DEALING WITH JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES by Major Matt Mason Saturday morning, 10 AM. I'm quietly
DEALING WITH JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
by Major Matt Mason
Saturday morning, 10 AM. I'm quietly conducting a Q-scan on this very board
when the doorbell rings. Leaving the Mac, I go into the hall and look out.
There is a middle-aged black lady standing at the front door with a bible in
I leap into action. Quickly donning a camo jacket, black beret and dark
sunglasses, and grabbing my battery-powered MP5k water machine pistol, I run
to the front door. They're still there. Good. I fling open the door.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
JW: Good morning, sir-
Me: I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT MY SOUL! WELL, IT'S TOO LATE, DO YOU HEAR?
I'VE ALREADY SOLD IT!!!!!(manaiacal laughter)
I slam the door, and pick up the mail. Looking up, I see that the STARK FIST
has obviously struck the poor woman; she's rooted to the spot. Laughing
maniacally once again, I spray the door with water. With a gasp, she
With any luck whatsoever, I'll never be plagued by those idiots again.
I should mention the camo jacket was "Urban Camo" (various black, white and
grey splotches). Alas, the MP5K water pistol is in Water Pistol Heaven after it
dropped on the floor; however, I have a nice "Bullpup" model loosely based on a
Lazer Tag StarLyte which is picking up the slack, as it were. Oh, yes: The
above post originally apppeared on the Institute.
A few basic principles to remember here:
1) These are essentially decent (but woefully misguided and, in all
probability, none too bright) people out to Spread The Word Of The Lord.
Physical assault is right out of the question; even squirting water on them is
RIGHT OUT. You will note in the 1988 encounter, I sprayed the front door, NOT
2) If you're feeling masochistic, you MAY wish to attempt to reason with them
and try to refute their arguments. This is easily as productive a use of time
as pissing up a rope. They have their faith; their faith is strong; therefore,
they are right and you are wrong. Don't bother.
3) As with other organisms, JWs react in a Pavlovian manner to external
stimuli. If you're polite to them (even to the extent of saying "Not
interested, thank you" and firmly shutting the door), they have experienced a
pleasant encounter with a fellow human being and, who knows, a future recruit.
If, on the other hand, you walk up to the front door stark naked and invite
them to a Black Mass in the basement, fondling your genitals all the while,
chances are they will react with disgust and not bother you any more.
4) A continuation of 1): As a rule, JWs tend not to be the Charismatic Saviour
type. Once you've scared them off once, they tend not to return. In a way,
this is disappointing, as I haven't had a chance to vent my spleen at a Jesoid
in public since that day in 1988.
With this in mind, here's a list of suggestions on dealing with JWs. With
imagination, you can come up with more, I'm sure...All of these gambits assume
you've been waken from a sound sleep on a Sunday morning, are somewhat unready
to deal with strangers on short notice, have some means of ascertaining that
you are in fact dealing with door-to-door religious fanatics and have prepared
to one extent or another.
1) The Paramilitary method. As described above. A good variation would
have you coming to the front door munching on a large piece of meat
impaled on a "Rambo" style knife. For extra effect, offer them some. The
Paramilitary method can either be played screaming style or in a low, intense,
"I just flew back from the Ho Chi Minh Trail and BOY, are my ARMS TIRED!!" sort
of voice. Think Jack Nicholson.
2) Out-rant them. Have a copy of the Book of the Sub-Genius handy. Read
selected passages from the Economicon. Point out some of the more bizarre art
and claim to have witnessed the Fighting Jesus tear himself OFF the cross and
start beating the Romans over the HEAD with it.
3) Open the front door bearing a boom box on your shoulder. For best effect,
you should play Devo, "My Way" by Sid Vicious or "Go To Hell" by Alice Cooper.
4) Invite them to an orgy (variation on 3), above). Same wardrobe.
5) While physical assault is out, verbal abuse is perfectly acceptable. Dog
them down the block shouting that they support Nazi terror in the Vatican, that
a JW daycare center was shut down under suspicion of child abuse, that they're
in league with both Lyndon Larouche AND the Queen of England to flood
Kennebunkport, Newport AND Cape Cod with illicit heroin, Thorazine and
adrenochrome...use your imagination.
6) Using a pay phone and a false (but plausible) name (say, John R. Dobbs),
call 911 and tell the operator there are people ringing doorbells and trying
windows, doors and locked cars. The boys in blue will do the rest,
particularly if you sound desperate.
Like most other fanatics, JWs tend to regard adversity as spiritual exercise.
I say, let's help them exercise their spirituality to the fullest and BEYOND.
Major Matt "Hint for Hint 5): Think Radio Shack bullhorn. If you get one
which plays music, program it for the Nazi or Communist anthems..." Mason
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank