101. Abie and Rosalie were courting. Rosalie's mother told her
daughter that Abie must not touch her until they were wed. One
night Abie said to Rosalie, "Dahlink, every night you kiss me good
night and I can't touch you, won't you give me just one little
peek-a-boo, please?" So, Rosalie lifted up her skirt, pulled her
panties down and back up, and quickly lowered her skirt. Abie
said to Rosalie,"Vot a vunder!" Rosalie blushed. This went on
every night for a week. Rosalie would lift up her skirt and Abie
would say, "Rosalie, vot a vunder!"
Rosalie, shy, but obviously pleased would blush. After a
week of it, Rosalie shyly asked Abie, "Every night, Abie, you ask,
'Rosalie, let me have a little peek-a-boo.' When I give you a
little peek-a-boo, you say, 'Vot a vunder, Rosalie.' Why do you
say that, Abie?"
Abie answered: "Rosalie, vot a vunder your guts don't fall
102. A Polish girl called up her druggist and asked him what she
could do for her boyfriend's dandruff. The druggist recommended
Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked, "How do
you give someone shoulders?"
103. Finally, Rosalie and Abie got married. Mama was worried.
After all, this was her only daughter, and she was a virgin, and
Mama knew what lustful, ravaging beasts men could be. So, Mama
worked out a secret code with Rosalie. After the first night,
Rosalie should send Mama a postcard with the secret code word on
it and Mama would then know that Rosalie had not been ravaged.
A few days after the wedding Mama became very worried - no
card from Rosalie. Five days passed and no card. Mama told Papa
how worried she was. Finally, after a week went by, Mama said to
Papa, "What can we do, I'm so worried - no word from Rosalie."
Papa told her not to worry. And, it so happens that on the eighth
day, Mama received a postcard from Rosalie. Mama went screaming
"Papa, Papa, a card from Rosalie, and no secret word,
something is wrong." She handed Papa the card. "Look what it
says Papa - only one sentence - 'Such happiness'."
Papa took the card from Mama and read it. "Oh, Mama, you're
wrong. Rosalie is okay. See - she writes 'SUCH HA PENIS'."
104. Did you hear about the Polish girl who had two chances to
She blew both of them.
105. After the excitement and the expense of Rosalie's wedding
and after Mama bugging him about Rosalie's honeymoon, Papa got
sick from exhaustion. The doctor told him he should take a nice
vacation in Miami. He didn't know what to do, he didn't want to
leave the business---someone had to run it.
So Mama said Papa should take a three-month vacation by
himself; Mama would run the business. So, Papa went off to Miami.
After three months, it was time for him to come back. Mama
met him at the airport. Papa got off the plane all tan and good
looking and Mama was so happy to see him. But Mama noticed that
Papa did not look happy. He looked healthy, but not happy.
"Papa, Papa," she said, "vot's the matter? You don't look
Papa said, "Oh Mama, it's something terrible?
Mama asked, "Vot's so terrible? You look healthy. You had
a nice vacation. You got back home safely; vot's so terrible?"
Papa looked miserable and said, "Oh, Mama, you'll never
guess vot I got? I'm so sorry, Mama. I got a case of syphilis!"
Mama shrugged her shoulders, "Don't vorry, Papa," she said,
"I was getting very tired of dot Manishevitz, anyway."
106. Question: Did you hear that they isolated the cause of
Answer: It's the glue on the back of food stamps!
107. Question: What do blacks use for jock itch?
Answer: Black Flag.
108. Question: What is "Fi-fi-fo, fo-fo-fi-fo?"
Answer: The mayor of Chicago's telephone number.
109. Question: How do you wipe out 250 black families at one
Answer: Blow up a K-Mart.
110. Question: How do you circumcise a black?
Answer: You use a jigsaw.
111. One day a kindergarten teacher decided to test her students
on animal sounds. Calling on white little Mary, she asked, "Mary,
what does a cow say?"
"Moooo," answered Mary.
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, what does
the sheep say?"
"Baaaa, replied little white Johnny.
Then the teacher asked little black LeRoy, "What does the
pig say, LeRoy?"
LeRoy thought for a minute, then said, "FREEZE, nigger!"
112. Question: What is the definition of a JAP (Jewish American
Answer: A girl who thinks cooking and fucking are two
cities in China.
113. Three Jews are sitting on the beach in front of the Palm
Beach Hilton talking about the trouble they're having with their
respective businesses. Says Leonard, "I lost almost $50,000 when
my store burned down, but thank God the furs were insured."
Bernie says, "That's nothing. I lost $200,000 when my
tailor shop was destroyed in that big flood, but I also, thank
God, was insured."
Then, Chaim pipes up, "So how do you start a flood?"
114. Question: What is the difference between white fairy tales
and black fairy tales?
Answer: White fairy tales start out, "Once upon a time,"
and black fairy tales start out, "You motherfuckers ain't gonna
believe this shit, but...."
115. Question: What was Roman Polanski's latest movie?
Answer: "Close Encounters with the Third Grade."
116. The new substitute teacher was introducing herself to the
class. "My name is Miss Prussy. That's like pussycat only with
The next morning, she began class by asking if anyone
remembered her name. Little Johnny's hand shot up from the third
row. "Yes," he proudly exclaimed, "You're Miss Crunt."
117. Question: Did you hear about the two sailors and the nurse
who were stranded together on a desert island? Answer: After
three months, the nurse was so disgusted with what she was doing
that she killed herself. Then, after three more months, the
sailors were so disgusted with what they were doing, they buried
118. Question: What's the difference between a young whore and an
Answer: A young whore uses Vaseline and an old whore uses
119. Question: How many animals can you find in a pair of
Answer: Two calves; ten little piggies; one ass; one
pussy; one thousand hares; maybe some crabs; and a dead fish
nobody can find.
120. Question: What is the difference between heroes and AIDS?
Answer: One's a love story and the other's a fairy tale.
121. There is a young woman who, instead of disposing her tampons
normally, throws them into her closet. One day, she is
entertaining her lover when she hears the front door open. She
quickly hides him in the closet and locks the door. It's her
husband surprising her with two tickets for a weekend in Hawaii.
On Monday, she waits till her husband has gone off to work and
finally opens the closet door, expecting the worse. But he is in
fine shape and says cheerfully, "Hell, if it weren't for all those
jelly doughnuts you had in there, I never would have made it!"
122. Question: What does the blinking neon sign above Joe's 24-
hour Abortion Clinic say?
Answer: YOU RAPE'EM, WE SCAPE'EM.
NO FETUS CAN BEAT US.
123. Two old bums are walking along the railroad tracks, starving,
because they haven't eaten in three days. Coming across a
dead, mangled cat, the first bum says, "Oh, boy--- lunch!" He
digs in, stopping only to ask his friend if he wants some.
"No, thanks, I think I'll pass" is the answer.
So the first bum devours the whole cat, leaving nothing
behind but fur and bones, and they continue their walk down the
About a mile later, the first bum turns green and throws
up the whole cat. All excited, his companion says happily,
"That's what I've been waiting for---a hot lunch!"
124. Question: Why should you wrap a hamster in electrician's
Answer: So it won't explode when you fuck it.
125. Georgia politician: "I have nothing against blacks; I think
everyone should own one."
126. Question: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
127. A fourteen-year-old boy from Bainbridge, Georgia, was making
love to his twelve-year-old sister. "Geez, Sis," he breathlessly
said, "you're almost as good as Maw!"
"Yeah," she gasps back, "that's what Paw said."
128. There was once a seventy-seven-year-old spinster who detected
something nasty going on in her nether regions and, somewhat
embarrassed, went to the doctor for tests. Sure enough, the
doctor produced a diagnosis of crabs.
"That's quite impossible," gasped the old woman. "I am
sevety-seven and a virgin."
Deciding to get a second opinion, she had another doctor
do a checkup, but he only confirmed the unfortunate diagnosis.
"How can that be?" she stammered, "In seventy-seven years, no man
has ever touched me." Off she went to the hospital for an
enormous battery of tests. Eventually a young doctor came into
her room and announced that he had some good news and some bad
"Give me the good news first," asked the old woman.
"The good news is, you don't have crabs," said the doctor.
"The bad news is, your cherry has rotted and you have fruit
129. Little Joey wins a big bag of M & M's at the carnival and
runs home to show his mom. He begs for some and his mother gives
him two. Joey pops them into his mouth, runs outside, bites the
cat, and jumps on his tricycle to zoom around the house. Coming
to a screeching halt in front, he runs inside, grabs two more M &
M's, pops them in his mouth, runs outside, bites the cat, and
races around the house on his tricycle. This repeated a few more
times until his mother asks him what in heaven's name he is up to.
"I'm playing truck driver, Mom," he explains. "I'm
popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell."
130. Two old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs at the
nursing home, reminiscing. One turns to the other and says,
"Mildred, do you remember the minuet?"
"Good lordy, no," Mildred replied, "I can't even remember
the ones I screwed."
131. In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent
of the men surveyed responded that either genetics or home
environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18 percent of
those that responded revealed that they had been sucked into it.
132. Did you hear about Jesus Christ walking into a hotel in
Galilee, slapping three nails down on the desk, and asking, "Could
you put me up for the night?"
133. Question: What do nuns and Seven-Up have in common?
Answer: Never had it, never will.
134. Question: What do you call a gay nun?
Answer: A transistor.
135. Question: Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl?
Answer: One holds her down while the other does her
136.A retired schoolteacher finally realized she was tired of
living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal
of thought, she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner
suggested a parrot, with which she could conduct a civilized
conversation. This seemed an excellent idea, so she bought a
handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, and said,
"Say 'Pretty Boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy......pretty boy.'"
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get
five minutes in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the
shivering bird back on its perch and said, "Now let's hear:
'Pretty boy...pretty boy.'"
"For Christ's sake, lady, lay off?" said the parrot.
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!
Ten minutes in the freezer," and slammed the door shut on him.
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come
across but a frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled,
the parrot squawks, "My God, you must have told the old bitch to
go fuck herself!"
137. Question: Why is life like a penis?
Answer: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat,
but when it's hard you get screwed.
138. A man was strolling on the beach one day when he came across
a lamp lying in the sand. He picked it up and rubbed it. Sure
enough, a genie popped out. "I will grant you your one true
desire," boomed the huge genie.
"Wow, that's fantastic!" exclaimed the man. "All my life
I wanted a cock so big that it would touch the ground."
So, poof, the genie cut the man's legs off.
139. Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming
wedding night, so he decided to talk it over with his friend,
Fred, who was quite a man about town - a true cocksman.
"Relax, Bob," counseled Fred. "You grew up on a farm; so
do like the dogs do."
After the honeymoon was over and the couple returned to
town, the new bride stormed over to her mother's house and
announced that she was never going to live with Bob again. "He's
totally disgusting," she wailed to her mother.
Her mother asked what the problem was, and just what it
was he did that was so disgusting.
The bride blushed and refused to tell, but finally gave
in. "Ma, he doesn't know how to make love. All he does is keep
smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"
140. A salesman who is on the road is staying in a futuristic
motel. He has an important sales call the next morning, and
realizing he needs a trim, he calls the desk clerk to inquire
whether there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not,
sir," the clerk said, " but down the hall there is a bank of
vending machines and one will give you a haircut."
Thoroughly intrigued, the salesman finds the machine,
inserts fifty cents, and sticks his head in the opening. The
machine starts buzzing and whirring. Fifteen seconds later he
pulls out his head and discovers he's just got the best haircut he
has ever received.
Two feet away is another machine that says MANICURES 50
cents, and the salesman thinks, "Why not?" So he pays the money,
inserts his hands into the slot, and out they come with a terrific
The next machine has a big sign: THIS MACHINE DOES WHAT
MEN NEED MOST WHEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES. The salesman looks both
ways, unzips his fly, inserts his cock, and puts in the fifty
cents. The machine buzzes away as the guy screams in excruciating
pain. Fifteen seconds later it stops. He pulls out his cock with
trembling hands, and stares at the button sewed to the tip.
141. Two business partners, both married, were taking turns having
intercourse with (screwing) their attractive secretary. As a
result of such frequent screwing, the young lady became pregnant.
One partner, congratulating the other said, "Ruthie had
twins. Unfortunately, mine died!"
142. Q: What is Waldheimer's Disease? A: A condition where, as
the patient grows older, he forgets that he was a Nazi.
143. Q: Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book?
A: It's called "Around the Block in Eighty Days".
144. Q: did you hear about the Iatollah Khomaney doll?
A: Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
145. Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him.
146. Q: What will it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.
147. Q: Why can't you go the bathroom at a Beatle's concert?
A: There's no John.
148. Q: What's worse than being pissed off?
A: Being pissed on.
149: Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
150. Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A: Her dog's blind too.
151. Q: What did Spock find in the commode?
A: The captain's log.
152. Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the ceiling?
A: To boldy go where no man has gone before.
153. Q: What do the U.S.S. Enterprise and toilet paper have in
A: They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
154. Q: What is Imelda Marcos' favorite song?
A: Walk a Mile in My Shoes
155. Q: Hear about the Helen Keller doll?
A: Wind it up and it walks into walls.
156. Q: What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
A: A Pakistani with the shit kicked out of him!
157. Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a
pregnant woman? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
158. Q: Did you hear about the Pole who picked his nose apart to
see what made it run?
159. Q: What do you get an eighty year old woman for birthday?
A: Mikey. He'll eat anything.
160. Q: What's the difference between a midget con-artist and a
woman with herpes?
A: One is a cunning runt.
161. Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to get so drunk
it makes the room spin.
162. Q: What's the difference between a rubber and a coffin?
A: One is to come in and one is to go in.
163. Q: What has a thousand teeth and eats weenies?
A: A zipper.
164. Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche in vinegar and oil?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
165. Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?
A: A tourist!
166. Did you hear the story of how Tarzan got his famous yell?
One day, a group of savages kidnapped Jane and took her to their
village. They immediately started to rape her. Tarzan, not being
far behind, grabbed onto a vine and swung down. He yelled, "Grab
the vine, Jane!!! No, the vine!! No..the vine...the
167. Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
A: Wave at him!
168. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is
169. Q: Same man in a pool?
170. Q: On the wall?
171. Q: Same guy on the floor?
172. Q: How many punk-rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick
out the chair from under the first.
173. Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood
174. Q: How did they know that Victor Morrow had dandruff?
A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes.
175. Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm?
A: She tried to read a stop sign doing fifty!
176. Q: How can you avoid getting AIDS?
A: Sit down and shut your mouth.
177. Q: What is the difference between an epileptic oyster
shucker, and a prostitute with diarrhea?
A: The shucker shucks between fits!
178. Q: What is the difference between a nun and a woman in a
A: The nun has hope in her soul!
179. HUSBAND: Honey, if I died, would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Would you kiss this other guy? Would you cook
for the guy?
WIFE: Probably, honey.
HUSBAND: Would you sleep with him?
WIFE: Most likely. He would be my husband, you know.
HUSBAND: Would he have blond hair like me?
WIFE: No, he has black hair.
180. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard
A: Mike got burned on Pepsi, Rich got burned on coke!!!
181. Did you hear about the guy that was snortin nutrasweet?
Thought is was diet coke!!!
182. Did you hear the one about the Polack who took home his gold
medal and had it bronzed?
183. One day, policeman was sitting at his desk when the phone
rang. Answering it, he was confronted by a Polish man who claimed
he was locked out of his car. "OK, sir, if I can have your
location, someone will be there in a short while," the policeman
said. The Polack gave him his address. "And please hurry," he
added. "My family might starve to death in there if you don't get
184. What is the grey stuff between an elephant's toes? Slow-
185. There were once a pair of Irish potatoes, in fact, they were
the king and princess of all Ireland. Well, times were hard in
Ireland, so they moved to the United States, land of
prospects. Not long after they had moved here, his daughter
(named Boo-Boo) disappeared. for three days, the king searched
for her, with the help of the Potato Police. After three days of
fruitless (or vegetableless searching) she showed up starstruck.
"Where have you been?" the king screamed. "I'm in love," crooned
the princess. "With whom?" he responded. "Walter Cronkite!!!"
"No!" he cried. "How could you. He's just a commontater!!!!!"
186. How are bosses like diapers?? They're full of shit and
always on your ass.
187. The hooker in Kiev are into some kinky stuff these
188. Once upon a time, a Rabbi and a Priest were discussing life,
the universe, and everything. They eventually got to discussing
the relative merits of their positions. The priest asked the
Rabbi, "What do you do next?" The Rabbi looked and asked, "what
do you mean?" The priest responded by saying, "What do you become
after a Rabbi? Are there any promotions?" The Rabbi thought and
said, "One a Rabbi always a Rabbi. What more is there to life?"
The Rabbi then asked, "What about you?" The priest mentioned that
he could eventually become a bishop. "What after that?" The
priest stammered, "WELL, if I was really lucky, I suppose I could
become a cardinal!. I don't expect that though." "What after
that?" asked the Rabbi. "WELL, the Pope would be next, but after
all there is only one Pope. I could never be the one that was
Pope, I don't think." The Rabbi then asked, "What after that?
Can you get promoted after that?" The priest looked at the Rabbi,
and said, "Who do you think I am, Jesus Christ?" The Rabbi then
responded with "WELL you know one of our boys made it."
188. Back in the old west there was this chief who come to town.
They were having a show in town and they had a ventriloquist. The
ventriloquist saw the chief and decided to play a trick on the old
chief. The chief came up to the stand and the ventriloquist said,
"That's a nice horse you have there." The chief says "Good
horse." "Does he talk?" Stoically the chief says, "Horse no
talk." The ventriloquist looks at the horse and says, "How's the
chief treating you? Everything going alright?" The horse (
really the ventriloquist, obviously) says, "Well the chief has
been putting on a little weight lately, but all in all he treats
me pretty well." The chief, never having heard his horse talk, is
surprised. The ventriloquist says to the chief, "That your dog
there? Good looking dog." Chief says, "Good dog." Does the dog
know how to talk, too?" The chief says, "Dog no talk." The
ventriloquist looking at the dog says, "How is the chief treating
you?" "Pretty good. I have to eat a lot of dust from the horse
and the chief, but I get fed regularly and chief doesn't beat me."
The startled chief eyes the dog suspiciously. The ventriloquist
looks at this sheep with the chief. "That your sheep?" "Sheep
LIES!", exclaims the chief.
A Mexican dog, an American dog, a Polish dog and Russian dog all
got together for a chat one day. The Mexican dog started
complaining: "Since this economic recession, things have been
really terrible for me. I used to have a servant bring me meat at
set hours. Now I have to bark until the meat comes!" The
American dog said, "You still have servants in Mexico?" The
Polish dog asked, "What is meat?" The Russian dog, astounded,
said, "They allow you to bark?"
189. Reagen, Gorbachev, and Marcos are on a plane that's about to
crash... There is only one parachute... Reagan says I should get
the parachute cuz I'm the leader of the free world, Gorbachev says
I should get, and Marcos says, "Let's vote." So they vote, and
Marcos wins 15 - 2 ....
190. A man went to a medium and asked if there were any golf
courses in heaven. The medium unveiled a crystal ball, put her
hands on it, and meditated for a few minutes.
"Well?" the impatient man finally asked.
"I'm getting a strong message," the medium said. "I've
got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?", the man asked.
"There's a championship quality course in heaven, more
challenging than any course in this world," she replied.
"Great!", the golfer said. "What's the bad news?"
"You tee off on that course tomorrow at 8:00 a.m."
How does a man know he's getting old? When it takes him
all night to do what he used to do all night.
191. A drunk wandered down the street looking for a whore house.
But he stumbled into a podiatrist's office by mistake. When he
walked in, the nurse told him to go behind a curtain and put it
through the hole. He did as he was told. The nurse screamed,
"That's not a foot!" The drunk yelled back, "I didn't know there
was a minimum!!!"
192. This girl walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The
bartender says Anheisher Busch, and she says just fine....
193. My great uncle was working in Arizona back in the 1930s on
the RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROJECT. He used to wire up the Navajo
outhouses so they could read their catalogs at night... Guess he
was one of the first men on earth to WIRE A HEAD FOR A RESERVATION.
194. Q: Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
A: Because he was caught drinking on the job.
195. One day a man was sunbathing in the nude on St. George
Island when he noticed a little girl staring down at him, so he
put a newspaper over his private parts. The little girl asked him
what that was under the newspaper. He explained that it was his
bird and that he kept it there so it wouldn't fly away. The
little girl seemed satisfied with that answer and walked away.
The man fell asleep in he warm sun, and when he woke up,
he found himself in a hospital bed. "What happened?" he asked.
The same little girl stepped up to his bed and sid, "I
guess its my fault, mister. While you were sleeping I played with
your bird. But after awhile it spit at me, so I broke its neck,
crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
196. A farmer in Bainbridge, Georgia was out looking over his
soybean field when a bus full of blacks rounded a corner on the
red clay road too fast and rolled over on its side. Losing no
time, the farmer ran back to the barn for his pick and shovel, and
started burying the bus. Just as he finished up the job, the
county sheriff arrived on the scene. "Say, didn't a bus fulla
niggers just go off the road around here?"
"Yep," replied the farmer.
"Well, where'd they get to?"
"I buried 'em," the farmer answered.
"Gee," the sheriff said, "Were they all dead?"
The farmer looked the sheriff straight in the eye and
said, "Well, some of 'em said they wasn't, but you know how
197. Q: Why can't black folks celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays.
198. Secretary: "May I use your dictaphone?"
Polish boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else!"
199. Little Leroy was playing on the back porch one day when he
found a can of white paint. He opened the can, painted his face
and hands with it, and ran into the kitchen. "Look, Ma, I'm a
white boy now!" he shouted very proudly.
"Goddamn, Leroy, yo' is black as the ace of spades and
yo' fo'get it! Now, go wash the paint off before someone sees
Crestfallen, Leroy went looking for his father. He found
him on the front porch. "Look, Daddy, I"m a white boy now!"
"Goddamn, boy," his father yelled, "Yo' stupid or what?
Go wash that crap off befo' I take my belt to yo' behind!"
"You know, dad," said Leroy, "I've only been whit for five
minutes or so, and already a'hm beginning to hate yo' niggers"
200. Q: What's the difference between rude and crude?
A: "Rude" is when you throw your underwear against the
wall. "Crude" is when it sticks.