog On Fire! Dog On Fire!
1099%-- America's Stupidest Home Videos, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1100%Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices?
1100%Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV...
1100%Bart: [checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger?
1100%Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up!
1100%Bart: [checks] Yes. Do you wet your pants? Well, even the best of us
1100% has an occasional accident.
1100% [checks the remainder of the form `Yes' all the way down]
1100%-- Filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1101%Careful, men. He wets his pants.
1101%-- Smithers' instructions to security, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1102%Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot]
1102%Homer: Eh, the devil with his fly open.
1102%Doctor: Right. [shows another]
1102%Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're
1102% going to eat it.
1102%Doctor: Good. [shows another, which looks like Bart]
1102%Homer: THE BOY!!!!!! [restrained by two orderlies]
1102%-- I'm perfectly normal, really... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1103%Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
1103%Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method.
1103% [stamps his hand, `INSANE']
1103% Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.
1103%-- Does that mean he can come back for free? ``Stark Raving Dad''
1104%Homer: Who are you?
1104%Man: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons.
1104%Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons...
1104%-- Homer meets his cell-mate at the asylum, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1104% [A little meta-humor for your enjoyment.]
1105%Man: I can't believe you never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer.
1105%Homer: Oh, of I've heard of you! I mean, you'd have to be living
1105% under a rock not to know... What'd you say your name was?
1105%Man: Michael Jackson.
1105%Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
1105%-- I own a mansion and a yacht... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1106%Man: Well, have you heard of MTV?
1106%Homer: No.
1106%Man: Motown.
1106%Homer: No.
1106%Man: Beat It.
1106%Homer: beat it!
1106%Man: Thriller.
1106%Homer: What was that last one?
1106%Man: Thriller.
1106%Homer: Nope.
1106%Man: Well, how about this...
1106% [sings Billy Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab,
1106% and moonwalk]
1106%Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet?
1106%Man: The moonwalk?
1106%Homer: No, that thing with your feet!
1106%Man: Here, look. Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on
1106% the ball of your foot. [demonstrates]
1106%Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards] D'oh!
1106%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1107%Man: You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here?
1107%Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt.
1107%Man: I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed...
1107%Homer: What'd you wear?
1107%Man: One white glove, covered with rhinestones.
1107%Homer: [crosses his eyes and does that `bebebebebebe' thing with his lips]
1107%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1108%Lisa: Bart, in the split second before he died,
1108% I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present.
1108% Do you see how this relates to us?
1108%Bart: Hey, you want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it, Sis.
1108%- Lisa fishes for a birthday gift, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1109%Man: Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. Give him any two
1109% numbers, and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
1109%Homer: Okay. Five times nine.
1109%Floyd: Forty-five.
1109%Homer: Wow!
1109%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1110%Homer: I gotta call my family. Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling them
1110% from a nuthouse. I mean, they think I'm a god!
1110%Man: I could call them for you.
1110%Homer: Oh great. And uh, try to put a good face on it.
1110% Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.
1110%-- HS, Phone Home... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1111%Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
1111%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1112%Man: Hello? Who's this?
1112%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
1112%Man: I'm Michael Jackson.
1112%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1113%Man: I'm Michael Jackson.
1113%Bart: Michael Jackson? [makes scoffing sound] No way!
1113%Man: It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.
1113%Bart: Uh huh. And is Elvis with you?
1113%Man: Could be. It's a big hospital.
1113%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1114%Man: Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a
1114% lobotomy, do you?
1114%Bart: Hm... lobotomy...
1114% [begin dream]
1114% [Bart is playing in the house and breaks a lamp]
1114%Homer: [stitches on forehead still visible, wearing his pink shirt]
1114% [zombie-like] That's all right, son...
1114% [end dream]
1114%Bart: Well, there's probably a down side I don't see.
1114%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1115%[Bart jots down a message]
1115%Uh huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us. Needs us. Fears he may never see
1115%us again. Got it. [hangs up]
1115%Michael Jackson, woo hoo! I love you, man!
1115%-- A difference of priorities, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1116%Bart: Hey, Mom! Dad's in a mental institution!
1116%Marge: Oh, my God... Mother was right!
1116%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1117%Man: Don't you worry. Your family's going to be here before you know it.
1117%Patient: Forget it, pal.
1117% There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty.
1117%Homer: What's that?
1117%Patient: Dating a nurse.
1117%Homer: [whining] Oh!
1117%-- Escape from New Bedlam, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1118%Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house!
1118%Bart: No, Mom, you said poor house.
1118%Marge: I said crazy house.
1118%Bart: Poor house.
1118%Marge: Crazy house.
1118%Bart: Poor house.
1118%Marge: Crazy house!
1118%-- Den of iniquity? ``Stark Raving Dad''
1119%Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam ``Wrongly Committed'' Hot-line.
1119%All of our operators are currently busy. Please stand by.
1119%[Muzak is `Crazy', Patsy Cline's biggest hit (written by Willie Nelson).]
1119%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1120%Homer: [talking in his sleep] pancakes... football... boobies...
1120% pork rinds... waffles...
1120%Man: [to his stuffed animal] Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.
1120%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1121%Dave: So I was working in an insurance company, right? Youngest VP
1121% in the history of the firm, okay? The job was my life.
1121% Then one Monday morning, I got up. I got up, I couldn't leave
1121% the house. I just couldn't.
1121%Homer: Was the door locked?
1121%Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there.
1121%Homer: Was it raining?
1121%Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and
1121% crowds. Please, Dave, go on.
1121%Dave: Thank you. Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that
1121% long drive to work.
1121%Homer: Were you out of gas?
1121%Nurse: [glares at Homer]
1121%Homer: Pffft. Baby...
1121%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1122%Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution
1122% complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
1122%Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning
1122% our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
1122%Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!
1122%-- Springing Homer from the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
1122% ``Stark Raving Dad''
1123%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no
1123% threat to yourself or others.
1123%Homer: That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me.
1123% Can I have it in writing, please?
1123%Doctor: Of course. [hands Homer a certificate:
1123% This certifies
1123% HOMER SIMPSON
1123% not insane.]
1123%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1124%Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
1124%Man: Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily.
1124%Homer: You are!? Why?
1124%Man: Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my `Off the Wall'
1124% album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.
1124%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1125%Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
1125%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1126%Homer: [on the phone with Bart]
1126% I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days.
1126% [aside] Isn't that cute, he's heard of you.
1126% [to phone] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some
1126% beer on ice...
1126%Man: Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
1126%Homer: Are you you're here voluntarily?
1126%-- Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
1126% ``Stark Raving Dad''
1127%Bart: [on the phone]
1127% Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul.
1127% ...
1127% No, not even Millhouse. [hangs up]
1127% [intense, but brief, mental struggle]
1127% [dials phone]
1127% Hello, Millhouse? Can you keep a secret?
1127%Millhouse: No.
1127%Bart: Oh, well, who cares.
1127%-- I've got a secret, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1128%This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town
1128%since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that
1128%Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be
1128%henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.
1128%-- Mayor `Diamond' Joe Quimby, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1129%Lisa: Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join
1129% them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised
1129% to get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask...
1129%Bart: You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.
1129%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1130%Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me
1130%to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps
1130%if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant
1130%family reunion. But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [sobs]
1130%-- Lisa writes a letter to Bart, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1131%Bart: I can't write a song, I'm only ten.
1131%Man: Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records!
1131%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1132%Bart: Looney Toons, this is what Michael Jackson looks like.
1132% [shows an album]
1132% You're nothing but a big fat mental patient.
1132%Man: You'd be amazed how often I hear that.
1132%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1133%[to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March]
1133%Lisa, her teeth are big and green.
1133%Lisa, she smells like gasoline.
1133%Lisa, da da da Disa.
1133%She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a.
1133%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1134%Man: Oh, she looks sad.
1134%Bart: That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her.
1134%Lisa: [turns] Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look
1134% exactly the same even if you weren't.
1134%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1135%Man: Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight?
1135%Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike...
1135%Man: Good. That's good. [plays and sings]
1135% Your training wheels come off your bike,
1135% You start to notice boy you like. Hee hee hee!
1135%Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial.
1135%Man: [chuckles]
1135%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1136%Man: [in his normal voice] Well, my work is done here.
1136%Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?
1136%Man: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer
1136% from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one
1136% day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this.
1136% [in his normal voice] All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me,
1136% and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it.
1136% To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
1136%Homer: Not me, I've got this! [shows his certificate]
1136%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1137%Marge: Bye-bye, Leon.
1137%Lisa: You're a credit to dementia!
1137%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1138%Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
1138%Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling
1138%going on, folks...
1138%-- Bill Pie ``in the Sky'', KBBL traffic report, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1139%This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble. All talk, 24 hours a day.
1139%If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening
1139%audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin
1139%Monroe. The number is 555-PAIN.
1139%[Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone]
1139%Don't be afraid, call now!
1139%[Marge dashes for the phone]
1139%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1140%Dr.MM: Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of
1140% a marriage.
1140%Homer: Hey, turn it up! I love hearing those wackos!
1140%-- The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1141%Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist] Tell me about your husband, Marge.
1141%Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more
1141% romantic! ... [beginning to sob] And forty pounds thinner,
1141% and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently] And he ate
1141% with utensils! [breaks down crying]
1141%-- Marge calls KBBL, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1142%Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing.
1142%Marge: [pause] Oh, okay. Well, thank you. [about to hang up]
1142%Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up!
1142%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1143%Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother.
1143% You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
1143%Marge: Really?
1143%Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.
1143% Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got
1143% to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you,
1143% you will be leaving.
1143%Marge: Leave Homer!?
1143%Dr.MM: Please! Don't use his real name!
1143%Marge: Leave Pedro!?
1143%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1144%Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
1144%Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor.
1144%Moe: Moe's Tavern.
1144%Bart: Hello, is Al there?
1144%Moe: Al?
1144%Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
1144%Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic.
1144% Is there an Al Coholic here?
1144% [bar denizens laugh]
1144% Wait a minute...
1144% [to phone]
1144% Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out
1144% who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
1144%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1145%Homer: Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
1145%Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am! [huge belch]
1145%-- From someone who should know, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1146%Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the
1146% town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
1146%-- Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1147%Homer: [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers.
1147%Florist: What kind of flowers?
1147%Homer: Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
1147%Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55
1147% a dozen.
1147%Homer: [thinks] One, please.
1147%-- Think small, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1148%Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment.
1148%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
1148%Bart: Is Oliver there?
1148%Moe: Who?
1148%Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
1148%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver
1148% Clothesoff!
1148%Bart+Lisa: [laugh]
1148%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1149%Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree!
1149%Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive!
1149%Homer: It matters not, mon frere!
1149%-- A night on the town with the boys? ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1150%Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
1150%Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son.
1150%Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago?
1150%Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
1150%-- Just checking, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1151%Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a
1151%quite misunderstood and underrated family.
1151%-- Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1152%Aye-aye, Mambo-Man!
1152%-- Bart, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1153%[moaning] Oh! The Elves! The Elves!
1153%-- Quasi-Bart-o, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1154%Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more!
1154%Lisa: But I want to see what happens.
1154%Bart: You what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure.
1154% All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The End.
1154%Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
1154%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1155%The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
1155%If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
1155%-- ``Some Enchanged Evening''
1156%The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living
1156%room, while the bandit roamed the house at will,
1156%[TV pans over an empty house]
1156%stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for!
1156%-- Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1157%Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
1157%-- Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt,
1157% ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1158%Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski.
1158% You're the Babysitter Bandit.
1158%Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep
1158% your mouth shut.
1158%Lisa: He isn't.
1158%-- A little knowledge, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1159%Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you?
1159%Lisa: We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit! She's tied up
1159% at our house right now!
1159%Bart: Ask if there's a reward.
1159%Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
1159%Bart: Yeah!
1159%-- Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1160%Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice?
1160%Homer: Sure.
1160%Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
1160%-- Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1161%Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
1161%Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, you raised three
1161% children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger,
1161% you must be doing right.
1161%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1162%Lisa: `Id', triple-word score!
1162%Homer: No abbreviations.
1162%Lisa; Not I.D., Dad, `id'. It's a word!
1162%Bart: As in ``This game is stoop-id''.
1162%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
1163%Bart: Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
1163% Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points
1163% for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. [gets up]
1163%Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right]
1163% Wait a minute, you little cheater!
1163% You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
1163%Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
1163%Marge: And a short temper.
1163%Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
1163%Bart: [making his escape] Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!
1163%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
1164%Pr.Sk: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
1164%Martin: And a sloppy speller, too.
1164% The preferred spelling of `wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R,
1164% althoug E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
1164%Pr.Sk: Good point.
1164%-- Either way, he's still a weiner. ``Bart the Genius''
1165%Now I don't want you to worry, class. These test will have no effect on your
1165%grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
1165%[looks at Bart] If any.
1165%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
1166%Remember to visualize the complex problem.
1166%And relaaaaax. The test will start... [looks around calmly] [yells] Now!
1166%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
1167%Bart: [reading a test question]
1167% The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe
1167% bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away.
1167%Ms.K: Shhh! [points to her head] Visualize it, Bart!
1167%Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white] At the same time, the local train
1167% travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix
1167% bound for Santa Fe. It is eight cars long and always carries the
1167% same number of passengers in each car. [Bart counts five passengers on
1167% the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head)
1167% and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5. The train travels through a numerical
1167% landscape.]
1167% An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of
1167% minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six
1167% get on. [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.]
1167% At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice
1167% as many get on as got on at the first stop. [Trampled again.
1167% Bart spits out a number.]
1167%Train conductor: Ticket, please.
1167%Bart: I don't have a ticket!
1167%Train conductor: Come with me, boy.
1167% [drags Bart off. Numbers circle Bart's head]
1167% We've got a stowaway, sir.
1167%Bart: I'll pay! How much?
1167% [the train engineer is... Martin! Shoveling numbers into the engine.]
1167%Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare
1167% Albuquerque to El Paso! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
1167%-- Math is Hell, ``Bart the Genius''
1168%What are you looking at, Bart! Are those naughty dogs back again?
1168%-- Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, ``Bart the Genius''
1169%Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning.
1169% We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly
1169% unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
1169%Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
1169%Marge: [whispers to Homer]
1169%Homer: Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner]
1169% My wife thinks you want to pay for it.
1169%Pr.Sk: That the idea.
1169%Homer: Oh.
1169%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1170%What do need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
1170%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
1171%Dr.J: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but
1171% as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt.
1171% [hands Homer a slip of paper]
1171%Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!?
1171%Dr.J: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen.
1171%Homer: [disappointed] Oh.
1171%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1172%Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers]
1172% Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
1172%Bart: Oh, you bet.
1172%Dr.J: Mm hm. Do you ever feel a little frustrated?
1172%Bart: All the time, sir.
1172%Dr.J: Uh huh. And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own
1172% intellectual development on an independent basis?
1172%Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man.
1172%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Genius''
1173%Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him.
1173%Dr.J: No, I think we should move him to another school.
1173%Pr.Sk: Even better!
1173%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1174%Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen?
1174%Dr.J: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity
1174% and environment.
1174%Homer: [stares blankly]
1174%Dr.J: Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
1174%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1175%Marge: It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more
1175% nutritious.
1175%Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he
1175% is today! [looks at the box] It must be one of these chemicals
1175% here that makes him so smart... Lisa?
1175%Lisa: [looks up from her granola]
1175%Homer: Maybe you should try some of this.
1175%Marge: Homer!
1175%Homer: I'm just saying, why not have geniuses in the family?
1175% Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
1175%-- First day of genius school, ``Bart the Genius''
1176%Bart: Oh no, ties!
1176%Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine.
1176% Here, let me show you how to put on a tie.
1176% [takes off his clip-on]
1176% The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there.
1176%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1177%Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may
1177%achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations:
1177%You may outsmart someone!
1177%-- Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children,
1177% ``Bart the Genius''
1178%Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
1178%Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him]
1178% Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
1178%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1179%Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm...
1179% mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
1179%Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum ``I dunno'']
1179%Lisa: [brightly] Nurturing.
1179%Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain.
1179%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1180%Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed,
1180% it starts at eight.
1180%Bart: [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight...
1180%Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead
1180% and enjoy the show.
1180%Marge: Homer, you're going, too.
1180%Homer: But I'm not a genius! Why should suffer!?
1180%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1181%Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor.
1181%Please use the cuspador.
1181%That's what it's for.
1181%-- Bart at the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
1182%Marge: Bart, stop fooling around!
1182% Homer, stop encouraging him.
1182%Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're to encourage him.
1182%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
1183%Homer: Who's the lard-butt?
1183%Lisa: He's the bullfighter.
1183%Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
1183%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
1184%Ms.M: So y = r^3/3. And if you determine the rate of change in this
1184% curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
1184%Class: [chuckles]
1184%Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr,
1184% or r dr r. Har-de-har-har, get it?
1184%Bart: [not amused] Oh, yeah. [forced laugh]
1184%-- Making math fun, ``Bart the Genius''
1185%It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.
1185%-- Dr. J. Loren Pryor, ``Bart the Genius''
1186%I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors
1186%before he invented the light bulb.
1186%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
1187%Ms.K: [blows whistle] Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a
1187% repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So
1187% I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you,
1187% Bart Simpson.
1187%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!
1187%-- It was like that when I got there! ``Homer's Odyssey''
1188%Oooh, sorry little dudes. Party hearty equals tardy.
1188%-- Otto, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1189%Bart: Hey Otto! Hey Otto-man!
1189%Otto: Hey Bart-dude!
1189%Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto?
1189%Otto: Ho! Funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up
1189% with this one. [lifts his sleeve]
1189%Bart: Cooool! I want one!
1189%Otto: Not till your fourteen, my little friend.
1189%Bart: [forlorn look]
1189%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1190%Please try not to shake the seat like that.
1190%-- Wendell rides on the school bus, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1191%Ms.K: Now class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the
1191% window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck
1191% his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck
1191% coming in the other direction.
1191%Bart: [arm tucked inside his shirt] And I was that fool!
1191%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1192%Lewis: Look, there's our school again!
1192%Ms. K: Otto, are you sure you...
1192%Otto: It's a shortcut Mrs. K, trust me!
1192%-- Field trip, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1193%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel!
1193%Mrs K: Bart! Not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the
1193% humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
1193%Bart: Can I pick the song?
1193%Mrs K: No! The song will be `John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man'.
1193%Bart: [moans] Oh no. [zips his mouth shut]
1193%Sherry: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson.
1193%Terry: Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.
1193% [they consult privately, giggle, then both lean over the
1193% bus seat and kiss Bart]
1193%Bart: Waaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
1193%Ms.K: That's it Bart! Oh, why can't you be more like... uh... uh... uh...
1193%S+T: [raising their hands] Us, Mrs. Krabappel?
1193%Otto: Yeah... Sherry and Terry, they know how to behave.
1193%S+T: [halos appear over their heads as they sit angelically on the bus]
1193%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1194%Bart: Da-da, da da-da, DA, Whoa!
1194% They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard. [ungh]
1194% And buried him in the sand. (oh yeah)
1194% And every locomotive that came rollin' by
1194%Ms.K: Bart!
1194%Bart: said
1194% There lies a steel-driving man,
1194%Ms.K: Bart!
1194%Bart: (lord lord, ooh)
1194% There lies a steel...
1194%Ms.K: Okay, Bart, that's enough!
1194%-- Bart sings as punishment, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1195%Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this...
1195%A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly]
1195%-- Nuclear Energy, our misunderstood friend, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1196%Uh-oh. Looks like there's a little left-over nuclear waste.
1196%[pulls out a hand broom] No problem!
1196%I'll just put them where nobody will find them for a million years!
1196%[sweeps the wasties under a throw rug and stomps them down]
1196%-- Smilin' Joe Fission, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1197%Sherry: Hey Bart! Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
1197%Bart: What does incompetent mean?
1197%Terry: It means he spends more time yacking and scarfing down donuts than
1197% doing his job.
1197%Bart: Oh, okay. I though you where putting me down.
1197%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1198%Ya know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and
1198%ones baked today!
1198%-- Homer enjoys some donuts, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1199%Supervisor: All right, who's responsible for this?
1199% [everyone points at Homer]
1199%Homer: [meekly raises his hand]
1199%Supervisor: I might have known it was you, Simpson.
1199%Homer: But sir, I...
1199%Supervisor: I don't want to hear about it Simpson, your fired!
1199% [looks up to catwalk]
1199% Oh, hi, girls!
1199%Sherry+Terry: [waving] Hi, Daddy!
1199%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1200%Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
1200%Homer: Those perfectionists, forget it.
1200%Lisa: How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.
1200%Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
1200%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1201%There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of
1201%industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.
1201%-- Marge, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1202%I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.
1202%-- Homer bemoans his lost job, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1203%Bart: Is Mister Freely there?
1203%Moe: Who?
1203%Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
1203%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here?
1203% Hey everybody, I. P. Freely!
1203% [the customers laugh]
1203% Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a
1203% hold of you, your dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.
1203%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1204%Marge: Are you all right, Homer?
1204%Homer: I'm fine, I'm just thinking.
1204%Marge: I've been thinking, too. You know Homer, you've always been such a
1204% good provider... but when we got married, even Mr. Burger promised I
1204% could come back to my old job any time I wanted.
1204%Homer: You think you can still do that line of work?
1204%Marge: Sure, you never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle.
1204% [at a drive-in restaurant]
1204%Otto: Hey Momma, where's my fries already!
1204% [Marge skates in, somewhat annoyed]
1204%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1205%Lisa: Dad! Eat something! [holds up a sandwich] It's got mustard on it.
1205% [Homer's eye view of the ceiling]
1205% [Bart leans in and waves his hand. Lisa also leans in.]
1205%Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
1205%Lisa: I don't know what else to do.
1205%Maggie: [pokes Homer in the eye. The picture fuzzes.]
1205%Bart: There's only one thing we can do... take advantage of the old
1205% guy. You've gotta sign my report card, Dad.
1205% [Bart takes Homer's hand and scrawls his name]
1205%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1206%TV Announcer: Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be
1206% back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
1206%Duff Beer commercial: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat
1206% around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer
1206% that makes the days fly by!
1206%Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
1206%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1207%Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
1207%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1208%[smashes open Bart's piggy bank with a hammer]
1208%Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank,
1208%and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer.
1208%Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... [counts] not even close.
1208%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1209%Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
1209%Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not.
1209% Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
1209%-- Homer walks down the street with a rock tied to his waist,
1209% ``Homer's Odyssey''
1210%Homer: Boy! This intersection is dangerous. Someone oughta put a
1210% stop sign here. [a beam of sunlight graces Homer's face]
1210%Marge: Oh, Homer, how could think of killing yourself? We love you.
1210%Lisa: Yeah, Dad, we love you.
1210%Bart: Yeah!
1210% [during Homer's speech, the sun rises slowly in the distance]
1210%Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now
1210% I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to
1210% face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until
1210% this street gets a stop sign!
1210%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1211%Chief Wiggum: Well it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a
1211% graffiti vandal know as El Barto. Police artists have a
1211% composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information,
1211% please contact us immediately.
1211%Bart: [looking at the `Wanted' poster that shares only a slight resemblance]
1211% Cool man!
1211%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1212%Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls,
1212% retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many,
1212% many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman
1212% ancestors, to the...
1212%Esteemed Councilman: Simpson! Get to the point.
1212%Homer: I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The
1212% other...
1212%Councilman: All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye.
1212% Approved, Meeting adjourned.
1212%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1213%If they think I'm going stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
1213%-- Homer becomes safety-conscious, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1214%Homer: But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a
1214% danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together.
1214%Lisa: What, Dad?
1214%Homer: I'm talking about ! [points at the SNPP]
1214%Marge: You mean your going to pick on your old bosses?
1214%Lisa: Wow!
1214%Bart: Gee, Dad's a hero.
1214%Homer: Whadja say, son?
1214%Bart: Nuthin'.
1214%Homer: That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I though I heard you say.
1214%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1215%He also brought you the speed bump [cheer!]
1215%The dip sign [cheer!]
1215%The fifteen mile per hour speed limit on Main Street [boo!]
1215%I give you the man who's very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson!
1215%-- Demonstration in front of SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1216%Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
1216%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1217%Burns: Look at that man, he has the crowd in the palm of his hand. I
1217% haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. [to Smithers]
1217% Who is he?
1217%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant,
1217% but we fired him for gross incompetence.
1217%Burns: Ah, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here
1217% right now.
1217%Smithers: But Mr. Burns!
1217%Burns: I said do it, now DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
1217%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1218%Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I,
1218%many of them incompetent boobs.
1218%I know this because I worked alongside them,
1218%gone bowling with them,
1218%watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.
1218%And I say... This stinks!
1218%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1219%Smithers: Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately.
1219%Homer: [still speaking through the megaphone] Privately?
1219%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1220%Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet.
1220%-- Monty Burns' famous words, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1221%Burns: Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical
1221% supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you
1221% used to be. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
1221%Homer: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more
1221% accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward]
1221% including a few doozies no one every found out about.
1221%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1222%Homer: [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety?
1222% This place could blow sky-high.
1222% Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now.
1222% Hey, this guy's desk sure is big.
1222% I can't let Marge support the family!
1222% This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen.
1222% What should I...
1222%Burns: Simpson! Time's up.
1222%Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job.
1222%-- A carefully-thought-out decision, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1223%Burns: You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just
1223% for your principles?
1223%Homer: Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched,
1223% but that's the lug your looking at... and I vow to continue
1223% spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of
1223% course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me
1223% the job.
1223%Burns: Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing
1223% indicates.
1223%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1224%Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
1224%-- Monty Burns, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1225%Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog.
1225%So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow
1225%yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You
1225%have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us,
1225%and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The
1225%only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you...
1225%But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at
1225%this very plant, and a big fat raise!
1225%-- Homer's announcement, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1226%You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
1226%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1227% Bart: Yeah, Oh yeah! yeah! oh Yeah!
1227% Lisa: yeah! yeah, yeah, Yeah!
1227% Homer: [running into the room, picking both kids up by the collar]
1227% Hey! What's the problem here?
1227% Lisa: We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
1227% Homer: [touched] You where? [sniff] Aww -- well, go ahead.
1227% [releases the kids]
1227% Bart: You love him more.
1227% Lisa: No, you do!
1227% Bart: No I don't!
1227% Lisa: Yes you DO!
1227% Bart: NO I DON'T!
1228% Homer: [growling] Look! You better get this out of your system right now,
1228% I don't you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
1228%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1229% Homer: Hhmmmm, marshmallows,,
1229% [helps himself to one, then belches a la' Barney]
1229% Marge: [standing in the passageway to the den, arms folded] Ho-mer!
1229% Homer: I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate flatuations (?)
1229% out of my system while I can, Marge. I don't want to embarrass
1229% myself at the company picnic.
1229%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1230% Homer: [looking to the kitchen counter] Are you sure that's enough? You
1230% know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin dessert!
1230% Marge: Oh Homer, Mr Burns just said he liked it,, [indicates with her
1230% finger] Once.
1230% Homer: Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the
1230% word [dejectivley] Bonehead.
1230%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1231% Homer: Okay, now look. My Boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
1231% you to show your father some love and/or respect.
1231% Lisa: Tough choice.
1231% Bart: I'm picking respect.
1231%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1232% Burns: Oh please please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good
1232% time. [to Smithers] Fire that man Smithers, I don't want him, or
1232% his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
1232% Smithers: He'll be gone by the Tug-o-war sir.
1232% Burns: Excellent.
1232%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1233% Homer: Ah, afternoon Mr Burns!
1233% Burns: Hello there.. ah.. ah..
1233% Homer: [whispering to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
1233% Smithers: [handing a record card to Burns] Here you go sir.
1233% Burns: Ah! Oh yes,, [reading the card] Oh, and this must be your lovely
1233% wife [pauses] Marge. [she smiles]
1233% Ho ho, look at little.. ah [consults the card] Lisa! Why, she's
1233% growing like a weed.
1233% And this must be.. ah, Brat!
1233% Brat: [unimpressed] Bart.
1233% Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
1233%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1234% Burns: [slapping forehead] Oh for the love of Peta,, that's all that
1234% anyone brought. Some damned fool went around telling everyone that
1234% I loved that slimy goop! [family taken aback] Well, toss it in the
1234% pile over there [pointing to several rooms full of GD], and... make
1234% yourself at home.
1234% Bart: Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch
1234% yourself.
1234% Homer: [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me!
1234% Burns: Trouble, Simpson?
1234% Homer: [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating
1234% the son on a fine joke about his old man. [nervously pats Bart's
1234% head]
1234%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1235% Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
1235% Lisa: Hey Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
1235% Homer: D'oh! [chasing after the two] Be Normal! Be Normal!
1235%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1236% Marge: Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
1236% Mother1: Your right. [turns on the TV]
1236%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1237% Homer: Bart! Lisa! [swans stampede Homer] Willya,, D'oh,, Where are are
1237% you kids! [Bart beans Homer with a rock] Ow!
1237% Bart: Oops. [Homer grabs Bart] Whoa, careful Dad. Blow a gasket, and
1237% you lose you job.
1237% Announcement over Loudspeaker:
1237% NOW HEAR THIS, THE FATHER-SON SACK RACE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES
1237% ON THE NORTH LAWN. PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY, REPEAT MANDATORY.
1237% THAT IS ALL.
1237% Homer: You remember the rules from last year?
1237% Bart: Yeah, shut my mouth and let your Boss win.
1237%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1238% Red-haired Mother: I don't know who to love more,, My son Joshua who's
1238% captain of the school team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead
1238% in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker,
1238% but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do?
1238% Marge: [helping herself to ample amounts of the punch] Umm-hmm. Well I
1238% sense greatness in my family.
1238% Mother1: family?
1238% Marge: Well, it's a greatness that others can't see,, but it's there, and
1238% if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.
1239% Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, [woozily] but I think there's a
1239% little al-key-hol in this punch. [scoops another cupful]
1239%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1240% Bart: Man, this is pathetic! I'm going for it!
1240%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1241% Marge: Here we sit, enjoying the shade.
1241% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
1241% Marge: Drink the drink that I have made.
1241% Wives: Hey Marge and pour the wine!
1241% Marge: He's here with me, my one and only.
1241% [Homer runs past chasing the kids. He sees Marge, ``Huh?'']
1241% Drink my friends and don't be lonely.
1241% [Homer slaps forehead, ``Oh!'']
1241% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
1241%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1242% Homer: Snap out of it Marge! You've gotta come with me, the Boss is going
1242% to make a toast.
1242% Marge: Whoa-oh, I'm not much of a drinker. [collapses]
1242% Homer: You picked a perfect time to start, you... [Marge gazes at him]
1242%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1243% Burns: Musicians, cease that infernal tootling!
1243% [Smithers hands him a palm card]
1243% Thank you all.
1243% [handed another card]
1243% ah,, For coming.
1243%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1244% Burns: [politely, smiling] But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get
1244% off my property, until next year. [dispensing with the niceties]
1244% I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten
1244% minutes!
1244%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1245% Homer: Quick Bart, give me a kiss.
1245% Bart: Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!
1245% Homer: Bart, Five bucks for a kiss.
1245%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1246% Burns: Look, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
1246% Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous.
1246%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1247% Homer: Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again.
1247% Father: What do you mean?
1247% Homer: Oh come on! ``[kiss kiss kiss],'' that corn-ball routine? ``I love
1247% you Daddy,'' Gimme a break!
1247% Father: I pity you.
1247%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1248% Marge: Homey! Get in the Car!
1248% Lisa: This is where you belong!
1248% Bart: Yeah Homer, room for one more!
1248% M+L+B: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!
1248%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1249% TV: Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependent
1249% on their mother regurgitating the food.
1249%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1250% Bart+Lisa: Hey!
1250% Homer: Look everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do
1250% better as a family. So tonight, we're not going to shovel food into
1250% our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the
1250% Dining-room table like a normal family.
1250%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1251% Lisa: Happy Dad?
1251% Homer: Yes.
1251% Lisa: Good, commence shoveling.
1251% Homer: No, [everyone stops mid-shovel] We're going to say Grace first.
1251% Bart: Ok,, [hands clasped] Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
1251% Homer: Grrrrr! No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can the chatter and bow
1251% your heads. [clears throat]
1251% Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we
1251% don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions!
1251% Pardon my French,, but they act like savages! [kids bewildered]
1251% Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did... you're
1251% everywhere, you're omnivorous.
1251% Oh Lord! Why did you spite me with this family?
1251% Marge+B+L: Amen! [Bart:``Lets eat!'' and they continue shoveling]
1251%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1252% Marge: But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here listening to you
1252% bad-mouth us to the man upstairs?
1252% Homer: I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
1252% town.
1252% Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
1252% Homer: D'oh,,
1252% Bart: Don't have a cow, Dad.
1252% Lisa: The sad truth is all families are like us.
1252% Homer: [standing up] You think so huh? Well there's only one way to find
1252% out,, follow me.
1252%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1253% Homer: Look at that kids! No fighting, no yelling.
1253% Bart: No belching.
1253% Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on!
1253% Marge: Look! Napkins!
1253% Bart: These people are obviously freaks.
1253% Homer: You think so? Well lets see what's behind door number 2.
1253% Lisa: What are they doing?
1253% Marge: They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each
1253% other.
1253% Homer: I wish I could hear what they're saying.
1253% Kid: Papa! I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
1253% Papa: I did too. Better get the gun.
1253% Lisa: Were's he going?
1253% Homer: Probably to get the old man his pipes and slippers.
1253%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1254% Bart: Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump!
1254% Homer: It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor
1254% sap's flower bed.
1254% Marge: Ho-mer, this is house.
1254% Marge: Are you coming in Homey?
1254% Homer: No, no. [depressed] I want to be alone with my thought.
1254%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1255% Homer: Another beer Moe.
1255% Moe: Whatsdamatta Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year. You're sitting
1255% there like a thirsty bump on a log.
1255%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1256% Moe: Eddie! Would you like some pretzels?
1256% Eddie: No thanks, we're on duty. A couple of beers would be nice though.
1256% Moe: That'll be two bucks, boys,, just kidding [reaches underneath the
1256% counter for two bottles]
1256% Cop2: Ah, listen,, We're looking for a family of peeping toms who have
1256% been terrorizing the neighborhood [police dog detects Homer, goes
1256% nuts] [to dog] Quiet boy! Let the nice people enjoy their beers.
1256% Ah, don't worry, this dog has the scent.
1256% Eddie: Hey? What's gotten into Bobo?
1256% Homer: Err, I've got some weiners (?sp) in my pocket.
1256%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1257% Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
1257% She said ``Homer, you're a big disappointment'', and god bless her
1257% soul, she was really onto something.
1257% Barney: Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got yourself a bad hand. You've
1257% got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
1257% Homer: [agro] You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them.
1257% Barney: Why? You got two that I haven't met?
1257% Homer: Why you! Here's five you haven't met! [punches Barney off his
1257% stool]
1257%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1258% TV: All-star Boxing was brought to you by ``Doctor Marvin Monroe's
1258% Family Therapy Center''. [Dr M on tube waving.]
1259% Wife: Honey, aren't you going to work today?
1259% Husband: No-o-o,, I don't think so.
1259% Wife: Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit
1259% it.
1259% Husband: I admit this -- you better shut your big yap!
1259% Wife: Oh you shut up.
1259% Hus: No, you shut up!
1259% Wife: No shut up!
1259% Hus: Oh shut up!
1259% Wife: Shut up!
1259% Hus: Shut up! [little kid enters the bedroom]
1259% Kid: Why don't you BOTH SHUT UP!
1259% Dr M: Hi friends, I'm Dr Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar?
1259% If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just
1259% family bliss, or double your money back! So call today!
1259% [dial 1-800-555-HUGS]
1259% Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the
1259% bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
1259%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1260% Homer: All right, time for a family meeting.
1260% Lisa: [snidely] Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
1260% Homer: Now look,, You know and I know this family needs help, professional
1260% help. So I've made an appointment with Dr Marvin Monroe.
1260% Bart: The fat guy on TV?
1260% Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Pro-Wrestling?
1260% Homer: Boxing, Lisa, Boxing -- there's a world of difference.
1260%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1261% Homer: Honey, I've given matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials
1261% I saw, his was the best.
1261%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1262% Homer: Oh come on Marge,, Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll
1262% actually get in someplace.
1262%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1263% Marge: 28.. 29.. 50. Twenty-eight dollars and fifty cents.
1263% Homer: That's it! That the college fund that we've been saving for all
1263% these years?!?
1263% Lisa: I guess I have needed a partial scholarship.
1263%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1264% Homer: To save this family we're gonna have to make the
1264% sacrifice. [Outside, Homer carries the family television into a
1264% Pawn shop.]
1264% Lisa: No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV!
1264%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1265% Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
1265% Homer: I appreciate that honey, but we need a hundred an fifty dollars
1265% here!
1265%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1266% Homer: [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this _lovely_ Motorola?
1266% Clerk: Is it cable-ready?
1266% Homer: As ready as she'll ever be.
1266%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1267% Marge: [despairingly] Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer,
1267% you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
1267% Homer: Hey,, No pain, no gain!
1268% Receptionist: Will you be paying by cash or cheque?
1268% Homer: Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here
1268% with me,, I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look,, check it
1268% out, [Homer realizes he could be making a big mistake] Two hundred
1268% and fifty big ones.
1268% Bart: You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where
1268% our TV used to be.
1268%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1269% Lisa: [forlornly] There go my young girl dreams of Vasser.
1269%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1270% Monroe: Hello, I'm doctor Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV.
1270% Lisa: We would if we had one.
1270%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1271% Monroe: Homer, what have you got for us? Homer,, Homer!
1271% Homer: Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
1271% Monroe: Well if you had been paying attention, perhaps you've noticed that
1271% your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure -- an ogre,
1271% if you will.
1271% Marge: Now doctor, that's not true.
1271% Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
1271% Bart: Right on Doc! Another successful diagnosis!
1271%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1272% Monroe: Whoa! Okay, so you want to kill each other,, that's good, that's
1272% healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.
1272% All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
1272% [unlocks a gun-rack with the therapy mallets inside.]
1272%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1273% Homer: Wait a minute, these mallet things are padded with foam rubber,,
1273% What's the point?
1273% Bart: They work much better without the padding Doc.
1273% Monroe: [hastily] No no no, that's not true!
1273%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1274% Monroe: That concludes this portion of our treatment.
1274% Marge: Are we cured yet?
1274% Monroe: No! Don't be ridiculous. You will be cured, but it's going to
1274% require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
1275% Monroe: Don't worry! I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up
1275% the... Electric Generator.
1275%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1276% Monroe: Everyone comfy? Hmmph, good. Now don't touch any of those buttons
1276% in front of you for a very important reason. Ie: You are wired in
1276% to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and
1276% they have the ability to shock... [Homer gets buzzed]
1276% Bart: Just testing.
1276%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1277% Monroe: No Homer, not yet! [Homer: ``Awwww'', disappointed] You see, this
1277% is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you
1277% emotionally, you will hurt them physically,, and gradually you will
1277% learn not to hurt each other -- at all! And won't that be wonderful
1277% Homer?
1277% Homer: Oh yes doctor! [zaps Bart]
1277% Bart: Ow! [presses button]
1277% Lisa: Aggghh!
1277% Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister?
1277% Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Arrrggh!
1277% Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Ow! [she retaliates]
1277% Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again]
1277% Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both]
1277%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1278% Smithers: Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
1278% Burns: Excellent! Excellent, [walking over to a power meter] Perhaps
1278% this energy conservation fad is as dead as the Dodo.
1278%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1279% Receptionist: Doctor Monroe! Your other patients have fled the building!
1279% Monroe: [near-continuous buzzing heard] Stop! Your damaging the equipment!
1279% [pulls the power supply to the Generator]
1279%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1280% Bart: Hey, nice hair Mom.
1280% Marge: Gee, I thought we where making real progress.
1280% Monroe: No! I'm Sorry! You're not! Please, you've just got to go.
1280% Homer: Wait a minute Doc! Your TV commercial said, `Family bliss, our
1280% double our money back.'
1280% Monroe: But that was just a... Alright [to receptionist, hand cover face,
1280% hushed/secretly] Get the money.
1280%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1281% Homer: Wow, five hundred smackers!
1281% Marge: Homer, how wonderful! Our first pleasant surprise.
1281% Lisa: It's no the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.
1281% Bart: You did it Dad!
1281% Marge: Excuse me dear, shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get
1281% our TV back?
1281% Homer: That piece of junk? Forget it! We're gonna get a new TV.
1281% Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so
1281% we can wheel it into the Dining room on holidays.
1281% B+L: Yay!
1281% Marge: Oh Homer, we love you! [kisses him]
1281%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1282%Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
1282%Lisa: No there aren't.
1282%Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt-kisser!
1282%Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
1282%-- ``Bart the General''
1283%Bart: You sniveling toad! You little egg-sucker!
1283%Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more!
1283%Bart; Back-scratcher! Boot-licker! Honor student!
1283%Lisa: [smirking] You'll never get one now, name-caller.
1283%Bart: All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I, I got upset.
1283% In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
1283%Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you.
1283%Bart: No.
1283%Lisa: I'm a sniveling toad, am I?
1283%Bart: Not really.
1283%Lisa: I'm a little egg-sucker, am I?
1283%Bart: Of course not.
1283%Lisa: Then what am I?
1283%Bart: A beautiful human being.
1283%Lisa: [coyly] What do you like best about me?
1283%Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say...
1283% Your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
1283%Lisa: Well... [thinks] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will
1283% get a big surprise.
1283%Bart: [does so]
1283%Lisa: [gets up. The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box.
1283% Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves]
1283%Bart: [munching] Thanks, Lis. You're the best!
1283%-- ``Bart the General''
1284%It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake.
1284%-- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General''
1285%Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man.
1285%Bart: But...
1285%Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son.
1285% Now hurry up, it's time for class.
1285%Bart: But...
1285%Princ. Skinner: [shooing] Scoot, young Simpson! There's learning to be done!
1285%-- ``Bart the General''
1286%Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
1286%I'm not saying that I'm not a hero.
1286%I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.
1286%-- Bart, ``Bart the General''
1287%Otto: [at Bart's wake] Good-bye, little dude.
1287% [to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man!
1287%Pr.S: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face
1287% after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All
1287% that homework a waste of your time.
1287%-- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General''
1288%Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this!
1288%-- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General''
1289%Nelson: Put 'em up! [circles his fists]
1289%Bart: [raises his hands in surrender]
1289%-- ``Bart the General''
1290%Bart: Well, I had a run-in with a... bully.
1290%Marge: [bursts in] A bully!?
1290%Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa!
1290%Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
1290%Bart: I... guess I could do that.
1290%Homer: What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!?
1290% I'd rather Bart die!
1290%Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!?
1290%Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be
1290% a man. Let's see. [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle.
1290% Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything,
1290% unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
1290% What else...
1290%-- Rule number four: Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General''
1291%Marge: This bully friend of yours. Is he a little on the chunky side?
1291%Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
1291%Marge: Mmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
1291%Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
1291%-- ``Bart the General''
1292%Homer: You didn't expect that, did you. And neither will he.
1292%Bart: You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad?
1292%Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules
1292% a little in order to hold our own.
1292%Bart: Amen!
1292%Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch,
1292% you throw a glob of mud in his eye!
1292% And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers
1292% around blinded!
1292%Bart: [getting into it] Yeah!
1292%Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
1292%Bart: Gotcha.
1292%Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
1292% That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
1292% [punches the punching bag down low]
1292%Bart: [cringes] Thanks, Pop.
1292%-- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General''
1293%Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
1293%Bart: What can do?
1293%Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
1293%Bart: He is?
1293%Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
1293%-- ``Bart the General''
1294%Dear Advertisers,
1294% I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.
1294%We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter,
1294%resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment
1294%was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never
1294%want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny.
1294%Number three: Family Jewels.
1294%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
1295%Herman: [whispers] What's the password?
1295%Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
1295%Herman: Right you are. [opens the door]
1295%-- ``Bart the General''
1296%Bart: Uh, Mr. Herman?
1296%Herman: Yes?
1296%Bart: Did, did you lose your arm in the war?
1296%Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells
1296% you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
1296%Bart: [nervously] Yes, sir. I will.
1296%-- ``Bart the General''
1297%Herman: How many men do you have?
1297%Bart: None.
1297%Herman: You'll need more.
1297%-- ``Bart the General''
1298%The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.
1298%The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now know it.
1298%-- Herman, ``Bart the General''
1299%First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be
1299%nice and legal.
1299%-- Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully,
1299% ``Bart the General''
1300%Bart: Pssst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
1300%Grampa: Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts.
1300% And this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!
1300%-- ``Bart the General''
1301%Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
1301%Milhouse: No, why?
1301%Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of
1301% us for years, and I for one am sick of it!
1301% I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times.
1301% But the one thing I do know...
1301% [all the kids file out]
1301% Whoa! Whoa!
1301% I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
1301% [kids cheer]
1301%-- Give 'em what they want, ``Bart the General''
1302%Bart: I got a B in arithmetic.
1302%Army: I got a B in arithmetic.
1302%Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick.
1302%Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.
1302%-- ``Bart the General''
1303%Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
1303%Army: We are rubber, you are glue.
1303%Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
1303%Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
1303%Bart: Sound off.
1303%Army: One! Two!
1303%Bart: Sound off!
1303%Army: Three!! Four!!
1303%-- ``Bart the General''
1304%Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier!
1304%Boy: It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more.
1304%Bart: Your nerves! [slaps the kid] I won't have cowards in my army.
1304%Grampa: [whaps Bart] Sorry, Bart.
1304% You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff,
1304% you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for
1304% some reason you can't slap them.
1304%-- ``Bart the General''
1305%Bart: In English class I did the best.
1305%Army: In English class I did the best.
1305%Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
1305%Army: Because I cheated on the test.
1305%Bart: Sound off.
1305%Army: One! Two!
1305%Bart: I can't hear you!
1305%Army: Three!! Four!!
1305%-- ``Bart the General''
1306%Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
1306%Army: We are happy, we are merry.
1306%Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
1306%Army: We got a rhyming dictionary.
1306%Bart: Sound off.
1306%Army: One! Two!
1306%Bart: One more time!
1306%Army: Three! Four!
1306%Bart: Bring it on home now!
1306%Army: One! Two! Three! Four!
1306% One! Two! .... Three-Four!
1306%-- ``Bart the General''
1307%Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.
1307% You got the water balloons?
1307%Bart: [salutes] Two hundred rounds, sir. [holds a balloon]
1307% Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side?
1307%Herman: Urgh. I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck.
1307%-- Saturation bombing with a smile, ``Bart the General''
1308%It's a classic Pincer's Movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!
1308%-- Herman lends Bart military advice, ``Bart the General''
1309%I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never
1309%hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes. Thank
1309%heaven for children!
1309%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
1310%Homer: All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself cl--[oomph]
1310% [Homer is hit by a water balloon]
1310%Grampa: [giggles] Heh heh, got him!
1310%Homer: You! Up in the tree! The tall grey-haired kid! You come down
1310% here right now!
1310%Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon]
1310%-- ``Bart the General''
1311%Goon #1: Don't hurt us!
1311%Goon #2: We surrender!
1311%Goon #1: We were only following orders!
1311%-- A likely story, ``Bart the General''
1312%Article Four: Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger.
1312%Article Five: Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist.
1312%Article Six: Although Nelson shall have no official power,
1312% he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
1312%-- Terms of surrender, ``Bart the General''
1313%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
1313%Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun.
1313%There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the
1313%following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II,
1313%and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war,
1313%there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool,
1313%gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
1313%-- Bart's disclaimer, ``Bart the General''
1314%Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm
1314% late for work! [lift Maggie and looks underneath]
1314%Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to
1314% your neck.
1314%Bart: Did you check the den?
1314%Homer: The den! Great idea! [heads into the den. Bart follows]
1314% [Homer pulls the couch apart]
1314%Bart: Warm.
1314% No, cold.
1314% Colder.
1314% Ice cold.
1314%Homer: You know where my keys are?
1314%Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
1314%Homer: Grrrrrrrrrr!
1314%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1315%Marge: I'm sorry everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three
1315% of you.
1315%Bart: Well Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes
1315% over the past three decades to keep his...
1315%Homer: Bart!
1315%Lisa: Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
1315% [Homer and Bart watch Lisa trudge out of the room]
1315%Homer+Bart: Yeah! [exchange high-fives]
1315%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1316%Largo: [tapping on music stand] Lisa. [taps louder] LISA SIMPSON!
1316% [finally attracting her attention] Lisa, there's no room for
1316% crazy bebop in ``My Country 'Tis of Thee''.
1316%Lisa: But Mr. Largo! That's what my country's all about.
1316%Largo: What?!?
1316%Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of a car. The
1316% idle farmer whose land has been taken away by uncaring
1316% bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner caught...
1316%Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant
1316% people are going to be at the recital next week. Now class, from
1316% the top. Five, six, seven...
1316%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1317%Lisa: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to
1317% feeding time. So we sit around like cattle, chewing our cud,
1317% dreading the inevitable...
1317%Bart: A-ha! Food fight!
1317%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1318%Lisa: OW! Ooh, ow! Ooh!
1318%PE Teacher: [blows whistle] Lisa! We are playing dodge-ball here.
1318% The object of the game is to avoid the ball, by weaving or ducking
1318% out of its path.
1318%Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball.
1318%PET: Listen missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way
1318% of those balls.
1318%Lisa: [despairingly] I'm too sad.
1318%PET: Too sad to play dodgeball? That's ridiculous. [to the rest of the
1318% class] Now let's see some enthusiasm. Play Ball!
1318%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1319%Homer: Come on, come on, let's go.
1319%Bart: [as announcer]
1319% In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the
1319% undisputed champ of the town, Battling Bart Simpson!
1319% [whistles] whoopee, wo wo wo!
1319% And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48
1319% defeats... oh, correction, defeats, all of them by
1319% knock-out.
1319%Homer: Must you do this every time...
1319%Bart: Homer ``the human punching bag'' Simpson!
1319%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1320%Marge: They sent a note from school.
1320%Homer: [to Bart] What did you do this time you little hoodlum?
1320%Bart: I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove
1320% anything!
1320%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1321%Homer: [reading the note] Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is
1321% sad. [end of note] She doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears
1321% in her eyes.
1321%Lisa: It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry Dad, but you wouldn't
1321% understand.
1321%Homer: Oh sure I would, Princess. I have feeling too, you know, like
1321% ``My stomach hurts', or ``I'm going crazy!''
1321%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1322%Lisa: Sorry Dad, I know you mean well. [kisses him]
1322%Homer: Thanks for knowing I mean well.
1322%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1323%Bart: Gee Homer, it looks like you've got yourself a real problem on
1323% your hands.
1323%Homer: Your right... Uhh... Bart! Vacuum this floor!
1323%Bart: Hey Man! I didn't do anything wrong!
1323%Homer: In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know. Now hop
1323% to it boy!
1323%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1324%Bart: [sarcastically] Enjoy your bath?
1324%Lisa: No, not really.
1324%Bart: Oh, too bad. Well I've certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now
1324% I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.
1324%Lisa: [to Maggie] So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself.
1324%Bart: Hey! Don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my
1324% side anyway.
1324%Lisa: Is not!
1324%Bart: Is too!
1324%Lisa: Is not.
1324%Bart: Is too!
1324%Lisa: Is not.
1324%Bart: Is too! Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love
1324% best.
1324%Maggie: [hops off the couch, looks at Bart]
1324%Lisa: No Maggie! Come here girl, come to me.
1324%Bart: [shaking a rattler] Come on Maggie, the choice is obvious.
1324%Lisa: [beckoning her] No Maggie, don't go for the glitter, look for
1324% substance.
1324%Maggie: [looks at them both, uncertain]
1324%Lisa: [giving up] All right Maggie, just go to Bart.
1324%Bart: Egg-zactly, come to the one you love best.
1324%Maggie: [looks at them both, then walks away and embraces the TV set]
1324% -- ``Moaning Lisa''
1325%Homer: Lisa! What did I tell you about playing that saxamuhthing in the
1325% house?
1325%Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
1325%Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your
1325% blues if it'll make you happy.
1325%Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering, unless my
1325% fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
1325%Homer: Let's hear it. [Lisa clacks away] You just clack as loud as you
1325% want, Lis.
1325%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1326%Lisa: That was beautiful. What's it called?
1326%Murphy: Oh, it's a little tune that I call ``The `I Never Had an Italian
1326% Suit' Blues''.
1326%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1327%Homer: [in a dream] What the?!?! [Homer is a video boxing character]
1327%Bart: [his opponent] Put up your dukes, Homer.
1327%Homer: Agggh! Bart! Go easy on me! I'm your Dad!
1327%Bart: I going easy on ya. [pow] Your so old, [pow] and slow,
1327% [pow] and weak, [pow] and pathetic. [Bart winds up for the kill]
1327%Homer: No! Son! No! [the fist impacts]
1327% [wakes up screaming]
1327% Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
1327%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1328%You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the
1328%saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at
1328%most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
1328%-- Homer, ``Moaning Lisa''
1329%Marge: I don't know... Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs
1329% attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young
1329% woman.
1329%Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
1329%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1330%Lisa: [improvises]
1330%Murphy: Now now now, low B flat.
1330%Lisa: [jams down low]
1330%Murphy: Okay, Lisa. Altissimo register.
1330%Lisa: [another wild riff]
1330%Murphy: [applauding] Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself
1330% doing that.
1330%-- All you ever wanted to know about sax, ``Moaning Lisa''
1331%Murphy: My friends call me `Bleeding Gums'.
1331%Lisa: Ewwww, how'd you get a name like that?
1331%Murphy: Well let me put it this way... You ever been to the dentist?
1331%Lisa: Yeah.
1331%Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I've got enough pain
1331% in my life as it is.
1331%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1332%Murphy: Oh, I'm so lonely,
1332% Since my baby left me.
1332% I got no money,
1332% And nothing is free.
1332% Oh, I've been so alone
1332% Since the day I was born.
1332% All I got is this rusty,
1332% This rusty old horn.
1332%Lisa: I got a bratty brother.
1332% He bugs me everyday.
1332% And this morning my own mother,
1332% Gave my last cupcake away.
1332% My Dad acts like he belongs,
1332% He belongs in the zoo.
1332% I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid,
1332% In gra-a-a-de number two.
1332%-- ``Moaning Lisa'
1333%The Blues isn't about feeling better, it's about making other
1333%people feel , and making a few bucks while your at it.
1333%-- Bleeding Gums Murphy, ``Moaning Lisa''
1334%Marge: Lisa! Get away from that jazz man!
1334%Lisa: But Mom! Can I stay a little longer? Can I Mom, can I?
1334%Marge: Come on, come on. We were worried about you.
1334% [to Bleeding Gums Murphy]
1334% Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar.
1334%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1335%Kent: ... through downtown Springfield today gutting Symphony Hall, the
1335% Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts
1335% Center, and Barney's Bowl-o-rama.
1335%Homer: Waugh! [chokes] Oh no! [walks into kitchen] Marge! Marge, you
1335% all right?
1335%Marge: No, I'm very upset.
1335%Homer: Oh then you've heard. Oh God! What are we going to do? The
1335% lanes were kinda warped, but all the food...
1335%Marge: I'm upset about Lisa.
1335%Homer: [realizing] Oh, me too.
1335%Bart: Me three, whatawe talking about?
1335%Homer: Bart!
1335%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1336%Marge: Do you think you could be nice enough to your sister, Bart?
1336%Bart: Oh yeah, easy.
1336%Marge: You do love her don't you?
1336%Bart: [whining] Oh Mom...
1336%Marge: Well you do, don't you?
1336%Bart: [uncomfortably] Don't make me say it. You know the answer, I
1336% know the answer, he knows the answer, let's just drop it, ok?
1336%Marge: Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it, but you do have to have a
1336% loving attitude. Be nice to your sister.
1336%Bart: [reluctantly] Okey dokey.
1336%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1337%Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
1337%Bart: Is Jock there?
1337%Moe: Who?
1337%Bart: Jock, last name Strap.
1337%Moe: Uh, hold on. [to everyone in the bar] Uh, Jock... Strap...
1337% Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap. [laughs from all]
1337% Oh... wait a minute... Jock Strap...
1337% It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you,
1337% I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
1337%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1338%Homer: Give me some quarters... I'm doing my laundry.
1338%Clerk: Yeah, right. [gives him the quarters]
1338%Homer: [looks around] Where's the video boxing?
1338%Clerk: Over there in the corner. If I were you I really would use
1338% those quarters for laundry.
1338%Homer: [sotto voce] Wise guy.
1338%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1339%Howie: Ok, who's next? [every one raises their hands, `memememememe']
1339%Homer: [rising from above the crowd] No, me! No, meeee! Now listen...
1339% can you teach me how to fight like you do?
1339%Howie: No.
1339%Homer: Aw, come on...
1339%Howie: I'll tell you what. I'll do it if you'll bark like a dog.
1339%Homer: Whyyoulittle... Woof woof woof!
1339%Howie: Hah! You've got yourself a deal, Fido.
1339%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1340%Lisa: Ahem. [Marge waits for her to say something, but Lisa turns
1340% away]
1340%Marge: Now Lisa, listen to me, this is important. I want you to smile
1340% today.
1340%Lisa: But I don't feel like smiling.
1340%Marge: Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what
1340% shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother
1340% taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all
1340% the way down, past your knees until your almost walking on them.
1340% And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and
1340% boys will like you, and happiness will follow.
1340%Lisa: [feeble attempt at a smile]
1340%Marge: No, come on. You can do better than that.
1340%Lisa: [a much brighter smile]
1340%Marge: Aww, that's my girl. [rubs Lisa's hair]
1340%Lisa: [through her teeth] I feel more popular already.
1340%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1341%Boy1: Hey, nice smile.
1341%Lisa: Thanks.
1341%Boy2: Hey, what are you talking to her for? She's just going to say
1341% something weird.
1341%Lisa: Not me!
1341%Boy1: You know, I used to think you were some sort of a Brainiac, but, I
1341% guess you're okay, and...
1341%Lisa: Uh-huh.
1341%Boy2: Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice. You can
1341% do my homework.
1341%Lisa: [forced] Okay.
1342%Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's
1342%outburst of `Unbridled Creativity'.
1342%-- Mr. Largo, ``Moaning Lisa''
1343%Bart: I'll gonna knock you out one more time and that's it, this is
1343% getting boring man!
1343%Homer: [smirking] Try not to kill me too hard, son. Heh heh heh.
1343%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1344%Marge: I'd like your attention, please.
1344%Homer: Quiet Marge! This is my big moment! Bart the Bloody Pulp
1344% Simpson is on the ropes. He's hoping I'll put him out of his
1344% misery. Wow, you're in luck Bart! Here comes my right!
1344% [Marge pulls the plug] Oh, no!!!!
1344% My game! My game! I could've beat the boy! Marge, how could
1344% you! I was so close!
1344%Marge: I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly loud game.
1344%Bart: You're right Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce
1344% my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing.
1344% [Homer collapses into a whimper]
1344%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1345%Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've
1345% heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our belov\'ed
1345% town founder.
1345%Barney: How long will this story take?
1345%Bart: Uh... About twenty-three minutes and five seconds.
1345%-- Does that include commercials? ``The Telltale Head''
1346%Marge: Bart, assume the position.
1346%Bart: [turns and leans against the wall, legs spread]
1346%Marge: [frisks Bart]
1346%-- Leaving for church, ``The Telltale Head''
1347%Announcer: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose
1347% from the dead!
1347%Homer: Laza-who?
1347%-- Driving to church, ``The Telltale Head''
1348%Marge: [confiscates Bart's personal stereo]
1348% Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday School?
1348%Bart: Maybe.
1348%Marge: Can you believe this, Homer? ... Homer? Homer?
1348%Homer: [in the car, bashes his head on the steering wheel in frustration]
1348%Marge: [goes to the car] Homer, were you planning on sitting in the
1348% car until the [football] game is over?
1348%Homer: Maybe.
1348%-- Great minds think alike, ``The Telltale Head''
1349%Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
1349%Sunday School Teacher: Certainly not!
1349%Bart: Uh, ma'am? What if you're a really good person, but
1349% you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets
1349% gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for
1349% you in heaven?
1349%SST: For the last time, Bart, yes!
1349%-- Playing by the rules, ``The Telltale Head''
1350%Sunday School Teacher: [very tired] The ventriloquist goes to heaven,
1350% but the dummy doesn't.
1350%Bart: [raises his hand] Ooh-ooh-ooh! Me!
1350%SST: Bart?
1350%Bart: What about a robot with a human brain?
1350%SST: [at the breaking point] I don't know! All these questions!
1350% Is a little blind faith too much to ask!?!
1350%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1351%Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
1351%Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
1351%Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
1351%Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible.
1351% Who told you that?
1351%Bart: Our teacher.
1351%Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but
1351% what about those really smart ones who live among us?
1351% Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
1351%-- And work in nuclear power plants, ``The Telltale Head''
1352%Bart: Cool, man, Space Mutants 4. Let me off! Let me off!
1352%Marge: No way, Jose.
1352%Homer: Marge, they're only space mutants.
1352%Marge: Uh uh. I know what those movies are like.
1352% Killing innocent people, eating human flesh.
1352% You'll just get a lot of bad ideas.
1352%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1353%Bart: You guys are sneaking in?
1353%Kerny: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies.
1353%Jimbo: Hey, Bart, come on!
1353%Bart: But sneaking into movies is practically stealing, man.
1353%Kerny: Practically?
1353%Jimbo: It stealing.
1353%Bart: Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we aren't deluding ourselves.
1353%-- An irrefutable argument, ``The Telltale Head''
1354%Homer: [reading The Bowl Earth Catalog]
1354% Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie!
1354% Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his
1354% hard-won fifty bucks?
1354% [turns the page]
1354% Gasp! Now I've seen everything.
1354% Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler.
1354% The pins don't know what hit 'em.
1354%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1355%Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
1355%Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing
1355% in the world!
1355%Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad,
1355% so other kids will like you better?
1355%Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
1355%Bart: No.
1355%Homer: Are you!
1355%Bart: No!
1355%Homer: Then run along, you little scamp! [musses Bart's hair]
1355% A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
1355%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1356%A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
1356%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
1357%Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor!
1357% It will sends your pins to... Valhalla? Lisa?
1357%Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
1357%Homer: Ooh, that's some ball!
1357%-- Reading The Bowl Earth Catalog, ``The Telltale Head''
1358%We have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads.
1358%If anyone has any information, please dial `O' and ask for the police.
1358%That number again: `O'.
1358%-- Chief Wiggum's press conference, ``The Telltale Head''
1359%Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue?
1359%Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza [sic] just a statue?
1359%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
1360%There is someone out there in Krusty-Land who has committed an atrocity!
1360%If you know who cut off Jebediah's head, I don't care if it's your brother,
1360%your sister, your daddy, or your mommy, turn him in!
1360%[brightly] Krusty will send you a free slide whistle,
1360%just like Sideshow Bob's!
1360%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1361%[Caption: SPRINGFIELD: A CITY HELD HOSTAGE. DAY ONE (dramatization)]
1361%Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield, he was.
1361%[A cheesy documentary. Jebediah chops wood.]
1361%In 1838, along the way, he met a ferocious bear.
1361%[What is obviously a man in a bear costume appears.
1361% Jebediah discards his axe and wrestles the bear.
1361% The caption `dramatization' reappears.]
1361%And killed him with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E hands.
1361%[Jebediah wins.]
1361%We've recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably
1361%killed .
1361%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1362%Burns: [overcome with emotion] I love you, Smithers.
1362%Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
1362%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1363%Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles
1363% uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol.
1363%Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!
1363%-- Watching the school Christmas pageant, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1364%Maggie is walking by herself. Lisa got straight A's. And Bart...
1364%Well, we love Bart.
1364%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
1364% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1365%Marge: [writing] The magic of the season has touched us all.
1365%Homer: Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
1365%Marge: [writing] Homer sends his love.
1365%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
1365% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1366%Marge: A tattoo?
1366%Homer: A what?
1366%Bart: Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your lives.
1366%Marge: You will be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
1366%Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your
1366% own allowance!
1366%-- Reading Bart's Christmas list, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1367%Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get,
1367%and it makes you look so dangerous.
1367%-- Marge in Bart's dream of getting a tattoo,
1367% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1368%Bart: One `mother' please.
1368%Clerk: Wait a minute. How old are you?
1368%Bart: 21, sir.
1368%Clerk: Get in the chair.
1368%-- Bart gets a tattoo, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1369%Smithers: Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the
1369% following announcement. And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
1369%Burns: Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase
1369% safety here at the plant without cost to the consumer or
1369% affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled
1369% workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more
1369% thing: Merry Christmas!
1369%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Maggie: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Homer: Hey, what's with this? [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1371%Marge: [in bed, reading the shopping list]
1371% I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer.
1371%Homer: Huh? Oh, I love you Marge.
1371%Marge: Mm, Homer, you tell me that all the time.
1371%Homer: Oh good, because I love you.
1371% I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit
1371% card that won't set off that horrible beeping.
1371%Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus.
1371% I keep asking for it, but...
1371%Homer: Marge... Oh... Let me be honest with you...
1371%Marge: Yes?
1371%Homer: Well... I...
1371%Marge: [rubs his hand]
1371%Homer: I want to do the Christmas shopping this year!
1371%Marge: [hands over the list she was holding] Well, sure. Okay.
1371% [flicks bed-side light off. Homer's forced grin glows in the dark]
1371%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1372%Homer: [bumps into Ned. Their respective armfuls of gifts fall into the snow]
1372%Ned: Oh ho ho, Simpson, it's you.
1372%Homer: Hello, Flanders.
1372%Ned: Oh my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours
1372% and which ones are mine?
1372%Homer: Well, let's see.
1372%Ned: [picking up gifts] Well, this one's mine, and this one's mine, heh heh,
1372% this one's mine, and...
1372%Homer: They're yours!
1372%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1373%Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
1373%Homer: Wow. Can do that?
1373%Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]
1373%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1374%Manager: Do you like children?
1374%Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts??
1374%-- Homer applies for a job as a department store Santa,
1374% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1375%Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin', man?
1375%Homer: [as Santa] What's your name, Bart...ner? Uh, little partner?
1375%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
1375%-- Homer works as a department store Santa,
1375% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1376%You must really love us to sink so low.
1376%-- Bart admires Homer's working as a department store Santa,
1376% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1377%Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute.
1377%Clerk: That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security...
1377%Homer: Yeah.
1377%Clerk: ... less unemployment insurance ...
1377%Homer: But...
1377%Clerk: ... less Santa training...
1377%Homer: Santa training?
1377%Clerk: ... less costume purchase...
1377%Homer: Wait a minute...
1377%Clerk: ... less beard rental...
1377%Homer: But...
1377%Clerk: ... less Christmas Club.
1377%Homer: But...
1377%Clerk: See you next year. [closes the window]
1377%-- Paydirt, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1378%Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons'
1378% Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always
1378% happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened
1378% to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen
1378% to us!
1378%Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
1378%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1379%Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
1379%Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
1379%Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the
1379% same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have.
1379% Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will
1379% govern the prospects of my adult relationships.
1379% So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me,
1379% and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
1379%Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
1379%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1380%Don't worry, Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
1380%-- Bart's been watching too much TV, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1381%It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
1381%-- Bart, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1382%Bart: Oh, Dad, can we keep him?
1382%Homer: But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's...
1382%SLH: [licks Homer's face]
1382%Homer: ... a Simpson.
1382%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1383%How can you afford something like this, Ned? I mean, I get your mail
1383%once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
1383%-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1384%Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
1384%Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite---the VanStar 1
1384% launched last satellite.
1384%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1385%Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
1385%Bob: Four. One for each part of the chicken.
1385%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1386%Bart: Aye, Carumba!
1386%Lisa; This is better than our house!
1386%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1387%Bob: [running a credit check] [presses `Enter']
1387% [sirens wail and lights flash]
1387%Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
1387%Bob: You ever known a siren to be good?
1387%-- The only good siren is a dead siren, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1388%Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range?
1388% I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob.
1388%Bob: Take it easy, willya, huh? You'll ruin this feeling I'm getting
1388% from ya...
1388%-- Shopping for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1389%Simpson, you'll never own a better RV, and I don't mean that in a good way.
1389%I mean, literally, buddy. This is for you, you know. It's this or a wagon.
1389%-- Cowboy Bob sells Homer an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1390%Homer: Everybody ready?
1390%Bart: I hate this. I don't want to go.
1390%Homer: That's the spirit!
1390%-- Going camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1391%Ready or not, Nature, here we come!
1391%-- Homer takes the family camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1392%Bart: Turkey farm? Skunks? Slaughterhouse?
1392%Lisa: No. No. No.
1392%Marge: What are you kids doing?
1392%Lisa: We're playing ``Name that Odor''.
1392%Bart: Dad's feet?
1392%Homer: Bart!
1392%Lisa: You win, Bart.
1392%Homer: Lisa!
1392%-- Games to play in the car, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1393%Marge: Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
1393%Homer: Pffffft. Maps.
1393%-- Marge the navigator noties something amiss, as the RV drives through the
1393% woods, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1394%Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?
1394%-- Marge the navigator, as Homer drives the RV through the woods,
1394% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1395%Lisa: Mom, I'm scared.
1395%Marge: Don't worry. We all are.
1395%-- Safety in numbers, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1396%Homer: [speaking softly and slowly]
1396% When I give the word, everyone ever-so-slowly open the door
1396% and slide out. On the count of three... One...
1396%SoundFX: (*rustle*) (*rustle*) (*slam*) (*slam*) (*slam*)
1396%Homer: [turns around: Everyone has already left]
1396%-- Taking charge in a crisis, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1397%Lisa: [glumly] The Simpsons have entered the forest.
1397%-- But will the forest survive? ``Call of the Simpsons''
1398%Homer: Yes sir! This is a real adventure! Why, I bet there are people who
1398% would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like
1398% this.
1398%Bart: You mean like just did?
1398%-- The Simpsons have entered the forest, sans RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1399%Marge: Oh Homer... What are we going to do?
1399%Homer: Now, don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems.
1399% And you're forgetting---I'm an experienced woodsman!
1399% Now, you all stay here for a mintue while I go over this way to
1399% try to get my bearings.
1399% [walks away fifteen meters]
1399% [sits down]
1399% What am I going to do!? I've murdered us all!
1399%Echo: I've murdered us all! ... murdered us all!
1399%Homer: Shut up!
1399%Echo: Shut up! ... Shut up!
1399%Homer: D'oh!
1399%Echo: D'oh! ... D'oh!
1399%-- Echo Canyon, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1400%Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points towards
1400% the North Star.
1400%Homer: Heh heh, that's nice, Lisa. But we're not in astronomy class.
1400% We're in the woods.
1400%-- ``Call of the Simpsons''
1401%When you're an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things.
1401%It's like a third sense.
1401%-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1402%What are we going to do, hang ourselves?
1402%-- Bart watches Homer build a trap out of a young sapling,
1402% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1403%I'll go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out
1403%a rabbit. When he comes out, you step on him.
1403%-- Homer instructs Bart on his role in catching dinner,
1403% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1404%Are we there yet?
1404%-- Bart wanders with Homer aimlessly through the woods,
1404% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1405%Tangy.
1405%-- Homer eats a mouthful of honey---and bees, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1406%Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was
1406%impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language,
1406%and most of all, its indescribable stench.
1406%-- Newscaster reports that Bigfoot (Homer) has been sighted,
1406% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1407%We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.
1407%-- Newscaster interrupts to report Bigfoot sighting, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1408%No bears. We're taping! All bears off the set!
1408%-- ``Call of the Simpsons''
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%-- Wandering aimlessly through the forest, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1410%Later, grizzly dudes.
1410%-- Bart bids farewell to a pack of bears, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1411%What the hell are you talking about, sir?
1411%-- Bart, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1412%Avenge me, son. Avenge my death... ZZZZzzzzzz...
1412%-- Homer (Bigfoot) is hit with a tranquilizer dart, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1413%Dr. Marvin Monroe: After extensive biological and anatomical testing,
1413% I regret to announce that our findings are... inconclusive.
