By: Kevin D. Mckenzie Re: Door to door missionaries From the Internet Infidels: How To Get

By: Kevin D. Mckenzie
Re: Door to door missionaries

From the Internet Infidels:


How To Get Rid of Door-To-Door Missionaries

     A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies
of The Watchtower scattered around...

     My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very
sweet voice): "I'm sorry, I don't give a damn about Jesus." Worked
everytime. The missionaries just backed off the porch in slack-jawed,
bug-eyed disbelief.

     Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried
off perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the
missionary will be: Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say
"Allah be Praised!!!" and just see what happens.

     Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to
missionaries. For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or
towards their car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you
to kill the missionary. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several
years.

     The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had
just awakened. Now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person
anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I have
hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real piercing, and stared past
them. I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their
getup and their bland faces. Well the female one obviously is supposed
to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said:
"We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...." And then she stared
helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh.... uh... uh..."I
then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast
gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture
between Peter Lore and Lurch, I said: I... WILL... TAKE... YOUR...
LITERATURE... AND... GIVE... IT... TO... MY... MASTER. The male one
quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling. They did
not ask for a donation. They ran. It's a true story, and they never came
back.

     A friend claims that when missionaries knock on her door, her first
response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to
know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far,
none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the
interview. SLAM!   [Note:  I'm gonna try this one]

     A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you
about God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?"

     Missionary ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in
tow. Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you
wouldn't do that.
          SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
          Missionary: May I ask what it is?
          SIW: I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure
          if it's legal in this country.
Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the
stairs.

     I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could
you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."

... "Life sucks.  Get a helmet." - Leary

* CMPQwk 1.42 602 * Internet:  kdm2@po.cwru.edu  *