There Ain't No Justice Number 062

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                     - Not Necessarily the Evening News -
                          by A Whole Crowd of Folks










"Do not attempt to adjust your Television set. We are in complete control.
We control the vertical, we control the horizontal. We have complete
control of the satellite, and we're not going to give it back."





"This is Ned Copper, bringing you the REAL news, courtesy of the CNN
satellite. In our lead story tonight, a nationwide manhunt is currently
underway for Mike Lewis, leader of the notorious telecom-terrorist
organization P.U.S.S. (Phuck U.S. Squint) According to official sorces, Mr.
Lewis entered the headquarters of U.S. Squint last Friday afternoon and
entered the office of John Anonymous, Regional Director for Security. Mr.
Lewis bound and gagged Mr. Anonymous, and after waiting for the normal
business hours to end, wired the building's main computer into the over
2000 phonelines present and proceeded to wardial every 1-900 exchange in
the country. Meanwhile, he and his associates spread out though the
building, uprooting plastic plants, shredding documents, and engaging in
general mayhem. An unconfirmed report (well, a rumor, really) also says
that while in the building, Mr. Lewis used one of the telephone lines to
personally call up Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Kennedy (that chick from
MTV), and Richard Nixon on an international conference call and insult them
for over an hour."

"When police arrived on the scene Monday morning, they arrived to find the
entire Squint building wrapped in used toilet paper. Police promptly
surrounded the building, and called for the surrender of Lewis and his
companions. Lewis's people responded by firing automatic weapons at the
police, killing 4 and injuring 23. Lewis, addressing the police via
loudspeaker, demanded a helicopter, ten million dollars in small bills, and
the immediate release of all hackers and phreakers held in jails and
prisons across the country."



"We'll have more on this and other stories in just a few moments, but
first, a few commercial announcements."



                        GARBAGE CITY!!

        Ever in need of some 3 month old used tissues? Or some decade-old
egg cartons? Of COURSE you do! Well then here's the store for you! Our
shelves are filled with the finest garbage money can buy! That's right, we
have in our huge stocks such valuable products as:

        -dead, rotting, smelly, slippery, slimy, fish.
        -cans o' spam (unopened, of course)
        -various tidbits of electronic junk 
        - much much more!

        Call today at 555-6669 to get a FREE price guide of all our trash!

        And remember our slogan!

        

        Garbage City...We've got da sheeit you need at less!





What's all the ruckus about the world's most famous lunchmeat? Every-one
loves SPAM!



Jesus: "Spam! I love it!"



Madonna: "I love so much, I fuck it!"

Off Camera Voice: "Er, you fuck everything, eh?"

Madonna: "Yes? Your point?"



Stan: "Me and my buddies love spam! We use it to fight crime and uphold the
law. And hey, it makes a great pet!"



"SPAM-de-de-SPAM! Wonderful Spam!"



"So go out and raid your nearest inconvience store and demand SPAM!"



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        It's the.....
                            DENNIS FOLEY BIBLE

        Specially translated for the mentally impaired! Taken from the
original Hebrew and Greek, this translation is high on accuracy! Read the
events of Jesus from a whole new perspective! here's an excerpt from the
New Testament:



"hay sant pual i fuked yur sistre do me a faver and giv her a nickle fer me
she was godo"



Or reread the famed Battle between David and Goliath:

 "hay lok at davideo run away form that big snotliker goliath
hay dav got a slingsot whats he doin hay goliath feel"

 "So go out and demand that your local church begin using the
NEW Foley Bible! This newest version of the world's greatest book is only
49.95, so run out and get it TODAY!"



        And now from Derf Enterprises...
                The DerfLink..][ !

: "You've heard of the world's greatest
invention, the Derflink I, right?" 

Cameraman: "Well, umm, actually, I...ah.."

A: "Shut up!"

C: "Um, but.."

A: "NOW!"

C: "Oh fine."

A: "Anyway, the newest version of this wonderful instrument allows you not
just derflink computer equipment, but various objects, such as cheese
graters, cat tails, Spam, and other household items. For example:"



Scientist: "See? A perfectly unusable cow and microwave...but...when
derflinked.."





S: "Ack, that's not right.."

Announcer : "Well, that's all we have time for, so just go
out and get this wonderful product of American labor..today!"



Ned: "The Pope, missing for over six days, was finally found today in
Dublin, where Sinead O'Connor dragged him out on the stage and mauled him
with a chainsaw. Before the lynch mob arrived, he had been hacked into
thirteen pieces. Before the leaders of the mob pushed her off the edge of
the stage with a noose around her neck, O'Connor reportedly stated that it
was an artistic statement, quote, "an illustration in reverse of what the
Catholic Church has done to the people of Ireland." Sinead O'Connor and the
Pope were unfortunately unavailable for comment, but Cardinal O'Connor
said, quote, "The world will mourn for the Pope. Hopefully no one will
mourn for Sinead O'Connor. Hopefully something positive will come out of
this. Perhaps some people will see the light of day and ban rock music, so
their children will no longer be exposed to these morally degenerate
psychopaths."

"In a related story..."

"The well-publicized case of Peter Sucht, the boy who was reportedly
abducted last week by a known child-molester, ended today when the boy was
found exiting his bedroom, where he claims to have been for the past week.
However, for Peter himself, the story is far from over. In just one week,
it has been discovered that his father, Dick Sucht, forced him repeatedly
to have sex with his Saint Bernard, named Cunt; his mother, Annie Dick
Sucht, would discipline him with a stun gun, while his sister, Wanda B.
Sucht, would force him to perform oral sex on her and her friends at
gunpoint. Peter has become a ward of the court until the state can appoint
him a guardian."

"And now we have a live feed from Kent State University. Reporter Fred
Parakeet is live on the scene with this story..."



FP: "Well Ned, as I'm sure you're aware, one of the fastest breaking
stories tonight takes place in Baghdad, Iraq. Saddam "Fuck the New World
Order" Hussein has put 3 Silly-Putty launchers in the so-called UN
maintained Peace-keeping Zone. In response, the UN demanded the launchers
be surrendered to the UN or the Coalition will launch a mass attack of
Silly String, Spam, llama innards, and various other objects. The American
General in the Gulf issued a statement today: "I am absoultely positive we
can match Saddam at his game."

"This news has caused countless debates all over the country. On a few
college campuses, like Kent State here, students rallied to stop the
silliness in the Gulf. The students took various cans of Silly String and
had their fun with the a few professors' cars, saying that this attack was
as silly as the current American strategy."





"Another celebrity Elvis sighting was reported today. At around 4 P.M.,
Goldie Hawn claims she saw Elvis as she exited the shower. Our reporter,
Clint Torus is live at the scene with the famous actress."



CT: "So, you saw Elvis as you left the shower."

GH: "Yes, I was just coming out, and I was about to wrap a towel around
myself, and I saw him. I screamed."

CT: "You screamed because you thought you were seeing a ghost?"

GH: "No, no, if he was a ghost, well, that would've been all right. But he
was standing there naked and he started to gyrate his hips, and sing
Heartbreak Hotel."

CT: "Naked? What happened next?"

GH: "Well, I screamed, and he ran off. No one could find him."

CT: "Now, are you absolutely sure it was Elvis, and not a cabbage or
something?"

GH: "I'm sure. I called Priscilla on the phone. Ask her. She can tell you.
No one ever knew about that birthmark until today."

CT: "Thank you, Ms. Hawn. Now back to you, Ned."



Ned: "Thank you, Clint. In the past three weeks, "Weird Al" Yankovic,
President Clinton, Mike Tyson, Hugh Hefner, Cardinal O'Connor, Fabio, Bill
Cosby, and Wil Wheaton, among others, have reported sightings of the King.
This rash of unexplained Elvis sightings has prompted a government
investigation, which started one week ago. So far the only official comment
has been, "We're working on it.""

Madonna: "Ned, did you know that this is the first naked Elvis sighting
reported since the King's apparent death?"

Ned: "That's amazing, Madonna.  Hopefully, being
sexually harassed by dead rock stars--"



Ned: "Well, that was definitely a first on TV News. A dead rock star, on
national TV. He IS dead, isn't he? I mean..."





: "Are you tired of being awakened late at night by the
sound of barking dogs? Of course you are! But you always thought there was
nothing you could do to alleviate this common problem. Well, I have good
news for you! The researchers at BlastCo have come up with the perfect
solution!"



"Now doesn't that work a whole lot better than a thrown shoe? This
marvelous invention works wonders on other common neighborhood pests as
well!"



"It even works on cats! So call the number at the bottom of your screen for
more information today! Operators are standing by to take your call!"



Ned: "In tonights celebrity news, Donald Trump's fortunes have reached an
all-time low. He's lost all his Atlantic City casinos, and now is forced to
move to the suburban area of Howell,  New Jersey, because he's practically
broke. Our roving reporter, Bonnie  Lasse, has gone to Howell to bring you
the story, and an EXCLUSIVE interview."



Lasse: "Thanks, Ned. Mr. Trump, how did you lose all this money?"

Trump: "Well, a lot of it's the divorce settlement with Ivana. Sometimes I
could swear the bitch was out to ruin me."



Lasse: "How do you feel now, being one of the working class?"



Trump: "Well, frankly, it su--akk!"



Lasse: "Oh, SHIT! That's the third time this week that's happened! And he
bled all over my stockings! Here, help me out with him."



Cameraman: "Those damn trendy killers and their annoying fads. Now
EVERYBODY wants to kill somebody on TV..."

Lasse: "Damn it to hell, I broke a nail...oops, almost forgot."



Lasse: "Back to you, Ned."



Ned: "And now here's Goldie Shower Meadows with today's weather forecast."



Meadows: "Tomorrow will be bright and sunny in Birmingham, Alabama;
Seattle, Washington; Austin, Texas; and the Triple-O-Five-Bar-X-Double-
Asterisk-Q-Peace-Sign-Pentagram-Curlicue-Eight-Bleeding-Daggers cattle
ranch. Everywhere else will be overcast with scattered showers, snow, fog,
T-storms, and the possibility of hail."
 
"Hurricane Billy-Bob Jim-Bob Joe-Bob Jesus Horatio Christ Smith is
gradually building up in the mid-atlantic. Let's go to the satellite."



"This area here is a low-pressure zone. It's drawing moisture from the sea,
and was the beginning of the hurricane's development when it was first
spotted three days ago."



"Over the last few days, it gradually increased in size. It's expected to
reach the East Coast in a few days, and by then it'll be positively huge.
It's expected to cause a great deal of..."



"Oops...wrong satellite... Back to you, Ned."



Ned: "And now, here's Ben Dover, with the Consumer Report."



Ben: "According to a press release by the Consumers Protection Union, you
should no longer buy ninja weapons such as shurikens and nunchukus, as a
recent study has shown they hold considerable danger to the operator, and
even experienced operators can be hurt. They also recommend a "Place Out Of
Reach Of Children" label be placed on chainsaws and dynamite."

"Also, there is a recall out on all bottles of Preparation H dated 2-17-93
to 2-23-93, as they have been found to be contaminated with Super Glue.
Check your containers."



Ned: "In our final story of the evening, Outer Mongolia, threatened with
nuclear annhilation, finally agreed to extradite "Fast" Hans Liebermann to
the U.S. for trial. Liebermann allegedly skipped the country with
$23,000,000 of imbezzled money, plans for ICBMs, Gennifer Flowers, and a
bag of Ruffles potato chips. The Mongolians were reluctant to release him
to U.S. custody because Liebermann was their new economic minister, and
also because they don't put ridges on Outer Mongolian potato chips. Despite
the threat of nuclear annhilation, the U.S. government was persuaded to
agree to trade a can of Spam Lite for Liebermann and his entourage."

"This concludes the News for this evening. Please stay tuned for more
quality programming."





Announcer: "In the wake of the nation's biggest banking scandal, people are
looking high and low for faces they can trust."



Announcer: "We have those faces."



: "You've always trusted us with your money. We're the only
ones you can trust. We're--"

: "--the Church of God. While the agents of Satan have on
occasion falsely accused us to break--"

: "--our reputations, it is they who proved false in the end.
So why trust them with your hard-earned wages--"

: "--when there's the J. Christ International Bank? Run for the
church, by the church, and open 24 hours--"

: "--and all our checks bear inspirational verses from
Holy Scripture! Brothers and sisters--Jesus saves, you should too!"




-------------------------------------------
I'd like to thank all of the contributors to this issue. I only hope
everyone has as much fun reading this as we did writing it and putting
it all together. NNTN was written by...

Tal Meta
Kel'anth
Agnostic Messiah &
Hairy Leech.


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