1413% This thing may or may not be human.
1413%German scientist: Dat's what he tinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot
1413% himself.
1413%French scientist: Oh, no, I disagree. I think it is a man.
1413% The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence.
1413%-- On the capture of Bigfoot (Homer), ``Call of the Simpsons''
1414%Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go.
1414%-- Marge, after Homer is captured and believed to be Bigfoot,
1414% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1415%This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast.
1415%-- German scientist who examined Homer/Bigfoot, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1416% Marge: So how was the office birthday party?
1416% Homer: Oh, it was de-lightful! The frosting on the cake was this thick!
1416% [about an inch] And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant,
1416% didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of
1416% himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance.
1416% Ha ha ha..
1416% Marge: Does this girl like him?
1416% Homer: Phfft,, I have to warn you Marge, I think the poor young thing has the
1416% hots for Yours Truly!
1416% Marge: Homer!
1416% Homer: Just keepin' you on your toes, babe.
1417% Homer: AAGGGHHH! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE POUNDS!!! Ohh, I'm a blimp.
1417% Why are the good things so tasty? [with conviction] From now on,
1417% exercise every morning!
1418% Marge: You're not a blimp Homer, you're myyy big cuddly teddy-bear!
1419% Homer: [spraying mouthwash everywhere] Oh No! Two hundred and thirty nine
1419% pounds! I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack
1419% treats? Well, from now on, exercise every morning Homer! [does
1419% stretching exercises in front of the bathroom mirror]
1419% Marge: Ooh, don't strain yourself dear.
1419% Homer: Good idea Marge. [stops exercising]
1420% Homer: Oh, by the way,, This Friday night I'm going to be attending a little
1420% get-together with the boys at work. Eugene Fisk is marring some girl
1420% in valve maintenance.
1420% Marge: Ho-mer, is this some kind of _stag_ party?
1420% Homer: Oh No Marge! It's going to be very classy. A team trumpet [?] kind
1420% of thing.
1421% Marge: Mmmhmmm. Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant?
1421% Homer: No! My.. Supervisor.
1421% Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant?
1421% Homer: Hey, what is this! The Spanish Exposition?
1421% Marge: Sorry Homer,,
1422% Bart: Oh-ho! It's the femail ma'am!
1422% Lisa: Femail carrier, Bart.
1423% Bart: The Femail Ma'am:
1424% Lady, where's my Spy camera.
1424% Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera.
1424% Where's my Spy camera, Lady? Every day for the last six months,
1424% Where is my spy camera? ``Where is my spy camera?''
1424% Where's my spy camera?! ``Where's my spy camera?!''
1424% WHERE'S MY SPY CAMERA! ``WHERE'S MY SPY CAMERA!''
1424% HERE'S YOUR STUPID SPY CAMERA!!
1424% [thrusts a parcel at Bart]
1424% Whoa, thanks Ma'am!
1425% Homer: Bart! Waddaya doing!
1425% Bart: Sorry Dad, the answer to that is Top Secret.
1426% Lisa: Ewwww, gross. Momm! Bart was taking a picture of his butt!
1426% [Bart hastily pulls up his pants]
1426% Bart: Oh sure, like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.
1427% Marge: Now stop it you two,, and put on some nice clothes. Since it's just
1427% the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle.
1427% Lisa: Yaay, Fried Shrimp!
1427% Bart: Oh Mom, can't we just get a burger at...
1427% Only four of us? Who escaped?
1427% Marge: Your Father. He's having a boys' night out.
1428% Fisk Snr: ...and just as I was asking myself ``Where on earth did my seven
1428% year old boy get the money for a father's day present?'', I opened the
1428% box, and inside was little Eugene's... Baseball glove. [The rest of the
1428% stag party are bored out of their minds] He had given me the one thing
1428% that had mattered most to him in the whole world. Eugene, when I see you,
1428% the one thing that matters most to me in the whole world, married
1428% tomorrow, I'm going to feel just how you felt that day. [Father and son
1428% hug each other]
1428%(I find myself guilty of being sentimental to the first degree:)
1429% Homer: Where am I? The planet Corn-ball?
1429% Carl: Hey don't worry. Things will pick up once the `entertainment' gets
1429% here,,
1429% Homer: Ooh, Entertainment! [toasts his beer-mug with Lenny]
1430% Waiter: Ahoy! I spy the children's menu!
1430% Bart: Ahoy! This place bites!
1430% Marge: Bart!
1431% Waiter: So what's it going to be my little bucko,,
1431% Bart: A-huh-ha-hmm, let's see... [examines the menu] This evening I shall
1431% go for the... Squid platter...
1431% Lisa: [disgusted] Ewwwww!
1431% Bart: ...with extra tentacles, please.
1432% Waiter: [fried shrimp for Lisa] Here you go,,
1432% [pork chop a la' Hawaiian] There you are,,
1432% [a smaller serving of Fried shrimp] For the Baby,,
1432% [to Bart] And one Squid platter, tentacles.
1432% Bart: Heh heh... Urrggghh... [turns green and drops below the table]
1432% Marge: Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner!
1432% Lisa: [taunting] Yeah, eat it Bart.
1432% Bart: May I please be excused for a minute..
1432% Marge: Well okay, but don't dawdle,, your food will get cold.
1432% Bart: Urgh. [leaves the table]
1433% Fisk Snr: I'll tell you this my boy,, We're in hell.
1434%[End of Act One?]
1435% Martin: The meeting of the future photographers of America is now in session.
1435% We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson.
1435% [other members of the club start clapping]
1435% Bart: People, people! Ah, don't applaud,, Let's get to work.
1436% Martin: My goodness! Quite exciting!
1436% Girl: Extremely sensual,,
1436% Boy wearing glasses: The subtle greytones recall the work of Heilmich Newton,,
1436% Martin: Who's the sexy lady, Bart?
1436% Bart: [hanging up the photo to dry] Beats me, but the guy dancing with her
1436% s'my Pop.
1436% All: Wow!
1436% Boy: [making a closer inspection of the photo] He brings to mind the
1436% [intelligible] of Diane Arbut.
1436% Martin: Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork. [the other
1436% kids plead also]
1436% Bart: Sorry guys. No can do.
1437% Milhouse: Come on Bart,, You're gonna make me a print aren't you?
1437% Bart: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this
1437% photo?
1437% Milhouse: Ok.
1437% Bart: Cross your heart and hope to die?
1437% Milhouse: Yep.
1437% Bart: Stick a needle in your eye?
1437% Milhouse: Yep.
1437% Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh?
1437% Milhouse: Yep.
1437% Bart: Eat a Horse-manure pie?
1437% Milhouse: [gulps] Yep.
1437% Bart: Well, Okay.
1438% Burns: His name?
1438% Smithers: [holding a copy of the incriminating photo] Homer Simpson sir, a
1438% low-level employee in sector 7G.
1438% Burns: Simpson, eh? A family man?
1438% Smithers: Wife and three kids, sir.
1438% Burns: I would like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning,
1438% Smithers.
1439% Apu: You look familiar sir,, Are you on the television or something?
1439% Homer: Sorry buddy, you've got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
1440% Man: [waving his thumbs] Hey hey! Looking good!
1440% Homer: What do you want pal?
1440% Kid: Hey Mister! [to the tune of the `Arabian Snake Charmer']
1440% Do-do Do Do Do, Do-dee Do-dee Do-dee Do.
1440% Homer: Well a Do-dee Do Do to you too, pintsized.
1440% [circling his ear] Eessh, you've got a lot of nutcases in here.
1440% Apu: Oh sir, I've seen things you can't imagine.
1441% Marge: [thrusting a copy of the photograph in his face]
1441% What is the of this!
1441% Homer: Whyarreeuumpht,, Meaningless! Marge,, Don't even attempt to find
1441% meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Chasmire!
1441% Marge: Princess WHO? [Bart appears]
1441% Bart: Hey, my photo!
1441% Homer&Marge: YOUR PHOTO!!
1441% Bart: Oh-ho.
1441% Homer: Why you little.. [he goes to strangle Bart, but Marge reaches Homer's
1441% neck first]
1441% Marge: Why you big..
1441% Bart! Go to your room!
1441% Bart: I'm outta here,,
1442% Homer: Look, Marge.. Honey.. Baby.. Doll..
1442% Marge: [turning her back, folding her arms] Homer, I don't even want to look
1442% at you right now.
1442% Homer: What are you saying honey? [Marge points him outside] But where will
1442% I sleep?
1442% Marge: [shaking angrily] My suggestion is you sleep in the filth you created!
1442% Homer: Will a motel be ok? [Marge slams the front door in his face]
1443% Marge: Here,, If you have any soul left, you'll need these.. I know I will.
1444%[End of Act 1]
1445% Moe: Whaddamatta Homer? It's the hottest ladies night in months and you're
1445% not even checking out the action.
1445% Homer: Oh Moe, my wife gave me the ol' heave-ho because of some lousy
1445% picture.
1445% Moe: [pointing to a copy behind him] What, this one?
1445% Homer: D'oh!
1446% Barney: So, where are you staying tonight Homer?
1446% Homer: Motel, I guess.
1446% Barney: Oh No! No pal of mine is going to stay in some dingy flop house!
1447% Barney: If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's a open beer in
1447% the fridge.
1448% Homer: Look Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is
1448% my house. Someone must of left the porch light on.
1448% Barney: Hey, that's rough pal. [using the phone] Hello, Marge? You left
1448% your damned porch light on! Homer isn't made of money you know!
1448% Marge: [heard through the phone's earpiece] What is this?
1448% Homer: [grabbing the phone] Don't listen to him Marge! He...
1448% Marge: It's you.. Hummph. [hangs up the phone with a slam]
1449% Barney: There's a party down the hall. You know this apartment complex
1449% really caters for up-scale singles like me. [belches]
1449% Homer: No thank you Barney, I just want to crawl into bed.
1450% Lisa: [whispering to Bart] I wonder when Dad's coming home?
1450% [forlorn look from Marge]
1451% Burns: What in blue-blazes do you think you're doing Simpson?
1451% Homer: What do you mean sir?
1451% Burns: [showing Homer the photo] I mean this! [Homer gasps] A plant
1451% employee carrying on like a over-sexed organutan in heat! This is a
1451% family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over
1451% fifty percent of our power is used by _women_. [angrily] I will not
1451% have you offending my customers with your bawdy shangegings!
1451% Homer: [pleading across the table] It's won't happen again sir, I promise!
1451% May I get out of your sight now?
1451% Burns: Just a second Simpson! Smithers, will you leave the room for a
1451% minute?
1451% Smithers: Yes sir.
1452% Burns: [sadly] Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man,, I have
1452% wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk.
1452% And yet, I've lead a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to
1452% me. You, seem to have a way with women, [gets up from chair and
1452% stands by the office window, looking outward] a certain, how should I
1452% put it.. Animal magneteasum [sic]. [begging] Help me Simpson, tell me
1452% your secret,,
1452% Homer: Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
1452% Burns: [pleasantly] Simpson, I'm asking you nicely...
1452% Homer: I don't really know, sir.
1452% Burns: SIMPSON!
1452% Homer: Well oh, wait a minute... Dine them, [Monty listens eagerly] Bring
1452% them flowers.. Write them love poetry.. sir.
1452% Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this Simpson,,
1452% [angrily] Now return to your work! ...and tell no one of what
1452% transpired here.
1453% Homer: [poking his head around the door] Anybody home?
1453% Lisa: [quietly] Hi daddy. [Bart, Lisa and Maggie embrace him]
1453% Bart: Welcome back, Dad.
1453% Homer: How's your mom?
1453% Lisa: Still kinda ticked off.
1453% Bart: Yeah, Good luck man.
1454% Homer: Hello Marge? It's me, Homer. Are you still mad? [sees Marge's face]
1454% You are still mad. Don't need to say it, I'm your loving husband, I
1454% can read you like a book. [goes to the fridge] I'll just have some
1454% milk. [using a glass] Look! I'm not drinking out of the carton!
1454% [he breaks down] Come on Marge! Please forgive me! [gets down on his
1454% knees] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry,,
1454% Marge: [with contempt] Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing.
1454% Homer: Yes I do,, because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.
1455% Marge: I've been thinking Homer, and you know what bothers me most about this
1455% whole thing? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes
1455% you.
1455% Homer: Oh, he does not.
1455% Marge: Yes he does Homer, and when he sees you treating women as objects,
1455% he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than
1455% that, Homer.
1455% Homer: So, what should I do? Marge?
1455% Marge: Well.. I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly-person.
1455% I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and
1455% real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you
1455% treated her.
1455% Homer: [gladdened] Ok, your wish is my command my litt..
1455% Marge: DO IT!
1456% Usher: Princess Chasmire? You must mean April Flowers,, She's working over
1456% at the Girlesque.
1457% Homer: ...you see, I'm trying to teach my son here [looks to Bart] about
1457% treating women as objects.
1457% Attendant: That's a good idea,, but April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight.
1458% Fat guy: Just let me say.. It is an to have Springfield's number one
1458% swinger here with us..
1458% Homer: Skip that! I'm teaching my boy a lesson,, Is she here or not?
1459% Homer: Hey Princess! It's me! The guy from the snap shot!
1459% PC: [not very enthusiastically] Oh, hi.
1459% Homer: Look,, I'm hear because I want to apologize for treating you like an
1459% object. (PC: ``Uh-huh'') I also want my boy to find out that you're
1459% more than just a belly. I want to meet the woman behind all the
1459% spangles and glitter, and find out that she has thought and feelings
1459% too.
1459% PC: Uh, ho, Okay, but can we make it quick?
1459% Bart: Nice to meet you ma'am. [waves]
1459% Homer: Could you tell him a little about yourself?
1459% Shauna: Well, um, my real name is Shauna Tifton, [the cage that Homer and she
1459% are in starts ascending] My pet peeve is rude people,, and my
1459% turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace..
1459% Homer: Thank you very much ma'am, we'll be on our.. Arrrrrgh!
1460% Burns: How does he do it, Smithers?
1460% Smithers: He's a love machine, sir.
1461% Homer: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the music! Quiet please!
1461% I have something to say,, Quiet!
1462% Marge: Oh no, he's sunk even lower,,
1463% Homer: I have something to say to all the sons out there,, to all the boys,
1463% to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not
1463% mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No,, they are our wives,
1463% they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our
1463% nieces and nephews,, well, not our nephews. They are our mothers, and
1463% you know something folks... As ridiculous as this sounds, I would
1463% rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my
1463% neck as I sleep, than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's
1463% G-string. Am I wrong,, or am I right?
1464% Bart: Alright folks, the show's over! No more to see, folks, come on.
1464% Only sick people want to see my folks kiss!
1465% Lisa: This is going to be the best birthday breakfast Mom's ever had!
1465% Bart: [looking to a stack of 42 pancakes] Hey Lis, you think that's enough
1465% for her?
1465% Lisa: Maybe one more.
1466% Lisa: I hope she likes the presents we got her.
1466% Bart: [picks up a large jug with the label "French Perfume" (in English)]
1466% Well I know she'll like mine. Who wouldn't like a bottle of real
1466% French perfume? -- all the way from gay Pari! Four bucks, plus tax.
1466% Lisa: Well I think she's gonna like my hand-made birthday card better.
1466% Bart: [unimpressed] Whoa, big deal,, Dry macaroni, spray-painted glue...
1466% whoopee.
1467% Bart: First I get to lick the beaters! [Lisa hands him the electric mixer]
1467% Whago, agh agh aghh! Wisea! Mugh humgb ipht im dapt beiter,
1467% Mugh Humgb!
1468% Bart+Lisa: HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY!
1468% Homer: [alarmed] Aaggh! Whaa.. Waght!
1468% Lisa: Here's your birthday breakfast!
1468% Marge: [delighted] Oh! Kids, that's nice!
1469% Homer: My birthday?
1469% Lisa: No!
1469% Homer: It's my birthday! What did I get? I birthdays!
1469% Marge: [angrily] No Homer, it's mine!
1469% Bart: You don't even know your own wife's birthday?
1469% Homer: Wooha... Of course I know. Sure,, [nudges Marge with his elbow]
1469% You really thought I'd forgot, didn't you? [steps out of bed]
1469% Bart: Oh right.. What did you get her Dad?
1469% Lisa: Yeah, waddidya get?
1469% Homer: [getting dressed] A very... thoughtful gift,, but it's a surprise!
1469% [stretches] You know it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll
1469% take a little stroll around the block.
1470% Lisa: I think he forgot Mom.
1470% Marge: [indignantly] Hmmmmm...
1471% Homer: Oh no,, Come on come on, open up!
1471% Security Guard: Good morning consumers, the Springfield Mall is now open for
1471% your spending needs.
1472% Marge: Patty, he's out buying me something right now.
1472% Patty: Oh Marge, he never gets you anything you want. He always gets
1472% something for himself.
1472% Selma: [mumbles] The tackle box,,
1472% Patty: Remember when he got you the tackle box?
1472% Selma: [mumbles] ...and the Chung calendar.
1472% Patty: And when he `surprised' you with the Connie Chung calendar?
1472% Marge: I'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately.
1473% Marge: Well Homer and I had a lovely dining experience at Chez Perrie,, or
1473% the Rusty Barnacle is nice.
1473% Patty: No no no... We want to take you someplace fun! The Singing Sirloin!
1473% Marge: [gloomy] The place where the waiters sing.
1474% Marge: Homer, we're having dinner tonight at `The Singing Sirloin'.
1474% Homer: Ah, sounds delightful. Just you and me, and the Matre'd.
1474% Marge: And the kids.
1474% Homer: Fair enough.
1474% Marge: And my sisters.
1474% Homer: D'oh!
1475% Marge: Ohh,, Perfume! [opens the bottle and sniffs]
1475% Whoeew! [courteously] Hmm, thank you Bart.
1475% Bart: You're welcome Mom!
1476% Patty: Thirty-four years old...
1476% Selma: Time enough to start over with a new man.
1476% Patty: Someone how eats with his mouth shut.
1476% Homer: [wearing a bib, talking with his mouth full] What's that Patty?
1476% Patty: Nothing, just finish your steak. [to Selma] Look at him woof down
1476% that gristle.
1476% Selma: Ah-hmm,, It's an accident waiting to happen.
1476% Patty: You know the Hiemlich manoeuvre?
1476% Selma: No.
1476% Patty: Good.
1477% Lisa: I think she likes my peanut butter.
1477% Bart: Does not!
1477% Lisa: Does to!
1477% Bart: Does not!
1477% Lisa: Does to!
1477% Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume?
1477% Bart: [worried] Yeah,, Hey Mom, how come you're not putting on any of my
1477% perfume?
1477% Marge: [diplomatically] Well I'm saving it,, for a special occasion.
1477% Bart: What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it!
1477% [Homer barks]
1477% Marge: But this occasion is already so special, if we make it any more
1477% special, we might end up making it less special.
1477% Bart: Gotcha! [to Lisa] I told you she liked mine better.
1477% Lisa: Oh brother.
1478% Homer: Hold on, hold on. Your mother hasn't opened present yet.
1479% Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off. [looking to the
1479% bowling ball] Beauty, isn't she?
1479% Marge: Well it's hard for me to judge, SINCE I'VE NEVER BOWLED IN MY LIFE!
1479% Homer: Well if you don't want it, I know someone how does...
1480% Homer: You always say we should talk, I'm talking right now as a matter of
1480% fact. But I'm going to stop in a second, so please, say something
1480% back Marge, please? I'm going to stop talking... now.
1480% Marge: You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me.
1480% Homer: What!?! No!
1480% Marge: The holes where drilled for your fingers
1480% Homer: But I wanted to surprise you,, [derisively] I couldn't very well
1480% chop your hand off and bring it the store, could I?
1480% Marge: You never intended for me to use that ball.
1480% Homer: Well, if that's how you feel I'll take it back.
1480% Marge: You can't take it back, you had your name engraved on it!
1480% Homer: So you would know it was from me!
1480% Marge: Homer, keeping the ball... FOR MYSELF!
1480% Homer: Marge! but you don't know how to bowl,, Oops.
1480% Marge: I'm keeping it and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present,
1480% Homer.
1480% Homer: [smitten] Well.. you're welcome.
1481% Marge: Excuse me, where do I throw this?
1481% Attendant: Over there.
1481% Marge: Thank you.
1481% Attendant: Hey -- wait a minute! You're going need a lane!
1481% Marge: No thanks, I'm just here out of spite
1481% Attendant: [pointing to sign] Can't bowl without a lane.
1481% Marge: Well, allright.
1481% Attendant: [hands her a scoresheet] Here you go,, you keep score on this.
1481% What sized shoes you wear?
1481% Marge: Never you mind!
1481% Attendant: [pointing to another sign] Can't wear street shows on the lane,
1481% you gotta wear bowling shoes. What size please?
1481% Marge: [grudgingly] Hmmm,, Thirteen double A.
1481% Attendant: Thirteen double A!!! [whistles in amazement] The closest I've
1481% got is a nine and a fifteen.
1482% Jacque: So one hundred and twenty pins later, I am the better man.
1483% Marge: I don't see what I'm doing that is so much different from what he's
1483% doing...
1484% Marge: I'm awfully sorry!
1484% Bowler: Entirely my fault. It's nice to meet you,, [looks at the bowling
1484% ball then hands it to her] Homer.
1484% Marge: No no,, Homer is my... Ball's name. I'm Marge.
1485% Bowler: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered
1485% for the ball you are using, [a projector shows him caressing her
1485% hand] you need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.
1485% Marge: No, no thank you mister... [looks at his bowling ball] Brunswick.
1485% Bowler: Call me Jacque.
1485% Marge: Jacque.
1485% Jacque: Marge.
1485% Marge: I'll just use my ball.
1485% Jacque: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy clumsy
1485% things such as this Homer of yours.
1486% Jacque: May I ask you a bold question? [leans forward over Marge]
1486% Marge: Sure.
1486% Jacque: You've never bowled before.
1486% Marge: Never.
1486% Jacque: No.
1486% Marge: No.
1486% Jacque: Then I will teach you.
1486% Marge: Oh, I don't want to trouble you.
1486% Jacque: Not at all, I am a professional. Throw the ball for me Marge, let
1486% me see your form.
1486% Marge: Well, allright,, but I'm not very good.
1487% Marge: I can hit that one pin allright, but the rest of them don't even
1487% wobble.
1488% Jacque: Now throw! (Marge: ``But..'') Throw damn you!
1489% Marge: You're a very good teacher!
1489% Jacque: Yes I am a very good teacher and I can teach you everything. I can
1489% tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean. Which frame
1489% is the beer(?) frame. I bet you don't know how to make a 5-7-10
1489% split do you Marge? [Marge: `'Noo''] But first of all you yell
1489% ``The eight pin is a cop!'' [Marge cracks up] Let it all out
1489% Marge,, Let it out Marge. Laugh out loud, you'll lose me. [Marge
1489% recovers]
1489% Marge: You're very funny.
1490% Marge: I didn't realize there was so much to this game,, What do you
1490% charge for lessons?
1490% Jacque: Twenty-five dollars.
1490% Marge: [shocked] Twenty five dollars!
1490% Jacque: [leaning forward] For forty dollars' value.
1490% Marge: Well... allright. When do we start?
1490% Jacque: [takes her hand] We have already begun.
1491% Homer: Now this is living, hey kids? Hot Pizza, the food of kings!
1491% Lisa: Don't be scared Dad, it's not so hard to take care of us.
1491% Homer: Heh heh, Lisa, I'm not scared, I think it's a great way to spend some
1491% time with you kids. [change to Homer's perspective] Your mother
1491% always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn. [everyone,
1491% sans Maggie, silently eat their pizza. Homer voce] Does the time
1491% always drag like this?
1492% Jacque: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the
1492% slippery finish. Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?
1492% Marge: Oh, very smooth.
1492% Jacque: smooth?
1492% Marge: yes, very.
1492% Jacque: yes?
1492% Marge: yes.
1492% Jacque: yes.
1492% Marge: smooth.
1492% Jacque: smooth,
1492% Marge: yes,
1492% Jacque: yes. You could eat off of it.
1492% Marge: Hmmmm...
1492% Jacque: You hungry?
1492% Marge: Yes.
1492% Jacque: [yelling] Four Onion rings!
1493% Lisa: [finishing her pizza] Hummm! Deliciouso!
1493% Bart: My compliments to the delivery boy.
1493% Homer: Ok, we've eaten and eaten well. Now what else do we have to do?
1493% Well, let's check the list your Mom left us... Eat,, huhmmm.
1493% [ticks with a pencil] Oh, clean up! Now don't worry everybody, this
1493% will be a breeze if we all pitch in. [they form a human chain to the
1493% bin] Allright! We're clean! Now we'll... [looks to Maggie]
1493% Put Maggie to bed.
1494% Homer,Bart,Lisa:
1494% Lullaby, and goodnight,
1494% come to bed and sleep tight.
1494% Close your eyes, start to yawn.
1494% Pleasant dreams until the dawn.
1495% Marge: Homer,, Homer?
1495% Homer: Huh? Wah? Oh,, How was bowling?
1495% Marge: It's a very challenging hobby.
1495% Homer: Heh heh,, It's a sport dear. It's a sport you silly thing.
1495% Marge: But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night.
1495% Homer: [shocked/surprised] Oh! You're going back?
1495% Marge: Oh sure, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again.
1495% Homer: [confused] Oh, no,, I don't mind.
1496% Marge: Jacque! It fits, you got it in my size and it has my name on it.
1496% It's really for me!
1496% Jacque: [thrusts himself upon her] Seventeen fifty, enjoy it my darling.
1497% Marge: You didn't have to drop me off.
1497% Jacque: But I wanted to. [grasps her hand] Marge, do you know how beautiful
1497% you look in the moonlight?
1497% Marge: Errrr, Jacque! I'm a married woman!
1497% Jacque: I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry
1497% for sin. [Marge reacts accordingly] Marge darling, I - I want to
1497% see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowlorama,, away from the
1497% thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for Brunch.
1497% Marge: What's Brunch?
1497% Jacque: You'd love it,, It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but
1497% it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get
1497% completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!
1497% Marge: I don't think so.
1497% Jacque: Marge, darling. There are ten pins in my heart,, you've knocked
1497% over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare?
1497% Marge: [hesitantly] Mmmm, mmmmm... All right!
1498% Bart: O-ho! School bus!
1498% Marge: [holding two grocery bags full of goodies] Here you go kids,,
1498% Special lunches! Lots of good things for growing bodies, [Bart and
1498% Lisa look to each other bewildered] and some treats just for fun.
1498% Bart: Aye Carumba!
1498% Lisa: Are you going bowling again tonight Mom?
1498% Marge: Yes I am, as a matter of fact. [tops up their lunches, to Bart's
1498% delight, but Lisa is worried] Here's more treats. But don't worry,
1498% your Dad will take care of dinner.
1498% Bart: [delighted] Hmmm, Wednesday. Hoagie night!
1498% Marge: [kisses Lisa] Goodbye Lisa, my darling little Lisa.
1498% [kisses Bart] Goodbye Bart, my special little guy.
1498% Bart: Hmm,, Great lunches, hey Lis?
1498% Lisa: Oh Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call Over-
1498% compensation,, Mom is racked with guilt because their marriage is
1498% failing.
1498% Bart: Hey, don't rock the boat Man. Whatever it is, we're making out like
1498% bandits.
1498% Lisa: Bart, I've read about what happens to kids who's parents no longer
1498% love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages.
1498% Right now I'm in stage three, Fear. You're in stage two, Denial.
1498% Bart: [whines] No I'm not.
1498% Lisa: Yes you are.
1498% Bart: [angrily] No I'm not!
1498% Lisa: Yes you are!
1498% Bart: Am not! Am not! Am not!
1498% Lisa: I stand corrected,,
1499% Jacque: Mia mosa?
1499% Marge: I'm a married woman, please don't call me that.
1499% Jacque: [laughs] Nononono. Mia Mosa is the name of the drink. It's orange
1499% juice and champagne. [laughs] You're so wonderful that you thought
1499% it was something offensive.
1499% Marge: [accepting the compliment] Oooo, well thank you.
1500% Helen: [at 78rpm] I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I
1500% looked over this way and said to myself, Huh! Isn't that Marge
1500% Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?
1500% [Jacque is annoyed, Marge forces a smile]. Ha ha,, and I just had to
1500% come over and say Hello!
1500% Marge: We're.. um..
1500% Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account.
1500% Jacque: I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you. Now Marge, [grabs the
1500% salt shakers] The pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here. We'll
1500% make this little piece of food here the ball, the ball's bigger, you
1500% know that. [Helen suspects something] but for food, this is a good
1500% ball.
1500% Helen: Ahem, well, byebye. [to Marge] See you in church on Sunday, Marge.
1500% Marge: [cheerlessly] Good-bye Helen.
1500% Jacque: Goodbye Helen. You have a lovely friend there,, [Marge "Hmmm's"
1500% unhappily] Let's hope something runs over her. [Marge sniggers]
1500% Your laughter is like music to me,, but if you laugh at what I say
1500% next, I will die. For I am about to say something very serious,
1500% perhaps shocking. Marge my darling, I want you to meet with me,
1500% again.
1500% Marge: That doesn't shock me.
1500% Jacque: [reaches across the table] Away from prying eyes, away from the
1500% Helen's of the world. At my apartment,, the Fiesta Terrace.
1501% Marge: You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.
1501% Jacque: Ha ha, [whispered] I like you so much. They're not for bowling
1501% Marge. You're so naive,, They're for lovemaking!
1501% Marge: Really?
1502% Jacque: What cosmic force brought us together Marge?
1502% Marge: Destiny!
1502% Jacque: Yes. Some divine pin-spotter, must have placed us, side-by-side.
1502% Marge: Like two fragile bowling pins.
1502% Jacque: Standing bravely.
1502% Marge: Until inevitably,,
1502% Jacque: We must topple.
1503% Jacque: Marge! Marge! Speak to me!
1503% Marge: Is Thursday ok?
1503% Jacque: It's ok indeed.
1504% Bart: Hey Dad! Whatawe say we toss the old apple around, huh? Sound like
1504% fun?
1504% Homer: Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball.
1504% Bart: Come on Dad, get the lead out.
1505% Bart: [practicing his baseball] Simpson checks the runner on first, he's
1505% cool(?) on sign. Here's the windup, and Heerree's the pitch,,
1505% [which beans Homer on the head. Homer slumps to the ground. Bart
1505% runs up to him] Dad, you didn't even say `Ouch!'
1505% Homer: Oh... Sorry... Ouch.
1506% Bart: Lisa, Lisa,, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very
1506% very wrong here.
1506% Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three,, Fear.
1506% Bart: [urgently] Well come on! We've got to do something man!
1506% Lisa: Sorry Bart, I would love to help you but I am mired in stage five,
1506% Self-pity.
1507% Bart: Look Dad, I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some
1507% advice that might help.
1507% Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here.
1507% Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you, and
1507% you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth
1507% shut. At least that way you won't make things worse.
1507% Homer: Hmmm, good advice.
1508% Homer: Marge, may I.. speak to you?
1508% Marge: Sure.
1508% Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly
1508% sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the
1508% guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle
1508% where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You've just got
1508% a gift I guess, and I've always thought so,, I've just never
1508% mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in
1508% keeping feelings bottled up. [pause] Goodbye my wife.
1508% Marge: ...Goodbye Homer.
1509% Jacque: To the most beautiful moment in life,, Better than a deed, better
1509% than a memory, the moment... of anticipation!
1510% Jacque: Oh Jacque, you handsome devil. Look at you,, You're really going
1510% to STRIKE OUT TONIGHT!
1511% Lenny: Ain't you hungry Homer?
1511% Homer: Starving.
1511% Lenny: Then why aren't you eating your sandwich?
1511% Homer: How can I eat it? She made it,, It's all I have left.
1512%[Taps him on the shoulder]
1512% Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're hear to see me, right?
1512% Marge: Of course! [cuddles and kisses him on the cheek]
1513% Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss?
1513% Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I
1513% love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
1514%Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?
1514%Kids: Krusty!
1514%Krusty: How much do you love me?
1514% [Bart and Lisa watch the show at home]
1514%Bart+Lisa+Kids: With all our heart!
1514%Krusty: What would do if I went off the air?
1514%Bart+Lisa+Kids: We'd kill ourselves!
1514%-- Making life worth living, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1515%Krusty: Don't blame me...
1515%Krusty+Kids: didn't do it!
1515%-- Words to live by, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1516%Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
1516%-- Bart, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1517%Bart+Lisa: [laugh at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
1517%Marge: My, all this senseless violence. I don't understand the appeal.
1517%Bart: We don't expected you to, Mom.
1517%Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
1517%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1518%If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
1518%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted'
1519%Oooooh, eight carousels! We're in for a real treat!
1519%-- Marge welcomes her sisters, laden with slides of their latest trip,
1519% ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1520%Hello, steady customer! How are you this evening, sir?
1520%-- Apu welcomes Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1521%Mmm... Chocolate...
1521%Ooooh, double chocolate...
1521%Gasp! New flavor! Triple chocolate!
1521%-- Homer buys ice cream, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1522%What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you so unhappy when you are
1522%purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
1522%-- Apu to Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1523%Krusty: [holding a gun] Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
1523%Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery.
1523% I do work in a convenience store, you know.
1523%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1524%You can emerge now from my chips.
1524%The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
1524%-- Apu to a (cowardly) Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1525%Patty: This is a Mexican delicacy called a `taco platter'.
1525%Selma: Mmm, delicious.
1525%-- Narrating a slide show of their trip to the Yucatan, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1526%Krusty: Hey, what's going on, here?
1526%Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery.
1526% You have the right to remain silent.
1526% Anything you say, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.
1526%-- You know the rest, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1527%Send in the clowns!
1527%-- Chief Wiggum prepares for a police line-up, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1528%And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return.
1528%[click, next slide]
1528%And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed.
1528%Thus concludes our Mexican Odyssey.
1528%-- Patty shows vacation slides, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1529%Why did the clown cross the road?
1529%To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
1529%A new story behind that enigmatic half-joke after this commercial message.
1529%-- Scott Christian anchors the newscast, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1530%Homer: Bart, you know that guy on your lunchbox?
1530%Bart: Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?
1530%Homer: He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he?
1530%Bart: Are you kidding? He's my idol!
1530% I've based my life on Krusty's teaching.
1530%-- Krusticism? ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1531%Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended
1531%the TV clown, who appears on a rival station, opposite our
1531%own Emmy award winning Hobo Hate.
1531%-- Scott Christian's news flash, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1532%Earth-to-Marge. Earth-to-Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
1532%-- Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1533%Good evening again, Springfield. Krusty the Klown, the beloved idol of
1533%countless tots, now nothing more than a common (alleged) criminal.
1533%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1534%His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media
1534%circus, as children of all ages, from 8 to 80, hang onto each new
1534%development like so many Rumanian trapeze artists.
1534%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1535%Krusty: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids?
1535% Well, we've got another one coming right up.
1535% But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products!
1535% [Sideshow Bob wheels in a barebecue grill]
1535% Mmmm.... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon.
1535% And glistening, sizzling.... Aaaagh! D'oh!
1535% [Krusty clutches his chest and contorts his face]
1535%Kids: Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
1535%Krusty: [collapses, his hand slowly descending out of frame]
1535% Heart...attack... Gagh! I'm... dying... I'm dying...
1535%Kent: [watching on a monitor] Heh heh heh.
1535%-- Krusty's near-fatal heart attack in 1986, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1536%Bart: Look at him. His clothes are so drab.
1536%Lisa: His face is so flesh-colored and sad.
1536%Bart: And his feet. They're so small.
1536% [grabs Krusty] Say it ain't so, Krusty!
1536%Atty: Uh, my client has no comment at this time.
1536%Krusty; [meekly] I didn't do it!
1536% [all laugh as Krusty is dragged away on his heels]
1536%-- Once a clown, always a clown. ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1537%Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
1537%Krusty: [brightly] I plead guilty, your honor.
1537% [huge gasp from the crowd, Krusty looks around surprised]
1537%Atty: [whispers into Krusty's ear]
1537%Krusty: Oh, heh heh heh, not guilty, heh heh heh.
1537% Opening-night jitters, your honor.
1537%-- Just picture them in their underwear, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1538%Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of
1538%heavily-salted snack treats?
1538%-- Prosecutor at Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1539%These toys are just adorable. Who would have guessed they were inspired
1539%by an insane criminal genius.
1539%-- Marge throws out Krusty-related toys, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1540%Bart: Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality!
1540%Homer: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon!
1540% Now come on, son, get with the winning team!
1540%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1541%Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few
1541%words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but
1541%because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please
1541%stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
1541%-- Reverend Lovejoy coordinates a Krusty-burning, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1542%Prosecutor: Betting slips, indicating that you've lost substantial sums
1542% of money on sports gambling.
1542%Krusty: [dramatically] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
1542%Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
1542%Krusty: [meekly] Oh.
1542%-- Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1543%Foreperson: We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown... Guilty.
1543%Crowd: [gasp!]
1543%Defense Attorney: Ugh! [bangs the table] I knew it!
1543% This happens to me every time!
1543%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1544%Bart: I bet I can prove Krusty's innocent, but... [meekly] I need your help.
1544%Lisa: [genuinely not knowing] You do? Why?
1544%Bart: Oh, come on, Lis, you know why.
1544%Lisa: No! Why?
1544%Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but...
1544% [deep breath] You're smarter than me.
1544%Lisa: [adorable smile]
1544%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1545%[hiding behind the counter]
1545%Okay, don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.
1545%-- Apu, once bitten twice shy, ``Krusty the Clown''
1546%Hey, hey, this is not a lending library!
1546%If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
1546%-- Apu, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1547%Come on, Bart, go with the flow!
1547%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1548%Sideshow Bob: So what's on your mind, Bart? Is it that other children
1548% don't accept you?
1548%Bart: Sure, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me.
1548%-- Armchair psychiatry, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1549%The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield
1549%Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal
1549%and Susan Sonntag.
1549%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1550%There was a school of thought called stoicism...
1550%-- Sideshow Bob hosts his Cavalcade of Whimsy, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1551%Bart: Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store!
1551% Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof!
1551% [whams Sideshow Bob's foot with a mallet]
1551%Sideshow Bob: [hopping and grabbing his foot]
1551% Ow! You lousy, stupid clumsy...
1551%Kids: Gasp!
1551%Bart: See that? Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet,
1551% like all good-hearted people. [whams Sideshow Bob's other foot]
1551%Sideshow Bob: [on the floor, grabbing his feet]
1551%Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled those shoes with these ugly feet!
1551% [removes Sideshow Bob's shoe, revealing his big, ugly feet]
1551%The Cop: [watching the show, eating donuts] Kid's right.
1551%The Other Cop: [doing the same] How do you suppose we missed that?
1551%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1552%And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids.
1552%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1553%Treat kids like equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think!
1553%They were smart enough to catch me!
1553%-- Sideshow Bob is carted away to jail, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1554%I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in
1554%prison are exaggerated.
1554%-- Homer to Krusty, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1555%Mrs. Skinner: This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about?
1555%Pr. Skinner: Mm hm.
1555%Mrs. Skinner: Why, he looks so sweet!
1555%Bart: I am, ma'am.
1555%-- He also lies, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1556%Milhouse: You going to flush it? [a cherry bomb]
1556%Bart: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.
1556%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1557%Homer: [lying on the couch] Oh, Maaarge, I'm still hurt! \\
1557% [rings a handbell] Maaarge! Maaaaaarge!
1557%Marge: [finally arrives] Oh, Homer. How many times do I have to fluff
1557% your pillow?
1557%Homer: Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled-cheese
1557% sandwich?
1557%Marge: [reluctantly] Well, okay.
1557%Homer: Make sure it's squished flat, and crunchy on the outside.
1557%Marge: I know how you like 'em, Homer.
1557%Homer: Oh, and can I have some of those wieners that come in a can?
1557% Oh, and some fruit cocktail, in heavy syrup.
1557%Marge: Mmmmm...
1557%-- Milking an injury, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1558%Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.
1558%Principal Skinner: Mm hm. I understand completely.
1558%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1559%Pr. Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible.
1559% I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it
1559% behooves us all to consider... deportation.
1559%Marge: Deportation!? You mean, kick Bart out of the country?
1559%Homer: Eh, hear him out, Marge.
1559%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1560%Pr. Skinner: Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange
1560% program. Normally, a student is selection on the basis of academic
1560% excellence or intelligence. But in Bart's case... I'm prepared to
1560% make a exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can
1560% be spending the next three months studying far, far away.
1560%Homer: Sounds great!
1560%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1561%Pr. Skinner: He'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart
1561% of the wine country.
1561%Marge: But Bart doesn't speak French.
1561%Pr. Skinner: Oh, when he's fully immersed in a foreign language, the average
1561% child can become fluent in weeks!
1561%Homer: Yeah, but what about Bart?
1561%Pr. Skinner: I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by.
1561%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1562%Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't
1562%pulling the same scam you are!
1562%-- Homer learns that Bart has been selected for an exchange program,
1562% ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1563%Pr. Skinner: You'll be getting an Albanian.
1563%Homer: You mean, all white with pink eyes?
1563%-- Student exchange program, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1564%Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me.
1564%-- Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1565%He makes crazy twelve months a year. At least you get the summer off.
1565%-- Homer chats with Principal Skinner, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1566%Bart: And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom?
1566%Marge: Yes, Bart.
1566%Bart: And one back?
1566%-- We'll think about it, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1567%Always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm
1567%saying is... Don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.
1567%-- Homer sends Bart to France, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1568%Lisa: You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek.
1568%Homer: Heh heh heh. The lek!
1568%Lisa: And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field.
1568%Homer: Give me the ol' stars-and-stripes!
1568%Lisa: And the main export is furious political thought.
1568%Homer: Political what?
1568%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1569%You will find life here at the ch\^ateau hard, but if you shut up and
1569%do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly.
1569%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1570%You might find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem
1570%absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the
1570%benefit of the doubt. This way, and only in this way, do we hope to better
1570%understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.
1570%-- Principal Skinner's introduction, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1571%Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people
1571% control ninety-five percent of the wealth?
1571%Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think and act
1571% and worship any way they want.
1571%Adil: Cannot!
1571%Lisa: Can too!
1571%Adil: Cannot!
1571%Lisa: Can too!
1571%Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting.
1571% Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity,
1571% and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism
1571% being oiled with the blood of the workers.
1571%-- The thoughts of a worker who does not control the means of production,
1571% ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1572%Marge: I'll just clean the dishes...
1572%Adil: No, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough today.
1572% will clear the dishes.
1572%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1573%Did you see that? This is the way I always wanted it to be! We've become
1573%a fully-functioning family unit! We've always blamed ourselves, but I
1573%guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.
1573%-- Homer trades Bart for Adil, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1574%Oh, she's just jealous. She'll get over it.
1574%And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her! Heh, heh, heh.
1574%-- Homer on Lisa's recent ourburst, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1575%Homer: Look, Adil, you can call me `Dad'.
1575%Adil: All right... `Dad'.
1575%Homer: Awwww, you called me `Dad'.
1575%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1576%None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work...
1576%-- Homer, upon Adil's request to see SNPP, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1577%See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled.
1577%Now, how's for freedom of choice!
1577%-- Homer introduces Adil to the American workplace, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1578%Homer: Hey, Lenny, does this place have one of those plutonium
1578% isolation deals?
1578%Lenny: Yeah, in Sector 12.
1578%Homer: Sector 12?
1578%Lenny: Third floor, by the candy machine.
1578%Homer: Oh, Sector 12!
1578%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1579%We think Maggie may say her first word any day now.
1579%-- Marge's letter to Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1580%Quand je sens que ma foi dans les forces supr\^emes faiblit,
1580%je pense toujours au miracle de l'anti-freeze.
1580%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1581%Whenever my faith in God is shaken, I think of the miracle of anti-freeze.
1581%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1582%Cesar: [shoves a cup of wine in Bart's face] Drink this.
1582%Bart: Oh, no thanks.
1582%Cesar: Do not worry. This is France. It is customary for children to take
1582% a little wine now and then.
1582%Bart: Yeah, but it's got anti-freeze in there.
1582%Cesar: Drink it!
1582%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1583%He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of anti-freeze.
1583%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1584%I'm so stupid. Anybody could've learned this dumb language by now.
1584%Here, I've listened to nothing but French for the past |{deux mois,}
1584% |[two months,]
1584%{et je ne sais pas un mot.}
1584%[And I haven't learned a word.]
1584%{Eh! Mais, je parle Fran\c{c}ais maintenant!}
1584%[Wait! I'm talking French now!]
1584%{Incroyable!}
1584%[Incredible!]
1584%-- Bart learns French, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1585%Bart: You gotta help me. These two guys work me night and day.
1585% They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor.
1585% They put anti-freeze in the wine, and they gave
1585% my red hat to the donkey.
1585%Policeman: [shocked]
1585% Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime.
1585%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1586%Oh, just some blueprints Adil wanted.
1586%I'm telling you, he's such a curious little Dickens.
1586%I bet he could a nukeeler power plant if he wanted to!
1586%-- Homer fetches classified information for Adil, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1587%Homer: I'm his neighbor, what'd he do?
1587%Agent: [through the megaphone] Well, sir, the...
1587% [turns off the megaphone] Well, sir...
1587%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1588%Spy: So, Sparrow, we meet again.
1588%Adil: Yes. Sometimes I think that I am getting too old for this game.
1588%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1589%Good-bye, Adil! I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted!
1589%-- Homer bids farewell to an Albanian spy, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1590%So, basically, I met one nice French person.
1590%-- Bart's summary of his trip to France, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1591%Some wise-guy stuck a cork in the bottle!
1591%-- Homer struggles to open a wine bottle, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1592%Mon p\`ere! Quel bouffon!
1592%-- Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1593%> Didja notice...
1594% ... the doors were missing from the toilet stalls in the boys' room?
1594% Typical elementary school facilities.
1594% ... Bart got his wish? He lived the life of a frog!
1594% ... someone took a bicycle on the plane as carry-one luggage?
1594% ... Principal Skinner gave a speech and didn't screw up a single word?
1595%> Movie (and other) References
1596% * Assorted French paintings
1596% - Bart's ride through the French countryside
1596% - Dejeuner sur l'herbe
1596% - Three others
1596% * Jean de Florette and Manon of the Spring
1596% - Cesar and Huguolin look like and have the same
1596% names as the evil peasants. @{tas}@{jmv}
1597%> Comments and other observations
1598%>> French, as viewed by a Frenchman
1599%Jean-Marc Vezien @{jmv} volunteered to study the episode from a French
1599%point of view, and here's the result of his analysis:
1600%Although ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' remains my favorite, ``The Crepes
1600%of Wrath'' is certainly a very good episode, especially for a French
1600%native. The depiction of the two bad guys is hilarious (I'll try to
1600%explain why below), as well as the accent itself. First, the
1600%names: Maurice, Cesar (this should be C\'esar, with acute accent, but
1600%who cares?)\ and Huguolin. Maurice is a typical French name, very
1600%common for men in their 40's or 50's. Definitly out of fashion, and
1600%usually associated with countryside flavor (which tends to be
1600%pejorative nowadays). Needless to say, this doesn't reflect the
1600%average IQ of all the Maurices in France, but so there.
1601%Cesar and Huguolin are two very famous characters of French
1601%litterature, from the novel ``Manon des sources'' (Manon of the
1601%Springs), two corrupted, bad-manered peasants of the 30's. They don't
1601%happen to make wine, but steal the water from another guy's land by
1601%obstructing his spring. In fact, the story is rather intricate and
1601%probably not interesting for Americans. But Cesar and Huguolin
1601%represent the archetype of the typical narrow-minded, twisted farmer
1601%of France at the beginning of the century, ready to commit any abuse
1601%for a little money. Needless to say, this doesn't reflect the average
1601%behaviour of all the farmers in France, but so there.
1602%The funniest thing all along the episode is the accent. The point is,
1602%except the policeman (who speaks such a accentless French that it's
1602%funny anyway), all the French speaking characters have a
1602%American accent. Furthermore, Cesar and Huguolin's voicers have
1602%tried to imitate the French countryside accent, which kept me rolling on
1602%the floor with laughter. Some of the sentences are very hard to catch,
1602%even for a native, and a few words remain a mystery for me. Oh well. I
1602%also like the way the French guys speak English (a very good catch of
1602%the real French accent, putting `e' at the ends of sentences, or
1602%rolling the `r').
1603%Now, for those who plan to go to France for a vacation or an exchange
1603%student program, let me state this: It is possible to go in September,
1603%to the southwest of France (the Bordeaux region) and spend a
1603%marvelous (although exhausting) time, gathering the grapes. Lots of
1603%gigantic meals, free wine and girls (well, at least wine...),
1603%in a friendly atmosphere. No Cesar or Huguolin, and no risk of
1603%anti-freeze! Along this line, it's absolutly that some crooks
1603%tried to add anti-freeze to the wine in order to make it taste ``older''.
1603%(Normally it takes at least one and up to 20 years to make a decent
1603%wine.) This, of course, is prohibited and the production is severely
1603%controlled. (I speak for France, now the situation can be somewhat
1603%different in Italy or Spain, which produce lots of cheap wine.)
1604%And out of curiosity, is it real Albanian?
1605%>>> Now for the French part
1606%{\catcode`\|\active\def\({\Q\parskip0pt\QuoteMulti}\let\\\medbreak
1606%\def\){\endQuoteMulti\eQ}\let\,\c\def|#1: #2|{\QuoteLine{#1}{#2}\endQuoteLine}
1607%Before Bart arrives...
1607%\(
1607%{|C\'esar: Ah, Maurice. D\`es que le gar\,con am\'ericain arrive,
1607% tes jours d'esclavage sont finis.
1607%||Translation: Ah, Maurice. As soon as the American boy arrives,
1607% your days of slavery are over.
1607%||Subtitle: Ah, Maurice. Once the American boy arrives /
1607% your days of back-breaking labor will be over.
1607%|}\)
1607%\\
1608%Huguolin and C\'esar go through Bart's things:
1608%\(
1608%{|Huguolin: C\'esar, regarde! Nous sommes riches!
1608%||Translation: C\'esar, look! We are rich!
1608%||Subtitle: Cesar, look! We are rich!
1608%|\smallskip
1608% |C\'esar: Ceux-l\`a sont trop petits, mais on peut les vendre.
1608%||Translation: These are too small, but we can sell them.
1608%||Subtitle: These won't fit us, but we can sell them.
1608%|\smallskip
1608% |Huguolin: Regarde, Maurice. Un beau chapeau rouge pour toi.
1608%||Translation: Look, Maurice. A beautiful red hat for you.
1608%||Subtitle: And a red hat for you, Maurice.
1608%|}\)
1608%\\
1609%Dinnertime...
1609%\(
1609%{|Huguolin: Elle est bonne cette saucisse.
1609%||Translation: This sausage is really good.
1609%||Subtitle: Mmm. Good sausage.
1609%|\smallskip
1609% |C\'esar: Oui tr\`es. Passe-moi le vin.
1609%||Translation: Yeah, a lot. Give me the wine.
1609%||Subtitle: Yes. Pass me the wine.
1609%|}\)
1609%So we have here the archetype of (1)~the typical rural French meal
1609%and (2)~the typical rural French conversation.
1609%\\
1610%As Bart reads the letter from Marge...
1610%\(
1610%{|C\'esar: Silence!
1610%||Translation: Silence!
1610%|}\)
1610%But you knew that already.
1610%\\
1611%In the wine shack...
1611%\(
1611%{|C\'esar: Ah, je crois que \,ca va \^etre notre meilleur cuv\'ee.
1611%||Translation: Ah, I think this is going to be our best vintage.
1611%||Subtitle: This will be our finest wine ever.
1611%|\smallskip
1611% |Huguolin: Mais le vin n'a ferment\'e que trois jours.
1611%||Translation: But the wine has only fermented for three days.
1611%||Subtitle: But it's only been fermenting for three days.
1611%|\smallskip
1611% |C\'esar: Quand je sens que ma foi dans les forces supr\^emes
1611% faiblit, je pense toujours au miracle de l'anti-freeze.
1611%||Translation: When my faith in the supreme forces weakens, I always
1611% think of the miracle of the antifreeze.
1611%||Subtitle: Whenever my faith in God is shaken,
1611% I think of the miracle of anti-freeze.
1611%|}\)
1611%I couldn't stop laughing at this one. First, C\'esar pronounces
1611%(vintage) with an American ``u'', sounding , or using French
1611%spelling, , which means ``clutch''! Then there is this
1611%incredible sentence refering to supreme forces. I don't know for the
1611%Americans, but it sounds crazy in French.
1611%[It sounds crazy in English, too. --rjc] Last, C\'esar says
1611% (we say in French), which, combined
1611%with the leading , sounds almost like
1611% which means !
1611%\\
1612%Continuing...
1612%\(
1612%{|C\'esar: Si on en met trop, bien s\^ur, c'est du poison.
1612%||Translation: If you put put too much of it, of course, it's lethal.
1612%||Subtitle: Too much can be poison,
1612%|\smallskip
1612% |C\'esar: Mais dans les proportions voulues, \,ca donne du corps au vin.
1612%||Translation: But in the desired proportions, it gives body to the wine.
1612%||Subtitle: but the right amount gives wine just the right kick.
1612%|}\)
1612%``Corps'' is difficult to translate here, as I'm not a specialist of wine.
1612%In fact, I realize I don't even know how to describe it properly.
1612%Let's stick to ``body'', which is reasonably accurate.
1612%\\
1613%\(
1613%{|Huguolin: Je crois que tu en as mis trop.
1613% Tu vas tuer quelqu'un avec \,ca.
1613%||Translation: I think you put too much of it.
1613% You'll kill somebody with that.
1613%||Subtitle: You put in too much. It may kill someone.
1613%|\smallskip
1613% |C\'esar: Tuer quelqu'un? T'es fou!
1613%||Translation: Kill someone? You're nuts!
1613%||Subtitle: Kill someone? Don't be ridiculous.
1613%|}\)
1613%\\
1614%As they're about to feed Bart the tainted wine...
1614%\(
1614%{|C\'esar: Regarde, je te parie que \,ca va m\^eme pas le rendre aveugle.
1614%||Translation: Look, I bet you he's not even going to be blind.
1614%||Subtitle: Watch. I'll bet it won't even blind him.
1614%|}\)
1614%The word ``aveugle'' is spoken in such a manner that only by consulting
1614%the subtitle could I figure out what he said!
1614%\\
1615%\(
1615%{|C\'esar: Qu'est ce que je t'avais dit?
1615% Maintenant, vas nous chercher une caisse
1615% d'anti-freeze au magasin.
1615%||Translation: What did I tell you?
1615% Now, go and get us a case of antifreeze at the store.
1615%||Subtitle: He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of anti-freeze.
1615%|}\)
1615%Here, really sounds like .
1615%\\
1616%\(
1616%{|Huguolin: Mais il pleut!
1616% Est-ce qu'on peut attendre \`a faire le vin demain?
1616%||Translation: But it's raining!
1616% Can't we wait until tomorrow to make the wine?
1616%||Subtitle: But it's raining outside. Let's make the wine tomorrow.
1616%|}\)
1616%It seems that Huguolin's voicer had problem with this sentence, which
1616%sounds terrible. Besides, the <\`a> is incorrect. It should be ~(for)
1616%or ~(and).
1616%\\
1617%\(
1617%{|C\'esar: On a d\'ej\`a perdu trois jours.
1617%||Translation: We've already lost three days.
1617%||Subtitle: We have already waited three days.
1617%|}\)
1617%Sounds like a good score for wine-making!
1617%\\
1618%\(
1618%{|Huguolin: Alors, envoie le gar\,con!
1618%||Translation: Then, send the kid!
1618%||Subtitle: Then send the boy.
1618%|}\)
1618%\\
1619%Bart's visit to Paris. Stores named and .
1619%Bart spots a (not so) typical French policeman and tries to talk to him.
1619%\(
1619%{|Policeman: Excusez-moi, je ne parle pas Anglais.
1619%||Translation: Excuse me, I don't speak English.
1619%|}\)
1619%Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha ha! A French policeman apologizes. Besides,
1619%this guy sounds like a shy school teacher who spent his life behind
1619%his books (with a perfect, sweet, accentless French), not like the
1619%average cop, who would have said: ``'' (So shorty, lost your mum?)
1619%\\
1620%Bart's struggle with the language continues.
1620%\(
1620%{|Policeman: Tiens, petit gar\,con. Voil\`a un bonbon.
1620%||Translation: There, little boy. here's a piece of candy.
1620%|}\)
1620%Do you think French cops give sweets to lost American kids?
1620%\\
1621%\(
1621%{|Policeman: Je suis d\'esol\'e, j'aimerais vraiment pouvoir vous aider.
1621%||Translation: I'm sorry, I'd really like to help you.
1621%|}\)
1621%Come on! An understanding cop? Gimme a break, man!
1621%\\
1622%Bart complains to himself, ``Anybody could have learnt this dumb language
1622%by now!'' (Sure, especially Homer!)
1622%\(
1622%{|Bart: Here, I've listened to nothing but French for the past
1622% deux mois, / et je ne sais pas un mot.
1622%||Translation: two months, / And I don't know a word!
1622%||Subtitle: two months. / And I haven't learned a word.
1622%|}\)
1622%Not too bad an accent, for a beginner.
1622%\\
1623%\(
1623%{|Bart: Mais, je parle Fran\,cais maintenant! / Incroyable!
1623%||Translation: My, I speak French now! / Incredible!
1623%||Subtitle: Wait! I'm talking French now! / Incredible!
1623%|}\)
1623%Indeed, it is.
1623%\\
1624%\(
1624%{|Bart: Hey, Monsieur, aidez-moi!
1624% Ces deux types me font travailler jour et nuit.
1624% Ils ne me donnent pas \`a manger,
1624% ils me font dormir par terre,
1624% ils mettent de l'antifreeze dans le vin,
1624% et ils ont donn\'e mon chapeau rouge \`a l'\^ane.
1624%||Translation: Hey sir, help me!
1624% Those two guys make me work day and night.
1624% They don't feed me,
1624% they make me sleep on the ground,
1624% they put antifreeze in the wine,
1624% and they gave my red hat to the donkey.
1624%||Subtitle: You gotta help me. These two guys work me night and day. /
1624% They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. /
1624% They put anti-freeze in the wine,
1624% and they gave my red hat to the donkey.
1624%|}\)
1624%Note that the policeman gulps when Bart mentions the antifreeze.
1624%Nothing is worse than to adulterate wine in France.
1624%Death penalty at the very least.
1624%\\
1625%\(
1625%{|Policeman: De l'antifreeze dans le vin?
1625% Ah mais c'est s\'erieux \,ca!
1625% Viens avec moi, fiston, tu n'as plus rien \`a craindre.
1625%||Translation: Antifreeze in the wine?
1625% This is serious indeed!
1625% Come with me, boy, you've got nothing to fear anymore.
1625%||Subtitle: Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime. /
1625% Come along, boy. There is nothing for you to fear now.
1625%|}\)
1625%Two major flaws here: First, the French cop understands it all right away.
1625%Usually you have to explain things four or five times just to get a
1625%glimmer of comprehension. Second, Bart is now all alone with a cop,
1625%which typically means that he's in deep, deep trouble.
1625%\\
1626%\(
1626%{|Bart: Mon [???]. Vous aurez toujours une place dans mon c{\oe}ur.
1626%||Translation: My [???]. You will always have a place in my heart.
1626%||Subtitle: My savior. You will always have a place in my heart.
1626%|}\)
1626%The first two words are covered by music and are impossible to figure out.
1626%As for Bart's behaviour (thanking a cop), I can
1626%see only one explanation: Antifreeze poisoning.
1626%\\
1627%The bad guys get busted...
1627%\(
1627%{|Policeman: He ben maintenant, vous ferez votre vin en prison!
1627%||Translation: Well, now, you'll make your wine in prison!
1627%||Subtitle: From now on you will be doing all your winemaking in prison.
1627%|}\)
1627%Ha, ha, ha. Typical cop joke.
1627%\\
1628%\(
1628%{|Huguolin: Nous [????] les prisons!
1628%||Translation: We [????] the jails!
1628%|}\)
1628%The word marked [????] is not a French word. I swear it.
1628%\\
1629%\(
1629%{|C\'esar: Et tout \,ca, parce qu'on a particip\'e \`a un
1629% programme d'\'echange d'\'etudiants!
1629%||Translation: And all this because we were part of an student
1629% exchange program!
1629%||Subtitle: And all because we participated in a student exchange program.
1629%|\smallskip
1629% |Bart: Au revoir, suckers!
1629%||Translation: Bye bye, suckers!
1629%|}\)
1629%Note that Bart could have used the French equivalent of suckers, ``pigeons''.
1629%\\
1630%At the airport:
1630%\(
1630%{|Voice: Air France, flight mille neuf cent quatre-vingt huit,
1630% Paris to Springfield, is now arriving.
1630%||Translation: Air France, flight 1988, Paris to Springfield, is now arriving.
1630%|}\)
1630%\\
1631%Back at home, Bart muses to himself...
1631%\(
1631%{|Bart: Mon p\`ere, quel bouffon.
1631%||Translation: My father. What a buffoon.
1631%||Subtitle: My father. What a buffoon.
1631%|}\)
1631%All in all, pretty funny. Nevertheless, I wonder why they didn't take
1631%real French speakers. (Hey, they could have asked me!) Now don't
1631%tell me it was too difficult to find. The depiction of France was as
1631%grotesque as I expected (Bart met one nice person in France), and
1631%Groening et al.\ captured some of the worse features you can find on a
1631%trip to France. (Wonder where he got his info.)
1631%}
1632%>> Miscellaneous
1633%You'd think the water in the toilet bowl would've extinguished the fuse
1633%on the cherry bomb.
1634%> Boring distribution restrictions
1635%Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1992 by Raymond Chen.
1635%Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
1635%(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
1635%and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
1635%I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)
1636%Homer: [receives a sweepstakes junk mail with a `You may have already won'
1636% check] One million dollars! I'm rich! [rushes to the bank]
1636%Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable.
1636%Homer: Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure?
1636%Teller: See where it says, ``VOID VOID VOID'' and ``This is not a check'',
1636% ``Cash value one twentieth of a cent'', ``Mr. Banker, do not
1636% honor''...
1636%Homer: Shut up.
1636%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1637%Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true.
1637% Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
1637%Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
1637%-- Homer may have already won $1 million, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1638%Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
1638%Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start
1638% now.
1638%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1639%Homer: [reading `Reading Digest'] Hey, a cartoon!
1639% [a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car]
1639% ``Well, dear, you always wanted a compact...''
1639% [laughs] Ain't it the truth!
1639%Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are
1639% safer drivers than men.
1639%Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just
1639% stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
1639% [gets up, revealing rear cleavage]
1639%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1640%Len: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime!
1640%Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
1640%Len: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those
1640% stomach staples?
1640%Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, ``Give me learning, sir,
1640% and you may keep your black bread.''
1640%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1641%Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
1641%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
1641%Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange.
1641% His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!
1641%-- Why is Homer reading on the job? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1642%Announcer: We now return to Troy McClure and Dolores Montenegro
1642% in ``Preacher with a Shovel''.
1642%Man's voice: But irrigation can your people, Chief Smiling Bear!
1642%-- The wonders of the American cinema, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1643%Marge: You've certainly taking a shying to that magazine.
1643%Homer: It's not just magazine, Marge; they take of
1643% magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something
1643% that fits right into your front pocket.
1643% [struggles to shove it into his front pocket, tearing the seams
1643% in the process]
1643%-- Reading is fundamental, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1644%Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers
1644% dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion!
1644% [gasp] He'll be killed!
1644%Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
1644%Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.
1644%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1645%Homer: [reads] Seven ways to spice up your marriage.
1645% [ahem] [reads woodenly] Marge, you have a nice body.
1645% And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask.
1645%Marge: Why, thank you, Homey.
1645%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1646%Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC. All expenses paid, VIP tour'...
1646% Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash]
1646%Lisa: Wait, Dad. [fishes out of trash]
1646% Mm, an essay contest. Children under twelve, three hundred words,
1646% fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting.
1646%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1647%[as tranquil music plays in the background, Lisa writes her essay]
1647%What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?
1647%He'd say... [tranquil music abruptly stops]
1647%[erasing] Oh, think of a better opening.
1647%-- After all, Ben Franklin was an editor, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1648%Lisa: Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
1648%Homer: Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.
1648%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1649%We the purple? What the hell was that?
1649%-- Father to son on his essay topic, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1650%Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off!
1650%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1651%Steward: Yes, sir, can I get you something?
1651%Homer: Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin,
1651% propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else
1651% I've got coming to me.
1651%Steward: I'll see what I can do.
1651%-- Flying to Washington, DC, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1652%Pilot: And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle.
1652% Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
1652%Bart: No thank you. I'd rather push this button.
1652% [leans over and pushes a button]
1652%Pilot: No!
1652% [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments]
1652%Homer: Aagh! We're all going to die! [screams from the passengers]
1652%-- Are you breathing naturally? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1653%[at the airport, sees a chauffeur holding a sign that reads, `SIMPSON']
1653%Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do!
1653%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1654%Wow! A shoe horn! Just like in the movies!
1654%-- Homer is amazed at what comes with the hotel room,
1654% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1655%Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase
1655%your word power'. That thing is really, really.. really.... good.
1655%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1656%Faith: Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists.
1656% This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez.
1656%Maria and Trong: Hello.
1656%Faith: Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Trong has
1656% won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL
1656% Punt-Pass-and-Kick competition.
1656%Lisa: Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior
1656% ability?
1656%Maria: Mm.
1656%Trong: Sure, I guess.
1656%Lisa: Oh! Me, too! [embraces them]
1656%-- The plight of the superior, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1657%Faith: These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places
1657% other tourists never see.
1657%Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for?
1657%Faith: Important.
1657%Homer: Ooh. How about the `V'?
1657%Faith: Very.
1657%Homer: Oh. And Miss, just one more question.
1657%Faith: Person.
1657%Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?
1657%-- Short term um, what's that called... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1658%Bart: [reading a sign] On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled
1658% back-to-back 300 games.
1658%Homer: Yeah, right.
1658%-- Would he lie to you? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1659%Marge: Wow, the President's bathroom...
1659%Lisa: [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking]
1659%Babs: [gasp] Do you mind!
1659%Lisa: Barbara Bush!
1659%Babs: Ugh, you have those damn badges. Okay... [playing tour guide]
1659% This tub was installed in 1894...
1659%-- The VIP tour, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1660%Tour guide: Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day.
1660% Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples.
1660% [tour group chuckles]
1660%Homer: Lousy cheap country...
1660%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1661%Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!
1661%-- Or is it Looey? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1662%Marge: [admiring the Washington Monument] [chuckles]
1662%Homer: Hey, what's so funny?
1662%Marge: [whispers]
1662%Homer: Oh, Marge, grow up.
1662%-- Did he say, `up'? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1663%Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and I'd like to give you a
1663%logging permit, I would. But this isn't like burying toxic waste. People
1663%are going to notice those trees are gone.
1663%-- The quandaries of a Congressman, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1664%Arnold: You must be Lisa Simpson.
1664%Lisa: Hello, sir.
1664%Arnold: Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be a
1664% congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators, you
1664% know.
1664%Lisa: Only two. I checked.
1664%Arnold: [chuckles] You're a sharp one.
1664%-- Congressman Arnold has met his match? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1665%Moe: [seeing a photo of Congressman Arnold and Lisa in the paper]
1665% Aw, isn't that nice. Now is a politician who cares.
1665%Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him! [belch]
1665%-- Portrait of a Nonvoter, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1666%Lisa: I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe
1666% Memorial?
1666%Homer: [half asleep] Who's that?
1666%Lisa: An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion
1666% of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.
1666%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1667%``I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor
1667%laws.'' Amen, sister.
1667%-- Lisa reads the inscription on the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial,
1667% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1668%Lisa: [over the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic]
1668% [sees the Lincoln Memorial in the reflecting pool]
1668% Honest Abe, he'll show me the way.
1668% [goes to the memorial]
1668% Mr. Lincoln?
1668%Man: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. What can I do to make this a
1668% better country?
1668%Woman: Is this a good time to buy a house?
1668%Woman: I can't get my boy to brush proper.
1668%Man: Would I look good with a mustache?
1668%Old man: [takes of his hat, revealing his bald pate]
1668% So I tried some turpentine but that just made it worse.
1668%Lisa: [trying to make herself heard over the din]
1668% Mr. Lincoln? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
1668%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1669%Lisa: Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
1669%Jefferson: I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
1669%Lisa: Sorry, sir. It's just...
1669%Jefferson: No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did
1669% anything important. Just the Declaration of Independence,
1669% the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter...
1669%Lisa: Uh, maybe I should be going. I've caught you at a bad time...
1669% [leaves]
1669%Jefferson: Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely...
1669%-- Talking heads, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1670%Page: Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
1670%Senator: Please, son, I'm very busy.
1670%Page: A little girl is losing faith in democracy!
1670%Senator: Good Lord!
1670%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1671%Speaker: We now vote on House bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
1671%Representative: Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we
1671% tack on a pay raise for ourselves?
1671%All: No!
1671%-- Heed my quips... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1672%When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no
1672%English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide
1672%chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or
1672%possible Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why,
1672%whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded
1672%of that wonderful word: flag!
1672%-- Trong's award-winning speech, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1673%Imprisoned Congressman Becomes Born-Again Christian
1673%-- If it's in the paper, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1674%Faith: Will the winning essay be...
1674% Bubble On, O Melting Pot,
1674% Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady,
1674% USA A-OK,
1674% or Cesspool on the Potomac?
1674%Bart: Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
1674%-- Awards ceremony, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1675%Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Hallowe'en show, I warned you
1675%not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this
1675%year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think
1675%they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children
1675%and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not
1675%going to now. Enjoy the show.
1675%-- Marge's second disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1676%And to conclude this Hallowe'en newscast on a scary note... Remember, the
1676%Presidential primaries are only a few months away. [chuckles]
1676%-- Kent Brockman, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1677%Marge: If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.
1677%Bart: [mouth full of candy] [sarcasm] Oh yeah, everybody in the family
1677% is going to have bad nightmares tonight, ha!
1677%Lisa: [more sarcasm] Oh yeah, three bad nightmares.
1677%Homer: [yet more sarcasm] I'd like to see that! Heh heh heh!
1677%-- Little do they know... ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1678%Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
1678%Lisa: [annoyed] Dad, that's Monaco.
1678%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1679%Vendor: Sir, I must strongly advise you: Do not purchase this.
1679% Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune.
1679% I, myself, was once president of Algeria.
1679%Homer: Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me!
1679%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1680%Marge: Ew, Homer, where did you get that ugly thing?
1680%Homer: Why, at that little shop right over... there?
1680% [all that's left is a gust of wind] [gasp!]
1680% Oh, no, wait, it was over there.
1680% [points at the shop]
1680%-- Sleight of hand, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1681%Marge: Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
1681%Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going
1681% to scream.
1681%Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying.
1681%-- Dame Fortune frowns, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1682%Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes
1682%would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful.
1682%-- Homer, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1683%Lisa: [takes the paw] I wish for world peace.
1683% [the second finger on the paw closes]
1683%Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!
1683%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1684%British ambassador: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
1684%Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.
1684%-- The peace dividend, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1685%People of earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!
1685%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1686%Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
1686%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1687%Len: They're conking us with a club!
1687%Man: Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two...
1687%-- Green aliens invade, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1688%I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on
1688%rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie
1688%turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any
1688%other weird surprises. You got it?
1688%[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding]
1688%[a turkey sandwich materializes]
1688%[Homer takes it] Hey! [digs in]
1688%Not bad. N |